Cheer | Leanne Morgan | Are We Gonna Eat Anything?

Okay, let me tell you all that my middle child is 23 now, and she's the only one that checks on me. She called me a few minutes ago and said, "Did you get to Naples all right?" And I said, "Yeah, baby, thank you for asking. Tell your daddy." She is a beauty, and she is smart, and hateful. We've been scared to death of her all of her life. And it really got bad when she was about 16 or 17. Have any of you all been through that? - Oh yeah. - We walked on eggshells around her. She'd come down the s

teps in the morning, we'd be like, "Who is it? I don't know." And it happened when she was about 16 or 17, she turned on me on a dime. And I truly believe that God allows this, because he knows that you're grieving, 'cause they're gonna go to the college, or whatever they're gonna do. And he makes them just as mean as he can. So that you can let them go. The very breath that I breathed out of my nostrils made her so angry. We are not allowed to eat cereal. In our own home, because she couldn't s

tand to hear us chewing. And I don't mean to talk about her, 'cause she had a lot on her. She had to empty the dishwasher. That's a lot. She's always had a bunch of boys after her, 'cause she's a doll, and they always want to date her, and always come around our house. And there was one, and he was a player, he was as schmoozer. And he would say the stuff to me. He'd go, "Miss Morgan, you look beautiful today." And I'd be like. "Oh my gosh. Can I make you a casserole?" And thank goodness they br

oke up, 'cause I was exhausted. I was mopping the floor, blowing my hair out everyday. And I thought, why did that affect me that way? Why did I? And I thought, oh, I know. It's because my love language is words of affirmation. And I don't get them. Do I goy hoo-do'd by this boy. My husband and I read that book and went to a Sunday School retreat years ago. And it was "The Five Love Languages," have you all read that? I know, it's good. And it works, it really does. But you read the book and you

take the test. And you and your husband, example, you and your husband will take the test. And it'll tell you there's five prominent love languages. It'll tell you what you're husband's prominent love language is, he'll find out what yours is. So at night you all can sit on the couch and feed each other you all's love language. And then your love tank feels fUll. If you don't, your husband's liable to go to work and is standing by the water foundation, and some whore comes in. And feeds him his

love language. And then he feels a tingle. And then Satan swoops in. I know, terrible. So here's the five love languages if you all don't know. There's quality time. So there's people that just want you to sit with them and watch a television show, or something like that. Then there's gifts, that's my sister's. It does not have to be something expensive. If you give her a rose and a card, she'll bawl her eyes out, 'cause her love tank feels full. I know. And her husband doesn't do it. All right

, and then there's physical touch. And so many women, when I say that, they'll go, "Oh." Yeah, that's my husband's. He's on me like a duck on a Junebug. But we're not talking about the nasty kind. We're talking about, you know people that just want to squeeze, and hug and hold on to you. That's their love language is physical touch. And then there's words of affirmation, so that's mine. So all my husband has to say is, "Leanne you look pretty today." Or, "Leanne, that Trisha Yearwood's chicken p

icatta is to die for." And then my love tank feels full. And then I'm willing to do something vulgar with him. And then he gives me money to get my hair highlighted. That's how it works, that's Biblical. Okay, you all. My baby, my middle one, the whole time she was in high school, so ashamed of me. And was so embarrassed by me, but loves me more than anybody. Now, we're best friends. But I'm telling you all, everything I did made her so mad. And I remember showing up at middle school in a pair o

f yoga pants, she goes, "What are you doing here?" I thought I looked so cute. But anyway, she had a bunch of little girls always spending the night. And she had this little girl spend the night. And the little girl stayed a couple of nights, so I did her laundry. And all I said, all I said to this little girl was, "Katie, you're so tiny. Your little underwear looks like a slingshot." And that little girl thought it was funny. And my baby looked at me and went. So I got out of there. When that l

ittle girl left I came back in, and I said, "What's wrong with me saying that her little panties look like a slingshot? I wish somebody would say my panties look like a slingshot." Nick, my panties look like, a catapult. Do you ever watch "Braveheart," Mel Gibson. Did you ever watch that? You know, when they pull that big thing back, put a ball in it and fling it, and kill a bunch of people with it? That's what my panties look like. My baby child is 22 now. She lives in New York. And goes to sch

ool up there, and we miss her. And she's been a doll baby. And her daddy and I, we begged her to go to Phoenix Online. And she was like, "Get out of my butthole." So, you all just stare at me, she smells good. But anyway, my husband is 6'4", 230 pounds, 250 if he's eating white flour and sugar. He plays a lot of tennis. And it got on my nerves so bad, 'cause I had no estrogen, no progesterone, no testosterone. And I was crazy, okay? His testosterone dipped a little, praise God. And then it went

back up when he started playing tennis again, and plays, that makes it naturally go up, it made me so mad. Anyway. My husband's athletic and played football and basketball. I played basketball. I know you're all thinking, you sissy thing, you did not. But I did, it was the early '80s. I had really big hair. I'm from a town of 500 people in the middle of Tennessee, and we grow dark fire tobacco. And we didn't know what waterproof mascara was. So by the end of the games I looked like, say if Tammy

Wynette and Alice Cooper had a child together. I played forward, sometimes I had to play center if Mary Rolling had to take her baby to the health department. But anyway, so we wanted these children to be in sports, you know, keep them off of dope. My baby child, all my children are tall kids, 'cause I'm 5'8" and I think I'm getting bigger by the day. I think my feet are spreading, I think my hands are big, I see my hands in a video. I take pictures and all these little women come up to here on

me. Well, my baby child grew really quick, really fast, and was 5', 5'6" in elementary school. And I think it was my fault. I think it was all that chicken. I think, if anybody's in here my age, we didn't know about hormone-free back then, no. I know! All that milk, it has stuff in it. Lord, I've raised her on a bunch of chicken and milk. Anyway, I would not do that to a grandbaby now. So she was very tall, very self conscious. She was taller than all the teachers, the principle, all the little

children. Good news is, very athletic and very strong. So all these teams around ACC would call me, and they'd say, "Can she play goalkeeper for our team? We'll get her an iPhone. Can she play basketball for us?" She never played basketball. And you all, it tickled me. And I felt like LeBron James' mama. And I made her do it, I made her do it. And she came to me one day and she goes, "I'm sick of all this. I'm not gonna play all this for you all." She goes, "I want to cheer." I said, "Well, bab

y, we're big people. And we don't tumble. Let me see what I can find out." There's a thing in the United States called Competition Cheer. And I bet it's big in Florida. - Yeah. - Yeah. If you don't know what it is, it's kind of like Honey Boo-Boo, meets stripping, meets the Olympics. 'Cause they're gymnasts, is what they are. They're very talented gymnasts. So there's one in Knoxville called Premier Sharks. And I dropped her off to audition, try out, whatever you want to call it. And we didn't k

now anything about it. And this little woman, they ended up putting her on a bad mama jamma squad. Because all the little children her age came up to here on her. And somebody's got to throw them up in the air. So they were thrilled to have her. She's strong as a mule. So they said, "It's $150 a month for her to come in and take two nights a week to learn a two and 1/2 minute routine." I was like, "Okay." And they said, "There's a uniform that we're gonna order for her. And it's sequins up the s

leeve, it comes to right here, exposes here little tummy. She's gonna have on a tiny little skirt with a slit in it with a glitter panty underneath it." And I said, "That's a whore outfit." And it came with it's own bag of whore makeup. And the woman said, "You all are going to travel to far away lands, and compete against other little whore children." Places like Atlanta, and Cincinnati. So we get in the car and drive all night, get a hotel room, and then next morning go to a coliseum. A colise

um with tens of thousands of little whore children walking around. And they said, "It's $150 to enter your baby in this competition. It's $30 for you and your husband to wear a band to get in and watch her in this competition. Somebody was selling corndogs for $15. Anyway, they start out with the babies. And the babies are yummy, and they're five. And you could eat their lips off. And they got on a skirt about this big. And their little mommas are probably in their late 20s, early 30s, you know?

And they're not bitter yet. And so the little girls come out to Beyonce's "All Single Ladies." And their little mommas are in the front doing every move. Trying to keep them on track, because they're babies, and they need to be at home breastfeeding. So they go up in age throughout the day, and they call my baby's group, and they go, "Reef Sharks." For two and 1/2 minutes my baby throws little children up in the air, working like a Trojan. Working out a sweat. And the whole time she's throwing

these little children up, and they're called fliers. And they are freakish, freakish, tiny little children. And their mommas are freaky, tiny little women. And I think, how'd they even have these little babies? I'm from farming people. I've got thick ankles, I can work in the fields. I don't know who these people are. Anyway, these little fliers, she's throwing them up in the air, and the whole time during this two and half minutes, they're going. And nobody knows why. and that goes on, and then

it's the finale. And 25, 30 little girls put their forehead on the ground and hunker down. And the finale is my baby. My baby hops up and has got a little girl's foot in her hand. Are you all listening to me over there? When's the last time you all put somebody's... The gay boys went nuts. It was a big deal. So then they were like, "Oh, she's got to do it again, we got to have her next." 'Cause she didn't drop anybody and give anybody a concussion. Those mommas had me on speed dial, they loved

her. But she was like, "You know what? I've got spirit, I know I do." But she said, "I'm tired of this, I got it out of my system." She said, "I'm not gonna do it anymore, but I'm keeping that whore outfit."