Attention, please. Local train 9 on platform 3B is delayed by
25 minutes today. A refund of your ticket is unfortunately not
possible. Please contact the relevant information desk
in the station concourse for your alternative travel route. We apologize for the inconvenience. Grandma, can I ask you a question? Sure darling, what would you like to know? Why are trains always late? It’s so annoying. So you think it’s always bad that trains
are late, my child? Yes. Absolutely. It’s just a waste of t
ime. Hmm… You may be wrong, sweetheart. Let me tell you a little story about delayed
trains. You will learn that delays are sometimes necessary
to ensure that things happen at their scheduled time. Not according to the station schedules. There are higher schedules in our universe. I’m going to tell you a story about a huge
train station. Not an ordinary station, like this one, where
we are sitting right now. The one I’m talking about is much, much
bigger. Because it’s not on earth. It’s in outer
space. And from there, all kinds of trains, huge
and tiny trains, long and short trains, for all kinds of alien races, depart. Across the Milky Way, every advanced alien
race keeps a space station close to their home planet. They can travel anywhere in the wide galaxy,
wherever you can imagine. But these planetary stations are only small
stops, like bus stops. There are also big, central space stations,
called WeTransfer. WeTransfer 1. WeTransfer 2. But the train station where our story takes
p
lace is… particularly chaotic. It’s called WeTransfer 3B. Chaotic? So are the trains in WeTransfer 3B always
late, too? Oh yes. Almost all trains are delayed there. Some trains are even delayed by up to 500 years! You’d be glad of only 30 minutes. 500 years? How does that work? That’s due to the infinite distances in
space. But let me start the story from the beginning. So… A few decades ago, there was a young man with
blue skin. He was a bit upset, as he was stuck on WeTransfer 3B. The alien wi
th the name "Lyo" had just finished
his expedition to a jungle planet, and was now trying to get home… Hello. My name is Lyo Devyato. I have been on planet Erich 30910-C for four
months, where I am searching for the so-called “Na’vi”-Aliens. As you’re well aware, ever since a mysterious
space signal revealed to us the existence of a potentially related, blue-skinned species
living on a jungle planet called “Pandorra”, countless researchers of our kind have ventured
on a quest to locate them on j
ungle planets throughout the universe. The discovery of the “Na’vi” would be
groundbreaking, as it would signify the first species, apart from our own, to possess
blue skin. Our explicit objective is to finally address
intragalactic discrimination against blue-skinned beings by finding a related species. Unfortunately, I was unable to locate any
highly advanced lifeforms on this promising planet. However, the existence of blue spiders has
encouraged me to continue my research here and on neighb
oring planets during a second
expedition. For this reason, I am once again requesting
financial support to fund my return.. ehm, second research journey. Let us collectively put an end t the
discrimination against blue-skinned species once and for all, liberating ourselves from
the need to conceal under long coats and hats. Thank you. Best regards. So the boy was unsuccessful. He won’t give up his dream. Oh, don’t be naive! He just needs money to get home! These young people are our only hope of
finding
blue species. I believe the boy has potential. But he seems to lack a certain… Shall I say… Determination. I suggest we only pay him the bare minimum. He needs to learn to fend for himself. Well, the bare minimum means we have to send
him to this budget train station, where half of the travellers never return… What’s it called again? I think it’s called “WeTransfer 3B”. WeTransfer 3B. The most unorganized train station in the
entire Milky Way galaxy. Attention! Partial power failure. Al
l passengers. Remember your oxygen mask. I was warned not to come here. Out of order. Please walk upstairs. But I had no other choice, and it was my only
way to travel to this exotic planet. The outward journey was successful. Okay, it was not. But compared to this station, any jungle is
a holiday paradise. It was probably a mistake to ask them for
a return ticket. Just as the young man was about to set off
in search of his express train, he heard an announcement. Dear passengers, we regret to i
nform you that
there will be extensive timetable changes taking place that are likely to take approximately
300 years, as our major construction project site has been struck by two meteorites. Unfortunately refunds are currently unavailable
due to the loss of three intragalactic quant-coins, which has led to a disruption in the entire
milkypay-system. Please contact the travel information droids
for your alternative travel route, as our super app is currently out of order due to
repeated hacker
attacks. Passengers are reminded that complaints are
to be lodged with the chatbot. Complaint was not accepted. On the positive side, it's still better than
most other days. On behalf of WeTransfer3B team, we would like
to apologize for the inconvenience caused. Please enjoy your intragalactic journey with
WeTransfer - We Do Try! Welcome To WeTransfer 3B! So the young alien now had no money left for
another train. He was broke, you see, just as students
and scientists often are. Oh no! So what
did he do? He had to try something. So he found one of the info travel droids
and tried asking it to tell him where to get another train. It replied: Hello, Sir. The next train departs in 5 hours on level
17, track 898. As you are on the “really Low Budget”
package, you will be travelling in 4th class. You will have to change trains 73 times on
your new route. The average changing time is 1.2 minutes. The WeTransfer team wishes you a pleasant
journey! Please remember to rate us 5 stars... Now I
know where I have to go, but I still
have no idea how to get there. The biggest scam happening in this joke of
a space train station is having to buy the “superdeluxe advanced language-download
package”, just in order to be able to read Galactic Standard language. And then, when you can finally read the signs,
doesn't mean it gets any better. Delayed 426 days. Train lost – all died. Wormhole malfunction. Fatal meteor collision. This train station is a nightmare of astronomical
proportions. Lyo s
tarted to feel a little queasy. He wondered whether it had been a mistake
to undertake this journey. But when he found level 17, he gathered new
courage. Welcome to Level 17 of your intragalactic
train station franchise, where we transport you anywhere in the Milkyway, as long as your
weight does not exceed a total of 3 tons. Our air composition today is: Nitrogen: 45
%, and oxygen: 20 %. This air composition enables around 73 % of our guests to breathe
normally without aids. Welcome to WeTransf
er 3B! We Do Try. Although the air composition was excellent
that day, Lyo quickly realized that this level was strangely empty, and that the place was
full of confusing signs with arrows in alien writing pointing in very different directions. But Granny! Didn’t you say he bought the extra plus
language download package? Shouldn't he be able to read the alien signs
with this? You are a very attentive young lady. Well, not being a particularly successful
scientist, he could only afford the most b
asic language chip, and that simply didn’t work
these many levels away from the main station. Well, as you certainly remember, Lyo was an
experienced jungle explorer. So he finally found his way through the sign jungle. But just as he had finally arrived at section
989, or 898 – I forgot, anyways – he heard a new announcement... Attention Passengers, problems in the direction
coordination have led to derailed trains on level 17. Therefore, all trains on level 17 have been
canceled today. We apol
ogize for any inconvenience. Please follow the direction arrows to your
Information desk. Goddamn it!! How can this excuse for a transportation business
still be running at all? It seemed to be a cursed day. Lyo’s train had been canceled again. Now he had to find a way back through the
chaos of signs. But the fear of not being able to find a replacement
train made it impossible for him to concentrate. And so he got lost on level 17. Ladies and gentlemen, due to the unannounced
strike of AI train
drivers, train services to sector 2091238912 of the Milky Way galaxy
have unfortunately been canceled until further notice. You may use the alternative method of Time
Travel backwards. For financing your time travel, please visit
the space bank on level 9. Only after a long time, he finally found legible
signs pointing in the direction of the elevators. But as bad luck would have it that day, the
elevator was rerouted to another level due to a technical defect. Oh no! How can someone have so mu
ch bad luck? Well, it could have been worse for him, my
dear. He ended up on the store level, which wasn't
such a bad thing after all. Welcome To WeTransfer 3B! Shop Level. Lyo was, as you can imagine, at the end of
his tether. But he hadn't expected the sight that met
him on the shop level… It was clean and surprisingly well-organized. So, while he searched for the next information
droid, he took a little look around. What kind of stores were there, Granny? There were all kinds of stores you ca
n imagine. Fast food… Try our newest McZero - zero calories, zero
gravity, zero taste! Souvenir stores… All gas giants 50 % off! Huh? Travel Agencies… Book your nose job on Istanbular! Nightclubs, a place where aliens roam while
looking for a potential hook-up. It isn't at all uncommon that, while waiting
for the inevitable delays to be sorted, intragalactic, interspecies romances do develop on occasion. This also explains the abundance of Flower
Stalls to be found in the area. I love you, baby.
And, of course, pharmacies for all kinds of
complications during space travel. Like radiation disease, the usual stuff. There are even very special hotels, known
as cryo hotels, where passengers whose trains are canceled for many years can spend their
time in cryosleep. Because sometimes, this happens… Dear passengers, the ISE towards Andromeda-29
will be closed for the next 10 years due to repair work. Please wait until then in cryo sleep in one
of our cryo hotels. You will receive a special f
are. Rumor has it that there are some cryohotels
in WeTransfer3B that you enter, but never leave again… Lyo certainly didn’t want to end up like
this. But he didn’t check into a cryo hotel, right? So what did he buy in the shop level? Well, as I told you earlier, he didn't have
much money. But he did buy a few cheap things. He bought some … Very nutritious astronaut food, in case my
journey takes forever. A used multifunctional spacesuit on special
offer. A highly energetic Milkyway chocolate ba
r. A "complete space travel pill package". Then I noticed a freshly baked scent, warm
and familiar, that snaked its way through the sterile artificial air of the station.... Bakeries. Lots of them. Each more tempting than the last. Planet quark balls… In all colors and sizes, mirroring all those
foreign planets I longed to explore, if one could ever leave this station. My resolve, already weakened by the journey,
crumbled like a freshly baked croissant. Please keep your spacesuit closed at all t
imes. Until a familiar sound reminded me that I
still had to find an alternate train. Only problem was: After all these heavenly delicacies,
I was overwhelmed by the need to get some rest… I began to get the strange impression that
they were trying to lure everyone into the WeTransfer 3B Cryohotels. After almost dozing off on the escalator,
I stumbled upon a cryo café, frequented by those who just awakened from cryosleep. Cryo coffees are known for their potent brews,
rumored to awaken even the
comatose. With a "CryoShot 2 Go", I hoped to shock myself
awake until I would find my train. But just before I could try a sip, I glanced
upon an info droid, who said: This Way, Sir. So I followed him. The droid quickly led Lyo up to the rail replacement
level, where all those passengers whose trains had been canceled today,
were being directed to. Seemingly against all odds, he finally found
his track. Together with some other stranded aliens,
he waited… And waited... And waited… But nothing
happened. Attention all passengers, the rail replacement
service must unfortunately be replaced due to staff shortages. Your replacement buses, which will be used
to replace the replacement trains, will be available shortly. We apologize for the inconvenience. As it turned out, all the replacement trains
were already in operation. A defective wormhole had caused extensive
train cancellations. If Lyo had arrived at the station just half
an hour earlier, (Milkyway Time Units) he would have been ab
le to catch one of the
last trains. But as he had spent too long in the bakery,
he now had to make do with a run-down space bus. So, did Lyo travel to his home planet on this
old bus? Yes and no. He finally left WeTransfer 3B and set off
on a long journey, as he had numerous changes to make. I had this thought. That a train journey mirrors life. Moving from one station to another without
ever truly arriving at your intended destination. There is nothing substantial from my research
on the jungle
planet to present. No blue companions discovered. But hey, at least I can say I made it through
WeTransfer 3B. I navigated through that infernal nexus of
Cosmic Delays. That sounds good. The bus, which was driven by an outdated AI
system, took several aliens to different stops, until Lyo was the only passenger left. The journey went well, and Lyo almost nodded
off, finally giving into his long-awaited rest. But just as the bus was about to turn into
a replacement wormhole, he saw a strange, bri
ght sign from afar... Attention, please. Due to a signal transmission error, this vehicle
is heading towards a faulty wormhole. What? We apologize for any inconvenience. Stop the bus! Shit! Hopefully, you will be evacuated shortly. Brake! Leia! Please stay calm. This is your friendly WeTransfer 3B Team. Leia! We Do Try. Turn on manual override, please! You are requesting me to turn you on? I am sorry, Sir, but the cost of an erotic
encounter exceeds your current account balance. An unfortunate s
ignal error meant that his
space bus could no longer be stopped by the WeTransfer-team, which unfortunately was busy
snacking some seductive planet quark balls for lunch during the alarm. Simultaneously, AI autopilot Leia could not
stop the bus at his command, because her language software was as outdated as the space bus
she was piloting. And so, Lyo Devyato was never seen again. What? Are you kidding me? He just died? No, I don’t believe you, Granny. That doesn't sit right with you, does it? S
urely, all the hardships Lyo endured couldn't
have been for nothing... Well then, perhaps it's best to allow him
to finish the story in his own words. As it happens, a defective wormhole isn't
all that terrible, provided you're fine with finding yourself in a random corner of the
galaxy. From the outside, the wormhole appeared to
be faulty. I had expected that this would be my highway
to hell. A deathride. But I was wrong. The only aftermath of traversing through a
ruptured wormhole appeared to
be an overwhelming sense of fatigue. Out of sheer luck, however, I could grab an
extra strong cryo coffee to go, standing within arm’s reach in the bus cockpit, preventing
me from what was later known as "wormhole coma". The buses AI system identified a nearby star
with a planet in the habitable zone, that likely harbored life forms of lower intelligence. Considering the options of a months-long voyage
on a run-down space bus to reach the planet versus risking another trip through the faulty
wor
mhole, I decided the former to be a safer alternative. So we set off to the foreign planet. And by sheer luck, my suitcase, crammed with
budget finds from WeTransfer 3B, held everything I needed for the unplanned space voyage. Packed among the bargains, I found surprisingly
nutritious astronaut food... ...along with all the essential medications required for an
unplanned space voyage. Expecting another calamity to befall us at
any moment, it almost felt unreal as we reached the foreign planet sa
fely aboard the old space
bus. You have arrived at your destination. A blue marble amidst the dark expanse of stars. Streaked with verdant veins and cloaked in
white, billowing skin, it murmured the secrets of life. Upon arriving, I clumsily climbed into the
worn-down, multifunctional spacesuit I had purchased on the shop level
of WeTransfer3B, one of an older generation of space suit models. Surprisingly, this antiquated space suit proved
resilient in the face of the planet's unfamiliar atmosph
ere, suggesting its age was comparable
to that of the planet itself. And don’t forget about the budget-friendly
language download pack I had to purchase on WeTransfer 3B just to be able
to read the directional signs. It happened to include a few extinct ancient
languages, probably added to create the illusion of greater value for money. You know, the way they blow up bags of potato
chips, make them appear fuller. (Laughter) But it was only through this fortunate coincidence
that I found myself
capable of communicating with the indigenous alien species on this
planet. As fate would have it, they spoke one of the
galaxy's extinct languages, which they called "English." Ladies and Gentlemen. Now you know the story of how I discovered
Earth. And how the first contact between the human
race and the intragalactic Milkyway community was made. A discovery aided by delayed trains, strong
coffee and a horny AI. The universe is indeed a strange place. (Applause) Thank you, humans. At that very m
oment, Lyo realized that he
had been at exactly the right place, at exactly the right time. Everything had happened precisely the way
it was meant to happen. And although these “humans” he had discovered,
weren’t blue skinned at all, he had nonetheless found creatures reminiscent of jungle dwellers. Yaaah! But none of this would have happened, had
it not been for all the unexpected incidents. If he hadn’t gotten into the wrong elevator
on Level 17, he would never had gotten to the store level, w
ould never have bought all
the important things. And if his old space bus hadn't experienced
a signal malfunction, he would never have traveled into the broken wormhole. So it’s a good thing that all these Cosmic
Delays happened. Now you understand, my child. Sometimes it is important for us to take detours
in order to find our true path. Well, look at that. Our train is arriving in two minutes. Hey, Granny. What if we don’t take the train? We could discover the train station. What do you say? I
think that is a great idea. How about we go to the station bakery and
search for some freshly baked donut planet rings? Can I have a coffee to go, Granny? No, sweetie, you’re too young for caffeine. I have another question. Do WeTransfer 3B and Lyo really exist? I mean, did all of this really happen? Of course! Where do you think the Milkyway chocolate
bars you like so much come from? But where is Lyo then? If the story is true? You know, dear… After spending some time on Earth, Lyo has
decided
it’s time to head back to WeTransfer3B. Now that they know the way to Earth, they
can build a whole new train route and finally get the humans connected to the big train
system up there in the stars. Humans. Arriving soon. And can you guess why Lyo is taking on that
challenge to help build it? Because he’s still a bad scientist and needed
a new job? Well, that's true. He never particularly stood out as a scientist. But no. It’s because he’s made peace with WeTransfer3B. Even after – or let’s sa
y, because of –,
all the troubles along the way... ...that made him discover Earth. Construction on the realigned wormhole leading
to the recently discovered planet 'Earth' continues to progress remarkably. Today, it has been decided to name the new
train route after its discoverer, Lyo Devyato, a blue skinned being. I told you, the boy has potential! The Devyato train route marked the end of
discrimination against blue beings in the Milky Way galaxy. Granny? I have another last question. What
is it, Sweetheart? Why do I have blue hair? Oh, that's another story. I'll tell you about it the next time a train
is delayed. Attention all passengers, we have fantastic
news from the WeTransfer team: the eagerly anticipated train route to the recently discovered
conservation planet "Earth" will be completed in 321 years! However, until then, approximately 56% of
our trains may face diversions and cancellations. We kindly advise booking your stay at the
Cryohotel in advance. Attention all being
s, we regret to inform
you that the intragalactic tourist train "Voyager 8B" experienced a derailment and was
subsequently drawn into the central black hole. For security reasons, the sale of cryo espresso has
been banned throughout the station. Counseling services for relatives are available. Due to long waiting lists, please remember
to book your personal droid for psychological support at least 3 years in advance. WeTransfer visitors - we have great news! After only 32 years of construction
work, section 57 is now open for use. You can finally reach your office planet again. Goodbye HomeOffice! The only section they should not have repaired, goddamn it! All passengers, due to clogged toilets on
the train, waste will be disposed of directly as space debris today. Nearby spacecraft have been warned about potential
unexpected collisions. Our apologies. We Do Try. What?
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