Alex Opens Up About Her Second Pregnancy Loss | Toni Talks

I look bigger than you. Hm? Maybe it's because of my clothes. I look big, right? Do I look fat? How many pounds are you now? I'm underweight. My doctor told me, "You can't be underweight." So you can get pregnant? When was the last conversation we had? Was it in 2020? - It was in 2020. - Did we start already? It was in 2020. Are we starting already? We will not know - if we will start already. - Oh, this is like... Oh, when do we start? When was the last time Alex and I talked? - That was in 202

0, right? - No - 2019 - When we were baking. This set is really nice. It's like we are in Mexico. You started from borrowing a studio. You borrowed Paul's studio. - In a small room. - Next door. A lot has happened from the last time we had a conversation. There is a lot, sis. First is the one you shared to everyone. Your first miscarriage. I don't want to have a bleeding because it felt like a failure. That's not a failure. That's just part of the process. I shared that because that time, Mikee

and I, whenever I experience pain or when I struggle on a situation, the one I hold on to, - aside from the Bible, - Praying? is watching other people's life stories who went through the same pain and got out of it. After a few videos, you would see them happy. So, Mikee and I, during the time that we didn't know if our pregnancy will be successful or what, Mikee watched a lot of videos about miracle babies and he would say, "Look, they had a rainbow baby" "Look, they thought they will never hav

e a baby but they did." So, when they were explaining to us what blighted ovum means. They explained to us that you really have no control in pregnancy. And I thought that this should be shared to those who don't understand what is happening to them. But if we share our story with them, maybe we can help them understand and help them to be less hard on themselves that- - "It's our fault." - Yes. "It's our fault." I want it to be clear to them that it's not their fault. That pregnancy is beyond y

our control. It's really beyond you. As in even if you do everything. Even IVF, - surrogate- - Because we are the same. I had hyperthyroidism and you had hypothyroidism, right? But mine was- Manageable? Yes. And it was cured. It's okay now. You haven't shared that one yet. It would be great if you could share it. You shoud share it. What happened with that? In 2020, I didn't know. That was the reason why- You were so thin. We thought- I was a skeleton? You kept on losing weight. I remember we we

re eating dinner, then our friends said, and they were laughing, "Hey, your mask is falling off your face." And you guested in Lunch Out Loud. They were all saying "Hey, your sister's weightloss seemed bothering." "No, it looks great." Really? Yes. A lot asked me. They said, "Your sister's weight is worrying." That was the time I was being bashed a lot. They thought it was because of that? Not yet. Oh, they were bothered? - They were all bothered. - But I was so happy. I was jealous. "It looks g

reat." - I was so happy. - And they were like "No." - I said, "This is what I want." - It turned out to be bothering. Remember when we went to Bangkok? I ate a lot that time. Then the next day, you said, "Admit it. Why is your tummy flat?" I said, "I don't know." You were so happy but it turn out you were sick. I didn't know. And then when we were in Dubai, we were annoyed at you. Right? You thought- Paul even told me, "You are difficult to be with." You were palpitating. You went with us in Dub

ai Mall. Then you were- I was crying. You insisted. You kept on saying, "Why am I tired?" I was so tired from walking. You kept on sitting. I said, "What is wrong with her? It seems like she's just making it up." "Maybe she's just not saying it but it really bothers her." That's when you were bashed. For? That's in the midst of the bashing. - So I thought, - In Dubai. - "What is happening? Maybe she's just pretending." - When we had our concert. But the reason was, - you had hyperthyroidism. - H

yperthyroidism. That was the reason why I didn't get pregnant for three years that we were trying. Remember when you texted me, "How did you get pregnant?" You haven't shared this to anyone yet? Not yet. I have never. Yeah, I'm pregnant. We are pregnant, Mikes. It was already conceived when it was transferred, right? So, it was already... I thought it was just three weeks. You have to account for the extra two weeks when it was conceived. Sorry. That was the day that I found out that it's gone.

- The second baby? - Yes, the second pregnancy. So, a night before, I was talking with the Lord. Just like before. I was praying to Him. "Lord, please give this to me. I know that You made me pregnant again for a good reason." So I kept on praying. Then sometimes, you feel scared to wake up in the morning "Shocks, what would be the result?" The feeling of... you shiver. The feeling of too much fear and stress. That is what I have been telling you. You are full of fear that time. Because when we

first went there, they found nothing. Then they found a mass on the other fallopian tube. Then I can see what was happening isn't good. The doctors are using words we cannot understand. "Doc, what does it mean?" "Check the..." I couldn't understand. Medical terms? Medical terms. So I knew already that there was something wrong. - That there is something with the second pregnancy. - So, they said that we have to wait. That was also what happened to us during the first pregnancy. We have to wait a

nother week to see. Maybe it's just slow. That one week, I feel like crying but... while I was taking a bath a day before our checkup. This was the final check if the pregnancy was successful or not. Yes. So I was taking a bath then we kept on praying. Mommy and Daddy were always there, praying over. Me, us. Yes, you were also praying. While I was taking a bath, the Lord spoke to me, "Why are you in a rush to be pregnant?" "Why?" Then I felt like crying because I realized, "Yes, why am I in a ru

sh?" Why am I asking the Lord, "Lord, I hope I'm pregnant tomorrow." "I hope this pregnancy pushes through." - Why? - Because? Because I feel pressured by the people. Yes, because everyone says, "Alex is next." - Remember during my baby shower? - Yes. "Alex, you're next." And in all of the videos of you, "Alex is already pregnant. She's not just saying it." But what they didn't know is that you just lost another pregnancy. But this pregnancy wasn't naturally conceived, right? Yes. Your second pr

egnancy. It's IVF (In Vitro Fertilization). Why did you decide to do IVF? I decided to do IVF because... I saw Michelle Obama. That's why I was upset with you. - You do everything you see. - You can't do anything about it now. I already saw it in my algorithm. Why did you reach Michelle Obama? I don't know. I just saw that she had a miscarriage. Then after 2 years, she and Barrack cannot conceive. As if we are close. She and Barrack. So, she said she will do IVF. She conceived at the age of 34,

and then again at the age of 36 through IVF. Both of their children are through IVF. Because she doesn't want to waste time waiting. Then I thought- That you are Michelle Obama? "I also don't want to waste time." Yes. I said, "I'm AG from the East. Now, I'm already AGing from the East." So I need to speed this up with the help of science. So, for a time when Lunch Out Loud ended, I wasn't that busy. Because I was surprised by how much work was involved in IVF. I said if ever my pregnancy became

successful, to all the children conceived through IVF, you should love your mother more because- They fought for it. You got pregnant naturally. You wanted it. But this one, you could see the hardship of a mother, of a woman so that a baby can be conceived. She went through a lot of hormonal imbalance. She had a lot of restrictions in order for you to be conceived. Through IVF. That is why I have huge respect for mothers who went through that because it's really too much. And for people like us

whose IVF weren't successful had to do it all over again. That is what makes me cry sometimes. That I have to do another twelve sessions. What did the doctors say is the success rate of IVF? About 50-60% The doctors told me, "We once had a patient, Alex. who had 21 embryos but was unable to conceive." "She doesn't have children now." It's a sad story but when you think about it, it really is the Lord's hand. Because once the embryo is implanted, how it develops, and how long it remains in the ut

erus, no matter what you do or drink. you have no control over it. How is Mikee in the whole journey? What did you learn about him while you were trying to get pregnant through IVF? Mikee is very supportive but he doesn't show me his emotions. What I saw in Mikee was that he truly is a partner who will not make you feel like it's your fault and that he is on your side. During that time, I feel so pressured. I was pressured by the people who say, "Isn't she pregnant yet?" And with what happened t

o me this year during my birthday. Everytime I meet someone they would say, "Oh, you're not all bad." Why did that become the connotation of "Alex" this year? I just said, "I hope Lord after all these pain..." It hurts so much, but hopefully it has something good- Hopefully there is something good in return. Maybe it's this one. Then it happens one after the other. There are a lot of... Judgments. Just because they saw that little part, they've already judge your whole being. That you are a bad

person. That you were born to be bad. A lot of stories came out that I wanted to defend myself but you can't because- The video was already there. No, it's because that is how they see you. If you come out, you will look defensive. So, I said, - You kept it inside. - I prayed to the Lord. - The Lord will always say, - You kept it inside. "Look at your sister. She's just quiet." "She didn't do anything, And yet, she's still quiet." So, I said, "Okay, I'll stay quiet." Whenever I watch gospels, I

keep seeing, "This is your season to shut up." "The Lord is saying for you to shut up." During that time, I said okay. It was the Lord's will for me to grow and mature. Maybe I had to go through that in order to become a better person in that situation. So, I didn't blame but it hurts. Then I thought, during the time my sister went through that, she had a blessing in return. - You had Polly. - Ahh. Maybe this is it and I had to go through because the Lord will give me something in return. If I'l

l just become faithful and face all the consequences of my actions. Then the Lord told me, "You are giving me a deadline." For when is the gain after the pain. "You want me to follow your timeline." That's not how it works. So, after that, I realized, "That's right. Why do I pressure the Lord? Why am I pressured?" Technically, no one is really pressuring me but because that's what I wanted to happen. Because that's how I felt. You know, it's like you compared yourself with me again. Yes, maybe t

hat's how it was. Maybe that's why the Lord said, "Don't compare what's happening to you to what's happening to your sister." Because you said, "You went through a lot last year, with the bashing and everything, but look at what you got in return. You had Polly." And then you, because you've experienced that incident in the video, you were bashed. But you didn't do anything, I did so it's like... That's it. - "You have different situations." - Maybe you thought, "Oh, this might be it for me." Ye

s. I said, "Sis, when can we speak and tell our side?" You said, "You don't have to say anything." "Okay, I'll just focus on my family." Maybe that was the Lord's will. But because this was my focus, I pressured the Lord. I pressured myself. "Lord, this should be it. This should be it." There was this one time, I kept on crying "Lord, I wanted to become pregnant." Even before they implanted an embryo inside me. I was praying so hard, then I remembered Sarah and Abraham's story. They were told th

at "You'll be the father of all nations." And that made Sarah laugh. "Huh? How? I can't bear a child anymore. I'm old." Because she's already menopause. "I'm already menopause." So, she laughed. But it happened. I suddenly remembered it while I was praying. I remember I was by our window looking at all the buildings in Ortigas. And then I reached for my phone. Then I searched for "Sarah and Abraham pregnancy." When I typed it, all I saw on my phone was "11:11" Hebrews 11:11. - It's not sale? - H

uh? No. It's not that kind of 11:11. And then just did online selling. It says there that, "For even Sarah who was passed her age, gave birth." "So, the Lord opened her womb because she entrusted that the One who promised is faithful." Then I realized 11/11 is our wedding anniversary. Really? Our anniversary is November 11. That's true. When you are looking for answers, that's true. I cried at that moment because it felt like the Lord talked to me. "If I promise, you just have to believe." When

I was taking a bath, the Lord said, "I already promised you that I will give you a child. You just have to be faithful because I am faithful." When I reached that point, Mikee arrived. I was smiling. Of course he doesn't know that I already had a conversation with God. Then, I told him, "Mikes, I'm fine. If tomorrow our pregnancy is not successful, I'll be okay." Mikee said to me, "That's all I was waiting for. If you're okay, I'm okay." He was so happy, he hugged me. Then the next day, my praye

r to the Lord was, "Lord, if it is bad news, please be with me." "I hope You will be with me. I won't get hurt. I won't be sad. Hold me and make me feel Your presence." Was this the time you went to my house? Yes. - You weren't sad that day. - I wasn't sad that day. I only cried because Uncle cried when I told him, "Uncle, it's not happening." You were happy that day. While I was there, and doing ultrasound, Mikee was taking a video. So, while he was taking the video, the doctor couldn't find an

ything. I saw his reaction, he was like... - He just put his phone down silently. - Yes. He's just silent. "Nothing is happening. I'll just put this down." And then, - of course, you'll be worried that time. - Silent treatment. "We can't find it." "Search the other side, Doc." "We still can't see anything." Then when I looked at him, I can see that he was sad. But when he saw my face, of course- You were worried and about to cry. I was worried that can't they find anything. When I saw him, Mikee

said... He just smiled. Yes he said, "Okay." He just showed me that he was fine. I know that feeling that even if you're hurting, I know that feeling that even if you're hurting, you just have to smile because if he cries, you'll cry, too. Yes, because- - Our relationship- - He's just pretending to be strong. This turns out to be Toni Cries. Because you went home that day. And we were also pretending to be strong. "Nobody cries. Catherine is coming here. Her pregnancy didn't push through." We a

ll tried to be happy for you. And I told you I feel bad for Mikee. Everyone feels bad for Mikee. I don't know- I feel bad for Mikee because I can see that you've already accepted it. You have peace already. Then Paul said, "Prepare for dinner, they will be eating here." Then when Polly was about to have her diapers changed, I saw his face as he was standing in the corner. His face looks like this while looking at Polly... Really? Yes, that's why I said, "I feel bad for Mikee." Then you said that

you'll go home. He wanted to go home. Yes, then he slept. - That's how Mikee is. - Because I saw him looking at Polly while she's getting her diapers changed. Then we lifted her up and played with her. Then you didn't eat dinner at our house. Maybe it already dawned on to him that, "Okay, our pregnancy will not push through." Mikee should be given an award for being too kind. Because whenever I ask him, he's always "I'm okay." Then I told him, "Mikee, I'm sorry. It's not successful again." "Hey

, don't apologize. We have more embryos. Carry on." He's pretending to be strong. He never showed me - that he's sad. - So, he never cries in front of you? Never. You never cried together? Never. Of course, sometimes I feel sad because Mikee would tell me, "You know, I'm happy with just the two of us." But sometimes, I feel irritated at him because why would he say that? But I said- He's just pacifying you. He's assuring you that he's okay with or without a baby. I told you that, you said to me,

"You're so dramatic." What? Me too. As Mommy Pinty? You were being like Mommy Pinty. Why? Because Mikee told me- I told him, "Mikes.." He said, "You know, the truth is that I'm already happy." When I cooked for him, he told me that. "I'm happy with just the two of us." "The baby is just a big bonus." So when I think about it, it makes me cry because he's already at that level. - We haven't been together that long. - He isn't expecting anymore. Yes, then I asked him why. "Because it's painful",

he said. "It's painful to expect." "That's why... I'm okay. If this is the Lord's will, I'm okay with it." Then I texted it to you, I said, "Sometimes, I feel bad for Mikee." Then, you said "You both are so dramatic." - Why? - "You're both dramatic. You've just been married for three years." That's true. "You've been married for three years while others have been together for 10 years, 15 years." Oh yes, I find it so dramatic. "If this is it for us." - You know, you are really Pinty's child. - I

said, "Catherine.." No, because it's only been three years. As if you've been together for 40 years. No, because the reason- If you guys have been together for 40 years and Mikee says that "If it's just us, I'm happy." You would feel touched. But when Mikee said it, he really meant it. However, it seems like too much of a reaction. I asked him, "Why do you think that way?" Mikee said, "Because it hurts to hope everytime. I feel bad for Polly because when you were pregnant with Seve, all of us w

ere so happy. When I found out about Polly, when you told me that you were pregnant, you even kept it a secret from me, I was a bit angry and irritated in a way. That is why whenever I see Polly I think, "Maybe that is why Polly looks like me." Why? Because when you told me the news- You already claimed that Polly has your face. Do you know who made my anger disappear? "Why is my sister the one who's pregnant? I'm the one planning." Mikee. When I told Mikee, "My sister is pregnant." We were doin

g a- Concert. We had a concert. "Catherine shouldn't do it. I'll do it." Then you were the one who got pregnant. I said, "I'd be pregnant by then." Then you got pregnant. And Mommy didn't want to say it to me. That? That you were pregnant. I asked her, "Is my sister pregnant?" Because I was being like this "Is she pregnant? Admit it. Is she pregnant?" Why won't she tell you? "I don't know. What did she tell you?" That's how Pinty acted. I also felt bad for Mommy and Daddy. Because when Polly arr

ived, they were torn. Mommy told me that when she told Daddy, "Celestine is pregnant." "Let's pray that Catherine is next." It felt like Polly wasn't celebrated that much. She was well celebrated. She was well celebrated but the news. Because you were expected to be pregnant. That was Daddy's prayer. "Let's pray for Catherine." Mommy said that. So, it means they have to be happy. Mikee was the one to break it to me. "My sister is pregnant." Then Mikee said, "They have been trying for four years.

But it was given to them." Yes, Seve is already seven years old. "It was given to them after four years. We've just been married not long ago. It's only right for them to have it." Then I realized he's right. But of course, at first, it felt like everyone is taunting me. That's how you feel when you want something and everyone has it but you. The blessing you want was given to the people around you - except for you. - Yes. But you were the one praying for it. So, what do you do when you're pray

ing for something and then everyone around you is getting it except you? You just have to be happy for other people's blessings. Because what's meant for you will come. Sometimes, you only see that because you are focused on it. You just have to let go. Let go and surrender. Sometimes, you have to go through pain so that when it finally comes you will cherish and value it more because you know the pain you went through before you finally have it. And you are still young. Yes. You're right. You a

re not yet menopause. I initially don't want to share my pregnancy journey. But Mikee told me yesterday, "Share it because it may help others." Maybe other people went through the same thing. Yes. "Your journey of always waiting. If your pregnancy will continue or not. Then you overcame it." "Don't gatekeep how you felt or your journey because the people who were with you in that infertility journey even when they are in different countries, they share their stories for other people like us who

are trying." In the end, everything works for good. You will know that once you are holding your baby. Yes. One day, when you are already holding your baby. Maybe that is why you cried when you had Polly because you waited for so long. When I gave birth? That is why Polly is a testament of faith. And God's goodness. The goodness of God. But of course to all the viewers, don't be mad at the Lord because there is a reason. Always pray "Lord, please comfort me. You like to comfort the brokenhearted

. You'll always be with the brokenhearted." Always pray like that and when you have bad news, you pray, "Lord, be with me. Be with me." "Hug me the whole time so that I won't get hurt. That I wouldn't be shattered. That I wouldn't go crazy because of what is happening." That's true. He will be with you because that is how I really felt.