Do You REALLY Know What You Want in a Partner?

if you were giving your friend advice  on their love life chances are you're giving pretty good love advice but chances  are you're not following it yourself and I think true wisdom is like knowing what sets you  up for long-term success and actually following it Gary do people really know what they want  in a partner that's the question we're going to be discussing today and right before I just  pressed play in this podcast we just discussed how we really don't want to sound like jerks on  this

podcast so we got to soften it up a little bit make it you know make it palatable for people  because you know at the end of the day when we're talking about these things it's It's Tricky when  you're single and dating and you have one vision of what you think you might want but from our  perspective as coaches sometimes we need to reframe those beliefs and reframe those ideas to  guide people to success I don't know am I am I explain that correctly yeah no I I think it comes  down to something

we talk about a lot which is you know we have this perspective of tough love that  you know like sometimes you have to just confront reality in a way that's not always comfortable  um but it's done with a lot of love and it's it's coming from a place of like nurturing and  growth and and being kind of pushed outside of your comfort zone it's like exactly why you hire  a personal trainer right it's you don't hire a personal trainer to be like you're perfect you're  just so great you're you're ju

st wonderful the way you are like let's love are so sexy oh yeah so  you know we don't want to be like you don't know exactly what you're talking about or anything but  it's like you know there's just some things that people often think they know about approaching  dating that they actually don't know and through this podcast you're going to learn a little bit  about that and it's going to help you recalibrate and uh be a little bit more clear about how to  get what you want yeah and I think we

just have such a unique perspective on this because we  have a lot of personal experience working with so many clients and I would say one of the most  transformational things that we do when we work with clients is helping them go from thinking they  want one thing when they join to then reframing and rethinking about what leads them to long-term  success and kind of redirecting them honestly it's like you kind of sell them on the dream which we  want them to have that Ultimate Dream but the wa

y to get there kind of changes once they're in it  sounds crazy to admit that but that is really what we do and at the end of the process they are  like thank God I'm I'm I'm I followed this because previously I was just going for all the wrong  stuff I thought I wanted something different and many times it's just kind of like redirecting  them from people from looking for shortterm satisfaction to long-term results and kind of  like rethinking ultimately what it is that they they want so I'm ex

cited about this yeah because  when you ask Mo most women you know what do you want in a partner like everybody when you ask ask  them what they want about anything they want like this dream like what do you want out of life I  want to be rich like who doesn't want to be rich right yeah you know what do you want what do you  want in a partner I want somebody that makes six figures is six foot tall right has six pack abs  and is super emotional like and it's like all this of course of course that

's what everybody wants  but you know you know that you're not going to find or you're not finding those things and you're  not really looking for the right things if you're constantly feeling like dating and relationships  are confusing like you have relationships that start out great then fizzle out if you're having  a hard time picking the right Partners if you just finding like guys aren't out there or if you just  kind of think men are hard to figure out like all of those are signs that you

're not quite properly  calibrated with knowing what you're looking for and knowing what you really want in a partner  yeah exactly and so that's really what we'll be getting into today is diving into just kind of  like refocusing our energy to the right places so walk us through it Gary yeah and so you know  I want to start this out by kind of saying it's not just you as a listener that doesn't know  what you want this is true of most people and the research shows that this is exactly the case 

and so research shows that daters think they know what they want but don't actually know and so  what they had people do was kind of come into a study list out all the things that they want in  aart partner and then gave them a chance to go out and meet someone that had a lot of those qualities  or not what what they what they found was as much as people were like yes I want a kind respectful  person or you know whatever qu they didn't do any of they didn't follow that really what they  ended u

p kind of retreating to is just basic evolutionary like was this person hot did were  they compatible in like a charismatic kind of way was there like that feeling of chemistry and so  even though like when you ask people objectively what is it that you want and they're like really  reasonable about it like I want these qual then you'll let them loose in the wild and they just  kind of fall back into bad habits we're all a bunch of animals man we just go right back to like  oh my God he smells s

o good and he just like when he hugs me he just completely like engulfs me and  ah that is so sexy but there's this really nice guy who I have a lot in common with over there man  oh man this guy right he makes me feel something else yeah and it's like you know so you have all  these people and I mean this was one study that and there's lots of other studies That Kind Show  the similar things that we're just not very good at knowing what we want and so what's going on  like what's what's where's

this mismatch coming from and I think there's kind of two main issues  the first is a focus problem and that's where you know it it could be that people are just clueless  they have no clue at all of what they're looking for and I I don't think that's it right I think  people do have some basic idea of what they're looking for I think it's much more likely that  they're kind of fuzzy about it like they have vague Notions it's like a fuzzy Target of like  this guy they're looking for sort of exi

sts but they're not really sure like they're not they  don't have strong convictions about what they're looking for right and that just makes it harder  yeah yeah I mean if you don't have a bullseye you're going to miss it every single time and so a  lot of times this happens because people just have a lack of experience they haven't really spent the  time to just reflect on what's worked for them and what hasn't and be real with themselves and that  sense of that like level of introspection is

is so important and sometimes requires time it might  take a walk down by the ocean skip some rocks if you can do that into an ocean maybe a pond that  might be a little bit easier and just really think about not just what you like when you first  meet someone on a first date but what do you want when you've been married to someone for 10 years  what qualities and attributes are most important to you and uh it it's so tricky because sometimes  those are like those are opposite things like that s

ometimes the things we are attracted to are the  very things that are bad for us long term like a guy who is hot and cold can sometimes be really  attractive but do you want a partner who's hot and cold no obviously not right whereas a guy who  is very emotionally available who gives you his all who tells you how he feels like do you want  that in a husband hell yeah but like is that hot on a first date no so it's like really coming to  terms with that and understanding like what how can you act

ually make this work for you in your  dating life so you can be set up for a long term yeah I always like thinking about this in terms of  like the best strategy I think for this is kind of picture yourself when you're 95 or 100 years old  and you're sitting out on your porch and you're kind of reflecting back on your life and you know  we always think about people in that stage like they have a lot of wisdom and they have like these  points of interest to to tell people about who are younger an

d like what would yourself tell you  like what would your 95 100y old self tell you right now what advice would you give yourself as  a 40y old 50y old 60y old about who you should be dating and because you know we say it's it's  a lack of experience it's lack of introspection it's it's lack of reflection and clear plan it's  like but if you kind of put yourself in that wise older experienced person's mindset it's like free  mentorship you get to Mentor yourself and I think that shift in perspec

tive can be really really  helpful for people I heard this quote the other day oh I wish I remember who it came from but it  kind of hit me like a a ton of bricks and that is wisdom is just simply following your own advice  like most people know like if you asked yourself like if you were giving your friend advice on  their love life chances are you're giving pretty good love advice but chances are you're not  following it yourself and I think true wisdom is like knowing what sets you up for lon

g-term  success and actually following it and like I think the same thing goes in all areas of our life  like if we're overweight like when I'm o when I'm gaining some weight I know what to do like it's  like exercise and eat less junk food right and eat cleaner Foods pretty simple stuff right but  wisdom is actually listening to that advice and acting on it and having the discipline to make it  happen and so I think that that's a lot of where we're going to be kind of diving into today yeah  an

d I I I I love this a little bit of a tangent but I love that you kind of differentiate between  wisdom and knowledge because there's like how many people I I'll speak for my like there's tons of  people that I know that study relationships like it's their research it's what they do it's what  they talk about and a lots of them are divorced yeah right and it's like that's a different like  knowing what to do and actually pulling it off and how to do it and implement it is a big deal and I  think

that's the second part where people go wrong is that it may you may know what you want or not  let's let's assume you do know what you know but then the second part is actually like following  through and putting it into action it's like if I know the kind of guy I'm looking for can I  actually know it when I see it and follow through on that impulse to make sure I land that guy along  the way right it's like we had a client who in one of our Mastermind sessions was was talking about  how the t

hing she really wants more than anything in a guy she was crystal clear about what she  wanted she's like I want someone who's smart but not like book smart necessarily but I want someone  who can carry an intellectual conversation I want someone who's intellectually stimulating it's like  perfect perfect that's exactly the kind of quality like we encourage people to like really focus in  on and then she said and I know how I'm going to find them I'm like great awesome let's perfect  this is won

derful I'm only gon to date guys with Advanced degrees I'm like terribly oh God terrible  terrible idea terrible idea this is coming from a professor by the way everybody a PhD Professor I  have advanced degrees like this is not the best criteria for thoughtful insightful conversation  like if you want to get into like small specific like sometimes inan conversations about details  that no one really cares about like okay maybe but in any case what I'm saying is you can have  the right target bu

t how you're going to get there like she might get there but only focusing  on people that have advanced degrees she might but that's actually like she's going with the  wrong criteria it's like talk to guys see if they can carry on these types of conversations you  want focus on that not well if you don't have a master's or a PhD I just can't waste my time like  it it's it's an implementation problem sometimes too it's a strategy problem right and like you  know her goal is right on she knows w

here she wants to go but the way to get there is just off  and I'm sure when you were talking to her you're redirecting her attention you know on where it  is she should be focusing her energy and like you just said rather like I personally I have I  used to lecture at universities that's all I did I spoke at like 300 colleges academics are some of  the dumbest people I've ever met I mean the best like when it comes to even just common sense and  I'm talking to an academic I realize that right n

ow but like they're very good at very specific  problems like you were discussing but Common Sense wise I've met some of the smartest people in  the world who have very blue collar jobs who are like intellectually Incredible or so stimulated  they're just maybe not like super ambitious don't want to start a business whatever I mean it's  it's pretty wild so I think your point exactly is like rather than focusing it on just like one  very specific area just talk to lots of guys and see what actua

lly stimulates your your uh your  intellect and so I love that and sorry to to just totally bash on academics but I'm pretty  sure you feel the same way maybe you wouldn't say dumbest maybe I'm being strong because all  your like really Gary really I would just say no lies detected I that all sounded pretty okay  I don't know if how fully Endor dumb but not you know can't wait till your next like uh your your  meetings that you guys have in your department and they're like so Gary I heard on the

podcast  talking about us I don't know why they're getting all like New Jersey so Gary I don't even know your  college is in New Jersey right so it it is and to just make sure I don't get myself in any more  trouble I'm just going to end this part there and we're going to segue on to the next thing  sorry hey man I just want to like bash I want to hit this bees nest a little bit because I don't  have to get stung just you so so you know people are going to struggle with this from lack of focus 

and lack of implementation some of it is just kind of having an outside perspective I mean that helps  for sure but so one of the things that we've done and and really you to your credit have created is  a two-part strategy to really help people figure out what they really want and so the first step  in that is to have a plan it's it's something you call a love Vision do you want to tell us a  a little bit about what that is I know we don't have time for the full thing but just a little bit  ma

ybe yeah I mean briefly love Vision it's not a checklist of every single thing that you'd ever  want in a guy in fact it's quite the opposite in many ways it's really focusing your attention to  the absolute needs the mus haves the deal breakers in a relation in a man uh in a relationship and  once you create go through this process we have a number of different exercises we go through  with our clients but once you have this love Vision it actually broadens Your Horizon of who  you're willing a

nd able to date because once you have very specific needs that are reasonable and  we help you determine what's reasonable what's not once you have that then anyone who meets  that potential love Vision you got to go out with and so like a lot of clients I'll know when  they haven't been following our homework and our exercises when they're like oh I've I've created  my checklist I've created my love vision and no one's meeting my love vision and I'm like I'm  guessing you're Miss missing the po

int on this because a love vision is designed to really expand  your your uh what it is that you're going after yeah I mean what I like about it is it's really  all about keeping the most important thing the most important thing right it's it's priorities  and knowing your priorities because you can have anything you just can't have everything right and  it's like it's about figuring out what the most important things are right I'm sure like everybody  listening to this has seen like this like v

isual metaphor where it's like you have a mason jar and  you have a bunch of rocks and then smaller Pebbles and you have sand and you know it's like how do  you fill this up like what do you do and it's like the answer is you have to put the big things in  first and then you can fit the ler things around them but it's like you have to figure out when it  comes to your relationships like what are the big things what are the non-negotiables and that's  where you know a few moments ago I was saying

you know this client was saying I want somebody  who's intellectually stimulating and I'm like yes because that's like one of the big things like  that's that's a thing you want to make sure you're getting in there first and so you're on the right  track and so that's what that's the first thing I really like about these things the second part  that I really love about the love Visions is their objective in the sense that they're not tied  to the person you're currently dating or someone you've

previously dated in the past it's like kind  of a blank slate and it's what's actually like if I can step back and really evaluate like what's  most important this is what it is um and then we encourage people to look at that before they go  out and then after they go out with somebody to kind of like recalibrate right and kind of make  adjustments along the way yeah and I think the important part about that is that a love vision  is not a tattoo on your body it's not like once you set it now t

his is your love vision for the  rest of your life our clients actually it's it's very much so a living document like once they  create their initial love Vision they'll go out a few times see what it is that's connecting with  them see what is that they're really drawn to and and it's revised and actually having in writing  and then revising it and then posting again to our community getting that feedback from our  coaches talking about it it's such a healthy exercise because it's just an ongoi

ng kind of like  ref reflective exercise while it is you're dating and that is what dating with intention means  and I should say like Gary if you saw my first love Vision my love Vision dear God it is very  different from my wife like it is so different I can't even tell you because I was you know when  I first started getting really intentional about like love and finding a partner I was probably  you know 26 so this well over a decade ago and it was so ludicrous it was like I want her to be 

in self-help I want her to be spiritual I want her to be into yoga I want her to like all of these  things that once I started going out with oh I also want her to be like hyper entrepreneurial  like all these contradic ictory things because I never I didn't have what we have I didn't have  any of this stuff and then I start going out with those people and I'm like God damn it I don't  want to date myself this is horrible and I'm not even that spiritual I don't even hang out  with spiritual peop

le like it was so ludicrous I like I did yoga twice I'm like oh I need to  be with someone who's like very into yoga you know and so I now practice yoga but it's uh you  know and then and then you start dating you start realizing what it is that you do really want what  you what you drive with and then you think back again well is this in line with what I want in  my long-term future 20 30 years down the line so kind of getting that feedback loop in the short  term and then thinking about how it

applies to your long term I think is what ultimately leads  to you to a really healthy love Vision so yeah and I think I think all of that that process that  Journey you just described is so important because I think one of the things that makes dating  hard and relationships hard is people have this mistaken notion that they're supposed to have it  all figured out by now like everyone thinks like I should I should know how to do this I should  have this all figured out by now and that's just n

ot true I mean particularly when you're 26  but it it doesn't matter if you're 86 right it's you're learning and it's a process and so  with this Vision being a living document like as you date each person you're going to learn things  you didn't know you didn't know and then you get to update your your love Vision accordingly and so  that brings us to step two which is this idea that experience is the best teacher and that you should  to really know what you want you have to date multiple peopl

e right you have to move fast early  on and go out talk to have conversations with as many people as you possibly can yeah that's that's  little what we call Little Love step number three so when we bring on clients we work with them they  follow seven powerful yet small steps to get out there and attract long-lasting love we call them  the seven little love steps and the first two little love steps are all about you and reflection  and creating Your Love Vision but then once we get to Little Lo

ve step three it is like pedal to the  metal baby let's get you out there meeting lots of guys doing it with intention to see what what you  really like and a lot of it is like you're little love step three you're meeting lots of people  then you go back to Little Love step two and look at your and revise your love vision and then  you go back out again you continuously it's like this ongoing process and you can't do that if only  going out and meeting like one or two guys every two to three mon

ths like it it just it doesn't  work this process doesn't work and so yeah it is all about like I think that is we are just so  hardcore about that like when someone's struggling usually that is like the underpinning of it  is they're just not meeting enough new people they're just not making it happen and then every  excuse Under the Sun comes up of why it is that they can't make that happen and so much of that  that's where just like coaching comes in where it's like you can do this got to mak

e it happen  we might have to like just expand our Horizons a little bit to get a little bit of momentum we  got to practice practice practice and before you know it you know you're going to get much more  clarity about what it is that you really like what is that you don't like yeah I mean so much of  dating success is about patience right it's about taking things slow except for this part this part  is about moving fast meet as many people as you possibly can because you need to play an active

  role like you haven't probably met as many people in a romantic sense as you think you have right  at this point like you just there's so many more people out there than you realize and by meeting  them you start to realize all those things you don't know um as one of our coaches Robin talks  about all the time she talks about you know you need to have a good filter and it's about sifting  for gold and so you know you're more likely going to find that gold if you're sifting with something  rea

lly large than something really small right in in nerd speake we call this the field of eligibles  right your field of eligibles you want it to be as big as possible because that increases the chances  you're going to find that one person and so this idea of experiencing being the best teacher and  dating multiple people is about increasing your field of eligibles increasing the size of your  filter however else you want to think about it but it's like this is going to help you find that  person

yeah and it's helpful something that I think a lot of women might recoil to when they're  hearing this is like if I'm meeting a lot of guys that might mean that I have to reject a lot of  guys as well or like the reality is when you're in little upep three you're going to be saying no way  more times than you're actually going to be saying yes and that can be very difficult for a lot of  people especially those who are people Pleasers those who don't like to hurt other people's  feelings but th

at is really the name of the game if you want to be set up for long-term success  I mean that's just the reality is you're going to meet a lot more guys but just statistically  that you don't like and that's okay than guys that you do like and you're have to break some  hearts along the way and that's a kind of a tough pill to swallow but the alternative is that  you're only talking to one maybe two guys and then you're giving them all of your energy these guys  might not even meet your love Vis

ion because you don't even know what your love Vision really is  and then you're stuck Fu you know so yeah that's that's kind of my thinking on that yeah I think  you know one of the problems if you focus on just one person whether you realize or not you become  highly motivated to make that one work because no one likes the idea of wasting time and so you  start seeing people get into this pattern where it's like well we've been together two months and  it's not perfect but I don't want to star

t over I don't want to waste these last two months and  so I'm going to keep going going then you know four months are in it's like well now it's four  months now it's twice as bad you know now I'm really like and you just start getting deeper and  deeper and deeper committed yeah yeah and you're you're forcing yourself to make things work that  that's not really ideal um the here one of the big objections we get with this is women will say I  can't date multiple people that just doesn't feel ri

ght doesn't feel right and so a lot of times  when find when they say it doesn't feel right what they're really saying is it it seems a little  promiscuous like it feels wrong it maybe feels a little [ __ ] and so like what is your feedback  what is your suggestion about that just because you're dating multiple guys doesn't mean you're  sleeping with multiple guys number one so very important thing number two is this is how men date  this is how most people date this is how a lot of women modern

women date so if you're not dating  this way you're really at a huge disadvantage right and yeah I mean this is how guys date  this concept came from when I used to coach men on dating and when I would tell guys that they  should be dating multiple women at the same time they were like hell yes okay and again it wasn't  sleeping with multiple women anything like that it was just like meet lots of women and see what you  like and just Pace be very open and transparent about where you're at don't

lie like all the same  value all the same values that we teach women now I used to teach men men were totally on board  with totally cool with made total sense women fight this tooth and nail and it's like but the  women who follow it are those who get just massive results they have all the power throughout the  process they are the prize because if a guy starts to get flaky or weird or you know they determine  he doesn't meet their love Vision no problem move on to the next bye whatever I got

Jeff Joe and  John to go out with next week and uh you are now a figment of my past that's it so yeah I think the  other side the other objection that I hear related to this that that's very much follows from this  is guys are not going to be okay with me seeing other guys to which I always like who cares right  like yeah you don't think guys are seeing other people like they're out like you just said like  guys are out there dating multiple people they're talking to multiple people so him being

not okay  with you doing the same behavior he's engaging in I think we call that a uh a double standard yeah  and even if he's and like even if he isn't dating other women like and I know that that's probably  what popped into everyone's head so let's just say he's not with the little love steps we have  a very stark contrast between little love step five and little love step six and when you're in  Little Love step number six you are an exclusive you are in an exclusive committed relationship 

when you're in Little Love step number five you are still single there's no gray area so it's like  if you haven't yet had the conversation with him about exclusivity then you my beautiful lady are  still single and if he has the wrong impression that you're exclusive when you haven't had the  conversation that is on him that's on him because you haven't had the conversation yet never assume  exclusivity never on either side if I was coaching men I'd be saying the same thing and so if you  just

kind of go into this Assuming he's being exclusive with you you know you've been sleeping  together you've been kind of having the girlfriend experience you know where you're giving him all  your emotional energy but you haven't had yet had the conversation you're running a massive risk so  spread the risk talk to multiple guys and then at a certain point it just becomes abundantly clear  that you both want to be with each other like it reaches that point usually anywhere from one month  to thr

ee months of dating where it's like he's the only guy you can even possibly consider yourself  with he meets Your Love Vision he wants to be in a relationship with you he's brought up exclusivity  multiple times great go be exclusive now you're on little love step six but until that point you're  single right and you know I think this idea of dating multiple people like in other contexts we  use this approach all the time it makes complete sense for any big decision right if if you're  looking f

or a new job you apply to one place at a time see that through to the end and then apply  to the next place absolutely not like you apply to multiple places at once you hopefully have  multiple interviews at once when they ask you are you interviewing other places you say yes yes  I am right because that only like of course you are like nobody wants to hire the candidate that  has no prospects anywhere else right it's like if going to buy a car you're going to do the same  thing like you're not

just going to like test drive one car and then that's it like you're going  to try a couple different things you're going to consider a bunch of different options you're  going to gather information and you're going to gather information particularly if you haven't  done this in a while whatever this thing is like so if you haven't dated in a while gather more  information learn learn go on that Journey that we talked about revise your love Vision along the  way like you owe it to yourself to gi

ve yourself the experiences so that when you eventually  do settle on a CH Choice you're that much more certain about it God we are so non-romantic Gary  we are just like what just a like non like sexy romantic way to date you know but the reality is  it sets you up for long-term success right there there are some coaches out there some advice  your friends will tell you just go with your heart whatever you're feeling every single step  of the way oh you're feeling him just just lean into him hi

m and that's it it's like where's that  led you right like right our feelings can actually lead us in a lot of terrible directions in life  like constantly listening to our feelings all the time I'm not saying like don't listen to your  feelings at all but we got to bring some strategy along with us and this is the strategy side is  like I want you to listen to your heart but you got to bring the strategy and the strategy is  even if you're talking to that guy meets Your Love Vision he is amazin

g he's leaning in but  you've only known for two weeks accept the date from someone else keep with the process like if  you get asked out by another guy go for it keep with that process lean into the process lean into  the strategy and I'm telling you the clients who do that and a vast majority of our clients  it takes us usually about a month or two of working with them to really convince them to lean  into this but when they do they're like oh my God this is this is game changer now I have the

se guys  like literally begging begging for me to be their girlfriend like it just changes the whole power  Dynamic and not we're not doing this to manipulate or anything like that but it just it elevates you  in many ways throughout the process well because ultimately the relationship you're going to want  to get into is going to be one where you and your partner have equal power and so the problem is  people date in a way that you know subjugates them and makes them lower power the whole entir

e time  they're dating and then they hope once they're in a long-term serious relationship somehow they  flip the switch and now they're like hey we're all equal now and it's like wait a second you're  changing the Dynamics of how we set this up and the person who had more power who's usually the  guy is going to be like wait what that's not how we set this up we set this up where you're down  here and I'm up here and like now you want equal like so when you date smarter you're going to set  you

rself up for better long-term relationships and so yeah you're right does it sound a little not  romantic yeah but it's smarter right and it's like if all that romantic worked it would have  worked for you by now and it's like we wish it worked that way it's just it doesn't work that way  and so we're trying to help you you dates smarter something I say all the time you know follow  your heart but take some strategy with you and and that's really the answer yeah I agree so that  was great Gary I

really appreciate it and everyone who's listening right now take that action and  start really getting out there talk to multiple guys go make it happen to really learn what it is  that you want we're here for every step of the way