[Music] we now return to Jeremy Piven as the Incredible Hulk you wouldn't like me when I'm angry I don't like you now Brian I need the TV why is rert wearing a top hat because Brian tonight we Su on the finest Feast of the television season it is the season finale of the cad wallers of Essex the what the cad wallers of Essex it's groundbreaking it's a British show about a wealthy family dealing with slight change Oh I thought that got canceled no that was the kadan of Aubrey Muse is that the one
where even the children mutton shops no that's the Whitakers of edgarton Crescent all these shows sound the same who's in this one Penelope Westworth Harrington who's that Penelope Westworth Harrington oh come on from the Royers of pbridge on TS her uncle was Steward to the Queen's privy she got plowed on a pile of hay in Game of Thrones oh yeah yeah she's hot you're an idiot like a guy who cheats on his right hand with his left hand I want to stay but I just got called back into the office wha
t do you want from me I'm I'm sorry all right just get off my back I'm out of here God it took me forever to get away oh my God no what have you done wait stop no please I'm begging [Music] you oh it's stop stting I'm going to live tweet the show and ruin it for everyone in other time zones I would like to learn to bathe myself everything I've ever heard is vexing oh oh this is the fastest moving episode I've ever seen oh wouldn't it be marvelous to be a part of a family like that ah I found tha
t chick in the hay anganga anganga Ang bu what is that what's happening Anga Peter what are you doing playing anganga it's the championship go away this is why Zillow estimates our house at $4 what the hell is unab Bunga two guys run at each other with mattresses and um that's kind of it stop explaining it to the dog let's do this [Applause] yeah stop it I'm trying to watch my program well Chris look mom's naked where you're creep no pea what's going on in and your Bunger you you imbeciles you r
uined my night I asked for one thing in this house Stewie just watch your show upstairs I didn't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV I want to watch my show oh now ste's having a tantrum huh come here sweetie screw you you little turd what's all that noise a do you want a hug from your big sister you've earned yourself a timeout young man are you stay in here until you can behave I hate you you always ruin everything God it's a family of idiots I
wish I wish I was never born not tonight rubbert I'm much too [Music] upset knock knock Stewie hey I just wanted to check on how you're doing buddy you put on quite a show last night I am done with this family they don't deserve me they're all just oh you dick you just came in to charge your phone sorry Peter's using all the outlets toast house whatever I'm going to be out of this place soon anyway what are you running away from home [Music] better what the hell you rebuilt your time machine I
thought you swore off time travel because you couldn't stop yourself from altering the past look Brian I need this machine to alter the past for the better what do you mean I loathe this family being born into it was clearly some sort of cosmic mistake so I'm going back in time to prevent that mistake I'm going to break up Lois and the fat man before they can conceive me Stewie it's one TV show you're overreacting it's not just the TV show Brian I'm tired of living with morons remember when I tr
ied to open that lemonade stand with Chris all right that'll be 10 cents Chris pull the man his lemonade I can't the lemonade tricked me and got away lemons your God's children and the fat man won't even let me celebrate a proper birthday happy birthday Stewie and here's your equal attention cake Peter yay oh come on yay double wishes one two and Meg's the biggest pig of all great the string broke again hey there tiny hands look Stewie I know you're angry about last night but you're talking abou
t erasing Your Existence that's crazy whose ringtone is Barracuda oh God that's frumpy Anne frumpy Anne does everything look I I gotta get this call but don't do anything stupid yo girl how you living all right Rupert prepare to time travel oh and by the way thanks for asking me if I wanted something from Subway [Music] to where am I this looks like my room but something's off oh that's right this isn't my room yet wonder what they're using it for oh my God he had a public access show live from
the shores of Rhode Island it's the fatty who drives you bdy Peter Griffin hey he hey douchebags we got a great show for you tonight Karen Washington from the Rhode Island Zoo and some rejected toys you're not going to believe so stick around or I'll come to your house and murder you I wonder what else is [Music] different she's Camel Towing the hell out of that leotard [Music] all right Rupert time to break up Lois and the fat man before they can conceive Me by pressing butts together well you
don't know either hey Lo I draw you a picture it's me and you on the space Moon cuz I would love you anywhere oh Peter I'd love you anywhere too wow Peter and Lois were really in love before I was born and this is me getting you from behind cuz in space no one can hear you scream Peter breaking them up may prove to be more difficult than I thought though I faced bigger challenges before like when I had to ride that bike in the Muppet movie that's right Stewie long legs just blew your mind all ri
ght rert now to break up my parents the number one thing couples fight about his money so I've maxed out Lois's credit card on vibrating marital aids Peter there's an open box in the kitchen addressed to me with nothing inside uh yeah when I opened it up it was empty well that's very strange because it looked large enough to hold many items it's the mailman I'll get it no me I'll get it maybe I had more in common with this family than I thought oh my God Peter what happened to your hair I don't
know I I'm bald you did this what the hell's it matter with you I didn't do it but but you look really cool I do yeah you look like you could be a celebrity hey can I get your autograph oh of course here you go they think I'm Bruce Willis that was the monster from Goonies none of my attempts to break them up has worked thus far so I had to up our game Lois what the hell did you do I just got a note from Goodwill thanking me for donating all my porn what I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for t
hings I didn't do and I've got a bone to pick with you I don't appreciate how you spray painted vile woman on the bedroom wall no was than me must have been one of the kids that's ridiculous Peter Chris can't write and we don't allow me upstairs well you know something I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right well maybe I don't want to live with someone who doesn't respect me well and maybe I should just leave and where are you going to go you got nothing else and nobody else and now fo
r the [Music] closer I might go west my god I've done it Rupert they've broken up look it's working I'm fading away well Rupert this means you and I will never have met so I've got to tell you one thing you know that song I wrote you for Valentine's Day it's an Eric Carman song I completely ripped it off ah oh now I feel [Music] better what the devil what's going on where am I it's a boy I'm in a hospital my soul must have found another carrier I've been reborn welcome to the world baby chap I'm
British all right oh I wonder if I'll have one of those pugnose British dogs that licks its own snot all day oh that's gross piss off you little wanker I'm not going to be the dog to some poof baby [Music] well lad welcome to your home well this is more like it this is your valy your Gardener your cook your gamekeeper your butler your housekeeper your parlormaid your housemid your scall made your shoe de graer and one superflow employee who I am not in a gay relationship with sir we have a meet
ing in the broomed quite right I will now hand you over to your mother this will be our last physical contact until I give you a firm handshake on your 18th birthday my God this is everything I've ever wanted and let's be honest if I had stayed with the Griffin I would have ended up like Rick Springfield today I wish it I had Jessie's job [Music] sir it's 6:00 p.m. and you're still in your 5:45 tuito Nigel yesterday I saw you smile is that something I need to bring up with my father I was just i
magining my own death sir you're a good man Nigel may I pull on your nose hair of course sir my Heavens my father is the commander of the most excellent order of the British Empire dean of physics at Oxford Andy was pre-approved for a Capital One no hassle card oh okay so he's just framing everything Stuart these are your brothers Jaden and aen Jaden was first form in his sixth levels and he's Chief scrum flanker on his varsity booing team which as far as we know makes us terribly proud finally
siblings who are doing stuff I'm really happy to meet you guys you were an act accident you're only here because father is a heavy sleeper with a frequent morning stem okay Aiden's the ball breaker huh Jaden father is it going to live here for a while oh Aiden is the nice one well if it's verbal jousting skills you're looking for I'm not afraid to take a little walk on the Oscar Wild Side you are a poopy head and you shut up steuart I think your mouth is better at taking things in than spewing t
hem out oh these guys are a little sharper than my old family I still remember our duck duck goose disaster Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack Jack what is that other [Music] word there we are sorry I couldn't squeeze no more juice out of me Nippers well that's all right I can't be mad at someone who lost seven sons in the war all right my little lord it's time for bed why isn't mommy tucking me in oh hush love you're born now that's the end of all this mo
mmy nonsense what the hell I don't even get a stuffed animal to hug the only thing in this crib is a 19th century dueling pistol it's loaded who dares to shoot the bow tie off my cat we do let on I'm just a baby so am I good Lord what have I done I don't like it here at all I miss my family my dumb family dear God I wanted to be free of the family of morons I was born into but now I'm the [ __ ] sir I heard whimpering shall I fet your crying tuxedo no I don't want any more Tuxedos and I don't wa
nt a cold mother or an Oxford physics Professor father wait a minute that's it the Oxford physics lab will have everything I need to build a time machine then I can go back to my old life ah ah Stone floor too cold I'll go in the [Music] morning let's see I need plutonium for the time machine but how do I get past those guards oh wait that's right I'm in England I can just walk past them holding a cup of tea morning morning morning morning morning morning morning morning did you see something su
spicious about about that baby well I did it first but then he's got the tea vouching for him doesn't [Music] he almost there just a few more adjustments steart what are you doing all right rert I left the fat man's entire porn collection on the curb for Goodwill to pick [Music] up oh the devil are you I'm British Stewie I don't hear anything different I sound the same but I spell some words very differently let me write the word color on a piece of paper for you dear God you are British listen
to me you successfully prevented your own birth and instead you were born into an alternate family but you must believe me the Griffins are your true destiny no they're not they're morons but they're your morons and they care about you besides you shine among these dullards like Bob Weir and the Grateful Dead that jokes for one of our crew guys Maddie he loves the dead and he's uh he's not doing so well we love you Captain trips hang in bro well I do like being better than everyone else Peter I
had nothing to do with donating your stupid porn if what you're telling me is true we can't let them separate if Peter leaves I'll be unborn well she's not going to stop him she's Furious you're right and if I know her she'll be heading to the fridge for her angry afternoon charday I've got an idea okay there it is [Music] noon oh no he's leaving I'm I'm fading away Peter wait what you want to yell at me some more no I want to tell you I'm sorry I don't want you to leave why should I stay if you
don't even trust me I do trust you Peter I don't know what's gotten into US lately the important thing is we're meant to be together I love you Peter I love you too Lois I'm glad we're staying together honestly I I don't know what I would do on my own like I literally have no idea where food comes from is it that guy is he the food man no Peter it's not him they're making up it's working that means soon you will not exist then I guess this is goodbye Stewie I'll miss you you've taught me so muc
h and you've been a good friend and you as well a damn it help be stee lift it off that looks really heavy it is and it's incredibly painful please help you know you'll be fading away any moment you know it'll be a lot of effort ultimately for nothing I'm choking on my own blood call someone please well again it was great knowing you yeah you bastard you'll burn in hell uh finally that was an OD [Music] deal I did it I'm back oh damn it I left my ChapStick in the past chapstick with smooth lips
I will finally be able to be a mayor who kisses babies with confidence hey cracked lips you'll see you'll all see [Music] oh scrambled eggs how delightful thank you leis well you're certainly in a better mood since last night's tantrum you know Brian I've realized this is where I belong for better or worse I'm a griffin coward I have found you well it took three years but I am finally through Welcome to our home and thank you all so much for coming to celebrate our dear Lois and her wonderful hu
sband uh Peter I know Carter wanted to say a few words poor unfunny fat oh and the sprinklers come on at 4: I don't know how to change that so we have until then beautifully said wow lot of years for us uh-huh hey so what do you think about dinner oh God I'm so tired of thinking about dinner I don't know well what are you in the mood for okay that's just another version of the same question oh I've collected nine finalists for our new end table we should talk will each one be instantly overcrowd
ed by three items absolutely great so where do we land dinner wise if I could have everyone's attention it's time to present Peter and Lois with a very special anniversary gift yes we really went all out this year okay we is an insane characterization but here it is a brand new Range rider that's it a crap it looks so much bigger in the Sky Mall magazine that's a rookie move man Lo I'm sorry I didn't realize it was a toy car for a child I can it's fine Daddy really I bet Stewie might enjoy playi
ng with it will there be like a replacement gift or no that's very sweet Lois always thinking of others Amazon gift card it's the thought that counts Daddy and it was a very nice thought $20 bill CED in a handshake I'm going to go change out of this sweat suit wow a white range Rider SUV hey what was AR's wife's name on Entourage can't remember doesn't matter I'm AR's wife good work today Mom bathing suit see you on Labor Day now I'll wash it off it's my fault for over guing the chip Joe I'm in
here sorry I didn't realize I'm sorry I'm leaving I feel more violated than Miss [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] Pacman so Lois you would not believe believe the night Joe and I had last night oh really yeah it was easily some of the best sex of our entire marriage and for the first time in 9 years Joe was able to achieve manhood you know without a pill a shot or a pump you you don't say it was crazy I can't even count all the different positions Joe let me carefully arrange his limp body
into oh wow I'm so happy you two are able to rekindle that spark whoops got to go I've got lunch with the girls I thought I was one of the girls you're one of the girls oh no what am I going to do I bet Joe was only able to do it cuz he was thinking of me Chris I've been caught but I'll never be sorry boy I went hard at my fat guy's wrestling club today I understood that with great reward comes great risk hey Bri check out my new whip pretty cool huh you might even say it's a cool whip I'm not d
oing that oh you no fun I will say though it seems like you're really embracing the range Rider lifestyle oh this thing's the best JD Power and Associates called it the best car for slamming on your brakes at a crosswalk while texting would you believe this is the same model Reese Witherspoon yells at her husband in I would believe that yes look you can even change the navigation system to be her voice I am an American citizen turn left at the light the only thing is eight different people spoke
to me in fary I think they just assumed I'm Persian seems right there's a whole section of the owner's manual that's very anti-israel aren't you forgetting your dry cleaning oh Carman will get that who's Carman oh my God you're right it's Rosalita that stays on this curb Rosalita I'm Sarah mclocklin and for just $1 a day you can help save one of these abused and terrified grips from the Ellen degenerous show whether it's a teamer sobbing in his car after work or a camera operator having a sandw
ich slapped out of his hand just for making eye contact they need your help so please give today because no one should have to spend Thanksgiving watching a millionaire try on sweaters kids you really got to clean the dog poop off your shoes right when it happens it's so much harder to get it off once it's dried you're more than welcome to return to the workforce I think I'm cleaning di I think I'm cleaning diary I really think [Music] so [Music] hey B you busy should I get the pump no need let'
s do this Lois Griffin you are adding spice to that Mar wow look at me making a difference for those in need would you like to add a dollar to your bill to fight cancer No I gave a disabled guy an [Applause] [Music] erection okay now time to work some of that magic on my man hey Lois Lois check it out I think James Cromwell is on this little house on the Prairie actually what do you say tonight I turn the TV off and turn you on what are you drunk and where are the wet ones you know I need a caut
ionary wipe stop throwing them out in the bedside trash I don't the hell you don't I mean it's all right let's not talk about that hm let's talk about how steamy it's getting in here uh that would be a boui burp cloud with a Mr pib fart cloud chaser hence the need for Wet Ones hey uh while you're in there we assign Meg's permission slip for the historic Slater Mill I left it at the foot of the toilet between my [Music] shoes I don't have to show you my ID I'm reys Witherspoon you have arrived at
your destination oh thank God Stewie you you got you got my text yeah didn't so much get them as was Panic startled awake by them I just I really am is in no condition to drive home it was dog trivia night people kept buying me shots I almost oh go oh pull oh pull over pull over ah are you going to puke ah not in the car here here aim it into this TCB [Applause] cup okay okay okay I'm okay you good yeah sorry for a second no the Y come ran no not on the seat the cop the cop look this is going t
o sound racist but stop no no hear me out it's just stop all I'm saying is stop it's just stop Norwegians can't dance oh that's actually not as bad as I thought it would be it is clearly he has not seen me dance around this scans cry on gofton for true yeah yeah we can do hopping like Lisk in the Almond pot Family Guy we googled Norway for this joke I managed the entire teacher appreciation night and I'm supposed to accept second vice president they are disrespecting you Donna they are disrespec
ting you no doubt what about you did the airline give you the Miami routee yet they say I'm next in line they are disrespecting you Glenn they are disrespecting you okay see you next week yeah you will and thanks for signing my Facebook petition about the speed bumps we'll get them what the hell all right Joe it's showtime what is she doing it's not even sunny [Music] oh my God she's putting on some kind of weird show for Joe this is a betrayal Peter deserves to know he deserves to know right aw
ay G don't make me do a voice call I'll fire him a text down the line hey thanks for coming out with just me Peter there's something very important I need to talk to you about huh am I a adopted what no what are you getting divorced not even married we're moving again cuz in the Army well it's a big move up for me and you're going to get your own room and I mean no no that that's not look look what I'm trying to tell you is I saw Lois strutting around your front yard basically putting on a sex s
how for Joe and he was into it what he he was are you sure trust me Peter when it comes to sex I know what I'm talking about like like did you know 46% of people picture someone else when they're having sex sex with their spouse wow did you read that in an article nope I do all my own research who are you thinking of right now um Chris Pine huh he's doing well this cycle damn it I'll teach Joe to Ogle my wife oh hey Peter what are you clenching in that fist there well that was sadder than what I
was going for well at least it's over oh God those are all Final Notice wheelchair bills not a good day for Joe not a good day for [Music] Joe Peta this is insane I can't believe you would beat up your own friend what can you blame me after the sick show you two were putting on out there y fine Peter so what if I was putting on a show at least someone was in the audience and maybe ask yourself why I'd even feel I have to do that I come out of the bathroom in my underwear last night and all you
want to do is look at James Cromwell it was weird he had most of his hair you don't find me attractive anymore oh come on it's not you it's time after all these years of marriage your naked body has pretty much no effect on me anymore it's basically like staring at a chair from the DMV well sue me for trying to help reignite the passion in another couple's marriage I can't seem to do it in my own that's not what you're doing you're flating yourself in front of the whole neighborhood just to boos
t your own ego all right Peter I'll be honest with you we're moving again cuz of the army what no we're talking about Joe all right we're moving again cuz Joe's in the Army I don't want to move to Omaha my friend are here [Music] what is this what do you think you're doing not that it's any of your business Lois but I'm fighting fire with fire now if you need me I'll be chopping wood out front when all the stroller moms go [Music] by oh that's right ladies I'll be here all morning turning small
pieces of wood into even smaller pieces of wood for no reason [Music] okay so for purposes of the claim what was the cause of the accident yeah I don't know how that thing broke well I see your neighbor has a nest camera that was from a previous attempt I thought I looked hot but then the paper boy laughed and unless you think it worked sir I'm just trying to find out what happened with the window and head h home to eat a runberg Tor a dessert from Finland oh yes named after the Finnish National
poet Johan ludvig runberg we kind of fell down a rabbit hole on those countries up [Music] there okay any better oh now I just smell for Breeze and vomit stupid dog seems like having a car is a real pain God it's the worst I mean no way having a car is a dream and having an expensive car you're constantly terrified about getting dinged or dirtied that's like the best thing you can hope for oh text from Brian let me know if you're going on a toms run G so passive aggressive do you need TS all ri
ght Chris as long as I'm going do you need anything well if you're going on a desx run I wouldn't say no do you need Des only if you're going on a [Music] run Hey Joe I was wondering if you needed to borrow a cup of sugar no thanks Lois and also that's not how the sugar thing usually works well I just Lois you can stop with the phony excuses I know why you've been doing what you're doing and I think it's better if you stop but Joe I just look I've given this tremendous thought wondering if the r
eason I became so excited by all that's happened is that Peter's a good friend and perhaps the affection you two share was briefly channeled towards me as a reminder and renewal of the importance of maintaining a deep sense of wonder and curiosity about life but then I realized it was mostly about seeing side boob that was not my wife's side boob it just has to be different I can't stress that enough but but I'm okay with that Joe sorry Lois I can't do this to Peter but please know that you have
done a great service for my and F sex life I understand bye Joe say Lois yes you're not going on a catheter run by any chance are you do you need me to get your catheters only if you're going on a [Music] run stop kicking my seat that's it if I have to stop this car there'll be no popsicles probably probably no popsicles la la la simple life on a big wheel very unencumbered ah Robert Robert talk to me how many fingers am I holding up two no it's three okay the thumb isn't a finger you're right
so glad you're okay to point that out still I thought I'd lost you oh this car has brought me nothing but trouble well there's only one thing to do I I don't know I just parked it on the street and when I woke up this morning it was gone well this nest camera footage shows you dousing it in gasoline and setting it a blaze I have nestcam footage of you pleasuring yourself in our Hedges as a check [Music] okay yeah I did a good thing for Joe and Bonnie's marriage it's not about me it's about them
and if I could do it for Joe I can do it for a whole Hospital wing of disabled veterans Lois Griffin reporting for Duty what possessed you to impersonate a nurse and give seven adult Korean War veteran sponge baths I'm a sexually desirable woman Peter what are you doing here I smushed my thing up against a glass of a Lulu Lemon I'm really sorry for all the stuff I said earlier no me too it's just after all these years when I look at you all I see is dealing with the kids figuring out meals going
through the mail it's great that Joe could see you like you used to be but for me it's getting harder no it's my fault too I've taken us for granted and it felt so nice to be seen as the person I used to think I was truth is eventually I probably get bored with any woman might as well get bored with the woman I love well I can sit here and tell you today I'm as bored with you as I've ever been I love you I love you too Lois wow you know I never seen you in a nurse's outfit before and I've never
seen you dressed as prom night tazan I'm a chi andales danc you ah Chippendales I know they have a big cover charge how much is the uncover charge for you it's $35 cuz you didn't bring enough people to qualify for the group r but it does include a $112 bottle of Costco champagne that we're going to tell you was worth a hundred why but Peter you bad at this no no you argue back and then we get all hot I'm raising two children alone in a single apartment okay I'm back in boy you really made some
mistakes in your life haven't you you little piece of trash uh there's someone else in here oh my God what the hell principal Shepherd you're in here too yeah I got into a slap fight with the Applebee's Hostess because they wouldn't turn on Fox News you know what we'll wait till we get home we're so sorry for what I didn't tell you to stop uh okay Peter oh Lois can you call out the names of garbage people from Fox News oh hanity oh Tucker Oh judge Janine oh Steve Dey who's that terrible blonde l
ady whose own family hates her Laura Ingram Oh Laura Ingram yes oh Peter I'm so glad we were able to discover this new level of intimacy I've never felt so connected to you me either and I never knew your biggest fantasy was to do it as a cat from a children's book for most of the night Peter goed on her flus she crunked his wanit he bobl her Bumpus the bangle bong lasted till first break of day six times that night she screamed Zazu Kaz the end good night Stewie don't read me books that okay Br
ian I'm going to the IG don't let Peter get into the cookie doll yeah sure uh Brian I'm just going to go into the kitchen and look at something Peter I know what you're doing I'm just going to look at shampon oh what a very interesting thing Ryan can I give you money and you write me a check so I can order something from this abber croman Fitch catalog what do you want to order oh wait let me guess him he got you Ste well um if it were you you you would take the magazine and You' put it on the f
loor and pick on it cuz you're a dog and you're stupid and and you have a weird toenail halfway up your elbow nice comeback Ser that one was all over the place I should have been quicker than that I should have said really why would I order your ex-boyfriend and then I go like this a that's so good why didn't I say that if only I had a time machine I could go back in time and have that comeback ready wait a minute I do have a time [Music] machine Brian can I give you money and you write me a che
ck so I can order something from this aboc croman Fitch catalog what do you want to order oh wait let me guess him really why would I order your ex-boyfriend he got you Brian why didn't I think of this before now I can always have the last word like that ground control guy during the moon landing that's one small step for man one giant leap for mankind Roger that Neil we came in peace for all the peoples of the earth we read you Neil we chose to go to the Moon not because it is easy but because
it is hard have a lot of help down here Neil we have slipped The Surly Bonds of Earth and touch the face of God yeah if you could just grab some rocks Neil throw them in a bag we'll get you home safe and sound this is silly fun I can go back in time and change anything in Brian's life I don't feel bad Peter hey I know what'll cheer you up hey where the hell's my banana thing it's peanut butter jelly time peanut butter jelly time peanut butter jelly time at at oh my god oh Stewie that is so funny
oh I did not see that coming but that was my thing I'm pretty sure it was the internet's thing pet butter jelly peanut butter jelly peanut butter jelly with a baseball B hey you remember a few months ago when you scored that date with that Victoria's Secret model and then ended up sealing the deal oh yeah that was amazing what was the date of that August 15th August 15th you betcher now I have to leave enough time talking to yourself yeah Brian Bri hello Stewie I know you've been going back in
time to embarrass me oh what what that come on oh okay then then where are you going now well I have a a very important Mission uh-huh let me see that panel no no don't touch that come on let me see that move out of the way no you can't I'm not going to let you do this you just touch my boob I'm going to tell [Music] Mom [Music] what happened where are we I don't know it's like we're not anywhere Stewie what the hell did your machine do just calm down calm down Brian I've got the return pad all
right step on what happened good Lord this is impossible what well the return pad works by first locking onto our coordinates along the curve of the SpaceTime Continuum but it can't why not well the only explanation is we've somehow been transported outside the SpaceTime Continuum I I don't understand non-existence no past no future no universe but still somehow a large brightly colored promo for The Cleveland Show hey y'all it's The Cleveland Show huh that's weird black guys usually don't promo
te themselves come on Stewie can you fix that damn thing or not well it's not broken Brian it operates according to the laws of physics but we're outside the space-time Continuum so there are no laws of physics watch how the hell did you do that that no laws of physics bribe we create our own physics see watch this I fell in love with you heart and the way a fool would do mad because you H me TI a kiss in the night huh did I tell you yeah that was good we were good yeah that's why it sucks that
we're alone here because if if there were people here they would say that was good you guys should do that more oh yeah they totally were but look look I I still want to go home Stewie how do we get out of here well if I overload the return pad's reactor it might release enough energy to blow us back into the universe but it's too risky but it could get us home maybe but it'll break my thing and if I overload that reactor we could both die well you at least have to try and if you don't I am goin
g to spend the rest of Eternity chuckling at a joke that I am not going to share with you oh man what what's the joke yes what what is it you can't say that but it got said what what by who all right fine fine I'll try it you bastard now step on to the return pad now brace yourself hopefully the explosion will Propel us into [Music] reality [Music] we made it yeah we made it okay now tell me the joke oh it's nothing really it's just this bit about a Planned Parenthood clinic on Halloween next Br
ian I'm about to show you something that's going to blow your mind do you know what the Big Bang Theory is yeah the theory that the Universe started with a massive outward explosion from a singularity of infinite mass and infinite density check out the big brain on Brian good now take a look the universe's cosmic background radiation a kind of echo of the Big Bang precisely matches the energy spectrum of my return pad what does that mean it means my return pad's explosion was the Big Bang but th
e big bang happened like billions of years ago no no we were outside the space-time Continuum time and space didn't exist until my explosion which means I created the universe Brian that doesn't make any sense you were born in the universe how could you create it it's called a temporal causality Loop the universe created me so I could create it so it could create me and so on that's that's the most incredible thing I've ever heard so wait that that means that I kind of created the universe too n
o no no no you're you're sort of the art gar funcle of the the universe hey Lois check out what I spelled with my alphabet Oh my God yeah now watch maybe lady you want the real thing huh I prefer the alphabet well I'm off to the farmer's market I've got to pick up some plutonium for a new return pad in case I decide to make another Universe later plutonium at the farmers market yep I'm only using organic plutonium now think globally by locally hey [ __ ] get me out of this hello there Yousef hey
Stewie what can I get you oh just a little of the good stuff for a new time machine return pad coming right up so how's the whole terrorism thing going well the good news is my son died in a car bombing the bad news is he borrowed my [Music] car oh god oh that's the other reason I come here okay so here is your plutonium I hope you kill my [ __ ] wife with it whoa whoa where's that coming from I'm just a little upset because she left me I guess she didn't know what giih had come on oh [Music] s
orry so Stewie Griffin invented a time machine [Music] [Music] berum hello Stewie you don't realize it yet but you're life life is about to cease to exist what are you talking about I am going to kill one of your ancestors effectively erasing you from history here play with this at least you can spend your final moments doing something you enjoy you know it's funny I had actually stopped playing with that toy but now that I see you with it I kind of want to play with it again look at me I'm mowi
ng the [Music] lawn what the hell's all that noise Brian it was Bertram he's gone into the past and he claims he's going to Stewie what's going on pea what was [Music] that quick Brian into the time machine Stewie what the hell was that those were ripples in time Brian emanating from some point in the past and there's only one explanation Bertram told me he planned to kill one of my ancestors he must have succeeded thereby changing the past and erasing me but what does that got to do with I crea
ted the universe Brian Bertram didn't know that by removing me from history I wouldn't be there to be accidentally thrown outside the universe and subsequently created it so the universe never existed well we have to stop him yes unfortunately beram took the return pad with him so we'll only get one shot of this ah here it is now we'll have to travel back in time to a point shortly before Bertram's arrival get ready [Music] Brian how long until Bertram arrives I can't be certain but I'd say abou
t 15 minutes where do you think we are I don't know looks like the Renaissance it does this doesn't count as our trip to Italy Ryan look there's the monalisa and it's unfinished we must be in Leonardo da Vinci's Studio quick someone's coming that must be Leonardo da Vinci Stewie he looks just like you da Vinci must be my ancestor good Lord that's who Bertram's here to kill so that means you're Italian of course my love for SpaghettiOs and smoking on the toilet it all makes sense [Music] ew my Go
d D Vinci is your ancestor why would Bertram go back this far to get rid of you ah you're forgetting I initially encountered Bertram as a sperm in one of the fat man's balls so he couldn't get rid of the fat man or any any recent ancestor on my father's side Bertram had to go back enough generations to make sure he was snuffing out the ancestral source of my genius without affecting his own and apparently it's Leonardo da Vinci boy I'm the sick of the pizza what we've got to stop Bertram what ar
e we going to do don't worry Brian I'll come up with something remember I'm a genius like Thomas Edison Thomas what are you doing experimenting ran look Mama Mia what is this Leonardo def Vinci I presume who are you a little lisping baby you're assassin you overrated caricaturist Stewie that's my name don't wear it out see that's brand new to [Music] him [Music] [Music] [Music] hey hey [Music] [Music] [Music] go [Music] you're about to be yesterday's Hopscotch chalk on a sidewalk Stewie erased y
eah no I I got the metaphor but but beram if you erase me you'll destroy the universe what are you talking about listen to him Bertram it's true Brian and I were trapped outside the SpaceTime Continuum and the only way for us to get back was to overload my old return pad the resulting explosion was the Big Bang so if you kill me you're killing yourself self and everything else that ever existed or will exist worth it you [Music] fool hey Bertram what's your favorite kind of bottled water huh min
e's Arrowhead wow that was dramatic my God he's really dead this is it yeah but why hasn't the universe ceased to exist I don't know unless there's still a chance of me being born but Da Vinci is dead yes but we are still here so I must have done or will do something that will save the universe if I can just figure out what that is oh Bertram just voided his bowels that's it the genetic material needed for my creation is inside me so I'll take Da Vinci's place and pass it on wait how'd you get t
hat from bowels huh I was just wondering how you got that from you know what I don't care will that work though you taking D Vinci's Place only one way to find out all right I'm going to send you back 5 minutes after we disappeared in the time machine if all goes well the universe should be intact this time good luck old friend hopefully I'll be leaving you a future to return to I'm going to miss you Stewie good [Music] [Music] luck [Music] you did it Stewie you did [Music] it uh can I help you
are you Brian Griffin yes I'm from the Vatican and this is for you what is it the Vatican has been holding this note for you for about 500 years it was Left To Us by Leonardo D Vinci himself with instructions that'll be delivered to you on this exact date at this exact the time dear Brian it's been a week since you left and I'm pretty sure I've set things right so I've built a cryogenic stasis device and I'm placing myself inside it leaving instructions for it to be buried in very specific coord
inates in what will be future Cog if everything goes according to plan I will have spent the next 500 years buried beneath our basement oh my God a tip is a [Music] customary [Music] Stewie Stewie Stewie you okay you got to kiss him to wake him up what I'm not going to kiss you Stewie can't hear you he's not awake only a kiss will wake him up well I better get Meg oh oh oh where am I Stewie what the hell happened oh well shortly after you left D Vinci's girl girlfriend showed up so I injected he
r with my DNA you had sex no I put my DNA inside her right you had sex no what are you not getting I put a sample of my DNA in a syringe and I injected her on the staircase the couch and the balcony well whatever the case thank God yeah I know oh hey I brought you something from Da Vinci's workshop a candle I can get a candle now you couldn't have grabbed me one of his original notebooks you know I didn't have to there's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train there's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train
and he's wiggling hisse and his little bunny toes there's a fuzzy bunny rabbit on the train okay what else we got on that train a kitty cat a doggy Kevin Smith cuz he's too fat to ride a plane okay I heard kitty cat oh there's the kitty cat a riding on the train God you know I I don't know why this guy's wife isn't here watching this stuff if I were her I'd be here every show a kitty C riding on the train thanks everybody see you next week yay he's a good singer yeah I've been catching his Libr
ary shows since there were only like three or four kids here he should have been here man those were the shows a looks like somebody made a friend I know aren't they cute together adorable I'm Lois hi I'm hope any relation to Bob Hope I'm kidding I'm kind of known for having a twisted sense of humor oh don't worry I watch Regis and Kelly I can handle it so you know this is my husband Ben hi glad to know you gosh you know our little little Scotty seems to be having such a good time with your son
would you be interested in getting them together for a play dat oh that sounds like a wonderful idea look at them they're getting along like Billy Bob Thon and his cat Billy Bob leave me alone I'm taking a bath Stewie you want to be the Autobots or the Decepticons what's with all these labels man Autobots Decepticons gay straight just pick a few robots and let's party hey what's going on in here oh hello Brian we're playing Transformers oh cool who's this little guy it's my new friend Scotty do
you mind we're busy oh hi doggy you want to play with us Scotty Scotty it's fine it's fine you don't have to he doesn't know Transformers yeah actually I I'd love to play who should I be should I be one of these guys I'll be this guy who's this guy huh what's this guy's story that's Optimus Prime you can't be him Scotty's Optimus Prime oh all right well I'll be I'll be this guy how about this guy what was that did you just growl what robot growls that star scream he's a Decepticon I'm the decept
icons look why don't you just beat it all right all right relax I'll I'll just I'll I'll be this guy over here that's He-Man we're playing Transformers well maybe this is the one where He-Man visits Brian how is He-Man supposed to get to Cybertron hey Up Up and Away right He-Man doesn't fly look why you being such a dick about this I'm just trying to join in yeah you don't know what you're talking about okay I think I'm doing pretty no you don't you don't know the characters Brian you don't know
the characters if you could hear yourself right now you would not stops throwing up you can't just put He-Man in Transformers World all right he wouldn't be able to get to Cybertron because he lives in Eternia and atoria is in an entirely different dimension he can just take his rocket ship get get out of here we now return to the post Row versus Wade Brady Bunch Greg Mara get down here a you two are such a handful [Music] oh I'm getting some steam picking up steam here Scotty you better look o
ut I don't feel so well uh kind of bad timing but Jin hey Lois that not Stewie kid fell over oh my God he's unconscious Peter what happened yeah you know me Lois I don't pry Peter he's not moving we got to get him to the Hospital you got it Lois to a Peter rang just for the record I was at the hospital for a brief moment Mrs Griffin it's a good thing you brought this child in why is he okay I'm afraid he's very sick in fact his lab work shows he's suffering from Hodgkins lymphoma oh my God are y
ou saying Scotty has cancer I don't know I didn't read the whole Wikipedia entry but the good news is that what he has is highly treatable with radiation first and if necessary chemotherapy oh for God's sake look do you have any idea how expensive medical school is no I don't well it's probably pretty expensive Lois We Came as soon as we got your call oh hope Ben I'm so sorry to have to tell you this but Scotty has cancer we know you do yes we're aware of his condition but you shouldn't have bro
ught him to the hospital without talking to us first why wouldn't we bring him he was unconscious he he clearly needed treatment oh no he doesn't receive treatment what we're Christian Scientists we don't accept medical care for ourselves and we don't permit it for our children but your son has cancer wait a minute Christian Science is that is that that thing all them gabo Hollywood actors do to keep their stuff away from other guys butts don't you understand Scotty needs help and he'll get it t
hrough faith that's right we will heal him with the power of prayer you you can't just let them walk out of here oh I think they'll be back are those their keys no they're my [Music] keys and they said because of their faith they don't believe in medicine mom I think there's a lot of religions that do that well that may be me but that poor little baby has cancer and they're just going to take him home and pray over him well that's what they do they believe that disease is Just an Illusion and th
e only way to fight it is to make your faith stronger Illusions you want to talk about Illusions if you die tomorrow you think we're going to be devastated but you know what we're just going to go out and buy another dog and maybe this dog will fetch a stick and bring me my slippers instead of prattling on about the pros and cons of various religions Chris I think you've had too much sugar cereal I think I haven't had enough Peter I have to go talk to the Jennings and ask them to reconsider gett
ing treatment for Scotty I'm going with you Lois yeah I'll go too all right but try to keep your mouth shut okay you have a habit of saying the wrong thing during his 22-year Reign this French monarch known as the spider king had an ongoing feud with Charles the Bold Duke of burgundy Peter who was King Louis the 12th oh I'm sorry Peter we were looking for King Louis VI 11th ah damn it I knew that ah well me and the with a big black King Louie the 11th Tim [Music] select oh Lois Peter come on in
we were just praying for Scotty's recovery if you'd like you can join us well that's what we wanted to talk to you about you better not just have church toys look I don't mean to question your religious beliefs but as a mother I just can't bear the thought of little Scotty not getting the help he needs you really needn't worry Lois Scotty will get all the help he needs from where from here science and health with key to the scriptures by Mary Baker Eddie let me see that this is your god a woman
well she's the founder of our faith oh really so with this book from the 1800s you can prey away paralysis or terminal illness yes we would pray for anyone who's Afflicted well and I'll tell you who you should really be praying for out of work clowns I need 40 Ben hope please I just want to do anything I can to help you son well you can Lois stay and pray with us I think you'll find that with God's love and a true belief all manner of Miracles are possible look I'm I'm a church goer too but some
times prayer isn't enough he needs Professional Medical Care you know Lois this couch would be perfect for one of your red wine pass outs look we appreciate your concern Lois but Scotty is our son and we have to tend to him as we see fit but your son is sick he needs help um does your God also not believe in putting out snacks for the guests come on Lois I think we're wasting our time here they're obviously very committed to their beliefs but their beliefs are crazy Brian I don't know who's craz
ier these people people are those seventh day Adventists I'm a Methodist we believe that the Lord is our savior and we remember him by going to church and praising him every Sunday I'm a Seventh Day Adventist we believe all the same things that you believe but we go to church on Saturdays what I know what's frustrating Lois but the fact is there are no laws that say those people have to take their child to the doctor how can that be children are citizens too they should have rights well it's a t
ricky area Lois you could file a suit but that could take months and even then there's no guarantee the court wouldn't support the parents right to practice their religion how could we live in a country that would allow a sick child to die look this country was founded by people who came here to escape religious persecution they made sure we all had a right to religious freedom and it's my job to protect that so there's nothing we can do you could contribute to the policeman's ball what what doe
s that have to do with a sick child look it's a nice night out you're eating at a fancy Buffet the captain does his Al paccino Joe we we're really more of a fireman's ball family oh yeah are the firemen going to come and put out the rape Peter we can't let this happen I I mean we're parents what if this was one of our kids well it's too bad we're not The A Team cuz then we could just go in there and steal that kid I don't know about that Peter kidnapping is against the law it's too bad we're not
taken from Taken then I could dip my head in brown paint and Gump around Europe looking for my hot daughter although is it any worse than what they're doing they're letting a kid die it's too bad we're not Dragon heart then we can just fly around on a dragon and forget about all this you know what that's exactly what we should do what what the hell are you talking about I'm talking about us going in there and taking that kid and getting him some help I mean I know it's wrong but it's better tha
n just letting him die and it's not a bad idea it's like we're doing a public service like those idiots who get together to paint a school this underachieving crimer ridden school is now Fawn beige thanks to guilty white people with no weekend plans [Applause] [Music] yay P what the hell where's your ski mask it's kind of hard to breathe in those things so I just dressed up like Harry Potter all right let's go Lois if anything should happen to us I want you to know I haven't been happy for a lon
g time yes Peta you've told me that like 10 times [Music] times all right all the lights are out they must be asleep it's go time Peter what the hell was that that's what you do Lois okay now take this walkie-talkie and confirm that I'm at the various checkpoints H okay Peter up on a telephone pole check Peter cutting the wires to the alarm check sexy Peter dist rting the gods check hello boys come up and have sex with me sometime van full of Peters who all have Stern faces because they're about
to pull off a heist check upside down Peter who isn't revealed to be upside down until the camera spins around and shows that he is check Peter in an open airplane door slapping other Peters on the back as they parachute out go go go go go go go go go go check super gymnastic Asian Peter contorted into a box that will be delivered into the house Peter who hasn't answered because something has gone terribly wrong Peter Peter are you there now let's go get that kid okay he's in the left upstairs
bedroom all right you keep the car going in case there's [Music] trouble all right I got him Lois pet now what the that's not Scotty that's Ben oh well you know we ain't known this family that long I'm still learning everybody's names damn it put him back and go get Scotty the baby okay so I'll go get the baby and while I'm doing that maybe you do something about that snatchy tone Lois is this the right one yes now come on what was that I don't know it came from Scotty's room all right we did it
yes we got the kid and the treasure Peter there's no treasure oh well never mind [Music] then we now return to 1-hour Crime show where the murderer is the most famous person in the credits I think you're going to want to take a look at this what do we got looks like somebody had a rough night Out Boy you can say that again better get the the coroner down here he's still got his watch in his wallet guess that rules out robbery stabbed 17 times in the chest I'd say the murderer knew the victim in
timately good evening I'm Tom Tucker with some breaking news a local kidnapping has rocked Cog tonight rocked Cog really the whole town is right the family maybe is rocked but the whole all right well in any event we now go live to Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa let's see how much she's rocked by all this Trisha Tom I'm standing here with mayor Adam West with the latest information about The Disappearance of young Scotty Jennings what can you tell us Mr Mayor Please Mr Mayor is my father call me
John Mayor Your Body Is a Wonderland by the way what is the city doing to help rescue the missing boy well we're looking for this child using all the latest technology including the newest most advanced multimedia milk cartons help me I'm missing help what why are you still eating breakfast I'm kidnapped why are you turning me the other way I'm still here Scotty Jennings oh my God I know she was upset but do you think Lois would have gone so far as to kidnap him of course she did she'll do anyt
hing for attention I know she's like the boy who cried wolf wolf wolf did you hear that somebody needs help let's go oh my God Charles oh my God I'll run into get help no no we've got to carry him we can't leave him here there's a wolf um there's not really a wolf what tell my kids I love them Charlie Charlie this was so funny in my head when I planned [Music] it don't you worry Scotty we're going to get you to the hospital and get you the medical attention you need yeah hang in there buddy when
this is over we can get some ice cream me and Lois can get some ice cream not you they they're going to be sticking needles in you everywhere you know Peter you were right this is actually kind of a rush I mean look at us we're like Felman Louise yeah but we all know that didn't end well for them you know what but let's just turn ourselves in I got a great lawyer and he says worst case 8 to 12 years and when we get out we'll still have the rest of our lives ahead of [Applause] us ah [Applause]
a goodbye terrible women oh my God this is Trisha takawa I am standing outside kog hospital where accused kidnappers Lois and Peter Griffin have just arrived also arriving is my overprotective boyfriend who is suspicious whenever I am called into work at night even though I I've been a reporter for years Tyrone I thought I told you to mention my painting business Lois Peter stop right there you're under arrest for kidnapping I'm going to have to ask you to hand over the baby and surrender Joe pl
ease get out of our way I promise when this is over I'll gladly go to prison for the rest of my life but not until I bring this defenseless child into the hospital to get him the treatment he deserves uh Joe we would like two tickets to the policeman's board too late there they are Lois please stop what you're doing and give Scotty back to us I can't do that hope but we've entrusted our son into the Lord's hands I know and maybe that's why he ended up in my hands the Lord can't do everything you
know blasphemy heresy sodomy sorry I don't even know what's going on how you doing Ben hope I know you don't believe in modern medicine but you do believe in the power of prayer that's right and Through the Years when there was disease or infection people of good faith would pray to God for a cure yes it's what we do well then isn't it possible that penicillin vaccines and antibiotics are all actually answered prayers and isn't it possible that the amazing men and women of medicine who brought
about these Miracles could be the instruments of God's answers to our prayers it's good so far Lois try to work a few laughs in there if you can look I believe life is sacred and I know you want Scotty to live a full life and if that's true then I think it's wrong for you to ignore what very well could be the Lord's will I mean what's the point in praying to God if you're just going to wipe your butt with his answers oh Ben please let God answer your prayers please let your son get help well I g
uess through the Lord's will anything is possible all right Lois Scotty can have his treatment oh thank you thank you and God bless you both hey everybody we're all going to get [Applause] laid we now return to Dracula in San [Music] Francisco ooh well that's why we have the lab well I just got off the phone with hope and it sounds like Scotty's going to make a full recovery you hear that Stewie looks like your little friend's going to be okay well I don't care about him I've got a new friend wh
o's got leprosy see he's funny Peter are you actually reading that Christian Science book yeah you know I figured I'd give it a [ __ ] I mean wouldn't it be cool if you could pray really hard for something and it actually you guys don't you think I'm a little old for the Teen Choice Awards I mean I turned 18 today oh come on mag you always used to love the Teen Choice Awards yeah ever since Fox pulled this contrived night of out of their ass in an effort to get in on the award show business it's
been very special to you coming to you live it's the team Choice Awards featuring Robert patson Justin Bieber Zack Eon Selena Gomez I tell you every year I recognize fewer and fewer names Lombard monu Grace mlady Andy Colorado the Mondo twins purple stuff tank top gay face Chad Zachary Zack Chadwick Chad chadon see Zachary Chad and a live performance by Starburst featuring nyt FH dollar sign plus we tally your text votes for the biggest Whip and choice bro Min of the year [Applause] and now you
r host wavy hair duchon I touched him what's up team Choice Awards we're going to kick things off with Choice lacrosse gu smile give it up for our first presenter Wilford Brimley it's entirely too loud in here quiet down there's no accountability anymore I have diabetes hey what do you say we get some music in here huh no that'll only make things worse give it up for our first nominated Choice band of the night pee hole skin uh feelings feelings feelings I'm going to put a stop to [Applause] thi
s well that was unfortunate hey what's with all the cars on the street oh they're all here for your surprise party Meg Peter for God's sake you idiot we were supposed to open the door so everyone could yell surprise surprise ow oh dear Mom if it's a surprise party where is everybody Chris what the hell I thought you were going to pay the kids from school to show up I gave you $300 why do you think Dad's here hey Meg happy birthday you're the coolest well then what are all the cars doing out ther
e oh they must be from Mort's party okay the first rule of Jewish fight Club is if somebody says ow you stop ow okay let's see I'm really sorry about this honey it looks like nobody's coming but we had fun at the Teen Choice Awards right right I guess well I guess we ought to call it a night come on Stewie up to bed no party oh come on I was going to show a slideshow of all those silly photos I took of Meg well happy birthday anyway Meg see you in the morning hey Quagmire what's going on well Pe
ter a little birdie told me that today is Meg's birthday you giving me credit yeah I just told him I'm the one who told him so where is the birthday girl oh hi Mr Quagmire oh please my father is Mr Quagmire oh no he's not okay well that's well he used to be Mr Quagmire now he's now he's just eye at Davis anyway this is a special day for you young lady here's a gift for you a scented candle as a girl I love this that was originally $30 thanks Mr km well it's your 18th birthday Meg that's a very i
mportant milestone in a young girl's I mean a young woman's life hey welcome to the adult Club huh and you know what you got another member right next door if you ever want to talk and stuff happy birthday Hey Hey where's that pinky going huh where's he going what what's he do get back here there you go yeah look at Quagmire hitting on that skank you know he's going to close the deal Peter that skank is your daughter oh my God you're right you know Meg I'd love to see you without your hat on oka
y so anyway I'm on approach into Lambert Field in some of the worst turbulence I've ever flown through I mean I have never seen anything like it everyone in the cabin was like but I kept my cool I trusted my training and brought the plane in safely and in fact it turned out ironically to be one of the smoothest Landings I've ever made well gosh quag my has been a fun night but I guess uh you better be getting home now huh yeah it is getting late guess I'll go home and rub out a giggity take it e
asy you guys see you later Meg bye okay that was weird that was weird right oh my God so weird I tell you something if he touches my daughter I'm going to be kicking butts and taking names and then giving those names to other people whose butts I kick what's your name Derek what's your name Michael you're Derek now oh okay Glenn time to reer in oh my God oh my God oh my God oh my God ah it's too much too much I love Stars we now return to grainy footage of a potential Bigfoot that will surely sp
ark a lively debate in your household oh my God that is is real no total look at the way it why would somebody make that up L what's in it for them oh hey Mr G how's it going Quagmire what are you doing here hi Glenn bye you guys me and Glenn are going out what like hell you are don't worry Dad I'll take care of them stay away from my sis okay you two have fun on your date what drive carefully we'll see you later who is you out of your mind we can't let quag mea take Meg out on a date that guy w
ill bang anything hey Lois I'm starving what's for dinner I made meatloaf it's in the fridge hey Peter do you mind but I have to get dinner go out Peter nothing's going to happen don't you see she's only doing this to get a rise out of us if we fight her on it she'll only push further well she may not plan on sleeping with him but you don't know how smooth Quagmire is Lois he's like a vagician oh that's clever I know he practices vagic vagician was funnier okay well the point is we ought to be w
orried Peter trust me I know what's going on in ah head it's just a game I used to do the same thing to my parents the problem is they pushed back and the results were not good Mr pmid we pumped your daughter's stomach and we found vodka roipnol a fair amount of DNA that is not her own and a class ring Harvard I think it was Sunni something oh I don't want to hear anymore so how your studies going they're going pretty good school good what's your favorite class what was your favorite class okay
let's say it at the same time and see if they're the same okay 1 2 three here maap oh my God we have so much in common do you have any brothers or sisters yeah I have two brothers a they sound terrific hey you want to blow this joint sure oh wow really all right go for it come on let's go oh oh oh you mean leave yeah no yeah sure no let's go gosh Meg I sure have had a swell time with you me too Glenn God it's so amazing that you've been my Dad's friend for like years and now we have this connect
ion hey do you want to come in for some Crystal Light or something well I do believe in me but it's getting kind of late um I really want to see you again though oh you know it go God Peter Scar the hell out of me what are you doing here I think you know did you have sex with my daughter what come on Peter did you have sex with my daughter Peter trust me it's not happening all right good yeah she's really making me work for it maybe you could talk to her well I'll try but sometimes she can be as
stubn as a mule I tell you you you tell her to do something once she does the opposite you know it's like she ain't even heard you in the first place it's like talking to a brick wall worse than talking even a brick wall doesn't tell you they understand you and then go do the opposite you know so it's no surprise to me that you're having these different difficulties that that just seems to be the way she is you know whe whether it's just that she's not listening or whether it's that she's makin
g a conscious decision to defy your wishes who can say you know and and I would say in some respects having a strong willed kid is a good thing but it can get frustrating as hell on the other side so you know believe me I hear loud and clear where you go wait a second no I won't talk to her and I want you to stay the hell away from her Peter it's me Quagmire this is what I do besides me is 18 now and and you've got to let go you've done your job it's my turn now look Quagmire you're one of my be
st Pals and I'm asking you not to do this I want to help you Peter I really do but it's it's like you're asking a fish not to swim she's legal and I'm going in we'll see about that I ain't afraid to stand up to friends just ask Spartacus I'm Spartacus I'm Spartacus that guy's Spartacus we now return to two lame chicks on vacation in Mexico oh oh my God don't drink the water I'm so going to brush my teeth with tequila Mexico hey is this beach topless no but my Margarita's bottomless Mexico that c
ute guy's been staring at you all night oh my God I'm going to go poo now so I don't have to later Mexico hey you want to see my pictures from Mexico look Janine I just this is I can't with you anymore it's all the time this is is a job please take off that silly hat Mexico I I can't talk right now you okay yeah babe I got to pee but I don't want to move I'm so comfortable right now I can pause it I guess you could pause it but you can't pause me fast forward fast forward stop stop you're stop s
orry oh that's all right it's just your body sometimes things slip out probably just making room for something like what hey gang got room for one more right in the middle of you two come on scooch your party oh what's this Quagmire cell phone well now that you're with Meg you don't need to be talking to uh back bush anymore oh and I'll send a text to possible nipple ring saying you're off the market your possible nipple ring all right well I better send the text to back Bush oh come on I'm back
Bush this can't be a surprise to you Peter yeah I knew I just didn't know you knew okay what compound is this that's sodium chloride that's right how about this one hydrogen peroxide God you're so smart how about this one qm2 I'm not sure what that is it's quag megum it's the strongest Compound on Earth nothing can separate it it has an atomic weight of awesome you're such a cutie patootie if I'm a cutie PTI then you're a penie v Genie a I heard a cute awe in there cool down Meg there's somethi
ng we need to talk about Dad I swear to God I thought you could flush those things Meg you ever heard of Joan vanar no here's a picture of Joan vanar oh my God she's gorgeous gorgeous yes yes me gorgeous yes every man wanted her but one man got her a man she trusted to keep her safe and beautiful forever that man was Glenn Quagmire and two short months later this is what happened to Joan vanar oh my God I don't want this to happen to you Meg I don't want you to turn into a hilarious photograph D
ad I know what you're trying to do and I want you to stop it mom what is it Meg mom tell Dad to leave me alone I'm 18 and he keeps treating me like a kid Peter I told you not to push her about this Quagmire thing if you push too hard you're going to push her right into his arms what am I I supposed to do nothing this is a big game Meg is playing and the only way to win is not to play it is that a war games reference might be you know war games yeah still finding out new stuff about you that's th
e adventure there's a nerd in there maybe there is I might bang her later how about a nice game of chess I prefer banging dad have you seen my book bag what Chris oh Peter there you are would you go tell tell Meg that lunch is on the table oh Meg's not here what do you mean she and Quagmire went up to his cabin for the weekend what yeah I drew you a crude flip book to explain what's happening okay I got a little off track there but they went to his cabin Peter quack meire has a name for that cab
in he calls it his sex cabin no he doesn't he calls it the stuff it in oh my God I can't believe you knew about this and you let her go hey don't give me that crap I'm doing exactly what you told me to do you said said don't mess with her business so I didn't Peter this is different it's one thing to rebelliously flaunt an older guy in front of your parents but it's a whole other thing to go away with him for the weekend to his sex cabin oh is that right oh don't worry Peter he's not going to sl
eep with her that's you nerd look everyone knows if you go away with a guy for the weekend and don't have sex with him you're a huge [ __ ] we got to stop them so you admit you were wrong yes you admit you were stupid yes yes you admit all women stupid now all right I'll take what I can get come on to the Peter dactyl oh no now I got to take care of the babies look Peter his cost still them maybe they haven't left yet Quagmire let me in you son of a [ __ ] I'm sorry I'm not home to receive you t
he reason being that you have sufficiently scared me away from your wife or daughter I plan to get help and use better judgment in the future wait a minute so quagar just changed all of a sudden just like that you want me to read this or not no grandpa I don't no kid wants to be read anything anymore computers exist it's just you won't leave okay where were we Quagmire's front door you think they're hiding in there oh no Peta look see you later suckers a good luck to them P oh right right let's
[Music] [Applause] go we're never going to get up there I wonder what's causing all this traffic oh boy yep there's the problem not drawn yet come on guys really let's go what the hell's going on up there [Music] y so tell the truth have you brought other women up here before honestly two really yep I brought the ashes of my third grade teacher Mrs Nicholson and spread them across the lake per her last request oh the other was some Scag I met on a dock four miles from here what strike four jelly
Jellison the other was my [Laughter] sister it's so nice up here I know I love the way the fire makes the Shadows dance around behind us one time my friends and I went camping and nobody could start a campfire and then I tried to start the campfire and I could that's insane what is going on over here we taking our shirts off now okay follow the leader come on Peter hurry wait wait hold on hold on hold on listen to that it's a loon that's beautiful you know we ought to get a cabin up here Peter
we're wasting time Quagmire's in there about to have sex with our daughter that son of a [ __ ] let's wait wait wait wait a minute do you hear that I don't hear anything I know isn't it Bliss Peta let's go M thanks for the ice cream Glenn and you're right somehow it does taste better in my Underpants yeah it's like being at the beach huh now get over here while the inside of your mouth is still freezing cold dare you are you son of a [ __ ] you get away from my daughter you pervert me get in the
car we're going home I'm not going home I'm 18 and you can't tell me what to do anymore Meg I'm only going to say this once you may be an adult but you're still my daughter and it's my job to protect you from erant wieners so I don't care how old you are you're going to do what I say and get in a damn car yes [Music] daddy if you ever touch my daughter again I will cut your thing off and feed it to Brian okay and Peter and I get this cabin for one week in a month do you understand me yes ma'am
Peter I got us the cabin yay I don't want to see your face knocking on our door for at least a month would you sign the guest book on your way out Lois Griffin Peter Griffin we heard alone you know Mom and Dad I'm really glad that you kept me from doing what I was going to do well that's what parents are for M no matter what age you are we love you and we just never want to see you hurt I only wish I'd seen what was going on from the start like your father did well I know the signs because the s
ame thing happened to me an older neighbor her name was elain I was 18 and my body was firm from push-ups and sit-ups I was stunning but while my body was mature I had the mind of a 12-year-old Elaine invited me over with the promise of pie little did I know this would lead to an 8-year long psychosexual entanglement she's probably dead now life's funny [Music] sometimes it was awfully nice of new neighbors to invite us over for dinner I don't know Lois going to Cleveland's house with someone el
se living there just seems weird like when a new pope moves into the Vatican hi I don't know who to complain to about this but I'm still getting XV I I's mail yeah no no he's not here anymore this is XXIV yeah no I don't need Newsweek no I don't need National Geographic oh no no yeah no we'll we'll hang on to Boys Life hello neighbors Jo you can walk how do you do I'm Stan Smith please come in oh I'm so glad everyone could make it Stan I need $50 they're selling a biopsy of Seline deon's uterus
on eBay what the hell kind of dog is it I was going to ask the same thing oh uh that's our alien Roger he lives in our adct but nobody can know and don't tell anybody about our attic hello oh hey Quagmire hey you're not going to believe this I'm over here with Joe and he's got a space alien [Applause] a Peter wake up you're having a nightmare oh oh Lois thank God it was just a dream hey Lois what's that fat man doing in our bed damn it I always wake up before I find out if they can understand th
e [Music] baby [Music] thanks for helping me set up this Jungle Gym guys Lois says Stewie's been getting a little chunky G everybody's always commenting on my weight this is why I almost died from anorexia you look fat all right I got the monkey bars all put together oh God look at that they already got Al-Qaeda all over them get get out of here man they're going to be so good at swinging bar toar when they invade wow Quagmire how did you build that part so fast it was easy I just followed the i
nstructions I couldn't find the English ones these are in Latin and those stuffy ivy league professors won't help me n grum eh Peter oh yeah why don't you catch a football you nerds nerds no I just read the back where it's printed in French you speak French sure they love me in France oh quag sh quag say [Music] quag [Applause] quag ah quag oh quag don't fall Neils and mous trap yeah and French also comes in handy when I have layovers in Montreal that place is the best I always wanted to go to C
anada but then South Park went so we couldn't go oh man you guys should come with me sometime Montreal has the best strip clubs in the world they do yeah they're unbelievable the girls up in Canada are gorgeous and they all play Ice Hockey so they lose their teeth by age 10 wow in fact I'd even go so far as to say that a Canadian strip CL Club is the most magical place in the world nipnip Here nipnip There and a baby of porno stars there's jugs and mugs of Molen beer and Canadian nud bars dirty
hoes put on shows and a lot of them don't have scars they'll even take it up the nose in Canadian nudie bars you can touch and squeeze them they don't even care would they even dye their pubes to match my hair uh-huh Color Me there do like me say we wee and tell them you're a friend of Bill Mars that's how you'll get to watch them pee in Canadian nudie bars a guy can get his hockey pucked in Canadian nudie bars that sounds incredible we got to go yeah will you take us quag Maya please all right
let's do it but I don't want to get any crap from your wives about me taking you to a strip joint so you guys are going to have to lie about where we're going okay sure yeah no problem I'm a great liar okay we're good this way is it clear in your direction yep we now return to stabbed in the butt the only game show where if you get the answer wrong you get stabbed in the butt all right Bradley here's your question what is the atomic weight of nitrogen get him guys stab him in the butt okay bye y
ou guys guys I'm leaving now Peter tell me again why you're going to Montreal hey do I give you the third degree every time you go for one of those luxurious mammograms dad why can't we all go because somebody's got to stay here and round up all these rattlesnakes [Music] bye hey guys check it out what do you think ohow a private plane I just swing that Quagmire well let's just say I walked in on John Travolta with not Kelly Preston oh my God this plane is awesome Quagmire hey who's that oh that
's Jay private planing ton he invented private planes he was also the world's foremost squid Hunter I got a lot of big ideas too but everybody's just so jealous boy this is nice Hey Joe I'm going to go check out the John oh my God have you seen this look how fancy this thing is they even got a special map that lets you choose who you want to dump your poop on jeez the synagogue button's almost worn out oh my God Joe there's a man on the wing Peter there's no man on the wing there is I saw him Pe
ter stop being ridiculous I'm telling you lift up the shade there's a man on the wing fine it's me I'm the man on the wing Peter how the hell did you get out there are you crazy get back in here Peter what the hell's going on back there we're losing altitude hang on you guys I don't know if I can pull out of this giggity wow from up here everything looks so huge and coming [Music] [Music] faster what happened do we crash yeah we crashed wow still you know we saved so much trouble not flying comm
ercial I think we came out ahead sure drive right up to the plane exactly if we went to Logan that plane wouldn't crash for another hour at least oh they made pretty good time I'm bored Peter you made me crash the damn plane okay I know you're a pilot and everything but not Everyone likes to talk about planes as much as you Quagmire well we're at a cell phone range and the radio shot this is not good no one knows we're out here and we got no food or water relax Quagmire is's food all around us t
he trick is just knowing what's safe to eat and what's not okay these are a maybe hey guys I think for the time being we're going to have to start thinking in terms of survival yeah we're just going to have to do what Davey Crockett would do I mean that guy killed a bear when he was only three honey don't you think it's weird that our three-year-old son is murdering animals nonsense he's a healthy normal young boy boy m p i killed my pet raccoon why Davey so I could have this cool hat and cuz it
felt like heaven when I was doing [Music] it well it's getting dark we should probably start a fire man how do we do that hey do you think there's directions about starting fires in the song We Didn't Start the Fire I don't think so I better go through it all stuff stuff stuff and stuff history and stuff and stuff people people someone's name history and sports big disaster someone's name stuff and stuff and stuff and stuff history someone's name something I don't know famous guy movie star don
't know who these people are stuffing stuffing history yelling really loud at me okay how's the fire coming okay this should work if it rains at least we know we can stay dry yeah so now our number one concern is that predators are watching our body heat Peter that's just a movie that's not real no I think we need to cover ourselves in mud to avoid being seen Peter Joe's right that's only a movie oh God somebody fored ah it stinks we should not rule out the Predator having been the fighter okay
we still got nothing to eat so it looks like we're going to have to hunt animals for food and since we have no weapons I set up some traps and snares well I was about to take a leak can I go in that direction yes no ah damn it my legs I think they're broken yay Joe now you have a friend damn it Peter this is all your fault listen I wish you had a family to take care of you too but that's a choice you made here you go guys first time in a while I've had wood in my lap I are we supposed to laugh a
t that cuz it's upsetting man being out here sucks I mean I'm not a forest guy I'm I'm more of a take it all in at the beach guy excuse me sir this is private property what are you doing just taking it all in you're staring at my daughter's bedroom she's really grown into her body this is going to be a fun summer for her you guys we've been out here a couple days now and I don't think anyone's coming to get us it might be time for one of us to go for help well what do you want us to do Peter's t
he only one who can walk what you want me to just walk out there straight into the woods Peter if you don't the only other option is we sit here and wait to die all right I'll do it if I just keep keep walking I got to hit civilization at some point right thanks Peter yeah and good luck uhoh what well I hate to ask you this Quagmire but do you know how to change a diaper yeah of course I know how to change a diaper I saw Mr Mom four times that's not how you dry a baby he has to do it cuz his wif
e has the job but motherhood's a job motherhood's a job too though morning what the hell where'd you come from yeah what what are you doing out here in the middle of nowhere middle of nowhere no I live right over there what a plane crashes in your backyard and you don't say anything this is Canada eh I thought it might be rude to intrude on your plane crash well this is great news we're saved yes I suppose so listen why don't we head back to my place grab a bite to eat and watch the big curling
match on TV Canada's in the the world final against Mexico no no no no no no no no [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] no okay well we have to grab our friend Peter he just headed out that way to get help oh that's not good there's nothing in that direction but Wilderness for thousands of kilometers what you're kidding oh crap Peter Peter come back Peter Peter Peter I think he's [Music] gone I'm afraid he might not have survived Mrs Griffin we've been searching these Woods for weeks we've got
to keep looking he's got to be out there somewhere oh my God we're in Canada I get to use my new passport I hope my pi sure looks okay that's Liam Hemsworth no it's not it's me it's just a really good angle God just look for Peter God I'm sorry Mrs Griffin there's been no sign of your husband for 2 months we're going to have to suspend our search but there's got to be something we can do well the odds were always against us most black men don't possess the skills to survive out here in the wilde
rness my husband isn't black oh boy well then we need to regroup because we haven't been looking wait we may have a possible lead on Peter Griffin what oh my God where is he well we didn't find him but we found this and there's some scribbling on the back that says Mrs G we figure G has to stand for Griffin no that g isn't for Griffin it's for Garrett this is Mrs Garrett from The Facts of Life and Different Strokes why does everyone forget that kids you f father made this that's so weird dad get
s lost in the woods and he makes a doll it's not that strange it's kind of what Tom Hanks did in Castaway I'm sorry [Music] Wilson right here is where we found the doll okay everybody fan out and look for your father Peter Peter Dad Dad ass Peter thank God we found you are you okay what the hell looks like he's become some kind of feral Beast oh my God I can't live by society's rules [Music] either mom I still don't get it how could dad turn into some kind of feral creature just from two months
in the wilderness yeah it's weird he doesn't even talk well he was living among wild animals for two months and you know how impressionable your dad can be h Peter this is your home this is the couch where you sit oh yes that's the television kids I think he recognizes the TV we're all thinking it and he just does it you guys this is going to be harder than we thought I guess we're all just going to have to work together to reintroduce your father to civilized society well that's going to be a c
hallenge but it can't be any harder than folding that Thousand Mile Long sheet all right I got my corner everybody ready ready Chris ready Meg you know long ago before this happened your father did make some videos in case he ever became feral I guess they're worth a shot hello feral Peter if you're listening to this you've proba become feral and you're probably thinking of a nice juicy rabbit right now but this isn't who you really are Peter we got to get you back on track isn't that right budd
y look it's working okay good so feral Peter why don't you put in tape number two and let's get started don't listen to that Peter that Peter is a liar run be free they will enslave you all right now I've been trying to figure out something we can do together and I think I found it we're going to sing a song now I'll start and when I point to you you'll sing your part ready War yeah what is it good for absolutely nothing okay all right good job now let's try something else I want to get you home
and double up okay I like where this is going let's take it from the top I like lie oh damn it he's in the garbage again oh my God come on get out of the trash who threw out my sequin tap you're 43 accept it [Music] hey Lois oh hi Glen we just thought we'd come by and see how Peter was doing has he gotten any better I'm afraid not he's still only speaking gibberish yeah and we could live without the seamen throwing I'll tell you that I don't know what else to do we've tried everything to bring
the old Peter back but we can't break through to him Lois I think you've done all you can hard as it is to admit it might be time to let Peter be where he belongs what do you mean Brian we might have to release Peter back into the wild what we can't do that we'll never see him again enough time passes you'll forget all about him just like Inspector Gadget forgot about that one night stand Suzanne we have to talk okay someone has made contact with me someone from my past and well long story short
go go Guatemalan [Music] son Peter we all love you very much but we think maybe this is where you belong and where you'll be happy this is barely even a forest I can see an arbez through the trees you're free Peter whatever Adventures lie ahead of you know that my heart will always be with you now go go on get out of here I always knew one day this would happen we will never forget you but you're better off here why are we dragging this out at 6:30 go ahead Bea go on be with your own kind we're
all going to miss you Dad more than you know what my God I I think he's trying to talk to you quick mag say something else well okay um I love you Dad and no matter where you are you'll always be my father shut up I don't believe it Peter you talked me shut up me shut up Meg shut up Meg y you're back [Music] yay Jim your name is Jim Close Enough Peter come on you guys let's go home is she is she letting him drive boy I sure am happy to be back yeah Peter we thought we'd lost you for good and lu
ckily I don't know many words so I was able to relearn them all in a day don't ever leave us again Dad a sorry Chris but this weekend quagmi has taken me to a Canadian strip club he said he's put together a very special surprise just for me may damy miss you all the way from America please welcome Miss Charlotte Ray Mrs Garrett Mrs Garrett girls girls the Travel Channel presents backpacking through Europe with a bow-legged man in short shorts hello come let's see some beautiful sites together he
llo tree thank you for shade hello Mountain Cat thank you for controlling local rat population hello windmill thank you for the cheese ride and ball cooling next week bullet trains hello hey Dad are you busy I was thinking we could spend some time together okay are you a television set or the internet no oh then no no thank you are you sure cuz there's a 3-day weekend coming up and I thought maybe you and I could finally go fishing like we've been talking about ah sorry Chris I can't I got Insan
ity practice pin Wheels pin Wheels in my head voices Angry Fish how's he doing not good he still thinks this is practice of some sort but you promised we'd go fishing ah Chris I was just lying to you so you'd go away but if you leave me alone now I'll give you a billion dollars You've Got A Deal Peter you know it might help Chris to be to spend some time with his father well what's in it for old Pete he's your son don't you want someone to bond with no I only form unspoken [Music] bonds fire awa
y come on okay I'll talk to you later bye you guys that was my mom she said that Daddy broke his leg how apparently he got hurt at the mall C her please stop doing that we need to get you some new corduroys no none of the other boys are wearing corduroys I want dungies you're going to get hurt doing that no I'm not I'm the champ at doing this ow you jinxed me a damn it hey call that beeping cart that carries around the fat black people well I guess Babs has her work cut out for her actually mom
can't take care of him she's out of town doing a photo shoot for the cover of Vain's magazine so are you going to go take care of him mom I can't go I've got to go get my hair very minutely changed and then spend the next 14 hours trying to get people to notice wow Lois move you're blocking the TV what what do you think I think you're blocking the TV Peter is there anything you want to say to me all right Amy at work kissed me it is true that I did not step away but I did not lean in however in
my defense she had recently gotten her hair done differently I was actually thinking that maybe you could go help Daddy well not me mom last time I was at grandpa I beat him at Checkers and he punched one of my Hogans well what about Chris wait wait where is Chris he's upstairs in his room that's odd he never missed is a meal I better go check on him good idea I better check on my hairless twin in the storm shed close the door the Moonlight Burns it's almost Christmas it's almost Christmas Chris
tmas yes keep being good and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours can I meet the family you've overstepped no Christmas hey Chris are you okay holy crap it smells like fart in here those are my farts why doesn't dad ever want to spend time with me Chris come here sit down you know I love you right sweetie mom not in front of my posters and your father loves you too he just has trouble expressing his emotions I love Mike and mly I love Mike and I also love Marley and I don't care wh
o knows it you know Chris you've got a grandpa who could use your help right now I'm sure he'd enjoy spending time with you okay I'll give it a shot you're not going to kill yourself are you that would be a severe black mark on my record as a mom oh I'd have to make up stories of a severe mental illness make it seem a miracle you made it this long I could do that sucks about your leg Grandpa how you been doing well let me tell you this is awful I'm so bored I can't sleep I I I just have to lie h
ere and wait for my stupid leg to heal oh I'm really sorry Grandpa and the worst part about it is I can't have sex God I wish there was a way I could just do it myself you know just just to be done and napping within four minutes let me show you something that was amazing and Linda Carter wasn't actually here no that was just in your mind incredible so so you can do that like what once a year or something no you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else cool hey next time I wa
nt to try it with my hand hey Grandpa what should we do now you want to order a pizza that doesn't sound very exciting but now you can follow your order online there it is it's on vanan oh oh he's almost here wow he's really fast hey I got an idea let's put in two different orders and have him race you think it'll crash the system only one way to find out here's your p pizza that's 1650 we were playing a game with you that's what you are you're a clown are you going to pay for the pizza yes your
money is in this pile of mashed potatoes eat your way out no hands this is fun Chris I like hanging out with you don't look up you're not a part of this it's sounding really good grandpa I know I know sorry I'm late look Jason are you taking this seriously because Chris and I take this seriously you know if you're not going to show up to a rehearsal we'll find someone else who will all right we want to get some paying gigs sorry geez remember this is about writing music that means something to
us okay from the Top PA me the lius you can feel it in your nose that's how you know it's a medicated cough drop and not just a candy hey can we play one of my songs no no one wants to hear your stupid songs about nothing now let's play I fell in the sh shower so maybe we do need that bar 5 6 78 listen Chris I really want to thank you for coming to take care of me and helping me get well again no it was no big deal well it is to me and I want to give you some money for all your time come on you
you don't have to do that I just like getting to spend time with my grandpa you know I wait wait what you you're not going to take the money no I don't want your money I had fun hanging out with you well all right then hey Grandpa check it out when I make my elbow like this it looks like women's private parts Chris you just have a way of looking at things that's delightfully fresh we're not supposed to be doing this I bet we're not supposed to be doing this Teddy you're all better that's right p
umpkin and I have an important announcement to make I have decided to change my will and name my grandson Chris the sole heir to the purish mid Fortune what oh no my hairess twin got out hello family let's eat all the garbage we want Daddy you're seriously leaving your entire estate to Chris I mean what about Mom promise she'll be dead before I am I promise but grandpa I don't even want the money see this is exactly why you should get it so refreshing well I I don't want it either good cuz you'r
e not getting it come on what are you doing listen ker you take me out of your will I'm taking you out of mine Peter that wasn't your will that was your birth certificate oh no there's no light there's only fire look Carter I suppose you're entitled to do what you want but you know I'm just saying if it were me I would give all the money to charity oh yeah which charity well there are just so many that do such great work name just one um well you know poor green whale guns books you are such a f
raud why won't anyone help [Music] us what the hell I can't believe your dad's giving all his cash to Chris I know it's strange but in the end it's his money so who really cares well yeah but but what Peter did you marry me for my money of course not Lois but even you can't deny it was always going to be a huge perk did did I use that right perk yes Peter yeah I thought so but then it just sounded kind of weird when I said it it was fine thanks anyway I don't plan on losing out on any of that mo
ney so if you ask me we got to start sucking up to Chris right away what what what are you talking about I'm talking about Brown noosing Chris and getting on his good side perk no that's wrong no perk okay my bad but I've been counting on that money Lois it's always been critical to my master plan what master plan look I never told you this but for years now I've been planning on retiring at 45 so I can work on finding a cure for ballheimer disease P those testicles where did you get those I don
't remember he hey there he is oh boy hot dogs and Nintendo huh Chris dad what are you doing what's going on good one Chris good one why are you dressed like that I don't know I I just kind of felt like this is what cool people wear hey hey Chris how about you and me do a secret handshake that has way too many steps to remember all right okay Shake bump bump slap pinky hook pretend to Slick your hair back represent bump one spin slap High slap low reverse spin bump explode Shake belly rub fake y
ou on finger gun hitchhiker hitchhiker Shimmy Shimmy sham sham shake shake shake bump something smells and Shake again okay ready oh my God it's night time we now return to the director's cut of Mission Impossible 5 with the step stools not edited out you're coming with me because I'm definitely over 6 ft and you're not handsome hey Chris hey you remember that kid you said was bullying at school well here's his head that's not even him that's the DEA kid oh that was sign language I thought he wa
s trying to defend himself with terrible karate Chris I want to share with you a time worn fatherson tradition I am going to show you a film comedy from my youth that won't hold up welcome to the classic comedy meatballs oh that sounds great is it about a Pasta Factory or something no that's part of the joke who's the guy that's not a guy that's the hot chick where are her boobs flat with a decent face was the best we could hope for back then Miley cus had sex with a foam finger at like 600 p.m.
central Time this movie has a canoe that slowly sinks all right you know what forget it I'm just going to take my VCR my VCR head cleaning tape my VCR head cleaning spray my head cleaning rag and my rewinder and just get the hell out of here we now return to at the movies with two guys who watch the films on their iPhones good evening first off we're going to review Paul greengrass's Captain Phillips what did you think Bill well it got off to a great start but when it was my turn to play Words
With Friends it really took me out of it well that's a shame because visually when we come back the guys will review American Hustle H hey you guys jeez Peter you look exhausted ah I am I've been busting my ass for the last week trying to suck up to Chris the Chris what the hell for well Carter kind of decided he's going to leave all his money to Chris so I've been trying to get on his good side I even cleaned this room for him the other day wish I hadn't done that Chris our bath is ready I uh I
don't I don't know what to do now I I don't have the parenting skills necessary to deal with this I say we never speak of this again I I might move you know what I say good for Chris and whatever lucky girl he ends up Mak yeah or lucky guy if he ends up being gay lucky guy wait a minute you guys just gave me an idea what's he doing up there he's a cat he can't play no tuba no wait actually you guys gave me two ideas mumbling while asleep to indicate dream content Chris Chris wake up I have some
thing very important to ask you Chris there there comes a time when every man looks at his son and thinks I want to take this to the next [Music] level Chris Griffin will you marry me what is it even legal for a man to marry his son it isn't for what as long as it's a man and a man anything goes up there they're a bunch of liberal degenerates I don't know it seems really weird I mean aren't Men supposed to marry women no no no that's just all of human history except for the last 5 months we'll j
ust be like best Pals and besides there's plenty of people who are married and don't have sex like Will Smith and that Pitbull why do you even want to marry me it's time to settle down and simplify things like maybe having one ATM card and One bank account say yours oh I get it so what do you say when you're married you get to spend all your time together doing things like playing catch and going fishing right well the best marriages give each other space but yes Chris then yes I will marry you
Dad oh that's wonderful news you should know this ring is very special it used to belong to your mother wait what about Mom I'm afraid that's over Chris Lois wake up I need you to sign this legal document huh what is this it's a petition to force that hot mom to wear something appropriate at PTA meetings oh thank God no dad I don't know what normal is [Music] anymore so now you know my complete sexual history Chris wow I'm surprised you got fooled by a bear in a wig it wasn't a wig it was a hair
system well whatever why do we have all these appointments wedding DJ florist because Chris it takes time to plan a perfect wedding you don't want to jump to gun you know like when you respond to a text too [Music] quickly so should we get started with your bridal registry yeah um I'd like to furnish my kitchen as if I'm the greatest Chef in the world world even though I've never cooked before that's what we do okay great all right we'll start with the 9 Grand in copper bottom cookware holy wac
ka dad what don't what me you know what you did hey I may be your husband and your dad but I'm still a man yeah we're looking to plan our post wedding Sunday breakfast you know when everyone's sick of us of course and excellent do you have a table for the couple that barely made it through the weekend without breaking up absolutely can I put them near the couple that hooked up drunk and now have to make awkward small talk until their cab to the airport arrives sure and maybe they could go next t
o the vastly underdressed cousin who thinks the world revolves around him I have just the spot will there be a physically frail fall down Uncle indeed and we'd like to have him walk through a maze of chair legs anything else yes we did invite a black couple um even though we only met them 3 months ago but we would like them to be prominently featured to let other guests know how tolerant and wonderful we are I'm excited for your first dance and now we're ready to add music what's your song you k
now I've given it a lot of thought and I went with the most romantic song ever Stars and Stripes Forever by John philli suser March March March March Can You Feel the soldiers Chris so many have fallen and this is why they were fighting for a man to marry his son in a state with enough trees around that nobody can see what's going on going [Music] on it was nice of the guests at the cat funeral to stay for our wedding yeah and I bet you're especially happy we're getting married on a Thursday Sch
ool yuck right welcome friends loved ones and people who are waiting for the 3:00 check-in time with nothing better to do just let us put our bags in there I'm literally going to grab my shorts and leave I understand the two of you have written your own vows Chris to express my love I turned to the words of the only poet that blew caller New England scumbags like me know Robert Frost two roads diverged in a wood and I I took the one less traveled now I ain't no Scara but if that's not a metaphor
for Major League butt stuff I don't know what is thank you Chris stop the wedding leis how did you find out about this pea several people have called the police about a man marrying his son it's not not normal Peter Peter Griffin oh God is everyone from your past here to walk you down the aisle Peter you cannot do this you cannot marry a son I don't care how much money Daddy's left him don't listen to your mother Chris it's cuz of her we have bed times Chris come on we're going home he can't ma
ke you do this but Mom I want to do this what I know he's marrying me for my money but I don't care dad and I spent more time together planning this wedding than we ever had before and if being married means I get to spend even more time with my dad then it's worth it wait you knew all along I just wanted you for your money yeah Dad I did wow oh boy I've been a real jerk I'm sorry Chris but you know what I'm going to make it up to you starting right now Chris Griffin will you be my son yes Dad O
MG the photographer is like obsessed with me well let's all go home you guys I think we've had enough excitement for one day yeah and I guess I learned it's wrong to take your son to Vermont under false pretenses to try to marry him for his inheritance you you should have known that well we should probably get going I think this adventure is over interestingly however I did run into Chris again it was on the upper west side of Manhattan he was with another dad I was with another son but it was n
ice reminiscing about old times for you kids watching this is a reference to a Woody Allen movie wow you guys I've never been to a restaurant where they cook right in front of you you know later we're going to have to take one of those forced happiness family photos that come in the restaurant's tacky frame why are you so negative all the time I uh uh what come on you guys relax relax let's have a fun night we haven't done anything as a family since we sat courtside at that NBA [Applause] game y
ou okay you guys okay great seats yeah it's a whole different game when you sit down here huh samurai or gishes which one am I I'll just wait till somebody else goes in well that wasn't helpful h this one's holding a fan that's usually what I need when I'm done in a bathroom Y no urinals must have guessed [Music] wrong wow look at this place this candles hand lotion waa there's not even any swasti carved into the toilet seat then it's so peaceful I haven't heard a guy boom and fart the whole tim
e I've been in here I feel more relaxed than a chick on Facebook with her legs in front of a pool [Music] all right Lois I'm off to the mall I'll be back in about 20 minutes oh what are you going to buy nothing after the other night I made a decision from now on I'm only using women's restrooms what you can't do that you're a man you'll get in trouble oh I got that Cen I'm going to anthropology I'll just ask them for something so ridiculous they'll have to check in the back for it and then I'll
s into their ladies room yes I'd like a $4,000 pingpong table that's shaped like Easter Island we have one right over there okay how about a telephone that's made of vintage phone book paper and doesn't make or receive phone calls or work in any way you mean like this one right here right but what if I wanted sir sir there's nothing you can possibly imagine that's strange or useless enough that we don't have it here at anthropology I know one thing you don't have Black customers I'm melting to t
he ladies [Music] room wow this is the nicest one yet what are the odds she's going to show up did you get your ass kicked by stre no it was just some low class Cockney woman from the mid 1800s and Bravo she is amazing thank you stay out of my crapper and the Oscar goes to Merill stre for stay out of my [Music] Crapper the lady's room at Wimbledon this must be the fanciest bathroom in the world uh-oh looks like these are in [Music] use [Music] Deuce hey h Don't Tell Mom that we don't use car sea
ts with me unhand me what do you think you're doing okay Stewie you're going to help Daddy by holding his iPad while he watches season one of House of Cards where was the house where was the House of Cards all right Stewie time to go whoa whoa little wobbly guess my legs fell asleep yeah Stewie daddy can't feel his legs go get help I'm hanging from a door you idiot by the way you're down to 5% battery a damn it my head well no wonder you're running all the apps at once sir sir can you hear me th
ere he is welcome back buddy who are you I'm a paramedic named Striker Fox oh Lois just texted burgers or meatballs for dinner I'll text back for you same thing [ __ ] just different shapes oh this is going to be fun oh battery died sir you sustained a head injury how many chicken fingers am I holding up and do you want one three and hell yeah these are amazing did I die and go to heaven well you didn't die cuz I saved you and you're not in heaven cuz you're not holding a margarita oh wait a min
ute yes you are you brought a lot of food in the bathroom I always do oh my God are you the coolest guy ever nah that's just a silly title they gave me down at the karate paintball dirt bike club awesome okay well bandage you up you should be good to go but just be more careful next time I know what a stupid injury huh I haven't been this embarrassed since I was a rookie [Music] firefighter sorry first day still learning hey Striker wait Hey listen I just wanted to say thanks again for patching
me up no problem buddy hey that's an interesting necklace you got there oh this it's from when I was a kid it's half of a best friend coin I always had this crazy dream that one day I'd run into the guy with the other half oh my God Cody oh that must be the name of the Dead Surfer I found this on we now return to the Olympics G it's so annoying they always use Football announcers for events they know nothing about the players are ready to take the swimming field and they're swimming they appear
to be doing the forward stroke my neighbor has a pool I'll take a dip if I know they're on vacation it's neck and neck and it looks like Canada won oh no they're going back the other way what do you think how do I look like a gas station energy drink but you put that on to go to the clam aren't the guys going to think you're a little overdressed oh I'm not hanging out with the guys I met someone new his name's Striker and he's really cool like he's one of those guys whose forearm hair makes his
watch look even cooler it's Striker I want him to think I was listening to a cool song yeah who this oh hey man oh nothing much just getting slurped e oh you're almost here okay okay just just give me a second so I can put away all my guitar okay see crust out bye what the hell was that lay off nothing hey Peter hey man H chaa hi hi Peter I don't know it's it's this house I got to get out of this house boy dad sure seems excited I know I haven't seen him this giddy since he discovered that singl
e Loop roller coaster [Music] all don't feel so good [Music] e [Music] e wow what a cool Loft I bet it cost a ton to make this place look unfinished hey come over here there's someone I want to introduce you to 1990 8 7 George Clooney wow that's the coolest George Clooney there is hi George Clooney second worst Batman Peter Griffin second best Homer you may have heard I'm also known for my practical jokes on the set one time I nailed Nora Dunn in the head with an apple that that's hilarious cuz
you're handsome otherwise you're just some dick who hit a lady a thanks for bringing me here Striker I'm having the best time ever even better than when I lived in Santa Fe have you ever seen a PR Sunset never it's just so peaceful here it sure is sure is did you also have a very public meltdown in another city I did yeah [Music] yeah ah it's the guys what are those losers want losers those are your friends nah they're lame not one of of them is ever Vaped at a funeral hey Peter hey what are you
doing tonight we're going to watch Cleveland put a garbage can full of coins in a coin store sometimes it takes my buttons ah thanks guys but I I can't make it I'm um I'm getting recircumcised got a wedding next week I just want to clean it up a bit oh that's too bad yeah maybe next time that sounds horrible pea why did you just lie to the guys guys I got plans with Striker I don't want them to embarrass me I get where he's coming from that's why I never introduced you to my friends what friend
s like the guys in my photography club dear Gary Glitter Jeffrey Jones and Jared from Subway I feel like I'm the only one sending picks I love all the positive feedback but maybe you guys send a pick anyway here's more pics hey you ever try that Wing suiting I mean basically yeah one time I jumped off a top bunk with a towel around my neck like a cape it was inside the Ikea I landed on a cardboard computer we should totally do that sometime now I can't go back there they got my picture by the do
or hey he is in here what the hell are you guys doing here we were coming back from the coin star and saw your car out front rough night turns out the can was all buttons we're not going to make our mortgage what are you doing here I thought you were too busy to go out tonight Peter who are your friends oh um Striker this is Quagmire Joe and Cleveland how do you two know each other did you meet at the Harry Potter store Peter loves that place it was one wand and I was using a gift certificate lo
ok like a second elbow I don't know what it is feels like it's filled with liquid well I could take a look at it no no no no guys guys it's his night off I have two pee holes stop it stop guys can I talk to you look this this right here is exactly why I've been avoiding you I knew you'd embarrass me in front of strike it who cares he's just some dude he's not just some dude he happens to be the first really cool friend I've ever had what are you talking about we're cool you are absolutely not co
ol oh yeah well then why do those teenagers on the way in say cool wheelchair dick look Peter if you're so embarrassed by us and you think we're losers well then we don't want to hang out with you either good who needs you bums I got stri it oh yeah well I hope you two are happy together you jerk cool wheelchair dick thanks did you see the backpack hanging off it [Music] wow you know I never thought I could be talked into wingshooting you're going to love it it's just a short hike from here to t
he summit a hike it's no problem shouldn't affect my old football injury I spilled hot chili on my nuts you're a riot Peter hey you sure you're up for this oh hell yeah when I come this something I go all the away like when I had Kathleen Turner's voice good morning guys Peter what's wrong with your voice I got punched in the throat at the clam last night now I sound exactly like Kathleen Turner I'm just going to get my strong buly hey get away from my strum buly Kathleen [Music] Turner wow that
's uh that's some view I know isn't it you see that rock formation over there we're going to fly right through the center of it it's called threading the needle totally intense uh-huh uh-huh yeah or or how about this maybe you jump off this cliff and I spin around over there and sing Sound of Music or or we could just go home and watch Sound of Music I can see you're a little nervous Peter but I'm telling you it is easier than you think watch [Music] wow look at him go you know just when I thoug
ht he couldn't get any cooler he go holy oh my God oh my God oh what what there's almost nothing left of him and I just know I'm going to be the one to have to identify the body that's him poor guy he looks like a bowl of tomato soup guy next to him died in a fire he looks like a grilled cheese sandwich oh these two poor souls are the best combination for a rainy [Music] Saturday so hey guys what are we drinking beer hey Quagmire how about one of your famous sexual stories take a hike Peter h oh
you you mean something Joe can't do friendly jokes indicating closeness we heard about Striker dying yeah craps yeah give it up we know the only reason you're here is cuz your cool friend is gone that's right we're not your floppy seconds Peter it's actually sloppy well for me it's both but listen you really hurt our feelings you can't just treat us like garbage and then expect us to take you back like nothing happened okay that's that's too bad cuz that was kind of my plan well you can go to h
ell Peter we're tired of you taking us for granted yeah this isn't even the the first time you ditched us for someone else remember when you blew us off to hang out with Jerry Seinfeld Julia Lou dfus has a lot of Emmys now [Music] yeah why did your wife steal that cookbook Peter I'm sorry about your friend Striker I know it's got to be hard to watch a man explode like a bug on a windshield no it's it's not that I mean I do see that every time I close my eyes but it's the guys they're really mad
at me and I'm I'm afraid they don't want to be friends with me anymore well it's hard to blame them you treated them like you don't even care about them I do care about them it's just when I hung around with Striker people thought I was cool and it it felt good no one ever thinks I'm cool your friends thought you were cool until you dumped them oh wow I guess you're right I treated him like crap I just got to find a way to make it up to him you got any ideas mom dad can Gary Glitter Jeffrey Jone
s and Jared from Subway spend the night I don't know Peter but it's got to be something really meaningful because imagine how they feel after all you were willing to jump off a cliff for Striker well they didn't say yes but they didn't say no you're right thanks Lois and now I know exactly what I have to do uh where the hell are you going Lois told me to go jump off a cliff to prove my friendship to the guys are are you are you sure that's what she said I I don't know Brian her shirt was kind of
open I was trying to get a peek down there anyway I got to go jump off a cliff Peter wait hold on this is crazy damn it where's Peter going huh oh for God's sake hey Quagmire Cleveland and Joe it's your buddy Peter and I'm about to thread the needle to prove to you guys how sorry I am and that I do anything to win your back and if something goes wrong and I don't survive you can go ahead and delete the Kennedy Center Honors from my DVR I'm I'm never going to watch that okay here goes nothing I
just wish the sponsor on my suit was a little cooler [Music] Peter stop don't jump Brian told us you were going to why you wearing a douche suit they also make wipes they're not known for their wipes Peter you don't have to jump off a cliff to prove you're sorry not all of us believe that but we took a vote and I agreed I'd respect the majority look you really treated us badly but the fact that you'd be willing to literally risk your life just to show us how much you care well that says a lot li
sten I'm so sorry if being cool means I don't get to hang out with you guys then I don't ever want to be cool what do you say can we just go back to being friends of course you bet Totes My Goats Totes My Goats maybe you guys are cool fist bump crap oh my God Peter should I shoot him make it go quicker I got a shot too late you didn't answer quick enough [Music] hey I'm doing it this ain't so hard guys I'm going to do it I'm going to thread the needle what we can't hear you we're very far away o
h my God I did it I was actually able to thread the oh crap Canadian goose look out damn it son of a bit I think I'm okay [Music] Nicholls well it's good to be back you guys and I'm sorry again I dumped you for Striker Who the hell's this Striker guy you keep talking about what do you mean he's that cool handsome guy I was friend friends with he's the whole reason I went Wing suiting and hurt my head Wing suiting Peter you hurt your head in a lady's bathroom yeah your legs fell asleep and you ba
shed it against a sink you were in a coma for 2 weeks you must have dreamed about this Striker or something no we were buddies we rode on his motorcycle and he introduced me to 1997 George Clooney okay well right there you should have known it wasn't real huh well whether it was real or not I want you to know you are of best friends I've ever had of course we know that Peter and we feel the same way hey this is a really weird question but do you boys want to go out dancing that night we danced u
ntil the sun came up we forgot all about my coma and my crazy dream about a cool guy we were just four middle-aged men doing ecstasy at a Mexican prom I'm [Music] Peter Hey where's Quagmire actually I haven't seen him all week he thinks he found a new lady friend don't say me thinks ever again Joe hey there he is hey guys what what's all this oh this little Oogie woie is my new friend albertine who thinks she's French she loves to smoke and feels it's not truly a meal unless you serve bread isn'
t that right albertine you got to serve bread I don't believe she's ever said any of that so where have you been low these many days no well you know how there's hardly any cat cafes in town well I decided to open a cat cafe what's a cat cafe it's like a coffee shop except one where lots of cats live and roam he thinks the Cat Cafe sounds like a great idea that's it Joe I challenge you to a duel pistols at midnight Peter did you bring a flamethrower no I also didn't bring one of them laser guns
from Ghostbusters Joe look look I got me a West good we'll keep him till we get a new M principal Shepherd we were so surprised to get your call what's going on Mrs Griffin Meg and Chris were caught cheating what yes they had the Lost Boys of the Sudan standing in for them in gym class nice block Griffin Nice Shot other Griffin this is terrible what do you think about this Pete huh bad very [Music] bad here it is guys what do you think I'm realizing I may have a cat allergy I think it's great Gl
enn and people really seem to be enjoying themselves boy if I could clean myself with my tongue I'd never leave the house right and it's like if I had nine lives maybe I'd finally find a man you joining [Music] me Peter we have to talk what fireworks after what happened today with Megan Chris at school I sent an email to my sister and 5 minutes later Google ads suggested a Christian Family Camp yeah the world's better now that corporations read our most private Communications and then sell back
at us the very things they've EES dropped about even before this I'd worried about our church attendance dropping off now with the kids showing a complete lack of morals well we may all need to go to Christian Family Camp Lois you know I love you like a brother but I'm not doing that I'd only get in an awkward campfire crackle argument with a counselor Jesus has love for everyone uh actually what Jesus has is the might of Western Civilization Jesus has guns Germs and Steel sorry the wood is very
wet uh actually the wood is very dry wet wood hisses dry wood crackles during uncomfortable silence I like cutaways where I get to be [Music] smart what the what the hell is that hey shut up don't look at me I'm dominant Ryan what are you doing here what am I doing here what is all this I happen to own this place it's a cat cafe now get out of here you making all my cats angry that's why they're hissing actually frightened cats hiss angry cats moan you can't open this place here it's right next
to my favorite bar go to hell Brian you don't own this block I'm not going going anywhere fine but I'm about to become your worst nightmare no way I've already had my worst nightmare I've told you about my worst nightmare right no I I don't think so oh boy get comfortable well first I'm driving through a forest but it's actually inside which is weird right okay there's all these people in the van who normally wouldn't know each other in real life my second grade teacher my mom Joe but it wasn't
quite Joe so all the kids are yelling at me in German and I understood them but I don't speak German and then SNL is starting and I'm clearly in the cast and I haven't been to any of the rehearsals and all the Q cards are blank and that show is all Q cards and just as that's sinking in I realize I'm also the musical guest I mean I can't pull that off who do I think I am Silver Chair and the weird thing is I have this dream over and over listening to other people's nightmares is my worst nightma
re oh thank God I got to shut down that cat place okay Peter the kids and I are off the church camp mag Chris the Vans are here wait a minute you got any booze in that bag Mister no sir well then how you going to make any friends at Camp here you go now chug all this next to a lake you little [Music] rascal shut down the Cat Cafe it's a nuisance and a threat to Public Health oh forget God's sake city ordinance 321c States food or drink shall not be prepared or consumed within 20 ft of fecal matt
er damn it Brian also Persian cats let's call them what they are Iranian cats this entire operation needs to be shut down and as long as Brian's got your attention is it taking anyone else longer to wipe more wipes these days I'm taking shorter poops but with longer wipes and there's always this one little line I swear to God it's like there's a crayon down there wait excuse me for a minute son of a gun it was a crayon thanks for letting me talk that out [Music] everybody Wikipedia states that t
oxoplasmosis is a parasitic disease spread by exposure to infected cat feces damn it Brian get out of here you're scaring away my customers they also ring you up on one of those tablets they flip around at you and glare while you pick from three inflated tip percentages you can also choose no tip but that option is by Design much less prominent you're a jerk but fine if it's a fight you want you got one I will squash you like a bug well that's enough of that show but Dad we want to see what happ
ens at Christian Camp all right but they're on thin [Music] ice welcome to Sunrise Woods Bible Camp I'm the camp director ver nice to meet you where the Griffins why are all these trees bunched together those are Woods Chris I only like rooms what a lovely setting yes the fresh air really helps clear your mind of thoughts of Tom celic ah how frighteningly specific mom this place sucks it's even worse than when Dad sent us to 1940s comedy School say Corporal what are you writing in your diary it'
s private take a look now that's some good clean fun also in the 1940s 6 million Jews died that's it we're done this show is not for the bug [Music] steens good evening quite a battle Brewing clever news pun doesn't really work as I haven't yet mentioned the subject of the story at coh Hog's new Cat Cafe Asian reporter Trisha Takanawa filed this report Tom I'm standing here outside of coh Hog's new Cat Cafe local resident Brian Griffin has described the cafe as a threat to Public Health that's r
ight Trisha and since I'm on local TV I'm going to talk a little too loud and then occasionally I'm going to turn away from the microphone to point of things off camera so my overall point is lost powerful claims thank you Brian [Music] okay Brian I brought everything we need water sunscreen fruit rollups batteries Stewie you know you're not allowed to have fruit rollups damn I tried to bury it in there what are you even wearing oh this is what Princess Diana wore to protest landmines it's sad s
he's not around to watch her son go bald Brian I'm glad you're here based on the various public health concerns you raise the city has decided to shut this establishment down really you're closing the cafe that's right thanks to you I'm out of business I certainly hope you're have oh nice tops Stewie come on lock it up until the Board of Health gives the okay you're done wow I actually got the place shut down I'm glad I was here for this Brian we've hardly done anything together since we made th
at fiber commercial and had to use code words for pooping wow Brian I've never felt so regular yes you seem exceptionally active while maintaining proper body Health that's right just two spoonfuls a day to stay regular and active more coffee Stewie yes please oh dear that was a mistake you mean you're about to be active currently active cut to the shot of them stirring the product into water gurgl Max take a massive Comfort oh god oh there's regular on the carpet oh there's so much regular how
are those drawings of Jesus coming okay a little dark on the hair there let's lighten it up lighten it up eyes should be blue remember history says that Jesus does not look like a traditional man from the Middle East but rather someone who sells raw milk online okay let's put those away for now I'd like to move on to having you all sign your contracts with God contracts with God yep it's a written commitment to forego all alcohol drugs and self-pleasure yeah I'm going to have my lawyer look at [
Music] this I tell you it's a good day Stewie now that that Cat Cafe is gone I can finally get back to my favorite bar and do some writing whoa sorry can't let you in there what I come in here all the time well apparently due to some recent public health concerns the city has said that no animals of any kind are allowed in any public esta establishment what you got to be kidding me well that's all right Brian we can go to my writing spot Brian look at my jump look at my jump look at my jump wa t
his place has the best pizza and Pepsi Brian did you hear me the best pizza and Pepsi oh no my pizza and [Music] Pepsi oh hey Peter come on in thanks for coming by all right no problem buddy here I brought you something I figured anyone living alone with 73 cats needs to have a double XL Minnie Mouse sweatshirt thank you so much this won't fit at all it's perfect so how's it going not bad got plenty of company well that's good I haven't seen you at the clam well I've been pretty busy so can I ge
t you something to drink sure what do you got well I've got water with cat hair in it h anything else I've got lemonade with cat hair in it kind of a summer drink anything else oh sure cat hair hair ginger ale nope cat hair iced tea again summer you want to just take a look in the fridge see what I got sure someone just had kittens in my [Music] mouth what's up what are you doing nothing just sitting here trying to figure out why we have stupid purple couches have you ever known anyone in your l
ife to own a purple couch I would assume Steve Javy that actually sounds right but but what is this a picture of a mountain when have we ever been to a mountain what mountain even is it that's Mount Cog yeah I don't know it feels made up Brian is this all because you haven't been able to get a drink I haven't been able to go anywhere no dogs allowed in public places yes I was thinking about that what if there was a way for you to go [Music] out emotional support animal wear this every place will
have to let you in so long as I'm with you where'd you even get that thing the letters are ironon the vest is from when I worked at Office Depot one pen you're buying one pen yep you don't work in an office you can steal this from I work from home Office Depot we're coming [Music] Blockbuster mom we don't really have to get baptized do we no Meg just hang towards the back of a line good plan Chris stop believe in yourself you've got those PE eyes brother Chris do it again sister Lois oh no than
ks you'd have no way of knowing this but I'm actually having a very good hair day when my hair gets wet I tend to look like a frazzled Sandra bulock from one of her comedies my ex-husband had Nazi paraphernalia and he left me so I said that shirt looks really good on you and he says thanks my boyfriend got it for me he's like whoo all I said was I like the shirt and he has to drop boyfriend like a nuclear bomb I that's on him right yeah I don't know you're supposed to be giving me emotional supp
ort right now let's just get to the bar no no Brian say something nice about me right now come on Stewie that's not what this is it is now say something nice about me or I'll disappear like a serial killer in a '90s movie Stewie wait I need you to get in I'm going to do [Music] it okay who's ready for some breakfast oh crap another one died hey hey stop eating her get away okay new house rule everyone look at me don't eat the dead cats oh hey quag we came to see how it's going uh how's it going
I got a dead cat on a pitchfork I don't even know which can to put in in trash yard trimmings recycling I just put whatever in whatever hey guys check it out cat legs cats arise guys it's [Music] working I'm not [Music] dead okay we're getting out of this place tonight everyone clear on the plan yep Megan ice which faces like in the movie face off no oh then we have an issue I told you we should ask Mom first why would you think that just you two Follow My Lead You know Vera I've been so moved b
y my time here at Camp I wonder if I could perhaps say grace tonight oh that'd be lovely Lois well I'd like to begin with a moment of silence a fully counted out Mississippi 60c moment of silence and the first one to open their eyes is gay up here My Eyes Are Open too there was something in the air that night the were bright [Music] fando they were shining there for you and me forty Fernando though we never thought that we could [Music] lose ah good riddens Christian Family Camp totally I will s
ay though it seemed like Chris enjoyed himself there well Meg you know Chris is a little bit dumb and I know you're not particularly popular or beautiful but you do have a hat on your shoulders so religion isn't going to be for people like you and me it's basically for stupid people like Chris so to summarize religion for you and me no good but for idiots like Chris perfect what are you guys talking about how handsome you are really swear to God you're a monster [Music] stupid law Banning dogs K
ibbles and bits and bits and bits you you son of a [ __ ] this is all your [Music] fault what the [Music] you're thirsty boy yeah you're a thirsty boy wait a minute we're fighting now time to make my get away Ryan oh my God are you all right here let me mend you like in a 1990s action movie oh thanks that is better look at us what are we doing I don't even know anymore you know what I'm sorry I destroyed your dream Quagmire I know you loved that Cafe wow um thanks Brian why did you open that pla
ce anyway well honestly I just thought that maybe I could put something good in the world for a change what do you mean I mean that I've always been about sex and seducing women but you know what someday I'm going to be dead and I mean is that my legacy I just thought if I created something that makes people happy maybe people would remember me for that you probably think that's stupid Quagmire I'm here for you for emotional support thanks Brian what do you say you want to go for a walk I always
want to go for a walk hey does anyone know what's going on with my brown crayon because it disappeared from the box for a while and now it's back it's a little I don't know oily and misshapen I'm not a crayon scientist but it looks like it's seen some [Music] heat the city repealed a law prohibiting animals from public businesses today and finally tonight this city there now it's in your head too well I'm glad you get to go out in public again Brian I'm glad you Chris and Meg are back from that
Christian Camp hey where is Meg anyway oh she was so mad I dragged at a Christian Camp she ran away to live with a Japanese [Music] family hey Meg what's up a cool kid said what's up oh it was just a dream Goldie no fifth one this week oh my God Mr clompers Stay With Me Mr clompers stay with me you son of a [ __ ] there's only one way to turn this day around Crouch behind a dumpster in the back of Quiznos and wait for the half-eaten Subs to be thrown out Yep looks like things are finally starti
ng to turn around for the megao hey what are you doing I'm not a dumpster put me down man this job sucks I don't know ladies running with trash bags and no bras on is pretty cool sometimes wait right on Q and now the mine creates scenarios and so [Music] forth hey what are you doing home from work yeah some sicko called in a bomb scare and They confiscated everyone's phones and I was told to take the day off Peter did you call in the bomb scare God you sound just like them for the last time mayb
e well since you're home you can watch my daytime shows with me hello there's a bomb in the TV leave the remote and exit the room now nice try but we're watching The View Welcome to The View today we're talking about mansplaining Megan McCain you go first I thought Megan McCain quit oh yes she did they replaced her with a dozen feral cats and a kinera dress and no one can tell the difference the cats have an important dead Dad so we got to hear them out it's the Kelly Clarkson show she's got a s
how now yes and she's actually very funny if you're a woman who claps when the plane lands give me that thing aren't there any daytime TV shows hosted by men Peter are you kidding me conversations between men are boring I've heard what you and the guys talk about me and the guys would be great at hosting one of these shows we talk about interesting stuff all the time just this past weekend we were talking about how a lot of people don't know which one is Chip and which one is Dale well it's actu
ally very simple Chip's nose is black and Dale's nose is red and if you need help remembering you say chocolate chip the Chipmunks were easier because they had big leg is on their shirts but that's Tuesday's show oh please all men run out of things to say to each other after 20 minutes oh yeah well if guys are so bad at talking how come reg just filin is still yapping so Joy hands me a box and I open it and it's the same Dawn sweater from last Christmas can you believe that coming up Angels Davi
d Banis look at Kathy Lee She's fanning [Music] herself oh Meg what happened to you you I straight up thought that was post Malone for a hot second I just had the worst day of my life now if you don't mind I'm going to bake cookies from scratch and eat them until I puke me I think what you're going through are typical teenage emotions trust me everything will change when you go to college speaking of guess who got a letter from the University of Rhode Island today wait what and it came in a big
envelope you know what that means finally some good news from the office of admissions at at the University of Rhode Island wow so official hey sorry we ran out of small envelopes you didn't get in Meg I'm so sorry I just have to accept it I'll never be [Music] happy a talk show for man that's a great idea yeah imagine getting paid to talk about stuff we already talk talk about around this table hey that could be the title bar table talk oh guys check it out Tom tuck is wasted at the bar again h
old on Channel 6 I I want to see what Doppler those dinks are working with a 3,000 H what are they telling us the weather in 2004 hey fellas I'll be right back boy it's fun to fantasize about having a talk show but sadly that's all it's going to be cuz ain't nobody putting four guys with zero experience on TV yeah you're right start thinking of warmed to Hot Topics fellas what are you talking about I just spoke to Tom Tucker a few months ago I did him a big favor and he said if there's anything
he could ever do for me just ask so I just asked and he said yes gentlemen say hello to the hosts of your new channel 5 daytime talk show oh my God that's amazing this is awesome wait Joe what was the favor you did for Tom Tucker I mustache that for him over the holidays we said rise of Gru and then bed that was the deal we made I'm sorry you're having a hard time I'm having a hard time [Music] too hey what the heck are you guys doing those are my cookies Meg these are literally the best cookies
I've ever had in my life yeah they're incredible did you switch up the recipe no I don't think so so good Meg I'd have another but I got to see Dean later Dean's my trainer guy kicks my freaking ass you must have done something different these are are [Music] fantastic I think my tears falling into the batter must have made these cookies taste different not different delicious last week Dean was saying I'm the most ripped guy he trains off the record of course Meg I think this could be the star
t of a business people would pay a premium for cookies this good really h a business is a lot of work unless maybe you guys want to help out I'd be happy to I'll do it so m Wednesday and Friday is a Dean days other than that I'm down I'm in ketosis by the way this is exciting you guys we just have to find a way to get the word out about these cookies well I don't think we'll have to worry about that I just got an email back from the one show that'll put our product in front of the entire country
long hallway Shark Tank first up make Griffin and family with a new Twist on a popular [Applause] snack [Music] hello sharks I'm here to [Music] we have so many new cookie orders which means we've got a lot of baking to do let's get going sorry if I'm in a busy kitchen I'm going to have to scream at someone golden ramsy style a raw egg you're going to kill someone 20 years of being in the business and you're the biggest buffoon I've ever met now let's step outside where I'll speak to you in an
entirely different tone what's going on with you tell me hey I don't I don't know you're overwhelmed trying to live up to your father's expectations aren't you yeah I guess listen your father Nikos was a proud Greek man who came to this country with nothing but a baklava and a dream but he's gone now and you have to accept that now those people in there need a leader not a friend understood yes thank you Chef ramsy I have tremendous respect for you and what you do for people's businesses good no
w just don't Yelp any places from the show or eat at any of my restaurants in Las Vegas [Music] oh from Peter turn on channel five right now welcome to the first episode of bar TBL talk finally a show for men by men football you've got to be kidding me now check out our theme song called guys just want to have fun which is just each of us yelling guys over the parts where they sing girls and Girls Just Want to Have Fun guys guys [Music] guys guys damn it Joe this is why I wanted to use the Boer
back in town but no welcome back now it's time for the clenched buttock urinal fart of the day sent in by Jean Koslowski and Imperial tool and die in Kenosha Wisconsin let her rip [Music] Jean you just know that one had the power of a state fair sausage behind it impressive stuff coming up all the people from your wife's work she claims are horrible who surprise aren't disgusting I can't believe that's my husband although I shouldn't be surprised after what happened on our wedding night PETA are
you ready sorry I already masturbated there was a seashell on top of the toilet that looked like a [Music] boob okay lunch is over we got more cookie orders to take care of all right let's get our sister crying I was all right for a while I could smile for a while but I saw you last night you held my hand so tight as you stopped to say all you wish me well you couldn't tell that I been crying over you cry over you crying and that's why the Eagles are the best yard work band of all time I'm sorr
y are we in a world where the Steve Miller Band was never born oh this show gets Dumber by the second just come in who even cares anymore oh hi Daddy what are you doing here I sto by oh no way I love this show oh is Mega around she's in the kitchen excellent well aren't you going to ask how I'm doing Lois I can see one two three amp traps I know how you're doing oh four oh hey Carter what are you doing here Grandpa word has gotten around about your cookies and I have a business opportunity for y
ou I'm throwing a party for my billionaire friends on Friday and I'd like you to cater it oh my God we'd love to uh Meg maybe let a graduate of the Howard Schultz Master Class handle this I'm prepared to offer you 10,000 we'll do it pennies 10,000 pennies or $100 oh dude you blew it just kidding I'm super rich I'll pay you 50 Grand holy crap $50,000 I'll need 500 bags of cookies all right see you Friday G I really don't want to have to talk to your mother again guess I'll just airpods it out bye
daddy I said bye daddy you guys I just want to thank you for helping make my cookies such a success it really means a lot to me and for the first time in my life I'm finally feeling proud of myself and hopeful about my future I think I think I'm actually happy a that's great to hear Meg we're proud of you too now we got cookies to make give us those tears oh I know Meg when you were a baby you were left at a fire station and those fireman left you at another fire station the only reason you had
a date for homecoming was because the guy got community service hours for it oh no I can't cry and when I hear about my crappy old life I just feel proud and happy about where I am now uh-oh no tears means no cookies which also means no cookie business hi I'm Jam Lee Curtis and I heard someone here was having a problem with feminine dryness oh I I think I'm all set have you tried squid feminine wash the natural solution to feminine dryness oh no no I I I think we have different problems dog I'd
hear her out Squid's the one feminine wash that goes on dry and doesn't drip Chris are you selling intimacy products with Jam Lee Curtis well Stewie I'd say sliquid sells itself it goes on dry Meg I don't want to alarm you but if you can't cry we won't get the $50,000 from Carter for catering his party I know I'm sorry it's just that since the cookie business became successful I'm not sad anymore well there goes my dream of becoming the next Otis Spunkmeyer your dream is to be Otis spunk Meer I
love a company that works a dirty word for a bodily fluid into their name Chris that is absolutely disgusting hey the way I see it in this life you got to laugh God he said you got to laugh so many times it started to feel like a threat why did we come to this again remember that kid I hit with my mail truck that was the kid that was the kid ladies I'm at the end of my rope with this damn show peta's become impossible to live with yeah Cleveland thinks he's fancy too you know he's demanding per
plus now now instead of regular old perk Joe's also gotten a big head lately when he eats scam crackers now he totally ignores the suggested perforations he's like a mad king we've got to shut this show down I don't know Lois have you heard what Peter said on yesterday's show and so I say men we deserve a second drawer it should be 4 to2 not 5 to one ladies it's time to put an end to their little [Music] show now remember when they start talking about how awful women are we storm the stage call
them out on it and then we'll go viral and the show will be cancelled welcome to bar table talk fellas what's on your mind today is it me or does it seem like no one knows how to coil a garden hose anymore remember Sports guys you liked oh yeah totally I like those guys guys um you know what let's take a break we'll be right back oh my God it's happening what's happening ah what are we doing I started this cuz there were no daytime talk shows with men and Lois said that's because men eventually
run out of things to say to each other well looks like she was right I don't want to be right Lois what are you all doing here we came down to get this show cancelled between the embarrassing content and you becoming so full of yourself at home well I thought it was the only option but when I heard you admit you were wrong I remembered why I married you in the first place because I proposed in an offensive Chinese accent and you just wanted to get out of the restaurant no Peter because beneath
all your craziness I know there's just a sweet confused child can I get a lizard no Peter but you said fine you can get a lizard I love you Mom Lois I love you too Peter can you watch my lizard I'm bored of [Music] it you really think seeing a therapist is the best way to get me to cry absolutely and this guy is the best in town see you next week John looking forward to it man there's nothing to do for that guy but he's got insurance okay who's mag Griffin so I'm Dr Matthews but you can call me
my Delta Kai Brothers used to call me Crusher so that's fair game too wow this guy rocks before we start it's important to know I only accept crypto so Bitcoin Dogecoin or ethereum oh actually wait not ethereum wait wait no I I don't I don't anymore wait yes yes yes I do but you have to send it like right now did you send it I did no why did you do that o forget real estate invest in money you can't even see they said okay I guess let's talk about you well earlier this week I cried into some coo
kie dough and my tears actually made the cookies taste incredible so we started a successful cookie business using my tears but now I'm too happy to cry anymore but no tears means no money Meg have you considered the reason you're happy isn't because of the business that maybe it's because you finally got to spend quality time bonding with the family members you love oh snap my man Crusher dropping knowledge bombs guys is the money really worth the sister you love feeling badly about herself no
it's not the new Tom Brown Line is out next week so maybe wow I can't believe you choose my happiness over all that money you guys that really means a lot we just War you to be happy mag Chris is right we love you oh I love you guys [Music] Hey where's that diploma from oh that's not a diploma that's a certificate for finishing the big Bera at Leo's Bar and Grill in Cincinnati got a t-shirt too but it's at the dry cleaners wow dry cleaning a t-shirt bragging about a regional food challenge that'
s the dream honey it's me they fell for the whole Crusher routine oh and their little cookie business let's just say I took care of [Laughter] [Music] [Laughter] [Music] it what happened last night oh nothing just just just hit a home run in my softball game no I mean I me the building huh oh huge gas leak won the game everybody's dead sorry I got carried away with my daytime talk show Lois oh Peter I'm just glad you're home and still wearing television makeup for some reason I don't know what y
ou're talking about hey sorry your cookie business didn't work out Meg yeah I guess it would have been pretty sweet to have a uccessful cookie business but it's fine you know Meg the way I see it life's too darn short boy that was brutal yeah what a big waste of time I know it's like life really is too darn short huh hi it's me Peter you may be wondering what I'm doing in a library well I actually drove my car into this Rich guy's house and he locked me in here until the police come don't believ
e me I don't know I just locked him in the library seems like he's on something he's got crazy eyes and keeps screaming I don't care I don't care anyway I've got some time to kill before this room is filled with tear gas so I thought why not finally read some of the classics I never read in high school here's one right here the Great Gatsby a book by the only respected guy in the world named [Music] Scott [Music] it was my first Summer staying at the shore but I had a feeling that I Nick the sit
uation carway would fit right in hey it's Nick from The Great Gatsby I just checked in and somebody left their teeth here I I don't know it's just a a set of teeth I I guess men's no I'm not putting them anywhere you come and get them GH the neighbors are having a party with loud jazz music well at least annoyingly scatting over Jazz hasn't been invented yet oh that must have been invented [Music] today hey whose party is this I'm not sure women aren't allowed to ask questions yet so what's your
name Madam you forget [Music] yourself that's when I first laid eyes on him Jay Gatsby he was clearly playing with himself through his pocket but I pretended not to see hello welcome to my party name's Gatsby good to meet you old sport yeah just a wave is fine I I'm your new neighbor Nick Caraway oh I hope we weren't too loud old sport yeah this old sport thing is this is this something you're trying out or is this a keeper I just met you so I want to tell you something very private let's go ou
t to the [Music] dock I come down here to think every night and gaze at that green light it's where the love of my life lives Daisy Buchanan um I hate to break it to you but that light you've been looking at is a gay gym called the pump house I I only know that because I I saw a coupon that came with my rental um anyway Daisy's house is over there she's my cousin Daisy's your cousin yeah a lot of weird coincidences for an American classic huh what I have to see her well I can set that up um only
thing is she's married yeah and I hear her husband's a real heel wo language but yeah I'll set it up um tea tomorrow at my house 2: p.m. great she's she's going to be there right yeah why wouldn't she be there I don't know I'm just getting a funny vibe from you you ask me down to the docks alone and you're getting a funny vibe from me wow what an ugly little house oh yeah it's not that Palace of domestic abuse you live in what's up oh my God is it really you oh I've missed you Daisy you're as b
eautiful as ever you know what else is beautiful my bank account boom rich guy you're rich now oh my God I love that I know right come on I'll show you my place oh you're leaving but I made all these deviled eggs you made you know what I meant yeah you made them great [Music] job you know one of the best parts of having an enormous Mansion is being able to come out here and get some fresh air you know sometimes I just want to jump off this balcony and into that pool down there so do it yeah I kn
ow right do it yeah do it I know I totally should right here I go 1 2 3 wa can you imagine yeah I I can't imagine it would be fun you should do it if only it were that easy right it is it looks deep enough it's your pool it's your house you can do whatever you want I know right oh you know what I can't right now my pool guy is cleaning it are you going to Bone her this is amazing I've never seen so many shirts do do you have enough to you know throw yeah you know they're they're actually kind of
expensive oh There She Goes shirt shirt shirt shirt shirt okay five is good five is is probably good shirt shirt were you uh were were you this crazy when we dated [Music] before Gatsby is it I've been hearing about your vast newly acquired wealth and your attentions to my my wife so I thought I would have you over to my equally large and fancy but imperceptibly more classy Mansion for an awkward dinner and Nick have you met Jordan she plays golf and is what kids will someday call a Duff hey ye
ah nice Tam Shanta I'll drink your finger Bowl if you don't want it in the book I actually go on a few dates with Jordan we're going to skip all that anyway like I was saying you're a trash cuz you earned your money a little bit more recently than me what are you getting at I'm saying I invited you over and sat you next to my wife to say stay away from my wife you know what we should do let's all drunk drive into Manhattan and get a hotel room and have the same conversation we're having here I'm
starting to think this isn't a very good book I'd like to add another bit of pointless confusion that will make sense later let's everyone Drive somebody else's car someone can take my Coupe I'm riding with Gatsby I don't care which car I'll take someone in Daisy's car I don't think Daisy said you could drive her car Tom why don't you take Jay's car who's Jay Gatsby okay I have never heard heard anyone call him that look if you're in your own car you're in the wrong [Music] car all right you gu
ys get gas I got to talk to this random mechanic's horny wife about some business Wilson you're going to need to fill her up Wilson's wife fill her up get it I don't know what they do up there but they sure do listen to De leopard pretty loud so have you seen any good movies lately we just saw a woman tied to railroad tracks five pretty similar to four mhm mhm well looks like you guys are getting a head start on the depression here thanks for stopping by Mr banon yeah sure don't tell anyone how
bad I look naked have fun raising my bastard all right let's head out wait but first I want to see if we're in the funny horn era we [Music] are all right Gatsby you think you're so hot let me show you how a classy guy does classy stuff Hello room service I'd like a bottle of your second most expensive champagne and I'd like your most expensive bottle wow walked right into that one okay fine well then let's see who has highest socks whatever none of that matters Daisy's in love with me in fact s
he's never loved you oh is that so well I hear Gatsby didn't even fight in World War I wait why is he calling it that is there going to be another big war I'm sorry Tom that's right I'm in love with Daisy and she loves me old sport would anyone like a deviled egg from a tea I had several days ago well that was awful but I sure do enjoy driving your car instead of you driving it even though he came in a different car drunk don't forget drunk you're drunk driving my car gas and sandwiches get your
gas and [Music] sandwiches oh that must be Tom since I saw him in that car earlier Tom Tom it's me oh no Myrtle where will I ever find another woman with a hotter name than [Music] Myrtle all right pool do your thing you hung over uh a little bit Yeah okay we're sort of racing to the end here and with that I shall step slightly out of range all right I'm just going to take a quick swim oh my God where are the the stairs there's no stairs I'm never going to make it you were standing earlier in t
he day next to the car that hit my [Music] wife I would soon return to New York a changed man because for me that will always be the summer that I finally put my head underwater I did it I did it ah I wish somebody had seen that hi me again I'm not in that guy's Library anymore I snuck up to the attic just before the cops busted in they're down there now look only problem is I really want to get to that trunk of costumes in the corner on the one hand I don't want to give away my location on the
other hand there might be a pirate hat no pirate hat but I'll make it work I'm a chef aboard a pirate ship now who be wanting pancakes I think I hear something in the Attic oh crap while I figure out my options here's Huckleberry [Music] [Applause] Finn hi Huckleberry fin hi Tom soya you're Tom I'm Huck everybody good yep all right let's do this Huckleberry fin you get inside this house this minute it's Tuesday morning and it's time for church a widow Douglas I already been to church three times
today I want to stay home and play Angry Birds this is addictive hey I'm your abusive dad and I've been drinking all day from this here jug oh my God is that a jug full of porn hey what oh Douglas I want to live with my Dad shut your ho now come on I need to use your pee I'm taking a wagon test in the morning [Music] I wish you wouldn't drink so much stop counting my drinks now get over here so I can whip you ow crap no yeah that's right [ __ ] now it's your turn jeez this is worse than the Wid
ow Douglas's house I got to get out of here I know I'll fake my own death I just need enough blood to make it look real hey there you must be Huck great to finally meet you I hope you like it here I'm going to stab you for your blood oh come on I just got shot in the pool in the last one I can't remember why I needed the [Music] blood Lord I'm going tell you being a slave is a much worse job than the temp agency made it sound you going to eat all that posum I am my name's Huck Finn what's half o
f your name Jim nice to meet you I'm a runaway slave I'm running away cuz people want me to wear shoes and comb my hair so I guess we got the exact same problem hey what's that sound oh no it sounds like a waterfall hold on we died so wait we didn't that I don't know it's all just jokes a did you see that what I just skipped that rock six times that's a once in a-lifetime skip that's nice you don't believe me do you I believe we've been out here a long time and a man's mind begins to play tricks
on him it happened for real I can't believe you didn't see it of course I saw it most amazing damn thing I ever did witness but I wasn't going to tell Huck cuz he claimed he didn't see me hook shot that apple core into the garbage from way far away Hello friends why are you so friendly you con man no we're businessmen we're fake selling the Brooklyn Bridge don't say fake selling we're real selling the Brooklyn Bridge Stop qualifying the selling we're just selling the Brooklyn Bridge I'll buy it
hold on now Huck these fellas are con men push off you grifters we don't want to ever see you again fine we're going it's a river we can't control how fast it goes we can barely steer sorry hey what if it's spelled with an a at the end of it is that okay Jim Jim Jim Jim if you're looking for a gym ye old pump hous is that way can't miss it green light on a duck Tom Sawyer what are you doing so far from home Rush is playing here tonight they wrote a song about me oh well I'm looking for my frien
d Jim HCK great news I'm free you are that's awesome when did that happen it's just being revealed now but it happened hundreds of Pages ago oh huh weird so uh what's left to do I'll tell you what Rush [Music] [Applause] [Music] concert hey I'm Mark Twain pretty cool book huh well while I'm being booked and processed downtown we have have time for one more classic of American literature this one's about idiots choking rodents I give you Of Mice and Men read them is rights you know what I'd like
to read them myself chapter one eat my ass pigs a the bones in my nose wow I remember when this used to be all orange groves it's it's currently all orange growth tell me again about our Dream George all right all right we're going to open a bed and breakfast in the country and we won't be afraid to let our guests know that we are Steelers fans in this house what about the rabbits yeah we'll have rabbits too but we'll also have a sign in the front that says Steelers fan parking only and sometime
s we'll give our guests a fake hard time like if they're Jets fans we'll be all like okay hope you don't get towed but obviously you know of course we're not going to tow [Music] him hey there strangers welcome to Phelps Ranch people call me Slim ironically I assume listen we're looking for field work uh if you need any extra hands well three of our guys did just get squished so we just might come on in so have you done this kind of work before have we pulled an object off a plant and placed it
in a burlap bag yes I think we understand the nuances of this profession good good and how about you tell me about yourself I like to kill animals and then a lady I got a good feeling about you guys all right you guys are doing great Hey listen my dog just had puppies and I thought since you're covered with feces and I barely know you I'd give you a delicate Snow White newborn puppy okay just just don't give me to dead eyes over there cuz I've already been killed twice in the other two stories a
nd I don't wanty this puppy doesn't work well well well as you can tell by the well well well he's the bad guy looks like we got us some new employees that's right curly I hired him this morning well tell him to get out this is where I practice my karate cuz I'm a dick I understand you like to pick fruit you ever pick something brw and pearshaped fruit has seeds you can p out hey Hodor stop coming on to my [ __ ] wife look I can tell by the fact that you wear a single Vaseline filled leather glo
ve that you're a reasonable man so let's all take a deep breath and calm down now karate chop oh damn it I tuck my jeans into my boots I'll get you you stupid giant [ __ ] not great timing I know but can I leave a early for a dentist [Music] appointment so I should be home by 10:00 it's just this piano bar/ Cabaret place called Tinkles Rory told me about it who's Rory you remember him the field hand who gave me a shoulder ride back to the house that was Rory anyway it sounds like it's just a hoo
t wow maybe you'll meet a pretty lady to get married to there yeah well that's the idea while you're gone can I touch myself uh again you don't have to schedule that with me but remember if there's any trouble we meet by the big tree on the edge of town everything in my head is screaming all right then I am off well hello there if it isn't the sexy imbecile oh hi sorry about what I did to your husband earlier yes that was quite a hand job you did on him you know I'm not so bad at those myself I'
m not going to lie to you you're wasting your double on tandas on me I want you to destroy me okay creers creepers where'd you get those peepers jeepers creepers where'd you get those eyes thank you thank you oh I just love a song that explains what it just said I got again all right evidently I have to go to the big tree on the edge of town to take care of something this shouldn't take too long to not take my songs off the [Music] list I'm sorry George I didn't mean to kill the girl and now the
Whole Town's going to hang me by a rope oh I would never let that happen thanks tell me about the rabbits George yeah sure thing but while I do that why don't you face away from me and count the Stars okay all right so the B&B will have a rack of single gear bikes for every guest and yes next to that of course is going to be the big giant rabbit hutch bye-bye Lenny good night kids good luck with those book [Music] reports the Ia double tape deck the Waldorf and Statler of every thrift store the
selection here stinks yeah and so do the customers Jim Henson died of treatable pneumonia hey Brian remember Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants they have the magic girl power jeans holy crap what happened I don't know I I think I turned into America Ferrera I don't want this help someone help looking passible Stewie looking damn passible oh crap people we know you know the drill we're donating not buying just doing our part to give back to the community going to go wait in the alley could you ju
st ball them up and throw them out the window putting on Strangers hats is always a good [Music] idea thank you for your service huh my father's a veteran too thank you for protecting us and for posting revenge porn on Marine Corps message boards oh actually I'm not I'm to start trend of interrupting your sentences well no it's just a hat I didn't think thank you for your service bless you and all of our veterans no guys I'm I'm not really a I don't have time to hear the rest of your sentence bu
t thank you for being a veteran because you're definitely a veteran and I'm Chris Collinsworth from NBC Sunday night football on behalf of all TV football dummies thank you for your service you're you're welcome wow feels real good to be a veteran even better than buying a bottle of Newman's Own this makes me a good person hey someone just bought a bottle of bland salad dressing now we can use all proceeds to do Jihad [Music] stuff hey Peter what's with the hat I'm pretending to be a veteran wha
t yeah it's awesome vets get all the sweet deals I mean you never see a homeless vet and people have been really nice everywhere I go to open doors for me welcome sir thank you hey so when really fat people come make sure we're opening both doors guys you could be veterans too look what happens when I put on sunglasses wow I want to [Music] try it's loud being a veteran what the hell is wrong with you guys do I need to remind you I actually am a veteran and I'm sickened by the thought of trollin
g for free handouts on account of being a vet much less pretending to be one Quagmire what if I told you your glasses do playing with the boys the volleyball scene dad Family Guy used two of your songs well that's great but I'm not your dad I'm Kenny loggin and you're a groupy I brought here for sex dad family guide see now that's my [Music] daughter you guys got your video cameras ready yeah what's going on well as a veteran I get to star in a viral YouTube video of me reuniting with my beloved
pet so here [Music] goes my pet is Christian the lion I'm doing two internet things at once this is my heterosexual roommate Ace with whom I shared the lion two decades ago you look great Peter I have a family now you know guys if being a veteran is about anything it's about getting half-hearted Applause on a Southwest Airlines flight veterans yay veterans holy crap you're Eric danne from Marley and Me and other stuff I'm afraid you got to give us your front- of the plane seats cuz that's what
celebrities do for veterans well clear out kids it's just part of the Hollywood deal thank you thanks thank you so much this is why I served USS Nathan James yes sir boats military sir the Nathan James is the fictitious ship on TNT's The Last Ship starring Adam Baldwin and [ __ ] Sims and Eric Dane uhoh you guys aren't veterans at all you're frauds okay we ain't real vets Quagmire served in the Navy the rest of us are charlatans Bo you're terrible I Fly Southwest to have a classy experience and
you've ruined it excuse me gentlemen you're under arrest what why you three are in violation of The Stolen Valor Act which makes it a crime to pretend to be a veteran oh so suddenly it's a crime to break the law Mr Quagmire you're free to go but the rest of you will have to come with me I thought we had it bad being gay overhead bins what makes us gay we've got bags in our [Music] mouths hey quick put these on you're not going to throw a veteran in jail is this some kind of joke to you no it was
a sincere idea real servicemen and women have made real sacrifices for this country and you you're an actual veteran you should know better I'm sorry you made a mockery of our whole family Glenn Now everywhere I go it's like people are staring at me and Whispering court is now in session judge dignified Q Blackman presiding you men are accused of violating The Stolen Valor Act and that's years of jail time we forgot to get a lawyer but in view of your long service to Comedy I'm I'm willing to o
ffer a deal what kind of deal I'll wave the charges but only on the condition that you men enlist in the military for real you three have to join the Marines oh my God we could be killed please no all right how about the Coast Guard yeah that's fine something happened something just happened in Court Glenn if you were half the man I used to be you'd stand up and join them your honor I'd like to sign up too oh my God checking my phone happened excuse me that's right I'm going with them the four o
f us will join the Coast Guard together all right report to the induction Center tomorrow court is adjourned next case on the duet the people versus Ted 2 okay come on let's get out of here let's go let's go good morning recruits welcome to the Coast Guard sir when do we report for basic training sir hey what's with the c Stone this is just the Coast Guard now come on who here can pantomim driving a boat we got any boat guys here whoa look at that you guys should be recruiting me now can you bou
nce with the waves a little bit uh-oh getting kind of choppy is this guy for real this is idiotic this is nothing like what the Navy was sh Quagmire I got to focus on my boat here the way people's talking makes me think we're going to be dealing with a lot of water you guys seem to have what it takes so raise your right hand as I recite the Coast Guard pledge when you're here your family isn't that the slogan for we had it first everybody ships out tomorrow you'll find your assignments listed on
this sheet a crap where in Iraq is Fort l a ER Ali Peter that's Fort Lauderdale we're being shipped out to guard freaking spring break sweet all right spring break on the land not the water no it's not sweet it's a joke this whole thing thing is a joke compared to the Navy the Coast Guard is totally unprofessional and incompetent like that ancient Roman intern this is Marcus today's his first day he's going to be crucifying you now he might want to use his hammer H sorry I'm so bad at this rela
x you're doing [Music] fine well I'm off oh I'm so worried where are the stationing you I can't tell you that is on a need the do basis Florida sh hey you be safe wait Dad before you go can you teach me to shave well for status bud that's supposed to be on your pubes you got a secret inch hiding under there this is what I'm going to be missing well that's an unrelated car honking but I'm going to go now Fort Lauderdale Florida where all the art and every dentist's office comes from all right let
's get to work grab your binoculars we got to practice doing funny double takes upon seeing a bikini woman sir should I say AA sir affirmative and Joe I order you to just let the binoculars fall right out of your hands but you don't even notice cuz of how Foxy the woman is all right yeah I can see that we got the right skill set for this assignment okay guys knock it off but Quagmire there spring break boobs everywhere come on guys I mean it this is important I want you to start acting like it w
ow he's serious he's very serious we're in the motel [Music] now guys we have to complete a 160 point inspection of this Coastal Patrol cutter I'll call him out item one hydraulic grapple winch guys we're over here painting clever names on boats no Peter it's supposed to be short and Poppy oh okay okay guys while I scan for disabled watercraft I need a status report on that hydraulic grapple winch guys we're busy we're hanging out with Aquaman I told you I'm not Aquaman I am the Submariner What'
s your deal I'm just like Aquaman but I can't get fish to do things that's the big thing I mean isn't that all Aquaman does no he can also breathe underwater and he's strong like me isn't everyone strong underwater no no not like me I can punch a big octopus a really long way hey guys hey Aquaman hey make a fish do something oh shucks guys I don't know I guess I could do something like this WOW a real superhero I I have little wings on my feet just it's over it's [Music] over hey can you guys ke
ep it down for a bit I got to have a FaceTime conversation with my wife where we talk at the same time and then stop and then stat again then laugh hi honey no no you you go ahead go ahead you first hi pop oh God Stewie you've gotten so big no I'm just in the foreground you're as tall as your mother now he he doesn't understand perspective all right let me say goodbye to Mommy are you goodbye H oh what I was just going to say everything stinks quag M where you going I'm going home what why cuz I
'm sick of this I'm the only one taking the job seriously hell you guys still don't even know how to operate a simple hydraulic grapple winch okay that's the third time you've mentioned the hydraulic grapple winch is that going to be important for later I feel like maybe it is Quagmire you can't just go home or stationed here I wasn't sentenced but I came anyway because I thought I could try and teach my friends what it means to serve their country the way I did but you're hopeless so I'm done a
nd I I'm still the voice of Chris Collinsworth and I'm done too up closet now I got it a I disappointed the stupidest guy in football I got to go take a sad pee me too we should probably all go urinate together Outdoors is a group of guys while wearing backwards baseball caps per Fort Lauderdale Municipal law the Florida ways are the best ways are we ready to attack attack we are and many people will die what the hell's that are we ready to attack we are and many people will die oh my God those
evil Frat Boys are planning to kill spring break and they only had time to record two lines of dialogue are we ready to attack we are and many people will die we got to stop them all right let's just find a quiet place to come up with a plan all right here's what we do we track out we saw talking and Jo you get us some Cleveland I want you to get building to the city I'm still very unclear about the plan three more banana daies we track down the [Music] did you see all of those guns and weapons
those evil Frat Boys had I sure did and we still haven't nailed down a date for visiting Epcot but what can we do Quagmire was the only real Soldier Among Us you're right compared to him we're about as useless as one of those automatic bathroom sinks what the hell are you doing this is a women's bathroom come on guys we don't need Quagmire to do the right thing I love that movie if there's going to be an attack at Spring break we can't just stand by while people get hurt or even killed Joe's rig
ht it's up to us to stop it because we're in the Coast Guard and when you're here your [Music] family that food was all very salty there are so many people we got to find know Frat Boys look for anything suspicious the co party ball is a dirty bomb no Peter it's not it's just the coolest freshest way to keep your party rolling is what it is this is hopeless there's no way to guess what their target is final boarding call for the are we ready to attack we are and many people will die booze Cru ok
ay I got a feeling about that one let's go oh guys we'll never make it on foot we got to steal that kid's jet ski Peter the boat's right there we'll totally make make it it's the only way guys Peter ryell literally standing on the boat that's how close the boat is made it you wanted to ride the jet SK I wanted to ride the jet [Music] ski how much you reckon A boat like this cost all right everybody freeze this is the US Coast Guard and when you're here your [Music] family [Music] anyway US Coast
Guard you kids it what are we going to do we're way out gunned are any of you familiar with what's referred to as a Leroy Jenkins well I don't know what that is but let's make a very long elaborate plan all right so I'll run in first and use an intimidating shout when my shouts done I'll need Joe to come in and use his shout too what do you think Joe can you give me a number crunch real quick yeah give me a sec I'm coming up with 3233 repeating of course okay that's a lot better than we usually
do so let's lero drankin oh my God he just ran in let's go stick to the plan let's go let's go a man ah we're dying damn it Cleveland where they get dragons these guys have magic guys keep move oh God you know Cleveland you're an idiot this episode has a lot of Internet things a crap we're going to die freeze CM you came back that's right because I'm in the US Coast Guard and when you're here no no don't say [Music] it I'm glad you came back buddy you really saved the day hey where'd you get th
e machine gun from the coastal Patrol cutter machine gun is item 49 of the 160 point inspection oh that was when I was writing homosexual stuff on the boat too bad about the bomb bomb yep right here on the boat soon you will all do the foamy Dance of Death we are and many people will die he just says that one thing huh the bomb is hidden in the foam where is it have you found it no I was thinking next Thursday for Epcot but no bomb you're wasting your time the bomb will activate the moment the f
loor stops vibrating did you hear that twerk twerk like your Miley Cyrus trying to prove something to your dad found it we're all going to die oh no we're not I stole a jet ski from a [Music] kid oh I forgot they do that hydraulic grapple winch Oh Yeah from [Music] earlier we did it it's over cuz of you thanks for saving us Quagmire ah I was just doing my duty just like you did good job Soldier anyway what matter matters is everyone's okay thanks to the Coast Guard because when you're here I'm n
ot going back to that [Music] restaurant I'm so happy you're back home where you belong Peter it's just not the same here without you thanks Lois and I thought about you not at all well I'm so proud of my Coast Guard husband and I'm proud of my Coast Guard dad and and I'm bisexual like all members of the fore home for for for for Fore for for for for foreign speech foreign for that pry save me too than I spe for
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Goodnight everyone