“People Think Scissoring Doesn’t Exist…” - Kylie Vincent - Stand-Up Featuring

good to be in La I've been doing a lot of shows in the South and they're ugly there so you guys look a lot better that's good uh I also like that La you guys are all about dogs here because I have a dog she's disabled her back legs don't work so she's in the little wheelchair super cute super hard to get cat called when you're walking a disabled dog people will stop and talk to me though they'll go oh my God God bless you this is so nice of you God bless you and I'm just like how do you know tha

t I didn't do that to her I'm like a republican Dad I'm like she was acting out you know what I mean she doesn't use the wheels at home so she'll just kind of like squirm around so I like to bring people home for the very first time walk in see her and go and I'll be like just kidding you still want to have sex with me though I have a friend in a wheelchair so I like to see how people treat them differently my friend in a wheelchair people will stare at her and she'll catch them and they'll be l

ike oh my God I just I love your shoes and then people will stare at my dog in a wheelchair and they'll be like oh my God she's so [ __ ] up that's crazy how did she go to the bathroom I'm like I have to squeeze her like a Capri Sun you want to ask her the same thing or are we good I'm also I'm gen Z so I went through the Dare program did you guys go through yeah yeah works right we're all good I've never done drugs I remember like they didn't do it right I remember sitting there and they were l

ike don't do drugs and definitely do not Huff bleach I was just sitting there like I didn't know you could hoof bleach I'm not gonna have bleach okay they brought a school bus to my school they decorated the inside like a mouthful of cancer and they're like yes this is what happens when you're an adult which we know that's not what happens they should do more realistic adult [ __ ] to scare us like we should walk onto the school bus and they should be like Turbo Tax figure that [ __ ] out okay I

feel like they didn't teach us anything realistic about being an adult like they spent so much time in health class teaching us about STDs like I've had enough sex to know that's not real all right you guys got that late that's good um yeah let's keep up okay uh I feel like they didn't teach us anything like no one said when you're an adult like you don't necessarily want to kill yourself tomorrow but every time you get behind a car wheel you're just like wouldn't it be crazy if I crash this ca

r wouldn't that be [ __ ] nuts and your passengers like yeah are you gonna crash this car they're like no but don't be [ __ ] up right better be a good passenger because like every time you go to the doctor and you're like hey I'm gonna kill myself they're like oh here's this pill the side effects are you may want to kill yourself I'm like oh can I try a different one they're like oh oh yeah yeah this one this one makes you fat and ugly and you're still going to want to kill yourself I'm like if

I'm gonna kill myself anyway I'd like to be hot like open casket at the funeral people are coming out like whoa she's so [ __ ] hot why'd she kill herself make people question necrophilia what I didn't say that shut up um I'm also I'm queer um all right [Applause] shut up seriously who's gay in here yeah who's straight don't vote for that that is homophobic you piece of [ __ ] okay the rest of you didn't answer straight but watching gay porn for sure I tell people I'm queer and they'll be like

what does that mean and I'm like oh it means all day anyone and they're like oh so you date Hitler you know those people like in in middle school I said I was against the death penalty and some girl was like oh so you wouldn't kill Hitler I was like no I'm like 13. and that guy has like an army so also I'm Jewish but like that's not why I wouldn't date Hitler I don't like dudes with mustaches girls are really into that now they'll see like an ugly dude by is a mustache and they'll be like she he

's so [ __ ] hot and I'm like yeah he's literally Hitler I was also like a really homophobic towards myself before I came out like before I claimed I was straight and I'd make out with women and be like this is just for fun but now I've embraced it so I'm like this is serious business this [ __ ] serious okay first time I hooked up with a woman she tried kissing me good morning the next morning and I was like bro are you you [ __ ] gay what are you doing also people think scissoring doesn't exis

t it exists it's just like so hard to do oh my God I have never felt more like gay people shouldn't have rights than when I was trying to get into that position I was like um okay uh yeah God did not intend this for us at all but like I still like to date straight men because like I like watching them learn things I was dating a guy his face was so dry he was molting like a rattlesnake I was like oh here's some lotion and he's like babe you changed my lives and then I I act like a girl I'm like

yeah there's lotion everywhere so I don't even know like what he was doing before me like he didn't cook meals I don't know how he fed himself he's just like in trash cans like a raccoon which makes sense because that's how he ate me out he just dumpster diving it's not a joke about my [ __ ] having garbage by the way it's about him not making me come okay uh also okay I lived out of a car for a year in the fun way but not like in The Tick Tock way you know what I mean they're like build this va

n for only a hundred thousand dollars in your parents driveway I'm like get a house you idiot no I like piston buckets okay growing up my mom was like really in a gender role she's like a man should be in the house to do things women shouldn't have to do that stuff and I always thought that was really messed up and then I lived out of a car and I had to do stuff on my own and I was like yeah men should do these things honey come clean my piss bucket uh also every time I suck dick I feel like a w

ar hero coming home from war I go home I look in the mirror and I'm like Kylie you [ __ ] you you suck that dick okay or America cause sucking [ __ ] being a war hero is the same thing we both can't explain why we're there we're there for like way too many years and we started young hoping it would pay for our College sometimes I'm down there so long I'm drafting a letter home to my family I'm like dearest family rations have been running low but morale is high just kidding he just bombed inside

my mouth you guys are [ __ ] um when I was 14 I read in the magazine it said when you're sucking dick make noise so they know you like it yummy dick [Applause] it's not blooming onion it's dick I didn't use a gift card for this [ __ ] okay