15 Minutes of Standup About Divorce & Breakups | Netflix is a Joke

- And we all got divorced and now our reputation is different. (audience applauding) No one knows what to think. Hey, yeah. (upbeat music) - You know what's real? Divorce is real. Divorce... (audience laughing) Divorce is real as fuck. Divorce is so real. I got divorced in the pandemic. It happened. You know? What are you going to do? (audience member cheering) We both... (chuckles) One guy's having... (audience applauding) It's not one of those stories that you hear regularly, comedians are lik

e, "Fuck that bitch". No, it just didn't work out. You know what I mean? And it's fine. And when you're married for so long you're just used to certain things. I was dead asleep one night and I farted so hard, (audience laughing) I farted so hard I woke up ashamed, like, (gasping) Like this. And I looked over to my left and I apologized and there was nobody there. (laughing) (audience applauding) I just turned over and cried, I was like... (mimicking sobbing) But I wrote that shit down immediate

ly. I'm like, "This is hilarious". (mimicking sobbing) (audience laughing) (laughing) - She gets a gig in New York and we have a wedding in New York and I fly to meet her at the wedding and then we're going to have this like really romantic weekend together. And we go to the wedding, and I don't know if you've ever been to a wedding with the person that you're dating and you're watching the wedding being like, "Is this like, would we?", like... (audience laughing) "I mean I guess this little rin

g bearer girl's cute but we would have like a dachshund in a white tuxedo hold the rings, right?" (audience laughing) And I'm watching the vows and I'm just bawling. And then I look over at her and she's crying a lot less. (audience laughing) We go home after the wedding and she's like, "Nick, we have to talk." (audience murmuring) And I'm like, "About what, the future?". (audience laughing) And she's like, "Sort of". (audience laughing) And I'm like, "What's going on?" She's like, "I think we s

hould break up." And I'm like, "What? What do you mean, we're great?" She's like, "No, Nick, we've been talking about this." And I'm like, "We have not been talking about this." And she's like, "Well I've been talking about it with my friends." (audience laughing) And when you're getting dumped you realize, you are the last person to find out that you're getting broken up with. This person has focus grouped all of this. (audience laughing) They have work-shopped the material and now they are pre

senting you with their findings, which is that you ain't shit, bitch! (audience laughing) - I've got a good friend that has been through a divorce and I've watched her go through this and she's really doing well. She's doing great. She's quit eating bread (audience laughing) and she's doing sit-ups in the living room and she looks like a movie star and she's wants a man, she's ready to get out there and get another man. And it is on like Donkey Kong. (audience laughing) And I've sat here and wat

ched her go through this and I thought, "Oh my Lord, if I had to get out here and get a man at 57 after I've eaten all this Jello." (audience laughing) Yes. (audience laughing) It would take a thousand dollars just to groom (audience laughing) what all I've got going on. (audience laughing) I've got a toenail that doesn't look right. (audience laughing) We've got a girlfriend in our friend group and she's 58 and she loves her husband, loves him. But we were saying, "Lord, if we had to get out he

re and get a man," she said, "Okay, I think I could show somebody my left breast." (audience laughing) She said, "It still looks okay." (audience laughing) I thought, "Where is my friend going to go on dates?" Where do people go on dates in their fifties and sixties? Lord, I have not dated since the eighties, honey. I was like... (audience laughing) I want y'all to know that I can dance. I am coordinated and I'm athletic, I really am. I can bust a move. I'm not good at math. I can't do math. (au

dience laughing) But I can bust a move. But if I had to go to a club, this is how I would dance now if I had to go to a club. (audience laughing) 'Cause I don't want to jiggle. (audience laughing) - The other day I watched a thick couple in rural Illinois do a custody exchange in the parking lot of a Hobby Lobby! (audience laughing) To a Jason Derulo song. (audience laughing) And I double tapped for part two. I (audience laughing) watch these two thumbs get out of their matching cherry red F-250

s, swap kids and the dad looks at the camera like he's hosting, "American Idol," and goes, "We're divorced, but we co-parent. How do we do it?" I'm like, "Probably a court order Zeke." Double tap, part three. (audience laughing) Then I watched them each get back into their truck next to their new spouse, who, let's be honest it's the middle of nowhere America, looked identical to the melted vanilla pudding cup they left in the first place. (audience laughing) Real lateral trade if you ask me. An

d then I double tapped for part four, it was a link to their family Etsy store, I bought a bandana, shop small America. (audience applauding) - No, my parents aren't together. My parents split up when I was like 12. And then when I was 15, I found out. (chuckles) Yeah. For a good while, I had no idea. Just one day I went up to my mom, I was like, "Yo, where's dad been at?" and she looks at me like, "Oof. I knew I forgot something. Oh man." (audience laughing) And that's because growing up, I hav

e a sister and neither of us knew that he was gone. And that's because growing up, when he lived with us he didn't hang out with us at all and he was gone all the time already. So there was no real like emotional attachment to him. So it's kind of like this, it's kinda like, you know when you're at a party and you're in a conversation with like two other people and those two people are like really engaged in the conversation and you're not really contributing, so you kind of just slowly just lik

e walk out the conversation (audience laughing) and then start a new family. You ever do that? That's wild. (audience laughing) Yeah. (laughing) We still talk all the time. He just got a new job. He's currently a grade school bus driver, which is so silly to me, you know? 'Cause it's like, "Okay, you wouldn't drive this kid to school, but now you won't to drive everybody's kid to school." Okay. Fine. (audience applauding) - I say I don't want to be a mother but I wouldn't mind being like a divor

ced dad. You know? (audience laughing) I could crush that role, coming in hot at like 50% all the time. (audience laughing) Yeah. Showing up Friday afternoons with unicorn frappuccinos and then back to the Cheesecake Factory and then back to Starbucks, and then drop them off and skedaddle, Monday before shit really hits the fan. (audience applauding) I could crush that role. Or a stepfather, that's another role I would crush. Nobody expects anything from you guys. (audience laughing) - 55% of ma

rriages end in divorce. 90, 9-0 percentage of your relationships that are started before they are 30 end. If those were the stats for surgery, none of us would fucking risk it. (audience laughing) But because it's love and we're stupid, we just lie on the operating table, like, "Maybe this time I won't die inside." (audience laughing) - I'm afraid of being unsuccessful, to button up the shirt of life, miss a button on the way up, have to unbutton the shirt of life, rebutton it again. Right? To b

e older, poor, divorced, in a bar, paisley shirt, New Balance shoes. (audience laughing) Talking to young women outside of my generation about things I don't care about or know about. Looking at a 25 year old like, "Yeah, Dua Lipa slaps." (audience laughing) I think a lot of men relate to that fear. - Look at all the relationships that end because no one talks. They hate to talk. And when you don't talk, that's when a relationship ends. And you know who hates talking? Guys. (audience laughing) '

Cause women love to talk. (audience laughing) Just talk. And if you don't want to talk to her at that moment, then talk to somebody. Not everybody. Don't talk to your best friend, that's going to end the relationship too. Your best friend hated her. He's been waiting for you to break up. "You're not going to believe what she did." "Oh, I already know. You don't have to tell me shit. (audience laughing) She's always been that way, dude." (audience laughing) What kind of advice is that? "She's alw

ays been that way, dude." "I didn't even tell you." "You don't fucking need to, bro." (audience laughing) Don't listen to that guy. Get the fuck away from him. Go to someone that doesn't know you or her. Get a therapist. Pay for it. $110 for the hour. Let that doctor figure it out. Why, you'll enjoy it too. Walk into that room, every guy will enjoy that 110 buck, "Here, listen. Listen to what this bitch did." (audience laughing) - So my wife, she wanted to go visit her parents one weekend and he

r parents are divorced. And, which has been hardest on me, to be honest. That's something people don't talk about, you know? When you marry into divorce. I mean, they divorced because of her, not me, so why do I have to go to 50 different houses? (audience laughing) - Fricking love Hooters. My dad usually was the one that suggested we go there. I don't know how he and my mom ended up divorced. (audience laughing) It's a mystery. But my entire family loved eating at Hooters. Even my mom liked eat

ing at Hooters, because you could buy a wheelbarrow of wings for $4. She's like, "Everybody's rich at Hooters." (audience laughing) However, she wasn't always willing to admit that she liked Hooters. After my parents divorced, my mom started dating a very conservative, very religious man. The kind of man who stayed through an entire sermon and didn't leave to go to Chili's, (audience laughing) let alone Hooters. To him, everything was a sin. So one night we were trying to figure out where to go

eat and out of habit I just go, "Oh, well let's just go to Hooters." And my mom stiffens up. (audience laughing) 'Cause her man friend's right there. (audience laughing) And she says, "I have never (audience laughing) eaten at Hooters." (audience laughing) I go, "What are you talking about? I have been to Hooters my entire life." "Not with me. I have never been to Hooters." I'm like, "You recruited my babysitter at a Hooters." (audience laughing) - No, my husband, he is, he is a much nicer perso

n than me. This is how you know. His ex-wife, they were married for 10 years, she cheated for the last two years of their marriage, right? And she never worked, which makes me so fucking mad. She, yeah, never worked, he just paid for her to get multiple master's degrees in the French horn. I was like, "Wait, what?" I was like, "This bitch looks like Edward James Olmos, she got to sit home, fucking tooting her French horn, eating snacks. I'm over here pedaling my fucking wiener jokes from town to

town. (audience laughing) What kind of fucking bull shit is this?" (audience laughing) So I was furious, right? And this is the kicker, right? She cheated with a dude who plays, it's like a, I think it's called a santur, it's like a Persian xylophone. I was like, "You got cheated on with a dude that plays the dinky donks, that's fucking hilarious." (audience laughing) I'm like, "That's an unfuckable instrument. The French horn and the xylophone, there is nothing less fuckable, unless he played

the spoons on his mouth, nothing else." And here's the kicker, right? Here's the kicker. So because she never worked, the guy she cheated with lived in Iran. So without my husband's knowledge, he was paying for her flights to go fuck this dude. (audience groaning) Yeah, that's what I said. I was like, "Well, what'd you do when you found out?" I was like, "Did you wrap that fucking French horn around her neck?" I was like, "Did you set her shit on fire?" And he got scared, 'cause he could see the

instability in my eyes. (audience laughing) He did. He was like, "Oh God, no. Why? Why? April, why would I do that? Why?" He's like, "I knew that would hurt me a lot more than it would hurt her." He's like, "And I just want to have a peaceful separation. I knew the relationship was over. I just wanted to be amicable and go our separate ways." And I was like, "Oh. (audience laughing) Okay. (audience laughing) Well just so you know, if you ever cheat on me (audience laughing) I'm going to put a b

omb making pamphlet and a few lug nuts in your backpack. (audience laughing) Yeah. Send you off to the airport. Good luck at immigration." (audience laughing) - If you find the right person, of course, and lower your expectations of what you're going to get out of it, you'll be very happily married. And I don't mean to demean it, when I say lower your expectations, I really don't. I think that's why people get divorced, I think they have too high of an expectation of what they're going to get ou

t of this one relationship. Eh, it's not that much. (audience laughing) Don't put so much pressure on it. And keep your eyes open when you're going into it in the first place. Don't be dumb about it. You got to be smart, you know? I have a friend that's thinking about getting married. He's so dumb the way he's talking, he's a moron. Yeah, he's been with the girl for five years and these things he talks about, "Oh yeah, she's nice. You know, her family's pretty cool. You know, she's smart, but I

don't know if she's hot enough. I don't know. Yeah...". Talking about getting married, is she hot enough? Are you high? (audience laughing) Hot enough? You're talking about getting married for the rest of your life, you don't care about hot, you don't marry hot. You marry strong. You don't want a supermodel. You want someone who can pick up the other end of the couch. (audience laughing) (upbeat music) (upbeat music fading out)