For the person with borderline personality
disorder, or BPD for short, it can feel like there are two separate entities living
inside of them. One who is a light angel, full of love, empathy, and a deep
ability to connect with others and the other side is a dark wolf that can be
very destructive. The change between these two forces can be swift and unpredictable going from
intense pleasures, incredible emotional highs, perfect compatibility, to a messy, tormented, and
fatally flawed relati
onship and this can happen almost overnight. I'm Lise Leblanc and in today's
video, I'm going to give you five things you need to know if you have a partner with borderline
personality disorder. At the end of this video, I will explain why BPD is sometimes mistaken for
narcissistic or anti-social personality disorder. I will focus on romantic relationships with a
female with BPD but this information applies to males as well the reason I focus more on men
is because in my 25-year career as a
therapist and life coach I have found that there is
a significant lack of support and resources available to men [Music] before I start this is
part two of a video I posted a few weeks ago so to watch part one just click on the link above okay
so number one is the idealization and devaluation a person with BPD quickly and frequently
switches emotional states from extremely positive to extremely negative often in response
to things that would be considered Minor by most the borderline does
not always know why their mood
changed so drastically or disproportionately but suddenly they can't see any positive in you and
they don't remember that yesterday they wanted to marry you they don't recall how safe you made them
feel or don't remember the accumulation of good deeds you've done up until now in the moment they
hate you can't stand the sight of you and they see you as the source of all of their problems no
matter how often they switch from extremes of idealization to devaluati
on and back again they
don't realize that in a few hours or a few days they will feel completely different again this
alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation is often referred to as splitting
and it can result in the projection of intensely positive and negative emotions which they
associate to you in other words when they feel good they associate and project this positive
state onto you believing that you are responsible for this positive shift in their emotions and th
e
same thing happens when they feel bad they see you as the source of their pain or at least as failing
to provide the stability support and relief that they are seeking splitting also happens when
the borderline creates an ideal image of you in their mind and then relates to you through
this fantasy ideal image of you rather than the actual you which happens to be multifaceted and
imperfect and what happens when fantasy doesn't match reality is that the person with BPD gets
extremely disa
ppointed and disillusioned with you you are not meeting their unrealistic expectations
and because they view the world in black and white in absolutes if you're not perfect then you
are the worst thing ever they can't hold two conflicting ideas about someone in their mind
so when you do something bad you no longer fit with the ideal image they had of you and so you
go straight from the top of the pedestal to the bottom of the barrel you go from being her knight
in shining armor to the Devil
Himself and not because you cheated on her or did some great harm
it's usually in response to something relatively minor and in fact it may have nothing to do with
you at all when she withdraws from you after a period of idealization and starts devaluing you
you may feel desperate to fix things to make her happy again to get her love and attention back
so maybe you apologize promise to never do that thing again or maybe you bend over backwards
to try to meet her expectations and be better
and eventually her mood does switch back to
positive and you are back on top and she's back to projecting her love trust and radiance
onto you making you feel so very special so very important and valued and you may start to believe
that if you just try hard enough you will be able to keep only the light side of her but if you
are seeking only her positive side or that ideal version of her you fell in love with you too
will be disappointed and disillusioned so when she's in that intoxicatin
g happy mood idealizing
you making you feel so good just remember that although she's projecting a positive seat onto
you and it feels absolutely amazing these highs do come with lows and once you're addicted to
the highs you will be chemically motivated to work very very hard to keep the highs and avoid
the lows but you need to learn that the extremes of idealization and devaluation have little to
do with you and everything to do with BPD that said with treatment the person with BPD can le
arn
to recognize that you are not the source of their shifting psychological States and they can learn
to better tolerate their own emotional distress and refrain gain from projecting those intense
emotions onto you and acting out in harmful ways number two is the crushing fears um that the
person with borderline personality disorder experiences and these fears include fear of
rejection and abandonment he pushes people away before they have a chance to leave him
it's a defense mechanism al
l right but also are accompanied with a huge fear of engulfment where
they sense that they are getting swallowed up by the relationship and need to escape immediately
they can go from being clingy needy and devaluing themselves saying things like I don't know why
you're with me you're going to leave me when you find out what I'm really like and then to pushing
you away saying that she's not sure you're the one and even though yesterday you were soul mates
now she's not sure about you anymor
e and this push-pull creates major confusion even for people
with secure attachment styles but for people with insecure attachment style this is a very
unbearable Dynamic that ends up draining the life out of you and out of the relationship it drains
the trust the security and everything that the person with BPD really needs so the very thing the
person with BPD is seeking most it's ripped away as this Dark Wolf this dark entity attacks them
repeatedly often giving them very little reprieve
in between this is another cause for splitting
Behavior when they feel abandoned or rejected they get all consumed with you and they're trying
to please you and they're idealizing you trying to get your love and acceptance when they feel that
fear of engulfment they start to find that you're clingy and annoying so if she pulls away from you
you may need to accept the end of the relationship and if you do she may become Comics obsessed with
trying to get you back promising that things will
be different if you refuse you may find that she
cannot accept this and if by some chance you get fed up with all the back and forth drama and
you and the relationship you may find that this is not going to be your normal breakup now it is
possible that she may walk away and find someone else immediately but it's also possible that
her crushing fear of rejection and abandonment will not allow her to let you go easily she may
call you 500 times a day spam you with texts and emails Hound you
on social media show up to your
favorite Hangouts try to get through to you by contacting your friends and family offer you
favors or irresistible promises you may find yourself having to block her this might make you
feel cruel as you refuse to engage and get sucked back in and she will truly wonder how you can do
this to her help you can be so cruel and inhumane and without treatment she will not be able to
see how her symptoms are causing this toxic cycle number three is suicide and self
-harm the
borderline experience is so much psychological distress that they are constantly grappling
with their own mind overtaken by obsessive thoughts as well as intense emotions unable to
regulate themselves as their own mind closes in on them there's no Escape because the problem
is stemming from inside of them and they can get so twisted up in their own mind that suicide can
seem like the only option and like a moth drawn to the light their mind sees this as the ultimate
relief for th
emselves and everyone around them because the borderline symptoms are not constant
and at times they cannot completely normal when they do act out in self-harming or suicidal
ways it can seem like it's all an effort to manipulate however their self-destructive
behavior is typically a primal cry for help it's a sense of hopelessness that runs
deep down to the core of their being they just want to disappear eliminate the black
wolf that they can't stand living with that they know on some leve
l is hurting those they love
but I know what it's like to want to die hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the same
on the inside number four is instability for the person with BPD their symptoms don't make any
more sense to them than they do to you they don't know why they are misperceiving reality or
why they are getting hit with emotional tsunamis you know some days I wake up and I just feel so
flat out that I'll do anything to feel different we'll see when we're together you're f
ine you're
fun you're faking it well everybody does that not like me they don't know why their core self is
shaky and fragmented or why their behavior is so impulsive or even abusive they may be locking
in self-awareness and without treatment they may also be lacking the skills as well as any
sense of accountability for their extreme and sometimes very damaging Behavior for
the self-aware borderline especially when they are in treatment and working very hard
to overcome their challenges an
y setbacks or slip UPS will cause extreme feelings of Shame
and remorse in this case they will typically apologize profusely and wholeheartedly
and like an innocent child panicking desperately wanting to fix and repair the harm
they've caused as well as your image of them [Music] so if you are with someone with BPD who is in
treatment you will need to expect and plan for stressful times setbacks and realize that progress
will not be a straight line up number five is anger and rage all of th
e borderline's emotions
are dialed up way too high and anger is one of the emotions that can be very very difficult to handle
the borderline's anger can turn quickly into full-blown fits of Rage that include nasty verbal
attacks sometimes even physical aggression and if you match these emotions the person with BPD
can turn into a raging pit bull frothing at the mouth and ready to rip your face off when they are
having an episode like this you need to recognize it for what it is you need to
identify that she is
completely disregulated and taken over she is not in control and she is perceiving you as a threat
to her survival and will stop at nothing so her attacks can get extremely vicious especially if
you try to fight back so the best thing to do is respectfully remove yourself from the situation as
quickly and safely as possible now I'm not saying that all those with BPD have such intense rage
episodes there are those who have milder forms of borderline personality disorder
where symptoms are
less extreme there are those with quiet borderline who turn their anger and rage Inward and there
are those who are receiving treatment and have learned to manage their symptoms better okay
so the reason that people with BPD are often use with those with narcissistic or anti-social
personality disorder is because one there is an overlap so there can be co-occurring disorders
but more often the reason that they're confused is that the borderline's behavior can be very
imp
ulsive damaging and even abusive and when this happens repeatedly with or without apologies it
can start to appear intentional and even malicious if you like this video please comment subscribe
and if you're recovering from a toxic relationship please check out my toxic relationship recovery
program Linked In the description section below to learn more about the differences between
BPD and NPD click on the link above [Music]
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