Can We Fix Mexican Desserts? | Mason James | Standup Comedy at The Riot Comedy Club

[Applause] yeah I got quiet pretty  quick how's it going everybody how are we doing tonight we doing good my name  is Mason I'm 26 years old so that's not good good to be that age not good to  look like this and be that age looks like I've been divorced twice I don't have any kids but it looks like  if I did I'd see them every other weekend because I'm bald very tough being bald it's  horrible being bald but you know what they say about bald guys high testosterone yeah I don't  know if that's tr

ue but I'm running with it okay running pretty fast with it they say that they  say high testosterone causes hair loss I don't know if I believe it because the rest of  the hair on my body is doing pretty good if I took my shirt off you're like wow  that's a pale Lebanese man up there fully white unfortunately fully white I could  never commit a crime not looking like this be way too depressing to hear  my description right on TV can you imagine tuning into your local news  station we've got a s

uspect in the loose male mid-40s slightly obese receiving  hairline out to the field with you John yeah locals are terrified right now but  they're calling the muffin top killer only thing we found to see in the crime were three  Froyo Punch Cards all filled out cops say if they don't get them diabetes will all right let's  change this I could never be a criminal I have too much anxiety like if I had to rob a bank  I'd be so nervous about how loud to say freeze I feel like I'd walk in all confid

ent  be like everybody freeze freeze answer sir can we help you I'm like shut  up I've got a gun I'll do it I'll do it and some guys like hey buddy lines  back there I'm like sorry about that I looked down I forgot my gun this is the worst bank robbery ever  can't believe I took PTO for this I finally make it back to the getaway car  they're like dude what happened where's the money I'm like guys I'm gonna be honest  I panicked I opened a checking account I did the opposite of what we were  tryi

ng to do I put money back in to the institution I have bad anxiety  does anybody have anxiety here tonight there we go that sounds like  the not real kind um it's good it's good stinks I hate having anxiety stinks  some people have recommended I get a service animal for my anxiety but I already have two  dogs so I feel like that'd be weird for them if I just bring another one in they're  like who's he I'm like he works here okay it's a prescription animal right there you  guys are recreational h

e's prescription I noticed something about service animals  you don't see a lot of service cats out there I think that's because cats make people  more depressed yeah I don't know who's going through a tough time and it's like  let's get an animal that doesn't care at all can you imagine explaining the service animal  program to a cat I'm like you want to help people no I'm gonna go look out that window  pretend I don't live here anymore [Laughter] I love seeing a lost cat sign on the  street I'

m like that cat's not lost sometimes I call the number  I'm like whiskers is free okay you ever been to somebody's  house that owns a cat you don't even know they own a cat until 45 minutes just shows up does that weird thing  with his back you guys have a cat they're like yeah they're like  is it friendly they're like no it's got a gun on it right now you're like how  to get a gun they're like we're not gonna ask Texas it's allowed to carry oh I feel like if you  gave a dog a gun the dog about

cool I'll use it if I need it if you gave a cat a gun the cow bag  already have one told you I need more bullets okay I think a service dog makes more sense makes more  sense if you're going through a tough time if you're suicidal you have a service dog that dog's  like come on man you could do it you could do it if you're suicidal and you have a service cat  that cat's like come on man you should do it oh I want the place to myself you know I think cats stink so much we should use them as  reve

rse service animals you're too happy we give you a cat you love your job and your family  say meow here's a kitten I feel like they'd be pretty cool you see a veteran walk around the  service dog we're like sir how'd you get that dog he's like two tours in Iraq I'm like wow thank you  for your service see some lady walking around the service cat like ma'am how did you get that cat  she's like oh I used to clap on the plane landing but Felix got that figured out wow  thank you for your service Fe

lix thank you for your service I love when the last  part of the joke doesn't do that well that's fun that's fun for me thank you thank you man a little late  but thank you that was a loud noise uh I'm a married man any married people here tonight  [Music] there we go it's fun to be married it's fun uh yeah there we go all right yeah let's  make this about you guys uh just kidding I like being married my wife can be a little  crazy at times like one time I lost my ring and she was like I don't w

ant you going out  to do comedy tonight I'm afraid there's going to be a ton of girls running up to you I was  like you don't know how my life has been ever it's never been a problem for me okay I like being  married it's fun I think my least favorite part about marriage those all the photos that's  all you ladies want to do is take photos I'm not very photogenic I'm not  really in carcinogenic either okay struggle in both mediums but you get me on a phone  call I'll blow your mind on a phone ca

ll I got a great phone voice sometimes people ask my wife  what I look like and she's like let's give a call yeah people ask what my good side is  my good side's a t with four bars okay that's my good side my wife wants to have a baby  yeah and she wants me to be the dad so that's good step one complete I'm not ready to be a dad that's  what I tell her like I'm not ready to have kids and she's like you're never gonna be ready to  have kids I'm like that's what I just said so I'd run the same pag

e about that it's fun marriage is fun we're going through a  little bit of a tough time you married people know there's ups and there's Downs in marriage  we're in a little bit of a rough patch right now um she just ran a half marathon and  she's acting like it's the real thing so braids off she bought energy shoes for this half  marathon guys energy choose for a half marathon that's a product designed for triathletes  after they swim 60 miles they bike a thousand they're in a different state sh

e bought the  same product as them and they looked a lot like gushers to me yeah yeah so Night Before  the Race I did get hungry I did eat them caused a pretty big fight long fight huge fight  guess who had a ton of energy for that fight yeah yeah shoes worked serving size was two I  had eight at one point in the fight she said I don't think your heart's in the right  place and I go I don't think it is either I just had enough shoes to kill a moose I want to support you have to go support  your

spouse I don't recommend going to a half marathon though you're gonna  feel pretty depressed about yourself there's nothing sadder than setting your  alarm to go watch other people exercise I just kept on making excuses for everybody I saw like I saw a little kid running and I  was like whatever he's light you know saw a pregnant woman running as a big deal it's  basically two people running one half marathon I could do that right now 13 miles is a lot though I don't know why  you would do that

I saw a guy with his nipples bleeding I don't know why you would  do anything in life that could lead to that I love to fish I'm a big fan of fishing  but if I was about to get on the boat and they're like hey man your nipples might  bleed I'm like all right I'm going home not worth that I only got one life and only got  two nipples okay trying to use them wisely my wife likes fancy stuff she likes fancy restaurants I  don't like that you guys had fancy pizza yet yeah I don't like it I'm not bui

lt for fans I'm not  smart enough for a fancy Pizza we went to a place the other day my wife ordered a pizza with arugula  on it and I was like oh arugul is not a country that's what I thought it was you  could have told me you're going on vacation in arugula and I'd  have been like have a safe flight I hear it's beautiful there right  off the coast of cilantro you know turns out arugula is just cocky lettuce guys  cocky lettuce eaten by cocky people yeah that same restaurant I tried to order a

pepperoni pizza I  tried to play it safe try to order pepperoni pizza and they laughed at me they laughed at me for  trying to order the best selling pizza of all time they said we don't have pepperoni here we have spicy salami I go what's that like  they go it's a lot like pepperoni I go okay did the previous  20 seconds need to happen do I look like a guy that knows the  difference okay you know what kind of guy you're dealing with you're dealing with a  guy that just canceled a trip to arugul

a okay he's pretty upset right now  pretty upset I wish I had a tail yeah we didn't think this country was divided  enough for a let's go pro tail no tail okay on Pro tail I want to tell something to communicate  when your mouth doesn't want to communicate Count Me In can imagine you're at a crowded  bar guy bumps into you he's like hey man what's up we got a problem then he looks down  he sees my tail between my legs I'm sorry buddy I realize you're a good boy come here now my Tail's going craz

y and I made  a friend all without saying a word Count Me In a pretty docile guy I'm a  pretty docile guy like you could come grab the mic right now and be like it's  my turn I'm like yeah that makes sense never been in a fight before I don't  think I ever will get in a fight either especially now there's this new trend where  people are taking their shirts off to fight I'm not trying to lose twice you know once my shirt's off very few good options for me  I feel like if I took my shirt off at a

crowded bar to get in a fight that bouncer back all  right fight's over night's over and back no man I'm gonna fight this guy he's like no you're  not you're gonna get those moles checked out I'm not a doctor but that looks  like stage one of something the guy I'm fighting is like dude  are you sucking in I'm like what shut up dude I don't even get to throw a  punch I pass out before punch is thrown lack of oxygen the guy I'm fighting has to take  me to the ER I come too I'm like what happened

did I win he's like you did not you knocked  yourself out like this is the worst thing ever he's like hey man it's fine the good news is the  doctor took a look at those moles and they're fine it's not melanoma it's just unattractive you know it's good it's good to be with you guys  tonight it's very fun glad I'm spending my Friday like this yeah yeah there we go it's  good to be in Houston um I'm not I'm not racist yeah I feel like my face says otherwise but uh  not racist I love all the divers

ity in Houston most diversity United States huh yes yes here  we go not everybody clapped and I noted that um that's good I love all the diversity I especially  love Mexicans we have new Mexicans here tonight yeah there we go you can  always hear them that's good uh love Mexicans love you guys so much uh probably  my favorite race besides white for sure love y'all I love I love Mexicans I love the  food I love the culture I love the tequila but can we fix desserts what's going  on what's going o

n you finished a great meal it's like hey would you like  a soaking wet cake or a habanero popsicle I don't want to build a wall  I want some new recipes okay I don't care about them taking our  jobs I care about 14 milks and one cake people ask me they're like What's your immigration  policy it looks a lot like the show Top Chef recognize the boiler you're going home hey guys my name is Mason James give it up  your house [Applause] [Music] thank you [Music]