379: Summer Songs, Family Traditions, and Trouble with a Full Cup of Coffee

(upbeat bouncy music) - Hello, and welcome to Happier, a podcast where we discuss cutting-edge science, the wisdom of the ages, the lessons from popular culture, and our own experiences about how to be happier. This week, we'll talk about why we're choosing a Summer song and we're doing a second deep dive into family traditions. It's that these are so interesting. Like we didn't have time to do them all in a previous episode. I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits in hum

an nature. I'm in New York City, my little home office, and joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister, the Sage. - That's me, Elizabeth Craft, a TV writer and producer living in LA. And, Gretch, if I am a Sage, you're my Guru. - Okay, (chuckles) the Sage in the Guru. I love it. - Yeah. - Elizabeth, you have some very big news from the world of Fantasy Island. Tell everybody what's going on. - Yes, so, Gretchen, I probably announced on this podcast that we were to premiere May 31st, our seco

nd season of Fantasy Island but we got the news that Fox, our network, is so happy with the show, they're moving it, really saving it to the regular schedule. So, Summer schedule is always a little bit different. It's a little more summery. There aren't as many viewers. They don't advertise it quite as much because the expectations are lower, but Fantasy Island Season Two has turned out so well, if I might say, they decided, hey, we want this on our regular schedule. So, we don't know yet when w

e're gonna premiere, we're still waiting. They're still deciding but it is a huge deal. It's great just for our whole cast and crew and the writers, it's a big compliment to the show. So, we're super excited. Although, of course, we were excited also that it was gonna air soon. It's worth the wait to have more eyeballs on the show and more advertising. So, that's our big news. - Yes, I had marked my calendar from May 31st. So, I had to go in and take that out. And if you wanna hear more about th

e Hollywood deep theory of this move, you and Sarah talk about that in the Happier in Hollywood Episode 262 about the whole philosophy of scheduling, which is very interesting. - Yes. - So, congratulations. That's wonderful, to everybody in the Fantasy Island. - Thank you, thank you, thank you. - It's nice to just get good news. (laughs) - It really is. - You don't have to do any extra work. It's just no, yeah. - No. - But we still have to finish everything on the same schedule, so- - Yeah, yeah

, yeah, so it's a morale boost. - Just too bad, yeah, huge morale boost. - And we got some responses from listeners to highlight from a few previous episode's conversations. - Yes, this comes from Phina. She says, "I listened with interest to Rebecca's question about how to get her questioner sweetheart to tackle administrative tasks in episode 376. My dad is a questioner who tips to rebel. He responds with a strong spirit of resistance to any nagging/suggestions from my mom, an obliger, or real

ly anyone. I agree wholeheartedly with your advice to always question why you're trying to get anyone to do anything else. The only person you can change is yourself. The only real exception would be in a very serious situation, like the one, my mom found herself in with my dad. He was having mild intermittent chest pains and was not responding to my mom's pleads for him to go to the doctor. She finally had enough. He walked into the living room one morning and my mom said, "Joe, if you don't go

to the doctor, I'm calling the children." (Gretchen laughs) My dad paused, quickly weighed his options, and responded, "Okay, well, my dad shaves under reminders or encouragement from my mom, both he and my mom knew he would be unable to withstand a determined campaign from his four beloved daughters. He caved without missing a beat and went to the doctor. I only heard the story after the fact. Again, I would only recommend this for serious issues." And then, she adds that it was nothing seriou

s and her dad made some lifestyle and medication adjustments. "My mom, dad, my three sisters, and I were happy he went." - So, I thought that was very funny where, and again, if you don't know about the four tendencies what we're talking about, you can take the quiz at gretchenrubin.com/fourtendencies. But this is a great example of you have to create different forms of strategies depending on different people's attitudes and habits. And so, you have to think about, okay, well, what's gonna conv

ince my dad. (chuckles) It's like- - Yeah, yeah. And four nagging daughters is the trick. - Right, right, and then we've got this really fun email about, or somewhat successful, not entirely successful attempts to go complaint-free. (chuckles) - Yes, this comes from Mickey. "Many years ago, I worked in a public utility's office which involved dealing with the public for the large majority of my day. I and my coworker who sat directly across from me, found ourselves becoming more and more down mo

st days. We couldn't exactly put our finger on why it was happening to both of us and label it as burnout. I don't remember exactly how, but I had a lightning bolt moment when I realized that we were both being extremely negative even as our resting norm. And so, I talked it over with her, and we decided to make an effort to not be negative in our words with our customers or toward each other. This was years before The Four Tendencies framework made its way into the world. But I know 100% now th

at my coworker was a rebel and she especially struggled with the challenge we had set for ourselves, moreover becoming even more negative with me when I would call her out on it, as we had agreed beforehand to do. Luckily, we came up with a solution that was motivation for both of us. In our off-time, we both enjoyed scrap booking and we both were looking forward to an upcoming planned trip to a Scrap Booking Supplies Convention. We each set up a sealed donation box on our desks. And for the nex

t two months, when one of us caught the other being negative, the offender was required to make a quarter donation to the other's box, which we opened, once we arrived at the expo. Neither of us had a lot of extra money for this trip. So, we definitely did not wanna be giving what little we had to the other to spend. This solution made it more like a game and we loved calling each other out on our shortcomings, with a friendly, "That comment just cost you some embellishments," or "I think you ne

ed to buy me a new sheet of paper." We were both shocked at how quickly we became more positive and definitely became more aware of the attitude we were putting out there into the world even outside of work. We also have found a lot of laughter in our efforts to creatively address a situation without negativity. As an added bonus, we were both pleasantly surprised when we opened our boxes and each found a $50 bill with a posted attached from our supervisor stating he was impressed with our effor

ts to make our work environment a better place and hoped we enjoyed our trip. It was then that we realized that our effort had truly worked, not just for our negativity, but our attitude toward our job, and the people around us were obviously noticing a change too. What a story, Gretchen, oh, my God, I love this. - I know, I love the supervisor. I love the gamifying it and like how that can help a rubble deal with it. I love the way of changing the kind of scolding. Like you were negative into t

he like, "Ha-ha, I get an embellishment." - Yeah, Using humor. - Using humor, using whimsy. Tying it to something fun like the conference. Tackling this with a friend. I mean, changing the workplace, changing your personal life. It is such an elegant, fun, happy solution. I love even thinking about the box, the donation box. (Gretchen giggles) - Yes, it makes me happy just to read this letter. - I know it really does. I love a great solution. So, thank you for that, Mickey. And now for the Try T

his at Home. Our Try This at Home, like, you know, keeping in this lighthearted fun spirit is to choose a Summer song. And this can either be, you're looking for like, what is the song of the Summer? Or you can choose your own song to mark this particular Summer, this Summer of 2022. We were partly inspired just because, Elizabeth, on the last More Happier episode, we talked about the Nostalgia Machine, this super fun site where you can enter a year and it pulls up a screen filled with all the t

op songs. And a lot of times, you can also watch the music videos associated with them. And it's just super fun to pick like the year you graduated from High School or College, or any year that sticks out to you, and remember all the songs that you were listening to at that time. And so, this is a way to focus it on the Summer. - Yeah, I mean usually, Gretchen, every summer there's just one song that's huge, right? - Yeah, yeah. - Like in 2019, Gretchen, I remember the song was "Old Town Road",

which was a Lil NAS X song that featured Billy Ray Cyrus. And it was like, that was the Summer song. And there's always that one song. And what I love is when you hear it then later, it just brings to life that feeling. And that's the thing, I think, is we really wanna connect with, is to sort of saying, "This is this time, this is happening now." Partly to enjoy it in the moment. So, we're really like, ooh, this is the song of the summer, but then also in the future, so that you really have cre

ated that conscious link. And so, that it really is a nostalgia machine. And it really does help you reconnect like, "Oh, that's the summer when we went to the beach all the time," or "That was the summer when it rained so much," or "That was the summer when we had a dance party," or there's just a lot of ways that it can help us connect with memories because I have such a bad memory for everything in my own life. I'm always looking for these ways to try to make memories more concrete and more a

ccessible. - Yeah, and then it's fun during the summer. If you choose a song, well, then it's fun to look for the song and say, "Is this it, is this the summer song?" Or if you choose it, it's fun then to play it. When you're in the car, even if you're driving your kid to Day Camp or going to work to play your Summer song. It kind of goes with Design Your Summer, like make summer special. - Now, I don't know what the big new song is gonna be for this Summer but for me personally, the song of the

Summer is gonna be, "I've Got a Feeling". Elizabeth, after watching the Get Back documentary, and just hearing them play that song, it got me just realizing how much I love that song. That's my song for the Summer. - Yes, and that's the Beatles Get Back documentary, which we have been talking about so much. The funny thing Gretchen is, and this is our sister connection, out of all the songs of the decades, I also picked, "I've got a feeling". - You did? - Yes. (chuckles) - That's bonkers! (laug

hs) - Now, granted, you and I have been talking a lot about how much we love that song. But, yeah, no, as soon as we said we were gonna pick a Summer song, I'm like, "Oh, that's my song, it's so happy. It makes me feel so good, it's so brilliant." So, we have the same Summer song, but that'll help us remember it even more. It'll help us connect it to the Summer. - No, it'll be that focus on a particular song, identifying it, registering it, listening to it. It'll help us remember for the rest of

our lives. This was the Summer of 2022 because music can do so much to bring back memories in an atmosphere of time. It really helps tie us to our memories. - Yes. - So, let us know if you do try this at home and how choosing a Summer song works for you, and what song are you choosing? Let us know on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. Drop us at email at podcast@gretchenrubin.com, or go to happiercast.com/379. This is Episode 379, for everything related to this episode. - Coming up, we have a Gradua

tion Gift Happiness Hack, but first this break. Okay, Gretchen, it is time for this week's Happiness Hack. We have a lot of graduates out there. I'm seeing a lot of pictures and caps and gowns, and we have a Graduation Gift Hack. - Yeah, so this is if you need an idea for a good graduation gift, whether it's from High School or College, or Grad School, or whatever, this is a time of self-reflection. I know that, especially from my daughter, Eliza, who recently graduated from College and is going

through massive self-reflection as one does. And it is my Know Yourself Better Journal, if I do say so myself. Because really, and I'm holding it up for everyone on YouTube, and I'll post a picture of it in the show notes. Because as we talk about often, the better we know ourselves, the better we can shape our life to reflect our own values, our own temperament, our own nature, but it can be really hard to know ourselves strangely, because you think I just hang out with myself all day long, ho

w hard can it be to know myself? And yet it can be really challenging to know ourselves. So, this has a lot of questions that are aimed at helping you identify and notice things about yourself that are useful, that you can sort of put into practice as you're thinking about what you wanna do in the future and go forward. So, and it's about self-discovery that you can put into action. - Yeah, and how great to have that. Gretchen, to, you know, 20 years later look back on and see where you were upo

n your graduation. - Absolutely, be the greatest keepsake, right, because it would be such a time capsule of that time. So you, if you wanna check it out, you can go to happiercast.com/shop, or I'll put a link to it in the show notes as well. And congratulations to all the graduates. It's really fun here in New York City. You see people all over Central Park and in the Subway, and walking down the street all in their regalia. And it just, it really makes this time of year feel very special and f

un. - Yeah, there's nothing like it. - Yeah, and now for our second deep dive into family traditions, Elizabeth, I don't think we've ever done a double deep dive, so- - I know, there's just so many good ideas, we didn't wanna leave any out. - Yeah, because back in Episode 376, a listener with a new baby asked for suggestions for family traditions and rituals that she could start with her family. And then, we talked about in Episode 378, but we have even more. And one of the things I really love

about all these suggestions, Elizabeth, is when we look at them, most of them are like, they don't cost any money and they don't take much time or energy, which is what I like because I think sometimes you feel like, oh, it's gonna be such a big burden. - Yeah. - I'm sure it'll be fun but it's gonna take so much like organization and planning and errands and stuff. And a lot of these really are. It's just thinking of it. And maybe buying something one time to sort of have some kind of special it

em. So, they're very realistic and manageable. - Yes, this one comes from Andrea. She says, "Swear walks, definitely not for everyone but on one section of our walking routes, my kids, eight and 10, are allowed to say one swear word out loud. It usually ends up, and us talking about what it means and what we think of it. I mean, that's just so fun." - I know, it's definitely not for everyone but it's interesting to think about. Nancy wrote, "One of our favorites began several years ago when our

grandchildren were quite young. We played Bingo after Thanksgiving dinner. I buy several small gifts and food items, $5 to $,10 that would appeal to a wide variety of ages and interests. I'm always surprised at the choices of prizes that are made. Our younger grandchildren think that this is something every family does on Thanksgiving." (chuckles) But, Elizabeth, this reminds me of how we, on family reunions, a couple of times we played Bingo, and our father was the ringmaster, the master of cer

emonies. And he was so amazing. People would talk about it for months. Like how funny he was and how he just got everybody like so into the Bingo. - Yes, Dad missed his calling as a Bingo master. He really was into it. It was so fantastic. And we had the same thing, the prizes, and it got extremely competitive. I mean it's so much fun. - A lot of fun. - And it is a great, it's something people of lots of ages can enjoy, and that's really important obviously, when you have a lot of generations co

ming together. Wonderful. - Yes. And, Gretchen, you and I looked it up and you can very easily, order a Bingo game set and have the spinner and all of that. So, it's super fun. - Yeah. - And then this comes from Kathy. She says, "Red plate. I use a red plate to celebrate events in our family. Birthdays, or great job on school assignments, et cetera. It is even given belatedly sometimes, as we are now empty-nesters, so we may celebrate an accomplishment later on when we are all together." Well, t

hat's easy and fun and cute. - Yeah, it is, that's really lovely. Margot says, "Since they were babies, I've been buying my children a unique ornament for Christmas. Typically, the ornaments will mark a notable achievement or memory or it will represent something they were really into at the time. An example would be when my daughter earned her Black Belt. I got her an ornament of a girl with a Black Belt. Now, that my daughters are almost grown, they each have at least 18 ornaments. When my old

est moved into her first apartment, I gave them to her as a housewarming gift. I can't explain how special it felt to give her that gift." Well, this sounds familiar to us, Elizabeth. - Yes, it does. Our mother did this and still does, Gretchen. We still get an ornament every year. We get to pick it ourselves and our children also get an ornament. So, we have so many special ornaments. It's such a big thing in our family. I can't talk about this without mentioning, when my collection remember, w

as lost for 15 years. - Yes, it was like a family disaster. It was like, we would talk about it all the time. - Yes. - How did it happen? Did it get thrown away when you moved? They're so light, did people just think it was full of tissue paper? - yes. - Ugh. - And then, mom had realized she had packed up the ornaments just like this woman did to give me when Adam and I moved into her house, and had never sent them. And then, they were cleaning out the storage garage and there they were all neat

ly packed together, so- - It was a Christmas miracle. (giggles) - Christmas miracle, now I get even more joy from those ornaments than I would have, had they not been missing for so long? - Yeah, no, it's a wonderful tradition. Janie said, "I've had this idea for some time now, but this year we decided to do it. Dinner and a documentary. Every Wednesday, we eat dinner in front of the TV and watch a documentary together as a family. Each member of our family with kids who are 4, 7, 14, and 16, ta

ke turns each week, choosing what we watch, and we've seen a great variety. There are so many options On Demand on Netflix, Prime, Hulu, Disney+, Discovery+, and YouTube. Some maybe 20 minutes, others are longer movies. We get time together and a shared knowledge. Even my four-year-old is retaining information. We do takeouts on these nights also. One family member chooses both dinner and documentary" So fun! - That's fun, yeah. Love that, then you can talk about it afterward. - Yeah. Yeah, yeah

. And it's a way to learn something and have fun, and kind of have a night of dinner in front of the TV, which feels very impulse. - Yes, Jennifer says, "We eat a breakfast dinner of pancakes and bacon the night before the first day of school every year." - That's fun, I mean, breakfast for dinner like any time. That, to me, is a great, throw that thing in all the time. Erica says, "Instead of buying individual gifts for each adult, sibling, and parent at Christmas, several years ago, we decided

to instead make a meaningful donation to a worthy nonprofit organization, and we give each family a Giving Tree ornament to display each Christmas memorializing that year's donation. For example, in 2020, we made a donation to a local organization that supports the Unhoused Population. And we gifted each family an ornament with a house on it, reading, '2020, the year we stayed home,' so that kind of had a double meaning. And last year, we received an adorable avocado ornament that commemorated

my brother's family's donation to a local food bank. We love adding ornaments each year to our Giving Tree, which is a smaller, separate tree, we put up in our family room and remember what donation each ornament represents at Christmas time." Well, and also, even if you don't celebrate Christmas, you could maybe tie this to the New Year, or whatever holiday would be, you would want, and you could just have a tree, that's your Giving Tree. And it would still serve that same function. So, I think

this is a really lovely way to identify family values, put your values into the world and then, and turn it into like a really fun memory. - Yes, "To celebrate birthdays in our family, we always place number candles on the cake. Photos show the birthday family member and the candles, and define how old they are." So, that's nice because you can instantly go, "Oh, that was your seventh birthday," that makes sense. - I tried to get my kids to like hold up their fingers or to have a sign in it but

you don't always remember. And it is frustrating because years later you're like, "Oh, what birthday was that?" I thought this was a very elegant solution. - Yes. - Sarah said, "Seven years ago, my husband was gonna be out of town for his birthday. I bought him one of those really nice elaborate birthday cards and snuck it into a suitcase. After his trip, he brought the card home and set it on his bedside table. I thought the card was so nice I didn't wanna throw it away but I also didn't wanna

save it and have a big drawer full of old cards," I sympathize. "That is how it started. I save the card, but now every year on his birthday, we get it out and write a little note on the card with the year, and how we celebrated his birthday. Luckily it had those extra blank sides that some cards do. We've started this tradition with other family events. Anniversary cards, Mother's Day, Father's Day. Now, on the special day, the other families get out the card, sign it, and give it to the perso

n. Then we all read the new note and everyone likes looking back at the past year's notes. We can see where we were on that holiday, and see my children's handwriting develop over the years from scratch marks to now neat little handwriting. My husband recently commented how he likes this tradition because not only does it save a couple of bucks to not buy a new card, it saves time by not making a trip to the store and choosing a new card all the time." And then of course you're creating a keepsa

ke instead of having something that is just sort of this evanescent thing that comes and goes, like you're really building a family keepsake. I think that's a wonderful idea. - So good, and then, Gretchen, Sarah sent us a reminder. She said, "Trust that things will come up organically. There might be things you do as a family or with your child that are amazing once but tune in to your own intuition and your child's comments. Notice what moments really foster a feeling of love and connection. An

d your kid will probably latch onto a few things, and suggest doing them again in the future. Throw spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks, and don't take it personally if a few of your ideas don't really resonate with your family." - A good reminder. (chuckles) Listen, people don't always join in enthusiastically. - Yes, as we know. - Yeah, and if you want even more ideas, Rebecca suggests a book called The Book of New Family Traditions, How to Create Great Rituals for Holidays and Every Day

, by Meg Cox." She also says that the book makes a great baby shower gift. - Hmm, yes, coming up. I'm giving myself a Fantasy Island-related Gold star. More about Fantasy Island, Gretch, but first this break. Okay, Gretchen, it is time for demerits and Gold stars, and you are up with a Happiness Demerit. It is something you know that you've done before and you know, better, but you did it again. - Absolutely, like this is exactly what a demerit is for. It is something that I knew perfectly well

that I should not do it. I went into it consciously, did it, and almost paid the price. So, I had a very full cup of coffee. I like to drink a lot of coffee in the morning, and I had filled my cup two full that I was like, I can handle it, I want it. I want every drop. And so, I carefully carried it into my office, and I was walking towards my desk and I was, had the cup of coffee that was full almost to the brim, right over my keyboard. And I was like, this is not a good idea. And I know that i

t's not a good idea because several years ago when I was working on my laptop, I spilled coffee on it. And it like completely destroyed my laptop. First, my A went, then my AS went, and slowly, I started losing all the letters, and I just, it was like this huge nightmares that's like seared into my brain. So, I absolutely know better and yes, I did. I had it right by my keyboard and sure enough, you never think it's gonna happen. But somehow, I jogged my elbow and I splash coffee. Fortunately, m

y keyboard was just slightly off-center. - Hmm. - And so, it was fine. I just hit the desk below the keyboard. And so, it was a narrow escape but it taught me a valuable lesson which is, you think you're not gonna do it, but you do. - You're gonna do it. I had the same thing happen to me with pills spilling into my bathroom sink. It's like, I know don't allot my pills for the week by the bathroom sink because inevitably, I drop a bottle and then the pills get wet. And then, I have to dry them wi

th a paper towel and it's a whole thing and they're never the same. And yet, I do it over and over again. And each time I'm thinking, there's no way I'll drop these in the sink, so I hear you. - Okay, so now hopefully, again, by officially giving myself the giant D demerit, I hope that I will. And same for you with the pills. We've learned our lesson, let's not learn it again. Okay, take us out, Gold star. - All right, Gretchen, I am giving a Gold star to Sarah and me because we turned in our la

st script of Season Two of Fantasy Island yesterday. - Yay, yes. - Yay, we have 13 episodes and yesterday, we handed in Number 13 and, oh, my gosh, it feels so good. I'm very proud of us. It was a very long script. We had to cut 19 pages out of it before we turned it in, which we have never done before. - Wow. - Anyway, you know, I'm very proud of us and haven't gotten notes on it yet. It's not like it's done, but this is, you know how it is when you get that first big draft done, you've hit a m

ilestone, so- - Yeah, well, and for people who don't really know how the show works, now, there will be significantly lighter workload. It's still super intense and it's kind of all the time but the kind of just the grinding. The weight does lift significantly at this point. - Yes, it means we have different parts of our work and this ends with the biggest part of it. So, now we do a post and we're still in production but not having those scripts out there, just like an oncoming train, is a huge

mental load off, so. And I think it's a great episode on top of that. - Well, Gold star to you. - Thank you. - Yeah, to both of you. To everyone at Fantasy Island, I know people, everybody has been working so hard this year. - Great cast and crew and writers, so- - Excellent, resources for this week. I mentioned the Know Yourself Better Journals for Graduates, but I'm creating two more Know Yourself Journals because people seem to love the Know Yourself Better approach. And these have thought-p

rovoking props. One is for embracing change. And the other is about building connections. How to know yourself better to manage those two challenges. And this is just for the podcast listeners. You can get 15% off. When you pre-order use the code HAPPIERPRE15 at checkout. And I'll put all this stuff in the show notes. And that offer ends May 31st, at 11:59 PM, Pacific time. If you wanna go, it's happiercast.com/journals. But, again, I'll put all this in the show notes, and summer's approaching,

the school year is winding down. And so, again, we love our proverbs of the professions from teachers. There's so much wisdom from teachers. So, if you want to download that, the PDF that gathers up all the proverbs from teachers that we put together, you can go to gretchenrubin.com/resources, and it's under podcast resources. And these are for teachers but this is basically for everybody. They're widely applicable. (chuckles) And what are we reading, Elizabeth, what are you reading? - I am read

ing One of Us is Dead by Jeneva Rose. - And I am just about to start To Siri With Love, a mother, her autistic son, and the kindness of machines by Judith Newman. And that's it for this episode of Happier. Remember to try this at home, choose a Summer song. Let us know if you tried it and if it worked for you, and what song did you choose? - Thank you to our executive producer, Chuck Reed, and everyone at Cadence 13. Get in touch, Gretchen's on Twitter at Gretchen Rubin, and I'm at Elizabeth Cra

ft. Our email address is podcast@gretchenrubin.com. - And this time, I don't even think I'm gonna say that you should rate Review or follow us. So, I'm just gonna skip that part. (laughs) - Okay, until next week, I'm Elizabeth Craft. - And I'm Gretchen Rubin. Thanks for joining us, onward and upward. - Yeah, I remember you two. We saw you two in Paris together. Chuck, you were probably there for that one. - I was there with them. - Were you there, Chuck? - I don't know which year it was. - With

the Hippodrome. Well, was it Joshua Tree? - I was on that tour, The Joshua Tree tour. The original Joshua Tree tour, right? Not like if he was not 30, how about that? - Wow. - I think I might have a picture. - With the Hippodrome? - Yeah, in the '80s, yeah, late '80s? - Yeah. - Late '80s, yeah. - Yeah, yeah. - Well, yeah, yeah, late '80s. Exactly, exactly. - Wow. - See, and we remember it forever, Gretch. - Thanks so much for watching the podcast here on YouTube. If you enjoyed it, please hit Su

bscribe right below the video, it really helps our channel. Thanks so much, and enjoy the show (logo theme music) From the Onward Projects.