Gary Gulman Live! (2002) | FULL SPECIAL

Gary Goldman thank you very much thank you oh my gosh that is nice that is wow that is that is quite a welcome I used to be an accountant and I never got that at my job I never say hey the auditor here give a round of applause very rarely if ever did that happen thank you so much that is nice and and you're welcome me to I live in California now I moved from my uh my mom's house I I did I was uh I'm 28 now I was 26 years old I moved out of the house because you know if you're 26 years old and yo

u're waking up under Star Wars sheets the force is not with you so I moved out I've moved out here I try to fit in everywhere I go and I I tried growing one of those goatees that all the cool kids have and it it I shave like once every six months you know it wasn't coming in very well and I I even found out I wasn't even growing a a goatee if it goes all the way around that's not a goatee that's called a van djk yeah if it's just on your chin that's a goatee and if you just have a beard but no m

ustache you ever see that you know what that's called that's called ugly Abe Lincoln had one and they shot him my gosh my mom I love her but there's a reason why you move 3,000 miles from home the mom's you know what I mean it's ever drive with your mom as an adult no oh I would rather pick up an escaped convict than drive my mom because she makes that noise from the passenger seat you know that I just I just want to Veer into oncoming traffic yeah I I'll give you something to about lady then I

look over there she's grabbing onto that handle right the the we're all gonna die handle what what is that thing even there for in case you want to turn your car into a Subway at some point or have a baby do chin-ups on that then I look over there and she's like this she's breaking oh thanks Mom we almost crashed but you mimed thank goodness for that that that saved Our Lives Mom I love her she calls every other day same question are you eating well it's a good thing you called Ma I have been fa

int with Hunger I had to post it I must have misplaced that I got to go I got to go get something to eat mom I got her I got her computer cuz she misses me terribly I got her computer and I gave her my email address so she could you know we could exchange emails and like a couple of days later I call her M I haven't gotten any messages You' been sending any messages she says well well what time does the email get there sweetheart I I I don't know Ma I I will ask the email man the next time I see

him maybe it got you know Som times they leave it in the bottom of their pouch and then okay so I went home and this is what happened this is why I didn't get any messages she was spelling out the word at in my email address she she didn't know about that little a with the circle around it and and God bless her why would she there was no seminar about that they they didn't send out a memo there was nothing it's just all this okay this is at and you had to know that and and really what's the poi

nt it's it's the abbreviation for AT we're we're shortening two-letter words now who designed that who was that lazy oh if I have to cross one more goddamn Tee It is sucking the life out of me if if only there were some way I could write out at without lifting my pen all the way off the paper then I'd be able to get up in the morning but this is for the birds and and then through Word of Mouth it spread to everybody who was the guy did he go to it guys you would not believe how much free time I

have now since I've been abbreviating at I have hobbies I I speak Spanish I'm getting to know my kids again it's awful I have a dad too I have a mom and a dad I uh I have one dad he is is uh he's different from your dad I was born when my father was 50 years old oh yeah yeah it was you know I love him but it was weird growing up with a dad that much older than you I found out 50 years old I was like what are you Abraham that's biblical and don't get me wrong I love them but when I was a little k

id we'd go to the movies you know a little thing we go to the movies we're both getting discounts yeah one child in Noah here is going to use a silver savings card that's all right are you are you still taking those yeah and then one time in in second grade Mrs Burns remember her she says she says kids go home ask your father who was president when he was your age and what was the price of bread yeah an interesting little social studies experiment for everyone in the class not for me for me the

most humiliating experience of my life cuz CU all the other kids had normal presents yeah the the president was was uh johnf Kennedy the president was Eisenhower they got to me yeah the uh the president was Julius Caesar and uh the price of bread was a chicken that's why old men have such big wallets from carrying around all the livestock in case you didn't know my dad is old old dads like to try to get you to do the things that they did growing up I think all dads do it but with old dads it's v

ery odd you know like in the summer we'd come in hot and sweaty my father what are you hot you're sweaty why you why don't you go outside and open up a fire hydrant like we used to open up a fire Hy HDR dad listen dad what was once a fun in the sun for you Spanky and Alfalfa is now called a felony I guess it's normal try to get your kids to do things you did Growing Up like we'll probably do that with our kids I I'll do it with my kids but it'll be different though because I I grew up in the 80s

you know so I'll tell them to do 80s things you know I'll say hey son what are you bored you B well why don't you just throw on your parachute pants and you know yeah uh break dance on down to the arc yeah yeah play yourself a quick game of Frogger yeah oh oh don't forget your members only jacket get over here let me help you straighten out that leather tie kid I'm I'm proud of you keep it Foot Loose That's my boy yeah I I miss my parents I I don't I don't miss my brother unfortunately my broth

er uh is a little different he's very wealthy now he's very successful now because he has one of those um jobs you've you've had these he goes every day it's it's like he's obsessed even on Mondays come on you know how you can tell somebody's Rich this is what I've noticed with my dad and certain people in in Los Angeles they never call their car just the car they got to let you know what kind of car they drive you know my brothers always does he the uh hey G the Beamer was in the shop so I uh I

had to take the B yeah so obnoxious I I always try to compete with them like yeah man I know what you mean the other day the uh the Geo was uh out of gas so I had to take the bus jobs I don't you know what I'm not judging you for having them it's none of my business I just I could never it was just never my thing I had one of these uh nineo FES before nine you know what the worst part of the 9 to 5 is the nine noon to 5 yes 9 to 5 that's just crazy talk I'm not even up at 9ine what am I a farme

r and the problem is is that we all use our alarm clocks and aren't you so much more bold at night when you set the alarm clock then the next morning when it goes off at night it's 2:30 in the morning I'm ready to Take On The World all right tomorrow morning I'm I'm well 2 hours from now I am going to wake up at 4:30 a.m. I'm going to jog 12 12 miles I'm I'm getting the band back together I'm going to uh I'm going to give blood I'll I'll be an hour early to work that's at night the next morning

after you've hit the snooze button 68 times you're thinking okay how many sick days do I have left can I call in one more time can I get away with that thank you but the problem is is the 9 Minute snooze button that I have mine gives me 9 Minutes how did they how did they decide on 9 Minutes 9 minutes is not a snooze 90 minutes that's a snooze and and and have you have you ever woken up from the 9 Minutes refreshed oh the nine was all I needed 10 minutes it would have been Overkill i' I'd have b

een groggy had I had that extra 60 seconds I'm so glad they nipped it right there at 9 minutes because now I'm fully rested and ready to take on the day awful these jobs you know what I had a job as a substitute teacher I was I was a gym teacher and uh God bless the little kid I I I never made them climb the ropes in gym class that is cruel and unusual I would never do that to the kids because I did it when I was a little kid it's not safe it's not safe what could go wrong here all okay kids uh

don't run in the hallways we've lost a lot of kids running in the hallways instead sweetheart walk walk into the gym climb 850 ft straight in the air yep uh yeah when you get to the top there you're going to be exhausted no doubt but what I want you to do then just slide down so fast you have fire shooting out of your hands yeah yeah hopefully some asbest will sprinkle from the ceiling and keep you from completely igniting uh and and what's that sweetie oh you're afraid of falling oh that's so c

ute he's afraid of falling don't worry about falling we've taken precautions yeah we've laid down some Thin Blue mats do you remember those were those there to break your fer so the cops could draw a chalk outline around your dead body roll them up let's take him out of here this is embarrassing and then there a special treat for the boys right for the boys only at the bottom of the rope we're going to tie a big fat knot so that when you land we will make sure you never have kids in this school

that's yeah that's right oh man you could climb those ropes all you want they never said a thing just don't run with the scissors that's all my teacher asked she would go crazy don't run with the scissors oh for the love of God kids don't remember the scissors and do you remember the scissors they didn't cut anything I got worse cuts from the brown paper towels the brown paper towels you start off with a runny nose you wind up with a bloody nose yeah there were actual pieces of bark in those thi

ngs I would I would rather wipe my nose on an oak tree than the S and those scissors you could stand there all day teacher I'm going to take my own life don't you come a step further I can't make a cursive Z you wouldn't even get a hickey from that but my teacher nonetheless would hide this visitor in a desk drawer lock the drawer to protect us which is brilliant of course because you know in the back of the room she would leave that giant paper cutter yeah you could behead a cow with that thing

oh that's right lady you hide the safety scissors leave that portable Guillotine out for everyone to play with that's and who is running with Scissors why would you would he get an emergency snowflake to cut teacher I need white construction paper stat stat is when I needed I hated I hated working hated getting up early I I and you know I was missing too much television they don't stop the TV just cuz you're at work it keeps running I love TV I saw a fascinating documentary today about prison a

wesome sir if you've never been it is uh it is a fascinating little hotel this prison I don't my gosh listen to this okay this was my favorite part of it many of the prisoners were wearing the pants low on their hips very low on their hips and they they asked them why this was in order to indicate that they had a boyfriend yeah yeah you know a little signal yeah and you know I think if I was in prison if I went to prison I would wear my pants low you know for fashion reasons and also you know I

I just think and you know what the other prisoners would call me on it you know my cellmate would probably Raz me he'd probably probably Hey where's your boyfriend Gary Gman I never see you with a boyfriend who's your boyfriend and I just I just play it off I'd say oh uh oh you don't know him yeah he uh he goes to another prison where um sha shank yeah yeah he he used to be at Oz but he he's at Shashank now yeah yeah he's a senior that's probably why you don't know him so so that you probably yo

u don't have any classes with them or whatever I'm careful about not going to prison I I don't even jaywalk I honestly don't C I get to a crosswalk I was going to the post office today I went to the crosswalk took care of it and then this is what bothers me I go over there right and then there's this woman who saw me go over there two minutes later it hasn't changed yet so she goes over she pushes it you know just in case I made a mistake oh thanks lady you push I was pulling thank you so much I

then I was rubbing I was about to start licking and then you came by and you did your magic that was amazing you should yell Tada when you do that cuz that God bless you the most impatient she's probably the type of woman who goes to the elevator it doesn't come right away she like the elevator recognizes urgency you know the elevator oh I better put down my coffee and get down there this woman seems a little anxious oh oh my gosh I uh I should read more I watch too much TV you can tell I'm alw

ays watching the TV I should read more but I'm very intimidated by bookstores you know because I go in there there's like 10 billion books I've read six of them so I'm like how dumb am I so you know what I do and you can do this too I visit books I've already read I do like they're my children and then I recommend them because you're never smarter than when you're recommending a book people are like oh he can read oh no out he he recommend the book so I'll go up to I'll make sure there's a big c

rowd in the section I'll just be oh I've read this one I highly recommend this one oh oh wait there's a sequel let me check out the sequel I enjoyed the first one immensely having read it this is good oh that George he is just as curious as ever I see the last book I read uh a biography of Dave Thomas yeah the Wendy's guy right from the commercials fascinating book I highly recommend it it is fascinating he is a billionaire bill with a with a bill right and and listen to this he's adopted he's a

dopted oh there's a biological mother who's got to be kicking [Applause] herself every time she drives by a Wendy's oh I'm made a mistake oh I made a biggie mistake what was I thinking oh my oh my gosh so I was at like I was saying I was at the post office and uh there was a this is curious yet sad I saw a baby with eyeglasses he was nine months old I asked his mommy and he's 9 months old and I I was you know I felt that oh poor kid but then at the same time I'm a little curious like like how do

you know that a 9-month-old needs glasses he's not not looking at a pop-up oh my God I got such a headache I something's going on up here I and and then how do you determine what prescription is going to be right from you take him to the do son can you read the top line I I can't read any line I I'm I'm 9 months old I I shouldn't even be talking to be quite honest with you but you're that exasperating because give me some contacts I'm vain I'm one of these vain 9 months old I don't want the kid

s making fun with the four eyes and the whatnot the post office what what the hell took so long with the self- adhesive poster stamps how do we have the space shuttle before the self- adhesive postage stamps what what was the post office sitting on this technology afraid we weren't ready for it oh we'd give it to them but it would blow their minds let them lick and and when they first came out I don't know if you noticed this they they were so proud of having the self-adhesive postage stamps tha

t they had a poster there it said congratulate us on our self adhesive postage stamps oh yeah congratulations post office mlff you invented the sticker yeah we've had stickers every banana I've ever eaten has had a sticker on it took you 400 years to catch up to chaita then then I saw today six ads for milk milk why is there one ad for milk who are they targeting with this campaign the what people unaware of milk that demographic people sitting there at home just oblivious to milk just watching

those commercials just mesmerized oh yeah oh that would go good with a cookie milk you say am am I pronouncing it correctly is it mil is it's not a silent k right I just don't want to make an ass out of myself if I ordered at a bar or maybe they're at breakfast or all bummed up oh God this Rice Krispies is so dry if only there was some sort of Beverage I could pour over it kind of moisten it up I tried Dr Pepper it was almost too effervescent if you know what I mean the snap crackle was deafenin

g when I was at the post office somebody asked me how tall I was maybe you've been wondering how tall I am I'm 65 I don't mind I'm not I'm not sensitive that way but the only thing I don't like is when they have follow-up questions to how tall I am like they're doing some sort of genetic research on me like okay so you're 6'5 and how tall were your parents that's what they always want to know and that's that's where it's a little bit odd my my dad is 5'9 my mom is 5'4 and then the people that he

ar that that my parents are small they always make the same lame joke they always go like this they always say hey how tall was the Milkman yeah that's funny yeah yeah what year is this any anybody here had Dairy delivered in the past 200 years but but but I I appreciate you questioning my mom's Fidelity I think that's I think that's Charming you know when a stranger calls my mom a trop I think that's I think that's very sweet why am I getting angry stranger oh maybe because uh you know the trut

h hurts yeah my mom was involved with the with the Milkman yeah that's her fetish yeah she loves guys with professions that no longer exist that's her that's her thing she dated the Milkman for a while she was also involved with the cobbler uh she dat the guy who delivers the ice the uh the guy who delivered the hay they had a roll in the hay if you will they stated the black for a fortnite an entire fortnite yes those are her relationships oh I see some nice relationships out there it's nice to

be in love isn't it I have my longest running relationship is my my friendship with my friend Lori we've been friends since sixth grade and uh she's still single she's very bitter about it hates couples some couples more than others single women I think hate this couple the most and ha handsome guy ugly girlfriend that ruins their life they see that it's like they're witnessing a mugging they're just oh this is [ __ ] yeah why do I even shower what the he looks like a young Paul Newman she look

s like Newman they're like to ugly people and I ugly couple oh isn't that nice see there's someone for everyone isn't that nice oh look honey two trolls out in the town that is so sweet oh my God Oompa Lumpa is in love that is so oh you don't see that enough outside the Chocolate Factory with within the Chocolate Factory of course it's quite common much like the pandas They Don't Really mate that well outside the Chocolate Factory relationships are tough they're tough you know I I was kind of La

te Bloomer you know that's what my mom says Late Bloomer that's what mom's call an ugly kid yeah I've been this tall since I was like 10 only I weighed 180 lbs less yeah let that mental photograph develop for a second yeah I had the physique of a Pez [Laughter] dispenser oh my God just repugnant my mother decided that this was the ideal time to put me in braces you know she was trying to let's see if we can get this kid uglier I want to see how ug we can get them I had braces from like the time

I was 8 till the time well just before this special I got them off for the special and I had the headgear remember the headgear they should have called it the you'll never get headgear W thank you a little vulgar but true nonetheless [Music] yeah so I uh I was a late I got a late start to the love making game I was 22 pathetic 22 years old and I was ready because I had been waiting you know I was waiting till I found somebody who would sleep with me and you got to wait that's what I say to the k

ids wait and um I you know I met this girl and she had a tattoo and I was like I'm in business you know I was like maybe she's a bad girl right maybe she takes the pill maybe she smokes the pot you don't know and I was excited and I I I couldn't hide it I I was about to lose control and I I think I liked it but but at the same time I was a little I wanted her to like me that's you know it's sad but even to this day you know I'm 28 years old we still want the other sex to like us so I I did somet

hing so stupid I got a tattoo oh and it hurt so much do you know they use a needle now when I was a kid you licked it you stuck it right on there now this guy takes out a needle I'm like what the hell is that for and then he starts going in there he makes me a little hook a little like that a little like that and I was like okay stop that right now let's let's reink this the the problem was I was going to get something really big I was going to get the bat signal right cuz I love Batman ever sin

ce I was a little kid I had all his comic books I had that movie it's called um Batman and uh sometimes when I'm alone in my apartment to this day I will look in the mirror and I'll just say I'm Batman who are you I'm Batman who I believe I just told you perhaps you weren't listening I'm Batman but the bat signal is huge I mean this he made this and it hurt a lot what so I I what I did was I talked it over with the with the tattoo artist and and I got something a little bit smaller still cool ju

st a little bit smaller I get you probably seen these a lot of football players have them I got a a comma and uh well well it's it's well it's more of a statement if you'll believe that it's more of a statement means uh stop okay continue reading that's uh pause for the cause if you will um and you know what I shouldn't have gotten it I regret it and if you have them God bless you I'm not judging you in any manner if you got it to commemorate something or it means something to you I got it for t

he worst reason ever because it's a trend and it is the worst Trend ever because it's permanent it's a Perman it would be like if in 1984 I said you know what what everyone I'm putting these leg warmers on and I'm never taking them off that's right I am going to get physical and never stop I'm going to take my passion and make it happen Shaka Kan let me rock you so so I'm over this girl's house and we're uh we're kissing you know we're making out we're Frenching Frenching remember that in eighth

grade you're French oh we frenched yeah we're we're Frenching and all of a sudden she looks to my eyes and she Whispers I love it when a woman Whispers I you know I have a little bit of a sexy way of talking I'll I'll talk through clinched teeth like that sometime you know what I mean and I I don't even care what I say cuz it's so sexy I baby want I bite into a York Peppermint pting and yeah and that thanks and that's not sexy that's disturbing is what that is but this girl whispered we're we'r

e making out you know and all of a sudden she looks in my eyes she Whispers she goes I want you isn't that awesome yeah you know so I'm pretty smooth I'm 22 years old at the time I'm very smooth so I immediately said what cuz I lived with my mom at that time I lived with my mom until I was 26 years old anytime a woman said I want you it was followed by instructions I was waiting for to be like I want you to take out the trash I want you to get a job and I I wish I could stand here and impress yo

u and make you think I was cool like I said something sexy or clutch I just I choked I said the first thing that popped in my mind you know she says I want you I just looked her right in the eyes and I said I'm Batman thank you very much everyone I had a great time you're awesome thank you thank you is this thank you thank you God bless you thank you so much thanks all than G thanks very much good night everybody thank you for coming [Music]