Is it actually possible? What if there's some attraction there? Have you ever found yourself trapped in the, "friend zone?" This week on The Science of Love we're investigating attraction in friendships - talking to real friends to find out how and if you can actually make it work.
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Created by: Mike Bernstein and Matt Pittman
Director: Mike Bernstein
Producer: Matt Pittman
Host: Julian Huguet
Cinematographer: Yuki Noguchi
Production Designer: Flower Cole
Editor: David Sommer
Production Manager: William Cubbon
Production Coordinator: Rebecca Ma
Production Support: Daniel Herzog
Production Support: Ben Taylor
Production Support: Joseph Waggoner
1st AC | DIT: Loie Russell-Templeton
Gaffer | Cam Op: Andrew Finch
G&E Swing | Cam Op: Richard Card
Key Grip: Ryan Walton
Art Director: Tricia Robertson
Set Decorator: Marcy Silver
Makeup: Taylor Tompkins
On Set Sound Mixer: Ben Adams
VFX & Title Sequence: Cameron Clark
Post Sound Designer & Mixer: Matt Schwartz
Colorist: Trevor Durtschi
Featured Participants: Sherry Edwards, Jill Schrack, Alex Plaisance, Catherine Urbanek, Parker Marshall, Jared Delgado, Jennifer Bacon, Jessie Kahnweiler
Music:
Finding a Leaf in Your Girlfriend's Hair - Lullatone - Soundtracks for Everyday Adventures
All the Optimism of Early January - Lullatone - While Winter Whispers
Time Strain 7 - Rannar Sillard - Epidemic Sound
Adventure Music for Migrating Birds - Lullatone - Falling for Autumn
The Biggest Pile of Leaves You Have Ever Seen - Lullatone - Falling for Autumn
A Little Song About Snowdrops - Lullatone - While Winter Whispers
Here Comes Sweater Weather - Lullatone - Falling for Autumn
Look Up! There is a Perfect Gradient in the Top of That Tree - Lullatone - Falling for Autumn
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How do students react when high school boys are treated like women in Congress?? CLICK HERE to find out!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Km0tiHY94sQ
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Julian: Has it something that in your relationship
either of you have acknowledged at one point and brought up?
Participant 1: Sex? P2: Are you attracted to me at all?
P3: Like us talking about sex? P1: Us talking about sex together? Julian: Can guys and girls be just friends? Can they do it in spite of attraction? What
if you find yourself in the friend-zone? What about friends with benefits? As you can see
this all gets complicated, fast. Cross-sex friendships are actually shockingly recent
to
human history. It's really only annoyed us for the past one percent of our existence.
Only like a few thousand years. Before that, for the first 99% when we were mostly nomadic
there's almost no ethnographic evidence of men and women having platonic friendships.
But even though we're not wired for it, socially we are way ahead of the curve. Men and women
work together, learn together, and socialize together. So if you want to thrive in the
modern world, you better get good at having platonic fr
iends. Now at their core friendships
are social exchange, each of you has needs, and the trades got to be fair. When two people's
needs are very different one person usually gets hung out to dry. Now if you need someone
to be more than a friend, but they only need a friend, you might feel trapped in a friend
zone. What about if you're in a friends with benefits relationship and you develop the
need for emotional support and commitment, but your partner is just content with the
physical side. We
so often find ourselves on one side of the fence because we only know
what we need out of a friendship. But we never even think about what the other person's needs
are. So today, we gathered a group of male, female friends and had them take a crack at
awkwardly figuring it out. Julian: So we have here a board of needs,
and we want you to consider looking over all this in your friendship what do you need out
of that. P1: What I need from a friendship?
Julian: Yeah, things that you need from this
friendship. Go ahead, take your time, consider
what you want, when you do just put them in the circle alright?
P3: Okay! P4: That's an easy one.
P5: Criticism. Julian: So, what do we have? P2: Well I have a lot of needs.
P1: I picked money, humor. P4: Stimulating conversation.
P6: Dependability. P2: Optimism.
P3: Romance, in the platonic way. He's like a romantic guy!
P7: Keep me sharp and focused! P8: Criticism.
P6: An ear to complain to. P1: And healthy competition.
Julian: Since everybody was
such a pro at talking about their needs, we had them take
a stab at telling us what the other person needs out of the friendship. P4: Won't overthink it. I'll just throw it
on there because I could keep reshuffling many many times.
Julian: Have you ever considered what it is that she might need out of the friendship
before or was this the first time. P1: This probably would be the first time.
[laughs] It's kind of sad. Julian: Was it difficult to pick these five
out? P3: It was a little tougher
.
P2: I feel like in friendships it's this system of checks and balances where it's like alright
I want to make sure that I'm getting my needs met and I'm not really thinking about if they're
getting their needs met. So it was nice to be able to actually think about what Matt
does want from me in a friend, even if I totally ignore it. P3: I guess I never really thought about what he needs from me! I guess I'm just selfish!
Julian: Do you think most people only consider their own needs in a relat
ionship?
P3: Well now I'm thinking that probably, yeah! Julain: Alright Jared, Jennifer, what we have
here is two venn diagrams. The one over here on the left is what each of you thinks the
other person needs and the one on the right is what you each said you yourselves need.
Julain: So looking over all this information seeing that you kind of seem to understand
what each other needs, how do you think that affects your relationship with each other?
P3: I think that's probably why we're such good
friends and that's why it's easy being
friends! P1: That's why we're staying good friends!
Julian: Is there anything specific that you guys get out of male female relationships
that you don't get out of relationships with members of the same sex.
P5: Yeah! P2: Just a different perspective, a different
point of view. P3: Because I really don't know.
P1: We've had these conversations. P3: What's going through dude's brains and
I feel like Alex, what does this weird thing mean.
P5: In my female re
lationships I can be emotional and they get it whereas like I think of like
going out to lunch with my guy friends and they're like "hm, what's up man."
Julian: Why do you think a lot of people seem to have difficulty with male female friendships?
P1: Sex! P3: Sex, yeah.
P6: Self-control. P2: Sex.
P8: Because hormones! P7: Hormones, yeah!
P6: Yeah, I think really it comes down to a matter of self-control and respecting the
other person so much. P8: You don't need to try to stick your thing
in ev
erything. P7: Thank you!
P8: It complicates things! P2: Just because one person might be attracted
to the other person, you know, doesn't mean that you have to act on it, you know, if you
value their friendship enough. P6: That's the big part is momentary pleasure,
does that defeat long-term rewarding fulfilling relationships.
Julian: What we found was really interesting. Not only did almost all of these cross-sex
friends feel some attraction towards each other, they had openly discussed it and
then
opted to continue the friendship without moving into a romantic relationship. Why? Because
they realized the benefits of these particular friendships outweighed those of a relationship.
Julian: Are there benefits to just being friends that you don't get out of a relationship?
P3: Yeah, because there's less of a responsibility I guess.
P2: With boyfriends I feel like it's always, the relationship lets talk about the relationship,
whats up with the relationship, the next level. With you it's
like whatever, it just is what
it is. There's not a lot of maintenance that I have to do to maintain a friendship with
you besides just being myself. P5: I'm low-maintenance.
P4: In romantic relationships where there is sex involved a lot of times a lot of it
gets shifted and put heavily on sex. To where with Jennifer and I there's no sex involved
there is so much focus on a lot of these things that we both pick because that is what we
share together and all of the intensity stays right there.
P
2: I love that I don't want to have sex with you. I wake up everyday "Thank god I don't
want to have sex with you" so that we can keep being friends! And you're able to fight
you're attraction of me. P5: Yeah, I'm able to fight my attraction
to her that I can't bare. P2: Are you attracted to me at all?
P5: Yeah! P2: Is this a question? I just want to know.
P5: I mean I think you're attractive. Julian: Has there ever been an attraction
between you two? P3: I'm totally attracted to you, he's like
a beautiful person! P6: Just because it's there, doesn't mean
you have to engage in it. P4: And we are open about it, like it's not
something we try and act like doesn't exist because any time you try and suppress any
emotion or anything you're thinking it ends up just bubbling up and being even worse that
what it originally is. P7: I think just having trust and just being
open and just going with it, in todays time, you want a good friendship with the opposite
sex. Julian: Attraction only break
s a friendship
if you let it. Feeling attracted to somebody isn't your choice, but addressing it is. The
key isn't to repress it, but to acknowledge that it exists. Whether or not you confess
it to them, it's totally your call, but so is letting it stop you from having friends
of the opposite sex. So figure out what you both need out of the friendship by considering
how it looks from the other person's side. It's worth it for you to understand what's
in it for them. I'm Julian, and this has been
the Science
of Love! SoulPancake,
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Comments
The truth is, in 90% of male-female friendships, one person secretly wants more.
7:00 homie had his entire world shattered right in front of him RIP bald man
I am dying!!! "I love that I don't want to have sex with you. I wake up everyday and I'm like thank God I don't wanna have sex with you." I had to watch his reaction several times... I am an awful person.
Bald haired white guy looked mad at everything the girl said. FRIEND ZONE!!! He mad
the guy with the shaved head looks like he is interested in her romantically... You can see how nervous he acts. How he looks and watches her, then looks away again. Kinda losing his words or talking more shaky and quite... Look at the other friendship pairs: When one of them talks the other one is watching and listening and you can see the friendship level - equality in every way. But when you're in love, desperately, you often feel not good enough and you are very careful what you do, say and how you act etc. It's totally clear to see. I'm excited how this experiment ends. Still watching the vid.
Hey SoulPancake, I'm an English teacher and I just wanted to let you know that all these videos work excellent when teaching English as second language, they provoke though and conversation and they are a great way to create organic dialogue. Thanks for all the hard work.
I think the bald man is friendzoned because he looked very distraught from what his "friend" said lol
7:15 homie looks like he wants to say "YES" with all his might hahahahaha, but hes holding it back.
Alcohol will get the true feelings going
@ 5:32 You can just feel his pain 😂😂😢😢
The bald guy got friend zoned to the max lmao
All these people are just describing what makes a successful marriage.
Friendship is more special than romance.
Q: Can and Women be just Friends? A: Yes, if one of them is married, or they are not each others type.
The simple answer to this is "No, not if either one finds the other romantically or physically attractive". Yes, a mature person can keep their feelings in check and not violate that "friend zone" boundary for the sake of not alienating the other person, but as long as there is attraction on one side then the person feeling the attraction will always have romantic motives in the back of their mind. And, if the other person begins dating someone there will always be feelings other than "I'm happy for them". If you disagree with this you are lying to yourself, really. The best romantic relationships are the ones based on friendships that blossom into more.
after watching this and hearing them compare platonic connections to romantic ones... I had to ask: why not change the way we approach relationships? Why do we have to act so serious about it? Why not just relax and have fun wtih a partner and when talking about the day, a struggle, or sharing whatever, just CHILL and see each other as a parnter and team mate for life
I think in every friendship like this you have thought about it at some point but analyze the advantages vs disadvantages. Like I'd rather not go there in order to preserve this good dynamic. Unless there is potential for something serious in the long run, why ruin a good thing. I will say most of the male/female friendships usually go south once one of them gets a bf/gf.
6:58 ouch. ouch ouch. I think the thought is fine for friends, but the way she just said it seems a little intense.
Honestly, I feel that with age you get different views on friendship too. When you're younger and you're friends with people of the opposite sex I'm sure it's just because you have fun together and get along. I don't focus on gender or the sexual preferences of my friends, I focus on them and their personality and how much fun we have together.
You know, it's really weird. Whenever we're kids we have a lot of opposite gender friends than when we're adults.