(pepper rattling) (bell dinging) (lighthearted music) - And lastly, an update on
our annual holiday pageant. Mrs. Whitelove, you have the floor. - (clearing throat) Thank you, Chairman. I must regretfully, however,
announce that I will be unable to oversee the production this year. My doctor has advised against any activity that will tax my failing heart. Theater is for the young, while withering away in
convalescence is for the bygone. I have, however, chosen
a suitable replacement to guide our
beloved pageant. Ms. Erin Evans comes highly
recommended from Vassar. (audience applauding) Welcome, welcome, Ms. Evans. I'm confident that you
will honor our community with a wonderful production, indeed. - Thank you, Mrs. Whitelove,
for such a warm welcome. - I pass the torch to you and accept my supporting role as
nameless audience member. (audience applauding) Just keep it traditional, wholesome. And whatever you do, keep the niggers, Semites, and wet-backs off the stage! Once those cockroa
ches infiltrate you can never get their filth out! (audience applauding) (lighthearted music) (doorbell ringing) (lighthearted music) - Are you positive you
really wanna do this? We still have time to
totally rewrite and recast it. - I know it's not what the town is used to, but they really need
to join the 21st Century. - Mrs. Whitelove's gonna have
a stroke when she sees this. - We'll have to keep her
out until the production. It's going to be a perspective
changing masterpiece. - You'd better
hope so. They haven't completely
abandoned lynching here. (Erin laughing) - Well, if this is going to
be my one and only show, then I'm going to do it right. We'd better get started. Thank you all for auditioning. I am thrilled that you are
going to be a part of this show. I know it's unconventional,
but I cast based on performance rather than type. This show is going to be a
true celebration of diversity. (group applauding) - I think this is quite a rewarding and enriching opportunity. I've le
arned so much
about my friends of color. - I've grasped the true spirit
of the African community. This role's helped me wash
away some of my prejudices. - Mmhm, hey, I know I
feel ethnically cleansed. - Nice call, Adolf. - Well, that is a unanimous endorsement from our Kwanzaa group. Anyone not okay with their role? Good, let's get started
with the opening number. Form two rows, please. Taller folk in back. Great work, everyone. Now just hold a few moments while Wally and I make some notes. - Mo
ve over, loser. - No, this is my spot! Ms. Evans said stand here. - I'm sorry, move over, now! - No, and you can't make me. - Oh, I can't, can I? All it would take is one email and I'd have your pathetic business
turned into a memory. I'd own you! - You couldn't! - Yes, I could. My wife is a corporate guerrilla. In fact, she could easily
buy out your whole company. And yours! And then I'd have you fired and investigated for your spending habits! (Carl laughing) - [Jim] I haven't done anything wr
ong! - That doesn't matter! The scandal alone would ruin you. Move now! - Carl, there is no
threatening in my production. Go to the Shame Stool. (group laughing) - The Shame Stool? - Yes, it's a great
negative reinforcement tool I picked up in early ed classes. - Oh, the Shame Stool. - And no talking, texting,
emailing, or hostile takeovers. You are being punished,
not given a free pass. In fact, give your phone to Wally. - [Carl] What the hell are you doing? - Calling your wife, Mrs. Guerrilla,
right? - Ms. Evans. - Brian Matthew Abbott, give that phone back to Wally right now or you're going to be sharing the Shame Stool with Carl! Now, everyone from the top. Brian, please find your place. Carl, sit properly on the Shame Stool. And no more rude gestures or you're going to be out of the show! Everyone ready? Okay, five, six, seven, eight. (lighthearted music) - Well, I, uh, think we have
a few minutes, Mrs. Brown. - Well, come on then, Mr. Brown. (Suki gasping) Creepy! I bet Ray sleep
s in here. Oh my gosh. (emotional music) (Erin sneezing) - Yeah, no, Wally, the doctor said I'd be fine if I just
rest a couple of days. (clearing throat) No,
don't cancel rehearsal. (Erin coughing) Please don't call Mrs. Whitelove. No, the flowers she sent are lovely, but she'll only interfere. (Erin coughing) No, really, I'll be fine. Just have everybody
rehearse, take any notes of any changes, and you can always call me if you need anything, okay? Alright, bye. (melancholy music) (phone ringi
ng) (phone ringing) Hello? Oh, hi, Wally. Yeah, I'm better, how are you? Okay, so why are you calling? What do you mean it's Saturday? You're telling me that
I slept away four days? Yeah, I can be there. I can be there in a half hour. Okay, so, um, you might
wanna make that an hour. Yeah, just have everybody warm up and run the opening number and I'll be there as soon as I can, okay? Alright, bye. (mucus squishing) Oh, a fresh one, oh. (insects chirping) (Erin exclaiming) I don't have any money!
- Excuse me, sister? - I'm, I am... - I'm Leon Leonne. I'm supposed to report to you. You are Ms. Evans, right? - Leon, report? Oh, you're the prison guy that they sent to work on the sets. Yes, I am Ms. Evans. It's a pleasure to meet you. - If you don't mind,
I ain't the prison guy. I'm out here on parole. Just need to do this
community service bullshit, then I'm straight. - I'm sorry, it was insensitive. Do you have any experience building sets? - A black man is no stranger to toiling for the
amusements of Man Whitey. - It's not like that. You will be a valued
part of this production. - Yeah, whatever, just don't
forget to sign my timecard. I ain't here for charity. - Good evening, everyone. I hope your rehearsals
have been going well. - I do hope you're
feeling better, Ms. Evans. You were missed. - Thank you, Ray. That's very kind. - Ooh, look, the new
Kleenex kiss-ass collection. - At least those won't wind
up in his squeeze release pile. (Jeremy and Melissa laughing) - Oh, girl,
you're terrible! I bet you that they're
perfumed with chloroform, and that there's lotion in his basket! - And under his fingernails! (Jeremy and Melissa laughing) - Everyone, I would like to introduce Leon. He's here to serve. He's here to help us create the show. Leon, please join us
in the friendship circle. - Thanks, but I prefer not to be bound within the confines of the carpet. - Of course. Please feel free to sit or stand wherever you feel comfortable. - Leon, I'm Max. Come on, I'll show
you the ropes. - Wonderful, thank you, Max. Alright, while Wally gets me up to speed, please work with your skit groups. We'll be around shortly. (whimsical music) - [Wally] Jameel! (trash can lid rattling) - Yes? - [Erin] Jameel, we'd like
to hear your monologue. - Oh, of course. My people have suffered greatly, profiled and exterminated (grunting) (body thumping) for our funny little hats,
and eerie financial savvy. God's chosen people have certainly earned eight nights of revelry! - [Carl] Th
at's bullshit! - Alright, Carl, that is enough! - That's right, Ms. Evans,
that's more than enough. Bad enough my son wants that, but, but eight nights of presents? That's beyond fucking retarded! No offense, Brian. - I'm not retarded! - If my son, Sammy,
ever hears of this scam, I'll never hear the end of it! - Okay, Carl, we can not rewrite tradition based on the possibility
of childish jealousy. - What do you mean you
can't rewrite tradition? Don't you say merry fucking Christmas in mixed cul
tural company? Don't you hear O Holy Night in the fucking department stores? - You do make a valid point. We'll try to make Judaism's traditions seem less enviable. Now, I gotta work with Jameel now. Please go back to your groups. - Come on, let's go back to work. - Alright, I'll work
over that hot new thing. (air blowing) - Jameel, we're gonna work with your lines and mimic props for now. Now, you won't be needing that because the menorah has electric bulbs. (fire crackling faintly) - The menor
ah is a very important part of our holiday tradition. - [Maria] Is something burning? (fire crackling faintly) (lighthearted music) - Mm-mm-mmm, so glad nobody else took tuna. It's my favorite. - Nevermind the fact you hoovered two of them over there at the table. Nobody wants to have kitten breath when they're in close company. - Oh, yes, I didn't even think of that. Than you, maybe now I won't offend anyone. - Oh, by the way, Mrs. Whitelove called while you were rehearsing the Negro Jesus kill
er celebration. (Erin clearing throat) Don't worry, don't worry, I told her you were putting out fires. - [Erin] Thank you. - She's gonna get in, you know. I wouldn't put it past her
if she bugged the food. I mean, good thing you devoured yours like it was a baby in the outback. - Yeah, I've been getting my appetite back, but this topic it's, it's
turning my stomach. - Well, don't worry, we'll keep
her off you as best we can. - Okay, everyone, I would like
to hear your feedback so far. Now remem
ber, this is about constructive criticism and helpful suggestions. Okay, Ray. - I have a few thoughts. - Okay, let's hear them. - Thank you, Erin. Well, for starters, I think Eric should tone down his emoting a bit. - Are you implying that I overact? I went to Julliard! I am a trained thespian! - Your mom's a thespian. - [Erin] Okay, Robert,
Eric's mom is a thespian, and a famous one at that. - What do you have to
say now, Mr. Know-it-all? - I say that still doesn't make Eric's performance worth
a lick. Besides, he only attended
a workshop at Julliard. - I'll have you know
that all of the advisors said I was the best in the group, and I think that they also said that you're nothing but a jealous midget. - I'm not a midget, I'm an elf. I'm 5'10" for Chrissakes! (someone imitating cat screeching) Hey! - Okay, boys, this has gone
beyond appropriate feedback. Now, Eric, you could
just tone down a touch. Robert, you gotta calm down. Nobody thinks that you're
vertically challenged. Now, are
there any other
comments or suggestions? Anyone other than Ray? No? Okay, go ahead, Ray. - I made a few notes. I suspect Paul's been
sneaking booze into his mug. He reeks of it. - What? That's crazy talk! Nonse-non-nos, crazy! - I've also seen Suki
and Ted sneaking around. Tom stealing most of the pastries. Kelly texting constantly. - You damn spying perv! - Yeah, one sec, cause
your mom wants updates on your douche-bag level, and congrats, you just upgraded to orange. (group laughing) - Raymond
, you know the difference between telling and tattling. If you don't have anything
constructive to say, we're going to move on. Kelly, you know Wally holds
all phones during rehearsals. You're gonna have to pass it in. Alright, let's break up
into skit groups now. Oh, I'm not feeling so (body thumping). (whimsical music) (Erin retching and coughing) (phone ringing) (Erin groaning) Hello? Oh, hi, Wally. Yeah, I'm so much better. It's probably food poisoning, so we're not using Mrs.
Whitelove's ca
terer ever again. Wait, you gotta slow down for me, what's a courtesy coach? Alright, a bus for the elderly? Mrs. Whitelove's on her way? Oh my, yes, I'll be there as soon as I can, but for God's sake, Wally,
you gotta keep her out! Okay? Alright, bye. (lighthearted music) (puke squishing) Father, sister, fricking brother! Mrs. Whitelove. (Wally sighing) Hi, what a nice surprise! - Surprise that they allow the aged to drift amongst the living? Given one brief furlough from our dingy parlors of d
ecay and pity? - No, of course not. It's just that we didn't expect to see you until the performance. - Oh, my dear Ms. Evans, this show has been my life blood for over 40 years. I have a vested interest in its progress. - I'm afraid that it's still more of a mess than a masterpiece. I would hate for you to be disappointed. - Oh, you seem to have an
awful lot of house staff on today. - Yes, everyone is here just helping to put the show together. - Well, be sure to keep
an eye on those two. Lazy
savages, notorious for sneaking off to make welfare babies! - [Erin] Oh. - Hello, Maxwell, I hope
everything is up to snuff. - Yes, Mrs. Whitelove. Ms. Evans is doing hell, heck of a job. - Excellent, excellent. And your boy there minding his place? - Boy! - No problems here, Mrs. Whitelove. Leon is a very good worker. Good breeding. - Well, yes, Max will keep track of that. - Yes, ma'am. - Well, it appears you
have your house in order. I must return to the shuttle of senility. - Thank you so mu
ch for stopping by. We look forward to seeing you at the show. - Yes, well, I still hope to get a sneak peak of this extravaganza. Oh, dear, you look peaked. Here, take my coffee. Yes, they'll just confiscate it from me, fearing some caffeine fueled rebellion. - That was so close. - You have no idea! We were rehearsing the Kwanzaa skit with a multicultural cast, celebrating an Afro-centric holiday. We may as well have
just raped her into a gang! - Well, I'd rather kill with a sharp stab than a s
low, painful performance. We've got some work to do. Okay, we have our Claire,
Abraham, and Saundra. The Kinara and Unity Cup! Excellent job, they look authentic. - But wait, there's more! - [Erin] Whoa, what is that? - What? It's the Kwanzaa spread. You said authentic African cuisine. - Yes, but I did not say stereotypical African-American grub! Please, go research what people actually eat for this celebration. - [Virginia] Ms. Evans! - I mean, I was just... - He kissed me! - What? - We were re
hearsing, and he kissed me! - You do remember signing the sexual harassment agreement, right? And Virginia has clearly indicated that she does not welcome your attention. - She didn't say no at the time. - That's because I couldn't breathe! - Robert, this is your notice that Virginia does not like you in that way way, got it? - Yes, ma'am. - Good, we have an understanding. Now, any other incidents
will lead to disciplinary action, up to termination from this show. [Robert] Yes, ma'am. - Okay, pl
ease go
rehearse, and I'll be over to check on you in a little while. Why couldn't I work with children? Alright, from the top. Maria, you're offstage at this point. Okay, when you're ready. - Claire, what a wonderful job you've done honoring this most cherished occasion. - Ms. Evans, are you okay? - Yeah, I just, uh, I just, uh. (group gasping) (body thumping) (whimsical music) (Erin coughing) (doorbell ringing) (Erin coughing) Yeah, Wally, I'm fine. The doctor just thinks I caught a bug. No, h
e checked for mono. No, Wally, I am not pregnant! You know, I just have to go, okay? Alright, bye. (lighthearted music) Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. How's it going over here? Anything I can help with? - Yeah, the North Pole Local
1225 needs a union rep, you in? - A union rep? Wally, was that a change? So, since when would
Santa's elves need a union? - Since fat-ass over there decided he's too good for manual labor. - I'm streamlining the
Santa Claus operation to maximize
efficiency and
compete in today's market. By empowering my staff to
run the day-to-day operations, I'm free to foster win-win partnerships with our investors and shareholders. - Um, why would Santa need investors? The elves make all the toys. - Reindeer can't live on Barbie dolls and Lincoln Logs alone. - Now you're just being ridiculous. Santa's whole job is to check lists and deliver the toys that the elves make. Where's Bob? - Mr. Grinch over here laid him off. - Laid him off? - Well, yes. E
conomic downturn. - Downturn my ass. - It was a most unfortunate separation, but he had documented
behavioral and productivity issues. - Productivity issues? They're only pretending to make toys. This is called acting. - Not in this sweatshop. I have splinters from shaping hobby horses. Who even buys hobby horses anymore? - Seriously, Paul, you
will play our beloved Santa and coordinate a merry
Christmas with your elf partners. - Partners, did you hear that? Leon, quick, get our names on the doo
r. - What about Bob? - Well, either Paul gets
Bob back here in 20 minutes, or in this year's production, Virginia, there will be no Santa Claus. - Damn, didn't you already get fired from one Santa gig this year? - Yeah, he kept slurring the S names. (melancholy music) (Erin crying) - Succulent white breasts, brushed delicately with a loving, tender touch of honey-based - He's really good! - Citrus glaze! - I think that's the Tang
Garden's takeout menu. - Note: Asterisk indicates spicy! And our d
ishes contain no MSG! - Kinda weird, but yet engaging. - Mmm, he does have presence. - I was right there with him. I could taste the General Tso's. - Hey, listen, do you mind
if we postpone playtime? I'm suddenly feeling kind of hungry. - Me too, let's call it in. - Mm. (lighthearted music) - Oh, this costume is just so boring. I can't do anything with this palette! - Jeremy, this is for the manger scene. She's just given birth in a barn. - Well, some girls have
no sense of style or class. - Who
a, okay, so you do know
I'm like playing a character, so I'm not gonna like
actually pop one out on stage. - This shift does nothing for you, dear. You're supposed to be playing
the mother of our Savior! Our dearest mommy! (idea dinging) (Jeremy gasping) (Jeremy gasping) I only hope that there's enough time to transform this frock from drab to fab! - Jeremy, Mary was a humble peasant. Her whole life was simple! - Not this time, honey. Mary Magdalene, it's your time to shine! I wonder where Wally
hid my Bedazzler. - Whoa, okay, so does he think that Mary is Mary Magdalene the whore? - Uh-oh, we gotta tell Ms. Evans. - Nah, he wouldn't do
anything that drastic. Would he? - You weren't here for
the Orphan Annie incident. Come on, let's hope she can reign him in before he turns our Virgin
Mary into a drag queen stripper. (lighthearted music) - Ms. Evans, Ms. Evans! - Ray, what's wrong? - Thomas is refusing to rehearse! He says he wants to quit. - Quit? No, he can't quit. He's the center of
the
non-denominational skit. - I told him that, Erin. And how his role is the
most truest depiction of the spirit of the 21st Century! - Raymond, did you give Tom your speech about the almighty dollar's replacement of the Almighty as our object of worship? - Oh, so you're familiar with my theory of the suppression of the mythical gods in favor of a more tangible form of our economic infrastructure? - Yes, you may have
mentioned it once or twice. - Today. - I mean, you can feel it! You can smell
it! You can pass it along
and change another life! Brian, do you know what
God smells like, or Allah, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster! No, my friends, but
once you've gotten a whiff of that almighty dollar, you never forget the sweet smell of it's awesomeness! - I need to find Tom. Tommy, I heard that you
want to leave the show. Is everything alright? Tom, you know you can
talk to me about anything. I would hate for our secular star to miss his chance to shine. You know, the others are
going to
be so disappointed. - Yeah, disappointed
they lose their easy target. - Well now you've lost me. Your whole role is to be the target. That one elusive must-have gift! The hot new thing! You cause children to
behave, adults to riot, slimy hoarders to get rich on eBay. You are the spirit of Christmas! - The spirit of Christmas sucks! - Well, for the poor, perhaps. But they have a bond of love
that the spoiled masses miss. - Listen, Ms. Evans, they just use this all as an excuse to pound on me. -
Well, Tom, they're
supposed to rough you up. You are damaged, metaphorically speaking. - Yeah, well, literally speaking they're beating the crap out of me! I mean, they've been aiming
for my kidneys and groin, and I've been peeing blood for a week! - What, why didn't you say anything? - 'Cause it's the only way
they pay attention to me. - Oh, Tom, that is awful! Now, listen to me, you are a great person, a great guy, and anyone would be lucky to have you as their friend. - Does this mean you're
my friend? - Of course, I am. - Ms. Evans? - Yes, please call me Erin. - Can I have a hug? - Of course you can, come here! (both laughing) Okay, okay, no, Tom, that's good! - Oh, I knew you'd love it! - No, I mean, you can stop now! - No, I can't stop, this
is just what I needed! - Thomas Anderson, just get off of me now! (Erin screaming) - [All] Oh! - Down boy. - Way to go, man! (table thumping) - No, it's not what it looks like! - It looks like someone is getting their jollies this season. (Er
in grunting) - Tom was down and I was
just trying to comfort him! - Oh, I bet he feels a lot better now! (guys laughing) Let's leave 'em alone. (Carl laughing) - Yeah. It's too much, too much. (lighthearted music) - Ms. Evans, Ms. Evans! - What is it, what's wrong? - He took my chocolate almond scone! - What? - Yeah, well, he dumped it in my triple-shot caramel macchiato. - Well, that was only after you broke off a piece and ate it! - Really, this is your crisis? - My wife made it for me, it's s
pecial! - Well, my drink's got all
soggy cookie bits in it now. And they feel mushy and wrong in my mouth. - Okay, I'll solve it. (Jim laughing) - You do know he's hyperactive, right? - Oh. That might have been a mistake. - Whoa, that was a triple shot. I've never seen him
drink anything that strong. - (laughing) This is gonna be awesome. Let's go see how wrecked he gets! I mean, let's go make sure he's okay. - Yeah. (lighthearted music) - Maria, what's the matter? - Mrs. Whitelove is here. She
tried to give me her coat. I have a PhD for Christ's sake! - I am so sorry. What did you do? (speaking in foreign language) - [Evelyn] Hello, Ms. Evans, Wally? Hello? - Oh no, Evil-lyn is here! Mother's gin buddy! She comes around spitting about the grand old days of theater. She's wretched, and she's always... Mrs. Whitelove, you are a vision! - Eric Straussman, you handsome devil, you. How is your mother? - Wondering when you're
gonna come visit again. - Oh, you are a charmer. Listen, can you
give an
old lady a sneak peek? I only have a few minutes before they send the dogs to get me. - Okay, I think the
Christmas set is presentable. - Oh, thank you, dear. That's most gracious. Here, have an orange. You're going to need your
energy over the next few days. - Oh, thank you. I've been feeling a little off lately. - Oh course, theater is consuming. Well, young Eric, shall we? - Of course, my pleasure, Mrs. Whitelove. - Oh, call me Evelyn. - Evelyn, shall we? (Evelyn laughing) (lightheart
ed music) (lighter clicking) - I wonder how you say
Shame Stool in Haitian? Oh, thank you for that enlightening tour! - My pleasure, Evelyn. - [Evelyn] Now give my best to Lucille. - Of course. I'll see you soon. - Ooh, someone has a frosty new sugar mama! - You know talent can't
be sexually transmitted or bequeathed, right? (Jeremy and Robert laughing) - Mom, are you screening calls? I really need to talk to you, please. Mom, oh, thank goodness! Could you send Reginald to come pick me up? What'
s more important? Mr. Snugglypants' grooming
appointment is three blocks away! I am not being a sissy quitter! They really don't like me here. They say I overact and no
one will sit with me at lunch. I know I don't need
them, but it would be nice to have at least one friend! No, no, Pedro doesn't count, he's the pool boy, for God sakes! And he steals! Well, I didn't lose my Darth Vader helmet. Oh, that's right, I'm fat and ugly, that's why nobody likes me. No, I didn't forget stupid and needy. F
uck you very much for your support! I will not use my, I will not use my inside voice, goddammit! I am a grown man and I am owning and vocalizing my distress! You are a human being who
deserves love and respect, and I embrace your you-ness complete with your abyss of soul-sucking sarcasm. Doing so allows me to
love and accept myself, complete with my own quirks
and flaws which makes me me. Thank you, Mother. I knew talking to you
would make me feel better. Mother? Mommy, are you still there? Did
you leave your phone
on the counter again? Off getting another gimlet
or diddling the gardener? You selfish bitch! You can't ignore me forever, I am your son! I hate you, Mother, I really truly do. You were a wonderful actress, but a totally failure as a human being. I will take horrible actor to
soulless has-been any day! Goodbye, you poor, pitiful creature. (group applauding) - That was the most powerful, real performance that I have ever seen. Oh, the passion, the drama! The (nose blowing),
the vulnerability! - Thanks. - I have goosebumps! Is this a monologue you'll be performing? - Yeah, it's something
I've been working on. - Wow, that must have been one hell of a workshop at Julliard. - Actually, I could totally relate to it. I mean, actually being the fat guy, it's like you were speaking directly to me. And you know what? I'm a valid human being too. I don't need any of this. Here. - Thank you. - Guess you won't be
needing that one either now that you're socially acceptable. - Y
ou just took my... - Hey This was a beautiful thing. Let's not ruin it with words. Bye. - What the fuck? - How many of those has he had? - I lost count after the eight crullers, seven coffees, six soda pops. ♪ Five Ring Dings ♪ (group laughing) - Has anyone seem Jim? (lighthearted music) - Hey, Wally! - Hello, Maria. - Isn't it so hard to represent
five different celebrations? - Uh-huh, yes it is, especially
when only one matters. - I'm sorry? - The birth of Jesus, the son of Jehovah, the one tr
ue God. The rest of this is just merely
fluff to herd in new lambs. - I'm Jewish, so we don't
really believe in the Christ myth. - Lucky for you, I'm always prepared for the opportunity to save a heathen soul! - I'm sorry, I have no
intention of converting. - Fine, be like that. Could you go stand someplace else? I don't wanna get snagged by
the dark angel's deformed claw as he drags you down for
eternal torture and napalm facials. (electricity sizzling) - Oh, son of a motherfucking bitch! (ange
l thumping) (body thumping) - Oh, goddammit! Now the angel's destroyed. - Shit, looks fine to me! 'Bout damn time we
represent angels of color. - Serves you right, heatheness. Behold, the dark angel! This is a warning, a sign. You must accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior
and you'll be saved! You'll be safe from the
attack of the filthy darkies! - What the fuck? - The dark angels, of
course, Satan and his minions? - [Maria] What? - I will pray for you
and God will heal you. Believe and be
healed! (Maria screaming) She's in a healing stasis. - Or a coma. - Oh, shit, now she's bleeding. I'm not cleaning that up
without biohazard gear. - Leon, go get the first aid kit. - Giving up on your all-powerful,
negro-hating God already? - Of course not, but
he can't do all of this. It's his plan for us to help her and bear witness to his
ever-loving awesomeness. - Oh my God, what happened? Is she okay? - Uh, Maria had a bit of an accident. - Yeah, well, according to you she was smote for be
ing a Jew. - What? - I never said smote! Oh, by the way, aren't you supposed to be getting the first aid kit? - You haven't gotten the first aid kit yet? At least tell me you called 911. - No, somebody was relying on a good old fashioned hallelujah healing. - Max, go call the
paramedics and get the kit. Leon, get a mop and bucket. - What can I do? - You can pray that she's gonna
be okay and she doesn't sue. - Filthy, money-grubbing Jews! - I am going to pretend really hard that I didn't hear you
say that, and you are gonna try really hard to remember that Jesus loves all people. Intolerance will not be tolerated! - Yes, ma'am. - Maybe Jesus will walk
with you to the Shame Stool. (whimsical music) (thumping) - [Leon] Shit, now why
wouldn't the damn light switch be next to the door? Keep the menial black
man in the dark, that's why. - Oh, man, this is so classic. - Oh, I love the smell of sawdust. - [Leon] Merriment while the black man tends to his fellow minority? Alright, we'll see who
has the last laugh. - Come on, baby, I can use
some custodial engineering. - All to happy to service you, madame. - [Suki] Oh, it's really dark in here. - [Ted] Hold on, let
me find a light switch. I don't wanna get impaled on a mop. (Suki giggling) What's so funny? - [Suki] Impaled on a mop! Mop, pail, get it? - [Ted] Oh my God, you are so corny! Why am I with you? - [Suki] Because I can do this. - [Ted] Oh, oh, ah, hold that thought. Or, or, or hold that! I found the light switch, close your
eyes. (switch clicking) (Suki gasping) - Leon? (Suki gasping) - What was he doing in there? - I don't know, honey, I don't know! - From now on, sex only
in bed behind locked doors! - Yeah, sure, if I can get
that image out of my head. Until then, I'm sleeping
with a night light! (Suki whimpering) (eerie music) - I used to get beat up a lot. Vinny V's Taekwon Judo vids really helped. - Oh, like, taught you some good moves? - No, they were like a mix of
bad Segal movies and musicals. Seriously, le
sson seven
had snapping and jazz hands. - How did that help? - I learned how to rip
people off on the internet. Besides, the videos were hilarious. Like one episode, he a
raging boner the whole time. He's like 70 and he was wearing sweatpants! So gross! Man, you gotta see it. - Is my buddy, Dean, trying to get you to see his dad's hard-on? - Shut up, man, that wasn't my dad! - Imagine if it was? You were totally checking
out his package, man. - Okay, cut it out. Not funny. - And then you could h
ave
like a Darth Vader moment where he claims you as his son, and you guys can fight it out. Except instead of using light sabers, you'd be using your dicks. - Seriously, dude, not cool! - I'm gonna let you guys... - Wait, wait, wait, (mumbling). Who'd you think would win the
wang war between Dean & Darth? (laughing) - I said stop! Do you understand? - Yeah, yeah, I got it. - You learned that from the videos? - No, but the money I made online paid for a personal trainer. - Yeah, that's a great s
tory. Now let me go, brah,
this is kind of awkward. - Okay, sorry, yeah. - Daddy issues. - You know I never met my father! Asshole! - Do you think you could show me some stuff from the videos? You know, to defend myself. I think that I oughta be... - You got guys after you? - After me? Well, no, I just need to learn how to defend myself so
that these guys don't... - Say no more, man. Just need to find a toothbrush, a lighter, and some Saran Wrap. - [Tom] It's not that bad, Leon. - It never start
s off bad. They all play nice at first. Extra pudding cup at dinner. Massage after a long sweaty
game of full-contact Tee-ball. Son, I suggest you hitch up those pants. Don't think you want any of that action. (Bud laughing) - Thanks man, but I'm not in the big house giving out signals, you know what I mean? - Shit, man, whole world's one big pokey. Never know who's waitin'
on the gang bang train. - [Erin] Leon, did you find the mop? There's an awful lot of blood here. - Damn females and their b
leeding parts. - What was he talking about? - In prison wearing your
pants below your ass crack means you're willing to
let guys have sex with you. - Why would you do that? - If not, they just
beat the shit out of you before the anal invasion. - Whoa, do you think that Leon... - You ever seen how he walks? Word is he packs his own shiv. - Packs? I don't get it. - Oh, man. This dude screams victim. - Come on, Tom, let's go
outside for some defense 101. (lighthearted music) (fire crackling) (Jamee
l laughing faintly) (fire cracking) (metal banging) (dramatic music) - The trash is on fire! Max, bring the extinguisher. (extinguisher hissing) - Damn pyromaniac! Somebody really needs
to keep an eye on that boy. This is the third one of
these I've emptied this week. - I'm sure he doesn't do it on purpose. We need to show compassion, offer guidance. - At least you put your pamphlets down on the fountains out there. I just turn on the water to put them out. - You mean he burnt
the printed soul o
f Christ? May he be incinerated
by righteous lightning! - Forgive others as God
in Christ has forgiven you. Right, Wally? (lighthearted music) (Wally growling) - Evelyn? - Yeah, she's just making sure that we have a steady sugar rush for the weekend. - I'm surprised she went
near the black licorice. I guess Injuns are out of favor this week. - Just add it to the
thank you note, please. - At this point it's a thank you novella. I needed another pen. - Okay, everyone, this last rehearsal needs to
be in real time. Max and Leon, you gotta be
on point with those set changes. Max, did you replace the Kwanzaa props. - Yeah, Leon's been a great help. We do have a problem though. We can't find the menorah
for the Hanukkah skit. - Oh, no, did you check backstage? Maybe they just got lost in the shuffle. - Yeah, we looked everywhere. There's an old wooden on out back. We're gonna have to repaint it though, somebody wrote curse words all over it. (group laughing) - Alright, it'll just have to do.
- Santa's group, do we
have all three elves back? - Yes, and we've been given
equal status to the big guy. - [Erin] Good, anything else? - Ms. Evans, I have an issue. - [Erin] Okay, Kelly,
what can I help you with? - Okay, well last night
when I got my phone back I had 382 angry text messages. All because someone had
spammed my entire contact list with a message saying, and I quote, to accept Jesus Christ,
our Lord and Savior, son of the one true God, Jehovah, and be welcomed in the kingdom of H
eaven. End quote. And, and to make I
worse, he didn't abbreviate, so each message was like two pages long, which would have used up all my minutes except I have a really good plan. - Is that why my phone's locked up? - Yes. - There's no price that can be placed on the entry to the kingdom of God. - There is a price for
obnoxious text messages. You will reimburse every
penny they were charged. - [Wally] Yes, ma'am. - And from now on you will observe a separation of church and theater. - Does this
mean we're
cutting our Christ segment? - No, of course not. Christ is a key part of
our holiday celebration. - Praise be! - As are Kwanzaa and Hanukkah. Well, of course, Wally won't do it again. - Honestly, I can't say how or
when the spirit will move me. I'm merely a vessel for Christ's love. - Can't you just leave
it home for one night? - Ms. Evans, my phone is my lifeline. It comforts me and lets
me know I'm not alone. - I know someone who's
all of that and more! - What did we just talk abou
t? Okay, if I make an
exception just this one time, do you promise to leave your
phone on silent and hidden even when the curtain is closed. - Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! ♪ Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you ♪ (phone beeping) - Kelly just tweeted she
gets to keep her phone. (phone beeping) - And updated her MyFace. She's in a relationship with her phone, and it's complicated. (phone beeping) (Melissa laughing) - She just left 10 second ago. (phones beeping) - [Wally] Oh, no, this is not goo
d! - [Erin] What is it, Wally? - She just posted a doctored photo of me! Oh, it's horrible! (group laughing) - Wow, Wally. - I wish I didn't see that. - That's how you share
Jesus' love in your vessel? - Wow. - Can you really do that with a crown of thorns and rosary beads? - Ms. Evans, can we please take five? I need to wash my eyes out with acid. - Yes, Ginny, I think that is a good idea. We will start the opening
number in 10 minutes. Wally, I think you should just take this, I don't feel so.
.. - [Wally] Oh, dear Lord, not again! (body thumping) (whimsical music) - You will make it through tonight. Body be damned, you will
make it through tonight! (solemn music) - Are you sure you're ready for this? - Yes, this is the payoff
for all of our hard work. I'm ready! Alright, everyone, before
the full chaos of tonight, I just wanna thank
everyone for their hard work. We've had some bumps, but I know this is going to be a great show. Alright, we are on in
10, so let's get ready. - Jeremy,
do you have my costume? - Yes, it just needs a few small tweaks. You're going to be the
sassiest Mary since Marla Gibbs. - Jeremy, she is going to be the lady that we all know, right? And by lady, I don't mean the Gaga variety. - No, but for the spring show I was thinking that maybe we could... She will be fully frocked, and her outfit will not
be made of food products. - No stilettos or platforms, correct? - Yes, I read the no-no list! Although, I really think that body latex should be on a cas
e by case basis. But I digress. I really must get back to work. - Jeremy, I am putting my faith in your vision of the Mother Mary. - Yes, yes, of course. Mother Mary she will be. - She won't resemble her, will she? - I had to accept that weeks ago just so I could start the healing process. - Well, can't you like stop him? Like make him use the original costume. - It's most likely ferret litter by now. Be strong, I'll say a prayer for you. - Paul? - Uh, yes, Ms. Evans? - Is that a flask you're we
aring? - What? Oh, how did that get there. - I thought so. Give that to Wally and go get your belt. - Give, give. Give! (lighthearted music) - Evil-lyn asked me to give this to you. She said hydration is key, so. - She made us go dig out her special chair. - Well, I can't think of a rehearsal that she didn't send something. - Well, it's too bad this performance is probably gonna kill her, you could probably
thank her after the show. - Well, okay everybody, this is it. Find your places and break
legs! (people chattering faintly) - Well, at least now I can see what Ms. Evans has been up to. - Where are my pills? Where are my glasses? Where am I? - We are in the theater. Your glasses are on
top of your foolish head. And here are your pills. - Where are the rest of them? I had a full bottle, I
got them two days ago. - You must have taken them already. - [Saul] Where am I? - [Audience Member] Shh! (audience applauding) - Slant-eyes! Tar babies! And Christ-killers! - Oh, my. (lighthearted mu
sic) - Where's Jim? - No one's seen him. - Oh no, how are we supposed to do the manger scene without Joseph? Oh my God, this is going
to be a total disaster. - Ah! - Wait, I've got an idea. Just hold the curtain a moment. - Oh! Ah! (lighthearted Christmas music) And now we join the postpartum elation! (audience applauding) (audience member coughing) - Who are you and where is Joseph? - Um. Um. Um, Joe couldn't make it. He had to take a holy crap (laughing). I'm Dude, his cousin. - Oh. - Really?
- [Max] Yeah, so. - Behold, I come to see
the child of prophecy. I come bearing gifts of
gold, frankincense, and myrrh. - Thank you for your generous offering. - What the hell kinda gifts are those? - Excuse me? - Well, gold I can understand. You're settin' the kid up
for his college fund and all, but incense, I mean, really? I mean, it's kind of thoughtless. (audience member clapping) (audience member coughing) - And what did you bring for
the son of God, cousin Dude? - Um. I brought the gift o
f delicate and flavorful MSG-free ingredients. And heavenly. - Heavenly! - Heavenly combination of spices and herbs, along with entrees. Such as sesame chicken. - Sesame chicken! - The (faint speaking). - Hey, that's our menu! - Shh, our food never sounded so good! - I hope they say the
name of the restaurant. - Shh! - Special sauce! - It's really good - Well, your generous gift of yummy food is much
appreciated, cousin Dude. - Perhaps the perfume
of myrrh will help balance the scent of the succ
ulent stir-fry? - Oh, just give it up. - Well, I'm sure that both
of your gifts will benefit... - [Max] Jesus H. Christ! - Yes, that is his name! - No, no, that was an exclamation. That friggin' spotlight
is burning out my retina! - Behold, the star of Bethlehem! The very light that guided
us to our Savior, baby Jesus! - Oh God, how could he have ever survived without your precious gifts? You know what? Maybe the incense was useful at the end. Yeah, I mean... - What are you talking about? - Thin
k about it. They probably could have
used it to cover up the stench from him baking and
rotting up there on the cross. (audience applauding) - Well, Dude, I'm sure
that your really thoughtful take-out menu would have
came in handy if they've invented telephones and
computers and automobiles! - Hey! Hey, man, come on! Dude loves you, man! Come on, let's hug this out! (audience applauding)
(lighthearted Christmas music) - He's a big jolly figure of fame. He knows all the good
and bad children's na
mes. A glimpse of the man brings a big smile. Hangs with the dwarves,
but he's no pedophile. Lives in a place called the North Pole. For behavior modification,
he plays a big-ass role! A tantrum or fight will always pause by the mere mention of
the all-seeing Santa Claus. (peaceful music) (curtain rasping) - Merv, I'm syncing the naughty list. We're going green this year, so get jars of ethanol
to put in their stockings. - Yes! - Santa, we have great stock this year. For girls in the 3-9 demogra
phic, doll houses complete with solar paneling and smart bulbs. - For boys, we have the new
CEO Charles action figure, complete with reversible
business-slash-track suit! - Nice - And for the 10 to 13
gender-neutral bracket, we've developed a cool new MMORPG designed to subliminally train them
to be future business giants. - Excellent work, team! Sounds like we've got the next generation of the wealthy elite covered. - We certainly do, partner! - (clearing throat) Great. So, what else? - I'm afr
aid we used all
our budget, uh, magic, making toys for our generous constituents. There's nothing left for the
two billion little scroungers. - Well, they'll just have
to fend for themselves. It would be irresponsible of us to support a system that rewards
the lazy and unmotivated. - Yeah - You know, sir, we do have warehouses full of old hobby horses. - Ho, ho, ho! Excellent idea, Nobbin! Offload depreciated inventory
as a charitable tax credit. (Santa laughing) And they'll learn early
the grue
ling reality of expending a lot of
energy to get nowhere. (elves laughing) Get on that, Merv. - Aye aye, Captain Claus! (Santa laughing) (lighthearted music) (curtain rasping) - Next, we honor a holiday with more spellings than a national bee! - Everyone knows that Jews
are more math-oriented, just like your people! - What's matza mean? - What'sa matza you? - I'm jealous of the chosen
people during Hanukkah. - Well, I'm disappointed
that the High Holy Days are a false advertisement! I'm startin'
to feel like
a schmekel up here! - Yeah, I think we're
gonna get boo-mitzvah'd! (curtain rasping) - Yeah, we get eight nights of presents! Oh! But they're all boring and practical. You know last year I
got a pocket protector, twist ties, nasal spray. - What? Eric's always complaining
about his sinuses! - Yeah, being a Jew isn't
all it's cracked up to be. Damn, I wish I was a Christian! But, it's not all about
bogus gifts and lame games. The menorah is a very important
part of our holiday season
. - Why does he have a lighter in his hand? - He's always got a lighter,
even in the bathroom. It's weird. - He's about to light the menorah. - But why would he do that? We painted the flames on the prop. - Yeah, Jameel has a habit
of setting things on fire. - And a great disdain for religion. - Oh, no, we gotta stop him! - Leon, get the fire extinguisher. It's probably got one charge left. - Worst case, he'll just nip his fingers. - No, you don't understand,
Leon just painted the prop. It's hig
hly flammable! - The shamash is used to
light each of the candles. - No! (flame roaring) (Jameel screaming) Oh my God, somebody needs to help him! Somebody needs to help him! (dramatic music) - Hey, that's my medicine! - No, no, Leon, not Paul's mug. That thing is filled with pure alcohol! (fire roaring) (Jameel screaming) - Burn, heathen fire-bug, burn! (laughing) - Go to the Shame Stool! (fire extinguisher hissing) (people chattering) - What a freak show. A pyro, a mama's boy, an alcoholic, a
retard, and a queer. - Well, we are celebrating diversity. And seriously, man, I'm not retarded! (group giggling) - Let's see, mismatched shoes, a belt that looks like it
was conceived in the '80s, and a rug that the Don would
be too embarrassed to wear. - So I'm color blind and poor, and sometimes my clothes don't match. I didn't think anybody
noticed the hair piece. - Jeremy, there's no
reason to be that unkind. - Honey, what's unkind
is that we're letting him walk around with this
ratty snatc
h on his head. That's what's unkind! I'm not unkind. I'm fierce! Ooh, work. Oh, what, am I the only one around here that watches Project Runway reruns? - [Guys] Yes. - Oh, well, you know what? I dread the tacky treasures that are festering in your closets! - I'd like to see what's in your closet. Must be getting pretty
damned cramped in there. - Oh, oh you, you bitch! (hand slapping) - Stop, stop! This shit stops now! I don't give a flying fuck
who does what with who as long as it doesn't
interf
ere with this show! You don't like each other, deal with it! You put your big boy pants
on and grow the fuck up! I am tired of dealing
with this petty bullshit! We have three skits
left after intermission. You can last that long
without killing each other, right? - Ms. Evans, we don't have an intermission. - What? (people chattering) - This isn't in the program. - Maybe it's a bonus scene. - I don't get it. - That's because your
ignorant and unimaginative. Clearly it's about the American
family
behind closed doors. The facade of nicety
falls revealing the truth of tension and seething hatred. - At least in China we're upfront about it! Drown or abandon them from the start. Done. - I miss Poon. - She would have only dragged you down. - They've just been
staring at a closed curtain. Oh my God. And Mrs. Whitelove? - I think we're gonna need a crowbar to pry her arms off the armrest. - And the audience has
just been sitting there? Why haven't we heard them? - They're listening. - What? - O
ur mics, we're live. - Get the fucking set changed now. Everyone on their marks, and everyone else off the stage. Get that fucking bottle
of water to Mrs. Whitelove. - Alright, you guys heard her. Everyone out! (solemn music) - So, party's over? - Booze is probably all gone. - Oh. (audience applauding) (lighthearted music) - Holiday cards for one and for all. Decorations and
displays are up before fall. A billion dollar niche done in a big way. Stores bank their year on one single day. - [Max] M
rs. Whitelove. (curtain rasping) - What a dick! - Brr, we sure caught a cold one this year. - Yeah, thank God for wetsuits! Who says surfing gear
is only for the summer? - Totally, and what other outfit are you actually supposed to pee in? (group chuckling) - Uh, yeah, you know that
only works in the water, right? - Shows what you know! I've been toasty since yesterday afternoon. - Totally, man. - And we don't have to lose our place in line to find a bathroom. - And speaking of nature calling. (
urine gurgling) - Ew! - Time for a refill. - Hey, guys, how you doin' over there? Keeping warm? Yeah, just got this little guy yesterday. EBay score. I may have to return it, though. - Hold on, you're gonna sell the hot new gift item of the year? - Maybe. It seems Uncle Shawn beat me to the punch and got my princess one already. So I'll just have to get her that new genius phone slash audio reader. She'll never have to think again! - How much do you want for it? - I'll outbid him by $150. - I'll
have sex with you. - For that, I'll have sex with you. - No thanks, since the divorce, I've done pretty well without
begging, weeping, or bribery. - Seriously, what do you want? Drugs, money? - Drug money? - Nothin's really jumpin' out at me. - You know, all we have to do is jump him and grab it from him. (phone dinging) - What's this? - Risk recall, what the hell? This isn't part... Milton Price, maker of Hot New Toy, announces a possible software glitch? - Turning Hot New Thing
2.01 into a fi
ghting machine! Engaging (dramatic
whooshing) Chuck Norris Mode. - [All] Chuck Norris Mode? (fist thumping) - Ow! (fist thumping) (Brian grunting) (hand thumping) (knee thumping) (Carl screaming) - Threat neutralized. Disengage Chuck Norris Mode. (dramatic whooshing) - I, uh, I, don't... - Wetsuits weren't made for solids. (Brian groaning) - Ew! - Ron Jeremy Mode fully
engaged. (dramatic dinging) (Melissa giggling) - Ooh! (curtain rasping) - Yo, yo, yo, White-T in the house! Catholics are guilty
and Jews are neurotic. Doc Karenga believed
the Jeez was psychotic. So, he made up this brandy new holiday. For my people to honor
our culture and ways. In yo face, old man whitey,
tryin' to keep us all slaves. And a big fuck yeah to
da Prez of the States! Peace out, my niggas. (melancholy music) (Erin crying) - Whew. (people chattering) - What happened to the Kwanzaa set? - You wanted a realistic
African-American experience. So I just brought a few
things from the halfway house. - Well, I hope
our Kenyan
kin appreciate the homey feel. - Yes, I'm sure Auntie Saundra will feel right at home in our luxurious apartment. Oh my God, I just saw a
cockroach, it's so disgusting! (knocking on door) Oh, Auntie Saundra's here! Won't you join us? Away from the couch. - What is she wearing? - Slim pickins from the laundry room. It was either this or hooker finery. - Did you bring me a present? - Those look like our takeout bags. - Yes, one of those gay theater people came to pick up food this afte
rnoon. - I hope they say the
name of the restaurant. It's free advertising.
- Thank you, Auntie Saundra. That was very thoughtful! - Shut up! I'm trying to listen. - Right, honey? - Uh, yes, such abundance. - Kwanzaa means first
fruits of the harvest. - Yes, harvest, like the harvest of tobacco for these cancer sticks,
and hops for this liver poison. - I thought that only lazy white people ordered Chinese during the holidays? - Don't be racist. - We open our celebration to all races. - Except Mu
slims, of course. Terrorists. We light the candle in our
Kinara first to celebrate unity. (speaking in foreign language) - She's speaking in tongues! - Yeah, your mother's tongue. That was the word for unity in Swahili. - Ain't my mother's tongue. She ain't said but 40 words. Eight of them I ain't supposed to repeat. - Well, that was fun. Celebrating the spirit and
victory of the black man. Right on! Gosh, that really worked up an appetite. - Oh, Auntie Saundra, won't you join us for our traditi
onal feast
of soul food? (giggling) - What's so funny? - Soul-soul food. Seoul, like the city. - Well, honey, Seoul is
the capital of South Korea. - China, Korea, tomato, tomato! - Is she stereotyping us? - Isn't she Asian? - Her parents are probably
from Southeast Asia. Dirty Laos. - Oh, look, honey, your favorite! - Mmm, yum, I love colored greens! - Our dignified display of the
African-American celebration just flushed to the filthy,
infested gutter of the ghetto. - You wanted diversity and t
rue life. Well, diversity lives in the ghetto. Besides, this is swanky
compared to my family gatherings. - Leon, cousin, brother,
come celebrate with us. This is as much a
celebration for you as it is us. Come, sip from the unity cup. It's good. (Leon coughing) This is a holiday for everyone. After all, we are all brothers and sisters. - What is he doing? - Are we not? - I think he's trying to
rally a support of unity. - Oh, God. Alright, quick, get everybody on stage. The show's shot to shit an
yway. - We can all celebrate the holidays. All of us. - Max, thank you for you kindness. - I'm just glad that the
water seems to be helping. (curtain rasping) I gotta go, you gonna be okay? - Yes, I just need to regain my strength. The water really helped. - Oh, Ms. Evans thought you could use it. - Wait, this isn't the same
bottle I gave you is it? - Yes, ma'am, it is. - [Evelyn] You've killed me! - What's wrong, are you
having a heart attack? - I'm about to! Quick, get a nurse! - Of course, ri
ght away. (Evelyn coughing) Where was I going? We're at a theater,
we're about to see a play. - Is that everybody? - Everybody I could find. I interrupted some fraternizing. - Okay, let's just get Dean
to cue the outro music. (happy music) ♪ Holidays, holidays ♪ ♪ Holidays, oh, holidays ♪ ♪ Holi, holi, holidays ♪ ♪ Holi, holi, holi, holidays ♪ ♪ We've come together to showcase ♪ ♪ Traditions of religion and race ♪ (Evelyn coughing) ♪
That aren't as different ♪ As we're led to believe ♪ By the pr
opaganda media of society ♪ ♪ With Jews or Christians, black or white ♪ ♪ Gay or straight, dame or dyke ♪ ♪ We're all different yet still alike ♪ ♪ At the Holidays ♪ ♪ I found a family ♪ ♪ A place where I belong ♪ ♪ They don't care if I once did wrong ♪ ♪ Our lives entwined ♪ ♪ Our bond is strong ♪ ♪ It feels like home without the shame ♪ ♪ Trying to live up to a famous name ♪ ♪ Here I can be myself, to hell with fame ♪ ♪ So, fuck you, Mom, and
your psycho mind games ♪ Yeah. ♪ Holidays, holidays
♪ ♪ Holidays, oh, holidays ♪ ♪ Holi, holi, holidays ♪ ♪ Holi, holi, holi, holidays ♪ ♪ Ms. Evans, and Wally,
Max, Leon, Bud and Dean ♪ ♪ Making it all happen behind the scenes ♪ ♪ They scramble and
struggle to get it done clean ♪ ♪ Forgiving all our hijinks ♪ ♪ Silly, careless, obscene ♪ ♪ We formed friendships ♪ ♪ We found romance ♪ ♪ I found Jesus ♪ - I can't find my pants! ♪ Holidays, holidays ♪ ♪ Holidays, oh, holidays ♪ ♪ Love and laugh, embrace your jollies ♪ ♪ And go in peace from
the Fa
irfield Follies ♪ - Macbethed - Ev, wake up, you don't wanna miss this. Well, suit yourself,
you miserable old bitch. I never liked your shows either. We're about to see a play. (peaceful music) (pepper spray hissing) (Bob screaming) (audience applauding) - It looks like she's had a heart attack! - She should have taken my pill. - Where are the rest
of your pills, Mr. Jenkins? We just filled this
prescription the other day. - Ask Ev, she was holding them for me. - Mrs. Whitelove has passed, Saul
. - Wind? (Carl laughing) (peaceful music) (people chattering faintly) (audience applauding) - Jeremy, Jeremy, you were so great! You were so great! Seeing you gives me the
courage to - to come out! - That's great, Wally,
but I'm not actually gay. - But I am! (Carl and Wally grunting) (melancholy music) (lighthearted music) - You laughed. Some of you did. (pepper rattling) - [Brian] I'm not retarded! (bell dinging)
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