from New York City Comedy Central presents Kelsea [Applause] Handler thank you thank you thank you thank you very much what's up New York City thank you thank thank you very much that's a very warm welcome I've been here for a total of six hours and I've already been rear ended I didn't report it cuz it happened in my hotel room after that I started thinking about starting a family and decided I don't [ __ ] want one I want to get my tubes tied I don't want to do it permanently I don't know if t
hey can do a slip knot or something I just don't think it's okay for anybody to have a baby Britney Spear okay I don't think that's okay having a baby is a huge responsibility it's like a five-year commitment and you need to be ready for it okay I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something the rest of us can't figure out anybody can have one okay I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies thank you that's right I don't like people who have babi
es and then [ __ ] and moan about it my baby weight my baby weight I can't lose my baby weight your baby's [ __ ] seven okay you're a fat ass now put down that taco okay it has nothing to do with that baby anymore I don't like people who have who have babies and then start talking in months you know my baby's 48 months you mean four [ __ ] is that what you mean I'm not 216 months I'm 31 okay please stop talking like that a lot of celebrities are having babies Angelina Jolie and and Brad Schmidt
had their little baby in namia or whatever the hell that town is so technically that baby's African-American everybody that's right question do you think she'll talk loud in movie [Applause] theaters I hope she doesn't ask her parents too many questions do you ever wonder why that little Eskimo Maddox never smiles doesn't he look pissed off all the time and I figured I used to think he was just burnt out on travel and then I thought you know what his problem is he's so so pissed off cuz he proba
bly thought he was like scoring the biggest deal of his lifetime getting adopted by this famous movie star who was going to rescue him from his third world Cambodia only to find out she's going to take him to every other [ __ ] third world country in the world he's probably like when the [ __ ] are we going to get to Malibu like you promised last time I was in Malibu was on a coffee date I want to know who decided coffee was a date we can't even get a meal and [ __ ] anymore ladies I mean really
what is what is a frappuccino G to lead to a piggyback ride I like to go out for a cocktail like seven in a row okay like spare me just spare me I went out with a guy the other night he goes you know Chelsea you don't have to drink to make yourself more fun to be around I'm like listen [ __ ] n I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around spice it up [ __ ] quickly okay the problem with men in La is everybody's all therapi out you know they want to they have one hard night of drink and the
y want to throw in the towel and join AA it's like God have you ever been to an AA meeting no one of these people are alcoholics I've never needed a drink more badly in my life I went one time it wasn't voluntary it was pretty much court ordered but I thought I thought I could give back to the AA Community you know I see all those single hotti men there I was like I could be like a sponsor you know have them call me at 2:00 in the morning and be like I want to have a drink i' like I have one com
e over come to Mommy where it's safe and warm let's go oh good times the great thing about being an alcoholic is that nobody depends on you for [ __ ] okay nobody ever asked me for a ride to the airport I'm always like that sounds like a hoop but I'm going to be drinking that day good luck with that why do people who have um internet access automatically assume that makes them interesting my cleaning lady doesn't have a car but she has a website and a weekly podcast like what is Florencia rantin
g about how to fit 12 people into an El Camino I recently dated an English guy did anybody ever date one of those pieces of [ __ ] losers what a waste of time I don't know what it is about an English Irish or Australian accent that makes me just want to get undress and high five myself that's how it was with my boyfriend the first two months we got along great cuz I couldn't understand a word he said after two years I'm like stop talking like that okay talk like me just try you dirty uncircumcis
ed freak I don't know why they don't just circumcise guys in other countries they're all going to up in our country anyway okay did you hear the new phenomenon that's going on about uncircumcised parents that they're letting their children decide the boys decide if they want to get circumcised it's like okay it shouldn't be up to the boy should be up to the girl the one that's going to be blowing him in 15 years okay that should be heard decision all he ever talked about was three he's I chose C
H TR you're really going to like it it's really popular in Europe it's like so is David Hasselhoff what are you talking about I have a roommate named cameltoe and she's getting married I don't like people who get married and like and then make the entire year about them you know these people who do this is anybody engaged here getting married yeah good luck with that good luck I don't like these brides and they go and register for their own gifts who decided it was okay to pick out your own gift
s and then they act surprised when they get the gift and write you a thank you letter like oh my God thank you so much for thought for GI how did you know it's like [ __ ] you picked it out that's how I knew okay I typed in your name and a ceiling fan came up what I picked that out on my own why don't you buy me a gift I'm still single I don't know if you can register at a liquor store but I would like to try when I get married for the first time I'm going to register at Bank of America I'm a ha
lf a Jew I'm not [ __ ] around we get nothing out of it you throw wedding showers and bachelorette weekends for these girls right we spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible what do we get out of it nothing a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with their hillbilly cousin no thank you my family's very close I can do that at home never ends at the wedding cuz then they leave and they go to their honeymoon and you're so happy you're like it's over and all the Bridesmaids are compl
aining and commiserating together it's over and then they come back and want you to watch the video it was like [ __ ] I was there okay I saw I don't really want to see footage of me passed out in a cake or they feel bad for you you know they feel bad my girlfriend met her boyfriend ice skating on a Saturday night okay I'm like listen up cameltoe if you see a grown man alone on a pair of skates on a Saturday night you're thinking I'm not going to let this fish get away good luck with that marria
ge good luck with that he's going to come dancing Out of the Closet in a ballerina outfit in about 6 months okay and then your friends when they get married you know they feel so bad for your single people they're like oh chela it's so sad you're always sleeping with strange guys and hooking up it's so sad it's so sad it's like it's actually called happy hour okay so it's not that sad [Applause] they come over and they go you why don't you come over on Friday night we're gonna have a bunch of pe
ople over we're gonna have game night it's going to be nutty game unless we're playing who's hiding the Ecstasy I'm not going to make it okay cuz that's my favorite game game night I'd rather take a bubble bath with my father okay speaking of Shamu my father's bals weighs 250 lbs and pees in our driveway like a German Shepherd so I thought I'd take him to Costa Rica this summer because my mom passed away a couple months ago and I thought it' be nice time to bond with my father or as I like to ca
ll him [ __ ] tits and I was expecting to bond with my dad what I wasn't expecting was for people to think we were a couple it started when we got upgraded to first class which I thought was a courtesy and I later found out they thought we were on our honeymoon cuz that's what he told them this after him causing a huge stink because they wouldn't let him bring his computer on the plane it's a desktop okay this is what I'm dealing with he's like it's better they think we're a couple than they thi
nk you're a lesbian I'm like first of all dad you pointing at your penis is not the international sign for a lesbian okay and I'm not a lesbian okay I have a sister who's on a volleyball team that practices indoors so if anyone's a lesbian it's not [ __ ] me okay believe me I thought about becoming a lesbian those [ __ ] look like they're having a hell of a time don't they getting all drunk and going beaver hunting and [ __ ] yeah yeah then you got to get in the whole lesbian being seen you know
and go buy like hiking boots in a truck and then who pays for [ __ ] I guess the guy who's watching but what if he's not there what if he can't make it somebody has like you know you're not a lesbian are you I'm like no I'm not a lesbian I sleep with guys all the time he's like well you're not a hooker are you like no I'm not a hooker I don't charge people I'm like and by the way can you stop like pointing at your penis cuz you're creeping me out I guess I should have been happy he's like you'r
e not a hooker are you I like to spank myself on stage mostly cuz I don't like to get spanked in the bedroom boys I don't know what newsletter all of you got telling you we like to get hit when shit's going down okay that's something you need to discuss with us okay it's so demoralizing ladies isn't it you feel like you're having a moment with some Mexican or whoever you're partial to you know and then you feel that hand on your assh like oh my God just hit me I thought I was doing Bueno what li
ke you're going to go have to make him a quesadilla when you're done or some [ __ ] you know what I hate about being single I hate romantic comedy movies that make you feel like [ __ ] about yourself cuz you know these things will never happen to you and there's three formulas I figured out because I spent a lot of time hung over and I know that my favorite is where JLo's walking across the street and trips over something ridiculous like a leaf or some [ __ ] and then Matthew mccon gay comes whi
pping around the corner just in the nick of time and he say when does [ __ ] like that happen in real life I fall all the time you know who comes and gets me the bouncer yeah these movies are so depressing you know you see them and then they they meet somewhere romantic and then at the 60 Minute Mark they break up and then at the 90 minute Mark they get back to they bump into each other by kinky dink or some [ __ ] you know by the river or on the tarmac as our 747s who ever chased you down a Run
way when does this ever happen you don't run in ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends when you're looking good and want to last time I ran into an ex-boyfriend was at 3:00 in the morning at Right Aid as I'm ringing up gasex and corn removers and I'm like hey you what's up this here for my grandmother that old [ __ ] he's like aren't they both dead I'm like one of them came back okay and she's [Applause] sick three or four vibrators on your birthday is kind of funny it's kind of funny 11 it's not funn
y anymore I mean how many do you think we need how many do you think we we need all you need is one good one that works okay unless they came out with a new one that can also make drinks all you need is one I got 11 vibrators for my birthday this year do my girlfriends think I'm at home double teaming myself what I got a vibrator that needed two n volt batteries what am I R2D2 I don't I don't know what to do with that you know when you're dating a guy and they make up some silly excuse about why
they don't want to date you anymore they're trying to scare you off like I have herpes or something you're like okay not so fast so do I I wrote a book I called my horizontal life a collection of one night stands oh thank you I actually haven't read it but thank you and people are like oh you know you never think when you're a little girl that you know you're going to grow up and be well [ __ ] um you know when I was a little girl I was like oh my God I'm going to wait till I go to college to l
ose my virginity you know and all these big dreams you know and then then the third grade just ended up being such a Nutty year and I'm so glad I didn't wait for college because I didn't end up getting accepted anywhere but I don't understand why anybody waits to have sex in this day and age like you at this point you need to find out what's going on in this Arena right away okay I don't want any Shrinky Dink surprises on a Saturday night last time I waited to have sex with a guy he showed up to
my doorstep with butt plugs and a flashlight it's like okay whoa whoa whoa whoa what's up with the flashlights sir is it normal to be sore after a massage is that normal from your gynecologist is that I recently had sex with a [ __ ] not on purpose he was a tricky little [ __ ] he kept giving me shot after shot after shot after tequil and he keept getting taller and taller and taller and some have a phobia of midgets you know they're like scared of them I have the exact opposite I see them I wa
nt to hold them down and cuddle them and be like come here you little [ __ ] nugget who's your mommy [Applause] now so cute so cute people are like that's not the politically correct her [ __ ] you know I'm like obviously you've never hung out with one sir cuz I've hung out with 12 or 13 and I know from personal experience they like to be called either nugget or little [ __ ] okay I met my first [ __ ] in Mexico and he was a waiter with a sombrero on his head filled with chips and salsa like I w
as going to let that guy get away I don't think so okay I don't think so and I W brought him home to my you know hotel room and I woke up in the morning and heard the little pitter patter of feet on my Spanish tow I'm like oh my god did I have a baby what is [Applause] that I have a girlfriend who thinks that penis size doesn't matter and she's like Chelsea it doesn't matter if a guy doesn't have a car if he has a small penis he could be good at other things like what what math finding guys with
big penises what is he good at I love when you're on MySpace you know when a guy's like oh do you want to go out and I'll be like how big is your penis you know and like I've never had any formal complaints as if when we encounter a small penis we wake up first thing in the morning and LOD a formal greement with the LAPD okay if you pull your pants down and we start text messaging our friends you have a small penis okay you have a very small penis sir you have a small penis I can tell by your s
weater you know who my favorite celebrity is I just met the okay by the way my favorite celebrity ever now who I wasn't a huge fan of before but I met him a couple weeks ago at a party Robert Downey Jr absolutely love this guy yeah absolutely you know why because he's committed to being an alcoholic he's absolutely committed to it and I respect that I mean this is a guy who's been arrested for like drug possession on several different occasions and then after that managed to get a DUI and have l
ike you know pot Coke and a gun on him like my question is after you've been arrested three or four times who calls up their friends and is like hey let's get an eightball let's get a bag of weed let's get a gun let's get a six-pack and [ __ ] it I'll drive thank you very much up Chelsea hler thank [Applause] you [Music] [Music] hold [Music] yeah
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