Today, I'm going to introduce you to a book
called "Rapport”. Its subtitle is “The Four Ways to Read People." This book focuses on how to establish a strong
rapport with others through effective communication. The authors of this book are a unique couple
– Lawrence Allison and Emily Allison. Both of them are experts in interrogation
psychology, specializing in getting suspects to talk during various interrogations. They have over thirty years of experience
in this field and truly live up to the
book's title, "Mastering the Art of Communication:
Building Powerful Relationships with Strategic Communication." You know, communication between interrogators
and suspects is considered one of the most challenging forms of communication in the
world. However, the authors' research reveals that
even in such difficult communication scenarios, certain communication techniques can have
a significant impact. Drawing from their practical experience, they've
developed a comprehensive communication gui
de, which has been adopted by international law
enforcement agencies and police organizations in multiple countries. The book we're discussing today is essentially
the "layman's version" of this communication guide. In our everyday lives, we often encounter
challenging communication situations. For example, how do you address a colleague
who has crossed your boundaries? How do you connect with your teenager who
locks themselves in their room and refuses to talk? How do you communicate when faced
with poor
customer service? These are just a few examples. The authors tell us that, in handling these
difficult communication scenarios, we shouldn't rely on ad-hoc responses. Instead, we should master a systematic communication
methodology to establish strong relationships with others in interpersonal interactions. This is the key to addressing problems at
their root. A strong relationship refers to a state of
mutual recognition and understanding between people. When two people are in such a
relationship,
communication and cooperation become much smoother. Whether you want to expand your network of
personal relationships, turn adversaries into allies, or extract reliable information from
initially uncooperative sources, mastering the art of building strong relationships is
crucial. It's not just a fundamental life skill but
also a vital professional skill. Next, I'll break down the process of building
strong relationships with others into two parts. The first part consists of univer
sal relationship-building
principles, and the second part includes four communication models named after animals,
each suited for different types of individuals. You can choose the model that best fits your
needs to enhance your ability to connect with others. Let's start with the first part, where I'll
introduce you to the universal relationship-building principles, which the authors have coined
as the "HEAR Principles." HEAR stands for Honesty, Empathy, Autonomy,
and Reflection. Honesty means
that in conflict situations,
we should not evade issues, sugarcoat problems, or beat around the bush. We should express our thoughts candidly to
others. The authors emphasize that honesty forms the
foundation for any strong relationship. Furthermore, when conveying our thoughts,
it's often better to communicate face-to-face rather than using passive means like emails,
texts, or instant messaging. These passive methods can lead to loss of
information and emotions, resulting in misunderstandings.
Now, let's discuss Autonomy. Autonomy means that during communication,
we shouldn't micromanage others. We should give them sufficient space to make
their own decisions and encourage them to decide independently. Psychologists have found that the more pressure
we exert on someone to make them comply with our wishes, the more likely they are to resist
or rebel. So, even if you strongly desire others to
follow your instructions, it's essential to grant them the freedom to choose. Even when giving
advice, it's crucial to include
statements like, "Of course, the decision is entirely yours," or provide several options. So far, we've covered Honesty and Autonomy,
and I believe these concepts are clear. Now, let's delve into Empathy and Reflection. Empathy is a term you might often hear when
discussing communication topics. It involves understanding the emotions and
values of others through perspective-taking. While some people may naturally excel at empathy,
others may require external techn
iques to become proficient at it. For instance, when someone shares their situation
with us, it's helpful to confirm their feelings. If a friend tells you, "I'm not sure if my
marriage will last," how should you respond? Should you say, "Don't think too much, just
live your life," or "If it doesn't work, get a divorce?" Empathy requires us not to judge others' perspectives
but instead respond to their emotions. You could say, "What's been happening? You must be feeling quite distressed, right?"
In this way, your friend might acknowledge
your statement, admitting that they indeed feel distressed. Alternatively, they might say they haven't
reached that level of distress but simply find themselves increasingly reluctant to
stay at home. Regardless of their response, you gain a better
understanding of their thoughts. This is the primary purpose of empathy: it
encourages others to provide more information, deepening the conversation. However, what about those "he wants to go
east, and I wan
t to go west" conflict scenarios? How can empathy be employed effectively? Consider this simple example from the book. Suppose your three-year-old child insists
on wearing a green dinosaur T-shirt to daycare, but it's freshly washed and not dry yet. If you respond by simply saying, "It's wet,
you can't wear it," the child might burst into tears and refuse to listen. Instead, you could use a combination of empathy
and autonomy. You might say, "Sweetie, I understand that
you love that T-shirt, and
it would make you unhappy not to wear it, right? But, this shirt isn't dry yet. I promise to dry it today, so you can wear
it tomorrow. Today, you can choose from another 20 dinosaur
T-shirts. That way, we won't be late. How does that sound?" In this dialogue, you first acknowledge the
child's feelings before addressing the issue. This allows the child to lower their resistance
and better receive your message. The authors found that when you want someone
to change their mind, this approach is o
ften one of the best choices. However, there may be times when you find
it challenging to empathize with someone. In such cases, you can't naturally understand
their thoughts or feelings. This often happens when dealing with teenagers,
for example. Let's say you've noticed your thirteen-year-old
son suddenly becoming moody, reticent, and spending all his time in his room with his
phone. You're concerned and want to talk to him. Some parents might call their child out and
directly ask, "What's wr
ong? Are you having issues with your friends?" The child may respond with, "No." "Is someone bullying you at school?" "No." "Did the teacher scold you?" "No." "So, is it... because of your recent test
scores?" At this point, the child might become impatient. They may stand up and tell you to stop being
nosy and that there's nothing wrong. This kind of approach is common but often
ineffective. Instead, the authors recommend using the "Empathy
+ Autonomy" method. For example, you could say, "I've
noticed
you've been feeling down lately, and you're not talking much. You seem to be isolating yourself. If you ever want to talk, you can come to
me anytime. I promise I won't yell at you or get angry. But if you'd rather not talk about it now,
that's also fine. It's your choice." This statement respects the child's autonomy
and offers empathy, creating a safe and welcoming space for them to open up when they're ready. It acknowledges their feelings without prying
or pressuring them. Now, movin
g on to Reflection, the last component
of the HEAR Principles. Reflection means that, after completing a
conversation, it's essential to review and reflect on what was discussed. Think about whether the conversation went
well and whether you achieved your communication goals. Reflection can help you identify areas for
improvement and make necessary adjustments in future conversations. It's like a debriefing process, allowing you
to fine-tune your communication skills continuously. Continuing wit
h the conversation between the
couple, after the boyfriend's suggestion to start by giving up late-night snacks, the
girlfriend responded unhappily, saying, "Yes, we can start with small things. Do you have any suggestions?" When the boyfriend suggested giving up late-night
snacks, the girlfriend became upset and said, "I work late every day, and I get really hungry
at night. So, do you think I'm getting fat? I noticed you've been chatting quite a bit
with Amy lately. She does have a nice figure
. Do you like someone with her body?" The author advises that when faced with such
questions, you should never answer directly with a "yes" or "no," nor should you engage
in an argument. Instead, you should think: Does she really
want to hear you admit whether you like her friend or not? What is she truly trying to express, and what
does she care about? For the boyfriend, an appropriate response
would be, "Listen, I know you're feeling a bit down right now and not very satisfied
with yourself. B
ut I have to tell you, my feelings for you
haven't changed at all. Even if you were to gain weight in the future,
I'd still only have feelings for you." This way, he addresses the girlfriend's true
concerns rather than just what she said. The author notes that interpretive summarization
is the most challenging among all feedback techniques. It requires a lot of practice. During practice, you can use phrases like
"It seems like you feel..." or "It looks like you care a lot about..." to make the o
ther
person feel that you care about and understand them. Having discussed the universally applicable
HEAR principles—Honesty, Empathy, Autonomy, and Reflection—it's time to delve into the
second part of the book, which focuses on developing a personalized communication model
for building rapport. The authors, drawing from their extensive
experience in observing human interactions, have identified four primary communication
models that individuals often fall into. These models are metaphorically
named after
animals: the Tyrannosaurus Rex, the Lion, the Monkey, and the Mouse. Each communication model possesses both positive
and negative traits. To maximize effective communication, it's
crucial to amplify the positive aspects while mitigating the negative ones. Now, let's explore each of these four communication
models in detail. You can assess which one aligns with your
characteristics based on their positive traits and then work on avoiding the negative ones. We'll begin with the Tyran
nosaurus Rex communication
model. The positive traits of a Tyrannosaurus Rex
include being candid and direct. They are unambiguous about their boundaries
and communicate their thoughts clearly. This approach ensures that others understand
their perspective and don't dismiss their concerns. However, some Tyrannosaurus Rex communicators
may become excessively aggressive or lose their temper during interactions. They might resort to sarcasm, reproach, or
intimidation. Such behavior can be counterpr
oductive and
hinder problem-solving. For example, the book's co-author, Emily,
exhibited negative Tyrannosaurus Rex traits when faced with a noisy construction site
during a family vacation. She angrily called the front desk to complain,
demanding an immediate resolution. The front desk promised to have the manager
call back but failed to do so. In contrast, Emily's husband and co-author,
Lawrence, took a different approach. He recorded the construction noise with a
tablet, politely approached t
he front desk, and mentioned their welcoming letter, which
assured a minimal impact from maintenance. Lawrence played the recorded noise, asking
if it aligned with a "minimal impact." The staff conceded that it did not, leading
to a more productive discussion. Ultimately, they relocated to another resort
with a 50% discount and bonus points. Lawrence's calm and objective approach proved
more effective than Emily's anger and aggression. The authors emphasize that emotional, aggressive
expressions
not only hinder problem resolution but also damage relationships, isolating individuals. To embody the positive Tyrannosaurus Rex traits,
aim for clear and composed expression of your thoughts, refraining from insulting or aggressive
language, regardless of the other party's behavior. Remember, the goal is to make your voice heard,
communicate your boundaries, and not engage in a power struggle or vent emotions. If possible, rehearse your statements with
a trusted person to defuse emotions, hel
ping you maintain composure in subsequent interactions. Moving on to the Lion communication model,
which differs from the Tyrannosaurus Rex. While Tyrannosaurus Rexes clarify boundaries,
Lions excel in providing explicit instructions and guidance. They possess strong leadership qualities,
making this communication style suitable for managers and parents. However, some Lions may impose their will
on others or excessively micromanage. This negative aspect can lead to resistance
and stifle independ
ent thinking. Ideal Lion communication involves clear directives
without being domineering. Encourage autonomy in minor decisions and
invest time in understanding others' perspectives. Use encouragement rather than commands. Leaders need not oversee every detail but
can delegate and nurture team members consciously. Additionally, the book introduces the Monkey
communication model, which can also be valuable for managers and parents. Monkeys exhibit positive traits like friendliness,
warmth, and
cooperation, fostering excellent collaborative relationships and team cohesion. To develop a Monkey communication style, the
book suggests a three-step approach: 1. Listening: Strive to understand the other
person's interests and values during conversations to gather more information about them. 2. Sharing: Share similar experiences, as research
shows that this strengthens bonds and intimacy. Find common ground in the conversation by
identifying shared experiences, such as vacations, work, or fa
mily. 3. Guiding: After the first two steps, leverage
the feedback techniques discussed earlier. Share your stories or experiences, focusing
on listening more than speaking. Remember that the essence of Monkey communication
is to listen actively and talk less. Aim for a 2 to 1 or 3 to 1 ratio of listening
to speaking. The better you listen and provide feedback,
the more others will share with you, deepening your understanding and improving collaboration. By following these steps, you can enhance
your communication effectiveness and develop positive relationships. The Monkey communication model emphasizes
the power of active listening, making the conversation more meaningful and productive. However, friendly, warm, and cooperative monkeys
also have their shortcomings, namely, they tend to blur the boundaries with others. Whether it's parents with children, bosses
with subordinates, or colleagues, once the boundaries are lost, and everyone becomes
too accommodating, it becomes difficult
to address the issues, and management or cooperation
becomes challenging. So, while fostering friendly cooperation,
it's also essential to maintain clear boundaries. For example, with colleagues, avoid discussing
too many personal matters; with children, don't cater to their every whim, establish
clear rules, and set boundaries. If you find yourself trapped in a situation
with blurred boundaries and find it challenging to address issues with others, it's time to
incorporate a bit of the Tyrannos
aurus Rex-style communication. For instance, if it's a subordinate or colleague,
you can say that you value your friendship and appreciate the openness you share, but
you must point out the existing problems and then express your thoughts. The author suggests that although the situation
might become a bit awkward, it's better than letting the boundaries blur, and the problems
remain unresolved. Rest assured, real friends will understand
your position, respect you, and not take advantage of your
emotional connection for their convenience. If not, it might be time to reevaluate your
relationship. Next, let's discuss the last communication
style, the Mouse. Its essence lies in letting the other party
take control while being willing to follow and make concessions. The author believes that the Mouse is one
of the most crucial communication styles for building rapport. This might sound surprising, but it's a conclusion
drawn from thousands of hours of studying interrogation recordings. They
found that the best interrogators demonstrated
respect and humility towards their subjects, regardless of how much they disliked them
or wanted to bring them to justice. For instance, they once observed a "weaker
overpowering the stronger" interrogation, which vividly demonstrated the Mouse's advantages. In this interrogation, there was a petite
interrogator facing a burly suspect with a history of violence. The suspect had always been tight-lipped and
enjoyed interrupting interrogators with a
disrespectful attitude. This time, he faced a new interrogator with
a smug remark: "I know you've got a list of questions in your notepad, and your job is
to ask them. I know you're going to try and trap me; we
have nothing to talk about." Unexpectedly, the interrogator remained calm,
laid out his notebook in front of the suspect, which was entirely blank. He said, "I don't have a list. I just want to hear you talk about what you're
planning." The suspect smirked and replied, "Alright,
then. But
first, answer me this: why should I cooperate
with you?" The interrogator remained silent for ten seconds
and then calmly said, "The day the police arrested you, I suspected you were planning
to murder a police academy student. I don't know the specifics, or why you had
to do it, only you know that. I want to know the answers, not to please
my superiors but to protect the people. I won't force you to tell me; the choice is
yours." After a brief pause, the suspect said, "Since
that's how it is,
I'll tell you. But it's only to help you understand what's
happening in this country." Why could the interrogator successfully engage
the suspect in conversation? The author believes it's because he didn't
seek to control the suspect. It was clear that the suspect wanted to lead
the conversation, to be the Lion. The interrogator complied. He remained calm, patient, and humble, just
like a mouse waiting for the lion to enter the cage. We'll find that to be a positive Mouse, the
key is to utilize
the communication weapon mentioned in the first part, "Autonomy." Autonomy doesn't equate to weakness; it's
a subtle yet powerful technique. It allows the other party to feel in control,
which can lead them to let down their guard, offer information voluntarily, or make concessions. However, Mice also have some negative traits,
such as hesitancy, weakness, and reticence. If a manager exhibits these characteristics,
it becomes challenging to maintain order within a team or project. So, the author
suggests that while you can
let others take the lead in communication, you shouldn't appear weak. Use feedback strategies effectively during
listening to steer the conversation. When you need to demonstrate your leadership,
decisiveness, and confidence, you can abandon the Mouse mode and instead take on a positive
Lion or Monkey role. Alright, at this point, we've covered the
four communication styles categorized by animals. You may now have a clearer understanding of
which animal type you most
frequently embody and the areas for improvement and enhancement. The author emphasizes that, in terms of positive
traits, there's no single style that's "the most" positive. In reality, each communication style has its
place, and the key is your ability to adopt the appropriate style for different situations. Above all, these are the key points I wanted
to share with you from this book. It primarily consists of two parts: the HEAR
principles, which are Honesty, Empathy, Autonomy, and Feedback—t
hese are universal tools for
building rapport. The second part introduces the four communication
styles named after different animals. You can see that each style has both positive
and negative traits. To achieve the best communication results,
we need to amplify the positive traits and avoid the negative ones. If you find yourself intrigued by this book, we recommend obtaining a copy for further reading. Thank you for listening : )
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