Daniel Muggleton | White & Wrong (Full Comedy Special)

- Thank you, thank you very much. Thank you very much. Surely you guys realize as an Australian experiencing enthusiasm is fucked. I felt very uncomfortable. I felt very uncomfortable during that moment. But thanks for being here, I do appreciate it. Like the main thing I wanna say is like, it's so nice to be here because I'm from Sydney, so it's nice to finally do this show in Sydney and it's nice being able to say honestly that it's nice to be here. No, you guys might not know, even when you'r

e in a shit hole, you have to say it, like they get real cross if you are like, yeah, it's fucking fine to be here, I guess. Like it's the worst in Adelaide 'cause you're like, it's nice to be here and it's not, it's not nice. I don't wanna rinse Adelaide too early. It's like, nothing happens there, like just no. Like Melbourne and Sydney are Australia's only two cities. The rest are just towns with a dream. Like I don't wanna be part of your Make-A-Wish Brisbane, like fuck off, man. I don't res

pect you, I don't, like, I don't, Brisbane's like, we won the Olympics. It's like you ran on a pose, cunt, where were you? Where were you in 2000, fucking nowhere, where you belong, right? That was the thing about Adelaide. I was in Adelaide and I was trying to talk to 'em about catching the train and they don't have a train, like, turns out to have a train, you have to have somewhere to be or go. I guess Adelaide has neither at this point, but no, 'cause I've started catching the train again. N

ow there's this one guy, he's on every train. I don't wanna say exactly what this dude looks like, but I describe his appearance as crime adjacent. Everybody got him? You've seen him often chewing, never gum. So this guy is on every train, right? He's on every train, does the same move on every train. When the train gets to a platform, the doors will open. The crime adjacent guy leans out the doors of the train looking very intently up and down the platform. I dunno what he is looking for, I've

never seen him find it. And then when the doors close, he is like, oh, it's the train and gets back on the train. That's what happens for the crime adjacent guy. Every single platform, every single platform I've ever seen him at and I always thought it's because he was looking for a ticket inspector, which I thought was a shit strategy 'cause if I was a ticket inspector and I saw a crime adjacent person, that's probably where I'd start inspecting. And I don't even have formal ticket inspector tr

aining, which I could only assume is extensive. So that's what I always thought and then I got Covid last Christmas, like everybody and I was in one of those in-person PCR testing queues and there was a crime adjacent person in front of me in the queue. Turns out the ticket inspector couldn't find him, Covid could. And he did the exact same move in the Covid queue. We're in the Covid queue. The queue would take a few steps forward, the queue would stop, the crime adjacent guy steps outta the que

ue, looks up and down the queue, gets back in the queue and I was like, dude, we don't need a ticket for this. This isn't American healthcare, it's included, right? Like it's fine. And that's when I realized that guy's not looking for a ticket inspector. What he's doing is looking for his biological father. That's why he writes his name on the train, just in case his dad comes looking for him on the Campbelltown line, right. Always a lot of sympathy for that joke. Nah, fuck him, he is got my pho

ne, like come on. I think that's a fair enough target. But no, it's nice, it's nice being back in Sydney. I don't know how familiar you guys are with me to be fair, like the tracksuits usually a pretty good place to start 'cause people look at me and they're like, does he know he's fucking red, like is he aware? Is he aware how red he is right now? All it is, I lived in the UK for two years and this was my attempt to assimilate into British culture. That's all. That's all it is, I think I nailed

it personally, but now I do wear it back in Australia and people look at me and they're like, you just look flammable. That's not gonna make it through bushfire season. That's a hundred percent polyester, right. It's just not a breathable material. But yeah, actually left the UK December, 2019, which is also known as nailing it. I dunno if you guys have heard, but since then, the UK comedy industry, pretty dead, UK dead industry, very alive. Laughter is the correct response by the way. The weir

dest response I had, I had this one lady yell out, "Too soon." I was like, it's still happening. You can't yell too soon at a joke about a pandemic during a pandemic. That's like yelling too soon in between towers one and two going down on 9/11. People still need to die, right, exactly. But I came home to get married, I'm married. I like telling people I'm married 'cause they're surprised by that information. Yeah, when I walked up here, and everyone was like, man, I bet he got locked down quick

. He seems like a catch and a monogamy enthusiast. That's a real thing, a lot of people assume my swing. Yeah, no, they see my mustache. All right, let's drop some keys and some bolts for sure. That's not raising money for anything. But yeah, I actually get to wear both my parents' wedding rings. That's my dad's, that's my mom's, relax, they're not dead, they're just divorced, right. So both rings are available. That's me in the middle, split them up, that's good stuff. And it's accurate 'cause

I'm an only child, there you go. But yeah, we're married. Is anyone here married outta interest? I know like there's seven. Yeah, fucking right, whoa, yeah. Three of you, very modern, they love them. Fucking dude, good of you to leave Merrickville to be here. I love that. So what's your name, brother? - Jad, you can go with Jay, that's easier. - Nah, fucking don't lose faith in me that quick. You said it real fast one time, what's your name, sir? - Jad, rhymes with dad. - Your name is Jad. - Tha

t's right. - Fuck, thank you for that rhyme. I never would've got there like in a thousand attempts, I would've been like jazz, jats, jam. Then you're like not even close, brother. Jad, nice to meet you, Jad, I'm Daniel on the go. Can I ask you a question, Jad? - [Jad] Yes, sir. - Do you ever have a male friend come up to you and tell you something and then say, don't tell your wife? Does that ever happen, Jad? - Yes. - Yes, it does. Do you tell your wife? - Every single time. - Every single tim

e. Fuck yeah, Jad. I mean I've never heard that name before, but it sounds like what a guy with that name would do. Does anyone else feel that in their heart a little bit being like, yeah, Jad's a fucking snitch dude. Like I thought it was like some cliche, but no, the second I got married, my male friend's like, hey, don't tell your wife, and I'm like, how can you still think you're above her in the hierarchy? This is a quarterly male friendship at best. Like how can you think, like I've never

lost a male friend and had to divide my assets, right? That's never happened. It's like, yeah, me and Jad aren't boys anymore. Now they get to visit the pub every second Tuesday. Fuck off, right? Like what are we doing? Supervised visitation of the schnitzel. Get the fuck outta here. When someone says don't tell your wife, I'm like, man, thank you for reminding me of the first person I'm gonna tell. Because you know what I'm leaving in the story? The bit where you said not to tell her, right? Th

at's staying in, you're a fucking snake in the grass, mate and she's gonna know the truth. Because the thing is like when a guy says that, it is not once been for my wife's benefit, right? It's never to protect her from sad information. It's never like, hey Dan, don't tell your wife. But there is this genocide in China and we can't do anything about it 'cause we owe them too much money, don't tell your wife. I just keep it on the down low, this ever that is they've done something fucked and don'

t want two people judging them at the same time. That's all it is. I love that Jad is just nodding so hard right now, being like, we have the exact same piece of shit friends. When dude said it's like, hey, don't tell your wife, I went to a massage parlor for a happy ending, ended up paying extra for her to piss on me. Don't tell your wife. Can I borrow a towel? Sorry Jad's wife, what's your name? - Catherine. - Cathleen? - Catherine. - Catherine. Fuck I thought it was gonna be weird again and I

apologize. Catherine, fucking there we go. That's been a character and a novel. Sorry, Catherine, have you ever had the same thing happen to you like a female friend say, don't tell your husband, don't tell Jad. Did you tell him? - Depends. - [Daniel] Depends. Catherine, this isn't fucking daytime TV. What was that noise? Everyone's like, ooh, what's under my seat, nothing. Absolutely nothing, it's 10:00 PM you fucking cowards. Alright, what does it depend on? - I know, nine times outta 10, I'd

probably tell him. - [Daniel] Nine times outta 10. You've counted, you've worked out a statistical probability to the breaking of trust in your relationship. I mean, Catherine, the funny thing is, I fucking agree with you a hundred percent. Sorry, that's the difference. When a lady says don't tell your husband, don't, don't tell him 'cause when women say that, it's for our benefit, it's to help us. When women say don't tell your husband, it's followed up by sentences, like, yeah, 'cause girth i

s more important than length and you're like, whoa, Jad and I are standing there with our narrow confidence, just getting skinnier by the syllable, right? We can't be too careful. Do you guys have kids? No kids, thinking about it? - [Catherine] Maybe about two years. - [Daniel] That was fucking quick. We're trying to have kids at the moment. I didn't know you have to try it. You hear that male laughter? Yeah, being like, wait, you do? Like, yeah, no, I'm like you guys, I just thought you stopped

preventing it and were punished with a child. That was my genuine understanding, right? Like I thought it was kind of like, a climate change scenario. Just like if we do nothing, it's a boy. Honestly I knew nothing about fertility going in, nothing at all, and I think it's caused like a lot of dudes. I got my entire sexual education from a PE teacher and a priest. Two separate guys, just relax, it's okay. It's just that neither of those jobs requires an understanding of science. Like why did we

pick them to teach kids about sex? They don't seem to have the knowledge. Think about it. It's one guy who has never had sex in his life and a priest, right, what? How are these the best we've got? It's an important issue, we trust them. It's one guy whose knees you can always see and one guy whose knees you hope you never see, right? It just doesn't seem like experts. I genuinely, Jad, I don't know. Like I hate to break this news to you like this. Like I thought like the first time that I came

in my wife, she was gonna be pregnant like the first time, 'cause like, I don't know if you guys are scientists, that's what you gotta do. There's a lot of wife cumming going on, it's important, it's important for you to cum in my wife, that's the key. Or so it's been explained to me, right? But yeah, I thought the first time she was gonna like be pregnant, that means I was gonna be a dad in like nine months. And I was like, man, am I ready to be a father in nine months? That was like genuinely

, I was nervous. Like I was nervous to cum in her for the first time 'cause that's not something I'd ever done before and before you guys think like, man, this Christian is undercover, like no. It was like, fuck he slipped through, that's amazing, no. Like in fairness with a fucking custom track suit, I do look like a youth pastor like that. I was nervous. Like I was nervous to cum in my wife for the first time. Like, 'cause I'd never done it. Like, don't get me wrong, I had been there, I just h

adn't stayed there and to have a kid, you gotta stay. You're gonna be in there like the whole time. Like I used to treat having sex with my wife, like going to the cinema. Like when I thought the credits were about to play, I'd get outta the cinema, that's when I'd go because I was worried about a sequel, you can't be sure. Little after credit scene, you're like, fuck there's one coming. It could happen that way. But yeah, to have a kid, you gotta stay. Like you gotta watch the credits all the w

ay down to the director of photography, then you can go, that's kinda what you're looking for. So that was the thing. I was genuinely nervous to do it for the first time to have intercourse to procreate, which is what you call it when it's not for fun, right? And my wife knew that I was nervous. So the first time we were there, right? We're like going for it and she knows I'm nervous so she's trying to reassure me. So we're going and she says, "You're gonna make such a great dad." And I was like

, that's a pretty early call, to be honest. Then we kept going and she's like, "I can't wait to have a baby with you," and I was like, the credit's getting further away. Maybe just, and we're getting closer and closer and closer and just when I thought the credits were about to play, like all that muscle memory from my twenties kicked in and I just shoved her off me and came safely in the air. That's what I did, safely in the air, that way goes up, lands on me. I'm a married man now, you can't g

et that on the sheets. That's messy, right? God gave you a belly button for a reason, get it in there, clean it up with a day old t-shirt. We've only got one planet. I didn't know this when I was a younger man, but I think the only reason some women swallow is 'cause it's the neatest option, from what I've found out, it's not actually the taste. That was 18 months ago. Still no baby, still no pregnancy. We've actually done the fertility test. I dunno if anyone here's ever done a fertility test,

for women, they're quite expensive and invasive. But for dudes, pretty sick. Honestly, probably my favorite ever test 'cause our test is we have to jizz in a cup. That's the test. Sorry, I said that wrong, we get to jizz in a cup. It felt like permission. When my doctor was like, can you jizz in this cup? I was like, fucking oath mate, let's go. Honestly, don't even worry about the Medicare rebate on this one. I'm happy for you to keep a hundred percent of the cum. It's all yours. Run the test t

wice, knock yourself out. But I'd only ever seen fertility tests in American films where you take the test at a clinic, open the door, hand it to a nurse, thank you very much. But in Australia, you actually take fertility test at home. So I was home and I was just about to take the test and my wife called me and she was like, can I be there? And I was like, why? And she's like, 'cause I wanna make sure you're doing it right. I was like, I'm doing it right. I've never been more confident about an

ything. In fact, sometimes you do it wrong. Like, that's how right I do it. I've never studied harder for a test. I take a practice exam every time she goes to Pilates, Like I'm gonna nail this test, lock it in. And I took the test, it was more than I thought there'd be, which felt good, good stuff. But then it was time to deliver it to the clinic, and I'll be honest with you, I've never checked an address more. That's not one you want to get wrong. You don't wanna walk through the wrong door be

ing like, here's the cup of jizz you've been waiting for. And the guy behind the counter is like, sorry mate, this is ear, nose and throat, and you're like, ah, so close. But only one of those places is jizz appropriate, right? And I think we can all agree. For anyone who cares, the test came back fine by the way. My wife has more eggs than most women her age and I had a doctor look me in the eye and tell me I have an above average load, thank you. I mean you're really feeling like the gender cl

ap gap on that joke, oh yeah. Everyone's like, fucking get it brother and the people who aren't clapping are just like, holy shit, how deep is that guy's belly button, like my god. Must be like a fucking plunge pool. So we just gotta wait, that's the thing. The doctor's like just wait, just keep trying and it's very weird when you have a medical professional prescribe you sex and everyone's upset because look, I'll be honest with you, I feel like waiting is not something I've been well prepared

for, I'm a 33 year old person. Waiting is not our generation's thing. Like have you ever ordered something online, and they're like, yeah, it'll be three to five business days. And you're like, you fucking what? Give it to me tomorrow. Exploit somebody so it gets here on time, right? I'm not giving you $12 to not give to them for nothing. I'll be honest, I don't mind the wait. I don't mind the wait just because it's given me time to actually hang out with children, which I hadn't done before. Ha

s anyone else been that person being like, I think I want kids. Have you ever spent time with them, no. Do you like other people's kids, fuck no. Do you think you're gonna like your kids, absolutely. Why, because they're gonna have tiny little mustaches, that's why. My girls are gonna be beautiful, right? To be perfectly honest, I don't mind the wait, I don't mind that it's taken some time because it's given me time to actually hang out with children, which I'd never done before 'cause I dunno i

f you guys can tell by looking at me, people don't ask me to babysit, that doesn't happen. No one ever looks at me and goes, I bet he's good with kids. People look at me and go, I think he might be too good. We should probably keep the kids away from him. Just in case as a precaution. So what we started doing, my wife has got me babysitting her niece and nephew. The niece is six, the nephew's four, and like, I didn't realize how children talk to you 'cause they're quite mean. Like it's not inten

tional. They're just very blunt in what they say. Like one time the niece pointed at my face and goes, what's wrong? And I was like, I didn't think anything, to be honest. I didn't know what to do so I just tripped her and left. Gotta learn a lesson somehow, right? But no, we were hanging out one time and she challenged me. Well, they both challenged me to a joke competition. Now they don't know I'm a professional joke contestant. They just thought it'd be a fun thing to do, right? They were lik

e, uncle Dan, do you wanna do a joke competition with us? And I was like, fuck yeah, I'm gonna destroy you. I'll do my 9/11 shit, I don't give a fuck, right? When it comes to joke competitions, I play to win. And I felt pretty confident going into the joke contest because the six year old, she knows what jokes are, but she doesn't understand how they work, right? She'll be like, hey Uncle Dan, I got a joke. And I'm like, oh yeah. And she's like, what do you call a girl in the middle of a tennis

court? And I'm like, what? And she's like, an ant, that's a joke, right, that works, that's all right. That's not too bad, nice and clean. And then I'll be like, okay, I've got one for you. What do you call a boy with a shovel on his head? And she's like, what? And I'm like, Doug, and she's like, that's shit, and I'm like, ah. I mean she's six, she didn't say that shit. She was like, shit Joe, cunt. And I was like, oh, all right. But then she was like, uncle Dan, I've got another one for you, an

d I was like, all right. And she was like, what do you call a girl with a shovel on her head? And I'm like, what, and she's like, Annette. And I'm like, no, there needs to be a connection between the setup and the punchline, which is obviously a criticism you could level at quite a few Australian comedians, but let's not get into that. Let's just move on from that. So I knew I would beat her, right? And I knew I'd be the four year old as well just because he's a fucking moron. Seriously, he's ju

st a dumb kid. Like I saw this guy get off a trampoline face first. He didn't fall, he got off face first. He was on the trampoline, looked at the ground and was like, that's where I want to go, and just fucking all the way. And like it's not just that, he's got a stutter, come on, it's over. It's a joke contest, he's got a stutter. I dunno if you guys realize, in this business do, do, do, do, delivery's everything. Like let's be realistic. So we're just about to start the joke contest and the n

iece is also hosting the joke contest. So she's like, before we start I need to warm up the crowd. And I was like, good instincts. And then she points at me and she goes, where are you from? And I said, "Sydney." And she goes, great, the crowd's warmed up. Have you ever had your career reduced to one sentence by a fucking six year olds who just nailed the brief? Honestly I was so rattled, I pulled outta the joke contest. I was like, I'm having an existential crisis, you can get fucked. I left th

e playground. The other parents were relieved. But no, they do surprise me, 'cause like, I dunno any of the rules when it comes to children, like I make all the rookie mistakes. Like the niece wanted a Coca-Cola late one night and I was like, absolutely. No, because in my head I was like, man, it's a Friday, you're not drinking, good for you. Everyone needs a night off, right? It's just good for you. But the thing that got me was how she like consumed the Coca-Cola. She had like half of it immed

iately, like chugged it, then just left the rest in the fridge for later and we were playing in the backyard, in this mid play, she goes, sorry, Uncle Dan, I'm actually running outta energy. I just need to go inside for a sec, and she walks in the house, opens up the fridge, has a sip of coke, comes back out and starts telling me about a small business idea. And I was like, man, that is fucking mature. She is only six but that is almost exactly how I use coke. Turns out, as you get older, coke j

ust gets more expensive and less pure just like life. But the main question they ask is if you want a boy or a girl that's like question number one, and I'm always like, look, as long as the kid's want, I don't really care, and I know that sounds crook, but you gotta remember I'm white, my wife does Pilates. Pretty sure that's how it works, like I'm not a PE teacher, but I'm pretty sure. Like the problem with that is we're also both Australian, which means we're making more white Australians, an

d I dunno about you guys, I've never thought we needed more of those. At no point in my life have I looked around and been like, fuck if there were two more white Australians here. I've never been on a pub crawl in Europe and thought, if only, Prague needs more white Australians. I've never been on a Jetstar flight to Bali and thought if only, there's just not enough people saying cunt at 9:00 AM, I feel unsafe, it's no good. Look, I don't wanna be too negative about Australia. I think like ther

e's a lot of good things about Australia but like we're weird. We're a weird country in the sense that we like that it's hard to come here, we enjoy that about Australia. Like look at the national pride we took in bouncing Novak Djokovich, we fucking love that. He turns up and he is like, I'm the number one tennis player in the world. And we're like, fuck off cunt. Yeah, it turns out we've got a court you can't win in, off you go. I hope you're better on clay than the court of appeal. Fuck off.

And it was white, which was a nice change, yeah. The old victimless crime. No like, it's a weird part. Like it's a weird part of Australian culture. Like we like that it's hard to come here. Like we enjoy that about ourselves. Like is anyone here from overseas? - [Attendee] Yeah. - Where are you from brother? - England. - England, wow, let's get a real one. Where are you from brother? - [Sam] Syria. - Syria, fuck, there you go. Syria, what's your name brother? - Sam, nice to meet you Sam, I'm Da

niel on the go. Sam was it easy for you to come to Australia? - [Sam] Not really. - That's fantastic. Look at everyone in the back being like great. Everything's going great. No, it's a real part of our culture, like it's a real thing. We like that it's hard to come here. We love it when people choose to come here from overseas. Like Sam said he's from Syria and everyone's like, fuck yeah dude, doing all right. But we want you to want it somehow. Like you meet someone from overseas like holy shi

t you're from Brazil, that's fantastic. Was it difficult for you to immigrate to Australia? And they're like, yeah, a lot of paperwork, a lot of interviews, I'm very lucky to be here. And as Australians secretly in our heads, we're like, good. You better fucking want it mate. Oh you want to stay, then pick some strawberries, get it done. I hope that the strawberries with the needles in 'em, you better want it, right? You better want to be here. We're oddly proud of our racism in this country. Ot

her countries are embarrassed, we're like nah cunt, we're good at it. When we do it, it's entertaining. That's why we put it on TV. That's all Border Patrol is, that's just Australian racism filmed and shown to other countries as a warning. That's why every episode starts with some guy trying to bring fruit through customs and the officer is like, nah mate, you can't bring it now, you gotta pick it later if you want to stay, to bring it now would be cheating. Which is un-Australian. It was funny

then 'cause like I lived in the UK for a couple years and you guys were always asking me, they were like, was it easy for you to come to the UK? And I was like, yeah, like, super easy, like so easy. Like all you need as an Australian to immigrate to the UK is a photo, like not even of you, they don't mind, you know they don't check, it is through the gate and they're like, well how is that fair? Like why is it easy for you guys to come to the UK but it's hard for us to go to Australia, and I'm

like, well, if you think about it, my white skin is kind of a receipt. This is clearly the original store I was purchased from. So if I want a refund, that's my right, your majesty. That's the thing, I lived there for two years, never had asthma or any of the allergies I have in Australia, and it was only when I left I was like, oh, that's 'cause I was supposed to live here. Hay fever isn't an allergy to pollen, it's karma for white people being where they shouldn't and that's what that is. And

it might sound silly but you never had an aboriginal mate ask you for a Zyrtec, have you, it's never happened. No, look, I had for being a racist country and we definitely are, but like I think we're trying to improve. I really do think Australia's trying to improve. Look at Australia Day, great example, right? That's changed a lot in my lifetime. It used to be, hey, day off work, a hundred songs to count down, nice. Whereas now it's that day that we're like, oh, well, we're not always here. I s

till have very fond memories of Australia Day. Like I actually met my wife at an Australia Day party and before you guys think I'm a piece of shit, relax. It was in 2011 before we'd done anything wrong, and it was overseas, you can still celebrate Australia Day overseas. It's fine, that's a loophole. Think about it, there's a country where you don't belong, you turn up, ruin their day. Is that not the spirit of Australia Day? No, and that's the thing like, I'll be honest, I like the change, like

I prefer the new Australia Day because I used to have to feel weird about being a white Australian all year. Now, I can get that done in one day. So much more efficient. I wake up January 26th, I'm like, I'm so sorry, here's a black tile, go to bed knowing I'm part of the solution. Wake up January 27th, I'm like, wait, you're from Syria, fuck off home. I've done everything I can. I've done everything I can. There's only one group who still celebrates Australia Day on Australia Day, and it's not

racists, it's not bogans, it's recent immigrants. Yeah, turns out you don't get to call it invasion day on a bridging visa, doesn't work like that. Might wanna learn Don Bradman's average before you complain, mate. Otherwise I can think of 99.94 reasons, it's not getting renewed. No, obviously, obviously, I agree with change the date. Like I think indigenous people are a huge part of our country and they should be able to celebrate a national holiday. I just dunno how it's gonna work because th

ey don't wanna celebrate on January 26th 'cause we were cunts to them on that day and I just don't know if there's a day that we weren't. Like maybe February 29th at a push, like maybe, that's the best solution I can come up with so far. It would mean one Australia day every four years. But fuck, it'd go off, think about it. 400 songs to count down, four years worth of tins. We get so lit, we'd invade New Zealand. We do what needs to be done. Take the south island 2024, north island 2028, on the

day they surrender, that's when we celebrate Australia Day going forward. Look, I'll be honest with you, the whole, we can't just create a new public holiday lost a lot of momentum when the queen died. They're like we can't just create a new public... Wait, she's dead, Thursday, you guys like Thursday, you like Thursday? Thursday week, Thursday week seems respectful. Wait, just double checking, it was a white lady who died, excellent. Look, I don't wanna come across like I'm preaching about any

of this shit. I just try to talk about it 'cause I think it's important. Like I fuck up all the time, like I was driving an aboriginal mate of mine through Sydney and we drove past the aboriginal flag flying in someone's backyard and I did what I think anyone would do in that situation, which was nudge him, and point at the flag, right? I was like mate, you're gonna love what's going on over here. And he is like, what is it? I'm like the flag, look, you're gonna miss it, run. And he is like, "D

an, did you just nudge me and point at the aboriginal flag because I'm aboriginal?" And I was like, "Yes, and you missed it and that's not my fault." And he is like, "Dan, you realize you can point wherever you want, it's all mine." Look, which is a good point, but a basic misunderstanding of flags rather than we all do. But no, he is a comedian as well. So I was like, dude, that's so funny. You gotta tell this story on stage, and he did, and when he said it, no one laughed. Yeah, 'cause when an

aboriginal person says that shit, you're all a bunch of guilty white people, aren't you? But when I say it you're like, Dan's the guilty white person I think. I think he's personally responsible for colonization. So he was like, dude, the joke's not working for me. Do you just want to take the drug? And I was like, well, I guess you already took the land. Seems like less of a big deal. But I will have to show some progress and take a second to acknowledge Dane Simpson, the traditional owner of

that joke. How good does it feel to be part of the solution, you guys. Have you guys thought about boy or girl? Have you thought about it at all? - Human. - Human? Fuck, you are from Merrickville. No, that's a good answer. I mean I'm not even there yet. I've thought about it. I think girl, I think I prefer to have girls but that's just because it's important to me to earn more money than my children, that's all. And it just increases the odds, right? It just increases the odds, I'm in the arts.

It's on a knife's edge. I mean, to be honest, I agree with you. I think it's an outdated question, boy or girl. Like it's weird. Like those aren't the only two options anymore. Do you find it weird that gender reveal parties have become popular just when gender's never been less permanent? It's like every gender reveal party's a cliffhanger if you think about it. Yeah, this is the end of season one. But wait till you see season eight. Like we got a whole new cast. I'm like, I don't know, I feel

sorry for old people, especially with the gender stuff. We get very angry at old people for not understanding there's more than two genders now. But you gotta remember like when my dad was growing up, there was only one gender, men. And then in the 1970s, Jermaine Greer invented women. Remember, another great Australian invention, right? And now there's more than two, of course, they can't handle that. Of course old people can't handle there's more than two genders. Old people can't handle when

there's more than two bins. Have you ever seen anyone over the age of 60 approach three bins. Too many bins. They're walking up being like rubbish, classic, recycling, okay, compost. This is a wooden fork. It's kind of all of them but also none of them, like I think it must be rubbish 'cause I don't wanna use it again but it seems to identify as recycling. It's got this little triangle and how could it not be compost? It's made of fucking wood. Never would've happened with plastic. Life was easi

er back then. Throw it out if I felt like it, weather unaffected. Then they just throw the fork on the ground, go home and vote family first again because it's easier. It's easier to litter than to learn. Why are they called family first 'cause they choose who to fuck, they choose their family first, no? You guys don't like a good Tasmanian Christmas, fuck off. I did that joke in launces and they bloody loved it. They were banging their heads together. It was awesome, it was awesome. But no, I f

ind it weird, I think the reason people don't engage with the gender stuff as much as they should is 'cause they're afraid of being wrong. I think everyone's so afraid of being wrong at the moment. There's nothing wrong with being wrong. There's just something wrong with staying wrong, right? You ever meet those people who are like, yeah, I totally understand non-binary people mate, compost, got it, you're like, whoa. Not the message of that joke. But I mean women would be recycling 'cause they

create new things, it's not important, anyway. But they're like, yeah, I understand the non-binary stuff. I'm just not gonna use the preferred pronouns, and I'm like, that's a bit of a weird move for you Daza, because you've got a preferred proper noun, mate. The only time you're Darren is when you're awaiting trial. And he is like, yeah, but I just can't do it because that person wants to be called they/them and I'm like fucking spot on. And they're like, yeah, but there's only one person. I ca

n't identify one person as two people, mate. Like it's just no good for the English language. And I'm like, Daza, I'm so sorry, I didn't realize yous were linguists. I think the reason we're afraid of being wrong is 'cause of technology. I think it's 'cause we've got access to like all the information all the time now. And we're in such a weird spot with technology 'cause we've never trusted it less but we've never relied on it more. Like not trusting technology is a new thing by the way. Like b

ack in the day, no one was like, I think my Abacus is listening to me gathering secrets for Galileo. But yeah, there's two groups in this room. One group thinks they know the way better than Google Maps and the other group would not know how to get home from here without Google maps. You ever meet those people? Is it they know the way better than Google Maps? They're like, yeah, yeah, that's not the way. That's not the way, and you're like, yeah, I know, it's the suggested route based on current

traffic conditions. There's another one with a similar ETA, who cares? And they're like, yeah, yeah, but it's not the way, it's not the way I've always gone. The way was handed down to me by my father and his father before him and his father before him because women hadn't been invented yet. My dad's one of those people, he thinks he knows the way, he's been divorced twice, coincidence, no. And of course, men always get divorced a second time 'cause after the first divorce, they're like, probab

ly wasn't me. Let's run this back with a control group. Look, I'm the same, I don't like to think that technology's figured me out. I think that's it. You ever open up Google Maps and it tells you when you're gonna get to the destination? You're like, no, that's not what I'm gonna get there. I'm gonna get there 10 minutes before that or else I'm late. And then you get there exactly when it says and you're like fuck. But we don't want the algorithms to know that it's figured us out. Like there ar

e dudes in this room who are getting hair loss commercials on their phone and they think they're not losing their hair. It knows. Your phone knows, you know how I know that? Because it's got a thousand photos of your fucking head in chronological order, just watching this guy get bigger and bigger and bigger. And I get it, I'm the same. I don't like to think technology's figured me out. I'm on TikTok, which is embarrassing to admit 'cause I'm in my thirties. But you gotta corner that Chinese com

edy market somehow. You gotta get in there. And this is what TikTok shows me, right? This is what I see on my TikTok feed. All I see, and by the way, what's important to know all I follow, standup comedy, fitness gurus, shut up and sports highlights. That is all I follow on TikTok. This is what TikTok shows me. Very attractive women dancing. How does it know? Because I'm not upset. How does it know, I've never clicked like, I've never commented, I've never followed, I've lingered. But that's it,

all I see, video after video, very attractive women, even I'll try to throw it off the scent actively. I'll go around, the other week I just went on, typed in book club, just looked at video after video, liking, commenting, seems like a great read. Went back the next day, now it was just the same chick. But with war on this tit and peace on this one. I was like, how do they know? How have they figured us out, I'm just a heterosexual man. Who would think we like tits. And look, sometimes I'll gi

ve in, I'll jerk off to these videos in 62nd increments and when I finish jerking off, I'll swipe up and it's an ad for Uber Eats and I'm like fucking TikTok's spot on again. With all this jerking off, I've had no time to cook. And look, I don't wanna seem like some cynical guy about like Australia and technology. Like the reason I've started thinking about this stuff is 'cause I'm trying to have a kid. I genuinely never thought about the world really until I started trying to have a kid 'cause

that's where the kid goes. Everyone's like, do you wanna a boy or a girl? It's like, I don't give a fuck about that if the world's like this, right? Like I just don't think you think about your current situation till you're introducing something new to it. Like think about the boys, right? Jad, you got the boys, they're the same boys you've known since you were 13, you stopped individually evaluating them when you were 16 and you don't think about it. Then you introduce your partner to the boys

and she's got some fucking follow up questions. I remember the first time, I introduced my wife to the boys. She was like, what is the deal with Steve? And I was like, oh, I guess he's kind of a criminal. Like I don't know, like I dunno a hundred percent. She's like, wait, like a sex pes, and I'm like, oh no, no, no, no, no, that's Jim. Jim's a sex pes. Steve will steal your stuff, not your innocence. It's very different. And she is like, and what's Shit Tim's story? And I was like, what? She's

like, why is he called Shit Tim? And I'm like, ah, I don't know. I think we had two Tims. That's the best explanation I've got, right? I have a guy in my life called Shit Tim, and people are like, why, I'm like, I don't know. Like I don't wanna sound too negative about Australia, I said we're racist and we are, but we're less racist than we were, still racist but less, like think about it. In Australia people just used to get bashed for being Asian. Now we criticize their driving from inside Jap

anese made cars. That's progress. It's not a solution but it is progress. And when it comes to race, I think you should not seek a final solution. I think incremental steps are the key. If you rush, mistakes get made. That's like, I think about racism in Australia, like Rove McManus on television. There was more, now there's less. Probably still too much, right? And I don't know, that's a real thing that I've found growing up in Sydney. I dunno if you guys have the same experience, like there's

a lot of hatred towards Asian people in this country. Like one sentence I heard a lot was wow, there are a lot of Asian people here. And it wasn't said with the tone of a nice surprise and I just never understood. It's like people being like, wow, there are a lot of Asian people here. I'm like yeah, for a country in Asia, not that many, probably not enough if anything 'cause occasionally a white guy will bring me sushi. We're gonna need one more Asian, actually, what if that guy gets sick, two m

ore Asians, please, right. I just don't get it, like Australia has this weird thing where we think we're in Europe. You ask any Australian where are you, fucking just next door to Poland mate, but not a big deal. Just like Asia, yeah, that's fucking heaps far away. Just popping over to Prague for a sec, it's weird. We've got country dysmorphia. I don't know if you guys have seen a globe. We're fucking heaps far away from Europe, very close to Asia. Yet for some reason, we compete in the Eurovisi

on song contest every year. What are we doing there? It is like after Bulgaria, here's Australia. What, that's a 22 hour flight. The fuck are we doing there? We're in Asia but we don't like to admit it. I find it weird. Like there was always a lot of hatred towards Asians. I always heard that growing up and I just never understood. It's just like why would you hate Asians, like the other races, sure, but Asians, what did they ever do to anybody? And that was just was my experience growing up and

I just kind of decided, I was like, I'm not gonna echo that, I'm just not gonna criticize them and I think it's a good instinct. I think a lot of people in this room from my generation probably have the same instinct. But I do think it makes it easier for China to get away with that genocide I mentioned earlier. Remember that genocide, the current one, that I mentioned 40 minutes ago and you guys are like, fuck, I hope he doesn't mention that again, right? Because we don't do anything about the

genocide in China 'cause we're like, it's all the way in Asia, it's so far away. We gotta help out with this European war around the corner. Ukraine, weapons are coming, they're stopping over in Singapore right now, but they'll be there soon. There's no direct flight just yet. I did this show and I mentioned the genocide in China and I got a review saying that I really lost the crowd during the Uyghur genocide material. Which was not inaccurate, let's be honest, it was not inaccurate. But the g

uy spelled Uyghur, W-E-G-A, that's a certain level of ignorance. W-E-G-A, what are they part of a cheese dynasty. What are we doing? Yeah, they're Muslim. Are they Sunni or strong and bity, what is going on? We can't even spell the name. Call me crazy, I don't think at 1943 any journalists were calling each other being like, is Jewish with a J or a G? I just want to get this right for print and it's awkward, I get it. We don't want to criticize other countries anymore. But we hear about concentr

ation camps in China and we're like, well, they are a studious people. Let's not jump to conclusions. And there's slavery happening in the world as well in the Middle East. There's slavery, we all know about it. But instead of engaging with it, we're just like, man, six star hotel, so cheap. How'd they do that? How did they add a star but make it cheaper. Man, the Australian dollar's fucking great, you know I love that. You don't think about it 'cause you're used to it. Like here's the thing, I'

ve never thought about myself as a political person, but I'm gonna come out and say it. I think genocide and slavery are bad. Sorry, it's so funny to me that audiences are like, should we clap that? I think I need more information. That's the thing. There's genocide and slavery happening and we say nothing. At the very least, shouldn't we criticize them for cultural appropriation? Because I don't know if you guys remember, that's kind of our thing. Genocide and slavery might not have invented it

but we made it our own. You guys are killing Muslims, man, we love killing Muslims. We did that in the Crusades and earlier this year. I get it, I get the reluctance to not tell other cultures how to live anymore 'cause we're not always or often right. But I think at one point, we've gotta be like, hey, China, the Middle East, we've all been there and no one is arguing with the short term benefits. But this is gonna cost you in the long run 'cause in 200 years the slaves are gonna get free and

they're gonna make movies about you and you are not gonna come off well and I know you're thinking, wait, how are these slaves gonna finance these films? Well, it turns out there's this other group that people tried the genocide and they have some connections to the film industry, yeah. Is now a good time to mention I'll be selling merch. I hear guilt's a powerful tool. No, I do have one item of merch. It's a face mask with my face on it. I ordered these when I thought Covid was gonna be, kind o

f, more of a thing earlier this year and I told the graphic designer one thing. I was like, I just want this to look exactly like my face. And he was like, not a problem mate. And then he sent me 250 of these. 250 of these. This is what my face looks like apparently. So when my niece was like, what's wrong with your head? Fucking heaps, fucking heaps is wrong with my head. I'm mostly mustache. Now you can get those after the show for 15 bucks. They're very cheap 'cause I got them made in a Chine

se factory. Let's not pretend. Let's not pretend morality isn't tricky. But no, I do really appreciate you guys coming out. I'll get outta here real soon. But I wanted to thank everybody but I just can't 'cause it's fucking two dudes wearing shorts in the front row. It's no good brother. Why can I see your knees right now? This is the arts. Why am I looking at your quad? It's pretty thick, maybe he cycles, I don't know. Could be good. That's the thing, it's just a weird thing of mine. Like I was

in Europe for two years, never saw another man's knee doing comedy. But in Australia, every second show, fucking here it is. Below the knees is shin. Other side of that's a calf usually covered in a tattoo from a culture that dude doesn't belong to. It's like, oh, that's a koi fish, do you like Asia? Nah, cunt, love the pokies, can't get enough. My first son's called the feature and I'm like, but you just told me you hit the feature last night, yeah. I was away for two years. In that time somet

hing happened. Either tattoos got cheaper or bogans got richer, and personally, I hope it's that tattoos got cheaper. I don't want bogans to have any more money. I don't, I don't like 'em. I don't like bogans as a group, I don't. And I know when I mention this, everyone always gets tense 'cause they're like, what if they're here? They're known to be quite aggressive. Is that why he wears the tracksuit, or just fucking let... Like just get out the back door. They're not here, it's a safe space. B

ogans don't pay money to listen to another person talk. It's not their thing. They didn't do it in school, they're not gonna start now, right? Yeah, they go to church but they pay at the end. Different system. So I just wanna point out, if you are here and you're thinking, shit, I think I'm a bogan, just remember you are thinking, that's it, you're done, you're fine, you're fine, you're safe. Everything's all right. I just don't like them, I don't like, they kind of dominate Australia's national

identity. We're a complex country, we're full of white people. We belong to black people, we're in the middle of Asia and instead of dealing with that, bogans are just like, what if I cut my hair short here, and kind of leave it long here, and I'm like, how's that gonna help? And they're like vroom, just fucking straight outta there. I just don't like 'em, I just don't. I don't like that they represent us overseas but we deserve it 'cause we literally fucking elect them. Scott Morrison was our

prime minister for a bit. That guy was the king bogan, right? You guys don't think Scott Morrison's a bogan. He wear a surf cap and he shit himself in McDonald's. That's bogan behavior. That's two from two, right? Cam Smith won the British Master's golf with a fucking mullet. Dude, you play golf, get a proper haircut, right? Daniel Ricardo used to celebrate winning a Formula 1 race by drinking champagne from his shoe. You earn 22 million pounds a year, cunt, you can afford a glass, right? What a

re you doing, who are you pretending to be? I know it's a bit rich of me to say that, dressed like the guy on the train, like I get it. I get it, I just don't like them. I don't like that we treat them like this marginalized group in Australia, why, bogans are winning. Bogans are on top in this country. Bogans win every FM radio competition, they're undefeated. Every time the secret sound goes off, it's a bogan 'cause the secret sound's never been someone doing the Sudoku, has it? We have to buy

meat, bogans win it by the train, right? Bogans win the state of origin every year, they are undefeated. Whether New South Wales or Queensland win, Bogans are like, we won, right? I just don't like it, I just don't like they're on top. I don't like they take over everything they touch. Look what bogans did to Christianity. Bogans went to a Catholic church, looked at the stained glass windows and we're like, ah, I don't know about this, seems a bit woogy, and the hymns, they're in Latin, that so

unds foreign. Don't trust it. Why don't we move church to a stadium and we'll just go in there every Sunday and sing team songs to the Lord. That's all Hillsong is, that's just bogan church. They're just in there every Sunday being like chi chi the Jesus the Christ. ♪ Honor the boat at low and high tide ♪ ♪ Lift that noble 4x high ♪ ♪ Shake down the Moses from the sky. ♪ ♪ Weather the odds be long or short ♪ ♪ Chuck on the multi you'll win overall ♪ ♪ While our loyal sons go marching down the T-

A-B, whoa ♪ Guys, you're clapping, that's a fucking hymn to them. That's a hymn, at the end of that song, they're like in the name of the Father, son, the Holy Spirit, the original multi, right? And that's the thing, like, we worry about bogans. Why, they hate us. Bogans hate me, they hate you too. You know how I know that? No one in this room has ever had anything positive yelled at them from a speeding car window. No car's ever sped past me being like, fund the odds. It's never happened. You t

hink bogans give a about climate change, of course not. Oh, the ice caps are gonna melt, sea levels are gonna rise, sick. That's just more room for me to jet ski and less room for people to immigrate to this country. Listen, I get in trouble for doing this joke 'cause people think I'm making fun of poor people. I'm not, being bogan has nothing to do with any of that. You can be rich, you can be poor, you can be black, white, Asian, whatever. Being bogan is a choice. Being bogan is believing deep

in your heart that knowledge is gay. And that might sound silly, but it fucking explains it, doesn't it? And that's why they can never pick up a book 'cause they're like, what if I pick up a man next? You know you can't. How am I gonna tell my dad? And yeah, it's been 18 months trying to have a kid and people ask me if I want a boy or a girl and like, I said I wanted a white kid. Obviously I was kidding. It'd be great if we conceived naturally, but if we gotta adopt, that's fine. I'll adopt a C

hinese kid, I don't give a fuck 'cause guess what? Not every Chinese person is responsible for the actions of the People's Republic of China. And I said I wanted girls, I'll cop a boy if I have to. If I have a non-binary kid, I'll learn about the bins. I'll figure it out. It'd be very handy to know. There's only one fucking kid I can't have, can't have a bogan, dude, I can't. I just can't, I can't be responsible for raising that. I think I'd give it to the age of 12. No, that's when you know if

you've got an Alex or a Xander. Comes home from school with his fucking starter mullet, ripped curl pencil case turned inside out, started spelling Xander with just so many fucking X's. He walks in the kitchen, he is like, reading's fucked. And I'm like, oh, good. He's like, what's going on dad? And I'm like, don't call me that. And I'll be like, look son, I just don't think it's gonna work out with you and this family. Why don't you come with me down to the river for a sec? And I take him down

to the river and he's like, what are we doing here? And I'm like, look son, I just don't think it's gonna work out for you in this family, but I want you to be happy. So I've gotten you a gift. It's a tiny little jet ski. Go out on the river son, don't stop going until you hit the open ocean, then you're gonna keep going until you hit Bali. That's where you'll find your people. You're gonna love Bali, son. Nobody reads, you don't need to wear pants. And you can look around and say accurately, wo

w, there are a lot of Asian people here. I've been thinking about this a lot over the last year and a half. And I realized, I never asked my wife what she answers when people ask her if she wants a boy or a girl or anything about the kids. And I went up and I was like, what do you say? And she's like, oh, I just say none of that matters, I just want 'em to be happy. It's a better answer. And it was just weird 'cause like it is a better answer but I just never thought to say it 'cause like, I can

be involved in making a white kid, like I can hope for a gender, I can hope they're not bogan but happy. That kind of seems outta my control. I don't think I can teach something how to be happy. I dunno if you guys have been hanging out with me for the last hour, happy's not really my thing, we were having a sick time talking about jizz, and then it took a fucking turn, didn't it? I think that's why I hate bogans so much 'cause they're just so visibly fucking happy. They're having a sick time,

bogans are loving it. They don't give a shit. Have you ever seen a bogan spend $20 on meat raffle tickets to win 12 bucks worth of shit meat and they walk outta the club being like, winner. They're so happy, they don't need anything to be happy. They're just happy, and it really fuck with me. So I messaged the boys, got in the group chat and only Shit Tim got back to me. He's often available, and then we went down to the pub and he was like, so Marcus, what's up? And I'm like, well, Mary's still

not pregnant, and he is like, yeah man, I keep telling you, you gotta stop putting it in her arse. And I was like, Tim, this isn't a Google Maps issue, champion. But I did just remember why we call you Shit Tim. But he is like, what's up? And I'm like, well, you know how I've been telling everybody that I would like a white girl for a child. And he is like, yeah, I thought that was a bit weird. And I was like, yeah. Well, Mary just wants a happy kid. And he is like, that seems like a better ans

wer. And I was like, yeah, but I never even thought to say it because I just don't understand how any kid could have Mary as a mother and be unhappy. I mean I've got her as a wife and I'm getting there and he was silent for a sec and he was just kind of like, and I'm like, Shit Tim, what are you doing? And he is like, so that's beautiful mate. And I'm like, Shit Tim, are you crying at the pub? And he is like, yeah, don't tell your wife. That's it, thank you so much. Thanks for having me, Sydney.

Thanks for waiting with me. I appreciate it. I'll see you soon.