[Music] welcome to the mothers leading the way video series join us as we explore practical tips and tricks based on Research to manage the many roles that working mothers play Hello everybody welcome back to Mother's leading way and I am very excited to um welcome Dr Amy Meyers one of my hearers um who uh I just think has wonderful lived experiences and information um that personally resonate with me but I also think is going to resonate with many of you um so we are going to just jump right on
in because we have lots of questions um Amy do you mind introducing yourself and kind of describing what your professional background and personal background are sure so I am um an associate professor now um at Texas Women's University and teach teacher education and my research interests align predominantly with culturally responsive and sustaining pedagogies or practices just in general um and I definitely think my lived experiences has shaped that interest I was a mother by the time I was 16
years old um celebrated my 16th birthday and a month later I had an impant in my hand and so my entire professional and academic experience has involved being a mom and I was a teacher for a long time and again I think being a mom drove that professional interest and being a k through 12 um teacher before I went and pursued my PhD in curriculum and instruction but you've really served in in multiple roles including um being a student while also being a mom and an employee yeah yeah the mom life
is everything the mom life has been there I don't know what it's like to adult without being a mom right right and I I think that's such an important voice for us to hear my children are are now grown adults um my my oldest is 33 so um I I also has spent the majority of my kind of career life and school life um as a uh kind of working mom and uh it is it's it's a voice that we need to hear because there are unique challenges a and um so I really would love just to hear a little bit about your e
xperience as a as a working mom attending college so it starts you know with the bachelor's degree that was um a challenge trying to decide if I was even going to go to college because I had a child and luckily um I had a mom who was super supportive of me um doing that and so I was pursuing a bachelor's degree while working uh about 30 hours a week at a child care facility I chose a child care facility so I could be with my child at least part of the day because I knew if I was working a job aw
ay from them and going to school full-time I would never seen my my child um and so I chose child care and then that definitely kind of drove that interest I think and being a teacher I worked on the bachelor's degree in English wanted to be a literature Professor um and went straight from the bachelor's into uh a master's and still um was a single mom from the bachelor's into the Masters was a single mom and um stayed in the child care industry again so I could still spend some time with my chi
ld while being enrolled in school full-time but after the master's degree program started I started working full-time while trying to carry a full-time load and then serve as a graduate teaching assistant um while being a mom and then later on in life married had two more children and then um died into my profession teaching K through 12 for about 10 years before feeling the call of not the Call of the Wild but the call of the doctoral so the PHD was calling me back um and was really scared to d
o it I actually had had a professor when I was working on my Master's Degree I had had a professor tell me I was not cut out for PhD school because I was a mom um and because of my background I came from um you know a um an urban school and so she felt like my academics were not on part with other people and so and I faced a lot of other challenges as a single mom um and so I kind of put that dream of getting that advanced degree on the back burner and uh luckily I had a supervisor a assistant p
rincipal the school that I worked at the high school that I worked at tell me you know you really should go back and get your PhD and you know become a professor who teaches future teachers and again having three kids at home I was like how how does one do this you know um but I dived in and again I was working full-time and had three kids at home when I started the doctoral program so um it was a lot but we um we made it work and I think um that there is kind of if we look at the research and l
ook more broadly you know as working moms that's often times what we do we simply work and we get it done right um and and actually uh I think there's a recent study that actually says that if you actually want work done um one of the best people to give it to is a working wall because we are able to get the get the job done and do it without error what do you think were some of the techniques that you use that that really helped you to integrate your multiple world you you talked a little bit a
lready about working at the uh Child Care Center um what are some other ways that you were able to integrate I think some of the things that I can think of right off the bat is when I would interview for jobs I would ask is this a familyfriendly environment and I I was very upfront with the fact that you know I have children I'm pursuing a degree you know are you open to having children in the office with me as needed so sometimes or leaving occasionally is there a flexible schedule you know wha
t's what are the expectations for that and so interviewing them as well as um interviewing me became a big part of who I was as a mom and just being super upfront not trying to pretend to be something that I'm not I think was a big part um also location was a really big deal for me um I wanted to well after being a mom for as long as I've been a mom I understand um that commute eats up a ton of um that very valuable precious little time that you have with your kids um but also that time that you
need to work and do your academics and so um at some point in time we actually sold our home and we moved into a 600 foot apartment with all the kids and the dog me and my husband so there's a bunch of us crammed in the 600 square ft but that apartment was within a 2 mile radius of where I worked where my kids went to school where their doctor's office was um where I went to school so all the things work school kids everything was in a two mile radius of this apartment complex and um I don't kn
ow if we could have survived without that and the cool thing about it is it was very clear that there were other moms other mothers who had the same game plan because where we lived was overflowing with other mothers who were seeking their degree and um that was a lifesaver for us um so I definitely think you know finding the right fit in your job is really important and like I you know as a professor I've worked at research institutions I worked um in school districts and things like that but I
've also worked you know jobs where you didn't you weren't required to have a SK it was a survival job it was a paycheck job right um and even at child carees you have some Child Care administrations that are very supportive of the fact that you have a family and then there's others that expect you to make the child care your life and that's not the place where I want to work basically um so I would definitely say interviewing the job was a key for me um making sure my location was smart um and
I think the third one for me was treating um the degree like a second job uh I especially with the doctoral since I was working full-time and raising kids with the doctoral degree um I had very distinct set times that I would get up and work on schoolwork so um three days a week not every day of the week but three days a week I would set my alarm for 4:00 in the morning and from 4:30 in the morning to 7:30 in the morning was my work time for the degree and I would do from 4:30 to 7:30 work time
on the degree and then get my kids up get them to school get myself ready go off to work and come home at you know 5:30 6 o'clock and then do it all over again um and I am not a morning person I hate mornings I am not a happy morning person but I was finding that if I did my schoolwork early in the morning my brain was fresh and my school stuff was what was taking my brain capacity my job could be done kind of with your eyes closed type of thing um and so I was more productive in the morning tha
n I was trying to do my schoolwork late at night and that was one of the big tricks for me was finding um the productive time and then sticking to it not being like well if I have home homework this week I'll get up during this time at work no I got up and worked and I worked ahead because you know having kids it's only a matter time before someone gets sick or someone needs to come out of school for some reason or there's some kind of big school event that you have to attend and so um working a
head was key for me and then sticking to that very distinct schedule was so really you kind of controlled both your space um but also your time and and you had I I what I'm hearing is these very clear boundaries um and part of those boundaries were also um who am I willing to work for right um and that there there are times where a job on paper may look perfect but if you really kind of question people about whether they um are able to be flexible which I think working mothers in general need bu
t if you're a working mother who's also in school you need some flexibility because there may be you know final exam time or Etc where you need to be able to set the boundaries that I can't take on extra work this week for this reason right absolutely and they have to understand it you want to work for an employer who understands like right now while I'm working on the degree you might not get 100% % of me at certain times but then there will be other times that you're going to get all of me tha
t you need and you're going to get a better me and you're going to get a me who can multitask like a beast and you know and not everybody in the office can do that so if you're willing to you know employ me and understand that I am a mother but I'm working on a degree but when the degree part of that is done there's going to be a vast amount of wealth and the work ethic that's been there all along but with more time right and I do think um you know you're talking obviously about a you know pursu
ing your doctor degree but as we were kind of talking a little bit before we got started um you know this really can apply whether you're just taking coursework um to increase your skills or you completing a certificate um you know you're doing some online learning I mean even free online courses it really can apply to anything um it doesn't have to be an organized uh you know this is what it is um when you treat that as a second job when you treat it as kind of a set thing on your calendar you'
re much more likely to be productive and um successful yeah and you feel less guilt I think because I think when you kind of let your schedule just be sporadic you feel like you're stealing time away from your children and you're stealing time away from from the other job but when you set that exact time at the exact day of the week it doesn't feel like you're stealing time it is time that has been set aside to do this other job which is your degree um and for me setting it at that time also you
know my kids would come up and interrupt me if I'm trying to work on something at 9:30 at night my kids might get up want a glass of water whenever my children are not getting up at 4:30 in the morning like they want to sleep in and so it was almost like guaranteed quiet time not interrupted at all and I never felt like I was stealing any time from them um and then the nights that I knew that I was going to be getting up that early in the morning I would just make sure I went to bed when they w
ent to bed there was you know not watching TV or you know staying up late doing social media or whatever in what ways do you think serving in these multiple worlds right has how has that benefited you as a mom I think it has definitely helped me better understand the need for boundaries um I grew up with a mom who was just incredible and she was there with us whenever we needed her to be she would drop everything to be there for us um and you know there were lots of times that she would take us
with us when she would go and do whatever jobs that she was working on especially when she was younger or when we were younger and so um I felt like I had a lot to live up too and it really really weighed heavily on my shoulders but I think it's definitely helped me understand the importance of drawing those boundaries um at work like saying you know no I do have a sick child at home or I have a child who has an event at school and I understand I need to be here but also that is a priority and I
can make the things up XY and Z time or drawing a boundary um with my college professors you know helping them understand I care about my grades you can look at my transcript I make great grades like I'm a hard worker but my kids need me on this day at this time and I'll do whatever I got to do to make it up and I'm here communicating that with you um but even drawing those boundaries with my own children you know they have a tendency to think that we are the end all be all for them and you kno
w drawing those boundaries in the sand and being like look I am going to school to make your life better to make all of our life was better and that means I need your help doing the laundry you know three times a week or I need your help right now my kids um you know both of them cook now um and that started with them understanding that there are going to be some nights that I have to work late or I have to you know work on homework or the dissertation or whatever and even when I was working on
a bachelor's degree um and I had a little one at home and I was a single mom helping my child understand you might not get quantity with me but you're going to get quality so when I am with you I'm not on my phone I'm not you know watching TV I'm spending all that time with you doing whatever you want to do that day whether it be going to the park or coloring or whatever them learning to understand those boundaries is really important and I think it's helped me as a mom but I also think it's hel
ped them as they grow um and they understanding whether it be interacting with their own teachers like under understanding boundaries of someone who's balancing a lot of things absolutely and and and it helps them to learn how to self Advocate um it helps them to um understand Independence um with a with a with a net there right that yes but but I am able to do some of these things the other thing that I think it really does is it shows our children um that we take time with them seriously that
it's not just I'm here all the time but not really engaged right but I'm being very intentional um and that it it's an intentional Choice as opposed to I feel like I have to be here because that's what it means to be a mom but I'm intentionally choosing to engage with you in a unique way and they don't understand that it has to be very clearly explained to them but once I explained it to them that light bulb moment went off and so having that conversation with them but then also repeating that c
onversation anytime they're like can you do X Y and Z you know explaining to them the intentionality of the quality time that I'm spending with them um we would also set kind of like celebration benchmarks throughout the degree and so like when Mommy gets this thing accomplished whether it be like the end of the semester or big paper that's due or whatever you get to pick what we're going to go do together um and like I remember my son he loves being outdoors and so like there was a a a state pa
rt within an hour's Drive of us that we had never gone exploring before and so like he wanted to go on a hike and so so I was like okay I promise when this semester ends me and you are going on this hike together and so it kind of gave them something to look forward to um but they definitely have to have that explained to them real clearly you know I also think you're right it has it gives them something to look forward to but don't you think it also um helps them feel a part of the education th
at that that like they understand that yes I'm getting the degree but it's us as a family working together towards this yeah that everybody has a role to play and so like we instead of having a chore chart or whatever like we used to have something we still have something something called team Meyers and like every player on the team had something that they had to contribute and so it was a reminder to them that you know this was a part of all of us and I I told someone the other day I've never
had a graduation ceremony without a child there my my oldest was two years old when I graduated high school and so I had a child cheering me on at my high school graduation a child cheering me on at bachelor's Master's and P PhD and to share that celebration with them um has always been really important and you know when people offer graduation presence for me it's important to have something that we can all share together so you know contribute money towards a family vacation because my kids ha
ven't been able to spend a whole lot of time with me over the past year or two and so you know that's the kind of things that I ask for for graduation wonderful I I love I love that idea of I think one of the things tww does that I absolutely love is the the family um graduation ceremony where the children will you know um dress up in the cap and gown and walk across with the moms and and to me that really recognizes that um that not only is education something that an individual embarks upon bu
t everybody within that that individual sphere is also embarking on that journey together um and we all benefit um from doing that so and I think it's such a great great way to positively impact our children that yes it you know showing them yes this is hard I'm working full-time I'm taking care of you I'm also doing this but the benefits to all all of us are meaningful enough for me to put in that hard work right absolutely so wonderful okay so um as you're filling all these different roles um
and responsibilities uh there's obviously a lot of Demand on you which we know is associated with stress so you know how can how did you as a working mother and what advice for other working mothers um how can you what's what would your suggestion be on how to manage your stress how did you manage it during this time um I I mean this part was not intentional by any means but looking back I can see like I survived and these you know there's a few ways I think that I was able to survive um one of
them is having moments that are just for you um which is very rare when you are going to school have kids working all those things so something as simple as like picking out a podcast on the drive home from work or the drive home from school that I know my kids would not be interested in or maybe it's not appropriate for my kids which is one of my favorites um you know something that's just for me and not having to interact with anyone um no phone calls nothing um no checking in on anyone so lik
e that 15 minute commute is just for me to pick some podcast for me to listen to and to just giggle and laugh um and unplug from all the other moving parts of my life um so that was like one of them um I had a a professor who mentored me through the master's degree and then um on the doctoral degree at a different University one of my committee members so master's degree and PhD I had two different professors who kept telling me the same thing and it was so annoying every time I'd get stressed o
ut and I would vent about it in an email or talk to them about it they would say you just need to go on a walk and I was like that's so irritating a walk is not going to fix my situation but looking back on it now every time I'd go on a walk and I would choose not to make a phone call not to text not to be on social media and I would just unplug from everything I would come back feeling refreshed and ready to face whatever um I had been dealing with and so you know just being able to unplug and
go on those walks I don't know what it is about moving your body and it helps your brain process it but again it it felt like something that was just for me um there were times you know i' get the kids and I'd be like walks are great for kids walks are healthy let's get them out from behind the TV or whatever and I would have to let go of that m mom guilt and say nope I'm doing this one just for me this walk is just for me no dog no kids nothing um and I think that that was really beneficial to
me so finding those just little niche moments to do something tiny for me was really helpful I would need that to restore ourselves yeah um we need that to replenish ourselves so that we can um continue to fulfill all the roles and you know and manage that stress um so absolutely great great advice if it was annoying so um can you give an example of an instance in which the multiple roles that you were juggling were in Conflict um how did you handle that situation I I think one of the moments th
at I felt some conflict strangely enough came with um not my smaller family like my kids my husband my my extended family so I come from a very big family and we do a lot of things together and you know I would call favors and to my mom or you know um family to help me out with the kids when we were doing kind of things so I felt like this obligation to show up to everybody's birthday and every get together and all those things and um it was really wearing on me trying to keep up with work kids
college and and all the things that my family was expecting me to be at and I finally had to have a talk with um some of them that was like it's not that I don't care about you all and it's not that I don't appreciate all of you um but with everything that's on my plate you know I can't attend my uncle's 57th birthday party like it's just it's just not a priority for me and I I Adore that person and people are important and family is huge for me um but I can let him know that I'm thinking about
him I can let my extended family know that I'm thinking about them in other ways than showing up to an event um and and I think it ended up being the same conversation that I had with my children of I love you and you're not going to see me for the next two years you know which feels like a long time but I'm thinking about you I care about you I'm going to text you and check in and you know occasionally call or whatever but until this degree is done I'm not going to be able to attend every famil
y get together that we have and um that was really hard for me because like I said family is family is huge for me um and that was a struggle but that was again I think those boundaries set with love like understand that this is coming from a place of love and I'm not making a degree more important than you are as my family member but um my children are my priority and providing for them is a priority and if you want me to be able to provide for my children and not have to lean on family all the
time financially for support then you're going to have to be supportive of this degree and so those were the conversations that we had to have to kind of deal with that conflict and I and I love that idea of boundaries with love um and that's not NE not always just love for others but also kind of boundaries with kind of love and acceptance of ourselves and our own limitations right um and really needing to recognize that I can't do this all and no one can I mean like there's nothing wrong with
that um my my uncle will not feel once I have this conversation that I love him any less right because I didn't go to that one birthday party on that one day um you know you know the other times that I interact right um because their more meaningful interactions are going to demonstrate that love and that caring right and I think you know and you had mentioned being first generation you know especially when you come from first generation college graduate and um a lot of your family has not grad
uated college or attended College you know I can totally understand that the assumption is oh thinks she's too good for us now and I can get that I get it 100% and that's why the communication part of it was really important for me to show up to an event give a big hug I love you I'm so excited to be here just ah heads up you might not see me much for the next 12 months because of you know these are the degree goals that I have and it's really getting hot and heavy um but I can't wait to come ba
ck in a couple of years and see all of you again right and I think also being aware that um and I think this is true for family but it's also for employers um that sometimes there really isn't an understanding of what it means to be a student um there's the sense of oh well you're only in class for this many hours and and being able to say yes but as you can see these are the you know the projects that I'm doing but this is how it's going to benefit you right um and and I know personally um I I'
ve done some certificates um while while working and um you know I've been able to take some of the course projects and make them relevant to um either my family or my work position absolutely and then I feel like I'm kind of it's like two for one so I'm able to do this research or this study um or do this project but look it's going to make me a better mom because I'm going to be able to do this it's going to make me a better employee because I'm going to have these skills um and I'm going to b
ring that back right so so it's really a winwin absolutely for for all of us so uh you kind when you think of broadly um you so not necessarily just your lived experience but just more broadly what can families and un unities and workplaces do to support you know working others who are also students I think having very setet clear expectations and policies in place um because I've been at universities and I've been at jobs where they say one thing but the way they treated you were totally differ
ent and if you plan to to be accepting of someone who is pursuing a degree or someone who is a mom or doing both there should be some set policies and expectations in place and I think those are some of the best places that I've worked where the expectations were clear and they were in writing and I could referred to them as needed to make sure I was being the best employee possible I was being the best student possible but I was also meeting the needs of my family and um you know I try to do th
at as a professor in my syllabus saying you know these are what the University's policies are but these are my expectations that I have so that way my students totally understand the agreement that we have that is not you know um and I'm totally willing to do like a person by person because I understand everybody's life is different um but I think it helps everybody when there's transparency uh there and then I think the obvious one is flexibility right I mean you know doing it away with assumpt
ions doing way that just because someone is the first one to leave work every day means that they're less of a worker like you don't know what that woman might be doing after she gets the kids into bed at night she might be doing another two or three hours of work at home on her laptop and she's keeping up with everybody else in the company or you know at the University or at the school just because she's the first one to leave doesn't mean that she's going to be doing less work than everybody e
lse so that flexibility in our understanding and our mindsets but also flexibility in you know what we were talking about earlier like those remote hours I can multitask like a boss and so if I have to leave to go pick up a sick kid I can easily go home pop up my laptop and deal with my sick baby while I'm also getting stuff done like you asked me to and just you know have that faith in me that I can do that right and and I think that's so much easier when there's transparent expectations right
and you're you're being evaluated on your progress towards um clear expectations and goals as opposed to assumptions about what I am or am not doing right absolutely and that was something I I was let go from a job um I had just finished up my bachelor's and was starting my Master's and I had gotten a um GTA position which was like dream for me I was so excited about it because I was you know going to do my child care job but actually do this academic job on top of it and there were not clear ex
pectations about the meeting dates and the meeting dates kept moving around and things would shift and I kept going I have a child I have to get child care and you guys are setting these meeting dates during time frames when child carees are closed or you're doing it during holidays or when the schools are closed or whatever and so I just need like clear schedule so I can make those arrangements ahead of time and um I didn't put that into writing and hindsight I wish I would have emailed that in
stead of just saying it verbally and I end up being let go of the from the job because they said I was inconsistent um even though it was them moving the meetings around and so that was really frustrating for me and I think that was one of the first times when I realized before an I accept a job they need to understand that I have a child and that child care is imperative and are the hours of this job going to fit within that child care and if they don't am I going to have some flexibility there
and so that was one of those first moments for me realizing how important those clear expectations are and I think maybe that is one thing that we can do um as employers As Leaders um is to provide that for um other working mother um and um really other working parents um because of the multiple responsibilities that have to be sh yes excellent um what is your best advice for working mothers generally um without a shadow of a doubt I will always say build your village you know get your click yo
ur posy your crew like get your people and put them together because I look back you know we talked um a little bit earlier about how um you go into survival mode lots of times when you're trying to balance all these things and you look back and you're like how did I even function and I can easily identify one of the ways that I function was because I found my Village very early um and I think for me that came naturally because when I was working on my bachelor's degree I lived in family housing
on campus so everybody living there um had kids and then um when I worked on my Master's Degree I had moved out of family housing but I would seek out other moms on campus I would I pay really close attention to the conversations that were being had to see if anybody else had kids um and I would also um when we worked on when I worked on my doctoral program again there were a lot of mothers in that housing unit and so I would be the first one to like walk across the hallway hey I noticed you ha
ve kids the same age as mine my name is Amy nice to meet you you know if you ever need a sitter or you need some help with anything don't hesitate to reach out and then a lot of times they would reciprocate and be like same here because they knew they needed the village as much as I did and so there is no way that I could have survived without that Village of other moms who were trying to juggle as much as I did did and I think as moms we feel really guilty asking for help um we don't like to pu
t people out because we know how busy we are but if you're building a village of other busy moms then you get the opportunity to barter and trade like you know I don't feel as guilty asking you to watch my kids on Tuesday nights when I have class if I know I'm going to reciprocate that for you on Thursday nights when you have class or if you need me to pick your kids up from school one day because there was an emergency and I just happened to work 2 minutes down the road I'm okay with that becau
se I know you got my back when it comes to other things and um so having that Village my family was really really helpful very helpful but nothing was more helpful than having that Village of other moms who were trying to balance so many other things and we really needed each other um and it wasn't just you know the basic the you know watching our kids like it was other stuff too like hey I'm so I do not have time to run and go get milk and eggs do you happen to have half a cup of milk and a cou
ple of eggs right or um I know you're headed home from work and I forgot to pick up X Y and Z do you mind picking that up for me and then I'll make sure you know I give whatever I need to you so the village is the answer every time absolutely and I think that um not just find a village but finding a good Village um it is so important too and like you said sometimes they reciprocate and sometimes they don't and then you have to decide you know can I um you know can I continue um you know as part
of this Village be very selective about who you give your energy to Absolut very selective and I know sometimes it feels mean but it's not it's not if you want to pick that person back up later on in your life you know then then that's fine but if they're not being reciprocal and understanding the concept of a village because there's not there are some people out there who don't understand the concept of a village right Village is not one way the village is reciprocal you know um and so you know
it boils back down to boundaries and being willing to you don't have to cut that person off and be like we're not prin but you know if that person calls you for a favor then be willing to say hey yeah I'm totally cool doing that can you do X Y and Z for me next week is that okay and if they're hesitant or say no then you know it's time to just kind of back away and let some of that energy go towards something else right and and I think also looking at a village as um not just necessarily helpin
g you but but also helping your children I mean that I I know there were many times when um you know my group my Village um like when the kids would come over they would play they would entertain themselves together and so there was that time where I could kind of refocus and get some things done whereas had they just been by themselves it would have been probably more interruptions Etc oh 100% I know when I lived in family housing at one point in time like the moms would organize block parties
and you know during the summer evenings and go to the Dollar Tree and buy those little cheap glow-in-the-dark sticks and somebody would play music and the kid would all be out there running around and just one of the moms would be hanging out with them you while the rest of us were in there maybe cooking dinner or getting some school workk done or whatever um and it does it benefits your kids but I think it's important for your kids to also learn how to build a village I think in the age of soci
al media our children have lost that concept a little bit and so my children being able to watch me establish those relationships and understand that those relationship ships um were built out of love um for my kids but also love for other moms like I'm not building this relationship with you just so you can help me do some things I'm doing it because I also recognize that you're a mom and I know that I'm going to have time to help you when I you know when you don't have time and so um I think i
t's important that our children learn how to do that right and often times those are lifelong friends that will survive way beyond our children being BR some of my closest friends are are friends that I had um through my Village and now my children are grown and their children are grown but we still remain friends and so you know there's there there is that kind of you get something out of personally Beyond how it's helping you live your life it's a friendship and friendships um benefit us above
and beyond other relationships right and I think especially um for those of us who um are moms of girls um it can get nasty with girls especially when they hit the Adolescent age and my middle daughter has said like it was really cool to see you um have friends that were women that were really goal oriented and driven and you all didn't compete with one another you supported one another and none of you ever talked ugly about each other and there wasn't this gossipy kind of environment like when
you all got together it was all about well what degree you know what class are you taking or what are you doing at work or what research project are you working on or you know what what are you learning what hobby are what new hobby are you learning and like she was like it was really cool for me to be able to see you surrounded by goal oriented women that weren't competing with one another they were lifting each other up building each other and and in a sense you're role modeling how to be a f
riend but also I think as you said during those those years um when everything gets really it it can turn very negative letting them know that they can have a realist a realistic expectation that a friend is someone who will build you up not tear you down absolutely so I think that's a that's a wonderful way to to role model something um we we refer to that as kind of relational aggression right um that we tend to see more often in girls than boys um but um being able to role model healthy femal
e relationships and friendships is something that a lot of girls really need to see right absolutely I think one of the things that social media has done has also allowed for Less depth in relationship steps and so when we build these Villages they tend to be deeper um and more meaningful connections and I think that in a world of kind of separation or kind of surface level relationships being able to show uh the value of that deeper connection is so critical for our children um so what is your
best advice I'm getting all your adice here don't to get all of it here um specifically for working mothers who have made the decision to go back to school or to take that certificate course or to learn that particular skill what is your best advice I think it goes along the lines of the village right you know you've got intentionally build that support with people who would have reciprocal relationships but you know a village people talk to one another and I think the worst thing that you can d
o if you decide to go back to school is to isolate yourself because you're like I'm going to be too busy I'm not going to have time you know whatever the last thing you should ever do is isolate yourself so you know talk to your boss let them know I'm planning on going back to school how do you feel about that um you know talk to your family members I'm I'm thinking about going back to school are you on my team are you in the village are you willing to step in for me and babysit and pick up kids
and those kind of things um and then definitely not being afraid to communicate and Advocate with your instructors it's huge um you know I think about how vastly different my story would have turned out if I had not been raised by a mother who taught me to speak up um there were some things that have happened there was you know a time when my um child when I was a single mom my child's biological father kidnapped her for three days and I had no clue where she was um and I would try to reach out
and he would say if you call the police you'll never see her ever again it's hard to focus on your schoolwork when you're going through something like that and so you know I went to my professor and I was like look I'm not making excuses I'm just letting you know what's happening in my life right now and so if I am a little late with an assignment or something can I have a little bit of Grace um or is there any way I could take an assignment maybe shorten it down just a little bit because I nee
d to get it done but I also have this going on um you know I was dealing with some really horrible things related to violence and I went to one of my professors and said I'm struggling with this not making excuses I just need you to know what's going on in my life right now and she opened the world to all these University resources that I had no clue even existed um that was a game Cher for me counseling being one of them I didn't know universities offered counseling um and if I hadn't have comm
unicated to her what I was struggling with as a student as a mom you know as a worker then I wouldn't have gotten the help that I needed and so I think communicating your needs to people doesn't mean that you're making excuses and it doesn't mean that you're playing a victim it means that you're advocating for yourself you're advocating for your children um you're advocating for your educ and that's an okay thing to do um you know if you need some time off because of something that's going on as
k for it the worst thing they're going to say is no you know and you never know they might say yes take that day off and then take the next day off too because we value you you won't know until you ask ab and so you know that's again when you start to find out who is in your village and who isn't that Professor who was like you need counseling and it's free and I'm going to let you use all of next week's class to go to the counseling sessions to get your foot in the door like that Professor beca
me a part of my Village um and you know no she couldn't babysit my kid for me or pick up groceries for me but she made all kinds of recommendations of resources that she was aware of that I didn't know about and she would check in on me um and I needed someone who could do that and so I would definitely say um if my biggest piece of advice around that concept of a village is you can't build that Village without communicating and advocating for yourself and so don't attempt to do any of this in i
solation and and then you know understand that sometimes you'll be told no but then you're then you're able to make a decision right and sometimes by not asking we kind of back ourselves in a corner where there's only one choice right um whereas if we had M kind of stepped forward as advocated and asked we would have at least had the potential for some options right um and so we're really kind of not allowing ourselves to have as many options as we may actually have and simply just not be aware
of it right um in my experience I have found that even those professors or those employers that I really genuinely did not think we going to be supportive were actually some of the most supportive um it was a surprise every single time um but it was it was also because I had I I think built a reputation as someone who was gen genuinely interested in my education I was genuinely interested in being the best employee I could be like when you established that pattern right and when you go in and sa
y hey I know I will not have this project done by this point in time um you know can I have an extension or can I alter this this is what's going on no excuses but um I used to say I can never be told yes if I don't ask that's right that's right and that goes for every realm of your life whether it be with your family with your professors or your boss so what so as women we're we're socially conditioned not to ask right um and so what we're really suggesting is that we kind of have to step out o
f that um and Empower ourselves to advocate for ourselves right um and um I think then we have a responsibility as employers as Educators um to and as mothers that when we have the opportunity to give those options to someone we're we're really thoughtful in in in our decisions oh absolutely absolutely and the way I think of it is the more mothers that we end up getting through these college degrees and into the workforce the more chances there are of compassionate open-minded flexible employees
and employers and you know the people who are in charge now have been in our shoes um and it's one reason why I decided to go into to hire Ed is because I had so many professors be kind and loving and supportive of me and you know there were times that they said no I can't give you that extension but I can do this right um and that helped me understand things a lot more but it's one of the reasons why I wanted to become a college professor myself is because I wanted to be able to be that person
for it's my students one day right and I think it's what a wonderful way to kind of wrap it up and and conclude it is that um we are able to be um maybe not part of the closest Village but we can be kind of maybe supporting outposts for others around us and um we can um be uh chain fairs and so and as you're thinking about you know should I ask this um also realize that you may be um by not asking you may be denying someone's ability to be a change maker in your life um and that might be someth
ing that that's um such a posi positive experience for that employer or for that instructor um so yes they can say no um but they also um May really be wanting to have the opportunity to say yes right absolutely so thank you so much Amy for all of your uh your tips your advice but also being um being giving of your story um and I hope that that will be something that impacts other women who are considering uh taking on that additional responsibility um of schoolwork and um really being able to t
o see that it is possible to do and we can do it effectively yeah no it was an honor I had fun the mothers leading the way team shares the goal of identifying the challenges and opportunities faced by working mothers with leadership Ambitions through research videos blogs and social media our team is passionately committed to providing working mothers with resources to narrow the leadership Gap the mothers Leading The Way project is supported by the Jane Nelson Institute for Women's leadership a
t Texas Women's University this institute is dedicated to Preparing more women to take on successful roles in business and public service by providing education mentoring and networking mothers leading the way is also supported by positive leadership positive leadership is committed to empowering diverse women to maximize their leadership potential IAL through workshops presentations coaching and consultations check out positive leadership at positiv leadership.com [Music]
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