Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Anjelah Johnson-Reyes. - Wow. Nashville. I am so honored to be recording my sixth hour special here at the historic Ryman Auditorium. What a blessing. I've been doing standup comedy
since I was 24 years old. I am now 40. Aw, thank you for cheering for that part. I'm getting older. I'll be honest, having
a hard time with it. I thought I was gonna be the girl that no matter what age I was,
I was just gonna embrace it, like, "That's me. Yes, queen, yes." Turns o
ut that's something
you say in your 20s. Then you get to your 40s and
you're like, "Ooh, no queen. What happened? Oh no. That's too much eyelid." It's scary getting older. It's scary for women getting older because men, if you get
gray hair, that's sexy. That's salt and pepper, eh. Women, we get gray hair
and it's like, "Oh." "What happened?" That's not fair. I gotta start changing
some things about my life. I can't keep shopping at the
same stores I used to shop at like Forever 21. No, you're n
ot. Turns out that was a lie. I cannot be in line
behind some 21-year-old buying the same dress as her. She's out here living her best life. I'm trying to remember
to take my vitamins. We like the same dress
for different reasons. She's like, "Ooh, has pockets for my ID." I'm like, "Ooh, pockets for my Tums." You gotta put that down. Go to Ann Taylor Loft where we belong. Go to White House Black Market. Do a loop-de-loop at Talbots. Pass by J. Jill. Peek your head in at Chicos. And then go home
'cause your feet hurt. I'm approaching the age where I'm gonna start getting my clothes at the same place I get my groceries. Say I won't. You will catch me at Costco. Yes. About to get them Kirkland Jeans, them Kirkland socks,
that Kirkland body wash. Hey, this Kirkland Gang Gang, what? It's about to be my new Tuesday. I'm gonna start out front, gimme a hotdog and a soda for a dollar 50. Then I'll flash my VIP
card and bozy on in. I start with a lap of samples. Then I take my hair outta my pony
tail. Make a lap in the other direction. Round two. Hey, but if you come in for
a second sample at Costco, be warned. These sample ladies get offended. They act a type of way, if you
come in for a second sample, like they have been baking
from scratch all day long. Like really, Beth? Just gimme another chicken tender. Why you gotta do this? It's embarrassing enough
just asking for a sample. It's embarrassing, right? Because you have to pretend like you've never heard
of this product before. You
said it's a tender? And you dip it. Sure, I'll try one. I be coming up with lies
just to get a second sample. I do, I'll be like, "I'm sorry, can I get another one for my
husband is really hungry." Where is he, oh he's at home. I forget that I'm a little bit famous and sometimes people recognize me because one time I came
in for a second sample and the sample lady was
like, "I've seen you." I was like, "On TV?" She goes, "No, this is your third time." Mind your business, Beth. It's hard getting
older. There's too many acronyms
to keep up with now. Like my friend text me the
other day, she was like, TLDR. I was like, what's that? She said, "Too long, didn't read." I was like, "Oh, well, too
short, didn't understand." I know BRB and LOL, that's it. And I have come to realize that I am far too generous with my LOLs. LOL has become a common courtesy. It's just a thing you say. Like another common courtesy. If somebody's next to you and
they sneeze, what do you say? - [All] Bless you. - But
are you really
blessing them from God? No, it's just a thing you say. When your friend texts you and
they're trying to be funny. What do you say? - [All] LOL. - Did you really laugh out loud? No, you didn't. At this point LOL just means
I have received your text. If I reply to your text with LOL, at most, a little bit of air came out my nostril. If I replied to your text with LOL, this is how I read your text. Like it was funny, but I
don't know how to type back. If I reply to your text with
ha
-ha-ha-ha-ha, that's funny. If I reply to your text with bwa-ha-ha-ha, like B-W-H-A-H-A, that
means that was so funny I had to spit something out my mouth. If I reply to your text with
rows of ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I start using other letters like hhak-ha-ha-ha-q- r-s-t-ha-ha, That means that I said something funny and I'm really proud of myself. It's hard getting older,
but no matter how old I get, I will always be younger
than my sister, okay? I'm my sister's little sister. Any other little siste
rs here tonight? Little sisters. Dare I say the little
sister is the best sister? Probably because the
older sister is exhausted from having to raise
the rest of us, right? Because when mom was at
work, she had to cook, she had to clean, she gave
herself spanking privileges. My sister was stressed out
by the time she was 13. We'd catch her on the side of the house smoking those candy cigarettes. There was a dark period of time where she was going through
about six packs a day. Probably 'cause th
ose things
only had one puff of smoke in each cigarette. Those were some wild times, man. We'd be at the ice cream truck
ordering fake cigarettes, fake chewing tobacco. I was nine years old doing
lines of lemon salt on my hand. Wild. I am my sister's little sister. We grew up best friends,
we're still best friends. I talk to my sister like five times a day, which is great for me. Not so much for her
'cause she has a real job. And I call her when she's at work, so she answers the
phone in her wor
k voice. Hello? I go, "Hi, what's up?" Oh, nothing, what are you doing? I'm working. Dang, you work every day? All right then. Anyway, I was watching
this show last night. It was real good. But then I fell asleep and
I had the craziest dream. I was hiking up this mountain and there were these
little birds in my shoe that kept chirping at me. Then I get to the top of the mountain and grandma's house is there,
but not grandma from San Jose, grandma from Reno. And I was like, "Dang, that's crazy."
Anyway, what are you doing? Still working. Oh, okay, call me later. Bye. Then I hang up. Only she doesn't call me later,
so I have to call her later. But she's at work, I
don't wanna be a pest. So I give it like at least
an hour and I call her back. Now she answers the
phone, no more work voice. Now she has deadlines,
she has things to do. Now she answers the phone, "What's up?" Oh, real quick. Do you remember when dad
used to take us camping? Yeah. And remember how we always used to have those
Dorito sandwiches
with pickles in the middle? Yeah. Those are good, huh? And you'd think she'd be pissed 'cause I'm wasting her time. But now we're talking about
food and food is our jam. So she participates. Those were so good, I haven't thought about those in forever. I know, do you ever think
about Chef Boyardee raviolis? Yeah. Do you ever think about fish sticks? Yeah. Okay, I'll call you later, bye. If I ever call my sister and
she doesn't answer the phone, I automatically assume it was a m
istake. She left her phone in the bathroom, I should definitely call her right back. And if she still doesn't answer the phone, then I wait for the text message from her that says on a conference call, what's up? If I don't get the on a conference call, what's up text that I know for a fact she's probably being attacked and I should definitely call her until she answers the phone. But she loves it though. You know what I mean? Especially when she's real busy at work. I'm like a breath of fresh a
ir. Sometimes I call my sister and
we don't say anything at all. We're just on the phone and
my husband doesn't get it. He's like, "What are you doing? Hang up the phone." I'm talking to my sister. But neither one of you're saying anything. Yeah, because we're thinking about what we're gonna say next. I love hanging out with my
sister, we hang out all the time. Although it's been difficult
over the past few years 'cause of the pandemic. And I find it funny that everybody experienced it different
ly depending on what part
of the world you live in. Like I remember when things
first started going down in 2020, we were watching the news and it was like everybody
in Italy was dying. Everybody in Spain had
to stay in the house. Everybody in Florida was on
spring break, whole time. Just wilding. I don't even know if
they heard about COVID. Because they were at the
club every night like, ♪ Hey, I'm a savage, yeah ♪ ♪ Classy, bougie, ratchet, yeah ♪ And I was at home watching the news like, "Flo
rida, what are you doing? You're embarrassing us." I remember when things
started getting real serious and they were like, "All
right, nobody can go to work. Only essential employees." And first of all, let's give it up for any essential employees
that are here tonight. We thank you. We appreciate you, we
are grateful for you. Whether you were in the
ER or at Trader Joe's. It was a scary time, we didn't
know what was happening. And you put that Hawaiian
shirt on and you showed up. We appreciate
that. It was an emergency. I needed my honey sesame cashews. They said, only essential
employees can go to work. So in my mind, I was visualizing all these high rise buildings
empty, cubicles empty, offices empty. It did not compute in my brain that that also meant TJ Maxx was closed. Because I went to TJ Maxx
and the doors were locked. And I was like, "What's this?" They said, "It's a world pandemic." I was like, "Yeah, but at TJ Maxx though, isn't this essential? It is for me." Any other Maxxa
nistas
in the building tonight? Yes, Maxxanistas. We go to TJ Maxx when
we don't need anything. It's just a part of our mental health day. We just wanna go look at
stuff and smell candles. I feel good at TJ Maxx knowing that anything I
would ever need in life, I could get right here in this store. Whatever you need. You want a new outfit
with a matching purse? We got you over here. You want some random spices
you'll never find anywhere else over there by the lentil chips. You want some makeup fo
r 50% off? Yes, I do. It's probably seven years old. But it's Urban Decay for 3.99. By that point it has
urban decayed all the way. It's as if TJ Maxx was saying,
"Here, you throw this away." I love TJ Maxx. But they always get me at the end in that zigzag register line, right? Where they have all the last minute buys, all the things you didn't
know you needed in your life. I can be walking around
TJ Maxx for like an hour. I have two things in my cart. Then I start making my
way through the line
. By the time I get to
the register, 87 items. All right here in the home stretch, you start walking through, you're like, "Oh wow, candles, coffee mugs, dog treats, slippers, wow." And then the line starts moving too fast. You're like, "Wait, I didn't
get to see everything yet. Hold on. Excuse, I just wanna smell that candle. Excuse me, sorry about that." Oh God, no. Don't smell that, it's bad. Don't do it. Love TJ Maxx. The doors were locked, I couldn't get in. I tried. It's two o'clock. This
is getting serious. A lot has changed since COVID, globally on a world scale,
things have changed. But even individually in our own lives, we have all experienced
change in some way. Like I know people who
have quit their careers, quit the gym, quit their marriage. A lot of divorces in 2020. People were like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't sign up for all this." Actually, you did, till death do us part. Yeah, but every day though? We had some changes happen for us as well. Like right in the beginni
ng
of the quarantine lockdown, when everybody was losing work, my best friend and her
son moved in with us. And then what happened was
is they're still there. Yeah, we had said we didn't want kids and then we adopted a single mom. It's a blessing. They move in with us and now we look like we have our own big
love situation happening because from the outside looking in, it looks like we have
a husband, two wives, like I imagine when they first moved in, my neighbors were like, "Oh, that's nice. H
er sister's moving in
for a little while." And now that they're still
there, they're probably like, "Wait, that's her sister
or her sister wife?" And my friend that moved
in, she's beautiful. Just a stunning human being. So people would message me and be like, "Aren't you a little concerned having a beautiful woman around
your husband all the time?" And I was like, "No,
not even a little bit." Like if anything, she got
me to step my game up. She did because like when she moved in, I started doin
g that one thing. What do they call it, try. I started trying. I started wearing clothes with
zippers and buttons again. Hey, look at me go. I had to step my game up, not 'cause I was concerned
about my husband, I just didn't want the neighbors to think that she was wife number one. Her son Elijah, he was 10 years
old when they first moved in and he's used to being
parented by one person, a single mom who's doing the best she can. So he knew how to work the system. Then they move in with us and
now he has three
adults looking after him. He loves that part. And we all have a role in the house. Penelope is his mom,
she tells him what to do and what not to do because she's the mom. But if he doesn't listen, that's when my husband,
tio Manwell steps in. Tio Manwell is like the law of the house. Yes. And my role is, I'm the snitch. Say I won't. I'm the one that's like,
"Oh, are you supposed to be watching YouTube
videos before school? Hmm, that's interesting." I love Elijah, I'm very close
with Elijah. I'm his godmother, I'm Nina. So we have the auntie nephew relationship. I've been in his life since day one. Literally the day he was born,
I was in the hospital room. I saw his head come out
and go right back in. He wasn't ready, it was a long day. I love Elijah. We're very close, he's my godson. But something happened,
when they moved in, when our dynamic shifted to be
more like siblings who fight. And I realize we're both
fighting for attention. He's used to having his mom's
atte
ntion all to himself. Then they move in with us and I'm like, "My best
friend lives with me. We're gonna hang out every
day, this is gonna be great." So now I'm the thing in his way, but he's also the thing in my way. He doesn't have siblings so
he doesn't know how to share. I don't have kids, I
don't know how to share. So now we just bump heads. Sometimes Elijah and I will
have good conversations with each other, but other times I just see him in the hallway and check. I snitch on Elijah, but
h
e snitches on me too. 'Cause we have security
cameras around the house and he didn't know this at the
time, but they record audio. I got a notification on my phone that there was motion in the backyard. So I click on it, "What's this?" And it's him talking to his mom and he was complaining about me. I'll tell you guys what
happened right before that. Give you a little bit of backstory. We were in the kitchen. He had just popped off at the
mouth, was given an attitude. So I was like, "Okay, me to
o." So she took him in the backyard to word him up and be
like, "What are you doing? You can't be given an attitude,"
like something like that. I missed the beginning
of the conversation. By the time I click on it, all I hear is him telling his mom, "Oh yeah, well why does
Nina gotta be sarcastic?" And little does he know my sarcasm is what paid for this house. So you're welcome. But now I have to chime
in on my camera speaker. Oh yeah, I'm sarcastic,
that hurt your feelings? Oh well, if Nina st
ops being sarcastic, you start being homeless. We had another big change happen for us. 'Cause I was born and
raised in California. Spent my whole life there. Thank you. So never did I imagine that
in the middle of a pandemic that I would be moving
to Nashville, Tennessee. Thank you. Listen, that's very kind
of you to cheer for that because I am well aware that people from Nashville do not like Californians moving here. And hey, I get it. Me either, let's cut it off after me. This is getting rid
iculous. House prices are through
the roof, traffic is insane, this is not the Nashville
I remember moving to. Learning a lot being a California
girl, living in the South. ♪ 'Cause it's different here ♪ I've learned when I go to a restaurant, if I order an iced tea,
it automatically comes with three pounds of sugar in it. Y'all call that sweet tea. We call it diabetea. Learning a lot. Very simple things like
when I'm in Los Angeles, if I go to a store and they're like, "Can I help you find anyth
ing?" I'm like, "I'm okay." And if I'm feeling really
friendly that day I am like, "I'm okay, thanks." That's it, that's where it ends. Then I got to Nashville. I'm at TJ Maxx one day. I can hear the ladies
in the row next to me. "Can I help you find anything?" "I'm all right, but thank
you so much for asking." "It's my pleasure, it's
a beautiful day outside." "Yes it is." "But they say it's gonna
rain about three o'clock. Make sure you get home before the traffic. It's gonna be a mess." "Bless
your heart." I was like, "Ooh, I don't
know if I have energy for the South." I don't know how to do it. Like who stops talking first? Then I look around the corner and neither one of them even worked there. And then somebody told me this. They were like, "Hey, when
people say bless your heart, they can mean it in a
good way or a bad way." And I was like, "What, like
how you do a bad bless?" And they're like, "No, trust me. Sometimes that's not what they mean." So now anytime somebody
tells me, "
Bless your heart," just to be safe, I reply
with, "Bless your heart." Yeah, I wish you would bless my heart. Bless it again, go ahead. It's kind of like the old
fighting words at church. I'm gonna pray for you. Oh, that's funny 'cause I'm
already praying for you. Yeah, you been on my prayer wall. About to lay hands on
you too, say I won't. Learning a lot. When we first got to Nashville,
we were trying to figure out what part of the city
we wanted to live in. Like where do we fit in? Where do we
vibe with, finding out this county has good schools, this county doesn't. This county believes in
COVID, this county doesn't. Where do we fit? And I would tell my friends, I'd be like, "Hey, I wanna live somewhere where I could get a lot of land." And they're like, "Okay,
you wanna head South." I'm like, "Okay, cool, co, co, co, cool. But I also don't want my
neighbor to be racist. So how far South?" You know what I mean? Like are we talking Franklin or Pulaski? Like how far? Because when you ge
t to the
deep, deep South, it's scary. I've seen movies. I'm not trying to do that. I mean if they have a TJ Maxx
there, I will pray about it. And I'm a good neighbor. Like State Farm, I'm there. I love my neighbors. I'm the one that has
everybody's phone number. And if I haven't seen you in a while, I will send you a text. "Are you good, do I need
to do a welfare check? I got your back." 'Cause I love my neighbors. Every holiday season I'm
gonna get my neighbors a gift. Not the whole neighborho
od, just the houses I can
see from a front window, because I love my neighbors, as long as they love me. And I know that's not
how the Bible verse goes, but that is my interpretation. This is not the new King James version. This is a new Queen Anjelah version. This is Anjelah 5:14. "Do unto me as you wanna get done." That's how you say amen in my Bible. You could come to my Bible study, it's on Tuesdays. Learning a lot. One thing I learned right out the gate is allergies are a whole
different be
ast in the South. Because when I live in Los Angeles, we don't really get all the seasons. We get summer and fire. So Zyrtec works just fine there. Then I get here, come to find out Zyrtec lost their
subscription or something, it did not work. One day I went to pour
the Zyrtec pill in my hand and the wind just blew it off. It was like, "Don't bother." It's so fun waking up every morning playing COVID or allergies. Do you guys know that game? where you wake up in the morning and your sinuses are
doing a weird thing and you're like, "Wait a minute, hold on. Am I dying or did I have dairy? Can I taste anything? Gimme some peanut butter, can I taste?" I was actually really lucky
for the first two years I did not get COVID at all. And then earlier this
year she got me loho. She gets around that one. At this point I know more
people who have had it than who have not had it. I know people who have had it
with no symptoms whatsoever and I know people personally
who have passed away from it. So
my heart goes out to anybody here who has lost somebody from COVID. I've been tested for it many times and the first time I got tested, my friends try to warn me about it. They were like, "Yo, it's intense." And it actually wasn't that bad probably 'cause they let me do it myself. Yeah, they gave me the Q-tip and they're like, "Okay, you wanna go all the way in your sinuses?" And I was like, "Okay. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. How about I just put it in my
nostril and I wiggle it a lot.
Can you test boogers? I'll give you some of those." The second time I got COVID
tested, the nurse did it and he went all the way up in there to where like my eyelids started closing. I was like, "Whoa, you're
manually closing my eyelid." He's like, "It's not that far up there." I was like, "Nah bro, you're in my brain like you're giving basic
commands at this point. Like if I punch you, it's
not my fault you did it." He's like, "Well I'm sorry." I was like, "No, no, no, don't apologize. Just whi
le you're up there, do you mind scraping out
some of my childhood trauma? That'd be great." Could you imagine if
that was a real option? Get your childhood trauma
scraped out with a COVID test. You'd catch me at the CVS
pharmacy drive through like once a week. They're like, "Can we help you?" "Hi, I'm here for my COVID
test also, when I was eight, my mom forgot me at the store." Another thing I've learned
living in the South is the bugs are bigger. Y'all got some Nashville
geographic stuff happe
ning here. Like in California we have
bugs, but our bugs are cute. Then I get to Nashville, I went to get in my shower one morning. There was a spider in my shower. Now this spider was so big, I thought I was interrupting him. I did, I went to open the shower curtain and I was like, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't know anybody
was in here, my bad." He was big, and he was furry too. Yeah, I didn't know if I
should brush it or smush it. I didn't know. He was so furry, he had dander. I need my Z
yrtec pill just
for the spider dander. I was like, "Sir, the Head
& Shoulders is right there. Help yourself." If I ever have to kill a spider that big, I am morally conflicted, because at that point that's a pet. Put a collar on that thing, that's Bubba. Bubba had plans that day. He was just getting
started, he's in the shower. That's messed up. If you ever have to
kill a spider that big, you could hear the crunch. And if you hear the crunch, you know that thing had a soul. That's messed up. I u
sed to kill any spider
or bug that was around me 'cause I don't like bugs at all. But over the past couple years
I have this new found respect for nature and insects. So now if I ever see a spider in my house, what I like to do is scoop
it up in a container, take it outside, throw it in a bush, and then immediately go like this. But if I'm left with no choice and I have to kill a spider, I now like to start with an apology. "Listen sir, I know you
weren't expecting this today. I'll be honest, ne
ither was I. Truth is I don't know you. You could be poisonous
and you could kill me. So at this point, it's either me or you and I have chosen you." There was this one night I
was home alone by myself, because that's what home alone means. And I was watching the "Night Stalker". Did you guys see that one? The documentary about the serial killer that was in Southern California
like back in the eighties. So I'm home alone watching this show. Super creepy, episode's done, I turn the TV off, and al
l of a sudden I hear
this on my front window. I said, "Nope." I ran to my room. I put on every piece
of clothing that I own. I said, "If he's gonna try to assault me, he's gonna have to work real hard." I don't have no weapons in the house. What's my self-defense weapon? Denim, three pair. After a while, nobody came in the house, but I kept hearing the noise. Finally, I go to the window, I move the curtain and I look outside and it's not a psychopath
trying to kill me, it was a mosquito the
size
of a bald eagle. Or maybe it was a cicada, I don't know. I never seen a cicada in my life. But everybody kept telling
me, "Oh, it's cicada season." Maybe it was one of those. Maybe it was a mix of both. Maybe it was a muscada, I don't know. Some Nashville geographic stuff happening. This was the kicker for me though. There was one night I was driving home and I'm pulling into my driveway and what do I see a
snake slithering across? That's where I draw the line right there. That's where I was li
ke, "All right, you know what Nashville,
bless your heart." This is getting ridiculous. I'm not a big fan of wild snakes. Pet snakes I'm okay with. Like if there was a snake right here and he came with a co-signer. Like he came with a guy that was like, "Oh yeah,
that's my pet, he's cool." I like that snake, that's a good snake. Him, I don't know him. He probably had that
snake since he was a baby. He probably just ate a baby. Pet snakes I'm okay with. Like, you know how sometimes
you go to a re
al touristy area and there'll be that one guy with like a hundred pound
snake around his neck and he's just walking around. He's like, "Yeah, you wanna
take a picture with my snake?" I'm like, "I'll do it." He's like, "All right, 20 bucks." Yeah, I don't need no picture. But the point is, I was down. I was gonna do it if it was free, because free is my love language. Learning a lot. Being a California girl
living in the South, I actually had my very first
tornado warning experience. And like I s
aid, I'm from California. We don't get tornadoes in
California, we get earthquakes. Now, earthquakes are scary for people who have never experienced one, but actually they're not that bad. To be honest, I will take an earthquake over a tornado any day. Like lemme tell you,
gimme a 3.5, a solid four. I will ride that quake. Like hey. But a tornado though, I don't
know anything about tornadoes. This is what happened. We were asleep, it was 3:00 AM. I get one of those amber
alerts on my phone, the
alert that goes off real loud. And I was like, "Okay, first of all, what child is getting kidnapped at 3:00 AM that they need to wake me
up to tell me about it. What VIP child is this that they think at 3:00
AM I'm gonna run outside looking for Honda Civics?" A silver one, it's always silver. I check my phone, whose kid is this? And it says, "Tornado warning, take cover now in a basement." Ooh, my heart started beating so fast. I said, "Oh my God, do
we even have a basement? I don't even know."
Because I'm from California, we don't do basements in California. That's dangerous, 'cause
there could be an earthquake. I wake up my husband, I was like, "Babe, babe, we got an alert on the phone. It says there's gonna be a tornado. We gotta go in the basement,
do we have a basement?" Now my husband is an army brat. He grew up everywhere. He spends a lot of time
in Kansas and he was like, "Oh, we used to get these all the time. Don't even worry about it. Just go back to sleep." To sleep. But th
ey just woke me up. I don't think that's what they want. He was like, "What county is it in? Oh yeah, that's like five miles away. We're good, we could
watch it from the front." He went back to sleep,
wasn't even stressed at all. I got up, I said, "Oh no,
this is an emergency." We sleep with one of
those sleep sound machines that plays like the rain sounds. So we were already in
the midst of a storm. We had our own storm going on. It was on surround
sounds, it was real loud. There was stuff blow
ing up on the windows, but I didn't even notice
'cause I just thought it was a good episode that night. I was like, "Ooh, this
one's realistic, favorite." I get up, I turn the sleep machine off and that is when we can hear
the tornado sirens outside. Then my husband, "Go, go, go, get up, go. Go, get up, go." What? But you said we can watch it. We both start freaking out. I'm grabbing things we don't even need like Windex, a stapler. Where do we go? Turns out we do have a basement. Guess where it
is, outside? Like we're in the "Wizard of Oz". We keep it locked for safety and we keep the key in the
junk drawer in the kitchen. You highly underestimate
what you consider junk until you're in an emergency situation. I don't know how you guys keep
your junk drawers at home. Maybe you're highly organized. I open up my drawer, I gotta sift through a bunch of dead batteries,
expired coupons, hella rubber bands. We don't even use rubber bands, but every time we get
one we gotta save it. Why? What
is so sacred about a rubber band that we can't throw it away. Whether it came wrapped
around the newspaper or asparagus, it's in the drawer now. And that asparagus rubber
band, that's a good one. Woo, we better save this. Got about 86 keys in here. We don't even have 86 locks. Finally find the basement key. We go outside, unlock the door,
get down into the basement. And that is when we realize that we are fully unprepared
for this situation. We have no emergency necessities
down there, no water
, no food, no batteries, nothing. Just me, my husband, and hella spiders. And they were all looking
at me real suspect like too, like they recognized me. "That's her. Listen ma'am, I know you
weren't expecting this today, but this is from a
homie Bubba right here." While we were trying to figure out what part of the city
we wanted to live in, my husband and I were staying
in a studio apartment. Now, I don't know if anybody here has ever lived in a
studio apartment before, but when you're young a
nd
single, that's banging. It's convenient. Like you'll be in your
living room watching TV. You're like, "You know what? I'm tired, I wanna go
lay down in the bedroom. Boom, already there. Convenient when you're young and single. However, studio apartment
living when you're married isn't real conducive to staying married. Because you have no personal space. Like at our old house, if we
got on each other's nerves, he goes to this room, I go to that room, we cool off, we're fine. Now in a studio a
partment, if we get in an argument
when we're done arguing, we just gotta keep looking
at each other's stupid faces. You know how hard that is? That is challenging. That should be a TikTok
challenge, do that one. And my husband's good looking, typically he's really fun to look at. But if we have been arguing, I will make all his pretty
features real ugly, real quick. I'll be like, "You know what? You see how your teeth
are perfectly straight and you don't need a retainer? That's annoying. And li
ke we get it. You have perfect bone structure. Honestly, you have no character
in your face, get a scar." If we get into an argument, my husband doesn't wanna
call it an argument, he wants to call it a talkament. Just the fact that he wants
to call it a talkament, to me, now we're in a full blown argument. He wants to call it a talkament because he wants to talk it out. Let's get to the bottom of it. Let's get to the root of the problem. And when my husband talks it out, he likes to talk in circ
les. Circles are his favorite shape. He likes to say the
same thing he just said, but a little bit differently
'cause he's talking it out. And when my husband talks it out, he likes to ask a lot of questions, questions, questions,
questions, questions. He thinks he's being inquisitive. I think that I'm on the stand and I need to defend
myself in a court of law. Questions, questions,
questions, questions. Yeah, I know you said that, but why? No, I know that's what you said, but why? I don't know
why. Yes, you do, objection,
badgering a witness. He's like, overruled. But why? No, I know that's what you said, but why? Because that's how I feel. Okay, that's your feelings. But what's your facts though? That's how you feel. But what are your facts
to support your feelings? Oh, you're stupid, that's my facts. And it's not that my husband is stupid, it's just that I don't
know how to talkament. I can start in a talkament, we're just having a conversation. We're both calm until he triggers me,
which is like sentence number three. And then next thing you
know, here come my emotions. They weren't even invited to this party, but they showed up
ready to say some stuff. The more questions he asked,
the more worked up they get questions, questions,
questions, questions. Next thing you know, here go
my emotions out of my mouth. And when I'm in an argument, my words come out like little shanks. He's over here trying to
talkament and I'm just like. And now I have a bloody
word massacre to cle
an up. Sorry, I didn't mean it. I was just trying to win. My therapist hates that joke. I am working on it though. I am working on my communication. I wish I could be more
like my friend Maya. She's so calm, cool, and
collected all the time. One day I asked her, I was like, "Girl, do you ever get in an
argument with your husband?" She was like, "Yes." She started telling me
about a argument they got in and he had said something to her and she was like, "Okay,
see, when you say that, it makes me
feel like what you're saying is I'm doing it wrong." And then he was like, "Oh no, that's not how I meant it at all. I'm so sorry it came out that way." That was their argument. I'm sorry, what? How do you do that? Like how many COVID swabs
do you need up there to respond like that? Like no emotions involved,
just clearly communicating. When you say that, "It makes me feel like what you're saying is I'm doing it wrong." Me in that same conversation. "Oh, so I can't do nothing right then. Wow, so
why you even married to me?" I am working on it. Living in a studio apartment
when you're married, things that are normally easy
are all of a sudden difficult like watching TV. In a studio apartment, you have to both wanna
watch TV at the same time. Then you have to wanna
watch the same thing at the same volume preference. Now, I don't know if my
husband is hard of hearing, but to him, if the TV is
not at volume 85 or above, it might as well be on mute. God forbid I bring the volume down to 65,
he will passive aggressively
put on the captions. It's his silent way of yelling at me. If my husband cannot feel
the vibration of every word coming out of the TV, not loud enough. And we watch different stuff. My husband likes to watch UFC fights and the Hallmark channel,
he's very diverse. He's into extreme violence
and Candace Cameron Bure. Me, I just wanna watch
anything murdery, rapey, those are my shows. All the crime shows. If there is not an
investigation to be had, a bad guy to be caug
ht,
a soothing narrator voice telling me how the woman's body was dragged behind the building, then I don't wanna watch it. I like all the crime shows, whether it's a network procedural drama like "Law and Order", "NCIS", "SWAT', "Criminal Minds", "FBI". Like anything Dick Wolf,
yes, I'm gonna watch that. But I also love the docuseries shows. "Forensic Files", "The
First 48", that's my show. And I travel a lot with standup. So a lot of times I go to cities that are always on that show. And I'll
arrive in that
city and I'll be like, "Oh my God, I'm in Dade County. I could totally get murdered right now." Like I get all star struck. My favorite one is "Law and Order SVU". Yes. Anybody watching the
spinoff "Organized Crime" with Detective Stabler? Let's talk about Stabler for a second. Christopher Meloni plays
Detective Elliot Stabler. He was on "Law and Order
SVU" for a very long time and then he left the show for 10 years and then he came back. Now I don't know what he
did while he was
away. I don't know what they call that, intermittent fasting,
protein shakes, keto. I don't know what he did. But when he got on the
scene, I got flustered. I did, I was like, "Oh my God Stabler, stop flirting with me." And the day after that premier episode, he posted on Instagram that
it was his 60th birthday. And I was like, "Wait a minute. Hold on. Do I have a crush on my dad's friend?" What, that's weird,
'cause Stabler can get it. Let's go 60. Watching TV with my husband is difficult, but
at least it's not
watching TV with my dad. That is a whole different experience. Like if you come to the house and you start watching a movie with my dad and they say way too many cuss words, he gets real religious. God forbid they say the
F word, he'll be like, "Oh, forgive them Father." My dad's the guy who
during an action scene, he is counting the amount of bullets coming out of a gun for accuracy. And the second they go over
the allotted amount of bullets for that type of gun, he has
someth
ing to say about it. You think you're just watching a movie. He's silently fact checking. "Ah, come on, 47 bullets on
a Glock, this isn't real." Really dad, the bullets
is what made it not real, not the zombies they were shooting. And why is it so awkward
when you're watching a movie with your parents and
a sex scene comes on? I am a grown adult and it is still awkward and my dad makes it even worse, because he gets visibly uncomfortable. He starts shifting around
in his seat, he's sweating, mum
bling things under his breath, like great, now they're gonna do it. Speaking of people doing
it, I have a story. When I was younger in my twenties, I shared an apartment
with my friend Vanessa. And her room faced the apartment
building across the way. Well, there was a couple in that building that they liked to do the
S-E-X with the windows open and the blinds open,
like that was their jam. So anytime they would start going at it, she would call me on the phone in my room and be like, "They're d
oing it again. Hurry up, get over here." And I'd be like, "Ew." And then I go running over there. But by the time I get there, they already started closing
the blinds and the windows. I'm like, "Oh man, missed it again." And not like I was gonna sit
there and watch like a creeper. But it is kind of a sight to be seen. Like are you guys trying to tell me that if you were walking down the street in your neighborhood and
you saw your neighbors going at it in the front window, you wouldn't give it a
look. You wouldn't be just minding
your own business like. You won't do a lap. It's kind of like a car
accident on the highway. You don't want to see
a car accident happen, but if one is there, you're gonna assess the situation. Same thing, you see your neighbors going at it in the window, you just gotta assess the situation. Ah, we got a fender bender. Bender all the way over. Living in a studio apartment
when you're married, it's very difficult. But there is one good thing about it. I will sa
y this, one good thing, we could only fit a smaller
size bed in the apartment. So my husband had no choice
but to cuddle me at night, which I love but he hates because he says I'm the
hottest person alive. And to that I say, "thank you so much." My husband says, "I'm like a furnace." Any other furnaces in
the building tonight? Yeah, he'll get in the bed and be like, "Seriously baby,
you don't feel yourself?" We like to sleep with a bedroom
at Sub-Zero temperatures. Yeah, but I like all the blank
ets on so I'm nice and cozy with
my face a little bit cool. He likes no blankets on,
just skin to air contact, psychopath. I have to negotiate cuddle
time with my husband. Like he'll get in the bed
and I try to cuddle him and he'll be like,
"Babe, come on, it's hot. Seriously babe, it's hot. I can't sleep if I'm hot, come on." And I'll be like, "Just gimme
two minutes of cuddling." He'll be like, "Okay, fine." "Siri set a timer for two minutes" And if he even tries to pull away before that buzze
r goes off, I'm like, "Nice try, 30 second penalty." I got a tip for all
the furnaces out there. This is a tip, this is what I do. I go to bed first and I
pretend like I'm asleep like an angel. Then I wait for him to get in the bed, get nice and comfortable. This is the trick right here. You gotta wait for his
breathing to slow down. Right when it gets nice and slow, that's when you just spider leg him up. Welcome to tarantula's web. Try it. If my husband tries to tell me
that it's too hot to cu
ddle, I'll be like, "Okay, can
you rub my feet then?" And I'm very grateful because
anytime I ask my husband to rub my feet, he will do it. But it only lasts about two minutes. And then he gives up and then I have to tap my foot to let him know he's not done yet. Hello. Boo boo. It's not even time for
your first 15 minute break. Yellow. And then he starts rubbing my feet again for maybe another three minutes
and then he just taps out. And this is how my husband tells me that he is done rubbing m
y feet. He goes like this, "Ah, ugh" He gets the most aggressive hand cramp. Ugh, cancel all my plans this week. When I do finally get my
husband to cuddle me at night, he likes to whisper sweet
nothings, it's really cute. He'll say things like, I
just want you to get off me. It's so romantic. Living in a studio apartment
when you're married is difficult because you
have no personal space. It's like every time I turn
around, my husband's there, I turn around, he's right here, turn around, he's r
ight there. Like, "Whoa, weren't you just here? How'd you do that?" Every time I turn around, he's there. It reminds me of a song I know called "Total Eclipse of the Heart". You guys remember that song? Well, I felt like it
was time for a remake. So I wrote some new
lyrics, you wanna hear it? - [Audience] Yeah. - Okay, I'll do it for you guys. But here's the thing, I need your help. - Yes.
- I need you guys to sing all the turn around parts. Do you know what I mean?
- Yes. - All right, let's do
a practice round. Okay, 'cause only seven
of you knew what I meant. You guys do all the turn
arounds but nothing else. Practice round, here we go. ♪ Turn around ♪ ♪ Turn around ♪ That was pretty good. I'll be honest, I wasn't
expecting it to be that good. I don't know if they
sat you guys in section by Soprano and Alto,
but that was harmonious. Maybe you guys listened to
the song on the way here. I don't know, but it
was fresh in your mind. Okay, this is "Total Eclipse of the Heart" remake based
on my time living in a studio apartment with my husband. You guys do all the turn arounds. I'll do everything else. Here we go. I'll start. ♪ Turn around ♪ ♪ Every now and then I
get some time to myself ♪ ♪ And then you ruin it
by chewing too loud ♪ ♪ Turn around ♪ ♪ Every now and then I
reminisce of the times ♪ ♪ When I could pee
without you being around ♪ ♪ Turn around ♪ ♪ There you go again ♪ ♪ How did you get there so fast ♪ ♪ Weren't you just standing
right behind me somehow ♪ ♪ Turn aroun
d ♪ ♪ Oh my God, when will I
be back inside a house ♪ ♪ Where I can have more than one room ♪ ♪ Where you're not near me when I Zoom ♪ ♪ Where I don't have to hear you laugh ♪ ♪ That makes me wanna kick your- ♪ ♪ Once upon a time I
had a room to myself ♪ ♪ Now feels like a tiny motel ♪ ♪ There's nothing I can do ♪ ♪ I'm totally living in hell ♪ Nashville, thank you so much. I love you. ♪ So, get on my level ♪ ♪ Get on my level ♪ ♪ You trying too hard,
you're not on my level ♪ ♪ So, get on my lev
el ♪ ♪ Don't care what they say,
you're not on my level ♪ ♪ So, get on my level ♪ ♪ Game up, on my level ♪ ♪ On my level ♪ ♪ So, get on my level ♪ ♪ Get on my level ♪ ♪ You trying too hard,
you're not on my level ♪ ♪ So, get on my level ♪ ♪ Don't care what they say,
you're not on my level ♪ ♪ So, get on my level ♪ ♪ Game up, on my level ♪ - Pause for a hug break. You guys, look what I found that my husband was leaving behind, a very nice picture of me.
- No I wasn't. - Just, who cares, right? ♪
Tell me for sho ♪ - Banzo has not seen it empty yet. ♪ When you moved and I got yo ♪ ♪ Fan base in a bath stall ♪ ♪ Trying take pics with
my hand, like dang y'all ♪ ♪ With some fam y'all ♪ ♪ No new friends ♪ ♪ My money tight, no loose ends ♪ ♪ This creed y'all, that loose ends ♪ ♪ I build ♪
- There's no train that's more than two miles long, babe. - [Anjelah] You know
the history of trains? - It's not, I've seen trains, I've been on trains,
I've never seen a train. - [Anjelah] So what do you
thi
nk this is, a pretend train? ♪ So, get on my level ♪ ♪ Don't care what they say,
you're not on my level ♪ ♪ We out here in the middle
of nowhere, Arkansas ♪ ♪ Game up, on my level ♪ - [Anjelah] If your best
pro shop isn't this big, are you even best pro-ing? ♪ On my level ♪ ♪ You're not on my level ♪ ♪ So get on my level ♪ - [Anjelah] We made it to Nashville. ♪ Get on my level ♪ ♪ You trying too hard,
you're not on my level ♪ ♪ So, get on my level ♪ ♪ Don't care what they say,
you're not on my l
evel ♪ ♪ So, get on my level ♪ ♪ Game up, on my level ♪ ♪ So, get on my level ♪ ♪ Get on my level ♪ ♪ You trying too hard,
you're not on my level ♪ ♪ So, get on my level ♪ ♪ Don't care what they say,
you're not on my level ♪
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