push the [ __ ] pack off of the porch or break a pound down get the scrap if it happen to blow it makes around sounds [ __ ] cat on my lap push it back and go to toting r on my back and I'm black anding CRS they came back around like [ __ ] I got hey do I know [Applause] you huh are you you're yelling [Applause] [ __ ] thank you shut up I appreciate it no that's very nice of you I don't know I don't know if I know you or do we have a kid how does this work old credit thing I all that how do you
guys feel about that you okay yeah cuz you have good credit right yeah I like her she's like your interpreter she like fantastic you guys are adorable by the way love you guys I think you guys have like a garden at the house just for fun don't they just give you that Vibe like like have you seen our peppers have you seen the come outside I don't want to [ __ ] go go like they have a winery you know I want that I what do you do for work sir can ask sure I'm sales man all right well skip the winer
y but maybe like that's fine no you're cool what's your name ask yep all right I can see that I like you Brian I like your I like your energy I like your confidence I like all of it how did you guys me in class high school sweetheart [ __ ] get up for that that's amazing that's amazing High School sweethearts do people still do that right do people still do that where are you at right now are you okay okay I go High School sweethearts I swear to God he goes like this are you in Edibles what's go
ing on here you see my guy my guy's all sorts dude this isn't the Opera [ __ ] is this Brian was going to be here his [ __ ] Garden you see it though you see it fantastic how are you guys this is New Right four months four months all right cool you guys how did you guys be on a dating app there we go see got I'm a [ __ ] dude I know I but I can tell what you do for um moneya laundering close all right great I don't know is anybody celebrating anything anybody celebrating anything great cool all
right girl girl huh all right yeah I'll have sex with all of you okay relax yeah you think I'm joking I'll leave right Brian get up here take over it's now or never wow okay well I'll take my time how are you guys you guys okay all right she has the light on she's like this no girls night for you huh that's got you goty like that how did you guys meet you guys are you guys married or no is this your mistress or what's going on oh that's great that's such a Texas [ __ ] thing I don't know what th
at means you get it though I'm single I'm single now thank you very much yeah all right whatever [ __ ] talk to me after the show let's get it going why is that funny I don't know man when you're single now like in your 40s it's just not fun at all like you're in like the that gray period you know what I mean like you can't date people in your 20s cuz you look like a substitute teacher and then you can't it's true though for real I dated this girl she was 25 or she was 21 I was her hintch profil
e was all messed it messed me me up M me up by the way girls your filters stop you're [ __ ] everything up I can't tell I went on a date with this girl at Starbucks I couldn't find her for 45 minutes look nothing like [Music] her also Girls by the way we know you love to hike we know that oh my God I love the travel no [ __ ] you're my hinge profile says I love to watch TV that's it come get it girls you know what I'm saying like girls have girls have like girl you guys your profile pictures too
are hilarious like when you're either traveling or on some boat of some dude that you don't know from a friend of a friend that she's banging but it doesn't matter CU you're still having fun Tak good pictures and you're just like living your best life right every girl also has this picture boom this picture right here bam uhoh don't get it look at me you got look get right every go has this picture guys can't have that picture guys can't have in your 40s you have like I'm not like uh oh no it's
oh I'll show your dve with it's [ __ ] you know guys if you're in your 40s you know your you know your uh you know what your profile picture is here I'll tell you your profile picture is it's just you with your credit score that's all it is in and out yeah me and my lady uh we fought all the time all we did was fight that was our that was I mean listen everyone's like it's just part of a relationship and we did it like professionally in front of people we were you know what I'm soring like like
you would just fight in front of people and then you can tell they're they're uncomfortable you're like I don't give a [ __ ] cuz I got to get this out you know what I mean at church like you ever done that go go guy friends let's talk about them guy friends girls if you have guy friends [ __ ] you thank you you and your guy friends you don't know Peter no I [ __ ] know Peter [Applause] dud he's always he's always been there for me no [ __ ] here's the third string quarterback [ __ ] Peter's wi
th his helmet like this like time to go in no no no yeah right he's always like you guys fighting you you okay you want to get on my phone plan were you okay huh [ __ ] it Peter [ __ ] you [Applause] Peter right guy friends so he's there for me in a pinch he's also there for you in an inch [Applause] too we fought all the time all we do is fight all the time all the [ __ ] time it's the worst I used to have to like used have to like like we never towards the end we were never very intimate we we
re not intimate anymore because I guess she was [ __ ] Peter but hold on here's the thing guys you shouldn't have to like beg to be intimate with your lady I remember what it's a weird way it's a weird place to go woo do you know Peter cuz when we talk I'll [ __ ] end this [ __ ] right now [Music] here's what happened me and my lady me and my lady I swear to God me and my lady I used to have to like I felt like I had to like fall around the house to get some sex something you know something litt
le spice of energy something right I remember I would have to she was on her she was on her zoom zooms on her Zoom calls right you have to you have to I have to open the door [Music] like hey you're dra on right now sorry sorry sorry s am I in the back am I am I in the background sorry um I did the [Applause] dishes and uh I took a trash out and um sorry am I in it is that Tracy um and and I took the the the baby's the baby's asleep so I was wondering you know um and you said you'd be done in 20
minutes and it's been 4 hours um do you think maybe when you get done we could have some sex you think right she looks at me no joke and she goes you picked the worst times to have sex huh what do you mean I did all the chores like you said I did everything you told me to do where are we go where's the miscommunication here right where she goes you missed you you picked the worst times to have sex go give me the rundown where's the where's the calendar if you tell me Monday at 4: I am front and
center ready to go like a good [Laughter] soldier she would say to me too you know she she used say to me she goes you you never surprise me too you never you girls love surprises love them both surprises right I was like I got you candles from the Dollar Store Surprise we're broke like what do you want it's Tuesday she goes you you never surprised me I said okay you want a surprise I got sure yeah mhm yeah sure so what I did was um when she was sleeping I duct taped her eyelid shut and it just
started screaming wake up let's have sex [Applause] surprise I'm a romantic is what I'm trying to say I want love I want to travel I want to eat I want to eat trail mix you guys have a good trail [Applause] mix you [ __ ] chicks dude I swear to God it just gets harder and harder too I remember dude you know what's even scarier too is you don't know a person's like traits when you first go home with them like if you go home with them and like you're like dating for a little bit like uh like I st
ayed over at this girl's place this happened I'm not making this up I stayed over at this girl's place for sleeping I didn't know that she yells in her sleep man do you like does that happened no like but like we were sleeping I'm not swear to God I'm not making this we're sleeping she go like this get down this what you have company what the [ __ ] who's coming over you know how scary that is you just got get down oh my God but she was so hot that I didn't that didn't bother me do you know I'm
saying what you do for love the next night she was like Steve and I'm like what all right I had that in there and I shut up stupid I don't know young chicks too you guys have a lot of energy young young women have a lot of energy you guys in your 20s like you're just like just like like we just got out of the woods we're just here girls like in their 20s like that's it that's girls in their 20s Right girls in their 30s like move the [ __ ] out of my way and then girls in their Forge you're like
who the [ __ ] are you about 50 yeah and then 50 you're like that's [Applause] [ __ ] it's 60 you're like help me up and then [Applause] they a fact I right you you walked into that we're having fun we're having fun I like you guys I like this I think you guys are waiting for a banquet just waiting just for the next that's fine I don't know girls tell you man girls in your 20s she came in she came into my room um and they love eat food they love like like like anything just with the pizza or lik
e she came into my she came into my room and she had a bowl of ice cream with syrup all over it I'm like where the [ __ ] did you find this [ __ ] right but she came in my room she had a bowl of ice cream and syrup all over it and then she starts putting it on my body right she's like that's like SE sexy and I go [ __ ] yo what are you doing I have an amazing throat what are you [ __ ] doing stop right they have all the energy too right they have like the way they have sex like grinding just gri
nding right dude just grind grind guys face back like like like I'm old school like I'll just lay down and then fall asleep on you you know what I mean like that's my speed you know what I mean Netflix watch American Nightmare I'm all out it I don't know I can't keep up girls in their eyelashes too I don't know what's going on with the eyelashes girls where we what's going on with the eyelashes you guys always have a person like as a drug dealer you know what I'm saying you know what I'm talking
about girls like you know I got an appointment with Stacy at 12 right it's so [ __ ] clear your schedule cuz that's where I'm going and the your girls your eyelashes have gotten so out of control I want this girl I was with we were there it was really windy it was like girls we're not trying to have sex with your eyeballs you understand unless you're into that we're not that's not our thing okay I've never looked at a girl be like she's so hop you know what she's missing [ __ ] [Applause] Islan
d right what if guys had accessories like that like he needs more PE can or something I don't know I don't know I don't know that's gross I'm sorry how's your ice cream all right I walked into the how are you guys you guys okay you all right all right it's like a weird Uber ride right here love that it's like a ride share I don't know I don't know what's what's going on at the airport these days TSA can we talk about it why are these guys such [ __ ] [ __ ] like like they're more entitled than I
've ever met in my life do you know what I'm saying like do I take the laptop out or do I keep it in the the B right do you ever have to be a mind reader but you don't want to piss him off who the [ __ ] like Daryl Terminal 4 like you're like you know what I'm saying he's standing there I go do I take the do I I go do I take my laptop out I had a couple drinks it before I went on there and he goes this he goes did I tell you he take the laptop out I you [ __ ] [ __ ] dude you want this [ __ ] ju
ice dude you want this smoke Daryl and your blue gloves I had my daughter with me too I had my daughter I had a baby and a stroller [ __ ] at my daughter because my ex was banging Peter and I was like and I had my stroller he goes stroller goes through the X-ray I go are you [ __ ] nuts the stroller I'm not [ __ ] I'm not I'm not bootlegging black tar heroin Daryl so I put my daughter through the ex right I'm joking I don't know you know what's funny about TSA though it's like I did have a coupl
e drinks one time and you know I like this I like this move when you have to go through the X-ray thing this guy right here that's for you ladies there you are [ __ ] what are you guys on edals all right I'm so delayed tell you're at the water park I don't get it though why why is this the move you know what I'm saying like no man like you ever feel like less of a man going in there like this like you take all your [ __ ] off all youro everything's off everything comes off and then you have to g
o [Applause] this and I was junk and I L this I go take the [Applause] picture take it and then I got out with my socks on right I go you Pat me down [ __ ] TSA do you think he does that when he's at home too when he want to have sex with his lady he's like he's like all right put everything in the bin Bel wet everything look at me talk about this all right turn [Applause] around I don't know just weird who's got animals you guys got pets at home what you guys got two dogs okay what kind of dogs
you guys got a lab I love how happy you are about that the hell just I love he was wild boxer he did that with his tongue you didn't see like that energy sirer that's cool I have um I have a blueo pull he's great he's the best all right yeah yeah all right uh he's the best I love I love my dog the thing that is funny about um I I'll give you a fun story I went to I went to Petco and it's weird because I'm sad and lonely now so I bring my dog with me everywhere right so I so you bring your dog t
o Petco if you want to get him more food this is what you do I don't know if you guys know that just okay all right relax Brian Brian's so mad he's like we don't have a [ __ ] dog dude we have a garden if you want to come over your piece of [ __ ] right Jesus dude br's piss you hear that we don't have a [ __ ] dog dude move up [Applause] [ __ ] Bri trying to get it here's the thing is I I you know what I hate you know what I hate are you guys okay you guys good okay all right I don't know what t
hat means that mean [Applause] from Hawaii oh okay listen all right you get back from Hawaii you just picking [ __ ] up like this what else are you picking up other places you go to dudes no all right um no I like you you're fun uh no so here's the thing is I I have a blue noosed pit bull this happened the other day I was going to Petco to get more dog food and I don't know if you know that there's there's a do you have a certain person in your life that like talks to your animal do you know wha
t I mean they talk to the animal and then you have to be a ventriloquist some sort for your animal this H this is the first time it's ever happened to me so I go to Petco right and I go to Petco this lady Janice she's 1110 right right she comes up to me she goes hi I go hi right I'm trying to get into the door she goes she goes uh she goes coming in for dog food I said huh yeah yeah Petco right then she swear to God she looks at my dog and she goes like this she goes what's your name what's your
name that's the part where they look at you right isn't that the part where she's like you look at me and go what's his name she didn't break character at all she looks at my dog she goes what's your name like [ __ ] dude I'm trying to get in here to get dog food and I got stand here like an [ __ ] talking to Janice she goes what's your name I said my name is buckus I am talking now as I talk you like treats buckers huh yeah yeah I love treats what kind of treats you like all the treats [Applau
se] [ __ ] huh she goes well what kind of treats I don't know Pig ear depend of what I'm feeling that day you know I think I might be going vegan I don't know Janice what are we doing she goes do you like tennis balls yeah man I love it all where are we going I'm trying to get the [ __ ] door Janice finally I looked at her I didn't know what else to say I didn't know what else to say I looked at her I go you have great tits you ever get that she goes excuse you I said hey don't look at me he [ _
_ ] said [Applause] it it's a fact oh that so aggressive sound like a motorcycle we having fun right Let's Get Loose I uh I live in Fort Lauderdale now thank you I'm not bragging um okay um I live in Fort Lauderdale and it's funny because I live next to I think Jeffrey dber lives next to me it's a fact not kidding no I swear to God no one should have to hear this at 12:00 at night right you hear this right it woke me up I was ined go it gave me PTSD I thought it was hooking up with home girl aga
in right here then hear no no bows head and then he comes out the next morning he's like [ __ ] I'm like [ __ ] Jeff he's white got glasses real creepy but that's not the worst part the worst part is is there any Persian people here good let's [ __ ] talk about them um this persi lady next to me this pers lady next to me right I'm not when I tell you this I'm not making this up this is actual fact this Persian lady next to me she has um a shitty little dog a shitty little dog named Dolce Dolce r
ight and here's this dog this dog all does is it barks all day all [ __ ] day right all day this all this [ __ ] little piece of [ __ ] dog does it barks all day and his name is DOL too also name is something poor name it something like Corolla or something we both we both pay the same amount of money for these apartments why you need a DOL right but her dog barks all day long all day right here's how she calms her shitty dog down not make it up she goes this she [Applause] goes no [Applause] T
no right and I'm not manad enough to go over there and tell to shut the [ __ ] up you ever just yell out of your apartment I go don't shut the [ __ ] up shut the [ __ ] up right what the [ __ ] dude how annoying is that what is the purpose of that dog is that an emotional support animal that gives me emotional PTSD I was like how [ __ ] what is the point of that dog that's like a me and you Brian it's like me and you you came over to the house right you came over to the house and we're on his Ed
ibles right and we're just like and and right and we just what if we just went on the patio me and you and we just started going heyyy hey all right let's go back inside how much Fu was that good time right I don't know man animals are funny I hate cats who's got cats what you say yeah [ __ ] what the [ __ ] right I like him he's like get cats are funny to me because cats are the only living thing that actually scares you like a ghost do you know what I'm talking about like cats are like cats ar
e literally like they're like just like this and they just like they stare at you and they just like they just like like they're just uninterested and you're like are we fighting like the [ __ ] away from me I mean I was at this girl's place and this cat came on me the cats are like also they are very sporadic you don't know what they're going through yeah you know what I'm talking about I was on I was laying in bed with this chick I was laying in bed and this cat jumps on my chest like hey J on
me and I don't know if you know this when cats like you they claw the [ __ ] out of you how adorable is that right how how do I go like this you ever feel a cat's claws as you're sleeping you go like are you what like I'm being gutted like she goes that's when she knows she likes you peanut her cat's name is Peanut what a lazy ass name for a [ __ ] cat peanuts what was Dolce taken you [ __ ] hey cats take the cat I just want to [ __ ] that's why I want to let it know that how much I love it I d
on't know me and this uh this girl we were watching uh Magic mik the other night yeah what I do I want to be what okay I want to be a magic mic I do here's the thing don't watch Magic mic with your lady don't cuz they turn into a different person you know what I'm saying we were watching magic mik and then like uh Shanny Tatum has this move where he's like yeah what the [ __ ] is that right he started doing all right and I not kidding my lady goes are this [Applause] [ __ ] I go what the [ __ ]
is that I was like does that really work so I was at the club with my budy I was at the club with my buddy and I saw these girls I was like I got this i i w and then I she just leaned in and went [Applause] nope [ __ ] up honestly I swear to God I wish I was gay half the time I really do cuz gay guys are are there any gay guys here you got any gay guys all right right G guys have the best conf they have the most confidence gay guys are the most confidence don't they I give you example I go to I
go to this gym I Crunch Fitness I go to Crunch heavy gay in for Luder heavy heavy gay like heavy gay yeah stop heavy very heavy gay like um I'll give you an example I was on the stair stepper right doing my thing this guy walks in at 6:00 a.m. with a [ __ ] cape on on a Wednesday a cape a cave a C I'm not making this up a cave he comes in he opens the door by the way the confidence on this [ __ ] was amazing he walked in he he walked in he entered the gym like it was like like he was on Magic bi
ke I'm not kidding he walked him was like this and then just like all cap cap everything all it just like it was in his face and everyone was like I'm on the stair step I'm like what the [ __ ] is this guy's problem he came in and then he took his cape off cuz he didn't want to get it sweaty cuz I don't know if you guys know this you don't want to get your cape sweaty uh and he took it and he folded it and put it by his tical he's like and then when he was done he was like but he had super hairy
shoulders so he he was like he was like a botom but he could also double is like a someone's like area rck you know mean damn it what you want to go to the gym I'm [ __ ] I got pass this for I don't know I uh I had to switch gyms so I had to switch gyms I go to a I go to a better gym now um it's a fancier gym um it's called PL Finas and um what yes yep Jen are you familiar with it yeah where should you go to oh [ __ ] you [ __ ] you see how say such confidence lifetime [ __ ] me and Brian go we
play pickle ball that's right we have our own r is that like an Applause break what was that I'll take it whatever it was isn't pickle ball like the most like [ __ ] you play pickle ball for real all right okay I love you she's CL she like don't do it leave him alone he's not like Brian he doesn't have a garden okay no I like your energy what do you do for work can I ask yeah I'm an insurance insurance all right I'm moving on no it's I like it I like it Insurance you know everyone's got to have
it right you said it um no I do I do work out a planet final now and here's the thing here's the thing uh that's tough this is tough and this is the first day that I was at Planet fat right first day I was at Planet fat and um I when I tell you this is a this is honest to God true story right my first day at Planet fat right I take pre-workout do you guys know what pre you know pre-workout is right you take the Pre-Workout nice yeah so I take pre-workout Hawaii you take pre-workout Hawaii F you
bet bro looking man [Applause] no so I do uh I do I do plan of Finas and uh this happened to me remember you you were there where are you right now exactly all right you you're at home yeah okay I'm almost done we we'll get through this um so I'm at Planet Finas and I take pre-workout what happens is when you take pre-workout your body goes let's not go to the bathroom at the gym or I'm sorry let's not go bathroom at home let's go to the bathroom at the gym and I don't know if you know going to
the bathroom in any public place is the absolute worst thing ever on the planet and if you have to go you have to go I understand that but it's not it's not good especially at my gym because it has one stall and I didn't know that when you go to the bathroom of the stall it's you don't have to wear shoes or clothes to go to the bathroom cuz I looked to my right there was a guy in there fully naked right and I swear to God we made I contact he was I walk in I look right here cuz I go bath he go
like he's in there like just sitting down he go you know creepy that is you see that that's not the worst part that's not the worst part this is true that guy I saw that was was creepy gross I look to my left I'll just show you I don't give a [ __ ] there was a guy in the sink like this washing his nuts look at me Brian look right watching his in the sink in this [ __ ] sink in the S 6: a.m. ruined my whole [ __ ] year you ass 6: a.m. ruined your whole [ __ ] year right one minute you're having
fun opening PR next minute you're like right [ __ ] so gross right he's in there you know that sad purple soap they haven't play a Finas right it's just [ __ ] in there no he heard me he heard me cuz I feel like this he heard me scream here I go [Applause] no no oh no it turned into sha shank you ever seen sha Shank Redemption the light the light just trick go no like I was like I was being teleported no right he's in there he just all willing nail and just doing the thing he hears me scream he
hears me scream he hears me scream I go oh and then he goes like [Applause] this he was hey he hey I go [Applause] hey right I feel like I was at the zoo I was with like a c animal like I'm like are you hungry you want snacks okay I so gr all that's so gr all I scar I'm scared he goes he goes hey I go hey he what you what you see huh would you would you see I see see all of it all of it all of it you need a r can out my guy you have cancer and then he looks at me and he goes is it bad is it bad
yeah it's bad so I'm a [ __ ] I'll telling you I don't give a [ __ ] W yeah I'll tell you I don't give a [ __ ] so so I went to the front desk this is true I went to the front desk I go excuse me I go hi I go EXC come here come here there's a there's a there's a Wasing his nuts in the s I swear to God the guy in the back folding the towels goes like this he goes like this like this he oh he goes That's Steve you know this [ __ ] I need to get a lifetime membership I'll leave you on this uh I'm l
eaving cuz I'm going to go out with all these guys I'm joking I Haven never show but pick me up I um it's fine I dve my mom's here's the thing I uh here's the thing um me and my lady we did fight all the time we did fight all the time and uh it's funny about you guys you guys try to help us out in situations we don't need your help a lot of the time you know what I mean but you guys are always like sorry he's stupid he doesn't know what aisle he's in [ __ ] like that right you just always trying
to like help us so I gave you an example of uh where I think it went wrong with me and my lady so I got pulled over this cop pulls me over and he goes do you want know why I pulled you over and I was like no I thought that was your [ __ ] job why am I doing your homework he goes I pulled you over cuz you did illegal U-turn and I said um I said I'm I'm sorry I said like we always say like I'll never do it again right I mean like whatever so he goes he goes um where you coming from I said I'm com
ing from the comedy club I'm a comedian no joke he goes like this he [Music] goes comedian huh I said he goes uh he goes what kind of comedian are you justes listen to my face what kind of comedian are you I I started the panical I go I don't know what kind of cop are you what are we we doing I don't know spe fingers I don't know what are we doing he go he goes he goes he goes what kind of community I said I don't know I used to do impressions in my ACT Meanwhile my lady who's on Aderall and whi
te wine sitting next to me tries to help me out she goes yeah let's do some your [Applause] impressions I go what the [ __ ] is that that's just you doing you what is that he goes uh he goes all right let's see some Impressions funny guy come on see some Impressions bring him bring him at me I go yeah what can I get in my tackle box of fun for you officer what do you want he goes I'm like Mark Wahlberg he goes that guy's great I said yeah sure no problem come right up here we go [Laughter] [Appl
ause] ready why the [ __ ] you pull me on why the [ __ ] you pull me off hello hello no it's okay Johnny I got this why the [ __ ] you pull me off look at me you [ __ ] crying have you been at 45 toight hello where are you train at lifetime you [ __ ] [ __ ] do you know Brian he has his own car he go that's pretty good I said thanks he goes who else can you do I said what do you want what do you want what do you like he goes he goes uh he goes why don't you go ahead and do an impression of me wh
y you go do impression to me I I was like [ __ ] okay all right here we go I go uh w [Laughter] because that's pretty good so thanks uh thanks so so I I got a DI I'm done thanks guys I'm pretty [Applause] mad everybody he's so great I met him uh years ago in a uh restroom at plan of fitness and ever since then we break down get the scrap if it happen to blow it makes around sounds [ __ ] cat on my lap push it back and go to town down putting rap
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