take it [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] now squat threats up and down back and forth squat thrust hey hey hey hey I can't hear myself think what I can't hear myself think what [Music] are you why the hand of Zeus what manner of DoubleTree is this I mean what gives yes again you scared us son listen to me all four of you I've decided it's time we did what other people who live in the same house do we're going to start planning things as a family about separate vacations
excited about tonight's plans I've actually asked our neighbors to come over to our house for the monthly meeting of the black Association people sailing from the ceiling in the Nets don't get to say what we're going to do it's high time this family got involved together in a group activity [Music] think about throwing Spears shooting bows and arrows and dumping boiling oil on them from the roof this is very important to me we never have visitors and in order to guarantee your attendance you wi
ll remain in that net until half an hour before they arrive at which time you will wash up then make our guests feel welcome and if anybody fails to do that I'll make his life a living hell a worse one than it is now do we understand each other [Music] party [Music] very impressive everything's Tip Top I believe we're prepared to make a stellar impression never here any minute duck man you've expect short in the doorbell didn't you seems to be working fine oh that's them Ajax comb your hair Char
les and Mambo fix your collars duck man go pick up some dip in that store just over the state line give it a rest Bernice I've lived in this neighborhood for 18 years it's a community these people know me and embrace me as one of their own straight out bartender I live here Elaine Gene Ronnie bad enough Dorothy landfill bath Rochelle Dave Jeff Jenny Susan so nice to see all of you I don't know why we haven't asked you over before you have asked we just never wanted to come ever since Duckman cam
e through our son's bomb it's [ __ ] dumped his head in the punch bowl then came up bouncing the first two verses of Harmony Gala that man take their coats [Applause] what the hell are you hella you're staring at you're a lawnmower we used to have one just like it until it disappeared sometime after we loaned it to you imagine that got a weed whacker that looks a lot like the one I used to have too oh bought it right after I borrowed yours just loved what it did to that crab dress the answer Wel
come Matt looked familiar the one with Dave and Jenny Farber on it I'm a detective we like the remaining Cognito okay their TVs a lot like ours so are their dining room chairs you have a silver frame with the picture of our kids Sea World in it too isn't that Grandma's dialysis machine well oh well should have guessed it yeah moving to the same neighborhood you're bound to have similar taste okay girl still taking those drink orders oh well then Rob Roy seven and seven oh the strawberry margarit
a blend and Brew on shaved ice here hero blaming Tampico and soda sex on the beach for me it's gonna whiskey flaming this blend and prove that whatever happened to the manly drinks the kind of the major go blind you till you dropped and wake up three days later married to the daughter from overprotective father who'd pay you to get it enough so Charles [ __ ] uh got any hobbies electron microscopy kick a guardian existentialism and speaking in a binary based code only we understand how wonderful
ly adolescent one zero zero one one zero zero zero one zero zero one true Grandmama doesn't talk much but she enjoys delighting others with a unique party trick do either of you have a lighter goodness Bernice this spread is Sumptuous you really should entertain more often oh my which of course is not to say we'd always be available there you go little Duckman Kickapoo juice the doll the nerve endings and make everyone seem at least mildly interesting this drink has a very unusual kick to it wha
t's your secret hey do Siegfried and Roy tell Copperfield how they do it if I didn't know better I'd say it's formula 409. [Music] okay wait don't go you think if this were cleaning fluid duck man would drink it right okay well he got it down okay I'll have another one I just like to say how thrilled we are to host the association meeting here tonight and that I've arranged for a very special guest speaker and authority to talk to us about home security well I didn't prepare any notes not you du
ck man I mean a real Authority someone who sells home security systems what a lot of artists do is pray on your paranoia by telling your horror stories about pervert sociopaths and young Republicans so they can frighten you into buying their overpriced product well not this duck we've never been robbed because I'm the king of my castle I've got the dangling modifiers in this English class and No One's Gonna Make Me Think like a victim I'm so sorry Mr Duckman a prude yet effective way to show how
anyone can invade your home before you know what hits you yeah they got a crew get effective way to show you Adam my home before you know it oh thank you so much for coming uh Mr Cat sloth Terry Duke tetzloth and it's so nice to see you all gathered here to talk about home security while your houses sit empty and unattended inviting gosh knows who to break in well shall we get started and then he took the electric carving knife cut her into little pieces and fed her to his dog and as for the re
st of the orphans well it wasn't pretty and all because they didn't have the interlopen pure 1500 home security system but hey I'm not here to scare you I'm just warning you what can happen when you value 599.95 more than you do the safety of your own children need to admit it but Dad was right this is designed to Prey Upon Our Urban angst and paranoia who'll be the first to say yes my family matters to me please please please please say what you will but as the man of the house it's my sacred d
uty to protect my loved ones and you and don't worry I didn't let him sell me that cheapy interlopen fewer 1500 I tucked him into selling me the deluxe model the Intel open Führer two thousand Deluxe did that cost not to worry your car all your clothes on the kids savings bonds covered most of it all right you're gonna thank me when you realize it's a small price to pay for complete Security and peace oh mind [Music] I thought this house was empty me too but it's got the biggest alarm system on
the Block so there must be some great stuff inside yep here it is interlop and pure 2000. Hillary not so loud but if Bill hears you sure [Music] very funny compost maggot I never get tired of that one if you're done with your imbecile like jokes Mr security and peace oh mind you might be interested to know that we've been robbed [Music] me me me oh my God why'd you wake me you know I like to see blade on Saturdays duck man I think Ajax is in shock you better talk to him Ajax son I'm sorry but yo
u're just gonna have to accept the fact that we've been robbed robbed then that would mean the TV isn't there I thought it was stuck on one of those cable access shows where nothing ever happens listen everyone not to worry I could duck my own investigation fine I'll call the insurance company and tell them we've given up hey they stole my homework and I was up all night doing my essay for career day I wish I could crawl in a hole and stay there forever hey Jack you don't have to get that upset
I'm not that was the title of my essay wait a minute you were up all night didn't you notice anything just a Jehovah's Witness and a ski mask who said he didn't want to wake us by knocking oh and I finished the butter hey Jax how could that happen I can't believe you're that oblivious to the world around you sorry Don next time trying to remember there are a lot of people in this house who might have liked the little butter toe everything we own including our science fair project the effects of
sunlight on electromagnetic isotopes hey Rod open the sunroof [Music] boys I for example can't bear the thought of somebody else using my upper thigh massager me neither however our things are gone and I think the only constructive thing to do at this point is to blame your father me how much stuff do you think would have been missing if I hadn't gotten the security system you're right Dad thanks for protecting the lint that was mercifully left in my pants pocket and the dust balls that the crim
inals were too intimidated by the alarm to take from under our beds they left the dust balls terrific I busted tail feather try to protect this family and what do I get in return exactly who deserve you are responsible Creighton who blew thousands of dollars on a criminal friendly security system aren't you irresponsible ha ha ha that's collab we'll see who's irresponsible when I fix this alarm ungrateful family try to keep them safe and all of a sudden you're irresponsible [Applause] couple of
wires switch what you do how hard could it be is it true Mr teslaf that the inner open Pure 2000 alarm system has features which have been found to be extremely dangerous only if you're irresponsible enough to go inside the console and try to fix it yourself okay you made your point s the house is now armed who's irresponsible now Bernice [Music] for your information the alarm is now working again I've done that Voodoo that I do so well meaning this family can once again feel secure and comforta
ble in their home hey how come there's a bit of hydrochloric acid in front of our underwear drawers foreign motion sensors activated [Music] hey everyone okay I won't move unless this is reverse psychology and you do want me to move but if it's reverse reverse psychology then you don't want me to move but if it's reverse reversary okay I'll shut up unless that was reverse psychology and you want me to keep talking duck man here's something you haven't heard from me in the last what three or four
minutes this is all yours my fault hey just cause I fiddle with a couple of wires and create a deadly force field that'll brutally kill all of us and we move as much as an edge suddenly I'm the Fall Guy [Music] okay look ahead of the family it's my responsibility to lead us under this small and utterly surmountable predicament and naturally I have a plan [Music] [Applause] because they show you we're a good plan will get you watch it Bernice you're stepping on my head like I can do any more dam
age tell me Mr Fix It what exactly are we gonna do now very simple we count on our neighbors they broke bread with us last night Bernice we bonded I have no doubt that the minute any one of them notices anything strange going on over here they'll be more than anxious to rush to our Aid [Music] any more lemonade dear I gotta get out it's too much you hear me the World's closing in on me the ceiling is getting lower there are strange gigantic lump and shapes forming in the corners of the room look
I found my old contact lens [Music] please let me out I can't take it I can't take it the loss of all the feelings of isolation the pain in my face I don't give a horse's hiney about your pain we've been down here for 10 minutes and you've spent the last eight holding like a cheap deck chair he's right Dad you have been acting like a bit of a what's the word that's it yeah well there's a reason I'm acting this way I'm just afraid if I tell you it'll make you think less of your old dad good poin
t something happened when I was a kid something I've carried with me all these years I was six years old I stole some candy from the five and Diamond my dad found out instead of spanking me or yelling at me he just sat down and calmly wrote a little note put it in an envelope and then told me to take it to the chief of police but I did the chief read the note shook his head then locked me in a jail cell you weren't you were sick turns out the note said this little boy stole some candy please loc
k them in a Cell for an hour to teach him a lesson but 15 minutes after he locked me up the chief was leaning back in his chair hit his head on a radiator and went into a cobra no one else knew while I was in there so I sat in that cell until he came out of the coma and let me go how long were you in there 16 months your father didn't come and get you for 16 months shut up just shut up my daddy loved me he had a lot on his mind that's all if he didn't notice I was missing I know he would have co
me for me he loved me I tell you I know he loved me didn't you daddy didn't you love me I'm writing a letter to Daddy his address is in heaven above man well boys your father's decided to check out early again any ideas well sometimes the court will declare a person incompetent candles on Affairs then he's sent to an asylum and all of his assets are turned over to his children it's a pleasant thought but I haven't any ideas about how to get out of here get out of here get out of here I'll do tha
t I'll get you out of here I'm the father it's my job to get you out of here to keep you safe to protect you against whatever comes along Intruders detected in basement explosive device will detonate in 10 minutes reducing Intruders to lifeless styles of smoldering Ash five news for those Intruders huh We're The Intruders Ajax now listen everyone when things have gotten have gotten sinned together like when we smuggle this [Music] oh right well what about the time we all pitched in together to g
et cable hey [Music] everywhere yeah true there was that and that's just how we're gonna get out of here by pitching it together let's go for a dog Bernie move Grandma over here hey Jax you get on a lap twins you and have Bernie's steady Ajax one year old how could you ever doubt him dad climbs up and save them you have fallen for the old emergency shut off lever tricks thereby reducing the 10-minute countdown to 30 seconds if you're a criminal you deserve the bodily atomization if not thank you
for purchasing the interlopen fewer 2000 oh no think of a worst way to end my life hi this is Casey Tash I'm about to introduce the countdown to death okay there's one worse way but before I do I'd like to dedicate a song to all those families out there who were trapped together in basements that are about to blow up kids Bernice this might really be the end look I want to say something I've never said before Stinky Pinky bottle of Inky what he has said it before just listen to me will ya this
isn't easy I mean I know I fell short in a few categories but as a dad I haven't been the greatest provider head of the household role model or anything that could even be remotely confused with a parental figure thank you Bernice but it doesn't mean that I don't love you kids or you grandma or you uh um I'll come here [Applause] oops guess that won't help resell will it nine eight seven six five four get down everywhere hidey ho anyone know I knew something was wrong when you didn't show up for
work today duck man I don't show up for work a lot of days true but you always call in with some lame and pathetically inadequate excuse that I pretend to believe so as not to unbalance The age-old Fragile employer employee relationship Uncle Corbett you must have disarmed the system and just Nano seconds before it reduces to molecules oh so that was the court I tripped over and unplugged on the front porch gee duck man I hate to say it but that was uncharacteristically heroic trying to save us
like that yeah true heroism you're cool yeah well any dad would have done the same thing what the hell was I thinking when do you use Tom what a great idea it's a news Twist on an old story when a reporter is murdered on Silk Stockings tonight at 10. then USA really turns up the heat with the hot
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