Ring: A Mind Melting Adventure Game

[howling of jet engines] [clanking and whirring of mech parts] [*clonk-clonk-clonk*] FAFNER: “Wotan! We have completed Valhalla.” Captions by: Val Grim Another Halloween, another new adventure game. Though, this year is different in that it could be a one-time show. Getting this version made into a cut where the backend robots didn’t yell at it was already an ordeal. So, if you’re seeing this during the Premiere, or the Patreon watch page, or some third party website – that’s why this video may

have vanished or be slightly different than the one on the main channel. It was not a smooth process, and this is more like the Flavor Flav Nite Tales of the adventure game videos. So, with that answered, what the hell is “Ring”? Put simply, it’s an adaptation of “Der Ring des Nibelungen”. No Sadako here. It’s an opera (though he’d prefer the term “musical drama”) by Richard Wagner. It’s a cozy little production that clocks in at about 15 hours. It’s usually performed over four nights, so that t

he audience can actually survive it. If you thought “Les Mis” was long, welcome to Germany… It is, in every sense of the term, a national epic. So, in 1997, a company founded by two Slovenian architects decided to make it into a game. It would be published by a French company, Cryo Interactive, and the team included the renowned French artist Phillipe Druillet. If you haven’t heard of him, the dude is particularly a legend in comic books. He frequently uses bold, striking colors, and his work is

surreal, but endlessly detailed. So, for giving a fantasy epic like “Ring” some flavor, he’s not a bad choice. Though, if you have heard of him, you know he’s more famous for his sci-fi art. Well, this adaptation would be a sci-fi one. “Ring” would take place in the far future… of 40K. [gun goes brakka] SPESS MEHREN: "RA-A-A-A!!" No, pardon me, 40c. The idea was that the story of the Ring Cycle is just so timeless it can surely fit into any setting, so there’s no need to get into the original f

or now. Boy, will he… The game is currently abandonware, and, to be able to play and record it, I had to reinstall my operating system. It won’t work if certain Nvidia drivers are installed, or a lot of other mystery things, really. For some reason, the game wasn’t supported much, and most reviews I can find of it said it was very, very bad. IGN gave it a 2.7/10, though Gamespot was more generous and gave it a 3.7/10. Now, these aren’t great signs, but they did say the story can stand on its own

. I can maybe agree that… the game HAS a story… Sort of. Okay, let me start the game. There should be enough of a… Oh, we’re here. Um… A cutscene is supposed to play there, but it doesn’t, so I had to go hunt it down. ISH: “I have been known by many names.” ISH: “Messiah.” ISH: “Emperor.” Thanos. He says he’s a god and hero, and wants to tell his story. This seems like it should be important, but we’ll see how it goes. You’re flashbacked into his past to see his adventure, which he tells you is

also YOUR adventure. [roaring of jet engines] ERDA: “Come hither, my child.” ERDA: “Enter. Become the Earth’s child again, ISH.” ISH? ERDA: “This task is your path – as old as the world itself. Perhaps, even older. Depends on the age that we bestow upon the gods.” The great adventure ends up being ISH entombing himself inside of a “Mummy Returns” prop. In order to save mankind, he must unravel the secrets of… “The Ring”… play. Because this story is one of mankind’s greatest creations. [music ris

es triumphantly] [*WOOSH*] I- ERDA: “Dril?” HELIUM PITCH DRIL: “Your Majesty!” 🤩 Oh, God… ERDA: “Get to work.” DRIL: “Yes, Your Majesty!” 🤩 It can’t sound like that the whole game…! ERDA: “Not like that, Dril – panoramic.” DRIL: “Ouch! Oh, sorry, I’m a bit, we-heh… rusty…” 🤭 ERDA: “There, ISH, I have returned eye and arm to you. Now you can set off.” ERDA: “But do not worry – I shall escort you.” Okay! Now we’re all caught up! It is odd that the eldritch sarcophagus doesn’t plug him into the

Matrix, but instead just controls an RC Claptrap, but you’re now free to wander this asteroid/space station/amphitheater. There are statues you can interact with that give you more information about the characters in the story, but not about the current setting. It is peaceful to explore here – you’re just listening to nice Wagner music, and the narration is being done by award-winning actress Charlotte Rampling. They really had set out to make something classy and cultured. ERDA: “She now has t

o discover those of freedom.” [*BABOOM*] ERDA: “She now has to discover those of freedom.” [*BABOOM*] The fuck?! What’s with the artillery strikes?! The fuck?! What’s with the artillery strikes?! ERDA: “…that he was himself wanted as a weapon in the-“ [*BABOOM*] ERDA: “…that he was himself wanted as a weapon in the-“ ERDA: “-on a symbol of the New Order.” [*BABOOM*] ERDA: “-on a symbol of the New Order.” There’s no battle I can see. Like, who’s being shelled by them? [*BABOOM*] There’s no battle

I can see. Like, who’s being shelled by them? To this day, I have not found an explanation. It could represent a galactic war, and that’s what makes ISH’s adventure so important? Or something like that? Or it could be like the “Citizen Kane” parrot that’s supposed to shriek you back awake. Except, “Ring” delivers that trick every 45 seconds directly above ground for maximum impact. ERDA: “The Rhinemaidens’ gold was sleeping at the heart of the Eternal Mists.” [*BABOOM*] ERDA: “The Rhinemaidens’

gold was sleeping at the heart of the Eternal Mists.” This is fine anyways, because it’s an absolute exposition dump. You get backstories for all kinds of characters, because there are 4 stories to play, and you can play them at any time. So it can’t take into account how relevant something will be in that very moment. With that in mind, our first character is Alberich. Or Alberish? Or Alberitch? The game uses all kinds of names for each character. Sometimes, it’s the original German names for

the Norse characters, sometimes, it’s just the Norse characters, and sometimes, it’s a translation from who knows where. So, Alberich is the king of the dwarves, and is spiteful as you’d expect. He’s preparing for revenge against the gods, so we’ll start with him. A-alright, got the Fisher Price myth selector. Let’s go. [clanking of hammer and hissing of steam] [*wzoop*] MEME: “Ah! Your Majesty! (pant) My brother!” 🤩 MEME: “Er… I see you have returned!” 😯 MEME: “Eh, neh, the… the mine, the… th

e Nibelungen… wheh, it’s… it’s not my fault!” 😬 MEME: “You see, they, they… they’ve all gone!” 😐 MEME: “Uh, humpf… You… you must do something! After all, you… you are the king!” 😌 MEME: “Er… And this… this I told them!” 😤 MEME: “Yet, they, eh… they all gone – POOF!!” 😣 Have you ever heard someone speaking in the way they say something is so bizarre it just skips over the part of your brain that processes it? “Ring” has a few examples of those, and, somehow, this dude isn’t the best at it. M

EME: “Eh… Erm… Look, Glug and ore as proof of… of my good faith!” 😌 [loud bubbling] I… Wut… ALBERICH: “Your good faith? H-hahohohohoho!” 😈 ALBERICH: “My dear Meme, fear, repression – THESE are the words that are music to my ears.” 😈 There’s so much to unpack already… Why is Glug tribute, and what is Glug? It kind of looks like the “Dungeon Keeper” cover. ALBERICH: “Now… (breathes in) what am I supposed to do with your ludicrous toys?” 😒 If you notice the in-game subtitles being off or not ma

tching the audio – that’s in the game itself. You learn that Glug is for the motorbike, and can explore around as Alberich a bit. There is an item panel, like many adventure games, and you have Brutality, Glug and the ore. There’s not much to do in the forge yet, but Alberich can tear Meme’s ass apart for daring to own a decoration. ALBERICH: “An ornament? Huhahah! Here, in the foul, stinking half-dark of your forge?” 🤨 ALBERICH: “Ohohoho, have you suddenly acquired a taste for beauty?” 😈 ALBE

RICH: “You – a squat, moldy and groveling toad in this palace of hags?” 😈 Yeah, I wouldn’t know what to say either. Well, he wants to keep it, and this is where Brutality comes in. [pompous orchestra] [*dunk*] MEME: “Oh! Don’t get so angwy!“ 😫 MEME: “You’re the king, take your piece of glass!” 🥺 I feel like Alberich wouldn’t be satisfied with this, and the game does too, because you can hit him more. [*dunk*] MEME: “OW! Oh, why you’re hitting me-e?!” 😭 ALBERICH: “Because I L-LIKE it, you sli

my gutter dwarf!” 😈 [*whack*] ALBERICH: “Because it is my good pleasure, you rotten little cabbage!” 😈 [*smack*] ALBERICH: “Because it pleases me, you worthless prince of slime!” 😈 The Wagner music is nice, but out of place and looped in a really psychotic way. Unfortunately, I can’t demonstrate that much on YouTube, since there are about 500 different people who want to claim the music as their own. So, if things seem disjointed, or a part gets muted, or the video itself disappears, you’ll k

now why. Anyhow, Alberich also collects the Tear of Loge (though you might know him better as Loki). It’s heated forever, and will always evaporate water that touches it, meaning, it’s effectively a nuclear reactor. Our dwarf king is gonna need it for something deeper in the mine. It’s not a Mercedes, but it is a motorbike. And you power it wi-ith… Not the energy source. Then you remember that this is what Glug was for, though you have to click in the exact magical spot, like you’d expect. GLUG:

“ERRG, UGGH, ARAREGHH!! ERR, UGGH, HUMGH, UMGH!!” [Glug keeps on glugging] RING DOCUMENTARY: “-industry’s most innovative.” [Glug keeps on glugging] RING DOCUMENTARY: “And feature a particularly fluid and dynamic interactive software engine, offering unprecedented immersion, both, visual and emotional.” [Glugh is grunting rabidly, while the engine is rumbling and opera is playing in the background] You throw minerals for Glug, he eats them, and that makes the motorbike go. You might be wonderin

g, and no – Glug is not in the original opera. But maybe he should be… Alberich makes his rounds travelling Nibelheim, which is awkward to navigate. You would think that you would only need to click again when there is a fork in the path and you need to choose a way, but instead, you frequently need to click again just to keep going. It is safe to say that Phillipe really went to work on the designs. It didn’t translate too well to character models in 1998, but the environments definitely still

hold up. Though, one of the locations you can visit has what looks like a Space Marine drinking out of a giant straw. But remember: 40c, not 40K. There’s nothing to do here yet anyway, so you can get back on your bike, and Glug will need the minerals every time you turn it back on. [glugging on] On the other side of the kingdom, you can visit Alberich’s control center. He’s looking to get production back in order, and has something nefarious in mind. The motorcycle won’t take you directly to his

lair – you’ll have to ride his Daedric Secretlab gaming chair to get up into it. This pleases him. ALBERICH: ♪ “Pom-pom-pom-PO-O-OM!!” ♪ ALBERICH: ♪ “Dun-du-dun-dun-dah, dun-du-dun-dun-dah!” ♪ It turns out Meme’s ornament did have a use, as it fits into a puzzle. Each panel tells a history of the god Wotan (or Odin). It talks about how he desired to rule the world and then did so. When you solve that, you can activate the computer, though it’s undergoing some technical issues. Alberich fixes it

with his trusty five finger solution. [*DING*] The map is now active, and, presumably, the system’s back online. From here, it should be easy going into the storage room. [*ponk*] I guess not… The first time I played this game, I couldn’t actually save it, because it was broken. It’s not a huge deal now, but I still feel something burst in my chest when I see that endgame screen. What you need to do is move the tunnel around. That way, you won’t be aircraft-catapulted into the wall. Now that yo

u’re not pulverized down into salted pork, you can get your stuff. A few of the vaults next to the… big egg… are empty, so you’ll need to look around carefully. Actually, only one locker has an item – a diving helmet. It’s the big egg that contains the anti-gravity gel you need. You don’t know what it’s for. With that done, you can head back up. Just make sure to put the pipe back into place and flood the antechamber on the other side of Nibelheim. This is critical to the plan, and so is… the Me

me frog… MEME FROG: “Ribbit-ribbit, ribbit-ribbit.” MEME FROG: “RIBBIT-RIBBIT, RIBBIT-RIBBIT!” [applying frog to the vent core] That was pleasant. Now the magic frog lets Alberich breathe underwater. “Ring” makes me wonder: was the audio made for humans? [the exquisite blend of gluggening, engine farts and opera music] The actual music and effects sound peaks can get astoundingly high, and there’s no way to just turn off the music, which would have made my life much easier. If you don’t go direc

tly back to the pipe chamber, you could learn a bit more about why the factory’s not working. ALBERICH: “Why don’t you… come on up and see me? We have much need to talk a while with you.” DWARF: “Of course, sire! I’ll get into the lift, and you can bring me up.” [*thwop*] [rattling of tin cans] You have to be careful not to pancake him with the lever. And then the dwarf will explain what’s actually happening. The kingdom is shut down and not producing anything, because the dwarves have formed a

union, and are now on strike. Alberich’s about ready to murder him on hearing this, but wants them all to come back to work. DWARF: “And it just goes to show that work organized on ideals of fairness and mutual effort” DWARF: “would appear to be just as productive as your… how can I say this… more kingly methods.” [*WHACK*] ALBERICH: “I want you to work for me again.” DWARF: “You do? Oh, I am honored! However, I do-o foresee two problems.” DWARF: “Firstly, nothing in your kingdom works anymore.”

DWARF: “And secondly, I don’t see how it would benefit us.” DWARF: “In short, what I mean to say is: let’s be honest – not a chance!” ALBERICH: “I think you’re going to change your mind.” 😠 Alberich’s voice acting is fantastic. He’s so thrilled to be evil when he has power, and just so bitter when he doesn’t. But it’s his upcoming segment that seals it for me. You equip the diving helmet and go into the chamber you flooded earlier. If you don’t click the helmet first, you just die. If you do…

[off-screen seal] [*sploosh*] There’s nowhere to actually swim to. [*wzoop*] RHINEMAIDEN: “My sisters, listen! An ode to the Rhine, and one for Wotan, our father, for having entrusted us with such a delightful mission!” RHINEMAIDEN: “Frolicking all day long in the ever-changing waters and guarding his sacred treasure!” The treasure is brilliant, spectacular Gold. The Gold is so spectacular that it can be forged into a ring that will grant the power to rule the world. It’s even beyond that – it w

ill grant ABSOLUTE power. Wotan has told them to lure away or distract anyone who comes too close, but, unfortunately for them, they’re dealing with Alberich. ALBERICH: “Poor little fish… You think I find your advances irresistible?” 🤨 ALBERICH: “No. Go instead and sing your desires to the salmon and the trout.” 🙄 [*BOOM*] For blowing off each of the Rhinemaidens, Alberich gets a new key, and then he surfs away. You go through this a few times. ALBERICH: “Elusive as the river, deceptive as a w

oman.” 😑 ALBERICH: “A dwarf I may be, yet I am not fool enough to be caught in your net.” 🙄 [*BOO-OM*] RHINEMAIDEN: “Come, drink peace, happiness and oblivion from my breast.” 👄 ALBERICH: “I have no taste for peace and happiness.” 😒 ALBERICH: “And as for oblivion, my little fishy, huh-huh-huh… You’re already history.” 😎 [*BOO-OM*] Fuck off, I hate being happy! [triumphant orchestra] The anti-gravity boots let you fly up, but the noclipping – I have no idea. It’s like a playable YouTube Poop

. After dealing with the fish in the sea, Alberich must endure the halls of torment. They might not actually be called that, but it’s what they feel like. The environment can be really cool in these sections, but the puzzles become nonsense. Not that our standard was high before, now you grab a fish and put it in another tank, and then a dolphin eats it, which is actually another Rhinemaiden, and this leads to playing hot potato with a medallion for multiple sections. One will give you a medalli

on as a gift, and then you give it back, and then they say you deserve it, but then someone else needs the medallion, so it keeps going all over the place. Sometimes, you click water, and a fish lady comes out. Sometimes, you instantly drown. It’s one of those classic adventure game moments where doing the exact same thing gets you killed. Do it right and you won’t drown, or be murdered by the haunted arms. [strange sound supplementing shorty's swift strangulation] There’s a lot to get past in t

his section, but Alberich’s musings do make it entertaining. ALBERICH: “Trust is the weak man’s favorite excuse. *I* am a CONQUEROR, not a beggar of human charity!” 😒 ALBERICH: “I choose to be rich and warm. A condition which better suits my royal nature.” 😈 [creaking of the door] What’s weird is the maidens want him to demonstrate all kinds of qualities, and he could just brush past them, and then he usually dies. Instead, he performs the good deed, they say why that’s good, and then he says

it’s all bullshit. ALBERICH: “Well, on this point I must agree – sacrifice is indeed a noble thing.” 😌 ALBERICH: “In fact, without a moment’s regret, I would sacrifice all those who stand in my way!” 😈 Alberich is quickly moving up my list of villains as he gets closer to the Gold. There is an option to choose love, or virtue, or something like that, but it is treated as a game over, which is appropriate for Alberich. Of course, you can just die here again, if you forget to use your diving hel

met. As for the “good” ending, it sure looks like another one where he drowned. So let them sing to the salmon and the trout, and get the Gold. [*wzoop*] ALBERICH: “Well, here is the Gold, you walking disaster, mhehah. It wasn’t that difficult.” 😈 ALBERICH: “Now open your ears and gather your few remaining wits about you.” 👿 ALBERICH: “You must forge a ring and a crown in accordance with my precise instructions.” 👿 ALBERICH: “Huhum, the world is MINE! The Nibelungens – my sla-haha-ves, wahaha

ha, A-AHAHAHAHAHA~a~a…!” 😈 Nah… You and Glug have to take a final trip to the Astartes chamber. Now Loge’s Tear can be used to power up the factory again, and the ring lets him rule over everyone. This could go a few different OH, F-! Fuck… This could go a few different OH, F-! Fuck… ERDA: “What have you learned, my son?” ISH: “I have learned that desire is a cruel mistress.” ISH: “I’ve seen a man renounce love for Gold.” ERDA: “And why did he so desire this Gold?” So ISH gets a little “what wa

s that all about?” lesson, and then it becomes the Heaven’s Gate manifesto. ERDA: “At the dawn of the 21st century, the nine forms of intelligent life in the universe came into contact with each other.” ERDA: “This was to be the second Great Upheaval in human history.” ERDA: “Greed very soon held sway over curiosity, and a war like no other began.” ERDA: “They fought for power, riches and space, which was nevertheless infinite.” ERDA: “Soon, the four most powerful warmongers formed a deadly alli

ance. Humans were on the defeated side.” It may surprise you to learn that this intergalactic war and history – it all goes nowhere. This is brain poison. Learning it can only hurt you. This also makes the framing even more nonsensical. If ISH is in the future (you know – it’s like a sci-fi setting for us), if he’s learning about the Ring Cycle, shouldn’t it be a normal fantasy kind of setting? Like the actual matrixes in the past, or, you know, a video game? The sci-fi elements have nothing to

do with the actual stories being told. They’re used for puzzles, but, other than that, completely superficial. You could argue they’re showing ISH a world more familiar to him, so it’s not too alien, and he can understand it. I don’t think so. At this point, I’m convinced it’s a torture device. Did they really think Glug was like Microsoft Clippy? No! Does this device look anything BUT evil? NO! They’re trying to kill me! Personally! You can follow the general gist of the story… for now… The act

ual opera. But the deep lore? Absolutely not. This would be like if I asked you to watch “Fellowship of the Ring”, asked how you liked it, and then went “Oh, yeah, it’s just like how we’re fighting the Grays and Reptilians.” “And Legolas knows the Earth is flat – that’s also true, my son.” It makes the whole experience so confusing… All I can do for now is spin the wheel of madness and move on to Loge. Laga, Loga, Loki… It doesn’t matter. [burning_meteorites.mp3] [distorted humming of engines] [

distorted humming of engines] My setup really doesn’t like that engine sound, but maybe it runs better on yours. [distorted humming of engines] [clanking of mech parts] [*clonk-clonk-clonk*] FAFNER: “Wotan! We have completed Valhalla.” Alright, so they don’t clearly explain what’s happening here, but the original story does. These two transformers are the giants Fasolt and Fafner. They were contracted to build Valhalla for the gods, being offered Wotan’s sister-in-law, Freia, as payment. Now tha

t they’re done, Wotan is getting cold feet about the deal. It’s just they’re playing this scene without any setup to it, so it looks like nonsense. [sibilants spike like mad] WOTAN: “Freia, sweet Freia…” Eugh… WOTAN: “Freia, with her generous hands, to whom we return each day in search of our immortality…” WOTAN: “I cannot abandon her.” FARAWAY FASOLT: “How dare you break your oath!” FARAWAY FASOLT: “You are the first of all the gods not to keep his word!” FARAWAY FASOLT: “Freia was promised to

us! Freia BELONGS to us!” The lack of music makes this whole scene extra surreal. Like, shoving a frog into diving equipment was worthy of music, but this doesn’t make the cut. You just hear Starscream and his brother mad about their payment plan. FAFNER: “We shall keep Freia!” [menacing stomping] LOGE: “The Gold, Wotan. The Gold may be our only salvation.” Fuck it. LOGE: “Alberich has stolen it and forged the Ring.” LOGE: “I have learned that, since then, he has been hoarding countless riches i

n the gloom of Nibelheim.” WOTAN: “Your labor has been immense. Your rewards shall be infinite.” [and your speakers - demolished] WOTAN: “Your labor has been immense. Your rewards shall be infinite.” WOTAN: “I am not offering you Gold, but rather its inexhaustible source.” WOTAN: “You must accept this price!” FAFNER: “We have learned to mistrust you, Wotan!” FAFNER: “When we see the Gold, and if it is as inexhaustible as you say, then we shall return Freia to you.” [winter_magic.mp3] [roaring of

engines] WOTAN: “Loge, my loyal advisor, return to Nibelheim, seize Gold and Ring from the dwarf’s filthy hands.” WOTAN: “Once again I shall oppose the giants. You go down into the mine and take care of that rat!” This is where hell begins. [*wzoop*] MEME: “Halt! Who goes there?!” 😠 MEME: “The mine is closed!” 😑 MEME: “So no visitors...” MEME: “...are allowed...” MEME: “...down here.” MEME: “NO ENTRY! That’s right, no entry!” MEME: “So don’t you come any further!” MEME: “So, I am...” MEME: “S

o, I am, at the moment...” MEME: “So, I am, at the moment, working on...” MEME: “So, I am, at the moment, working on something...” MEME: “So, I am, at the moment, working on something that is...” MEME: “So, I am, at the moment, working on something that is very...” MEME: “So, I am, at the moment, working on something that is very, very...” MEME: “So, I am, at the moment, working on something that is very, very PRECIOUS!” MEME: “So, about turn! Retreat!” 😤 The music loops like this throughout Lo

ge’s entire story. It keeps looping and building back on itself to a crescendo that never comes. This talk with Meme goes on forever, too – he just wants to see Alberich. Meme explains that Alberich has been working everyone to the bone, and is now a powerful sorcerer. He’s created effigies that make… scary things appear… or something like that. And that’s how he keeps control. MEME: “He’s just TERRIFYINGLY good, bly me!” 😱 MEME: “TERRIFYINGLY good!” 😱 It’s five minutes of this, and… nearly im

possible to retain any of it. Meme mentions there’s also a transformation material somewhere that could help you out. We’ll… see… Now you get to explore Nibelheim again! ALBERICH: “Put your backs into it, you processionary PI-IGS!” 😈 Alberich has a lot of different lines for screaming at the dwarves. ALBERICH: “Wo-ork, you repugnant regurgitation from the throat of an old and ugly mother-in-law, hahahaha!” 😈 ALBERICH: “You evo-lutio-nary rejects! You have no right to exist! Make yourself usefu

l at least!” 😈 ALBERICH: “Grovel, you spineless hunchbacks!” 😈 The man takes so much joy in his work. Now you need to hunt down his effigies, and his gaming lair seems like the best place to check. [*ponk*] You’ve gotta do some puzzle nonsense again, but can break into the vault after that. Unlike last time, where it was mostly empty, there are three effigies here, along with a strange material, instead of the anti-gravity yoghurt. When that’s done, you’ve got all you need to explore the other

side of Nibelheim. It is kind of interesting that Loge surfs around too, but through the air. I’m gonna guess the surfing was saving a lot of animation time. This is where you discover the volus torture chamber and what I see when I can’t sleep at night. VOLUS: "BA-A-A!" You have to talk to this gachimuchi volus, and it is… designed to make you crazy. It feels like he contains the activation switch for taking out some politician somewhere. It is a 7 minute tirade about dwarves and… I don’t know

… The delivery, the way the music loops over it… Let me give you just a little bit. VOLUS: “I’VE... devoted... my...” VOLUS: “...life...” VOLUS: “...to them-m...” VOLUS: “And did…” VOLUS: “WHAT I COULD TO GET THEM TO REBEL!” 👺 VOLUS: “BUT IN VAIN!” 👺 VOLUS: “To them-m, I’m” VOLUS: “JUST A FREAK!” 🤬 VOLUS: “TO BE L-LAUGHED AT!” 🤬 VOLUS: “...during their break... time.” VOLUS: “They’d all bend” VOLUS: “o v e r b a c k w a r d s” 🥴 VOLUS: “TOO-O protect that” VOLUS: “M E G A L O M A N I A C

C R E E P!” 🤬 VOLUS: “Yo-ououou won’t even be-” VOLUS: “Youou won’t even be abol to get close to him.” VOLUS: “The only solution” VOLUS: “IS TO KILL THEM!!” 👺 VOLUS: “KILL THEM, KILL THEM ALL!!” 👺 Doesn’t that just make your ears sing? The voice always changing, the music endlessly looping… For seven minutes. This legitimately might have been done in one take. I’ll leave a link to the full scene, if you wanna see how long you can last. From what I can make out, he says the dwarves still under

Alberich are a lost cause and deserve genocide. Redirecting that water from earlier could cleanse this place from sin. Since he delivered this information like a crazy man trying to impersonate the Master from “Fallout” singlehandedly, I think he deserves to be the first to join the new world. [roaring of flames] GACHI VOLUS: "A-A-AH!!" The scene cuts are so abrupt it’s like… It feels like being shocked back to life or something. It doesn’t matter. Let the river flow. [rushing water] ALBERICH:

“My dwarves! My Nibelungen!” 😨 ALBERICH: “He’s killed my dwarves! It can’t be!” 😡 ALBERICH: “All my dwarves! All my little dwarves!” 😭 ALBERICH: “Oh, what am I supposed to do now, Mr. I-kill-everyone-and-it-doesn’t-stop-me-from-having-a-blast?! Huh?!” 🤬 ALBERICH: “WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT THE DWARVES?!” 👺 ALBERICH: “One little dwarf – just a small one!” 😩 ALBERICH: “Oh, but they’re all small… Oh, wait, teeny-tiny one!” 😓 ALBERICH: “Oh, my kingdom for a dwarf!” 😫 After the pocket pri

nce purging, you can confront Alberich, and it is a doozy… In the original story, Alberich gets tricked, and here it’s something else entirely. ALBERICH: “Well, well, well… Wotan has sent me his cherished mutt!” 😈 ALBERICH: “Aroo-o-o, ruw-ruw-ruw-roo-o-o! Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh…” 🤪 ALBERICH: “Let’s. Face. Facts, mongrel: yes, Wotan is a god – the God of gods, even.” 😑 ALBERICH: “But you see, I’m the Dwarf of dwarves!” 😈 ALBERICH: “The biggest of the smallest!” 😈 ALBERICH: “And, by far, the mos

t vicious, brutal, cruel, sadistic and dangerous creature under 5 feet tall that you’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting!” 😈 Imagine how much confidence someone has to have to announce that they’re under 5 feet as part of their threat? Loki is here under the order of God of gods, and Alberich could not give a single fuck. After some more surfing, Loge explains the nature of order and gives an entire monologue about his perspective of how things go. Loge’s performance is also very good, and h

is cold, calculating demeanor is a perfect contrast for Alberich. Alberich’s not too bothered by the threats or even the genocide. Instead, he’s the most offended by how long Loge’s speech is taking. So he decides to end it in an effigy battle. ALBERICH: “I call on the insidious arrow with its coat of lies! The poisonous slitherer, ringed with all the cunning and ignominy in the world!” 😈 [*reeroo*] To beat him, you have to pick the right monster to battle his. As far as I can tell, the game it

self doesn’t have any hints – you just have to go with what you think would be the best option. The animation here is neat, and it’s a fun, but brief sequence. In his defeat, Loga has won the Ring. For some reason, the music gets much louder in this section, but Alberich curses the Ring forever. Whoever wears it, will only know death and misfortune. And then… [*shloorp*] ALBEFROG: "Ribbit-ribbit." ALBEFROG: "Ribbit-ribbit." [*w-woosh*] Sure… The Ring is entombed inside of a giant egg, and the gi

ants think it’s another trick. Getting it out is an excuse to include more puzzles, including a slide puzzle. Slide puzzles are for children, and they’re completely incompatible with my brain. The idea of having to mess a part up to make it work again just… doesn’t… compute. This is my kryptonite. But, after entering that and how many days are in a year, you get the Ring. Unbelievably, Wotan tries to cross them again on this. Until our narrator, Charlotte – the voice of the Earth – reminds him t

hat it’s cursed. Then he gives it to the giants, so they can squabble over it. Freia is released from the whack crystal prison. FASOLT: “I shall keep what I have earned by right!” [imposing opera music and sounds of mech struggle] [molten core] [justice rains from above] [*BABOOM*] [*donk*] You do more puzzles on this Combine piano. I don’t know why. They don’t say why you need to. But you have to. This heralds the beginning of a section that many adventure games have, where it just gives up, an

d you mainly get puzzles. It doesn’t look cheap most of the time, but the story becomes so gutted that it feels empty even if you do know this story. ERDA: “When the Four divided the universe between them,” Please, no… ERDA: “When the Four divided the universe between them,” ERDA: “they also laid down their laws.” ERDA: “The five slave races then began paying for the opulence of this New Order with their lives.” Okay, I have to ask: who or what was “Ring” made for? The dialogue and themes seem w

ay, way too heavy for kids, but there are so many certified “Looney Tunes” moments too! All while telling a German opera fantasy story in a science fiction skin, with large parts of the story either removed or completely changed to make the game go forward. The budget on display is so high for what this is. But even now, knowing the story of “Ring”, and getting the gist of what is supposed to be happening in scenes… it’s still a lot of nonsense. If you DON’T know the story, it becomes impossible

to follow. And don’t forget, these are stories inside a story, which is even more of a fever dream that’s never elaborated on. Playing this without context actually made me feel crazy in a way no other game has quite captured. There are games that are frustrating or hard or convoluted. THIS is a Necronomicon that makes sense to SOMEBODY. I would love to know what the plan was. Like, who was the target audience? It sold a few hundred thousand copies, so some adventure game players did pick it up

. Anyhow, our third story is Siegmund. And, instead of having a long cutscene to set the stage, we just get this. [burning_meteorites.mp3] [*wzoop*] DOG-WOLF-THINGY: "RAWR!" The statue didn’t prepare me for this. DOG-WOLF-THINGY: "YAWN!" DOG-WOLF-THINGY: "RAW- YAWN!" I did not click it that time, and- Wolf sense? Nothing. There’s nothing relevant (if you could call it that) until the end, so, what are the highlights? The door to the house is locked, so Siegmund wanders through the woods. There a

re many shots of Siegmund wandering through the woods. He goes to his house and uses precious metals to forge a tiny man. The tiny man can be used to hand-deliver rat poison to a rat living in the cupboard. I’m only assuming it’s a rat. The sound indicates it might not be a rat. [ferocious roar] I think it’s a rat. You cross a bridge to get to worms, but you can only see the worms if you use wolf vision, and you deploy the tiny golem man to get those, so you can go fishing, because the fish has

a key in it… This leads to the ancient temple beneath which is your secret lair where you can get the boat out for the double deluxe hidden Viking funeral. And, honestly, I’m forgetting the details, but, somehow, SOMEHOW, all this shit leads to opening the door. I don’t have answers. YOU have a better view of the game than I do! [Alberich singing with joy in his heart] SIEGMUND: “Whoever you may be – whether fairy, woman or apparition – do not send me away!” SIEGMUND: “I’m a tired and weary stra

nger. I must rest here.” Damn, relatable. WOMAN: “This woman and home belong to Hunding, the warrior. But we gladly offer you his hospitality.” WOMAN: “Enter and rest, stranger. I will bring you something to drink.” It turns out, the mysterious woman has a fursona pin, just like Siegmund does. She is Sieglinde, his long-lost sister, and he is very… very… VERY happy to see her. One of the many issues of this is that she is already married to Hunding, and he is not Hun-digging it. HUNDING: “What i

s HE doing here?!” 😑 HUNDING: “Stranger, I can easily recognize in you your errant and wild lineage. You are not welcome in my house!” 😒 It’s supposed to be dramatic, but… Hunding’s voice, combined with that dialogue, sounds like something straight out of “Xavier, Renegade Angel”. HUNDING: “Oh yes? And since when have you been taking such liberties? I feel greatly deceived.” 😤 HUNDING: “Well, so be it.” [creaking of leather] HUNDING: “You can spend the night here.” HUNDING: “But, as an attent

ive host, I feel it my duty to warn you:” HUNDING: “tomorrow, at first light, I shall kill you, whether or not you have a weapon with which to defend yourself.” What Hunding didn’t count on was the tiny man slipping him rat poison, so you could knock him out and then grab a sword out of the garden. Your reward for enduring this is… the budget cutscene. WOTAN: “The evil curse has taken hold of me. My own wife goes against my will.” WOTAN: “Siegmund loved the wife, he embraced the sister. Twice he

violated the sacred laws of marriage.” In context of the story, Wotan is pissed about his two children hooking up. There is a lot of extra context the game doesn’t go into, so I won’t either. He doesn’t want Siegmund to die, but he has to. So he tells his daughter – a Valkyrie named Brünnhilde – to make sure he dies and not interfere on his behalf, but she knows that he loves him, and will try to interfere and save him anyways. What we’re actually seeing I find a lot more interesting. Was this

concept art they made into the cutscene from running out of time and budget? Was the animation team in a bind and Phillipe heroically drew these up last second to patch things up? The world may never know, and it’s the only cutscene in the game that’s like this. It’s also as messy as ever – they’re trying to adapt way too much into this Frankenstein of a plot. [amped up orchestra] [music culminates with a crack of thunder] [another crack of thunder] [*pew*] [todome da] [thunderous Fatality input

] ERDA: “What have you learned, my son?” A-ARGH!! ERDA: “He was in love with his own sister…” ISH: “I know.” ISH: “But that does not seem to me to be a bad thing.” No! Cut that! [hectic flipping of pages in heavy armor] [hectic flipping of pages in heavy armor] Fuck…! What the fuck…?! I don’t wanna see ISH get his Old Man War ideas, and neither should you. Sure, the art depicting the deep lore looks incredible, but, like I said before, it’s poison. The only thing we saw for sure happen was a rea

l estate deal and incest. You don’t get to give me your essay on the “real story” after seeing that, and then try to tie it into the Pfhor at Tau Ceti and Thetans and whatever else you saw in your episode that day. ERDA: “…whole armada of rebels. They called him the prophet.” ERDA: “With his small army, he fought the Four on every planet, at every available opportunity.” This could never be made today. Not with this budget. Not with this many big names behind it. “Ring” is so fascinating, but so

painful… The more I look at it, the less I understand. Brünnhilde’s story is the last, and, while I could get SOME parts of what we saw before, this section is based on near nothing, and just stuff happening. ERDA: “Yes, my child, you have returned to the crossroads of worlds.” ERDA: “There are few places like this that are shared between all civilizations, all ages and all beliefs.” I have to throw the ending forward. ERDA: “The task you are undertaking is an important one.” The task is more s

urfing, while the famous Valkyrie theme plays on loop. Not only is there less story here than in Siegmund’s section, but the puzzles here are the most Moon logic they’ve ever been. Apparently, the idea was, if you ever got stuck, you could return to the main area and start up a new story. So, if players just found “Ring” too digestible, they could play the whole thing non-linearly. Each character’s journey would be for more seasoned adventure gamers. I don’t think the term “seasoned” really conv

eys what that means. Brünnhilde’s puzzles are for Stage 4 Adventure Gamers – the kind where you come to a frozen sea, so you use your magic spirit to set a bird on fire, which will melt the whole ocean. This causes a mummy to fall into the water, and lets you retrieve the plank of wood. Which of course you can’t tell is an object. Then visit Van Darkholme and open a secret compartment to reveal this. And now you need the tiny man – disassembling him, but then making sure to grid-match the form o

f a human being. This will cause the bird to carry him away, and now you have the feather. It’s just going between rooms, clicking at random and watching Brünnhilde hang ten. In the actual story, Brünnhilde hid Sieglinde who’s pregnant, and then Wotan imprisons her. She’s already hidden Sieglinde off-screen. All this does is introduce new, more confusing forms of random shit. BRÜNNHILDE: “By my father, who are you?!” 😲 ???: “By your father?” This is a new character called Nemesis, who you kill.

He says he has a weapon born of Wotan. Alright. The puzzles aren’t even entertaining in a crazy way – they’re just a mundane kind of insanity. The most credit you can give this is that she’s sending more souls off to Valhalla. Which… isn’t good, but it’s something, until things take a turn for the batshit. Solve the infinity puzzle to unlock Brünnhilde’s… ending? CHILD: “Oh, naughty thing! You’ve been bad again!” CHILD: “Naturally, you don’t care. You won’t get the blame for this – I will.” CHI

LD: “It’s always MY fault! Really, it’s just not fair!” CHILD: “If you start that again, I’ll get a different doll!” CHILD: “Ah, there you are! It’s good what you’ve done.” CHILD: “You must go and see your father now. He’s angry at you, you know.” CHILD: “But that’s unfair too, because, deep down, this is all HIS fault. Nemeesis was right…” [*POP*] CHILD: “But that’s unfair too, because, deep down, this is all HIS fault. Nemeesis was right…” Ow, pop… BRÜNNHILDE: “I destroyed Nemesis!” CHILD: “Ah

-hahahaha! You’re so naïve!” CHILD: “You did not destroy Nemeesis – you have BECOME Nemeesis!” BRÜNNHILDE: “I don’t understand…” CHILD: “Leave that for later – not all secrets are for telling.” CHILD: “First, go and see your father. Go!” If there are any experts in the Ring Cycle, please tell me what the fuck is happening? WOTAN: “Raise your head, miserable thing! You are no longer my daughter!” WOTAN: “I exclude you from the immortal lineage forever! And forever shall you be banished from my si

ght!” BRÜNNHILDE: “Father…” Wait, if that’s the main area, and ISH is back there… what’s happening? I thought he was observing the story, but now he’s right there! Did they have to use this area for some technical reason, or is this part of the story? Well, whatever the case, this is the part we were supposed to see much earlier. Wotan imprisons her asleep in a treacherous area that only a worthy hero can get to. That whole level was completely pointless. ERDA: “What have you learned, my son?” W

e learn the Earth was destroyed, and that humans’ memories are probed for entertainment by alien masters. The story of the “Ring” is engraved into our DNA. It’s sort of like the Animus, except, instead of a person’s memories, you can just watch the entire “Nutcracker”. The point of all of this is then revealed. ERDA: “The Four have just discovered an enemy, and they need you to combat him.” ISH: “But I’m not a warrior!” ERDA: “That is not what they’re looking for. The greatest of strategists wou

ld be useless to them in the face of the threat that is fast approaching.” ISH: “So, what did they want of me?” ERDA: “They wish to restore a god to the universe, to lead their people into a battle with all the fury and determination which only faith can ignite in man.” ERDA: “Although, this god is not a phantom – he exists.” ERDA: “Or, should I say, “he WILL exist”.” ERDA: “For, you see, ISH, this god… will be you.” Okay… Your final item is receiving death. Thank you, Wotan, you won’t regret it

. ISH: “I awoke as if from a dream.” ISH: “Did I regret waking? Or was I happy to see the dream end and the better day begin? I cannot say.” ISH: “I felt as if I had reached out and touched the secrets of the universe.” I feel the same way. I feel like I saw something I shouldn’t have. However, “Ring” was a four-part opera, and this only very loosely covered the first two parts. So all they can do is just reflect on ISH being god. ISH: “I knew that the adventure would not stop here…” Mhm-m-mh… �

� ISH: “…but I was enjoying this unexpected moment of respite,” ISH: “with my eyes lost in the stars, and all my thoughts directed towards this dream of a warrior woman imprisoned by the flames.” NOISED-UP CHILD: “How funny you are…” NOISED-UP CHILD: “You play and you think that all is well – that it does not really concern you.” NOISED-UP CHILD: “But, in the end, you will all be part of my game.” [mellow end credits theme] Incomprehensible. Thank you. Is the girl on the TV the extragalactic thr

eat, and she could intrude into the story somehow? Now my headcanon is: they tried to show “Ring” to ISH, and then this thing came and infiltrated it, and just made it crazy, to try and sabotage their new god. It’s an ACTUAL crazy chamber. Even if you could perfectly follow the story, there is not a lot to come to “Ring” for. There are some cool environment designs and a few great character moments, but those are so far and few between the crazy. Most of the puzzles are deranged and without much

context to make them really worth doing. And we’re done with our best character far too early on. The game is currently not sold anywhere, and hard to run and hard to find. It’s not worth that journey. I mean, hell, it’s not even a full story! That wouldn’t be done until “Ring 2”. “Ring” got bad scores. “Ring 2’s” were even worse. People who were mixed or even liked “Ring”, hated it. Does the box spray corrosive acid on you or something? I tried a lot over the years, a friend sent a physical co

py, but I could never get it to work, and that’s fine, because some mysteries are better left unso- Oh, God… It works now… And I might not be able to get it working ever again… I’ve… gutted my PC to play and record this, and I’m not gonna do it again. I don’t wanna read comments or get emails about coming back to “Ring 2”. It has to be over. So, to hell with it! Let’s complete the Cycle and find out why even the “Ring” enjoyers hate this one. ELROND: “The Ring must be destroyed.” CREWMAN 1: “Thi

s is the first time I’ve seen him on the de~eck, he-he.” CREWMAN 1: “Hey, ISH! Do you think the warrior has already tired of his female prisoner, heh-heh-heh?” CREWMAN 2: “Hold your tongue! Do you not know who this man is?” CREWMAN 1: “Uh, he is a vassal of king Gunther, but I do not know his name.” CREWMAN 2: “ISH, you, who know better than I, tell him who our hero is that we are bringing back to the fortress of our overlord?” CREWMAN 2: “And say also who it is he went to find, and why she is b

eing kept in chains?” ISH: “This warrior, friends, is Siegfried. And the sword he carries by his side is Nothung, whose blade was forged by Wotan in Valhalla.” ISH: “But today, he is leading his beloved to her damned marriage as her page boy, yet he does not know it. Poor man.” So “Ring 2” is supposed to continue Part 3 of the Cycle, but starts with a flash-forward of Part 4, and now ISH is just… IN the story. I didn’t think Wagner could have a Basement Order, but that’s the future we live in. [

establishing music and clanking of hammer] The sound has… gotten worse. MEME: “The air! THE AIR!! Oh-oh-oh, does He think the metal will melt alone?!” Meme is back with a new voice, which makes him way more tolerable to listen to, but there’s nothing to interact with and I can’t even see my mouse pointer. It could be a graphical issue (which wouldn’t surprise me), but I think I could- Oh my God, you’re… you’re a person now?! This is a big departure from the point-and-click we had before. How the

screen is framed isn’t great though, so let me fix that. You’ll miss the item window, but that’s not worth it. Now that we can all see, what the hell am I? I’m a child in what appears to be a deep sea mechanical gimp suit. It’s like Rapture’s Big Daddy prototype – the Little Boy. It looks like he’s trapped in permanent “Dota 2” posture. It looks like your life is now spent doing tasks for Meme. I’m not sure if Alberich knows about him having the boy slave yet, but I’d bet he’d have some cracks

about it. Getting the bellows started looks like it should be an easy click-drag, but it is not. The detection for it is horrible, and it feels like trying to wrestle it over anything. After some musical forging, where you strike the hammer AFTER the note, and not ON it, the child causes a fire. MEME: “No-o! Fire, fire!” MEME: “Oh, I knew it! Why did the gentle dwarf waste his time looking after Him all these years?! Why, why, why-y, heh-ow…?!” MEME: “Well then, why is He not going to do anythin

g to put out the fire?!” MEME: “He should pick the water carrier near the pond! AND QUICKLY!” The sound in “Ring” was never great, but this feels so much like a void… There are barely any layers to the effects. I do prefer this over playing a point-and-click game. For now… [*creak-creak-creak-creak-creak-creak-creak*] The sound design is fantastic! Glad to see “Ring” come back to life! That suit is, like, the exact opposite of Enya. MEME: “He must strengthen the ceiling! He must go out and take

a trunk back from outside, close to the stumps! Quick!” Well, at least the music is pleasant, and it does seem to loop a lot more smoothly. “Ring 2” never has a literal torture chamber like the first game did. It’s still pretty unique visually, except, “Ring 2” came out in 2003. That’s five years after the original, and 3D graphics were advancing at light speed back then. And, man, they are really pulling back the camera! I guess, because it’s an open space, but you- Jesus Christ, are they gonna

open Google Earth next?! You could argue that “Ring” was very tunneled in and claustrophobic, and this is trying to make things more obvious, but you might wanna save that thought. Without a doubt, they desperately want the story to be more understood, as the menu now has SparkNotes. There’s also no mention of the galactic war or the Pfhor, so someone may have noticed that was completely insane and scrapped it entirely. But ISH is still around – just placed into the story as a narrator instead

of Charlotte Rampling, who probably had much better things to do. It’s clear Phillipe is still on board, and he’s done production design for ACTUAL performances of “Ring”. It could be he’s just a huge fan, and his concept art for “Ring 1” looks awesome. Though they did chicken out not giving Alberich that codpiece. Regardless, if you own any concept art or sketches from either of the games, they’re very valuable. It’s rare for any game to have zero redeeming qualities. There are some neat aspect

s about these games, even if it takes years off my life to play them. Getting back to it, the trip to go get wood doesn’t go well. [pompous opera music] BOYO: "A-A-AHH!!" [pompous opera music] [*ba-dunk*] [pompous opera music] [pompous opera music] The birds have freed the child from Andrew Ryan – welcome to “Ring 2”! That’s our title drop. Confused? Read the SparkNotes. This is a terrible way to tell a story! Let’s see how we do without it. I’m sure it will be just fine. I’m now a babe in the w

oods, but a different kind of babe went up that tree root. That should be a good starting point. BABE: “Ah-hah-ha-ha-ha-ha! Child, my child, come and show me how strong and handsome you are!” BABE: “Come to me, come! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!” I don’t wanna go up the tree anymore... BABE: “You do not wish to come? Do I frighten you?” BABE: “Oh, come now! I am close by, as I’ve always been!” BABE: “Come…!” “Ring 2” is taking a very weird, very French turn. I can’t see her anyways, because I don’t have the

tools to climb up. The method to do so is scattered around this huge field, and “Ring 2” has a new nasty surprise: you can only hold one item at a time. That means, if I need to combine it with another item, I’ll need to physically go there and do it right there. Otherwise, you’ll pick up the new item and leave the old one. This has “disaster” written all over it, especially with how big this area is. Thankfully, sometimes, the items do have a shine on them, which is something. But it means havi

ng the wrong item for a puzzle sends you trekking around again. For this one, you need to free a bull, so he can pull apart some branches and reveal your prize. Even with the one item restriction, this is… decent. I cut out the bull, tied the rope to a hook, put that on the bull, lured it over with the flower… I understood what I did and felt kind of satisfied getting the dagger, instead of feeling pure despair, wondering what I was witnessing. These moments were so rare in the first game, and i

t’s a good sign. [dramatic music pass] Oh-h fuck… ???: “You! Who are you to dare to rob the dead?” ???: “And with me, you would take that risk? Hah-hahahaha!” We were so close… It was so easy… Oh well, let’s see what this trusty lady has. TRUSTY LADY: “Come closer, do not be afraid! Yes, like that!” TRUSTY LADY: “Good! Tell me, do you remember me? My face? My gaze? The beating of my heart?” TRUSTY LADY: “Does none of this evoke the slightest memory?” TRUSTY LADY: “The dwarf had promised to be yo

ur tutor. I see he kept his word.” TRUSTY LADY: “But he chose to teach you the most perfect ignorance! In your soul, I can tell that he kept everything from you, even your name!” BOYO: “My name? Only Mime has a name.” BOYO: “Nothing else in the world exists, but him.” Oh, now he’s Mime? He was Meme in “Ring”, so I’m gonna keep that. I’m fairly sure it’s supposed to be Mima, but my brain is so rotted from these games I’ll never remember the names correctly ever again. Who am I gonna talk about “T

he Ring of the Nibelungen” to in real life? Who cares? Knowledge of these games is not something I take pride in. This is a CURSE. LADY: “Look, here is the border. Decide to cross it, and you will lose your certainties – that I promise you. I can see pain and anguish – death even.” It’s a redesign, but clearly Sieglinde. She says he must go out into the world and learn the truth, or forever be trapped in Plato’s meme cave. The child is Siegfried, and the entire game only follows him. So, instead

of bouncing around, we’ll have something more consistent and straightforward. Let’s cross the border into the real world. [dramatic death music] Or maybe just die… “Ring 2” has introduced some platforming. It’s one of the most pathetic jumps I’ve seen in a game. It’s not even a jump, really – it’s more like “a frolic”. I didn’t know you could condense frolicking into a single unit, but… there it is. After frolicking over the gap, now you can go into the real world. There is some drone cam foota

ge of Siegfried, and now we’re in the world. The world is a… scary place. [chittering] [dramatic death music] The first of Siegfried’s trials is getting past the spider (which is easy if you take it slow). After that, you find a strange altar, which is going to need some objects. This is where things get trickier. SIEGLINDE: “Here, Loge, god of trickery, awaits you.” SIEGLINDE: “If you know the virtues of vigilance, walk confidently towards him. He gives his gifts to those who know how to listen

to the signs.” SIEGLINDE: “Mm-hahahahahaHAHAHAHAHA-A!” [dramatic death music] SIEGLINDE: “Mm-hahahahahaHAHAHAHAHA-A!” [dramatic death music] The sign is listening for the calling of crows. A certain sound indicates the fire in the tunnel will stop for a moment and, once you figure it out, it’s pretty straightforward – though, it still takes a while. We see a statue of our old friend Loge and grab his bowl. First item down fairly painlessly. But it doesn’t go ON the altar – it just makes a new t

riangle. So it should form the same symbol on the dagger. One more to go. This one is far down a path, among a bunch of lava pools. It’s worth the jog though, because you end up getting fucking Mjolnir. This is good timing, too, because now the way back is filled with demons. You can’t use the item on them, there’s no way to fight them, and I looked in the manual, and there is an attack button, but it doesn’t do anything. All you can do is stand there and die. So I loaded up an old save, and… no

w I can rotate. Restarting the game, now I can rotate and aim and throw it. Which I thought would be it, but, playing it again for this video, you’re locked in place, and just use the attack button, and always hit the demons. This section is bugged to Hel and back, but I successfully… got rid of Mjolnir. I’m not sure about that... SIEGLINDE: “Wotan, the protector and guide of those for whom even the sun and moon does not obscure the stars in the sky.” [music rises] Oh, Christ, is that the city f

rom “Scorn”?! Well, no, because it looks too mechanical, but it’s way more horrific for me, because it has a slide puzzle. I hate slide puzzles so much… This leads to the… cavern of alchemy. Or something like that. It involves putting elements in a device and speeding up or slowing down the flow of time to age them. This also sounds like it should be awful, but it’s also not too bad. There are straightforward instructions – you just have to be careful advancing the Sands of Time. As the material

s age, Siegfried does too, and if you don’t stop the sands from falling, then he will as well. [dramatic death music] When you do it right and get a diamond, something happens. [anguished sobbing] I even brought this up again. It doesn’t help. You’re back to child form, and discover a giant air conditioner. Or maybe a big vent? Who knows… [gust of wind] ???: “You have crossed the worlds of the gods, giants and dwarves.” ???: “Now that you face the world of man, decide whether you will be a hero

or a slave there.” [*bwww*] [*dunk*] [boyo grunting with pain] This kid just keeps getting decked by fireballs. [*bwww*] ???: “Shame on you. You are nothing but a meal for rats.” The secret to this one is to throw rocks into the AC, so that the wind comes up and will deflect away his fireballs. You have to time it just before his attack has finished charging, or else you’re gonna get decked again. The wind won’t last forever, but each time you thermostat-parry him, your status in the world will

go up. ???: “Slave. Such will be your rank among men, and they will leave you the same scraps as they give their dogs.” ???: “Your days will be grey and you wife ugly, but you shall live without begging.” You have to do this six times. And, if you screw up, you go back. Is this a boss fight? I can’t tell. I didn’t think this story would take me to fighting a Stand user with an air conditioner, but here we are… Anyways, you grind your way from being a slave to the king and hero of men. [*wzoop*]

Alright. [gust of wind] Finally, we’re at the cave of crushing pillars and depressed mystical trees. [there's non-stop thumping in the background] TREE: “Your sharp blade – why use it to destroy my last refuge?” [there's non-stop thumping in the background] TREE: “My life was nothing but a dull labor. Have I not deserved the gentle torpor of the forgotten?” [there's non-stop thumping in the background] TREE: (wheeze) “I killed in the shadows for a bronze coin, a leather belt or a piece of bread.

” [there's non-stop thumping in the background] TREE: “Why has my tomb been lacerated? Did I not obey my destiny by being a faithful and subservient woman?” Boy, those thumping of the pillars are really adding a lot to this. If you’ve never lived in an apartment – this is what it’s like to watch anything. Luckily, it’s not too hard to cross it, and, really, it’s kind of weird how easy it is to get across. That’s it. [boyo screams] Ah, there it is. But I still have the dagger, which does not coun

t as an item. SPIRIT: “A warrior! It is a warrior holding a weapon bearing the sign of Wotan!” SPIRIT: “One of Wotan’s warriors, the God’s of gods –” SPIRIT: “he who denies us entry to his kingdom in Valhalla, fortress of the ásses where Fearless Warriors dine.” That’s enough of that. [*sploosh*] These waters finally morph Siegfried out of being a child. He has now digivolved into an awful fusion of Kratos and Caillou. Meanwhile… [Meme freaking out] STRANGER: “Do not fear me, creature.” STRANGER

: “I could have broken your neck if I wanted to, but I’m nothing but a simple wanderer.” Legate Lanius shows up and hassles Meme for a while. He reveals that he’s related to Siegfried, and, when the child returns, he will surely kill Meme. This goes on longer than it needs to, but you could say the same about the actual play. MEME: “He shall know fear no longer?! He shall know fear NO LONGER?!” MEME: “And he shall kill me?! He shall know fear no longer, he-ha…?!” MEME: “FEAR NO LONGER?!” I think

he’ll fear no longer. Back with Siegfried, a Panserbjørn is being harassed by several undead warriors. If you wanna know how far off the range we are, finding a bear is one of the first things that happens in the actual story. There is a “Loony Tunes” rock up here to knock over, so that makes it simple. [rumbling and crashing of the boulder] Oh… shit… UNDEAD MATADOR: “Your horns cannot pierce my soul!” [dramatic death music] The key is to adjust the stick, which can’t go too far to the left, bu

t it will work. This leaves a single skeleton, which the bear still can’t take on his own. If you’re too slow, the bear will die, but, if you go in and try to fight it yourself, the skeleton will murder you. The answer here is to lure it into the ancient, powerful… [*bzz-clank*] …big magnet. [*lick-lick*] SIEGFRIED: “H-hahahahahahaha!” Man, this is fucking weird. I’m just realizing that. ???: “Valiantly you have crossed the lands of gods, giants, dwarves, men and the dead.” ???: “Now it is only

right that you should enjoy your name and live up to it, too.” SIEGLINDE: “Here you are, a man at last! Now you can make the inheritance of your ancestors your own!” SIEGLINDE: “Find Nothung – the sword I broke on Wotan’s spear – and forge it again.” SIEGLINDE: “With it, you will become unrivaled among men, and you will herald a new age –” SIEGLINDE: “one where they may plant their banners in the firmaments of the gods!” SIEGMUND: “We, your parents, Siegmund and Sieglinde, have named you Siegfri

ed. Like us, you belong to the line of the Wälsungs.” So Siegmund has gone through one hell of a redesign too. Not to mention, we saw him die. Both his parents died. Sieglinde just died giving birth off-screen, and everyone talks about them like they’re dead, but, because things are such a mess, they’re now exposition ghosts. Go get the sword from Meme, you little weirdo. [*clank-clank-clank-clank-clank-clank-clank*] [*clank-clank-clank-clank-clank-clank-clank*] This is how a human knocks. MEME:

“No! He must leave!” 😫 MEME: “Mime can do nothing more for Him! Nothing more, nothing more!! Nothing mo-ore…” 😩 Okay, Mr. Meme, meet Bear. [*rawr-bash*] Now we’re in. You have to hunt around for the little dude, since the bear exploding through his door alarmed him, but he doesn’t have many places to hide. [*creak*] MEME: “Blargh-agh! Eugh, agh! He’s strangling His good companion! Strangling him! Ble-eh!” 🥵 MEME: “Is this his reward for the care he’s lavished on Him?!” 😫 MEME: “Washing the

swaddling clothes of all three of them, beds hewn from fresh granite and mud soup with its fleshy tadpoles?!” 😩 MEME: “Ue-egh! Is He not grateful for all that to Mime – His father and His mother at once?! Ech…!” 🥵 SIEGFRIED: “Enough, stupid dwarf.” He says he doesn’t know anything about the sword, but that’s what Bear is for. BEAR: "RA-AWR!" MEME: “WA-AGH!! Enough! Enough! He will speak, he will speak! Oh, please, stop the pain!” 😭 He still doesn’t. [Bear growling] MEME: “He will tell! He wil

l tell everything!” 😱 Meme claims he chucked the sword out in the woods. So Siegfried forces him to take him there, but, for some reason, leaves the bear behind. These games are full of bad calls. MEME: “This way! But Mime cannot really remember any longer, oh-ow!” 😩 MEME: “In any case, he does not want to go any further! Oh no, no, he will not go any further!” 😰 [malevolent laughter is heard in the distance] It’s still not clear what any of this will accomplish. Where on Earth is all of this

going? Well, time to find the sword… SIEGFRIED: “HOOOUAGH!!” [dramatic death music] It turns out, the trees are electrified, so I need to keep my distance here. SIEGFRIED: “HOOOUAGH!!” [dramatic death music] Looking around, the spiders are mechanical, and their venom can be exploited. That solves the tree problem. SIEGFRIED: "Ow!" I’m not sure what that was about, but it did the trick. Now you can crawl through and get- SIEGFRIED: “HOOOUAGH!!” [dramatic death music] [dramatic death music] Oh my

God! I don’t know what I did! It may have just spit me out at the wrong angle, so… this might do it. [dramatic death music] SIEGFRIED: “HOOOUAGH!!” [dramatic death music] What the fuck even happened that time?! And would you look at that – it was a bug after all. Now that I’m clear of the hell trees, I- Umh… [dramatic death music] Lure the spider over, it dies to the tree, and now – NOW you can finally cross. [Marv scream] Lure the spider over, it dies to the tree, and now – NOW you can finally

cross. Lure the spider over, it dies to the tree, and now – NOW you can finally cross. For some reason, I’m thinking about that death screen a lot. Is that one of the most dramatic game over screens in a video game? I’m just thankful it’s relatively brief, and not something like “Too Human”. There’s a bridge in your way that gets weirdly larger as you cross it. Or, maybe, you’re shrinking down. You could be crossing into the land of the giants, but Siegmund said you beat that already. Maybe he

doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Nobody knows what they’re talking about. At least, the door just opens without a slide puzzle… [dramatic death music] Okay… Wait for the spider to pass… Who would think there would be a sneaking section? “Ring 2” really has it all, huh? Were they just throwing everything at the wall to see what- Aw, fuck… Aw, fuck… [dramatic death music] After many trials, I get past the spider and see what’s happening. But it almost caught up with me! GIANT: “So, dwarf, wil

l you tell me about this treasure?” 🥴 Oh, thank God, it’s Alberich! Finally, a good character! We’ve been lacking the bite and power he brings, and I’m so relieved for more one-liners! ALB-EH-RICH: “It is Alberish, King of the Dwarves, whom you are addressing!” 😣 ALB-EH-RICH: “Release me, or my people will avenge me, and your filthy beasts will die of indigestion, eating the remains of your bloated and ugly corpse!” 😣 What?! NO! What happened?! They recast him? I mean, the original voice acto

r had a lot going on in this period, but… this is devastating. The Giant’s talking about his track record like the dude we know, but… he’s just not matching up to it. Besides the change in voice, his own-zoning sucks too! ALB-EH-RICH: “Hah, it was easy! They are too sure of themselves.” [💩] ALB-EH-RICH: “Hah, it was easy! They are too sure of themselves.” This isn’t the Alberich or Alberish – this is Albepoor! The giant wants the Gold, but, as we know, he no longer has it. ALBEPOOR: “No, for pi

ty’s sake! I know nothing more, I swear!” 😐 ALBEPOOR: “Have mercy on Alberish, King of the Dwarfs, Deceiver of the Rhineharlots!” 😔 ALBEPOOR: “I shall be your jester! Your clown! I will make you laugh!” 🥺 ALBEPOOR: “I will serve you – but mercy! Mercy!” 😫 ALBERICH: “And what has desire given me so far?” 😑 ALBERICH: “Merely mockery, scorn and a bitter taste in my mouth!” 😒 ALBERICH:“I thus take my leave, lighthearted – abandoning desire to fools, so that I can pursue higher ambitions!” 😈 A

LBEPOOR: (whimpers pathetically) [💩] ALBEPOOR: (whimpers pathetically) Was this a “Darkseed 2” situation? I feel like there’s a story here. Regardless, Alberich cries so hard that the spider no longer wants to eat him, because his body is covered in salt. Is this the main reason why “Ring 1” fans hated “Ring 2”? Honestly, that is so justified! The giant leaves, and now you’re free to explore. SIEGFRIED: “HOOOUAGH!!” [dramatic death music] ALBEPOOR: “Hey, you! I don’t know what you are doing her

e, but I implore you, save me from the terrible fate that awaits me!” ALBEPOOR: “I am the King of the Dwarves – if you free me, I can do many things for you! No, I can do EVERYTHING for you!” Siegfried only cares about the sword, which the fake Alberich has seen. If Siegfried gets the key and frees him from his cage, he’ll tell him where it is. Navigating around the cliff down is bizarrely perilous. You can just fall through the ground and die if the game decides it. Alberich did accidentally an

d pathetically stumble upon a spider defense. If you crawl up into a storage bin, you can cover yourself in salt. It’s also worth mentioning: even older Siegfried still has the frolic. I guess, I’ve been feeling covered in salt this whole time, huh… Well, after that, it gets trickier, like some ladders that you can’t actually climb, because they bug out sometimes. So I had to restart the game again. SIEGFRIED: “HOOOUAGH!!” [dramatic death music] I wander this room for far too long, and finally t

ake a frolic of faith, and see what I did wrong. These games will never stop surprising me… SIEGFRIED: “Tell me where the sword is.” ALBEPOOR: “In the trunk! Near the table, in there! Now, put the key in the lock and turn it!” Unfortunately, the giant is back, and Alberich is not freed. He’ll have to… talk his way out. ALBEPOOR: “You have convinced me. I shall tell you how you can seize the Gold I took from the Rhinemaidens, but you are going to have to be brave.” GIANT: “But I AM brave, ha-hah!

” 🥴 ALBEPOOR: “You will have to be… magnificent!” GIANT: “I AM magnificent!” 🥴 ALBEPOOR: “You will have to be… superb?” GIANT: “But I AM soup-!” 🍲 Alright, come on… The dwarf convinces the giant that the Gold was so bright he had to practice staring at the sun, in order to endure it. This EASILY convinces him to try. “Love me gold, simple ‘as.” 🥴 GIANT: “If you did it, then so can I. And I shall do it BETTAH!” 😤 ALBEPOOR: “No! You cannot do it!” GIANT: “Yes, I can!” 😠 ALBEPOOR: “Oh really?

Then show me!” 😑 ALBEPOOR: “Stand by the window and look at the sun as long as you can, without closing your eyes!” ALBEPOOR: “And be careful – I will be watching you!” This gets dark… ALBEPOOR: “It doesn’t hurt! Think of the Gold! THINK OF THE GO-OLD!” GIANT: “The sky is darkening, dwarf… Clouds are gathering…” 😟 ALBEPOOR: “It does not matter! Keep going!” The giant might end up needing a seeing-eye spider. I can’t imagine how the real Alberich would have handled this part, but I would have

loved to see it. Once he’s blind, it’s easy to get the sword, free the dwarf and get out. GIANT: “Alberish? Alberish?! A curse on your filthy race!” 😵 (🤬) GIANT: “Alberish! Come back!” 😵 (🤬) Nobody is hurting me. Nobody is telling me to stare at the sun. SIEGFRIED: “You do your work and re-forge my father’s sword for me.” MEME: “Gyagh-egh! He cannot do it! The gentle blacksmith cannot do it!” Yeah, fine, I’ll do it… [musical forging] [triumphant opera music] Caillou’s going to the zoo whenev

er he wants now. He demands to find a worthy opponent he could slay to become a hero. Meme directs him towards Fafner, who still has the Ring. You remember Fafner, right? FAFNER: “…and you have more than abused our patience!” Well, Fafner is now a dragon, and his lair looks fucking awesome. Why is he a dragon now? It helps him guard the Ring better. Actually, since I mentioned “Lord of the Rings” earlier, you might be wondering if this actually inspired any of Tolkien’s work. He has answered thi

s directly, saying “Both Rings were round, and there the resemblance ceased.” It’s a neat lair, and actually knowing where things were building up to is a great improvement. Though, this has come at a great loss, because now Siegfried’s death scream is gone. [grinding of stone] [*sploosh*] [grinding of stone] [dramatic death music] It also has one of the most needlessly long booby traps with the least satisfying payoff I’ve seen in a game. You cross the “don’t break the ice” tiles, and then have

to walk all the way back and wait for the spike wall to cross. [grinding of stone] [grinding of stone] Holy shit… [grinding of stone] [grinding of stone] This genuinely feels like a bit! [grinding of stone] [*kloop*] That’s the sound it makes, huh? There is an altar with a slot for a shield in the cave – not to actually fight the dragon with, but to reflect light into his eyes to wake him up. I wouldn’t call it a dragon, but it is a cool design. And, unlike some of the other overhauls, it actua

lly calls back to how he looked in “Ring 1”. It’s a fun detail. [roaring and stomping] FAFNER: “Woagh! (sniff) Human smell!” FAFNER: “Smells… (long sniff) Muagh, I sense that you are curious…” FAFNER: “And, umgh… (sniff) desire. But not for the Gold! Not the Gold!” FAFNER: “You… You are looking for something else! Eargh!” It all built up to this. [silence] [*thonk-thonk-thonk*] [silence] [*badum-creak-creak-creak*] [very reserved fire breath] There’s… no music. There are barely any sound effects

at all. [only select actions produce any sound] I did look it up – it’s not bugged. This is how it is. [the two fight in awkward silence, punctuated by sparse, understated and barely fitting sound effects] FAFNER: (wheeze) “To you, who have beaten me, I can reveal my secret.” The secret is: he has the Ring. [monster_roar.mp3] Siegfried has done it. He levels up. He does get the Ring, but that was one of the worst dragon slayings I’ve ever seen. [wanna win - shank the shin] Outside, a talking bi

rd warns Siegfried about the Ring. It knows about him, because it’s seen his life weaved by the Norns. Norns are the Norse version of the Fateweavers – we’ve seen these before. What’s more pressing is Meme coming with Detective Halligan’s own brand. MEME: “But before you leave, will you share the Sacred Mead with Mime, heh-heh?” 😌 MEME: “Will you at least show gratitude for all the care he has lavished on you?” 😡 MEME: “Will you at least show gratitude for all the care he has lavished on you?”

😌 [sippity] That’s not weird editing – it does play the sip sound before he actually sips it. [*krunk*] [dramatic death music] We’ve been seeing the Norns the whole time! Right there. So what you should do is NOT take the drink. MEME: “Enough!! Oh, I should have killed Him when He was still floating in His mother’s entrails!” 🤬 MEME: “No-o-o! No!” 😭 Abrupt. ISH: “And so Siegfried set off in search of the Hindafell Rock. That mysterious place Fafner spoke of just before his death.” Oh, right…

Ish… ISH: “And so Siegfried set off in search of the Hindafell Rock. That mysterious place Fafner spoke of just before his death.” ISH: “And so Siegfried set off in search of the Hindafell Rock. That mysterious place Fafner spoke of just before his death.” ISH: “A marvelous treasure awaited there – more rare and more intoxicating than Gold.” ISH: “Brünnhilde! The Valkyrie, beloved daughter of Wotan, the god whose authority she once ignored, and whose decree she disobeyed.” It’s a stealth sectio

n, and the camera has never been farther. There is a bit of music punishment here, since one part is way louder and more distorted than anything else. It’ll sneak up on you as it loops. [ ♪ Tru-lu-lu ♪ ] [ ♪ Tru-lu-lu ♪ ] [ ♪ TRU-LU-LU, MOTHERF- ♪ ] Ugh… It is some jank moving through these screens, and the perspective is all over the place. You auto-crouch behind certain objects, but you’re not actually HIDDEN in most of them. If you do get caught, you’ll draw a sword like you can fight, but yo

u know how this goes. [dramatic death music] It’s an odd little section, because you don’t sneak for too long. When you do use your sword, it’s to break into their storehouse and grab a bomb. It’s the day of reckoning for the pig people. [*BOOSH*] With the fence down, you could go deep into their city and penetrate the dungeon holding Brünnhilde. This part requires the fastest reflexes in the game, but it’s more jank than difficult. DARKNESS: “We’re 100% BLACK.” JSIEGRFRIED DENTON: “Me too.” Fro

lic through the traps, and you’re one step closer to Brünnhilde. I’ve gotta say, the speed of events is really picking up pace now. If you haven’t guessed it by now, this dude is Wotan in a dramatically different redesign. I mean, if you know who Odin is, you can actually recognize him now, compared to before. Here, he wants to regale Siegfried with the tale of Brünnhilde. We’ve seen it already. I would rather not relive that… So time for a new incredible fight scene. SIEGFRIED: “Do you think I

know fear?” [*swoosh-swoosh*] [utter silence] [awkward, timid steps] [*swoosh-tok, swoosh, thwack*] [*swoosh-tok*] What is going through his mind? More importantly, what music was SUPPOSED to play here? This and Fafner’s had to have had one planned, but… what happened? Again, the world may never know. It’s also not clear how to free Brünnhilde from this Giger torture coffin. If you do something incorrectly, the death timer starts, and then… [*shwop*] It’s also not clear how to free Brünnhilde fr

om this Giger torture coffin. If you do something incorrectly, the death timer starts, and then… [dramatic death music] There are some clues scattered around the room. Large statues with numbers and runic symbols. These are genuine runes, too, so they correspond to actual numbers. There are a bunch of these, and I started jotting them down on a notepad to keep track. My theory was, in the manual, there would be a key for the runes and their numbers, and this was some kind of disc protection – fi

gure out all the numbers on the statues, and they will somehow correspond to the numbers on Brünnhilde. After spending too much time trying to figure out what this could mean… it’s the Fibonacci sequence. Which, in this case, is a fancy way of saying “start with the little numbers and work your way up”. Goddamit… [uplifting orchestra] BRÜNNHILDE: "Ahh!"👄 [uplifting orchestra] She’s also not monstrous anymore! And the pig people love them. This looks like it could and should be the end, but ther

e’s still a bit to go. They cut away from this scene… for this. SIEGFRIED: “I see that a proud lineage has established its domain here.” SIEGFRIED: “But what deed has the master of this place ever performed to deserve this gold and these flags that he shamelessly puts on display?” ???: “How dare you?!” KING: “Leave, Hagen.” KING: “I know who you are, Wälsung, but your glory has passed. It does not allow you to be so condescending.” KING: “We foresaw your visit a long time ago. We raised our flag

s to honor your arrival.” SIEGFRIED: “All this pomp and circumstance is a veil to cover your fear in my presence.” We are now completely off the range. All of “Ring 2” so far has been a loose Zyprexa adaptation of Part 3 of the play, aptly called “Siegfried”. The final Part is called “Twilight of the gods”. Like the game. They are trying to put the entire final Part and large parts of Part 3 into the last 15 minutes of the game. The lack of music in some cutscenes already made it clear that time

was running short, but this is a REAL rushed job… Trying to give any context to this is absolutely meaningless. My biggest question had been “Who is “Ring” for?”, but that is dwarfed by “Who is “Ring 2” for?” It’s coming out 5 years after the original game, and not really completing the story. It’s limping over to “a” ending, and throwing elements in at random. Maybe they thought it could still sell as well as “Ring 1” somehow? I don’t know… Well, the King says you should find tears of true los

s, an object of true love and a piece of Norn thread. If he covers himself in this elixir, Charlotte Rampling will return and reveal everything to him. But it’s all a trick, because, when he fails, everyone in the court will get something they want. To find tears of true loss, Siegfried sets out to find the Rhinemaidens. HAGEN: “And the Gold! The Rhinegold! HAHAHA-HAHAHAHA!!” [Rhinemaidens sobbing inconsolably] You get tears from one maiden, but it won’t be so simple, because you need more tears

. They’re in great pain, because they were rejected by Alberich AND lost the Gold. While one sister wallows in sorrow, the other isn’t gonna take it. RHINEMAIDEN: “Find Alberish and deliver him to my angry justice!” (menacing giggle) While Siegfried hasn’t been to Nibelheim yet, but, hopefully Glug won’t be- ALBEPOOR: “Ring, Ring, beautiful Ring!” 🥰 Oh… ALBEPOOR: “Ring, Ring, beautiful Ring!” 🥰 ALBEPOOR: “Ring, Ring, beautiful Ring!” 🥰 ALBEPOOR: “It is me, Alberish! Don’t you remember?” 😟 AL

BEPOOR: “It is I who snatched you from the icy depths and the watch of the fishwoman. I, who brought you into the gaze of the creatures of the Earth!” ☺️ ALBEPOOR: “Ring, Ring, show yourself! I know you are there!” 🥺 ALBEPOOR: “Do not be afraid! Come to Alberish, King of Dwarfs!” 🤗 ALBEPOOR: “AHH!” 😱 He’s a round little man, but he moves like a panther. He’s come all the way back to the dragon’s lair, and, every time you get close to the little weirdo, he’s already gone. [*zoom*] He’s come al

l the way back to the dragon’s lair, and, every time you get close to the little weirdo, he’s already gone. You’ll never catch him normally this way, so, instead, you have to cut off his escape and catch him from the other side. [*zop*] You’ll never catch him normally this way, so, instead, you have to cut off his escape and catch him from the other side. You’ll never catch him normally this way, so, instead, you have to cut off his escape and catch him from the other side. ALBEPOOR: “I recogniz

e you! Leave me alone! LET ME GO!” 😣 [💩] Whether he’s dead or not is ambiguous. You get more tears and, man, the editing is becoming breakneck! Like, if you thought that was abrupt, check this out. KING: “Wälsu-ung! Erda now wants you to find a piece of the Norns’ thread.” There’s the Norns. There’s the Fates. You’re just… Here we are! 😅 They cannot wait for this to be over, but have put the worst puzzle yet as the final obstacle. It is a time-morphing tightrope walk. [dramatic death music] I

’m so glad to finally be here! The thing is, on paper, this shouldn’t be that bad. Each color on the strip represents time going forward or backwards or staying still. The issue is, “Ring 2” already has atrocious movement and collision detection, and I’ve already fallen through surfaces randomly. So the chance of that happening here is already a lot higher. Except, here, when you change age, the game generates a new model, which it can’t place directly on top of where you were, and will often ju

st throw you off into fucking space. [dramatic death music] Sometimes, your model won’t change – you just get the smoke and get chucked off into the void. To make it worse, every time you return, you get a narration of the King, explaining how it works… KING: “Wälsu-ung! Erda now wants you to find a piece-” [*zoop*] [dramatic death music] What the-! What the fuck happened there?! [dramatic death music] I wasn’t too old and gotten the Old line – this is the Instant Death line! KING: “Wälsu-ung! E

rda now wants you to find a piece of the Norns’ thread.” Works just fine now. KING: “You’re already heading in the right direction.” Works just fine now. KING: “You’re already heading in the right direction.” [*zoop*] [dramatic death music] KING: “Wälsu-ung!” [*zoop*] [dramatic death music] KING: “Wälsu-ung!” [dramatic death music] Finally, I get past it and meet my tormentors. The Fates actually look pretty rad, but I couldn’t appreciate that in the moment. The cries of Wälsung will follow me i

nto my grave. SIEGFRIED: “I’m son of Siegmund and Sieglinde – the last of the Wälsungs. Help me!” NORN: “Like my sisters, I am a daughter of Erda. Why would I want to help you? We have no need of you to continue our work.” None of them wanna be involved in this, which is fair, but… a problem. SIEGFRIED: “Stop breaking destinies for a moment, Cutter. You must listen to me!” NORN: “Deciding when to stop a life is not an easy task. Do not disturb my work!” This seems like an impasse. How do you def

eat the Fates? It turns out, the answer is throwing pocket sand at their seeing-eye spider and then introducing it to Nothung. NORN: “Ah! W- Whuh- What did he do?! What did he do?!” Now that they’re blinded, Siegfried finds the thread of his own fate. Where can things go from here? CREWMAN 1: “Did Siegfried manage to fool the Norns?” ISH: “Oh yes. But he was not the liar in this story – it was Hagen.” CREWMAN 2: “Siegfried in Hagen’s hands?!” Oh, Hagen! He was there for a second… CREWMAN 2: “And

what happened?!” ISH: “Siegfried returned to the court of the Gibichungens, and from his finger took the ring that Brünnhilde had given to him.” ISH: “Hagen made a potion of forgetting…” Most of our ending is ISH saying what happened off-screen. They’ll even introduce a new setting for him to show up and say more things that happened off-screen. Siegfried and Brünnhilde are now gonna marry the wrong people! Uh-oh… [*wzoosh*] FAKE ERDA: “Come closer, warrior.” FAKE ERDA: “Come closer, warrior.”

FAKE ERDA: “It is I who rule the tides of indrazil and wash the oceans over the edges of the world.” That’s not Charlotte. FAKE ERDA: “Erda, whose advice you seek.” SIEGFRIED: “Erda? I do not know that name.” Erda’s a galactic teletubby or something. Fuck it… Hagen shows up, Siegfried dies, and, after many, many painful hours, I’ve come to the ending. A funeral’s held for Siegfried, where they reuse his child model to ask who he was, and Brünnhilde ends the tale with, what else? MORE. SURFING. H

eh-heh… He-hah-hah! HE-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!! 😂 (💀) That’s it! Fuck it! Who is the TV girl? Who cares?! I would love to know the story behind how “Ring” was committed, but, until then, all I have is madness… Somewhere out there, is a diehard Wagner fan who’s probably been vomiting over themselves and screeching by now. The story summary is also useless, and mentions a… gnome? Is that a “dwarf” mistranslation, or was there a gnome? It doesn’t matter… See, last year, a lot of people said that “Anon

ymous Agony” was torture – they couldn’t wrap their brain around it and were thinking about it for weeks. Well, this was mine. This is the kind of game that sticks with me in the worst way. Like, sure, “Ring 2” was rushed and probably cheaper than the original, but, besides what they did to Alberich’s character, is it really that worse than “Ring 1”? Having played both, back-to-back, multiple times now, I don’t think so. I think, at this point, people had woken up more to how awful this genre co

uld be at points and were less forgiving. I did find “Ring 2” to be a lot more playable – it doesn’t scream for a guide like “Ring 1” does – but it never reaches the original’s highest highs or its lowest lows. I think about it so much, because, while it also has rushed-out parts, it also means something to somebody. As it is, it feels like peering at forbidden knowledge I was never meant to understand. If you made it this far, than thank you, and congratulations. I don’t know how long this vide

o will be up for. So it might need even weirder alterations than I’ve already done for it to stay up, but it might just disappear. If that happens, just chalk it up to a bad dream. Well, happy Halloween! I’ll see you next time, if I… survive to then… I can only hope that one day the “Ring” will have a proper conclusion. Nicholas Alexander: “Have [you] seen the news about the new “Marathon” game?” Yes. I’ve seen people unhappy that it’s a “Marathon Tarkov”, instead of a reboot, but I don’t know h

ow you reboot “Marathon” today and keep it for modern audience. Like, having voice acting for the videos was fun and convenient, but the fact all the characters talk through text, and even little things, like repeated symbols or formatting, can mean a whole lot. I can never see them keeping that aspect as the core of the game. Little blurbs maybe, but not your main storytelling device. For now, I’m just more curious of what they’re doing. Rom Hack: “How are the coyotes?” I haven’t seen or heard

from them since… the beginning of the year, I think? They usually come back around this time of year. Nicholas Alexander: “Favorite Halloween costume [you’ve] worn?” There was this one year I went trick-or-treating as Buzz Lightyear. And I vaguely remember other kids were crying a lot or something like that. I thought maybe somehow my costume was scary, and it turned out, whenever I was turning around, I was decking people with my wings. I don’t remember what they were made of, but… it was a dif

ferent time. Sean Wolf: “Would [you] do work on a game, whether it’s design or consulting, etc?” I’ve done a good amount of consulting now – free and paid. I should clarify this: developers like getting feedback on the GAME. Giving feedback on how you think the PROCESS should work is almost always a dipshit idea. Let’s pretend I’m a commercial airline reviewer. I say “Oh, the seats should be bigger and more comfortable, and maybe they should have seat-warmers, too, and be fancy.” “The plane shou

ld be faster, because I’ve ridden faster planes, and I know how a jet engine works.” But I don’t know how much power will be drawn or weight added by fancy seats. Fuel efficiency, can the plane even be wired that way, what will need to be removed from the plane… I don’t fucking know. “Here’s what sucked about the flight and what could be better. I’m not gonna tell you how to build a plane.” [loud screeching of metal]