8 Best Ways To Speak With People You Can't Stand

have you ever met a person who has strong opinions and convictions in questionable and unproven things but no matter how much you try to make sense talking to them nothing works such conversations can be extremely irritating yet becoming frustrated and yelling at them that they are wrong never works this is where peter burgosian comes in peter these days is known as one of the best critical thinking experts in the world recently him and his colleague james lindsey wrote a book called how to have

impossible conversations a very practical guide where they introduce scientifically proven methods of effective communication with people who have opposing views in this video i will introduce eight practical techniques that you can use when having conversations with people you can't stand sounds good then let's get started technique number one what's your purpose often in the heat of a difficult conversation we lose track of what we are really talking about to begin with as peter suggests it i

s important to first identify your conversational goal ask yourself why am i having this discussion what are my goals what do i want to get out of this do you want to better understand why the other person believes what he or she believes in do you want to prove them wrong will this goal help you in any way knowing your goal will already make the conversation much easier since you will better understand what you're looking to get out of it to say it in a different way how will you get somewhere

when you don't even know where you're going technique number two partnership during the 1970s peter's mentor portland state university psychology professor dr frank wesley investigated why some u.s prisoners of war povs deflected to north korea during the korean war his research showed that virtually all of the defectors came from a single u.s training camp as part of their training they had been taught that the north koreans were cruel heartless barbarians who despised the united states and sin

gle-mindedly sought its destruction but when those povs were shown kindness by their captors their initial indoctrination unraveled they became far more likely to defect than those povs who either hadn't been told anything about the north koreans or had been given more neutral accounts of them the way to change minds influence people build relationships and maintain friendships is through kindness compassion empathy treating individuals with dignity and respect it comes naturally to all of us to

respond favorably to someone who listens shows kindness treats us well and appears respectful meanwhile a sure way to entrench people in their existing beliefs is through adversarial relationships and threatening environments it is easy to dislike someone who is mean-spirited treats you poorly doesn't listen or disrespect you the best way to create this partnership is to view yourself as a conversation partner that is treat others as if you're working together to have a fruitful conversation be

cause you are seeing your conversations as partnerships is the single biggest step you can take to ensuring conversations to civil and to building relationships instead of damaging them technique number three from winning to understanding how do you switch from viewing people as opponents moral degenerates or even enemies to valued partners and collaborators answer shift your goal from winning to understanding make understanding your conversation partner's reasoning your initial goal treating an

individual as a partner in civil dialogue does not mean accepting their conclusions or buying into their reasoning it means thinking along with someone so that you understand not just what they believe but also why they believe it in that process maybe they'll come to understand your reasoning or see that their reasoning is an error or maybe you'll even discover that you're harboring a false belief yourself technique number four report when you build rapport with your conversation partner you e

xperience a closeness where you both feel comfortable get along and mutually empathize the more individuals diverge in their stances the more important it is to build and maintain rapport as this connection grows the person with whom you're speaking is less likely to be defensive and more open to suggestion some tips on building rapport build rapport immediately do not start the conversation with a substantive issue especially if it is controversial find common ground do not parallel talk explan

ation of parallel talking it is taking something someone says and using that to reference yourself or your experiences for example if someone tells you they just got back from japan don't start talking about the time you went to japan ask them about their experience instead don't make their stories about your life parallel talk damages report engage in substantive conversation only if you're willing to make time be courteous to build rapport ask sincere questions that is for which you like to fi

nd answers as opposed to asking questions as a tactic technique number five listen if you do not listen you cannot understand and if you cannot understand there is no conversation listening is more difficult than it seems so it requires practice do what you can to make listening the center of your approach to conversation many times when we talk with people we don't agree with while they speak instead of listening we focus on our own internal explanations of why they are wrong where we are prepa

ring a counter argument to shoot as soon as the other person stops speaking or we interrupt them yet this way we not only hurt the rapport which is essential in finding some sort of an agreement but we may also miss important information that would help better understand the other person's viewpoint listen and sometimes you will be surprised by what you will hear and learn yourself technique number six shoot the messenger nobody likes to be lectured the research literature on effective conversat

ions shows that delivering messages does not work conversations are exchanges messages are information conveyed in one-way transactions messengers espouse beliefs and assume their audience will listen and ultimately embrace their conclusions even when messages are not delivered across any sort of political or moral divide they tend to be poorly received in order to avoid throwing out messages at other people peterborough offers these suggestions distinguish between delivering a message and authe

ntic conversation approach every conversation with an awareness that your partner understands problems in a way that you don't currently comprehend you'll be less likely to deliver messages if you're more focused on figuring out how someone knows what they know than if you presume to understand the reasoning behind someone's conclusions don't meet their message delivery with your message delivery when you realize your partner is being a messenger do not shoot the messenger if you shoot the messe

nger in your partner you will destroy rapport and may derail the conversation shooting the messenger applies only to ourselves if your partner enters messenger mode begin a listening and learning mode centering on asking questions questions can be an effective way to nudge the conversation back on track and last deliver your message only upon your partner's explicit request technique number seven intentions socrates once said that people do not knowingly desire bad things individuals act believe

and desire based upon the information they have if they had different information they'd derive different conclusions we all have an impulse for goodness however lacking a comprehensive picture contributes to the failure of arriving at correct inclusions when you encounter a person with radically different beliefs you might think they are ignorant crazy or malicious this in turn may lead you to feel frustrated resist this inclination and instead consider that they view issues from a different p

erspective or that they are acting upon what they think is the best available information chances are far better that they mean to help but aren't great at communicating than that they're actually ignorant crazy or malicious assuming your partner has malicious intentions stifles your conversation it holds cooperation and undermines the possibility of using the conversation to arrive at truth if you must make an assumption about your partner's intentions make only one their intentions are better

than you think technique number eight walk away know when to walk away even when the conversation is going well your open listening authentic and curious questions may naturally lead your conversation partner to start doubting their opinion as this doubt starts to build the person may feel uncomfortable feeling this doubt you may feel the urge to keep pressing your viewpoint but here you should restrain yourself putting pressure on your partner to continue a discussion beyond their comfort level

shuts down listening encourages defensiveness and turns the conversation into a frustrated rehearsal of why one of you is correct and the other is not people need time to wrestle with doubt incorporate new information multiple challenges and different perspectives and rethink their positions and so do you changing one's mind happens slowly and in a way that suits one's individual psychology and habits over time new beliefs and attitudes integrate with or entirely replace existing ones even the

smallest doubts in your conversation partner may grow into greater realizations with time forcing a conversation beyond someone's comfort zone denies you and your partner an opportunity to reflect while placing a strain on the relationship politely leaving a conversation when all parties are getting along can be an opportunity for those involved to reflect on issues always try to end a discussion on a positive note talking with the person who holds different beliefs from you may be a very frustr

ating experience yet it doesn't have to be as einstein once said no problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it if you want to experience a different relationship with people you can't normally stand waiting for them to change or trying to force them to change will not work first we need to change how we approach the conversation ourselves and if we do the results may surprise us if you want to learn more about these techniques or discover advanced techniques make

sure to read how to have impossible conversations for more practical thinking tips and videos subscribe to the practical thinkers youtube channel now this was rokas and i wish you to keep thinking practically and critically