[Music] [Music] comedy tonight from the shrine Exposition Center in Los Angeles it's the fifth annual American Comedy Awards I'm you want to send the smutr I want you yes snap out of it will you I'll be a man I am a real person well I'm not trying to land him I'm just using him for sex life is good hey ludicrous that's a pretty big [Music] wife just lose some stuff what the [ __ ] is going on down there men are pigs right women oh no wait a minute everybody's a winner oh [Music] a ladies and gen
tlemen Miss beatric [Music] [Applause] Ary good evening and welcome to the fifth annual American Comedy Awards whoever dreamed it would get this far for five years I have pursued the Hopeless quest of trying to bring some taste some class some dignity to this otherwise shabby event and I have failed miserably however tonight there is a faint glimmer of hope because with me here to present the very first award is a talented young actor who in a very few short years has made a name for himself in
our beloved Show Business Mr jalile [Music] [Applause] [Music] white good evening Miss Authur good evening Mr White now of course your credits are pretty impressive but many people know you best from your current role in uh Family Matters uh as Urkel the nerd yes and hi B want to dance ladies and gentlemen here is the reason that ABC's stock soared 12 points in the last quarter tonight you'll be seeing the biggest stars of rock and roll rap in TV wait wait wait wait I think you forgot to take yo
ur nap today this is not the Music Awards this is the Comedy Awards yeah but every show Award Show Must start with a dance number so come on get funky get down get down I never get down because I I might never get up well here miss author take these glasses they might help yeah now don't you feel cool no I feel like Bernard Shaw well crank up the music it's time to do the oracle bring out the UR remember you're dealing with an Asian white woman here twoo now if you want to do the Steve CLE Dance
all you have to do is Hitch up your pants Bing your knees and stick out your pelvis I'm telling you baby it's a better [Music] [Applause] than [Music] now Point your fingers up to the side and HP through your nose way up high Spin and dip and jump back aboard and finish it off as a laugh and [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] every the do the a do the do the AR do the AR get away [Music] everybody am MC Hammer try to touch that now in the category funniest female performer in a television sp
ecial the nominees are from comic relief 4 name I Trump and I'm the only check Donald ever bounced from six ladies laughing Andrea Martin these are some words that I learned from a yogi Master uh or maybe it was on back of a Weight Watchers low sodium fish meal whatever it was from catops and stuff Paula Poundstone I checked in a hotel the other day and the one behind the count said to me do you have a floor preference I go yeah I would like a floor from Evening With Friends of the environment L
ily Tom I was a compulsive Shopper the worst kind I would buy anything on the Shelf at eye level I would even buy day old bread and fresh bread the same day from the tonight Show's 28th anniversary Kirsty Allen and the winner is Lily Tomlin and an evening with friend in the [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] environment thank you boy you're you're really a cutie thank well thanks a lot uh this award is not for me it's for Mrs Beasley an
d I know how thrilled she will be to receive it she's uh somewhere on a freeway here trying to get here in an electric car she's going to be dismayed to see how this is made out of polyurethane but thank you all tonight the fifth annual American Comedy Awards is brought to you by Sun Chips multi grain snacks good things happen when the sun comes out and by Dodge for performance quality safety and value welcome home [Music] America ladies and gentlemen this Shelly [Applause] [Music] La thank you
I truly appreciate being asked to be a presenter at the fifth annual American Comedy Awards I've always felt that comedy is one of the most distinguished of all art forms although I've been privileged to work primarily as a comedy actor I've always stood proudly in admiration of the men and women who work as Comedians and I would like to speak to them how disheartening it is to occasionally hear your detractors describe some of you as common crass uneducated they don't see see comedians like I d
o cerebral that means smart and um and they don't see how clever you are you know one moment poking fun at the rich and the next moment poking fun at the downtrodden that means poor but your desire for buffoonery and bombast comedy conceits and conundrums jundi and profundities fill me with anwe you're on your own with that [Applause] one okay in the category of funniest actor in Emotion picture lead the nominees are from the Freshman Marlon Brando you ever try tralian coffee no would you like t
ry pleas yeah why not not for me [Music] espr he says mhm you know that picture on the wall back there that wouldn't by any chance be melini it ain't Tony B from home alone mcau culin I took a shower washing every body part with actual so including all my major crevices including in between my toes and me my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed I washed my hair with the don't formul the shampoo and use cream wings for that just was shine I can't seem to find my toothbrush so
I pick one up when I go out today other than that I'm in good shape from Green Card Gerard deu she said go okay who's this go i' throw you out George how dare youte talk to me who is get out vegetarian who the hell do you think you are George no I'm the husband that's who a ouch now wait a minute hey you're the waiter from that restaurant I don't know what's going on but I'm got to find out pal out C cucumber from Edward Scissor Hands Johnny de now don't you wear a kisses you're going to be jus
t fine honey you're going to be so pretty yes you are oh oh [Applause] [Music] Eddie is there anything you can't do you take my very breath away I swear look at this from Cadillac Man Robin Williams Larry you don't have to push it through my back to kill me it's a gun bullets come out you know what's his name um chip chip chip yeah like from Charles chip chip that's the name for a squirrel how about Charlie no Charlie Charlie Charlie it's a Kami name Kami yeah like sounds Chinese how about Chuck
that's an all American name okay Chuck Chuck here some Chuck Chuck is then Chuck tell me go away go away you're doing good L and the winner is maau kulen in Home [Music] Alone can we move that down for you watch me break it stand there his mother would do the same thing no oh okay I'd like to thank um Keith rine Susan Cel and Billy Hopkin Hopkins for getting me started in all this I'd like to thank Chris Columbus and all the guys that worked on home alone and last but not least John Hughes whic
h wrote this great [Applause] [Music] script ladies and gentlemen Martin Maul and Fred [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Willie thank you please sit down Fred no microphone it's over here oh they said to stand in the right spot well no the correct spot friend thank you ladies and gentlemen with your kind permission we would very much like to discuss something of a u a serious nature here tonight and you are the perfect person to do that well by default um a lot has happened since Fernwood tonight fi
rst came on the scene back in 1977 and they were aware of that fact I was not oh really well a lot has Fred for one thing we had no idea that we were going to be you know setting a a trend that would be followed by so many of the talk shows of today well there there is a difference though Martin our show is deliberately stupid well that's that's true were trying to get laughs and little did we know that all we had needed to do really to stay on the air was just go woof woof woof woof woof stupid
us we went to college well actually we did that if you recall but we used real dogs that's true yes we did anyway comedy has changed a lot since those helian days back then there were 50 comedy clubs in America and 50 funny comedians and now there are over 5,000 comedy clubs in America right and still about 50 funny comedians the point I'm trying to make is that our country seems to be suffering from a comedy glut really it began with the Improv and The Comedy Store before we knew it there was
giggles and Chuckles and zanies and footsies and stitches and Snickers and B unkers and I could go on and on and on yes I'm sure you could and there was happies and sneezies and grumpies and Louis Anderson's big and tall Comedy Barn Fred please you know um not counting right now I've been very lucky in this industry um never really set out to be an Entertainer I was quite frankly just kind of aimlessly walking down that old sidewalk of life when I discovered that i' accidentally stepped into Sho
w Business well and Martin I think everybody here will agree that your success is based on luck but that's not the point we're trying to make well if I may yeah be my guest all right my point is you plumbers you cab drivers you nurses if you're thinking about getting into comedy we beg you don't especially especially the farmers you Farmers out there think about a farmer doesn't have to plow his field real good at 3:00 in the morning for a woman named Mitzy sharing a tiny what would you call it
a tiny dressing room with a troop of Comedy jugglers half of whom don't even speak English [Applause] look folks if you've got five minutes of material just do it for your neighbors your friends and your family okay no matter how hilarious it is stay home and if it's really hilarious send it to me right our next two Awards here are the result of ballots sent to over 200 comedy clubs around the country for the patrons to vote on their favorite standup Comics working in the clubs today over 200,00
0 were distributed and now for the results of the voting in the category favorite Comedy Club standup mail the nominees are Allen every woman knows how to do the weirdest thing right out of the bucket boy every woman knows how to do that Hindu head wrap with a towel out of the shower will dur we have an invisible airplane why do we bother building it why don't we just tell the Russians there's thousands of them in they're everywhere Bill Hicks three rednecks met me after the show hey buddy we're
Christians we don't like like what you said I said then forgive me Richard Jenny I go over people's houses now and light up a cigarette they are just devastated they have a look of my God why don't you just relieve yourself on the children while you're at it Dennis wolfberg where we to have had a girl my wife wanted to call her Sue uh which which is a lovely name but which for Jews is generally a verb and the winner is Dennis [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] wolfberg thank you very much th
is is uh this is uh very exciting this is the third time time I've been nominated I was uh rapidly becoming the Susan Luchi of the comedy industry uh I am truly delighted I am uh somewhat surprised I I I appreciate your support I am also aware that this kind of Acceptance in this business and and fame in and of itself is somewhat uh ephemeral as I was saying to my driver tonight Michael Dukakis but there are some people I'd like to thank uh uh my my wife who told me to thank her if I wanted to a
void sustained periods of celibacy uh my parents my management uh uh and my agent without whom I would have been here much quicker I suspect uh but you made me very happy thank you very much thank you very much and that's the act that wanted for him I guess and there's more in the comedy uh category favorite Comedy Club standup female the nominees are Ellen degenerous I have fish for pets that's what I have goldfish and I got fish originally for the stress thing they said if you watch fish it he
lps you to relax to fall asleep which explains why I always doze off while I'm snorkeling Diane Ford do you ever notice how some guys trunks get a little too loose and when they sit down part of them kind of scooches out the leg there don't you have a net for that or something Kathy ladman I can't sleep I have I have such insomnia had a nightmare last night a terrible dream I Dr my parents came to visit me that's it Carol leafer women on first dates never order a lot of food first date you're no
t going to sit there look like Arnold ZL in front of the guy first date you're not going to sit there oh not finishing your here hey and I've never had friends set me up either man and when I was lived in Georgia I had girlfriends that would write to prisoners in jail and try to set me I swear to God I'd be like God Julie he's a murderer and she's like oh Pam they never found the head and the winner is Ellen [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] degenerous [Music] [
Applause] [Music] oh uh I really had had no idea so whatever Dennis said that's what I was going to say um thank you very much to my uh to my agents Michael green and everybody at the urban Arthur agency my manager Terry danis thank you very much for supporting me U my parents I have a very funny family so thanks for the inspiration and support and uh everybody who voted for me that was very nice of you thanks [Music] stay tuned for Betty White Jonathan Winters and Steve [Applause] Martin comedy
the winner of last year's lifetime comedy Achievement Award Miss Betty [Applause] [Music] [Applause] White [Music] thank you thank you so much I'd like to take you all home with me matter of fact I have taken a few of you home with me isn't it great to see this kind of a full house here tonight is that great boy an open bar and a free buffet it'll get Comics out every time won't it winning last year is Lifetime Achievement award was really a thrill it was like winning Miss America or or Miss Un
iverse sure those girls each get a a pretty car and a lot of free cosmetics and and and a shot on the Rick D show I got a whoopy cushion and a date with Andrew Dice Clay they both made nothing but obscene sounds but I think oh sorry Andrew but I did have a good time uh I think one of the best perks was being asked to be judge on Star Search and I got to see was wonderful I got to see six beautiful spokes models each say Keep Your Hands to Yourself Mr McMahon this really is a very special award v
oted on by over 1100 100 actors and actresses Comedians and comedians all who work in comedy and I truly appreciate being so honored this past year ah thank you wonderful but now I would like to congratulate the male Lifetime Achievement Award honores this evening Milton Burl Johnny Carson Bob hul Dick Van Dyke and the man who received the most votes for this year's Lifetime Achievement Award Mr Jack Lemon you're over the years I have been very very fortunate in in receiving a number of of prest
igious Awards but this this is is really nothing no I'm I'm delighted and I want to thank all of my peers for voting for me naturally I don't know maybe if I keep on getting some terrific parts I'll be eligible again in a few years I don't know I hope so but in the meantime thank you and now here is the winner of the very first American Comedy Lifetime Achievement Award for one of the most brilliant and inventive comedy minds of all time and a really cute fella star of the new show Davis rules M
r Jonathan [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Winters fantastic buddy that outfit got me out of World War II her outfit we're up in this area right now we'll get them home I uh I don't care whether you're wondering or not why I didn't wear a tuxedo I'll tell you why it doesn't fit me it's a joy to see so many wonderful faces a lot of them of course I don't know and person always comes up you don't remember me do you well when you've had a series of bad Falls uh don't all I'd like now to get right on
with it i' I'd now like to congrat boy I really saluting myself for reading this far away I'd like now to congratulate all the honores for this time this year well there are always a few impediments this year's no money involved why should I worry about articulation this year this year's Lifetime Achievement Award female and uh here are the here petus Arthur sherley mlan Penny Marshall Nancy Walker and the woman who received the most votes for this year's Lifetime Achievement Award Miss Doris Da
y as you know Doris lives in Carmel and could not come to the theater [Applause] tonight I live in Bakersfield and I couldn't come to the theater tonight any rate she couldn't be with us this evening and it is unfortunate I think we all understand uh it is uh you have to hop on that plane and a lot of you know traffic we're we're getting a lot of rain up North so hey she's in her home and she's got lots of pets I I'm sure you people realize a lot of dogs and cats and they stopped her from coming
congratulations Doris take this to over you fool and see that the king reads it here's a young lady who just won an award for her best standup comedian ladies and gentlemen Ellen [Applause] [Music] degenerous thank you very much thank you Jonathan wyers for opening for me I appreciate that he was terrific hand for Jonathan um this is very exciting to be here everybody's all dressed up and all the men are in tuxedos which uh everybody always jokes about men and tuxedos they look like penguins an
d uh I love animals I love all types of animals and uh I guess the reason I do is because our family business when I was uh growing up we had a petting zoo and uh uh well we had two sections we had a petting zoo and then we had a a heavy petting zoo people who really like the animals a lot lot that was just right over there just there it's more expensive but um it's amazing in nature how everything works together everything seems to be here to help each other to be here for a specific purpose uh
except for fleas to me I fleas I have no they have no beneficial reason at all to be here and I always thought at times like this when we can't figure things out for ourselves wouldn't it be great if we could just pick up the phone and call up God and ask him these things just just pick up the phone and call up God and yeah hi God it's Ellen Ellen degenerous degenerous what what's so funny no I never thought of that it does sound like that doesn't it yeah I get it yeah listen if you weren't too
busy sure I'll hold on somebody's at the gate Onward Christian Soul yeah you sing along your tape yeah it's not a tape well they're good yeah yeah yeah listen God there are certain things on this Earth I just don't understand why they're here no not Charro no I didn't mean no I was thinking more of insects that no bees are great the honey that was clever yeah you're welcome yeah no I was thinking more about um fleas fleas have no beneficial reason at all to mhm no I didn't realize how many peop
le were employed by the flea collar industry not not to mention sprays well I guess you're right of course you are of course you are yeah being who you are yeah oh you got a little cold God bless you or bless yourself just just bless yourself couldn't you still doing that comedy uh-huh yeah you got a joke for me great yeah no I'd love to hear it yeah now I got time of course You' know that more than me huh yeah that was a joke go ahead who's there God who got a dime oh yeah no I don't have time
for another one I just remember an appointment I have to get to so I got a go how about that God who got to go cute stupid all righty okay it was good talking to you too and I'll see I'll talk to you later right bye-bye thanks very much Steve Martin Christy Aly and Mel Brooks next on the American Comedy Awards ladies and gentlemen Steve [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Martin thank you thank you the lifetime creative Achievement Award what an honor I'm sure you'll believe me when I
say I don't deserve it but I thank you now what about Carl Reiner well let me get my notes it says here that Carl and I have made four films together the names of these films Escape me for a moment but of course I'm high on mushrooms when I think of Carl Riner two words come to my mind Carl and Riner I'm going to say something about him now that all the people in this room will know what I'm talking about Carl knows where the jokes are although he is no longer young he has a young Outlook and a
young mind he does however have an old weenie Carl has had major successes in comedy his whole life he is a kind creative risk taker who loves comedy he has never stolen a joke he appreciates all kind of humor from the classic to the avangard and he loves new comedy Talent his sense of humor has not become out of date ever the sweetest thing of all is he is embarrassed to have all these people here tonight to pay tribute to him Carl Riner has shown them all he has persevered through Changing Tim
es and has come out on top but I think it was mcau culan who said it best and just this morning he said no Mom you go to your room anyone who loves comedy loves Carl and tonight we are here to honor him for scale and now here is a star of Carl riner's most recent film sibling rivalry Miss Kirsty Ally [Music] uh Christy you've worked with Carl more recently than I have has he changed much oh no he he's wonderful he's witty and warm and understanding and tasteful well he has been under a lot of pr
essure lately so here are just a few of the reasons why Carl Reiner is tonight's [Applause] honorie all of me why not take all of me can't you see I'm no good without you take my lips I want to lose them take my arms I never them your goodbye left me with eyes that cry how could you how can I go on dear without you took the part that once was my heart so why not take all of me why not take all oh when I was very young I used to love to find uh um the muscles that made my face work I didn't know
I was doing that but I'd stand in front of a mirror and try to make muscles move you know when I found out that I could there's a muscle in my my upper lid that I can make work that was a wonderful Discovery you know and then I can make both work which very few people can make both upper Lids work like that so I found that and then of course this one you find very early you know that one people laugh and you say hey They're laughing and when you realize they're laughing with you it's rather than
at you it's a very great feeling the fear of being laughed at was chronicled in his first novel describing himself as a young naive actor and you're laughing I trust I haven't kept you waiting too young man there is a parenthesis around ENT laughing it is a stage direction that means I uh laugh when I enter exactly enter laughing as Carl's auditioning skills increase so did his success on stage but then he got a job he didn't have to audition for World War II this son of immigrant parents went
off to serve his country in a GI review after the war it was onto Broadway and into television with a break of a lifetime as Sid Caesar's straight man Sid Caesar is the guy that every comedian and writer wanted to work with and for you recognize this voice Al here's their famous parody of this is your life encourage you I helped you in those desperate years when you needed Uncle [Music] [Applause] goopy [Applause] enough overy Uncle goofy Uncle [ __ ] you can sit down now we'll see you later at
the par [Music] [Applause] here and now after all these [Applause] years we've got to go in the progam they're certainly happy to see each other just sit down [Applause] here on your show of shows Carl Met Mel Brooks and the 2,000-year-old Man was created for instance a simple word like cheese where did that come from cheese is a lovely story how we get too cheese in our in our vernacular in the year 28 Dash there was an old farmer and he a gentleman came to his land and said I'm so thirsty may
I have a little dipper milk and he said certainly go over to the barrel he not knowing that the barrel of milk had soured see so this poor beggar man came to the barrel and opened up from the top and looked in and looked down and V Che the Dick Van Dyk show Carl's experience in television inspired him to write a memorable sitcom with an even more memorable opening I was in The Writer's room for nine years and contributed as a writer and I said let's do something every week that the audience say
is he going to fall this week so the second year I said let's film one where he falls over the ottom and one where he walks around it and was we'll interchange him every week when I used to call my hey may uh if a guy was sitting alone in the living room and you did something in the first 10 seconds or 15 half minute of of the first thing where he said hey me drop the dishes come in here you got to see what these goofy guys are doing I wanted to buy you an important present where did you ever ge
t an idea like that from my mother your mother she saved for years and then on their 25th wedding anniversary she bought my father a big important present what did she get him his own room his writing I said to Mary once Fontana Lunt couldn't have had any more fun doing no coward than we had doing Carl's dialogue it was just it was amazing to go to work every day and do this stuff Carl Riner was responsible for my learning the art of Comedy I mean let's face it the the writers were writing for D
ick Van djk Rosemarie myy Amsterdam and occasionally for Carl himself I had to fight for my life do you know how hard it is to get laughs with gee Rob or you're home late again Rob Rob how could you not out of the bottle Rob oh Rob as to tonight's honor for Carl I can only say it's long long overdue Carl we all love you after his incredible success in television it was on to the movies where he worked with such Giants as George Burns John Candy Lily Tomlin and Steve Martin in the movie all of me
Lily's ghost controls the right side of Steve's body oh jeez I can't move my right leg paralyzed here let me try we we we obviously have mutual control over our body our body it's my body I'm not sharing my body with anyone everybody's going to be real disappointed where are we going got to find calasa I can't go in there Skyler I'll think excuse me that's a private conversation do you mind uh no please just do as I say no now throw them good and hard so they'll stick what makes me laugh when i
s when uh well always the surprise of something that you didn't expect when Carl got tired of abusing me he went on to share his comic genius with Kirsty who played a cheating wife in sibling rivalry I have to go out of me where somebody found my wallet they're at the grocery store waiting ticket would you get that please good I want to make movies with Kirsty Aly for the rest of my life I like to do a series of movies I would say she's the going to be the comedian of this decade I say she combi
nes all the best elements of every comedian I've ever seen she's got she's got a a Humanity to her a realness that that absolutely melts you and then when she gets in trouble you really feel for her I know I must have been too powerful for he had himself a heart attack while you were after I think it was after oh I hope it was after e with all of his many talents he has only one goal and that is to entertain the audience I think all an audience has to do is come into the theater sit back get the
ir popcorn get their mediumsized drink CU you don't need a full size drink unless you're getting the big thing of top if you're getting a big you know garbage can barrel of popcorn then you need the sizeing but that's all you need G that's all I need and this remote control the as train the padle game and the remote control and that's all I need these matches yes treay and these matches and the remote control and the paddle ball this L yeah this battle game and the remote control and the laugh a
nd that's all I [Music] need and that's all I need too I don't need one other thing not one I need this the B game of the chair for the remote control and for sure and now here's the one man Carl knows he can always hit on for a job his son Rob Riner thank you uh I'm going to say just a few words about my pop who I love very much uh this is a lifetime creative Achievement Award so part of that creative achievement is his Lucas and his daughter Annie and myself these are creative achievements may
be not as funny as that Steve Martin thing but sometimes funny uh he has given me aside from Life uh uh all of my values uh not just in uh my work but in How I Live My Life as a person on this planet he is one of the most decent people you will ever me meet he's uh he's got uh just wonderful attitude that he's imparted on not only me but his other children and hopefully I think we're living fairly decent lives because of him and also my mother but we're not honoring my mother tonight um if we we
re to do that then I would say just as nice things about her uh I did give her a good line in the film When Harry Met Sally I'll have I'll have what he's having so obviously I think a great deal of her uh but tonight is is for my pop and I love him dearly and I'm very happy to be here pop and uh what else can I say give me a big hug of a [Music] kiss you know that was so amazing because Carl and Rob have not spoken for 22 years no salute to Carl Riner or his career would be complete without a fe
w words from his illegitimate son Mel Brooks [Laughter] I'm all right I'm all right well let's tell the truth huh the truth is ladies and Jews you know the truth the truth is I don't know he deserves this do you a lot of people don't agree with this I'd like to cut right now cut outside and see the demonstration against Carina go cut out have you got the tap cut outside now let's see the truth damn it let's see [Laughter] it that's the truth that's what's really happening here and and and wait a
minute wait a minute and now while we're telling the truth let's tell it all for 25 years he made me out to be the 2000 to be the to be this Jewish person and there was money in it and I went along with it hold it hold it and now tonight here here in this stupid place I'm going to re I'm going to reveal I am really a gentile born in Waco Texas this is not my nose look look carefully watch watch me this is not this is not this is 25 years I'm this no I put up with this and now and now and God da
mn it God damn it I can talk the way I always talk when I lived in Waco I don't have to do that Jew talk no more I love you it was worth it it was wor it all right from the TV Guide it will say Mel Brooks takes off his nose Kirsty Steve I just can't take the Myst anymore who is this year's American Comedy Awards choice for for Lifetime Achievement oh God Steve I oh it's Carl Riner oh my [Music] [Applause] God [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] oh God do I
love this do I love this you don't hug you don't have to hug this is for you oh thank you get your award oh God I have Mel I have never laughed so hard in the last month uh uh about five years ago George Slaughter told me about this idea for a Comedy Award I thought and he told you in the warm-up that I had told him many times it's the stupidest idea for an award I've ever seen cuz comedians are supposed to make fun of of awards we're not supposed to take it seriously but I think not because I
got this award but I think this is the greatest award show in the history of Hollywood never will there be another one like it never and now and why I want to say now why Mel Brooks as I consider the funniest man I know personally Steve no intended uh well we've talked about this together Mel took the absolute truth the Deep seated anger that he had in him to have to come out here and and pay homage to somebody who's not as talented as he he had Furious and by the way next year they're going to
offer to Mel and I don't know how you're going to turn it down and if if you and I'll come and chew you up but Mel that was worth the whole price of admission for me and lastly but not leastly this is so so easy I can get the biggest award Applause Just by saying aelle Riner married to this beautiful wonderful talented woman who is really the base for all the talent in my family and the among the kids not me she had nothing to do with my talent Estelle Riner a 47-year marriage thank you very muc
h everybody thank [Music] you we'll be back with John Lin Tim Conway Harvey Corman and Lily tumlin [Music] comedy ladies and gentlemen John [Music] [Applause] [Music] L thank you what a town what a crowd what a town what a crowd and have you seen the town it's crowded thank you what is the thespian a lesbian with a lisp I think not thank you to be or not to be that is the question thank you do I enjoy the sound of my own voice I think not thank you before I continue I feel you should know that b
eneath this clothing I am as nude as a Bee thank you in the category funest supporting male television the nominees are from Saturday Night Live Dana Carvey they did got a war I can assure you it will not be another Vietnam because we have learned well the simple lesson of Vietnam stay out of Vietnam from cheers Woody Haroldson uh Miss house I couldn't find your guard or in your car but I did find these jumper cables they may not look so great but they they're probably hold up your stockings fro
m Night Court John larette they were hoisting a baby gr up to the second floor just as Phil was walking under the Rope snapped and boom the key was sharp Phil was flat from the famous Teddy Z Alex Rocco so that's how you get clients you pull them out of the car and you punch them in the stomach sh I've been doing it all wrong I take him to lunch and then like an idiot I don't even hit him what the hell am I been thinking from In Living Color Damon ways open up all your presents while the rest of
us stand here empty-handed watching you have fun huh yeah I don't think so Homie don't play that and the winner is whoa for the third year in a row Dana [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Carvey [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] oh man oh God is this a funny evening or is it just me I oh my God I was sitting back there next to Mel Brooks and I was saying to my wife my God look at his nose it look it's gross it looks like it's made of putty the poor man oh my God and he he ripped it off a
nd it was oh well I used to think that award shows were ridiculous especially for comedians we shouldn't compete but but I I do think it's a good idea now and we should do it more often I am in agreement with Carl Riner there um I'm really uh very flattered I I can't believe I've won this three years in a row and I'm actually thinking of making this into a party hat um just something to do keep going okay um I I hope that I represent America well winning the uh funniest supporting male comedian
award I hope we I represent us well next month in Puerto Rico at the funniest supporting maale in the Universe Pageant um I know what you're thinking the argentinians will be tough they're always tough but and I hear there's a Moroccan who does a brilliant Jack Nicholson you have to see it to believe it but I really hope to bring home the title um it's pretty good um going thank you thank you um I I got to thank uh Brad gray of the brilin company and the entire brillstein company I'd like to tha
nk Lauren Michaels our uh esteemed producer at Satur Night Live Jim Downey the cast and former cast members of the show and um my wife all the writers my lovely wife Paula who puts up with me my entire life saying things like do do you think this is funny do you think this will work anyway thank you very much and I really really appreciate it thank you thank you thank [Music] you direct from Washington DC the WID of PBS Mark Russell thank you very much as we meet in this big glitzy Hollywood Aud
itorium which is what Savings and Loans used to look like we ask where are the missing Comedy Awards tonight where is The Comedy Award for the network television news departments which last year decided to run the x-rated Madonna video which was banned by m TV there was Madonna a Nightline writhing back and forth with her multiple partners as Ted Coppel said these are not the positions of ABC's management where was The Comedy Award for soddom Hussein when the war ended in his heart he really tho
ught that he had won and he prepared to hold history's first underground ticker tape parade where's the award for the IRA Air Force which recently tied Eastern Airlines in ontime [Applause] Departures where's the award for one of my heroes former Surgeon General C Everett Coupe millions of Americans are alive today because of him they are non-drinking nonsmoking sexually responsible people they all live in Utah but at least they're alive hard to believe that years ago C Everett Coupe was once a
three a day man and that is a lot of condoms you will agree and so in the spirit of this evening ladies and gentlemen I say keep comedy alive and we can do that by supporting our federal government thank you very much and God's [Music] peace ladies and gentlemen Mr Harvey [Applause] [Music] Corbin thank you it's traditional that on award shows the rules be read by someone of Integrity honesty importance and above all stature no one with these qualifications is with us this evening so here to rea
d the rules is my friend [Applause] dorf sorry Mr dor nice to see you sir very much understand that you are prepared to read the rules that is correct I have been out there in the hall out there vocalizing and exercising you don't just come out here and read those things without having your wind about you an opportunity to kind of get in your exercises while you're out there I don't have the music that goes with him but I see very good so you're getting you're all limbered up stretch up that's i
mportant Ah that's very good touch your toes it's good anything of that nature you need to vocalize or anything I think I have ready to go all right how about reading these rules read the rules and um we're pressed for time so keep it short really mhm is that is or is that not some kind of a shot at shortness oh no no sir we're under a little pressure however okay little mhm is that another Barb oh no my dear fellow that was not little in reference to that I mean anyway it was just a small mista
ke small uhuh that's three singers in a row here for us you know that I mean here why don't you just get on with it read the rul here we go all right I uh oh having the light there we go how about that right there well I I oh here I can't is that better I'll get it that's not the very ni See Clearly to do can I help that I can get it don't worry about that ah very clever there just uh get on with it please yes just want to read the rules yeah I um I'll do this you I the belt back onto my pants i
f you don't here you take that yes let's get on with the I can read I can't see the light on why don't you need a little shade is why don't I read the rules ladies and gentlemen me readul this another short joke here what this suggestions were selected from the network cable companies agents managers hookers uh Bookers and performers from that list our 00 comedians actors and actresses suggested five nominees and voted on tonight's winners in each category performance calendar year of 1990 the b
allots were sent out and counted by the prestigious firm of chice Waterhouse that's not true either there were three people here two of them weren't even working we voted the other so tonight we are pleased to present Awards in 14 categories to some of the most outstanding performers working in comedy there's no outstanding performers in comedy [Music] anymore how did I get out of here hey stay tuned for downtown Jimmy Brown Lily Tomlin Will Smith and welcome Jamal Warner ladies and gentlemen th
e prettiest part of Saturday Night Live Victoria Jackson I'm tired of being a good girl I'm tired of squeaky clean I'm tired of being kind and polite and never being mean I'm tired of my pleated skirts and sensible attire I want to wrestle in the mud and dance till I perspire I'm tired of getting straight A and winning your respect I want a staple in my tummy and a snake around my neck I'm tired of my knee socks I want to bike between my legs I'm tired of baking cookies and painting Easter eggs
I'm tired of staying inside I want to come out and play I used to be a girl scout but that was yesterday I want to be a [Music] [ __ ] I want to be a [Music] [ __ ] I'm tired of doing homework and sit-ups Round the Clock I want to hang out with the homeboys and skeezers on my block I'm tired of this baby voice I want to talk like this who wants to be Norwegian I want to look like Kiss I don't want to be predictable it's time to shake them up a lot I want to drive my mother crazy and date a guy n
amed snot exessive makeup on my face purple panties made of lace fishnet stocking stiletto heels these are all my new ideals I want to be a [ __ ] everybody a [ __ ] w why do I have to leave the room just to pass some gas I'm a Fly Girl on a mission I want to be a [ __ ] a [ __ ] it's just a [Music] joke ladies and gentlemen here's one of tonight's earlier winners is Lily [Applause] [Music] [Applause] Tomlin coming up now is the most hotly contested category of the evening funniest male performe
r in a television special was it just me or were the U melon balls at the buffet table a little bit smaller this year just breaking the tension after that last number in the category funniest male performer in a television special the nominees are from comic relief 4 Billy Crystal lose me hello what is I hey what you know from comic relief 4 Robin Williams thank you very much for stanging and stanging I'm sorry I'm dyslexic I was the only kid at Halloween to go hi trick-or trout and from his tra
veling Road Show Jonathan winter when I press you say something okay yeah oh oh good even more from the tonight Show's 28th anniversary Jay Leno from eth anniversary special David Letterman and the winner is Jonathan wyers and his traveling Road Show [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank you thank you I uh I uh well that's a good start when I uh when I was away and the reason I reason I say that is because many people on both sides of my family were away at one time or another they were in the sam
e state but they were away I was thinking when I looked at this face of laughter in therapy we would say to ourselves how could we get this out uh I remember Carl was up here just a few minutes ago and and his son making remarks about him his father uh my family uh have really kept me going in more ways than one uh they've been uh strong unbelievable supporters but I think seriously aside from them and they were always there was my sense of humor I think a sense of humor is the most effective we
apon we have [Music] ah unfortunately not everybody has a sense of humor seriously you know when you you say and we use this word only at these to my knowledge these specific get togethers your peers I've never really known who my peers are but whoever you are I thank you and this does mean a lot I don't have a lot of awards I've got a lot of odd things in my room I don't have one other one I have a life achievement so uh I I don't want to use that TR thing about bookends I'll just put them toge
ther and hope that it'll always be just that and thank you so much to each and every one of you you people work hard and it's been a tremendous year it'll be a better year I can't predict beyond that um you're going to make some money we've already I've got $1,200 almost on me so good luck to you and thanks so much been great here are the young stars from Fresh Prince of belir and The Cosby Show Will Smith and Malcolm Jamal Warner we must say that it's really a thrill to be here with so many gre
at comedians this is truly an honor for the both of us why don't you tell them why we're really here man see look we were on our way to the party machine and bonehead made a wrong left turn [Music] the other reason we're here is to talk about the changes in TV comedy since we were born well see back then you sure wouldn't see black performers doing stuff like they do every week on In Living Color Once Upon a Time homie the clown went to a fancy white restaurant Shay Whitey was the name as always
homie gets hassled by the man he tells him that a TI required in order to eat in this establishment so homie says man get them damn ties out of my face while your ass who says you got to be in film to get an Oscar not anymore that's right use any sharp object to engrave your name here B then put it on the Shelf B the hood of your car or beat an Envy of your neighborhood by wearing this as a funky fresh tune in next week when we'll be back in the good old us of reviewing the new relase Memphis B
ell it's the story of 10 young men's in leather jackets all sweaty standing next to each other and them long hard bombs cram together a little old cockpit well grease my landing gear I'm coming in for a landing now those scenes are from In Living Color a show with tremendous impact but we know that shows like we do every week could not have been possible without some of the wonderful performers who came before us see in the early days black people only appeared in roles like waiters and Sho shin
e boys and they were giving lines to say like Feats do your stuff and I ain't bfing no babies and O I ain't going through that graveyard Mr Chan and you mean to tell me diamonds is worthless now that line of course was spoken in a show called Amos and Andy which was loved by millions of people but was so controversial that it was taken off the air and no Stills or Clips have ever been allowed to be shown for the past 30 years the next time that an all black cast appeared on network television wa
s in 1972 when Red Fox start in Sanford and Sun I'm Jewish you hear that Elizabeth Elizabeth honey I'm Jewish this is it this is the big one I'm coming to join you honey I'll be the one with the chicken soup and the mus ball finally the door was open and a number of other artists followed but now they were no longer reduced to solely subservient roles neighbor would you be my could you be M I hope I get to move in your neighborhood someday the problem is is when I move in y'all move away my name
is j yeah I'm what you call an angel of Mercy I am a living example of what America is today you sure are child your hair's in recession and your mouth's inflated one night I was on one of those Nationwide television talk shows right so I mentioned the fact on the show I don't know why the government bugs my phone and the guy got very uptight he says that Gregory I defy you to get on a nationwide television show and accuse the United States government of bugging your phone what evidence do you
have I said anytime a black cat in America can owe Bell Telephone $112,000 and they don't cut the phone off it's tapped letta's an attractive woman and I was scared well that you'd give into temptation and that I'd have to kill you Denise told you right told me what about this is that a decal no have you been tagged by the wildlife Society did you enjoy the trip oh yo the plane ride was stupid I was up in first no I'm saying the plane was dope excuse me no stupid dope oh no that that doesn't mea
n what you um how would he the flight was really neat yeah yeah you know something you did something to me once when we were kids that has made me hate you for the past 40 years that's right you remember the snake incident huh yeah well you scarred me for life that's right but it's okay now cure right you know what right now I'm in a room with a seven foot [Applause] [Music] snare do we need white chocolate I mean my people don't have much you know don't take chocolate and make it white yeah I d
on't think so Homie don't play that well it's a long way from Feats do your stuff to Homie don't play that and we would like to thank all those people whose efforts gave us the freedom to do the shows that we do [Music] today [Applause] ladies and gentlemen star of into the night Rick De thank you thank mcau cins back there he wanted to make sure to thank all the little people for his award tonight too so mcau right now I'd like to bring on a lady a great female standup comedian in her time of c
ourse Raquel Welsh is here tonight and oh oh hello RI you're not Rael W so you're not R raes filber either I don't want to talk about it right now though is it on thank you so much got this from a hind leg of a dog I go by a tree and this whole side goes up in the air can't you hear me at all on this side thank you but never mind just keep going is Miss Welch ready she'll be fun I told you I got three jokes to fill in the space do the three jokes look at the celebrities here there's there's Ben
Vine's cousin Wolverine hi W how are you there's Larry Holmes's mother mobile hi M can we introduce this lady please well bring her on I'm not stopping you hurry up please ladies and gentlemen Rock L Wells oh beautiful [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Ro thank you [Music] and when I was asked to do the show I didn't have a clue who my co-presenter might be but I was hoping of course for one of Hollywood's hottest Leading Men and I sure wasn't disappointed ladies and gentlemen the st
ar of Home Alone McCully [Applause] [Music] culin [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] hello Miss [Applause] roach well congratulations McCully on this big award you've won tonight my goodness I mean the the funniest leading man in AO Motion Picture well thank you Miss Welch uh maau um gee before we go a little further into to the program I wonder if you could just do you know do that thing for me just one time please okay re just for [Applause] [Music] you should we do these Awards here should
we present them in the category of funny sporting female television the nominees are from New Heart Julia Duffy I forbid you to take the birth of our baby why there is a slim chance I won't look beautiful when I'm in labor from Murphy ground Faith Ford we were so busy on our honeymoon we hardly ever left the hotel room busy busy busy oh Murphy I hope you get busy soon and The Golden Girls are still gety some call me Sophia others know me as the Terminator I'm from Sicily you know the number one
export of our Villages Ransom notes from the Tracy Alman show Julie cavet hi Mom hi Dad I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to kill myself and you're only partially to blame from cheers Ria Pearlman I'm writing in this letter while lying naked on my kitchen table wa well there's a lot more depth to me than just being a waitress you know and the winner is Estelle gy The Golden [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Girls I really needed this spot with Rael welchin
the shortest kid in the place um I accept this with great pride and joy and a couple of questions the pride and joy of course is self-evident and self-explanatory uh the fears that I have about this or will I be able to get up the steps will I be able to see over the podium will either be Betty or R come up here and hold my hand uh I must say if you stay in this business long enough you get to win a few Awards and I've won a couple of them but I'm really really proud of this one because it comes
from the peers it comes from people who know comedy and that's a big Big Thrill and uh I want to thank everyone connected with it all the people I work with and especially to my beloved Dorothy and Rose and blanch biaa Betty White and R mclanahan thank you all so [Applause] [Music] much [Applause] and now in the category of funniest female performer in a television series The nominees are Frontiers Christi Ali I want you to get ready for the most exciting night of your life from Murphy Brown ki
s Bergen you can tell that you're uncomfortable holding him and he's reacting to that hear you why is he crying like that he wants to be breastfed oh God Married With Children Katie Seagal did you miss me with every bullet so far well maybe you need a bigger gun sweetheart not that I don't love your itty bitty one from the Tracy om man show Tracy Olman Ray milon when you became a proctologist you certainly stuck in your thumb and pulled out app pla Golden Girls Betty White I'm singing in the you
're in a good mood Rose is someone expecting her special visitor tonight oh don't be silly blanch I haven't had my special visitor in years and the winner [Applause] is the winner is Tracy Olman from the Tracy Alman show hello everybody I'm doing another classic I'm sorry I can't be with you tonight but thank you very very much for my funniest female performer in a comedy series let's face it I'm the funniest female performer without a comedy series now but with a Broadway show and a child in ge
station just here and George Slaughter can you think of an award for me next year maybe best comedy breastfeeding something funny like that well I'm very thrilled to have Mr Vincent Sardi to present me with this year's Comedy Award and congratulations Miss San oh thanks very much Mr sard you um put it in a dogy bag I'll I'll take it for later all right thanks very much I'll take a bit of Sal yes being pregnant you're just starving all the time it's unable this little devil is so hry she God know
s what it is comedy ladies and gentlemen here's Gilbert ged's favorite comic Gilbert [Applause] [Music] gried thank you thank you thank you thank God this show finally started I've been downstairs underneath the stage for the past 4 hours it's like all of you are eating and having champagne and I'm watching two rats have sex and over and over and over again oh the stamina that they have it's so degrading to watch it just over and over it's too rat I mean me if I have sex it's like 4 minutes and
that includes dinner and a show let me get this off my chest now that I'm here I didn't like the movie Deliverance okay there I said it I thought those hillbillies were too stupid what made them pick Ned batty out of all the guys they could have molested they had to molest Ned batty I mean you figure you have Bert reyolds there and you have John Vo now I mean I'm straight but if Bert Reynolds and John voy showed up in my house I'd lock the door it would be over for them and I wonder how long it
took them to get NED batty out of his trailer that morning like Ned come on the scene starting and Ned's there going um excuse me what happened to Pages 63 and 64 and they're going oh uh don't worry about that it'll be a surprise well I'm really hoping for 63 and 64 I want to look at it if you don't mind you know and they and you know I'll tell you originally they had uh you know Charles dering doing that part but the thing is he saw Pages 63 and 64 they showed it to Bert grenolds he said oh I d
on't know I'm kind of tired give it to Ned then they showed it to John voyd he said well I'd like to but I got to brush my teeth give it to Ned he'd like it you know backstage they were telling all of us to keep our speeches short but I've been waiting downstairs too long the American Comedy Awards will be right back after these messages and I don't even like the show so far are you having trouble sleeping at night does sleep seem inconceivable does time stand still while you hit one h two why s
tay up all night when you can sleep like a baby Checkmate try new Pleasant tasting lights out the antidote for a peaceful night's rest why have a sleepless night when there's an easy cure new non-addictive lights out for a peaceful wonder why they cut me off so quick maybe they want to do that Jamie far retrospect or that the films of Gary Coleman that that has to be it I know that's it you know I wonder if they asked Ed asna to do Deliverance they probably said Ed no Pages 63 and 64 but can you
come forward and go we we and that's what is that one am my mouse or something yeah just do that Gilbert gy just keeps whining and whining and whining and whining and whining ladies and gentlemen from Night Court Mary post and Marshall Warfield [Applause] [Music] ain't this a [Applause] [ __ ] first of all they make us wait three and a half hours into the show when all the good jokes have been taken second I am not now nor have I ever been nominated for any one of these Awards I wasn't even men
tioned in the best negro spot [Applause] and third we've been working with each other over five days a week for seven months of year for the Last 5 Years and who do they put together you and me mar don't you understand that's what they do on award shows they try to pair up people have something in common then pair me up with Denzel Washington okay Mara why don't we just present the award I'd like to present an award to Denzel Washington in the category of funniest male performer in the televisio
n series lead the nominees are from cheers Ted Danson I'm sorry I I won't do this why first of all you've been drinking a little bit and you know a gentleman has rules and second you're kind of repulsive right now from Roseanne John Goodman what well you have more noodles than I do I do not yes you do you've just given me chicken water from Married with Children Ed O'Neal after you my rear I mean my dear you are too tired to fix the doorbell and yet you can go move her couch yeah from In Living
Color Keenan Ivory weighin I'm a friend of Benn my name is Lena but everybody calls me FR oh why is that I got took French in 11 grade and I love to kiss that way from the tonight's show Jay Leno and the winner [Applause] is Ted Danon in [Applause] [Music] cheers oh hi um thank you very much for this award it it means a great deal to me I'm honored thank you I'm sorry that I couldn't be there in person but I I have another w show to go to oh by the way is is this waterproof does anyone oh never
mind byby ladies and gentlemen from MTV Downtown Julie [Music] [Applause] [Music] Brown well um the producer Tonight George schadder I'd HED to have a little bit of British humor on the show tonight people like John cleas or Eric Idol Dudley Moore Benny Hill well to make a long story short they were all unavailable and it came down between me and Margaret Thatcher and so the producer George said get the funny one so unfortunately Margaret thater couldn't be here tonight so I am inste said in the
category of funniest actress in a motion picture the nominees are from Alice Mia faroh from Green Card Andy McDow from Pretty Woman Julia Robert from Postcards From The Edge Merill street from I love you to death Tracy Alman the winner is Merill Streep in Postcards From The Edge unfortunately Mel Street couldn't be with us tonight so I accept the award on her behalf and she's not getting it back she's got far too many get the nose on this guy if the boter ever sneezed together we'd have hurrica
ne Hanah well little bit late folks good night we hope you had as much fun as we did tonight right jalo right so until next year good night good night Continental is pleased to have provided transportation to Los Angeles whether taking off for a spring vacation or a romantic getaway Continental because one Airline can make a difference accommodations provided by Hyatt Hotels and Resorts featuring the Hyatt on Sunset located along the electrifying Sunset Boulevard feel the highest touch in Hollyw
ood the fifth annual American Comedy Awards brought to you by Dodge for performance quality safety and value welcome home America and by Taco Bell Run for the [Music] Border also winning Comedy Awards tonight were alpacino for funniest supporting male in Emotion picture and woy Goldberg for funniest supporting female in Emotion picture some of tonight's winners were notified in advance [Music] [Applause] [Music] comedy [Music] on
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