- My son Frankie is now 19 years old. 19 years old, high school graduate. He has all his shots, ladies. People tell me all the time, "Why do you talk about your son so much?" Because he won't leave. "Does he like it when you talk about him?" I said, "No, he hates it." "Well, why do you do it?" "Because he won't leave." I'll tell you what he
likes to do right now. He likes to sit around the house and watch videos of other
kids playing video games. See, some of you are clapping. I didn't know that
was an actual thing. I asked him, "What are you doing?" "I'm watching other kids
playing video games." I said, "Really? Why?" "Well, they're professionals." I'm like, "Why would you watch something that you could be doing?" "'Cause they're professionals." "That's dumb." "Really, Dad? Every Sunday, I see you watching football. How come you don't play?" I didn't even argue. I just cut off the internet. - My children give me guilt trips I wouldn't even contemplate. Like my daughter was in a
play o
n Thursday and Friday. So, I went on Thursday night, and then Friday morning, she saw me with my rolly bag and she was like, "Oh, you're not coming
to my show tonight?" You've never
been to one of my shows. I do 300 a year! My big plan was to teach
my children responsibility by selling posters after one of my shows. So, I texted my teenager, I'm like, "Do you wanna sell posters after my show? I'll pay you." She texted back, "Great, sounds good." So, then I texted my teenage son. I'm like, "Do yo
u wanna
sell posters after my show? I'll pay you." He texted back, "No, thanks. I don't need the money." He doesn't have any money. He has my money. I just texted back, "You're out of the will." I'm kidding. He was never in it. If my father asked me to do something, he wouldn't even stick
around for an answer. "You wanna shovel the driveway?" Then he'd just leave. It was understood I was gonna shovel the
driveway or move out. I was kinda frightened of my dad. My children treat me like some bank
teller they reluctantly
have to deal with. Once a week, they just
appear in front of me. "Mom said I could get a shark, so I guess I need your credit card." I'm like, "What the
hell you talking about?" "He's yelling again, Mom!" - My daughter and I are
closer than we ever been, man. My daughter's boy crazy. Boy crazy. Once again, I gotta act like I like it. I don't, but you gotta act like you do. I love this. I love that in my specials, you get to see the growth
of my fucking kids. You see their
development. They're getting older, man. Daughter told me she
likes this boy named Matt that go to her school. "Dad, I like this boy named Matt. Oh my God, he's so cute. He makes me laugh. I want him." What the fuck does that mean? What does that mean? I want him. What, what
the fuck are you saying, little girl? "Should I tell him?" If that's how you feel, honey, tell him. My daughter goes to school, tells the boy how she feels, she comes home. "Dad, oh my God. Guess what. Matt likes me back. W
e're a thing." "Good for you, honey. That makes me happy. Do me a favor. Keep it in
the kid space, though." "Okay, Dad." She comes back home two days later. "Dad, I don't like Matt no more. I like this boy named Rob now. He look better. He make me laugh more. That's who I really want." "It happens, honey. Sometimes, you think you like somebody. Then, you meet somebody else and you realize that's the person that you liked all along. It's called life. Make it happen. Move on. Be honest with the ot
her person." "All right, Dad. I love you." Keep it in the kid space. A week goes by. "Dad, I don't like Rob no more. I like this boy named Tim." Instantly, in my mind, I said, "My daughter a ho." This is ho shit. This is ho shit. Ho activity right in front of my face. I immediately called the ho
that I knew from the past, asked her if this is how
it went down for her. Three boys back to back. She said, "Yup. The same way." Next thing I knew, I was plucking balls in the bathroom. What the fuck is
happening? My baby plucking balls. I gotta save her. - I feel like I'm a better
parent when I'm not there. Like when something
happens from my family, if I'm gone, it's so much better. My daughter's got their periods. Ooh, that was a pause, huh? The guys on the top row are like, "All right, I'm gonna go get
another beer real quick." My daughter's got their periods. Now, Georgia got hers
first. She's the oldest. That's how that works. I wasn't there. Thank God, 'cause I would've fucked that up r
oyally. I would've been like, "All right, you go to the river
and do laundry for a week. You're dirty." Go on, get! Go on, get! Now, Georgia, just to paint the picture, is a simple moron. Like a very good-hearted Christian moron. Just doesn't know what she's saying. We were playing scategories one time, where you roll the dice, letter comes up, fill
out all the categories? Me, George, and Ila. We roll the letter N. I look at Ila. First one is U.S. states. I go, "Ila, what did
you put for U.S. st
ates that start with N?" And she goes, "Couldn't think of one." I go, "You're in eighth grade. You couldn't think of one state that started with the letter N?" And she goes, "No, could you? And I go, "Yeah, Nevada." She goes, "Never heard of it." I go, "Georgia, what did you put?" She goes, "New Hampshire." I was like, "Ila, is that a state?" I thought that was a providence. Next one's street names. I go, "Ila, what'd you
put for street names that start with the letter N?" And she goes, "Nebrask
a." I'm like bitch! That's what I put. I go, "Georgia, what did
you put for street names that start with the letter N?" And she goes, "I think I did this wrong." I go, "What did you put for street names that start with the letter N, Georgia?" She goes, "I don't wanna tell you guys. I think I'm gonna keep it to myself." I'm like, "No, you're
definitely fucking telling us." She goes, "I wrote Notorious B.I.G. Wasn't that his street name?" I am like, "You beautiful
fucking idiot. Yes it was." She g
ot her period on a Saturday night in
the middle of the night. Woke up Sunday morning,
bleeding, freaking out. Crack of dawn. I was on the road. Thank God. Walked into our bedroom, woke up my wife, five in the morning, bleeding and crying. Her exact words were, "Mommy, I'm not ready
to be a big girl today." It breaks your heart. It really does. My wife is a fucking gangster.
I joke a lot about her. She's a bad mother fucker. Dude, she scooped her up, took her out to the living room, put her down
on the couch, put some towels down, I hope. Went out, got donuts, came home, started season one episode
one of "Downton Abbey" and that became their show. That was Georgia's
entrance into womanhood. That's how they bonded. I came home. I didn't even know anything had happened. I was drunk, obviously. We had just put our new pool in. So, I go and I grab Ila, I take her outside, I
throw her in the pool. I grab Georgia. You already know it, don't you? The second I grab her, she goes, "Get your hand
s off me!" I'm like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. You do not talk to your father like that." Ila pops up out of the pool. "Dad, we got a bleeder." Georgia starts crying immediately. LeeAnn yells at me. I end up in the pool with Ila drinking a double Titos and soda, getting the full rundown. Ila's like, "Dad, I followed
the tracks into mom's room." I go, "You followed tracks?" She goes, "Like a hunter, Dad." Looks at me dead in the face and goes, "Hey, Dad, I promise you right now I'll never get my period.
I was like, "Really?" She goes, "Yeah, I'll always be your best little buddy." - [Audience] Aw. - I know, I almost started
crying in the pool, 'cause I was like how stupid is she? - You know, my son ran up to me one time. This is a true story. I was in my room and he ran up to me. He always fucks with me, 'cause he's got such a
beautiful head of hair, right? It's fucking beautiful, man, and he looks like one of
the Jacksons from the five, like, hey, like... And he comes up to me and he goes, "D
ad, when I get older, am I gonna be bald like you?" And that hurt me so bad. Like he doesn't understand
how hard that hurt and I was like, so I wanted to like let
him know that it hurt, but not with words, just by my tone. I was like, "You know what, Joe? You get your hair from your mom's side and on your mom's side, everyone has a full head of hair. That's probably why you have so much hair. So, you don't have to be
worried about being bald like your dad." And my son goes, "Sweet." Sweet. And w
ent to his fucking
room like an asshole. And I was crushed. I was like man, fuck this kid, man. That's why anytime they ask a question, I have an opportunity to knock him down, I do it. Fuck him, man. He came up to me like two weeks after that and he was like, "Dad." He's like all sad. "Dad, can I talk to you
for a second, please, and you promise you won't make a joke?" "Yeah. I promise." "No, I'm serious, Dad. Like it's been bothering me and I need to talk to you about this. So, please, no joke
s." "All right, Joe. Talk to me. What's wrong? Why are you crying? What's wrong?" "Okay. I don't even know how to say this. Okay, I've been growing my pubic hairs for a couple years now." "Joe, you gotta warn me about the topic. Like you can't just come
in hot like that, man. You gotta warn me. Let me know. I'm trying to eat lunch right now. Now, I got pubic hairs on my mind. "All right, come on, Dad. You said you were gonna not joke around. I'm being serious. Like, listen to me. I've been growi
ng my pubic
hairs for a while now. Like for a couple years." "Okay, yeah. You're a teenager, Joe. That's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to grow your pubic hair. So, what's bothering you? What?
Why is that making you mad?" "No, just listen to me." "Okay, I'm listening. What?
What's bothering you?" "Okay, well I always thought, Dad, that once you start to
grow your pubic hairs, that the penis was
supposed to start growing." "Yeah, and?" "My penis isn't growing, Dad! Just my pubic hair
s. My penis is still the same
size from two years ago, but my pubic hairs are long, Dad. It just keeps growing.
I don't get it, Dad. Dad! Dad! Dad!" And I didn't know what to do. I just got on my phone like what the fuck? He's like, "What are you doing, Dad?" And I was like, "I'm canceling that DNA test." - My other responsibility
as a dad with my daughter is to teach her how a man
is supposed to treat her. Yep. Big difference. Right. So, yes, I will be hard on my son and I will spoil my daughte
r, because I reserve the right to ruin some man's life, too, someday. And I want my daughter's future husband to hear nothing from her but, "My daddy, my daddy, my father." "This is not how I am to be treated. My daddy told me. My daddy." And I also want that
little girl to grow up to be exactly like my wife. Oh, yeah. 'Cause I want my wife to
know what the fuck it's like to live with her, too. Oh, I want her to get her payback and some of you women are having daughters becoming teenagers and yo
u can't figure out why you and her can't get along. Well, congratulations. You have met yourself and your husband loves it when
you come to him like this. Go talk to your daughter right now. Why? Because she has an attitude problem. She doesn't take no for an answer and she spends every
dollar that we give her. And your husband's just
sitting there going, "Wow, you know anybody like that?" "Oh, shut up. Your payback's coming, because she's gonna
marry a dumbass like you and give you both Bell's
palsy." Payback, bitch.
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