Cardiac American. Andrew Rose - Full Special

Thank you, all for being here. I'm so excited for this. I am. It's a lot of fun getting to do comedy. I love it. I love it. I haven't always been a comedian, obviously. I was a cook for 15 years. Right. It's the only thing I'm good at other than being like, I'm mildly funny. Which you just proved. (audience laughing) And I love it. I love being a cook I've learned a lot of things. Like, one. Women, you're a lot like grills. I don't know if you know this. You're hot and I'm not really sure how to

turn you on. (audience laughing) And if you don't pay enough attention to them they will burn your house down. (audience laughing) So there's that. (audience laughing) But the other thing that I learned, which I feel is more important, is if a Hispanic guy asks you to tell another Hispanic guy something in Spanish. Don't. (audience laughing) It will not end well for you. I learned so quickly that dude's name was not Señor Pendejo. Like, it was-- (audience laughing) --not a fun day. But actually

got to go to culinary school and part of my culinary schooling I got to go to Finland. And when I was in Finland I had to take a language class. Now, the language class I had to take was called Intro to Finnish. (audience laughing) Yeah. It's a oxymoron. right? We're walking into class like we're learning to start to stop or stop to start. What do we-- it doesn't make any sense. But I learn the language a little bit. mentioned that to this woman at a bar. And she said, "well, tell me "something

in Finnish." I said, not a problem. (speaking Finnish) She said, "what does that mean?" I said, what that means is, girl there's nothing I'd rather do than lay here and gaze into your eyes because they're as captivating as the Northern lights. Smooth, right. I know how to play the game. And she was like, "really?" And I was like, no. (audience laughing) I go, what it really means is, Hi, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Northern lights. (audience laughing) It's an intro class, I'm not supposed to

learn everything. Come on. But I graduated culinary school and started working at Whole Foods shortly thereafter. And anyone here shop at Whole Foods? Yeah, I'm not surprised if you did, you couldn't afford tickets. I understand. (audience laughing) That place is dumb expensive it is. So bad like each grape is about 14.95 (audience laughing) You go, I need a head of lettuce. So like, you're going to have to refinance. (audience laughing) It is bad and there's a lot of crazy people that shop the

re. I call them crazy, you all call them vegans. And-- (audience laughing) Are there any vegans here? Yeah. - You're saying. - No no no I'm just making sure. Y'all tend not to like the good things in life. So I'm shocked that you're here. (audience laughing) I'm whoa I'm joking. I'm joking, I'm joking. Listen. You live your life, be happy. It does not affect me. So I honestly do not care. But just letting you know. I'm never going to have as good a relationship with you as I ever will with bacon

. Just not going to happen. It's so good. But there was this one lady that came in. And I will never forget this lady because she was just a nut. And it's kind of interesting because she was actually allergic to those. And she came in and she was like, "can you believe this?" Now, she was looking at, it was a cinnamon, pecan cheesecake tamale thing that we made. It was really good. She was like, "can you believe this?" And I go, believe what? She goes, "can you believe they put "sugar in this?"

I was like, a dessert? You ever have a cake, pie, cookie. It kind of comes with the territory. What are you talking about? She was like, "they used to have "nice healthy options here." I was like, Oh, ma'am, if you're looking for healthy, that's not a problem. If you look back here we've got the salad bar. Homemade vinaigrettes, different types of lettuce. Anything you would like. She's like, "you're just not "listening." And I was like, you're right. It's like I'm listening just enough to where

you don't talk to my manager. That's about it. That is the key to retail, ladies and gentlemen. And she was like, "they just used "to have nice healthy options." And I was like, what do you mean? She's just, "vegetarian options." I was like, salad bar. There's not a pig on a spit. There's no grill. It's vegetables. Like, what are you talking about. She's like, "you're just too "young to care." And I was like, 2 for 2, you're killing it. Well if you need anything, my name is Andrew. Flag me down

. She was like, "well Andrew, "I know what I need. "I need something that's grass-fed, "non-GMO, no sugar, no nuts, "cage-free, no gluten. "What do you have?" And I was like, water. (audience laughing) A voice in my head was like, dude, tell her we got gravel in the parking lot. And tell her to get on. I was like, I wish I could man. But let me go talk to my manager. We'll figure this out for you. So I go in the back. I go, hey Chris, we have a customer upfront. And he goes," we have a guest." (

audience laughing) No, we don't. I go, we got a customer. And he goes, "they're guests." I go, dude, how often have you invited guests over to your house for dinner, and when they left you made them pay? It's like, that's a jerk move man. Like, that's not cool. Also, it's not good for the company's look. Because people come up and go, hey man, customer's always right. You got to fix my problem. At that point you got to be like, yeah but you're a guest, figure it out yourself. Like, that's not co

ol. I said, either way, let's go help this lady, shall we. So we go out and she had this tray of food. And she goes, "there's a fly "in my food." He's like, Oh I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry about that. How about this, you give us that tray of food. Go get a new one. We'll pay for it because that's our mistake. Shouldn't happen and it did. I'm very sorry for that. But I just need to let you know as a team member of Whole Foods that fly is 100% free-range, grass-fed-- (audience laughing) --non-GMO no

sugar, no nuts, cage, you know. I was like, nice man. that was good. You hosed me on the guest-customer thing but I agree with you on that one. So we messed up. I said, I'm going to walk this lady's groceries out to her car for her. It's the easiest thing I could do. And on the way out I go, ma'am, out of curiosity, why are you a vegetarian? She goes, "I don't like the way "that they treat the animals." I go, I understand. I go, I don't completely agree but I see your point of view, I understan

d. So put the groceries in the car and I shut the door. And I said, ma'am, I'm so sorry for that mess up. Please, come back and enjoy some more food with us. And by the way, I really like your leather seats. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) It seems like most of y'all got that. For those of you that don't know leather comes from cows. And not in a nice way. They're not out in the field like, I don't need this. (audience laughing) It's not how it happens. They're just out in the fields a

nd then poof and then you get a jacket or something, I don't know. (audience laughing) I don't think there's a pistol involved but I'm a comedian, not a rancher. Let me get past it, all right. But I stopped working in kitchens because I got into comedy. Started doing comedy more. Actually moved out to Los Angeles. And on the way out to Los Angeles, I stopped in Vegas for a little bit. And if any of you ever have an opportunity to go to Vegas. Pass on that opportunity. (audience laughing) I hate

that town with all of my heart. It is so dumb, time does not exist there, it doesn't. You go out at about 8:00 PM on a Monday and you come back in November. (audience laughing) You're like, what happened? And like, I don't know but you got a kid. (audience laughing) What? And I was driving around with a friend. And I never been there and then it started to look familiar. Which was weird because I hadn't been there. And then it clicked. I go, dude isn't this where they shoot Cops? He goes. "yeah,

it's also where they "filmed that show." (audience laughing) I go, we need to go right now. I'm so scared. I don't want to be here. No, I can't fight, we got to go. It was, yeah. So that's kind of what I was talking about. Man. But I moved out to Los Angeles. And when I was in Los Angeles for the first couple of years I lived in my car. And a lot of people knock on that. I don't really care. I didn't mind it that much. It's cheap so I live there. And it's not that bad. Obviously, not the best w

ith the women. It's a terrible pick-up line, just letting you know. And I'll never forget because I was in the front seat of my car. And I was kissing this girl. The front seat, I call it the den. And we're sitting there and she goes, "let's take this back "to your place." And I was like. yeah, it's funny you should mention that. If you were to jump out of that seat and scoot it forward. Look, a bedroom. So we never went out again. But when I was living in my car I was showering at the gym. And

when I was at the gym I ran into the dude that gave me like-- that signed me up and gave me my first physical assessment. To try to rope you in to go every day and all that stuff. And during this assessment which I didn't-- I was only there to shower. Like, that's it. And I had to keep dodging this dude because after the assessment he comes up to me. He was like, "how was that?" And I go, that was brutal. That was very intense, man. He goes, "all right, like what was "the hard part?" I go, how d

o you not know? You're the trainer. I go, it was probably at the end when I was doing planks and I was shaking so hard that you think there's an earthquake. Might have been that part. He was like, easy, bro calm down. I go, no. He goes, what was the highlight? And I said, stopping. (audience laughing) This is the highlight. Me and you chatting, I'm a big fan of this part of the workout. I love it. But I kept having to dodge this guy and eventually I just got tired of it. And I just walk in and I

was lying to him at first and I just started telling him the truth. And he still didn't believe me. Because I'd come in and he will be like, "hey man, "what are you doing? "What kind of reps "are you doing today?" And I was like, I'm doing two shampoo, one conditioner. (audience laughing) He was like. "No man, come on. "You're going to get that workout in, "all that fun stuff. "You're stretching? You're stretching "for your workout?" I'm like, yeah, I want to do the soap all the way down the le

g. And all the way down the other leg. He still thinks I'm working out. I haven't lived there in a year and a half but he still has no idea. But I had to move back because of COVID. COVID hit and I was like, you know what I'm going to move back to Oklahoma. Go back home be with my friends and family during this chaotic time. And I was like, also in case we got to rise up against the government. A lot easier to get guns in Oklahoma. (audience laughing) I tell that to my LA friends and they laugh.

And I tell that to my Oklahoma friends like, Yeah. (audience laughing) I was like I agree but not that much severity. Jesus. (audience laughing) But COVID kind of ruined, obviously, a lot of stuff. But for me it ruined going on the road. I liked to go on the road and make people laugh and do this. And it was bad and like I love going on the road. Because the last place that we were in, I thank was Alabama. We're in Alabama and we were in a Chipotle for authentic Mexican. (audience laughing) You

don't believe me And there was a guy in front of me and he was getting a burrito. And the lady behind the counter said, "would you like "white or brown rice?" And he goes. I'll get white rice. I go, you know man white is better. And he goes, Yeah. And I was like, that's not what I meant. (audience laughing) So that's not what I meant at all man Jeez. But speaking of racism (audience laughing) I heard not too long ago they announced that Harriet Tubman might be on the new 20. And I heard that wh

en they announced that 60 members of the KKK got really upset about that. And I was like, who cares? I was like, only 60. Let's keep it going, right. We'll just put Martin Luther King on 100. We'll get Malcolm X on the 50. We'll do Morgan Freeman on the 10. He's pretty dope. Hey, he helped Andy escape Shaw Shank. He's a great dude in my opinion. I'm just saying he's an awesome person. Obviously we're going to put 50 Cent on the quarter. (audience laughing) We'll get Jay-z on the dime. We'll do T

upac on the nickel and we'll get Kanye on the penny because he's useless. (audience laughing) Some of you will like that and the rest of you all have bad taste in music, It's fine. (audience laughing) But I had a lot of free time when I was traveling on the road. So I just like to read on the internet a lot. And I read online, I stumbled upon this website that's nothing but facts. And I found this one fact, and it said 20% of people experienced deja vu. Which is kind of a high number. And I also

thought like, I think I've read this before. (audience laughing) Yes, no. All right, cool. So I just kept reading these facts. like, did you know if 33 million people held hands they can make it all the way around the equator. It's true. Most of them would drown. (audience laughing) Some geography buffs, some not. It takes 3,000 cows to produce enough leather for the NFL for one year. And it only takes one to vegan with that piece of information to ruin a Super Bowl party. (audience laughing) A

daddy-longlegs uses its own legs to floss its teeth. It's an insect I think is OK. But my uncle does the same thing and the spider hates it. (audience laughing) Everyone, aww. He's my uncle, you don't know him. (audience laughing) Only 8% of people stick to their weight loss goals. And the other 92% of people are happy. (audience laughing) And I read this online too, only 20% of people experience deja vu. It's pretty crazy, right? (audience laughing) I read it. I think I've read this before. (a

udience laughing) That's the me-- All right cool. We're good. Put a can of Coke in water it'll sink. If you put a can of Diet Coke and water it will float. If you put a can of PBR in water, still tastes like crap. It's a terrible beer. It's called PBR. But it should be PPR, past participation ribbon. Because they tried but they're just not as good as actual beer. And if you like PBR, learn better. It's so bad. (audience laughing) I found this out too. Fish don't learn to swim in schools. Like th

ey just do it. They don't learn to swim in schools. Mainly, because they take online classes. I agree with you. It's silly, I know, I know, I know. But this last one is fun and I think this kind of encapsulates why 2020 might have happened. Only 60% of people wash their hands after they use the restroom. Yeah, it's true and the other 40% are men. (audience laughing) He's like, You're one of them. I know. Oh man, Here's a fun fact that you probably wouldn't have guessed when I came up here. I had

open-heart surgery when I was 16 years old. Yeah, I wanted my driver's license but, you know, get what you can. (audience laughing) I did, I had open-heart surgery. And I also got a pacemaker installed, it's pretty cool. I like the pacemaker because I feel like I'm part terminator. All my friends are like, "I'll knock "you out." And I'm like, I'll be back. You know, like. (audience laughing) But I got to-- and the funny thing is I actually had to get the pacemaker switched out not too long ago.

And I can't remember what the new company is that put the pacemaker in. But I wish it would have been made by Apple. Apple has all the cool stuff. They got the iPhone, Apple Watch, All that fun stuff. And in theory, it's theoretical, but you can download apps on your pacemaker. Obviously, it's not real but I can just imagine going to see the doctor. He's like, "your weight, blood "pressure, everything looks good. "Let's just give you a listen." He's like, (beat boxing) "What in the world is tha

t?" I was like, my new app. He's like, "app?" What are you-- I'm like, dude, it's heartbeats by Dre. (audience laughing) Maybe iHeartRadio. Who knows? (audience laughing) But I got it done. And I also got this, the open-heart surgery. And before you go in for any major surgery, they make you take a medical questionnaire. To make sure you're not going to be allergic to anything during the procedure. And the first question she asked me was. "Are you allergic to anything?" And I said, kryptonite. A

nd she goes," OK. "How do you spell that?" (audience laughing) It's like J-O-K-E It's a joke. Like, OK. It's early, I will let that one slide. But I go in for the surgery. Everything goes fine. (phone ringing) Phone. And I go in, everything's fine. And my stepdad knew the girl in the recovery room. And he was like, "hey man if things "work out, talk to this girl. "Might get a date out of it." I was like, dude, this is a terrible time to try and hook me up with a date. This is terrible. He's like

, "why?" I go, because I'm going to come out of surgery. And I'm going to be high as a kite. And I'm going to do nothing but tell her the truth. Which is not something you do on a first date. Am I right, sir? She's like, dude, you better-- what is he talking about. He's like, I don't know. We always lie at the first-- just a little bit. Tiny, tiny little bit. Like I've been on first dates and the girls was like, "Oh, "I got two cats." And I'm like, I love cats. I can't stand cats. I'm not a fan.

They haven't tested well. We need to discontinue the cat. My opinion. Either way. That's exactly what happened. I came out of surgery high as a kite. And I was just like, dang girl. Whoa. Your teeth are jacked up. What? (audience laughing) You can open bottles with those. (audience laughing) Call you Swiss army mouth, man. (audience laughing) There was no second date. Calm down. Sadly, ironically, broke my heart. (audience laughing) But I got this disease from my dad. It's a genetic thing. And

him and my mom got divorced when I was a lot younger. And like most kids would, I wanted them to get back together. But they couldn't because my dad was in love with another woman. And my mother also was. (audience laughing) It's also not true but she's not here so I don't care. She's at home going, my son's following his dreams. And I am, at your expense. Thank you, mother. And I think what happened was when they got divorced with the heart condition is my dad goes, "well I don't have a lot of

money "and I've got to give him something." Yeah, genetics. Thanks for the heart condition, dad. Really appreciate that. But I got my pacemaker. My dad got his, and my uncle got one later. I'm basically a trendsetter, I'm killing it. But they needed to get divorced, they really did because they met at a Burger King. Hold for applause. (audience laughing) Yeah, I get it. It's not an applause-worthy thing. And you all seem like a Carl's jr. group, anyway. So no worries. They did they met at a Burg

er King. My mom was high. My dad was drunk and then nine months later. Yeah. Welcome to my conception. There were french fries involved. That wasn't applause-worthy sir. You all were right. Wrong. But yeah, it was weird. And I asked my dad. I go, all right what happened? He goes, "well I got a chicken "sandwich." I go, yeah. And he goes, "and your mom got "pregnant." (audience laughing) It's funny because due to that, I'm an accident. I'm considered an accident. I don't care. It doesn't offend m

e to say that. But my mom gets mad at me all the time. She's like, "you are not an accident. "Stop it." And I go, mom, I am. It's not a big deal. Let it go. She goes, "you're not an accident, "stop it." I go, I am. She goes, "no." I go, was I planned? She's like, "so I was talking "to your aunt Kristin the other day." I'm like, yeah just-- you're changing the subject. Just let it go. accept it. It's not a big deal. But she gets mad at me. And I told this to a friend. And she goes, "you know what

, "your mom's right. "You are not an accident." I go, no? She goes, "no. "You're a surprise." Nah, They knew for about nine months. Wasn't that much of a surprise. They were shocked. Absolutely none. So I was like, you know what, I see what you're saying but I disagree. Because accident and surprise don't always mean the same thing. But like for instance, you've never been in a fender bender, jumped out, and then like, surprise! Gotcha. No. That's an accident. No one here has ever been to an acc

ident party. Exactly. You've been to surprise parties. Never been to an accident party. You can't switch those words out like that. And I go, and also, I have been to an accident party. But we called it my baby showers so. (audience laughing) People always pull back on that. I'm like, why? It's about me. It's fine, I don't care. And so it's true. I'm an accident. My mom gets mad at me. She's like, "hey, stop going "across the country telling people "you're an accident. "Makes me sound like a bad

mom." And I was like, well, why do you think I'm telling them? (audience laughing) Don't. I'm joking, ma'am. I'm joking. She's a fantastic mother. Horrible person. (audience laughing) I told this to my mom. I said, come out to a show. And she goes. And you'll get that she was like, "I don't want to get made fun of for "15 minutes." And I was like, mom, if that's the case, you can't come to any more family functions. (audience laughing) Tell me if I'm wrong. Like, we all go to family functions.

It's never like, hey, let's talk about the time that Stephanie got straight A's. It's like, no, let's talk about the time that Shelby fell down the stairs and hit the wall. The moment we told my uncle that I had a heart condition. He immediately started calling me, heart attack. Immediately. It's just my uncle. And I was like, actually that's kind of rude we prefer cardiac American. Just saying. (audience laughing) And I'm just like, whatever, mom. Just come out to a show. She's like, "well you

know what? "We work during the week. "Your sister's softball games "are on the weekend. "Try and find a good time for us "to come out." So all right, cool. So it can't be during the week? She goes, "no." I go All right. And it can't be on the weekend? She goes, "exactly." Those are all the days we have. (audience laughing) Did the president add a new one that I'm unaware of here? Like, what's going on? I was like February 29th is cleared up in four years if you want a pencil that one in. I was l

ike, just come out to a show lady. So figured out what I'm going to do is I'm going to get my mom's favorite car. It's '67 Shelby gt500 Mustang it's Eleanor from gone in 60 seconds, if you know. And by the way, my sister is named Shelby for a different reason. You named her after a car lady. Just get over it, it's fine. But I'm going to put it under a shipping container I'm going to pull back. I'm going to be with my mom. I'm going give her some binoculars. I'm like, you ready? "Yeah." I hit a b

utton. It's going to lift up. She'll be, and I'm like, I know, right? she's like, "what in--" I'm like, that's yours. She's like, "no." Like, yeah. She's like, "Thank you. "You're the best son." I'm like, I know, right? She's like, "yes." I'm going to hit another button and I'm going to blow it up. Yeah. (audience laughing) She didn't support me when I was in comedy early. So this is her payback. And I told that to a friend of mine. And he had the exact same reaction most of y'all had. Which is,

you should see a therapist. (audience laughing) You've got some demons fighting on the inside there friend. I was like, all right, all right. So i figured out what I'm actually going to do is, I'm going to pull up I'm going to give my mom the keys. Say, mom, this is yours. If it wasn't for you I couldn't be here. For better or worse. On purpose, on accident. Without you I wouldn't be following my dreams, therefore leading me to get you this car. So thank you. You weren't always at the shows. Bu

t when you were. You always tried. And that's all I could ever ask for. So here you go. Here's the keys. There's a couple of stipulations though. Can't drive it during the week. (audience laughing) Can't drive it on the weekend. (audience laughing) My name is Andrew Rose. You guys have been a blast. Thank you so much. (audience cheering)