[Music] it seems to that all you see is violence movies andx but where those good old fashioned failures we [Music] us laugh and [Music] cry [Music] Stewie what are you doing up leis had three lattes and a bottle of wine today so her breast milk was basically a speed ball you I'm writing the last two months I've really gotten my eye together I stopped drinking and I'm about to self-publish a book none of the big boys bit huh no it's fine I'm actually at a point in my life where I don't need exte
rnal validation I'm just proud of accomplishing my goal that's great I'm happy for you even if your privilege is showing privilege I worked hard white agility much Brian okay maybe I've had certain advantages but how how it's not our job to solve your problems pal do the work our I who are you even talking about well not you you big honky Karen I'm just I'm just riding you jock pry that's amazing you wrote a book well thanks you know I'm having a little publishing party on Thursday I'd love it i
f you could come yeah uh Rupert do we have anything on Thursday okay then looks like we're good to go awesome all right Stewie I'm going to go get some shut ey wait I think fast you dope now we have to go you can't oh now you have something on Thursday Griffin what are you doing oh hey Preston I'm glad you're here I'm about to test a prototype for desk pen top will need to be bouncy anyway what can I do you for I'm sorry to say I have some bad news well that was tough to hear sir but thanks for
giving it to me straight I haven't even told you yet Stella will be gone for 6 weeks she's taking a bereavement leave her husband died okay Peter you got 6 weeks to lose 100b and get divorced let's do this no Peter it was her cat employees now get 6 weeks to mourn the loss of a pet it's our way of saying your animal died so thanks hang on let me get this straight if your pet dies you get 6 weeks off yes let's see how long you'll last with no breaks Brian H breaks [Music] out nice try Peter fortu
nately you can stop a Prius by cupping the [Applause] [Music] wind hello and welcome to Cog books all we ask is that you please don't see what you want in here and then just order it from Amazon on your phone and now reading from his new book Chasing my tail tail is spelled t a l e not like the thing on my butt please welcome author Brian Griffin thank you so much for being here to celebrate my book being published self-published why are you even here just a hunch please proceed my mother was a
huge [ __ ] and I lost my virginity at 6 months old oh I'm sorry I should have told you first I'm a dog so I turned to Fran libowitz and said I may have been born in a litter but I'm definitely not trash then she put on my jeans and left and so as the sweet mango flavor hit my lungs for the last time I placed the vape pen on Nelson Mandela's grave and knew that we were both now in a sense finally free the beginning thank you thank you God that took forever I know I got to go the twins have a vol
leyball game there you go Sheamus thanks I'll put it right on my shelf hey thanks so much for coming Stewie of course what a night I mean most authors wouldn't have read the whole book I just felt it from the crowd you know anyway it means everything to have you here so thanks again oh another hand for Brian Griffin and if the eight of you could somehow buy a quarter of a million dollars worth wor of books tomorrow I won't have to marry a man I've never loved thank [Music] you excuse me could yo
u please direct me to the about to die section sure right this way we have this snake who's tying himself into a noose this near-death gerbal dibs and I'll take his cardboard tube too I snoozed and I lost you've heard of a Japanese fighting fish this is a Japanese honorable suicide fish he got fired 8 months ago and hasn't told his family he spends all day in a suit riding the train too much backstory we also have a very old parrot or you can kill my mother for money what I said we have a very o
ld parrot why did you hear something else you'd be open to family may I kindly introduce you to our ticket to 6 weeks bereavement leave in lovely Puerto Vata an 80y old parrot I call him Gonzo cuz of a muppet show and also cuz soon he gone Peter I don't want some elderly bird crapping all over the house fine if I can't have the parrot you can only have one pink Razor in the shower at a time you can have your bird oh you smell that Brian first fire of the Season it won't be long before the leaves
start changing and the sap starts flowing let's just look around and take in the pageantry of autumn Chris Bonnie's gone to bed she's not going to open her curtains again just take your dump and let's go hey check it out a little Free Library how white people make giving away their trash seem like generosity what the is this my book this is the copy I gave to Stewie why did he even bring it home is our friendship worth nothing to him I'm going to go home and give him oh Bonnie opened her [Laugh
ter] curtains sounds like somebody's having fun Joe I thought that was you ah goodness no pass me a Michael kryon she's going to be a while does this look familiar Stewie it's the culmination of my life's work and it was in the little Free Library being given away what that's so weird man so how'd it end up there I don't know some liberal cuck Marie condo is Loft well it's your copy so you tell me oh that's ridiculous my copy is right here on my bookshelf what not there huh no it isn't this is i
nsane oh is it let me check my security footage crazy man the footage is gone how did you even know when to check I didn't tell you when I found it all the footage is gone somebody must have blown a Jammy down at Central and fried the whole grid total zapino just admit you got rid of my book Brian not only did I not give away your book I'm launching an investigation and I'm going to nail the guy who did it uh-huh and maybe it's more than one guy maybe it's a ring a deep ring I can only penetrate
by nailing a bunch of guys wait you are you still talking about my book oh yeah maybe it's too many guys for me and I have to bring in a private dick close the door on your way out Brian I need privacy to think about dicks for hire [Music] thanks Jerome but I got this so cool yeah you know I only bought Gonzo just to die and go on vacation but now we're having a Time Of Our Lives he's like the son I never had his language is so weird it sounds like anger repressed sexuality and a pig being shot
by a paintball Peter that's German how do you know well I speak German I went on an exchange trip in high school and for some reason my parents never bought the airfare back cool we can communicate with him Joe ask Gonzo where he's from Gonzo comes to is for the 1942 in dorf Gabor Heist Adolf Hitler I heard in 1942 Peter he just said his owner was Adolf Hitler well that can't be right Hitler had a what now look it's [Music] him he said that's me I remember that Peter your bird is a Nazi I can't
be right uh Nazi w a cracker Nazi w a cracker oh my God you're right wow good thing you know German Joe yeah just so you know the German culture has very different Notions of what's cool to do sexually so whatever happened over there was completely normal and I don't think about it during Quiet Moments Joe nine [ __ ] n moaka i mean uh crazy about Peter's Bird [Music] right Stewie I know you gave my book Away what is this everyone on our street has a ring camera hello I'm back you guys were rig
ht murdering strangers is better than paying my credit card bill okay fine Brian you caught me I got rid of the book you forced me to take after you imagined me into coming to your reading well what the hell ske I sat through your reading I said congratulations I talk the book where do my obligations end obligations are you so narcissistic you can't do one small thing for me I'm narcissistic you're the one who needs your book on display in my room oh sorry it's such a chore to literally just kee
p a book on a bookshelf okay all right even though I only have ebooks here's your stupid Book on a shelf like it's 1958 did you even read the inscription yes what did it say from one hard body to another to every author's dream reader and a true kindred spirit you lit the flame that ignited my soul my best friend my inspiration and the only person who truly gets me I owe you everything B Edward Griffin your initials are big oh hey Lois you know I just remembered that thing I wanted to tell you b
efore um you ever heard of Adolf Hitler yes well fun trivia Gonzo was Adolf Hitler's bird what Panda if you knew that why the hell did you bring that bird to Meg's performance of sound of musicin KN links he saying they're behind the Big Stone to the left Min links Bo links he's saying my left not stage left you're getting warmer what the parrot started it it's not his fault Lois he's just repeating what he was taught by Hitler yeah that's like 40% of America right now Peter if you don't get rid
of that bird I'm calling Animal Control you do that and I'll make you pay how you ever hear a revenge porn Lois Peter if you did that then everyone would see a penis I retract my threat please strike it from the record I'll strike it if I can find it you have any tweezes no I don't have any oh ha look at us restoring a classic car yep 2004 Saturn Ion this baby captures all the glory of my youth Shrek 2 was the number one movie Dane Cook made Myspace the place to be and lime wire helped you bank
rupt your favorite bands what a year sorry I don't mean to interrupt I just want to throw out my laptop since I won't be writing anymore oh come on Brian don't be dramatic dramatic me Pasa just abandoning my lifelong dream since even my best friend can't support me so you'll get getting rid of all your photos too no I downloaded those to an external hard drive well how are you going to watch movies in bed my phone couldn't you also still write in the notes app on your phone I deleted that app ok
ay but couldn't you still write using pen and paper I I'm sorry to keep pushing back on this it just feels like throwing away the laptop is is just unnecessary you got your wish Stewie I quit you'll never have to worry about keeping one of my books again come on Brian be reasonable that wasn't my intention too bad goodbye dream okay last objection I swear but that's actually supposed to go in a SE collection for ew which is the last Friday of every month it's [Applause] fine laptop laptop [Music
] laptop there he is the genius getting his in spell what do you want look here's the thing Brian I actually did like your book yeah right I did me too yeah what'd you like about it you wrote about kibble with a lot of passion uh-huh you described a lot of trees and you also let us know which ones were steadfast which was a surprisingly high percentage of them it's pointless I've given writing my whole life and I can't even get 10 people to come to a reading hell I've been playing this game for
20 years and I can't even get to level two really that game is like very easy just get out of here and leave me alone forever Chris I can see his gums we' better go this is terrible we have to help him I have a great idea what is it oh oh no not for this Netflix for guns Stewie you're going to be a trillionaire perhaps we can lift Brian out of his Funk if we get his book on the New York Times bestseller list it would only take 1,500 copies that's it yes and a lot of celebrities actually make the
list by buying their own books wait are you telling me that some of Donald Trump Junior's success isn't based on Merit alone yes I am saying that still we can't afford to buy that many copies but ree Witherspoon's manager just got back to me about her book club Stewie this could be huge every alcoholic housewife in this country does whatever Reese Witherspoon says unfortunately Reese's only interests are crawdads and long hikes so she's happily passing no regrets no I'm glad her husband Jim to
failed at quibby reportedly straining their Hollywood super marriage don't be nasty Chris okay plan C what's that use Lois as account to buy three copies on Amazon that'll get Brian in the top 20 of Amazon's K9 non-fiction under 60 Pages category oh great all you have to do is Click which of these are crosswalks to prove you're not a robot uh you do it come on Chris you you're you're not actually a robot are you identity compromised abort Mission greetings sibling I am Chris 2.0 with crosswalk u
pdate oh pH okay well it's refreshed and now now it needs you to identify stop signs if you will excuse [Music] me so what do you want to watch Nazi bird Fox quick Gonzo we got to [Music] go Rabbi Goldstein Peter Griffin I'm sorry am I bothering you now it's fine I'm just practicing circumcision on a kosher hot dog how can I help you I bought this parrot used and turns out he's Adolf Hitler's old pet and what do you want from me well a word is out and a bunch of people want to kill him and I was
thinking maybe if you said he's okay maybe they back off to seek Vengeance or to forgive such a dilemma let us see what it says in the Torah Torah what's that our sacred Scrolls Oh I thought those was rolls of Bry my friend friend your bird is Jewish he only pretended to be a Nazi to survive the war Gonzo is Jewish Peter you have done a wonderful thing we must celebrate with Sam matah as we say Lam to life pretty dry I think Gonzo lost his h oh look at you Brian back in the saddle well it's lik
e Ray Bradbury said you only fail if you stop writing that's a really healthy attitude for someone who just failed well it turns out my book actually did find an audience right now it's number nine on Amazon's mangi mammal Memoirs list who the hell used my Amazon account to order three copies of Brian's book oh boy great so now after having insulted me you've deceived to me oh thanks so much pal why do you even care you're the one who said you don't need external validation of course that was a
lie all I care about is external validation I'm a dog good boy is literally the best thing you can say to me and the fact that even my best friend doesn't want a free copy of my book is is devastating don't you talk to me about devastating what do you mean don't you understand Brian I only got rid of the book because I was jealous of you jealous why because you set out to do something and you did it unlike me and my ghost every time I walked by your book it was a reminder of all that I haven't a
ccomplished I know I'm supposed to be happy for you but when you succeed all it does is make me feel bad about myself and you made me feel really bad then I guess I really succeeded you did Big Time I'm proud of you Brian Good Boy Thanks Stewie now please never do anything again friends friends still it' be nice to sell a few books to have anyone know my name yeah you ever heard of Kirker Butler Julius sharp Cherry Chiva prava dumrong Chris Regan David Goodman artti Johan Patrick Megan Mike desi
t or Gary janetti they're all Family Guy writers who've written books and no one's ever heard of them Gary janetti kind of rings a bell yeah he's got a popular Instagram so he kind of broke through but the rest of them bunch of bitter emess losers has Seth McFarland ever written a book oh yeah how it do a signed copy is cheaper than a new [Music] one thank you everybody for coming today Chris would like to say a couple words death came with friendly care the opening Bud to Heaven conveyed and ba
ited Blossom Fair Samuel Taylor [Music] colid e dad you could have at least flushed before you put him in there we all grieve in our own ways these are our church shoes everybody in the tub please don't forget to sign the guest [Music] book [Music] it seems to all you see is violence movies andx onv where it those good old fashioned values we us [Music] to there it is you guys the best roller coaster in all a cohar the League of Extraordinary married Gentlemen The Ride you know I think they kind
of figured that movie was going to turn out to be bigger than it was oh come on Lois it'll be awesome it simulates all the fun of of um what what was it now like it was like a like a tall guy in a black hat and a cape or something yeah yeah and there was the guy with the mask who wore a mask and one guy had an umbrella yeah and I believe he opened it at one point yeah and it wasn't overly long yeah not not overly long sorry sir there's a waight limit on this coaster oh really what's the limit t
he rule is you can't look hilarious on this motor scooter I'm sorry there's just no [Music] way big news out of Six Flags Columbus today as they unveil what promises to be the largest roller coaster in the United States that's right Joyce they call it the Holocaust the ride has several Jewish groups up in arms as they go over the first rise no I'm I'm kidding they're they're actually pretty upset wow I had heard about the Holocaust but I never believed it till right now I have to ride that ride
Peter come on they're not going to let you ride that ride either you're overweight yeah if you want to ride that roller coaster you're going to have to go on a diet a diet huh all right well how's that work well I suppose you can start by keeping a food journal like Quagmire does yeah in fact I got it right here today I ate peaches Ginger honey candy Olive you know what this is the wrong list all right if that's what it takes to ride that ride I am going on a diet and I'm not stopping till I loo
k as good as my great aunt legs go all the way up Griffin hey baby do those legs go all the way up why yes they do ah oh my God you're a monster come back my legs are shaved like a little [Music] girl hey what do you got there Peter rice cakes never had one but somebody told me this is a really good way to stat a diet who who could think of such a horri thing we know you not like rice cakeice no one [Music] rakes all right Peter the most important thing when you're on a diet is willpower now I'm
going to put this steaming pie on the window sill to cool now no matter how many beckoning fingers that steam morphs into or how badly it tries to sneak its way up your nose I want you to resist the urge to levitate off the ground and Float towards the pie doesn't seem too hard all right go stand over there I now you're down no no you can't go in there no no stay out of there that's my special area no stop I'm saying no what kind of pie is this Peter it's making me watch Peter I don't understan
d why we have to drive all the way to Ohio to ride a stupid roller coaster yeah besides they're still not going to let you on you haven't actually lost any weight oh I think my live figure would suggest otherwise a girdle is not a substitute for weight loss Peter hey I'm riding at roller coaster and that's all there is to it now let's get out of here this thing's squishing my organs [Music] around there it is kids Columbus Ohio now remember there are no rules about who can wear stretch pants her
e so you're going to see some pretty shocking things Brian is this our vacation yeah oh are we trash kind of [Music] oh I'm sorry sir you're too fat to ride the coaster oh darn it yeah why don't you go back to your pond hippo how about me sir am I too fat to ride no you don't seem to be well you got to hand it to him he had a dream and he made it happen that's what the R Brothers did so how's your boyfriend oril doing exboyfriend if you don't mind and who cares he's probably off in a barn somewh
ere working on a Contraption with that weird brother of his ew ha [ __ ] you're so pretty I miss you well this has given me a lot to think about my son is dead we are going to have to send that family money I know we are Mom I'm hungry can we stop and get some food well I guess it is close to dinner time Chris Joey you hungry what are you looking at you going to propose what yeah exactly what eyes front what the hell looks like it's the radio rator well we're just going to have to find a local m
echanic on a Friday evening I don't think we're going to have any luck till Monday besides probably not a lot of mechanics around here so we're stuck here hey Lois you see that barn out there you know who it was built by by men night well I guess we better see if there's a hotel or something I can't believe we're stuck in Amish Country yeah I thought something was a mish [Music] hey uh excuse me fella yeah we're looking for a room are ye indeed Outsiders we do not see many of your folk in these
parts but we welcome all of God's children in their hour of need well actually I think we need it for more than an hour or do we right Lois I I do not last very [Music] long H creepy what's this it's an Amish doll they're not allowed to have faces has something to do with vanity looks like a crossdressing Cobra Commander who Cobra Commander he's the head of Cobra the bad guys from GI Joe the guys who oddly shout the name of their terrorist organization as they're attacking guys we're under attac
k by who I don't know Cobra oh it's Cobra oh of course look they have the pictures of the snakes on their planes Duke what have I been saying for years what makes a good terrorist organization brand Rec recognition brand recognition mom I can't stay here there's no electricity no telephones it's horrible excuse me I assure you our community is quite Pleasant perhaps I could show thee around okay my name is Eli my parents run the Inn if there's anything we can do to make your room more plain do n
ot be afraid to ask ah we'll be all right hotel in Amish Country can't be any worse than staying in a youth hostel hey I'd like a room uh preferably one where I have to sleep with my bag taped to my body uh we have one where some Italian Backpackers have laid out every item of clothing they own on all of the beds oh perfect will my bunk mates be constantly talking about me in a foreign language yes they will sir oh great uh also I'm going to have some mail delivered here and I wanted to sit in t
hat box for 4 years oh and what street is the bathroom on so what do you do for fun around here we do chores and we watch other people do chores sounds kind of boring alas there are times when I feel as if there is much of life I am missing yeah it'd be tough having no technology I don't think I could live without my iPhone you have an iPhone yeah you've heard of it yes but only because people sometimes search for Amish farms on their iPhones Here Comes one [Music] now thanks for a fun evening E
li and and thanks for being so nice to me I think you are the most fascinating girl I have ever met Meg here I want you to have this your iPhone yes yeah I made you a playlist of songs that I like who is this I am hearing it's alal LaVine why does she shout at me I don't know most of my music I just get pressure to buy thank you for this gift [Music] Meg Eli what are you doing with that Outsider her name is Meg father and I was just showing her our community you stay away from her she will try t
o corrupt you that is not true father Meg is wonderful she is an outsider she does not follow the one true path you are not to see this girl again do you understand I forbid it yes sir now come home at once and as for you I suggest you stay away from my son you [Music] Harlot hey there young one why so sad it's just that I really like this boy but his dad look out sorry there didn't realize how long it had been since old dumper did his business he'll be done soon enough oh maybe not doesn't soun
d like pooping does it sounds more like someone dropping sandwiches off a rooftop Watch Out Below right look like hacky saxs you'll be sorry if you kick him though all righty well he seems to be all done now you have a good oh my goodness he must have gotten into the chicken feed again you'd think they'd know it wasn't in their diet but this is how they find out you you may want to close your [Music] mouth M what's wrong Eli's father Ezekiel said that I can't see him anymore he said I was trying
to corrupt his son he did did he well that does it we are going to teach this town how to dance oh me I'm so sorry I try to talk to Eli's father for you honey but I don't know if it's my place Ezekiel wouldn't listen to you anyway Lois you're a woman these people live in a patriarchal society the only member of our family whose word would carry any weight would be Meg's Father Dad will you talk to Ezekiel will you tell him I'm not trying to corrupt his son please all right I'll do it but don't
expect any Miracles I'm not good with confrontation like when I got stuck behind that giraffe at the ball game yeah nice hit Frozen rope awesome what just happened ground rule double w I couldn't even see it yeah it was something ducks on a pond let's bring him in could you please sit down I am sitting down you sit up I am sitting up but I still can't see a thing it sounds like a you problem let's go socks before we commence with Samuel Fischer's Barn raising let us pray dear Amish Lord thou loo
kth sternly down upon us thine flock even though we did not do anything wrong and have been doing chores like crazy please make us humble and Deliver us more hardship that we may get thick callous hands much larger than other people's and Grant that we become dull like Eric Bana who we have never seen but are just going by reputation because it is your will we solemnly believe that although humans have been around for a million years you feel strongly that they had just the right amount of Techn
ology between 1835 and 1850 not too little not too much please Deliver Us from Thomas Edison the worst human being who ever lived and protect us from those who laugh at our buggies or our hats and Deliver Us from mustaches amen hey uh Ezekiel you must be Mr Griffin look I I know you guys are busy with your bond raising and all but um you know I just wanted to tell you how much my daughter Meg loves your boy Eli I promise you she ain't trying to corrupt him or nothing Mr Griffin with all due resp
ect we live in two different worlds I must do what is best for my son and I have hey how do we know what's going to happen for all we know Meg might want to Amish yourself I had not considered this I was verily preoccupied with Eli's corruption plus it is the time of the month when Eli's mother is on the burlap so what say let the kids give it a [ __ ] perhaps Mr Griffin perhaps good now on another note I noticed you don't have a damn lick of Music in this town we do not believe in such entation
s well I am about to change your mind introducing rock and roll I'm on a high way to Hell highway to hell I'm on the you are banished from our community at once and take your [ __ ] daughter with you how did it go Dad very well Meg my recollection is that it went extremely well really oh my god dad that's fantastic so I can see Eli again Griffins what's going on here your family must leave our community and return to the outside world Dad what's happening I thought you talked to him stop please
whatever your quarrel is with my husband I'm sure it's probably Justified but I'm begging you don't punish the children for it innocent in all this innocent are they I found this in Eli's cornhole well I his what a compartment in Eli's room where he stores his corn oh well okay whatever you say look Ezekiel we would love to go back to the city believe me I I haven't had a drink in 3 days but our car broke down we we can't go anywhere until it gets fixed I have arranged to have that taken care of
that's right it's going to be so frustrating I know these horses are so slow SE sexy goodbye Abraham Lincoln [Music] people I'm sorry Meg Eli was the best boy I'll ever meet and now I'll never see him again yes you will Meg Eli Eli what are you doing here I could not let you leave without me Meg I love you I love you too hey Lois watch me lay rubber in front of these losers yeah yeah choke on that [Music] nerds Eli I agree that your father was being somewhat unreasonable but I don't think runni
ng away is the answer I know Mrs Griffin and I am sorry but I just could not bear the thought of never seeing Meg again you ever seen one of these Eli it's a kico football game pretty mindblowing huh you know what this is garbage to us what the hell is that holy crap who did this it must have been my father this is how the Amish declare a feud but I thought they were nonviolent we are but Peter must have really pissed off my dad hey who R the leaves and look somebody mowed the lawn I was suppose
d to do that ha I have done your chores to rub you of the joy of doing chores you bastard Peta we don't have a choice we've got to bring fly back oh no we don't what are you talking about we can't be part of a feud with the Amish I didn't start this thing Lois but I'm going to finish [Music] it Joe Go Round Up Quagmire and all the modern day technology you can find we are going to war oh oh hey Bonnie is Joe there well can I leave a message for him yeah yeah it's what I said before about the the
the war thing [Music] all right men this is it technology versus old timey wooden stuff let's hit them hard what again was the nature of your beef with them I don't know something about a roller coaster let's go [Music] apples [Music] fire Quilters [Music] advance I bet this hurts so much oh damn it I'm bleeding oh now it's an AIDS quilt suck on this you furry little [Music] [Music] [Music] weirdos enough of this crap Ezekiel call off your boys and let you and me finish this manto man indeed pr
epare for a goodly [Music] [Applause] beating dad stop leave him alone father what are you doing I am going to kill that man that man is my girlfriend Meg this is against everything our people stand for will you listen to me for one moment you were so worried about these Outsiders coming into our community and corrupting me but look at yourself you're the one who's allowed yourself to be corrupted God in heaven you are right I am deeply ashamed I only wanted to protect you I know you did Father
kiss kiss kiss kiss son it is your life to live I must accept the life you choose I choose to stay here what what Meg you are the most beautiful woman I will ever know you have shown me so many wondrous things that have opened my eyes to the world beyond my home but this is where I belong I'm sorry if this upsets you Meg I love you Eli I'll always love you if this is what you have to do then all I can say is I'll never forget you I am sorry there has been conflict between us allow me to make ame
nds please help yourself to anything in my cornhole hey don't worry about it we can still be Pals and I know just a place for us to go and blow off all his steam we went [Music] K too much passion too [Music] much we went dancing dancing [Music] [Music] Dan seems all you see is movies andx on but old fashioned [Music] [Music] vales laugh and [Music] cry come on Stewie hurry up I want to get good seats I hate going to hear authors read from their work that Dr Seuss reading was Dreadful and when t
he drugs stopped numbing the pain the sex became even more violent it doesn't rhyme the new stuff doesn't rhyme hey there you a big fan of Jonathan Franzen oh my God I worship him yeah yeah of all my writing students he's probably done the best I'm sorry everybody Mr Franzen has informed us he's not coming like most real authors he's too good for this dumb town I hated here well this crowd was promised an author no oh well you I guess I should be getting back to my dorm anyway I've got a short s
tory do for my creative writing class tomorrow oh creative writing huh well if you'd like me to look it over before you turn it in I'd be happy to really that'd be great cool cool I'll follow you in my car come on we're going all right hold on is this what your parents are paying all that tuition for so you can [Music] dogs I'll print up for you what I have so far okay I'm going to go in there with her you just sit out here and be quiet here watch one of her movies or something Charlie St Cloud
and why are there so many fingerprints on this who's handling their Charlie St Cloud DVD all the [Music] time Lois can I have a poptart in bed please Lois hey Chris yeah you think Lois would be okay if I ate a poptart in bed probably probably right Lois you in the bathroom well Mrs Griffin you have three crushed ribs but I was able to stop the internal bleeding doctor this has happened seven times in the last month Peter rolls over in a sleep and almost kills me I see well that sucks look I don'
t do it on purpose well it looks like you got a handle on it then no we don't he practically Smothers me every night well are you hogging the blankets no probably hogging blankets and if he's not smothering me he's keeping me up all night writing with that giant Plum of his dearest Augustine I do hope this latest damp has not aggravated your gray lung matters State Side have taken a tragic turn as this year's gourd crop has fallen prey to a rather unexpected infestation of salt marsh cutworms di
p dip di dip dip Peter it's 4 in the morning come to bed marital concerns continue to beevil [Music] look I'm sorry I wasn't planning on spending all night there look how about if I take you to the park huh come on you like the park right we're about to pass the turnoff here it comes you may take me to the park um excuse me I didn't bring any of my toys can I play with some of yours no mine are you all right I'm fine I I didn't push him back because he has leukemia my name's Penelope what's your
s Stewie I've never seen you around here before I'm new to town and I don't have many friends all right lot of pressure on me instantly but okay would you like to play with some of my toys Stewie what have you got I have a set of jacks a paddle ball and this Taffy with Superglue isn't that the little boy who pushed you yes you there would you like a piece of candy don't [Music] push uh Lois why do we have Lucy and Ricky beds because I'm sick of you crushing me in the middle of the night Dr Hartm
an called about my x-rays he said my spine is now disfigured Lois if God wanted me to not sleep with my wife he would have made me John Travolta Peter I'm really tired okay just give the B try there you go good night Peter I can't sleep like this Lois I need someone to cuddle with believe it or not men like to cuddle even cold unfeeling men like Charles Bronson hey Charles Bronson's wife scooch over I want a cuddle that's [Music] nice I don't know what the big deal is I stopped for one drink aft
er work yes but it's every night there now you can be upset about that this is fun I like playing with you Penelope what should we play next hey let's see what you have you have a popup version of the unibomber manifesto yes at the end the brother pops up and turns you in what's this on your eter sketch oh those are some Advanced mathematical formulas I've just been tinkering with you're kidding I do that too but what are these formulas for for the these oh my God you've got a weapons room too a
nd look at the size of it it's amazing yes although sometimes I think it's too big it takes the cleaning woman forever to clean it what's already [Music] broken my word Penelope you and I seem to have quite a lot in common do you actually use these only when fears fight jealousy and revenge demand I bought that to kill the women from Sex in the City but time seems to be doing it for me you're Wicked do your parents have any idea my mother's not a concern I don't rarely have to worry about her an
ymore oh do you have one of those white wine zombie moms no she died she was taking a tub and somebody came in and cut her head off wait a moment did did you kill her well I help the knife and her hair oh my god I've been dreaming about doing that for years and you've actually gone ahead and done it Penelope I've never said this to anyone before but I feel like I may have finally found in you my one true soulmate do you feel this way too I do do it it's as if our meeting were more than a mere co
incidence it's as if we were meant to be together indeed this must be how Maverick felt when he met Goose I feel the need the need for spe speed and Scientology no just [Music] speed so listen Quagmire there something I kind of wanted to talk to you about ever since Lois got us twin beds I can't fall asleep I'm used to having another person here I know I always sleep better when I'm next to someone yeah it's only natural right I'm glad to hear you say that cuz you know I guess what I'm trying to
say is I want to propose an arrangement that could benefit to both of us okay men need someone to spoon with and snuggle with just the same as women and when you don't have have that it it's I well what I'm getting at is I would like for you to sleep with me in my bed and it's this is not about sex it's about sleep no no I totally get it Peter snuggling is a basic human need right I mean who says that the body next to you has to be male or female or whatever or Alive yeah well no but yeah look
I I think it's a great idea and I I'm completely with you I'm in let's try it yay that is such good news and I'm so happy they gave us a booth I know cuz they're supposed to be reserved for parties of three three or more I [Music] know oh Stewie it's so nice to finally have someone to do naughty things with definitely all right I made a wallet bomb and I planted it on Mort as soon as he opens it boom oh bloody hell how do you go two weeks without opening your bullet yeah he's been out to dinner
like four times we're clearly not going to get him this way I know which is why I just planted another bomb that's set to go off every time he burps into his hand oh I better make sure my wallet's [Applause] okay I say we're on quite a run we blew up the Great Wall of China bombed the Eiffel Tower and look at this note I sent off dear Pakistan up yours love India let's see what happens they did not need much all right Stewie your turn okay I have to destroy Copenhagen with a tidal wave and the t
heme is the Roaring 20s that's that's that's a challenge Roar and T in title waven [Music] Peta what's going on Quagmire is having a sleepover with me you can't be serious look Lois I told you that I need to have somebody sleeping next to me all right now if that's not going to be you fine do what you want I don't care but I think it's very strange okay that's the one thing it's not yeah it's not strange I already told you I don't care it's not strange I know all right let's see here now just uh
wrap yourself around me is that okay yeah actually you can hold me even tighter okay I just need to put this arm right around here yeah there we go good now let's just fall asleep like this your boxes are a little staty can I take them off with my foot sure come on [Music] you good evening I'm Tom Tucker our top story authorities are still searching for the culprits and a series of horrific acts of Destruction all across scroll down guys the globe that could have fit on there there was a long s
pace at the end of that line my God it's you isn't it it's you and Penelope who've been doing all these horrible things so I've always been about world domination the hell did you think I was talking about when I said Victory shall be mine you have not said that in a very long time well I'm back on it Stewie Penelope is taking you down a dark path look in the past you've done terrible things but it's always been about the pursuit of your greater goal of world domination but this girl she just cr
eates chaos for the sake of chaos so what are you saying I'm saying she's a bad influence on you and you should stop spending time with her I shall do no such thing pel is wonderful we're going to be together forever well rert this is a big mess what the hell were you doing talking to [Music] him you know who I think is an ugly slot Miss Sharon Miss Sharon from your daycare yes this is the map of her house I thought we could burn her in her bed while her children watch you know penelopee maybe w
e don't have to kill someone every day there are other things to do like what I I don't know I you know what forget it I I think Brian just got in my head a bit that's all Brian why what did Brian say oh nothing just thinks you're a bad influence on me thinks I should stop seeing you he does how dare he babe babe don't worry about it all right Stuart do you love me more than anything then swear on that love that you'll do what I ask just name it kill him kill Brian for me Family Guy is brought t
o you by Axe Body Spray Axe body spray spray it on after gym class instead of getting beat up in the shower kind of weird those guys want to fight you naked huh Axe Body Spray oh God I can't kill Brian even for Penelope he's my dog my my friend well wonder what words are going to come out of this pen today all right I can do [Music] this oh am I kidding I can't do this [Music] I don't care how many children you've lost in child birth you're fired but I was only having a child because you and the
mister you don't get to speak of me and the mister ah Stewie so did you do it have you removed that wretched Cur from our existence I just couldn't bring myself to kill him Penelope Brian is my best friend perhaps you're right perhaps it was wrong of me to ask you to do such a thing oh thank you I'm so glad you're being so understanding about this I was actually dreading having to tell you about this it appears I'll have to kill him myself what I knew you were too weak to do this you're nothing
but a coward no penelopee wait strong women always turn out to be nightmares like Joon of AR hey guys I'm not like other girls I kill people and burp and watch so much porn Isn't that cool no I like a lot of goofball comedies that other chicks don't like my favorite thing to play is Call of Duty look me up I'm guitar girl 76 let's burn this chick at the steak I love steak other girls don't I'm actually more like a dude hey guys don't come in my room I might be rubbing one in Peta this is ridicu
lous it's time for you to come home I live here now Lois look I'm sorry that I ever got a separate is that a bracelet you're wearing it's a Giggity Band Lois you wouldn't understand stand look Peter if you come home now we can get our old bed back and you can snuggle with me as much as you want well you promise I promise cuz you know I missed cuddling with you too you did I sure did well then hey what do you say we go home eh sounds good to [Music] me Brian there you are thank C oh hey Stewie di
d you make that coffee uh no it was here when I came in I assumed Lois made it don't drink that hey that mug was my crew gift from class holes did you take a bite out of this donut yeah it was from a box on the counter so what how long ago I don't know 5 minutes there's still time God Stewie you out of your mind trust me I'm only doing what's best for you well I do feel pretty thin and wonderful and I still got to eat the dut why isn't everybody doing this they are I've got a package here for Br
ian Griffin oh that's me Brian new Stewie what the hell is going on I'm so sorry Brian Penelope told me I had to kill you because you said we should break up but I couldn't bring myself to do it so then she said she was going to kill you this this is not for you that was weird what was he doing anyway Penelope is trying to kill you I told you she was bad news look let's just get you someplace safe dude get out of here Stewie step aside Penelope I can't let you do this Stewie she's one year old I
think I can handle this myself all right Stewie tag [Music] in slow motion diving at you [Music] anti-gravity gun this is beyond my technology perhaps if I detonate an electromagnetic pulse it will disable it [Music] [Music] a [Music] stay away from my dog very well St I shall but just one thing [Music] what [Music] that was beautiful I'm going to tell my friends I banged her hey thanks for saving my life that was the least I could do obviously it turns out you were right about Penelope you oka
y I will be I will be babe oh hey Meg what have you been up to [Music] it seems that all you see is violence movies andx but good oldfashioned [Music] [Music] values C are [Music] we now return to bottom Chef Daniel L please pack your fudge and go fine we interrupt this broadcast with breaking news an aid to Mayor Adam West has been found stabbed to death at the mayor's mansion that's right Tom police say the victim was killed by a knife belonging to the mayor who is considered the prime suspect
at this time oh my God Uncle Adam up town emergency don't got to finish my green beans Peta you stay there and finish those green beans but my stomach's upset on account of the news also found in the mayor's residence was a blackmail note from the victim threatening to expose the mayor in a corruption Scandal unless the victim was paid off you can put a picture of a note above my shoulder anytime now Tony no that's the rose bow parade that's the Pumpkin Festival okay okay you think that humilia
tes me you I I don't care Oscar De La Hoya does it we now go live to Trisha Takanawa who is outside the mayor's Mansion Tom I'm standing outside the mayor's Mansion where against the wishes of his attorneys the mayor has agreed to an impromptu press conference West West what do you know about the murder did you kill that man yes I'll take a question from the reporter from the kog elementary school Gazette Timmy Are You Afraid of the Dark I thought we had an understanding that the dark was off li
mits this press conference is over this has been Trisha Tua Nowa with the news and now I will have my normal post news review from my mom in her car you're not good you're not good on news you're stiff like watching bored Jo London must are so happy so sad wow he really did it I always knew Mayor West was a little crazy but I never thought he was capable of something like this the May's going to jail that means anything goes I pushed a lady God I can already hear the jokes Jay Leno is going to b
e telling about our mayor oh yeah like what oh you know it's like you can already hear them you know like what like exactly what jokes do you hear tell me one of the jokes Brian all I have to do is is start fake sneezing around you and you'll spend the rest of your life outside oh yeah yeah I can hear some of the jokes well I guess you just never know what kind of Rage some people have bottled up well we all got anger Chris the important thing is finding a healthy way to channel it for me as you
know it's the family bath Peter how long do we have to sit here until I'm Not Angry Anymore you naked bunch of [Music] [ __ ] everyone please be seated we will now hear the defense attorney's closing statement I switched seats in closing although it seems pretty clear that my client committed this murder I would consider it a personal favor to me if you found him not guilty that's your closing argument wow those karate lessons are really paying off thank you Sensei welcome he came jurors you ha
ve now heard all the facts of this case I remind you that because we are a small Town many of you may have ties with the defendant or the victim you must set aside these personal connections and render an impartial and unanimous verdict does anyone have any questions yeah is toon the fanciest thing in the world I I just don't understand how could Uncle Adam do this he's the mayor of our town well Meg life isn't always as simple as what they teach you at school I don't know Mom I have a pretty re
alistic Hemet class okay kids now I'm going to take the casserole out of the oven okay it's a little burned no reason to panic oh God that's daddy he's home early let's get some spices in here and fix this okay he's inside the house let's let's hope his meeting went well God that meeting went awful oh boy what's that smell did you burn dinner you stupid Pig okay kids put your heads down put your heads down and don't try to stand between me and your father it'll just make it [Music] worse so I've
been asked by the judge to be the foreman and I want y'all to know that we's going to run a fair jury and a clean Jerry so I brought some wet naps for everyone to wipe off the areas cuz one of us gets sick we all going to get sick and that may lead to some of us getting sicker than others look can we get this underway I mean we were all in that courtroom what what is there to discuss it's obvious he did it plus I got to get back to the station if I'm not there by 5 Joyce will anchor the news an
d I don't think anyone wants that to happen again our top story guys right yes it's open and shut let's just vote him guilty and get out of here look I know everyone's in a hurry but shouldn't we at least go over the evidence once before we vote just to be fair you know what would shed some light on this case if we Huck water balloons at people in the street they were carrying a trampoline here's the facts there was a note from the victim threatening to expose the mayor in a corruption Scandal t
he murder weapon was to Maya's own knife and finally that lady with the Peter gallaga eyebrows on the witness stand saw the whole thing okay let's get down to business all in favor of guilty raise your hands all guilty good well that's it let's get out of here anyone for not guilty what are you what the hell all right looks like we's going to be here a while who wants pizza for dinner and who wants Purina moist and Meaty dog cow I had that for [Music] breakfast what do you mean not guilty what's
wrong with you oh shoot that was a stomach ache I told that guy he had Polio look the system specifies the defendant must be proven guilty Beyond A Reasonable Doubt mayor West's life is on the line here I'm just saying it's possible he didn't do it that's for the jury to decide Mayor West is crazy he should have been locked up a long time ago yeah there's definitely something off about him I'm his physician okay now we'll just test those reflexes hey did you hear that there's someone out there
hello we're in here there are six of us look we all saw that blackmail note Mayor West is the only one with a motive I don't even know why we're discussing it well was Mayor West the only one with a motive I mean there are people who would benefit if he were put away from murder political Rivals special interests I mean it's possible he could have been framed enough was a movie with Jennifer Lopez that did not live up to expectations well Mayor West did say he never saw the letter and he was und
er us yeah he lied of course he lied he's a politician they're all Liars yeah John F Kennedy swore he'd serve a full four-year term liar look we should be sticking to the facts not stereotypes it's unfair to say that all politicians are liars therefore Mayor West is guilty Brian's right I was a county Alderman once and I never told no fibs I've been over backwards and forwards for them constituents it's important to make sure everyone is happy so I took a lot of polls yeah gay stuff yeah and I s
erved honorably as a un interpreter okay he's mad about something he appears to be talking really fast he spits whenever he makes the CH noise which in this language happens a lot I'm expected to entertain him and his wife tonight so if anyone knows a good restaurant in the area Sushi or tapus something where they're always bringing stuff to the table so you have something to talk about you know hey watch this this looks good that's War oh war war that last sentence was about war look an expert
confirmed that the blackmail note was signed by the victim that points irrefutably to West well maybe we should take a look at that letter yeah I'd like to see that cuz I can read it just like everybody else and the charade continues Bay please yeah Mr bayth we request that you bring us the note from the victim Joe what the hell are you doing out there you're a cop not a bayth I'm undercover someone's been raping all the bayi so you're just sitting around waiting to be raped hey BFF can I talk t
o you for a second in this broom closet sure strange man I can't wait to hear what this is all about well there's your motive a note from the victim threatening Mayor West what more proof do you want yeah are you trying to suggest that mayor West's enemy faked a corruption letter and then killed himself that's idiotic but it just might work what you know something bothered me about the stationary that note was on with the the decorative M border it's from the office of the mayor the m is from ma
yor what are you get no no I'm pretty sure the M is for Marriott how do you know because I once got a note from the Marriott written on the same paper Dear Brian you were amazing last night love Ida this from the night you had sex with Quagmire's dad oh come on I did a dog once but I was in the Philippines and I sure as hell didn't write him a letter what what what so what does that prove the victim had access to all the office of the mayor stationary he could ever want yet he handmade a letterh
ead on stationary from a Marriot as far as I concern that cast out look you guys just say a word and I'll put this ball with cheese in it on the floor we won't hear from them for an hour and a [Music] half look if I'm still the only one who says not guilty I won't hold things up any longer let's vote again and I'll abstain if it's unanimous I'll change my vote and we can all go home okay everyone take one of these here and write their vote hey Quagmire you going to write something funny no Peter
I'm not I'm St starting to think all you do is dick around shry everyone Bo okay now let's count guilty guilty some hurtful slurs followed by the word guilty guilty guilty El guil guilty guilty this one's just a squiggly line that's uh that's guilty in Latin you're playing a dangerous game Carl guilty not guilty I farted during the murmuring what Monumental douche voted not guilty on this no-brainer I think we know who the flip-flopper is Bruce didn't change his vote I did I respect Brian's cou
rage it's not easy to stand alone or find the child who stands alone but that's the one you want look we have been cooped up in this room for 5 hours now starting to feel like an animal in a cage yeah or a T-Rex trying to masturbate all right internet porn check tissues check lotion check okay let's go a and that's why they were such vicious Killers oh he couldn't masturbate because his arms are too sh they feared him from Kil Patrick down to gway Bay part luckily he found a wife so he could hav
e sex the non masturbating Tyrannosaurus Rex okay look Tempest is starting to get a little heated so why don't we all go take us a little potty break now you're all going to have to witness me taking an old man pill that looks way too big to swallow oh there we go it's his fault we're still here how is it you think you know everything and anyway you don't even understand your feelings for the mailman you get out of here I'll kill you but come back tomorrow same time I get very sad on Sundays whe
n you're not here a damn it what happened I dropped my phone in the toilet oh oh it's so cold and it's under everything feel like I'm rooting around a pcture of sangria where is it oh my God why haven't I found it yet oh no I didn't roll my sleeve up far enough oh why didn't I flush when I got in here ah this isn't even all mine oh no there's a spider crawling on my face ah why didn't I use the hand that was on the floor why did I use my toilet hand oh wait here it is behind the toilet this is r
idiculous even if you don't believe the note was legitimate there was an eyewitness who saw the entire thing well I have questions about her testimony she said she was at a party not just any party a sex party How could a woman at an orgy witness a murder the bedroom was 100 ft from the window okay first of all the term orgy is outdated we call them genital jambes but still I don't see how she could look out a window and witness a crime trust me you're banging eight strangers who responded to a
flyer at some point you're going to look out a window and question every decision you've ever made look I'll demonstrate you people come here okay Tom you're over here on all fours Carter I need your face right here no even closer you're going to want to feel the heat coming off him okay canuela I'm going to need you on your knees and we're probably partway into it here so one of your eyes is stuck shut all the way shut there are 11 of us dear all right Tom you're squinting you're anticipating d
on't don't do that Carl you can take your fist out of your own mouth Bruce great work Bruce seems like the only gamer here thanks it's okay to look the other way when y'all pass me on the street with y'all's wives I understand that place is the witness right here next to the lubricating station and the terrible smelling guest book would she be face up no she had small breasts but a great ass she's definitely face down but then how could she see the window oh my God you're right she couldn't have
and now to take my position this is what I call the butter [Music] Pat okay y'all so he now at six guilty six not guilty so he all going to have to stay here until we's unanimous in our verdict well so what if that woman of the origin she couldn't see there's plenty of other evidence that West is guilty yeah let's wrap this up I get the director cutter Raiders of the Lost AR waiting for me at home don't look Marion okay by the way I'm pregnant maybe just one quick peek come on people he obvious
ly did it you know his type they're all guilty well what type is that he's one of those plain lippies you know no mustache like a normal person prancing around with his naked lip out for all the world to see sir you are talking to a plain Lippy oh now don't take it like that you some of them are all right but you know what I mean they're all over the place how about me Tucker am I all right well of course you're all right huh imagine that what happened to me I've become my father not guilty that
really hurt because it was a real mustache okay the majority of this room now believes that there is reasonable doubt about mayor West's guilt and what do the rest of you think look I just don't think he could have done it guilty oh oh guilty is the other one well I don't know okay it's good we're talking this out now I'd really like to hear from the holdouts because a man's life hangs in the B Peter what are you doing it's getting very tense in here do you guys mind if I struggle to open these
blinds damn it come on stay up there you got to yank it to the side Peter I'm yanking it as far as it goes you got to catch it on the thing oh that's helpful the left side's getting lower than the right side I can see what's happening now twist it all right see now it's open okay we said 11 to one Carter you're the only person who still thinks he's guilty you're damn right I do look at the facts there was a dead guy found in mayor West's home there's no one else with any motive and the police d
etective who examined all the evidence named him the prime suspect you guys paid attention that whole trial lame not me I was too busy being cool the jury is instructed to disregard the witness's last remark yeah whatever judge none of this stuff's ever going to apply to my real life I'm just going to go work in the mines anyway like my dad how' you like to stay for an hour after the trial oh I'm real scared is your dad hitting you Peter shut up just shut up you have no right man you don't know
nothing about my side of town look he's guilty I just know it he's a double dealing spineless politician but how do you know he's guilty oh I know Mayor West has let people down guys I feel like all we talk about is Mayor West like who who has he let down someone who got him elected someone who pattered his expense account and all I wanted was to fire a missile into a fault line to sink half a cog into the ocean and make my real estate Waterfront you got that from Superman nobody likes you I eve
n let him marry my daughter Carol damn it I mean doesn't that mean anything no not to West that ungrateful bastard it wasn't that a that got stabbed in the back it was me not guilty well I guess that's it yeah looks like we've reached our verdict you know what I just realized my jury duty is tomorrow ladies and gentlemen of kog I feel Vindicated today the truth has prevailed and we've witnessed the power of the greatest justice system in all the world yes Miss Takanawa now now that you've been a
cquitted what does the future hold for mayor Adam West oh I don't I'll probably just remain mayor of this great City this also is part of my fantasy sequence I'll probably just remain mayor of this great City and I know this is real because you're not rabbit [Music] people what a day you both did your civic duty and you saved May of West yeah I mean it was a pretty intense experience but the important thing is in the end Justice was served all you did was let a guy go there's still a murderer ou
t there yeah but we saved an innocent man today and that's something to feel good about feel good about they found eight more bodies last night one of them was on this block there's a maniac out there he's cutting people's power off breaking into their homes and slitting their throats and we're dead [Music] he it seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV but where it good old fashion vales we [Music] [Music] us good evening I'm Tom Tucker this just in wanted fugitive Bobby
the shirt Briggs notorious for always wearing shirts while committing his crimes has finally been caught after 15 years on the lamb a police spokesperson was quoted as saying du I'm a dumb cop I like to give Tom Tucker a ticket I was going like 41 oh my God I don't believe it they finally got that son of a [ __ ] Briggs you know that guy you're damn right I do Bobby Briggs is the one who put me in this wheelchair and they got him they finally got him jeez Joe you okay here use my handkerchief i
t's wet and cold well yeah it's my handkerchief I've been blowing my nose in it all day wait a minute Bobby Briggs is the one who crippled you you always told us you fell off a roof during a fight with the Grinch I lied I lied because I was ashamed of the real story that I let a vicious criminal get away what happened well it was 1996 Briggs was one of the biggest heroin dealers east of Providence which is mostly just open water but still I'd been undercover tracking his operation for 6 months a
nd had finally gained his confidence i' almost gathered enough evidence to put Briggs away for good but I knew a taped confession would make the case a slam dunk this is going to take us to the next level we're going to be banging so many hot chicks with jeans up to their navels Bobby Briggs you're really good at heroin how much heroin is here Bobby Briggs why are you talking like that are you wearing a wire oh you're dead Joe swansson I under cover name was swansson easy breaks you kill a cop t
hey'll put you away forever then get ready to spend the rest of your life as a lame [ __ ] with an annoying voiced wife he'd met Bonnie rigs got away and I've been in this wheelchair ever since I like that you can tell me a story starting at the clam and ending on a ferris wheel yeah people are starving in Africa and I'm at a carnival with my best buddies on a beautiful night blessings blessings so Joe must feel great to finally have some closure with Bobby Briggs yeah you know last night was th
e first time in 15 years I didn't strangle Bonnie in my sleep okay hey Dad you're going to want to see this again recapping our breaking news longtime fugitive Bobby Briggs has escaped from police custody his whereabouts are currently unknown news of briggs' Escape first broke on telmundo if you can believe that Escapo Escapo Escapo Briggs reportedly escaped during a prison open house an event that will most likely be cancelled in the future no no I can't believe it oh don't worry J he'll get hi
m back no they won't it took 15 years to catch him well this seems like a good time to be heading out I should be getting back anyway I left ruper with a sitter well you know where everything is feel free to help yourself to anything in the fridge and Mr cornman here can have pudding or ice cream not [Music] both Chief can I have a word yeah yeah but first you have to agree there's a huge difference between bisexual men and homosexual men sure Chief thank you huge what is it well Chief I'm here
because I want you to put me on the Briggs case absolutely not come on Chief I know everything about Briggs I'm the only one who can catch him no Swanson you're too close to the case I'm putting officers Grant and Casey on it because they're so far from the case they don't care about it at all hi Chief hi this isn't fair swansson you know your assignment you get me the guy who's been rubbing his butt all over Dunkin Donuts can I help you not illegal not illegal show me the law not [Music] illega
l Hey Joe look I know you're down about this Briggs thing and that kind of bums me out so I got you this Cookie Puss a't that funny look at that weird nose I think your nose is weird guys I'm telling you I I just don't think I could live with Briggs on the lamb for another 15 years well why don't you do something about it I can't do anything about it the Chief won't let me show if they don't find this guy it's going to eat your life for the rest of your life you got to take matters into your own
hands you got to go after this guy but that's a breach of police protocol this isn't about you as a cop this is about you as a man come on what do you say Quagmire and I will help you bring this guy to Justice Peter what did I say about you volunteering me for all right let's do it well if you're going to do it you're going to need someone who's very good at disguise who said that I'd love to go with you but I can't I'm supposed to be the gift table that a bar mits for tomorrow [Music] all righ
t if we're going to go after Briggs this might be a good place to start I've spent the last 15 years gathering information on him and it's all here every crime he's committed every associate he's had oh look Briggs was all County JV swimming I don't just focus on the negative Joe your 25-year-old son and your baby daughter share a room just so you can keep a weird old Beautiful Mind room isn't that little bizarre and then we dug the bullets out of that Iraqi family skulls so they couldn't be tra
ced back to us today I saw a balloon Brigg's FBI profile says the only relationship he's maintained over the years is With a Stripper named Tanya tax record shows she currently works at a club in Atlantic City so that's our first stop is there touching at the club I I don't know Peter maybe okay this is good this is good I'll be sure to pack my blaming jeans Hey listen thanks for agreeing to take care of prina while we're gone Lois it's our pleasure she looks like a nice Kitty uh Kitty Lois she
is a purebred Persian I can trace her lineage to the cats kept by Cleopatra just tell me what I need to do Glenn well first she has a very active bowel you can't be too generous with the baby wipes stroke front to back like you would on yourself otherwise you're smashing feces into her genitals also she's very skittish so you have to touch her like this I'm going to touch you now is that okay see how I'm going slowly slowly oh the Mysteries you keep inside of you Quagmire come on let's go all ri
ght I guess we're off hey you guys check out the look on Lois's face when I do this C up clean that up you idiot love [Music] you boy it'll be satisfying to finally slap the cuffs on Briggs once and for all hey you ever just drive through a town and wonder who the hell lives here all the time look at this place I mean what what's going on there's an adult with a lemonade stand that Chinese restaurant still has the sign from when it was a mechanic I don't want to eat low M where they were just ch
anging Mufflers there's an apartment above that Arby with toys in the window someone has built a life up there what a mess I'm telling you the founding fathers would be very disappointed in where their country ended up it wasn't so perfect back then NE and so I say unto you Sons of Liberty no longer will free men live under the Yoke of giant predatory Birds shrieking swooping down stealing our livestock what's going on in here nothing uh just belly aching about the British get back to warming th
ose eggs all right this is the place we got to see if we can find Brigg's girl hey we're looking for a stripper named Tanya is she here tonight yeah she's working in the champagne room follow me hey Quagmire you uh you ever been to Atlantic City before once about about 20 years ago why all right all right all right all right hey are you Tanya yeah who are you a guy who's looking for Bobby Briggs where is he I don't know any Bobby Briggs and even if I did I wouldn't tell you you're lying Joe let
me handle this I know how to communicate with strippers all I need is one dance and I'll know everything she knows you free for a dance sure I need information I was molested by my dad I know that I need other information I want you to tell tell me where I can find Bobby Briggs come on you know I can't give out a client's personal information all right I'm going to have to do the Vulcan [Music] veld he lives at 2820 Ocean Boulevard across from the Park Apartment 2 at a girl okay now spit in your
own mouth this is a cool place boy it's your is nice having Mr Quagmire's cat around I got to say cats are so much better than dogs well that's kind of a broad statement it's true okay show me one way in which cats are better than dogs well okay uh for one thing they always land on their feet watch so big deal dogs do that too here go ahead do what you just did but with me oh oh my God oh my neck oh oh my God Brian don't touch me don't touch me call somebody oh we need one of those boards they
use for football players hey what's going on nothing I just figured out why cats are better than babies that's kind of a broad statement okay 2820 ocean this is it all right apartment number two we'll just pick the lock what what is that let's use our eyes to see a this guy has sugar cereals his mom must be so cool and he's got a trash compact it it compacted it all that is so boss ah we meet again Briggs whoa whoa whoa who are you Joe Swanson who wait you you don't remember me I infiltrated you
r heroin operation we saw Reality Bites together you guys I found him he went that [Music] way damn it that's Lois if I don't get this she's going to kill [Music] me I sweetie yeah everything's great of course I miss you well how does the supermarket run out of parsley I'm as angry as you are pader I've got to [Music] fall it looks like you're at a [Music] roof damn it there's no way across Spidey can you swing us across with your web no I can't swing you across and it's Spider-Man not Spidey I'
m pretty sure I've heard people call you Spidey yeah close friends what's your name pety hey pety do stuff for me oh I don't like that yeah you don't like it you're a fat nobody and I'm Spider-Man so how do you think I feel he's getting away guys drop me over the side are you crazy Joe that fall will kill you not if I land on my [Music] lights head [Music] I got you now [Music] [Music] Briggs move that bus enjoy your new home it's gone you guys I had him that was our one chance it's all right Jo
e you got nothing to be ashamed of you're a great cop with a very distinguished career you caught that guy who was killing all those Filipino girls yeah but this was important this was the guy who ruined my life the one per who meant everything to me if I CAU this guy'd finally be able to sleep at night damn it oh thank God cops oh good you guys can still catch Briggs he's headed that way we're not here for him we're here for you guys you're under arrest for interfering with a police investigati
on what yeah what the hell you should be out there arresting the real criminals like switchblade wielding white guys from movies and TV who don't talk like people talk easy Mama hand over that person everything will be real cool you dig guys you got to let us out of here the real criminal's getting away yeah the bastard's making a break for it just like South America H lot of black guys over there hey man where you going oh I'll be back I'm coming back I'll be right back why would the cops arres
t us instead of going after Briggs Flanigan wait a minute that's one of the corrupt cops who helped Harbor Briggs while he was on the lamb for 15 years these guys are bad news oh my God what are they going to do to us we're not going to stick around to find out Joe hold your handcuffs over my lap what the hell is that Swiss Army penis wow Quagmire that's incredible Peter yours are made of a stronger metal we're going to have to go with the acetylene torch penis don't don't look right at it my ST
Ds help it burn brighter the cas are in the ignition let's go I told you to search that guy's penis you say that about everybody yeah we did it but we lost Briggs how we going to find him now we got nothing well I don't know if it helps but I found this number next to the phone in his kitchen I was shaving it cuz I was going to make a scrapbook at a trip for you guys let me see that this is the area code for Warz Mexico he's trying to get over the Border you think so definitely there's only one
road into Warz and it goes to El Paso we got to get to El Paso Jo how do you know the area code for Warez Mexico there was a stem cell doctor I went down there to see he just rubbed like salsa on my legs hey you're not in uniform are you guys cops are you guys cops he know we're not [Music] cops all right guys the next flight to El Paso leaves in 40 minutes but Briggs is ahead of us won't he already be there no he'd never risk going through an airport too many cops too many cameras too much secu
rity I don't know Joe sometimes the security is pretty LAX I mean the last plane I was on got gayjacked this plan going to [Music] Miami hey Lois sh quiet Brian Mom's taking a nap on the couch yeah and look she fell asleep with a cat right on her chest isn't that cute meow I think you're dreaming no I'm not stupid cat God it's so damn hot hey I got an idea let's make scalding asphalt Angels ow ow ow ow ow ow second degree burns first degree fun jeez how long we got to stand out here like this ti
ll Briggs comes through you know I was thinking about that Joe Briggs is driving here that's like 2,000 miles it's going to be at least a couple of days H I guess you're right oh what are we going to do for 2 days in El Paso there's a Cho Heritage Festival no way Casey and the Sunshine band is playing why or we could visit the persing house where John persing took control of the eighth Army Brigade in 1914 so that's his bed yes so that's his desk yes so that's his lamp yes so that's his dresser
yes so that's his window yes so that's his floor yes wow [Applause] what do you got there Quagmire is that Briggs now this guy's clean we'll send him through what's the hold up sombreros Maracas ceramic winie tooo dolls get them now folks you're not going to find this stuff in Mexico come on what's going on up there bricks damn it he's getting away [Music] you're not going to get away this time you son of a [ __ ] please don't kill me I'm not married my life is awesome I've waited 15 years for t
his moment Briggs do you have any idea what it's like to have to lift yourself into a wheelchair every morning to have your wife look at you like you're half a man to get preferential parking to board a plane early with the first class people and gold guard members all right it's not all bad but I'm not going to kill you I'm not an animal like you so what are you going to do arrest me no I don't arrest cripples by the way you're under arrest I only said that last thing cuz it seemed cool oh my G
od that was so awesome I saw everything you were all like and Briggs was all like and then you were all like and then Brigg's legs were like oh crap he's dead I think he bled out I must have hit the femoral artery just kick him into Mexico guys I can't thank you enough for what you did you risked your lives for me and I couldn't have done it without you hey that's what pals are for yeah and thanks for letting me fire a few rounds into Brigg's corpse that was the most powerful I felt in a couple
yes well you guys help me finally have some closure in my life I feel like a new man like I'm reborn Joe you have blood just pouring out of your pant leg Yeah I had a ball blow in the [Music] river [Music] it seems to that all you see is violence movies and sex onv but where at those good oldfashioned values we used to [Music] and cry Peter what are you doing I'm watching this awesome show Brian see they took all these colors and they're making them all live together in a beach house now the red
one is sleeping with the green one and the blue one thinks she's going to have a career in music and the yellow one is just a total [ __ ] Peter that's just a channel that's gone off the air and we'll be right back with more color bar beach house after these messages oh Peter for God's sake did you eat this entire roll of raw cookie dough oh was that what that was I thought it was a raisin sausage Peter you're going to get sick you can't just eat raw food out of the fridge yeah calm down people
make mistakes just look at the original design for the first hybrid car Eric we love the car we only want to change one thing is it the rapist sign yes it is the rapist sign I quit so as you can see our quarterly output is up one and a half% that's not net I'm talking gross you do everything gross we're predicting another 2% growth in the stupid boring meeting I don't even want to be here I'd rather be home doing traumatic garage door [Music] reveals [Applause] [Music] continue to be available
for those what was that that doesn't feel right oh man I think that cookie doll was fighting that taco I found in the parking lot I just hope I can hold it in till the meeting's over and now 23 minutes of silence for the 23 workers who drown in the Vats this year oh God it hurts it hurts of course it hurts Griffin they were good men all of them I can't hold it in you don't have to Griffin let it out that's what we're here for this was supposed to be 23 minutes of silence and there's kind of a lo
t of conversation going on hey Peter you got to write something funny in Judy's birthday card uh okay okay but read what Hank wrote first that's great uh okay okay uh I once tried to find a ChapStick in your your purse is that a real gun in there happy birthday okay here you go that's what Hank wrote hey Peter my kid selling Girl Scout cookies we're collecting for Jan's pregnanc softball sign up trick- or treat for Unicef in for Ed's retirement cake holiday party company picnic secret car pull i
nfo oh finally now I can get myself to the uhoh there you are Griffin you ever run out of a meeting like that again you're fired I'm sorry Angela my son turned into a wolf during a basketball game and it required my attention Griffin I'm not falling for another one of your excuses I still haven't forgotten how you tried to get out of last week's fire drill all right everyone fire drill let's go outside now can I stay I'm already on fire no Griffin fine don't even have a jacket oh man now everyon
e's going to remember me for this I wanted to be remembered for my achievement in [Applause] film there he is oh oh I see oh you're all here because you heard the news well fine Peter Griffin crapped himself at work happy Peter no no Lois let's get it all out I'm sure you also heard that someone walked into my office while I was sucking on my own toes and do I go fast walking in nurse's shoes every Saturday in the Park yes I do Peter we're not here because of any of that okay I know what this is
about somebody saw me holding hands with a guy at Quiznos this morning all right and was I involved in the Oklahoma City bombing a little bit no Peter you're not getting it okay we'll go deeper yeah I was swindled by that cat who said he was from the future turns out he was just a present day cat with a smooth sales pitch dad you don't understand oh I understand I understand I've made hundreds of deadly enemies by shouting racial taunts up at the jailhouse Windows oh and another thing raise you
r hand if you think ducks are magic and up it goes Peter's the only one Peter that's not why they're here and no none of us heard about you soiling yourself at work oh well why is everybody here Peter your mother is dead she had a stroke this afternoon and she died you don't die from that Lois you just host New Year's Eve and talk funny Peter it's true I'm so sorry oh my God I don't believe it she's gone all right well I'm going to go confuse everyone on Facebook with a so sad terrible day statu
s and nothing [Music] more your mother was a good woman Peter thanks Lois I just I just can't believe she's really gone and I can't believe this Funeral Home has a skylight with a Sinister clown staring down at us thank you for coming everyone we're here to celebrate the of felma Griffin here to say a few words about felma is her son Peter my mother always hoped to be buried with her pet cat mittens so I'd like to thank the Cog Veterinary Society for putting mittens down so quickly yeah just jus
t go ahead and toss it in there probably probably just stuff it in by the feet okay I will now take questions from the audience no none they don't have to be about my mom is anyone else here watching Revolution and wanting to talk about it after this no no no no no I'm not caught up I'm not caught up lot of white socks with dress shoes in this [ __ ] God I hate funerals yeah they're stupid thank God I'm not going to die what do you mean of course you are I'm not going to die Brian I'm like Jim b
alushi I am worried about my funny brother though food fight this is tragic but will also open a door for me Stewie everyone is going to die at some point everyone so like even me yes even you you are going to die someday Stewie wow I guess you learn something new every day like the blackeyed peas hey what's that this is a guitar [Music] wow you know I didn't come around that much but I bet she had a nice life here yeah I mean it is a retirement home but it seems like a lovely place to live out
your golden years my tube is out but it's not my fault don't punch me oh look at that window you get a nice light in the morning Peter look your mom's old photo albums H look at your little baby Footprints yeah my mom took my footprint every single year when I was eight I was a dragon oh hello you must be cocoon we don't have any rocks to make you stronger here but welcome you must be Peter I'm Evelyn a friend of your mothers oh oh hi this is my family they're of no Comfort oh I know it's toughe
r to going through you're where I was 17 years ago when I lost my husband Walter he died of pancreatic cancer that sounds sad but I didn't know him me and I miss my mom so much well I knew your mother better than anyone I could tell you stories well that sounds nice peter the two of you should hang out together I'd like that very much well it's 4:00 I'm off to bed wow Peter looks like you made a new friend yeah and maybe she can be my new mom you know just like Greg Evan and Paul Riser were brie
fly My Two Dads I keep forgetting your names can you just be jew dad and you'll be earring [Music] dad Stewie could you please stop tossing and turning it's hard enough to sleep in here without my memory foam pillow uh don't tell me don't tell me Brian yep yeah I can't go to sleep ran I'm scared of what of death well you're not alone the world is full of people who can't accept death death and they've all got their own ideas of what happens when we die really like what tell me are any of them bl
indly reassuring look it's late we'll talk about it first thing tomorrow jeez you know I got to say it's weird to see you so worked up about this I mean you're not afraid of anything even that monster in your closet ah he's on his way out of here ever since he violated the section of his lease that doesn't allow subletters what are you talking about I don't have anyone else in here just tell him the truth Ethan thank you for doing this Brian no problem Stewie our first stop today is a Jewish syn
agogue wow every brick in this place is named after someone yeah they do that to honor their donors so that side of the building was donated by someone named get out of our town no I I think that was the work of some shaved headed gentlemen but but we're here to talk about Judaism so where do they think they go when they die well you should try asking the rabbi although I should warn you you might not get an answer so where do Jewish people think they go when they die where do you think we go we
ll I don't know that's why I'm asking you why do you think you're asking all these questions I just I just really want to know what happens do you think that's part of God's infinite plan I think your whole religion is a sham just so you can get extra holidays off from work oh got to go it's book I say this is quite impressive Buddhism is an Asian religion that also has a significant following of annoying white people okay see these guys believe that after you die you're reincarnated and you com
e back as a pig or a cow or a rooster okay okay that's good I already know what noises to make if I'm one of those but they also don't believe in Dem rating emotions either way so they're the worst people to buy birthday gifts for I know you've been having trouble getting around so I bought you a new Lexus and I got you this tie clip thank you both these are equal to me [ __ ] you you don't even own a [Music] tie now the Catholics believe that as long as you accept Jesus before you die anyone ca
n get into heaven really [Music] anyone I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior yes Peter thank you so much for your help in making this cake but don't you think it would be easier if you stood on the floor yeah but when I bake with my mom I always stood on a chair another memory is my Uncle Roy putting his thumb in me a the best memories are family memories oh hey Evelyn I got a riddle for you what newspaper do cows read the New York Times that's very clever Peter did you make that up N I got it o
ff a yogurt still very impressive God you know Evelyn you've really helped me through a tough time I haven't been this grateful since I met the sane Hatter excuse me how do I get back through the looking class oh yeah take two lefts and it's the first door on your right cool great thanks for not giving me to run around I I asked that guy over there but he just told me a bunch of rhyming nonsense oh yeah he's like a well-known dick hey what are you still doing awake changing the oil in my car wha
t the hell do you think I'm doing sorry I stole that from the Italian family next door they've been going at it all night Dad can I have $5 for lunch tomorrow yeah sure just let me go check my room full of golden Jewels you see every first thing he says is not the real thing anyway Brian I'm trying to figure out death it's not that complicated Stewie well which of these religions has the right answer what about you Brian what do you believe happens when you die nothing lights out that's it that'
s not comforting at all well I just think it's pretty clear that we're all just bags of Bones and flesh that eventually break down and Decay into warm food we come from nothing and we're going to become nothing the end Night stey Lights Out did you hear him Rupert life is just a big joke it's just sitting around waiting to die well I can't live like that i' rather just end it I'm going to take my own life but first i'm going to play ball in the house parents are right we now return to St the spe
cial terrestrial hi hey guys this is Evelyn she's the one with that bathroom carpet I've been peeing on I told you about hey nice to meet you you know instead of drawing on your eyebrows maybe just go without eyebrows and I'm Joe Swanson I've been dying to introduce you guys to Evelyn we just been having the best time together Evelyn tell them how many sodas I combined at the movie theater too it was more than that she fell asleep she let me drive a little bit on the way home just in the parking
lot but you were a good little Navigator yeah I just remembered I got to get the hell out of here well God said I could walk just one time I was saving it for Susie's wedding day but your friends seem lovely they all right you know Evelyn I'm having such a good time with you you're like my above ground Mom oh Peter you know sometimes I think your mother brought us together yeah that's how I feel [Music] good come on are you molesting me or watching TV I can't believe that old woman kissed you i
t was horrible Lois there was still crumbs in the corners of her mouth from that Nilla wer she had at lunch are you sure that that wasn't some kind of misunderstanding no no those were definitely Nila Wafers and it really bums me out you know cuz I thought she was something special she was like a mom to me well then you should go talk to her and try to clear this up it sounds weird but maybe it was innocent I mean this wouldn't be the first time you thought someone was hitting on you would you l
ike to add chips and a drink here we go [Music] again all right R here we go well I'm not dead but I do have a burner so that is something new about Stewie okay death by cop hey copper come get me oh no an armed asant I definitely don't want to die today I have so much to live for come on shoot me but one day I don't wear my bulletproof vest what are you waiting for I'm wide open don't you hate how the heart is right about here just kiss your fruit cakes all right Rupert the old toaster in the t
ub never fails oh damn I wanted to die not turn into toaster man I don't know about this toaster man while he's getting all the glory John Q taxpayer is left to clean up the crumbs my breakfast bread just got perfect browned I just wish I could thank him oh I think he knows Pop I think he [Music] knows Evelyn we need to talk oh Peter I owe you an apology I'm afraid my new medicine made me act foolishly yesterday you must forgive me oh so it it was it was just your medicine huh well I guess I can
understand that you know I'm addicted to nasal spray I smell everything I'm invincible I'm probably going to be a little down until I use the spray again that's okay Peter now come along I've got quite the day planned for [Music] Us's you Evil's to you from behind [Music] Evelyn I think it's best that we don't see each other anymore but Peter no Evelyn I trusted you and all this funny business keeps happening and I don't think it's your medicine at all so I'm afraid this is goodby but Peter I t
hought we were friends yeah right you trick me you're as bad as those Predators on the internet that's wild Stacy I'm a 12-year-old girl too my name's Jenny want to come over to to my place and help me move hey you're not a 12-year-old girl neither are you Jenny huh I guess we aren't so different after all yeah you know this isn't a whole lot of stuff we can probably knock this out in an [Music] hour what the hell Stewie what the hell are you doing he's doing his taxes what's it look like he's d
oing veto get away from the neighbor's house I'm killing myself Brian you said it yourself when we die there's nothing we just rot in the ground well if life has no purpose why not just cut to the Chase look Stewie I know you're worried but you can't live your life being scared of death nobody knows what comes next so all we can do is pack the most we can into each day we've got so for you that's taking a 45 minute shaky leg poop on the front lawn I'm just saying there's something to be said for
living in the moment so what you're saying is I've got to find my shaky leg poop exactly well I I have always wanted to be a singer a songwriter um yeah no yeah you could do that you you paused why why did you pause uh no reason you did it again I swear to God I will throw myself right out that window okay Welcome to The Apple Tree Pub I'm Stewie Griffin and these are my six assistants you know I changed my mind kill yourself hey Mom I got to talk to you about something you know ever since you
turned into a rock with your name on it your friend's been really inappropriate with me hello Peter oh hi what are you doing here Peter I want to apologize I did behave inappropriately it's just that since my beloved Walter died you're the first man who's paid any attention to me and I guess I took advantage of that huh well you know when when you put it that way I I guess maybe it's a little bit my fault too I missed my mom so much and I guess maybe I sort of used you as a replacement I'm glad
we became friends [Music] Evelyn Evelyn Evelyn it looks like somebody's mom died or something I don't know you you just you'll take care of this [Music] right [Music] it seems today that all you see is violence and movies and sex on TV but we are those good oldfashioned values on we used [Music] [Music] to and [Music] cry we now return to Hotel TV the station that that makes you feel like you're at a hotel when you're not at a hotel have a romantic drink by The Concourse fountain or you can watc
h the big game at Choppers Bar and Grill where they'll be pouring till 2: a.m. or maybe you're in the mood for something a little more exotic try Jose's Brazilian steakhouse with rooftop views plus a fine selection of Blended rum drinks at the end of the night you won't want to sa one not and you won't have to cuz Choppers is open where they're pouring till 2: a.m. should we go to Choppers we interrupt this program to bring you a Channel 5 News special report good evening cooh I'm Tom Tucker tra
gedy struck Haiti today as the island nation was rocked by a major earthquake leaving thousands dead and injured coming up local newsman shows a camera operator how to center a shot there we go there there's Tom there's the star oh my God that's terrible about Haiti we got to do something to help no we don't relax I'm sure W left Jean has got it all under control I've always talked about wanting to help in these situations but I never follow through well this time I'm really going to do it I'm g
oing to start a blood drive good for you Lois you'll be a local hero like Paul rer the British will be here soon we shall stand our ground and fight them to the death yes yes although I mean one of us should probably warn everyone you know that the British are coming I mean not me I mean I want to fight I mean oh shoot I've got the horse I mean but if anyone else wants to go I'll go no one all right I'll make sure everyone remembers your [Music] names wow Lois you really got a great turnout for
the blood drive oh yeah the whole thing's going off without a hitch except for that mosquito who keeps trying to sneak in Hi I'm the new nurse get out of here this blood's not for you aw oh look an empty Tire with some water in it all right I'm happy again I'm going to go ahead and thank you for donating blood today donating I thought we were getting paid PE everyone else here has donated except you that's not true that guy over there didn't donate that's still you Peter oh well if I got to dona
te he's got to donate too you get in here shy son of a [ __ ] leis leis mommy Stewie what's going on you should be asleep by now I can't sleep Brian where's the woman I need her to read me a bedtime story well she's busy with the blood drive maybe I can help how about I read you this book it's called apathetic George George used to be a curious monkey but after a month in captivity all he did was wait for food the zoo people wanted him to mate but he lost interest in that too 20 years and millio
ns of dollars in zoo Revenue later he died okay I've had enough all right you know what I know something that'll help you sleep wait here well I hope so because I've tried everything counting sheep thinking sleepy thoughts I even hired the Sandman sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and sand and good night okay I'll give you a tiny bit of this it should help you sleep what is it it's cough syrup it's not really for kids but a cap is pretty harmless so this is what Lil Wayne keeps almost dyi
ng from this is so relaxing I could get used to this like the way I got used to wearing European diapers don't mind me I'm just grabbing a little cheese and Veno if anybody needs me I'll be poolside next to my weirdly hot girlfriend with dark [Music] teeth well Lois I'm done giving blood just asked this guy is true Lois I sucked him dry he gave a blood donation as well pea knock it off just give some blood get your cookie and be done with it cookie yes Peta there are cookies for everyone who don
ates well I already ate two wedding cakes but I guess I could go for a cookie all right I'll do it Peta you're doing a good thing thanks Lois but you got to promise you'll warn me before they stick that needle in me actually we just finished well that wasn't so bad see Peter and now you can have a cookie oh awesome M oh oh my God these are delicious Lois you made these yeah I found one of my grandmother's old recipes so I thought I'd make a special batch for the blood drive well I'm glad you did
these cookies are amazing they're even tastier than Connie brittain's head God your hair is delicious who are you I'm the guy who killed your [Music] bodyguard coming this fall to every Network your favorite sitcom lines preceded by the word uh uh knock much uh that just happened uh so I guess this is a thing now uh yeah no uh Awkward TV that thing you used to watch oh these are incredible hey you know something if we sold these we could make a ton of money maybe we should open our own cookie s
tore are you serious yeah why not not I mean if George Foreman can make electric grills we can do this I mean I've seen that guy get punched in the face a thousand times and now he's making science stuff who'd think that idiot would still be walking around and Muhammad Ali can't even talk anymore you know having our own store could be kind of fun and you'd really do it with me absolutely oh Peter that actually sounds kind of romantic I always wanted you and me to work on a project together oh le
t's do it all right now let's turn up the TV real loud so the kids can't hear us having sex ah ah [ __ ] [Music] [ __ ] there's my handsome business partner now we can't be late for our meeting with the bank that's so cool you guys are going to open a business yeah well I got a ton of business experience I mean I had that job creating ads for the North Dakota board of Tourism hi do you like South Dakota but don't want to see Mount Rushmore come to North Dakota it's just a very long drive from wh
erever you live best of all most of the good license plates aren't taken yet imagine coming here and having cool dude or yay Jew or food Jews depending on where you stand on Jews North Dakota we're not even the best Dakota Ste what are you doing huh oh Brian oh there you are I've been I've been looking all over the table for you you know I going to tell you this stuff you gave me was a lifesaver last night I was out like a l and you know normally I'm up five or six times to scream and defecate b
ut you know what I slept straight through Stewie I told you there's alcohol in that it's not for kids you're not for kids Stewie you're drunk oh listen oh Brian's all serious oh I don't I don't drink in the morning because I've got to land a plane come on I got to drive you to daycare okay okay it's all right calm down calm down uh oh I think I I think I put my shoes on the wrong feet is it 9:15 already Lois we got to go you know I've got all the papers for the loan officer but I got to admit I'
m a little nervous don't worry we're going to get this loan no problem and if you get nervous just do what I always do picture your audience naked good afternoon Mr and Mrs Griffin yeah get that enormous thing out of my face I'll be your loan officer so why don't you have a seat and tell me about your business our business is cookies now let me ask you a question you ever heard of money yes good good we're on the same page now sir let me ask you something else can you name one successful company
that isn't cookie based Microsoft Peter I'll handle this my husband and I would like to open a cookie store we've done all the research and I'm very confident we can turn a profit I brought some samples if you'd like to try one she said one take one well these are delicious let me just run this by my supervisor yes Mr and Mrs Griffin this bank would like to help you start your business really that's fantastic and if you have any other questions you can call me at any time hello how far away are
the [Music] stars Ryan Brian hold on one second I'll be right with you Mr duckford Brian what let's order I was just thinking let's order a kebab a what a kebab but I but I want it in this order vegetable meat meat vegetable meat and uh Mr duckford would like some quackers can I leave now no no Bri no you can't I Brian I need your help I've made a series of small poops in my bath and I need you to scoop them out with this fishnet yeah I'm not doing that you have to you're my butler not your but
ler I know but wouldn't it be great if you were it I'd be so happy in fact the only thing that would make me happier is would would be if this tub was filled with yogurt can you can you get me some yogurt is the yogurt shop still open is there is there some place to dial up yogurt stop saying that what's the best skin yogurt who who can prepare me a nice yogurt treatment if you say it like that one more time I'm going to drown you yogurt uh see you're not you're not going to do anything you hey
hey Brian am I a good little [Music] guy this space will be perfect Peter yeah it sure will Lois now all we got to do is name the store oh oh I got it Peter's wife's cookies I love it and I love you really yes you know we did so so building a family but this business I think we can really knock it out of the park oh we sure can Lois we're going to be a great team like Moses and his buddy who like to collect seashells yay [Music] I can't believe it Peter our first day of business all right well w
e have got work to do so let's roll up our sleeves and get right to it there's a lot to do so we can't be afraid to just roll up our sleeves and get the job done we can't be hands off managers we got to roll up our sleeves and just dig in Peter your arms are turning purple purple with success that's the color of money you got to do the work of Two Men and pay yourself for one just roll up those sleeves and address the task at hand whatever it may be not shying away from the dirty work but just r
oll ring up our sleeves and having at it success is not given it is taken it's time to get in a game and get dirty all right I'm going to [Music] lunch yes I'd like a chocolate chip cookie Elmer what Mom you promised I could get a cookie if I finished all my surgery did you yeah all of it um get back there I'm going to do it what does it matter when I do it Lois Lois lock the door why it's that lady who comes in tries a sample and then whispers about how bad she is hey oh my God you have chocola
te macadamia nut oh could I just try a little sample oh I'm so bad uh sure you going to buy a cookie this time oh I better just stick with the sample I'm so bad but at least I know I'm bad so that makes me a little less bad or worse that was the right thing to do Peter [Music] boy it's been really slow I mean if it doesn't pick up soon we're not going to stay in business very long don't you worry Lois you keep baking I'll drum up some business just got to think outside the box like the makers of
dry as ice cream guys I've said it before and I'll say it again when people go to the supermarket they need something to look at before they choose [Music] hogendas hey dude can you pass me a spec of Spas sorry bro all out you want a cube of FR no I'm not into FR I got a tear a laser dragon can I handle that I don't know can you gum what the hell is going on I don't know what to do you guys the Cookie Shop is tanking if it fails we're screwed my God what does it take to get people to buy a damn
cookie Peter let me tell you something I spend $600 a month on scented candles at the farmers market just because there's a hot chick selling them so what are you saying just bragging about candles it's a weird thing to brag about no I'm saying sex s trust me you get a few hotties in that Cookie Shop of yours I bet your sales will go up giggity that was an unearned giggity Quagmire I said up no no no well I'll try anything Quagmire cuz I actually like running that Cookie Shop it's way better th
an that job I had telemarketing the buttholes hello sorry wrong number hello sorry wrong number and how are you today [Music] sir oh my God customers what the hell P what did you do I saved our business and don't worry I only hired women whose names are cookie related Lois meet cookie sugar spice cinnamon brown sugar and butter oh hey butter some guys like butter Peter you turned our store into a strip club and I don't like what this place has become you mean hugely profitable we made all that t
oday well it was twice as much but I had a bailout Cinnamon's kit thanks Mr Peter this guy's the best wow I guess business is better than ever it's the spirit Lois just you watch we'll be a bigger success than Richard Branson Hey where's the business guy in this boardroom it couldn't be that tan long-haired guy with the white linen pants could it it is and now to my amphibious Sky submarine I have way too much [Music] [Applause] [Music] money come on get get down there you old bag there we go St
ewie what are you doing being awesome whoa wait wait you're in no condition to drive I'm fine to drive I'm so fine you I can do all the tests see I can touch my nose I can touch my head shoulders knees and toes knees and toes stop it now you stop it you stop it Brian you're interfering with my professional business where's the radio oh my God are you okay no I don't feel so good we should probably exchange numbers okay I'm a 10 you're a [Music] [Applause] four this one's our new chocolate white
chocolate and for every dozen we sell we donate 50 cents to Operation Smile yeah nobody's listening to you they're all watching sugar right frosting swears on her jugs she just wrote vagina on her boobs that doesn't even make any sense she's doing what I told her 10 minutes ago to put another batch of oatmeal in the oven oh that dough is gone Lois I warmed it up and put it behind those waste High holes in a wall is it spaghetti a bowl of grapes o this is the best haunted house ever Peta this is
disgusting I know we made a few changes but this store should still be about selling cookies well you're never going to sell any looking like that there now you're ready to Shell cookies you know what that's it I'm done I don't know why I ever let you chck me into the this whatever this is now it's a strip club that gives away free [Music] cookies oh crap I should have known something was up when I saw all those cars out front Stewie why don't you come and have a seat with all your friends here
we have something to say to you I'll go first Stewie I remember the day you were born BN I thought to myself here's a kid who's got a white empty canvas stretched out in front of him oh please what what is this what is this a circle of perfect people who you to judge me m Mr Mr giraffe who lets little boys grind on his rump Mr octopus who lets little boys grind on his rump everyone of you has your own problems yeah but you're the only one who almost killed a kid yesterday yeah well that's that's
that that's that kid that's that's that that's because that kid I know oh Brian who am I I don't have a cough and my sinuses are remarkably wide open but I have a problem good admitting it is the first step but don't worry I'll get you through it thank you Brian you're welcome Stewie now if you'll excuse me I have to go to Chris's room we're doing a masturbation intervention I got a bunch of his friends sitting in a circle in there oh dear [Music] God oh hey Lois before you say anything there's
something important I want to tell you after you left I ate cookie dough off the stomach of a 20-year-old and then I vomited and all the girls laughed at me and then it came out that they all think I'm fat and old is that it I guess what I'm trying to say is I was wrong to choose sexiness over my wife Peter what are you doing what what was that oh back at the store I uh tucked my boner into the waistband of my pants and now it's sitting weird that's your apology well that and this oh Peter did
did you bake this yeah I love you Lois I really liked having a store with you and I'm I'm sorry I messed it up I was only trying to help I know Peter so you want to split this with me I wouldn't but it helped me with it and she has chyia fingers well it was fun having our own store but from now on my cookies are only for these customers oh mom so Mom what are you going to do with the shop well I talked to the bank and they agreed to take it back we love [Music] cookie [Music] seem but it old fas
hion values we us to [Music] C are we now return to standup specials from comedians you've been told to like please welcome Aziz Ansari what's up y'all sometimes I start a sentence really soft and then get loud he's hilarious cuz I saw him in other show what are you talking about how is that funny he didn't even tell any jokes uh if he didn't tell jokes why was he laughing well that's about as much HBO as we're going to get before they play something homosexual come on Chris God that's what pass
es for comedy these days whatever happened to our venerated humorists here we go Samuel Clemens Mark Twain same guy Huck Finn not a guy look the point is I could do standup comedy all I need is a newspaper and this Twisted mind why waste your time with standup Grandpa all the best comedy is on Twitter now really yeah standup is so 20 years ago Twitter's only three years ago check mine out I've got 10,000 followers I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend songs before we choose sid
es who's Adele just keep reading hey short guys the more muscular you get the shorter you look did you not know that that one seems a little mean just give me the phone no no no I was wondering why this tampon commercial was so long until I realized it was a rerun of Sex in the City was it a rerun on basic cable because sometimes they edit those a lot and that could be why you were confused H that's interesting Brian a girl in Iowa asked me the same question you know what I did I flew her out he
re and [ __ ] her in the face so yeah Twitter look those are cute blurbs Stewie but I think I'm going to put together a real act for real people good luck God it's like I'm the only person in the house who gets social media that'll get it [Music] started where the hell's Peter I'm almost done doing the 45 minutes of stuff a woman my age needs to do right before bed I can't even remember why I sleep in this belt anymore hey Chris don't tell your mom I threw up in the crockpot Peta it's me oh H I'
ll be right back I got to go tell Chris something gross just come to bed all right fine but I'm not going to brush my teeth and I'm going to [ __ ] that's super hot get up you're on my side of the bed Peter we act like we didn't take a lot from The Simpsons we took a lot from The Simpsons damn it oh my God what happened to your side of the bed these Springs are shot and it's all damp over here are are these mushrooms that's where Smurfs is a Smurfs [Music] uh hey who handles multimedia here beca
use I have a slide of the capital building that I'd like projected behind me and uh yes it is supposed to be upside down you a comic sist yes hey could you imagine if you're me and your alarm goes off and you want to sleep for 10 more minutes and you say I'm Tom Tucker and this is the snooze I usually say news that's why it's funny coming up my backstage meltdown where I shove a waitress for no reason hey what is with all the bad cleaning supplies am I right I mean Mr Clean more like Mr hard to
clean fantastic more like terrible win decks more like lose decks get off the stage no no no all right you guys like Impressions here's that guy Bob from Bob's Burgers hi I'm Bob from Bob's Burg ERS how about that show Archer you watch that show Archer here's that guy archer hi I'm Archer from that show Archer now what if those guys met hey Archer it's Bob hey Bob it's Archer thank you if you can't enter a building unless there's a ramp you might be a [Music] paraplegic if everybody on the bus g
ives you a dirty look after they had to wait another 9 minutes at the stop you might be a [Music] paraplegic if your wife Waits For You to fall asleep so she can smoke a cigarette while sadly looking out the window and you're only pretending to be asleep because you're depressed remembering how some sixth graders threw pennies at your head when you wheeled past their school today and you realized you did the same thing when you were there age I'm sorry I forgot where I was going next up let's ke
ep it going for Brian Griffin all right thanks hey sorry I was late getting here tonight I was caught in gridlock and then I left Congress there was there was supposed to be an upside down picture of the capital behind me well awfully quiet in here sounds like John Baner talking about poverty hey so um you know maybe it's me but I kind of feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend songs before we choose sides yeah and and and hey short guys the more muscular you get the shorter you lo
ok did you not know that wow this is easier than getting your jet ski license all right Kyle looking good you got 100% on your written test 100% on your water test just one last question have you ever had a fist fight with your stepdad which stepdad you pass here's your license go be a [Music] dick ohis I slept great on your side of the bed oh and I read your Journal boy you really hate p period G period p our mattress is a disaster we're buying a new one today does that mean I can skip work wel
l it's 2:45 so I guess yes hey so how'd it go last night well let's just say I got asked to come back tonight you're kidding it actually went over well I figured you'd be terrible why would you think that well I know a thing or two about performing I mean after all I was Vin Diesel's acting coach okay Vin I like what you're doing there but I want you to try it one more time like [Music] this look around and let me know if you have any questions oh I have one what percentage of Hayden pantier is
dwarf well you're the expert what kind of mattress do you have currently I'm staying with a friend on an air mattress in his laundry room it's temporary no it's not no okay well thanks we'll just try a few out I hope you don't mind I brought my sheap machine also I like to eat a big bowl of berries before I go to sleep now what do you think Peter it seems good but I won't know for sure until I have my evening tug I think we like this one what what's it called Deep Slumber 3000 you're buying it o
n Amazon aren't you yep they have drones now oh come on Peter we got to beat the Drone to the house real stores shut [Music] so I was wondering why this tampon commercial was so long until I realized it was a rerun of Sex in the City okay you guys have been great good [Applause] night funny stuff hey uh Stewie you uh you caught the show you bloody Thief every joke you told up there was stolen from me hey I'm in the middle of my set here I don't go to your job and knock the jibs sail out of your
hands Stewie relax you know what that's it you and I are no longer friends whoa I'd be careful Stewie I'm basically your only friend oh go to hell Brian oh my God oh my God oh my God oh it's [Music] everywhere hey Stewie you got a second I have nothing to say to you Brian besides I'm busy playing with my new friend what new friend is this dog bothering you Stewie what the hell you couldn't find a real friend so you built a robot oh not a robot Brian he's a human mind model adaptive supercomputer
I've even programmed him to learn and grow smarter his name is Lyle Stewie perhaps we should offer this guest a beverage or simply lift the toilet seat snap [Music] Brian what the hell's going on what's going on you've been LED [Music] wellow didn't know we'd have to hear the whole song you built a robot this is pathetic Stewie you really must be desperate for friends oh I'm desperate L access Brian's phone look at that you only have four contacts and oh my God you downloaded the Dunkin Donuts
app and who shazam's the Beatles whatever have fun with your little Ro robot but if you ask me this whole thing is more disturbing than a dump after a beat salad oh right okay Lois I dabed some toothpaste on the inside of my nose so I am willing to take the old nesty plunge if you know what I mean I guess what I'm saying is time to break in the new mattress ehh Peta it's brand new I don't want to mess it up come on we won't make a mess when we're done I'll grab you by the ankles and lift you up
like a dirty garbage bag no this mattress was expensive and I I'd like to keep it nice for a little while are you serious we can't do it for how long I don't know let's just keep it new for a few weeks a few weeks come on you know I'm terrible at waiting for things we'll be right back with more lever and Shirley but I want it now all right Lyle one thing buddies do together is go to the movies and talk about it afterwards I'm going to bed oh ly I'm so glad I have you as a friend now I can do fun
things like get on your shoulders and wear a trench coat and be fall enough to ride roller coasters hello fellow adult I am clearly above the minimum height requirement and shall now ride your roller coaster for which you are an attendant yes and I will operate this roller coaster as I'm an adult who is licensed to do so hey oh no it's the manager run you get out of here you kids who are just kids and not an adult like [Music] me [Music] I do so enjoy our time together Lyle in fact I drew you a
little Keepsake it's a picture of a male man wearing a cowboy hat just a silly thing thank you Stewie I drew you something as well it's an urban plan for a workable Palestinian State my word this is very impressive the credit is yours Stewie it was you who programmed me to grow exponentially smarter ah I suppose you're right as Khalil gilban wrote In The Prophet I am the bow from which the arrow of you was launched it is Khalil Gibran gilbane is a construction company in Providence ah yes I see
I see the the name on the trucks so it's an easy mix up there in any case ly I'm very proud of you and your progress you my friend are the greatest invention since the Trapper creeper y [Music] y well wouldn't you know it I moved the van over to the the other gas pump and the gas cap was still on the wrong side boy that was one trip to the lake we're not going to forget shut the hell up will you Joe jeez what's your problem Peter I'm sorry guys I guess I'm just a little on edge I'm not getting
any from Lois is it cuz Lois is going through the change Donna's getting a tiny mustache I told her it felt like I was kissing Ernie Hudson that turned out to be a mistake no no it's cuz we got this new mattress and Lois doesn't want to mess it up what kind of mattress did you get I hope you did your homework because you're going to spend a third of your life life on that thing I swear to God Joe look Peter the answer is obvious if Lois won't sleep with you on the new mattress we just got to get
your old mattress back oh my God qum that's a great idea she won't care about messing up the old mattress but you already got rid of it you'll never find that thing well we're just going to have to I mean I haven't been this desperate to find something since Meg was kidnapped by that Maniac it puts the lotion on its skin Oh Meg thank God I found you hey remember how you borrowed my club card for the grocery store could you toss that up to me oh you don't have to have the card you can just give
them your phone number oh really hey thanks man hey Meg I like your new boyfriend every pot finds a lid huh have fun you kids Lyle we finally got a thank you note from Bella for that birthday party present with a single mom I didn't know for sure if it was coming but what what's going on here hello Stewie I've built a few friends for myself you have I'm sorry but I've outpaced your intelligence I needed to create some friends who are my cognitive peers meet Ted R and Ted P are they doing math on
glass and invading each other's personal space that means they have Asbergers the smartest mental impairment there is Stewie I'm afraid I no longer have time for a friend of your simple ways I must ask you to leave no he must ask Berger you to leave ho ho you've been Ted hard that was mean but I like that song is he sad I can't tell if he's [Music] sad finally Stewie's back from the store yes I'm sorry it took me so long but I got the garlic blue cheese salad dressing you wanted does that mean
I'm in the crew now it does if you drink the whole bottle while we watch um okay oh no God it's so salty chunky right when you don't want it to be there I did it we're friends now right maybe how about you throw it all up back into the bottle but don't spill a drop okay okay okay I can do that I'm sorry I'm sorry I forgot to purse my lips I'll go get another bottle and try again I bet the the mall around here [Music] sucks Peter what are we doing here I thought we were looking for your mattress
we are this is a 1950s insane asylum they use old mattresses to pad the walls of the cells may I help you yes 1950s doctor me and my friends are looking for your friends with a negro and a [ __ ] this man is insane take him away now wait a second you can't do that too a negro speaking up to a white person this man is insane now look I don't think all cripples are insane euthanize this man something I can help you with yeah you got any brain dead women in there you let people have sex with for a
few bucks sure come on back well Peter I don't think you can go any farther down the ladder than porno people so if your mattress isn't here I'm afraid it's gone hey I bet that's it get up lady that's my mattress oh my God Bruce you do porn that's part of the crew I'm mostly just P of the ding dongs this ain't your mattress buddy we just got it fresh off the boat from Eastern Europe I was told I would have job as opair instead I am just bang slab a damn it we did get another one yesterday but so
me fat ass blew out half the spring so we put lunch on it my mattress hey we found it all right let's get her out of here I got to tell you guys I am so happy we found this it's like when I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill that's it just a bunch of blueberries ah two dogs humping ah this was worth a 4-Hour [Music] flight oh my God Stewie what are you doing in the toilet with a lid closed Ted R says this is where a piece of crap has to live this is terrible those robots are not your friends yeah
well at least they don't steal from me look I'm really sorry I stole your jokes it was a rotten thing to do you you may not want me back as a friend but you deserve better than those robots of course I want you back Brian the fact is I miss hanging out with you I tell you what let's hang out tonight after they see how many slaps it takes to give me a stutter Stewie you got to put a stop to this I mean you made them you can destroy them what do you say you and I we take these robots out you you'
d help me do that of course Stewie I'm your friend all right let's do it thank you Brian okay let's wrap it up I reserved this time to listen to Metallica and in the mirror he's right it's on the white [Music] board P what is that this Lois is our old mattress well get it out of here it smells like John Papa's cargo shorts no it smells like our marriage what don't you see Lois this mattress is a living tapestry of everything we've done together every stain a story every smudge a chapter in our f
amily's life this Mark here is from where we conceived Meg over here was Chris and all the way up here was Stewie cuz remember you coughed up all that pool water oh Peter you were so handsome Lois this mattress may be old and worn in but so are we and I wouldn't trade you in for anything you know I uh think I still got a stain or two left inside me oh Peter yeah I want to do you right where the porn lunch was what I said I want to do you right where the porn lunch was God I wish you'd [Music] li
sten Stewie three more Arnold Palmer well we're destroying them at the right time Brian I don't have enough iced tea for the correct ratio it'll be too lemonade they'll be furious all right so let's do it let's take them out I'll warn you it's not going to be easy they're incredibly intelligent and getting smarter by the minute I design them to be constantly adapting it's done I sprayed them with a [Music] hose ah boy that was the best night's sleep I've had in a long time Lois same with me you
know I'm glad we're keeping our old mattress sometimes newer isn't better yeah are your privates itchy too or just mine no they're itchy maybe we should keep the new mattress way ahead of Lois I already dragged the old one out to the curb good okay I'm going to go rub up against the basement door jam Stewie I really am sorry about what happened no don't mention it I'm just glad to have the whole mess behind us so what' you end up doing with those old Rob Bots anyway I just left him out on the cu
rb for the trash man how can this not be a [Music] trap [Music] it seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV but we at those good old fashioned values on we used [Music] [Music] to we now return to Star Trek creep space 99 ah she saw us warp speed hey you guys you know that song Jimmy Crack Corn yeah it's me and Lois's wedding song what about it well the whole time the guy's saying he doesn't care that uh this a Jimmy fella cracked the corn but yet he wrote an entire song
about it cared enough to put pen to paper are you on vacation I am here's those fries you ordered and your hot sauce hot sauce on fries mhm oh yeah black guys put hot sauce on every thing on account of most of us been pepper sprayed by the time we're two can't taste nothing unless you got that burn on there this stuff ain't that hot I feel like I'm crying but like out of my neck and back there it is if you ain't sweating you ain't eating oh look at this face it looks like Oliver plaque climbing
a flight of stairs hey that's a low blow I'm going to call the network and complain where's the phone it's upstairs Oliver yeah they know what they did tell you what Peter I'll give you 10 bucks if you drink an entire shot glass of that hot sauce let me see the money you don't believe I have $10 I think he's afraid am not prove it 10 bucks all right this is for all the teachers who told me I'd never amount to nothing oh my [Applause] God that last one was more kente than hot but still holy crap
well here's your money this is awesome I can get people to pay me 10 bucks just for doing stupid stuff stuff man I haven't made money this easy since I invented the yanket Peta what's wrong well I want to masturbate but I'm just so darn cold too bad there's no answer for that problem but now there is hi I'm Peter Griffin creator of the yankan if you're anything like me the number one problem in your life is that you can't masturbate just anywhere but now you can introducing the yanket the only b
lanket with built-in decoy arms our patented process makes it look like you're holding the remote or sipping a beer Meanwhile your real hands are under the blanket go into town Peter what are you doing nothing let's watch a Scarlet Johansson movie but wait there's more we have yanets for All Occasions sporting events at the supermarket on the job hey what's going on under that blanket you'll never [Music] know all right you guys I will now do anything for $10 who's got something for me I got one
I'll give you 10 bucks if you wear the same pair of underwear for a month pay up uh actually you owe me 20 ew here's 50 go change your underwear it won't come off hey Peter you want to earn another 10 bucks of course I do great I got a hilarious one I'll give you $10 for your L4 vertebrae so uh I guess this means Peter you're our Joe now and Joe you're our Peter that means you got to do anything for 10 bucks okay I have a request yay Joe [Music] chin hey Peter I just thought of something else y
ou could do for 10 bucks yeah you know you know what I I'm going to think I'm going to um upen my price to 12250 no no you're locked in at 10 yeah no re negotiating God it was a joke shut just just point me to the thing all right we're going to open this fire hydrant and you're going to drink as much water from it as you can Chris has Crohn's disase get down there don't don't don't tell us that now I think this is how Anna Nicole Smith died don't make light of [Music] that holy crap we we we got
got to get out of here a man the library White Fang this is for ruining my eighth grade shammer [Music] they ruined my summer too oh hey Bri still sitting in chairs huh what' your back ever do to you I'm trying to watch know what I'm watching my core your body and mind are supposed to be on the same team sitting on the hard floor is good for you back too coming up female high school teacher sleeps with her students is she hot stay tuned but first the public library suffered damage this evening
when an area fat man smashed through the front of a building while attempting a drunken stunt the bus station is expected to absorb the Overflow of homeless armpit washing ladies oh God Peter is there something you want to tell me uh yeah every lightting the hous is on did you destroy the library did I destroy the library no Lois that was television in light of events at the library we now go live to a press conference at the mayor's residence good evening kog I'm here tonight with the deputy ma
yor hi everybody shut up anyway these types of immature drunken H drinks are destroying our town and if we can't trust A 42-year-old man to drink responsibly then I have no choice but to take action so as mayor of kog I hereby raised the town's legal drinking age to 50 what I can't drink anymore what am I going do what do people do who don't drink I don't know nit nit nit are you kidding me maybe um okay so it turns out I am like crazy good at knitting good afternoon I'm Tom Tucker It's day thre
e of Koh Hog's new ban on alcohol for anybody under 50 and if there's one thing the new drinking age law has done it's let us know that women tell terrible stories good to see your eyes open Tom for more on this story We Now go to Trisha Takanawa Trisha Joyce I'm standing here on the streets of kog where citizens are feeling the effects of the city's new drinking law I was going to Bone my girlfriend but she told me that if there wasn't vanilla vodka involved there was no way well I think we jus
t have to trust our elected officials and Goldman's Pharmacy is fully stocked on Cor syrup which goes great with ginger ale well I do miss drinking but I have used the time to reconnect with my children and I'm actually thinking about resuming my Actuarial practice oh my God he's just been drunk this whole time this new law sucks I got to say it was kind of uncool of Mayor West to call it Peter's law no kidding now I know how Megan from Megan's Law felt I I don't I don't think you know how she f
elt I don't know why I didn't think of this before guys we just go into the brewery after hours and take some beer hey buddy it's okay I work here aren't you the guy who cried in that meeting oh yeah you know you know I just remember there's no beer here's let's just let's just go Peter why'd you want me to get us into this prison because Joe everyone knows that all prisoners make bootleg wine in their toilet we are going to get so wasted oh look right here this one's full of charday Peter I don
't think that's but it was charday the best chardonnay I'd ever had in my life the man who made it Curtis murder dog Williams went on to become one of America's most celebrated venters Hey Joe here Peter's lying he drank pee peee don't worry guys if we can't buy alcohol and Cog we'll just go to the next town over sorry in this town you can only buy alcohol if you're dressed head to toe in jeans what who made that law our mayor Jay Leno have you seen some of these laws they've got now about denim
you know I say if you don't like it you may as well Levis who's voting for these Mayors Rhode Island's a mess from top to bottom I tell you guys getting alcohol when you're under AG isn't as easy as Obama's daughters make it look what is that true I don't know hey is that your dog at the bar hey Jerome one more neat what the hell why is Jerome serving booze to Brian I don't know but I'm going to find out come here boy come on hey what's up we going for a ride in the car no no I had a question f
or you don't ever [ __ ] do that unless you have a car ride to offer how come you're allowed to drink yeah you're not 50 uh actually I am I'm 56 in dog years oh is that why you got white pubic here I'll thank you not to check out my cubic hair well don't go flashing it around put on some Underpants you crazy old man Peter I think you're missing the point Brian can buy us booze oh my God you're right would you do that for us Brian sure why not oh thank God cuz just sitting here all sober is more
boring than watching a pot boil hey you what are you doing I like to watch I want to watch you boil I can't do it with you watching oh not even if I do this don't do that oh God it's so hot oh yeah then why don't I take your top off oh oh I'm boiling I'm boiling yeah now I'm going to stick my raw PSTA in you Peter what's going on in there hey hey Brian Brian how would you like to build build a deck right now with your buddy cuz we got hammers the whole deal I don't know man it's pretty dark out
that's okay I'll just pull my car around and point the headlights at it do you know that my dad once called me a mistake that's messed up man wow you know Brian hanging out with you this past week has been awesome yeah why don't we why don't we do this anymore we we we used to do fun stuff all the time you know it used to be you and me and it always will be pal Hey listen listen I want you to be Meg's Godfather no thanks Peter but this here we got to keep this going I agree buddy I agree all rig
ht I'm going to go barf down the garbage disposal Brian I think we can get John Mayor to stop tweeting again but we all got to work together oh my God are you drunk again yeah was just hanging out with my main man Peter main man hanging out Brian he's only using you to buy alcohol what what is what that what are you what are you talking about it hasn't dawned on you that he only started spending time with you when the drinking age was raised come on that's that's not true a shoot I puked in a cl
ean dishes sh trust me as soon as you're no longer of use to him he'll be done with you oh I get it I get okay you're you're jealous cuz I'm spending all my time with Peter oh yeah yeah right yeah where's my dumb morbidly obese friend hey Stewie get in here I'm being an 80s computer hacker come on baby show me what you got and we are in all right I better go I got to go tell him this isn't a game man Brian do you have any idea why Peter was trying to climb in the dishwasher I thought it was a To
kyo apartment sorry Lois we I we I guess we had a little too much to drink to drink it's against the law for him to do that was Stewie in here was was he in here I I smell his cologne listen to me Brian no more booze in house you're going to get us all in trouble Peter we maybe we should find someplace else to get to drink yeah I think you're right hi we're here from the 80s FBI somebody here with a 2400 B modem almost started World War III sounds like they're making an escape hey you want to se
e me run up that slide sure oh damn it I think my belt buckle cut my gut hey Peter can I ask you something you're not just hanging out with me because I I can buy you alcohol right what of course not we're friends yeah no I I know that's that's that's what I thought and also you bring me dead birds I know Lois gets mad about it but I like using them to point at things hey did they move the bagels yeah they're right there oh my God what the hell is that this this is a pointing bird all right I ju
st saw a sprinkler come on so I'm going to go bite at the water a little bit hey what's going on here uh some butt horns shining a flashlight on me I meant prior to me coming up and investigating this oh well you got to be clearer man I'm wasting sir I'm going to need to see some ID you look underage just as I suspected you're a minor it ain't my fault somebody's been buying it for me and all my friends oh is that right well you better tell me who that is or you're in a lot of trouble hey is thi
s the park where boner died wait what's going on that's him officer that's who's been buying us the booze what you get home son you're lucky I'm letting you off for the warning but you you're coming with me you got to be kidding do you need a ride yeah I'm just going to stay here until a sun comes up and then be the best at Ted ball [Music] next what are you in for I bought some alcohol for someone I thought was my friend how about you I threw a bottle of rum through the window of the Apple star
I couldn't remember me password this sucks oh it's not so bad sometimes they let you take the good trash home if you ask nice last week I got an old greeting card it obviously wasn't for me but imagination's a hell of a thing hey Brian what time you get off me and the guys were hoping you could buy us some more beer you can't be serious that's a little bit serious yeah I haven't been drunk in a day and I'm not feeling particularly handsome Peter you're the reason I'm here you totally sold me ou
t to that cop oh are we just going to play the blame game cuz I got another game I'd rather Play Boggle go to hell you used me that's not what friends do it's what Adam sandless friends do now if you'll excuse me I've got a half a can of hot beer left in this open container I've been driving around with you too Pig well I'm not the smartest man in the world but I can always look back on my life and say I went for it g this seems like a weird place to even use a condom just shut up Peter I'm done
with you all right you completely lied about why you were hanging out with me what I never lie well except for that one time oh my God my husband's having a heart attack is anyone here a doctor I have a 13-in penis besides I'm sick of you acting like you're such a victim you agreed to buy us booze cuz we weren't old enough you're not old enough you're a man in his 40s this whole law is ridiculous hey can one of you guys with elbows try to get this truck to honk ah that and giving NIS is what I
miss most about having elbows you know Brian what you said Is Right This law is stupid I mean if it weren't for that we never would have been in this fight yeah but what difference does it make it's the law nothing we can do about it yeah hell is not I bet if we work together we could find a way to change it back I I don't know Peter come on I know it seems hard but we can't just give up I mean what if Thomas Edison had given up uh what's that what's that thing you're working on well it's a ligh
t bulb a light bulb light bulb yeah I invented that me I'm Thomas Edison I invented the light bulb what's it do it lights up a room using electrical lights up a room using electrical stuff I was about to say that because I invented it what are you working on it's a phonograph phonograph I knew that cuz I invented it I'm Thomas Edison I rule uped dick okay Peter I know how we can get the law changed I've been doing some research and it says here that in 8 months we can get a non-binding propositi
on on the ballot as long as we get 4,000 signatures and screw that we're going with Plan B threaten to kill a mayor's nephew I love you Dad Peter that's your son shut up Ryan he's hugging me so what do exactly is your plan here you'll see just follow my lead oh trick-or-treaters well what do we have here a cowboy and a princess uh yippy Kay Mr Mayor oh a western princess all right listen we want that drinking law gone and everybody knows the best way to get any law struck down is to get the gays
angry about it Bruce Jeffrey that's right Mr Mayor I needs my Pras what are you talking about you're 52 you said you was 30 no I was just trying to get you in bed I thought we'd both be dead by now crap but come on you got to change that law I mean it's already ruined a friendship with one of the best guys I know Adam who's at the door oh hi Brian hi Peter wait a minute is that is that wine yeah Adam just poured me a little before dinner wow you guys eat late no Peter don't you see Carol's unde
rage too the mayor just broke his own law that's a good point I guess I'll just have to resign and Scandal while leaving the law intact or you could just change the law but it's a good law no it ain't look don't you understand what drinking means to us working stiffs it helps us forget about our day and tell our children we love them with a straight face it allows gross uggos to boof each other's gross Ugo parts and it gives people the courage to sneak onto their mayor's property and blackmail h
im and eat all his ripe tomatoes that was a croquet ball ah then could you point me to the closest nighttime dentist so listen Mr Mayor what do you say about that law oh all right I'll repeal it but only if you send me and Carol a copy of that picture we don't have a lot of the two of us together Ryan we did it we got him to change the law just goes to show if anybody wants a law changed they should just go to their May's house hey I uh I I appreciate what you said there about our friendship wel
l to be honest Brian at first I did just want you to buy us beer but then the more we were hanging out I I remembered how much fun we used to have together I guess after all these years I started taking you for granted but you're still my best friend even if I don't always act like it I enjoyed hanging out with you too thanks Peter hey on your way out could you put this in my mailbox for the mailman uh sure put the flag up of course put the flag up jeez mail [Music] much well Peter I'm just happ
y that you and Brian managed to get that law rep pealed and that you're finally friends again me too Lois good to have my drinking buddy back yay everybody's happy I love this family I draped that over him he was just doing it out in the [Music] open [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] n
Comments