Family Guy Characters: Dumb to Brilliant 🧠

From the big, bumbling idiot Peter Griffin… to his super-genius baby who’s mastered time-travel… The town of Quahog is packed with characters of all different intellects. I’m Brad with WickedBinge, and these are Family Guy Characters: Dumb to Brilliant. With a show as wacky as Family Guy, characters are never FULLY consistent. Some dumb characters might have weirdly intelligent moments, and some smarter characters have their moments of stupidity, too. We’ll be doing our best to rank the characte

rs’ usual levels of intelligence–but bear in mind that there are always gonna be outliers. As usual, we’ll be starting with the characters who aren’t the brightest–these are the Dumb characters. In what should be a completely unsurprising reveal, the Gold Medal of Stupidity has to go to Chris Griffin. Honestly, who didn’t see this coming? Whether it’s book smarts or street smarts, it’s no secret that Chris is dense on a whole nother level. In the episode “German Guy,” one particularly hilarious

scene demonstrates his intellectual non-feats the best. When Peter successfully gets a pistol over to Chris, giving him an opportunity to shoot Gutentag, Chris states that he can’t tell which one is the real dad…despite them never switching places, or even looking the same. When Peter looks like the smart one in the room, you know you’ve reached new heights(or lows) of stupidity. On top of that, Chris is extremely unstable, often resorting to violence at the slightest inconvenience–like forcing

Stewie to ride the Stewie-Go-Round when he tries to make one of his “cool h’whip” jokes. Add all of that to his already subpar social skills, and you have a surefire recipe for the dumbest character in the show. Though there was that one time he directly asked Herbert if he was a predator, so we guess everyone has their moments. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, because next up is Peter Griffin. Really, his lack of brain cells needs no introduction–the only surprise about his placement s

hould be the fact that it isn’t the absolute lowest. Even in earlier seasons when Peter was making a sincere effort to care for his family, he had constant missteps along the way. As time goes on, however, he gets diagnosed with mental illness and slowly begins to behave more and more childlike on a good day–on a bad one, he’s outright braindead. Never forget that this man thought that crack cocaine was a perfectly acceptable substitute for alcohol when he was trying to quit. For all his stupidi

ty, though, Peter is at least a very creative guy–even if his ideas almost never work out, he never seems to run out of them. A good example is the pilot episode, in which Peter commits welfare fraud to give his family a nicer lifestyle. His logic may be flawed, but there are some times where he’s at least thinking, earning him only our second lowest spot. Next is the girl that got away from Brian…for better or worse. Jillian Russell-Wilcox is one of Brian’s many, many failed romantic endeavors.

It’s clear to everyone but Brian (and Jillian) that the only reason he’s truly with her is for her body–because, let’s be honest, there isn’t much going on up there. Ironically, despite being in a relationship with a dog, she’s the one who has an intelligence more comparable to that of an animal, able to be easily distracted by a laser pointer. She earns a few more points than our last 2 entries for her emotional intelligence, though–for all her stupidity, Jillian is objectively a very sweet an

d sincere person. She knows what she wants, and when she finds out Brian doesn’t want to live with her, she doesn’t hesitate to leave him and find someone new. She may not be the brightest, but she’s at least able to make decent decisions when need be. In any case, she deserved someone better than Brian…someone like Mayor Adam West, perhaps. This absolute legend was a mainstay before his namesake’s tragic passing. But while he was here, he acted as Quahog’s beloved–if unpredictable–mayor. Mayor

West could find the most overly convoluted solution to any problem, like when he wanted to get a sign warning people about his new dog–but instead of choosing one that reads “Beware of Dog,” he goes with a “one way” sign so the people will be aware that the only way out of his yard is in a bodybag. He also makes a controversial decision to honor fallen soldiers with a statue of Dig THEM–not Diggem’--the Sugar Smacks frog. In the midst of the backlash, he decides to distract the masses by outlawi

ng gay marriage. Adam West was a creative man, which is worth something–but given his instability and his lack of even basic logical thinking, he still ends up pretty low on our list. Rounding out the truly dumb characters is the Kool-Aid Man. Honestly, for all we know about the Kool-Aid man, he could be a Harvard graduate or a master of chemistry…but we still have to call him dumb because his whole entire life revolves around crashing headfirst through walls–this not only causes massive propert

y damage, but places the life of this glass pitcher in extreme peril. Even if he isn’t stupid, he’s certainly reckless. Now we’re getting into more mentally functional territory–these guys are Pretty Smart. Ernie the Giant Chicken is first in this middle-of-the-road category. Shame he couldn’t cross the whole way, right? Jokes aside, you know Ernie–he’s the big chicken who’s had beef with Peter ever since the earliest seasons of the show where he gave him that coupon…that DARN expired coupon. Ev

er since, it’s been on sight between these two–and honestly, anyone who’s willing to keep a feud over an expired coupon going for years with ludicrous amounts of property damage ensuing does NOT have the best judgment. Regardless, he’s smart enough to be a basically functional member of society apart from that, so we’ll at least let him escape being labeled as fully dumb. Now it’s time to move from a steadfast rival to a plain old bully, Connie d’Amico. It’s been a few seasons since Connie last

appeared in the show. Her most recent role was in the episode “Connie’s Celica,” in which she bullies Lois as revenge for getting her expelled. That episode is actually the reason she’s even this high on our list, though; Connie successfully uses her bullying skills to set up a fake murder scene and convince the police that it was the disgruntled Lois who had done the deed. It’s not enough to place her too high, but the fact that she was able to think so quickly to come up with such a ruthless p

lan is worth some intelligence points. From the bully to her favorite victim, next up is Meg Griffin. While Meg does share some of that classic Griffin family instability, she’s a far cry from as dumb as her brother is. Meg may be an outcast, even in her own family, but she’s at least capable of making an effort to be…whoever she wants to be in the episode of the week. This goes for anything, from fantasizing about becoming a getaway driver to surviving a stay in prison to even managing to kidna

p Brian once she’s interested in him. She’s no genius, but she is capable in a general sense, and can get things done when it counts. However, she’s also naive and impressionable–as most teenagers are–so we won’t put her any higher. Joe’s once-supportive wife, Bonnie Swanson is next. When it comes to intelligence, Bonnie is the type who usually just takes what she wants when she wants it. For example, she takes advantage of Joe’s devotion to their marriage by cheating on him constantly–knowing f

ull well that he won’t leave her. But she’s also impulsive–she doesn’t hesitate to take Lois along with her to Paris, even though she plans to cheat on Joe, who is Lois’s friend. There was also the time she ran away with Brian on impulse after they kissed at a party. She’s no genius, and she’s no idiot–but she has her moments that lean in both directions. His name is Cleveland Brown, and he is proud to be up next. Being the resident straight-man of the cast, Cleveland is the closest thing to a n

ormal, everyday guy in Quahog. He’s polite and passive, avoiding conflict wherever he can. With a stable job and income, a happy and mostly healthy family, and the maturity to reprise his role in Quahog after his spinoff failed, it’s clear that Cleveland has a good head on his shoulders. The only reason he isn’t higher is the fact that his people-pleasing tendencies can easily get him into dangerous situations with his friends–like when he’s already questioning joining the guys in the Bull Run c

ompetition, and immediately agrees to go beat alligators with sticks afterwards. Still, he’s a stable, decent guy–so he belongs right around the middle. And while he’s a little less decent, we’d be remiss if we left out Mort Goldman. He’s a nice enough guy, but that’s sadly balanced out by his greed. He scams people out of money regularly at his pharmacy, and eventually burns it down with the help of Peter and friends to get an insurance payout. He’s far from the deepest character in the cast, b

ut Mort does have some of those stereotypical money smarts, if nothing else. This might be a surprise, but up next is the Griffin family’s doctor, Dr. Elmer Hartman. While he’s often childish and pretty much ALWAYS careless with his practice, you can’t deny that having a medical degree on its own is a serious intellectual feat. He’s also sharp in terms of business–when Peter needs a kidney transplant, he volunteers himself since the Griffins are his only patients and he’d be out of business with

out them. His negligence lands him lower than he’d otherwise be, but as far as doctors who should be nowhere near a hospital go, Dr. Hartman isn’t a total lost cause. Now it’s time to talk about the show’s leading lady, Lois Griffin. By far the most responsible member of the Griffin family, Lois earns a lot of points for being able to handle Peter and his antics to any degree. She’s also musically gifted, and skilled enough on the piano to be able to teach it to children. In season 21, though, w

e see the darker side of her intellect; when she’s left a bad review on AirBnB, she tracks the woman down just to give her a poor review on DoorDash. As petty as it is, the fact that she went to such a length to get petty revenge and succeeded is a testament to just how smart(and ruthless) she can be. She can be kind and altruistic, but she’s not someone you wanna mess with. Peter’s deceased boss at Pawtucket Brewery, Angela, is next. We don’t have too much to say about Angela–she has good manag

ement skills given the amount of people under her at the company, and on a more unethical end, she’s able to coerce Peter into sleeping with her by manipulating his emotions. None of that is quite genius-level stuff, but it shows an ability to control people to a certain degree. While kind of scary, that is impressive. Now it’s time for everybody’s favorite softspoken gay icon, Bruce Straight. This ironically named guy is one of those characters who works all sorts of jobs. When he’s not helping

run women’s sensitivity classes, you might find him working at a bowling alley or even being a freaking exorcist. The sheer variety of skills Bruce can juggle effectively in his day-to-day life are enough to give him a relatively high spot on our list. He’s able to do everything from playing the xylophone to running a lucrative flea market to saving the Griffins from the spirit of a disgruntled Native American chief. Honestly, the guy has quite the resume. You never know what entry is gonna be

next–but this time it’s giggity-giggity-Glenn Quagmire. He’s a pilot by day, and a sex-crazed maniac by night…and usually also by day. Quagmire has the skills to coerce women CONSTANTLY, and is able to keep a pretty cool head no matter what he’s doing. His piloting skills come to mind as he’s been able to keep a cool head in the cockpit -giggity- to save the lives of everyone on board. What really makes us put Glenn so high, though, is the fact that despite the numerous crimes he commits, he sti

ll somehow manages to remain a seemingly regular member of society. His brain may not be as impressive as his mustache, but Mayor Wild West is a pretty smart dude. Wild West takes all the wackiness of his dearly missed cousin, with the added touch of genuine smarts. He has powers of levitation which he only pulls out when necessary, is able to unlock cages just by asking them nicely, and earns the favor of pretty much everyone around him with his good nature and charm. Wild West is a good man, a

nd doesn’t hesitate to help the city whenever he can. That said, the reason he’s not any higher is that the line between him being smart and just having godlike powers is kind of blurry…but with a mustache like that, we wouldn’t dare to put him any lower. Even if you don’t have brains, you can get by as long as you’ve got money. Enter Carter Pewterschmidt, Lois’s father and the last character in this territory. Carter is a cruel, callous man who uses the resources at his disposal to do two thing

s: make money and keep making money. He’s willing to go as far as hiding the cure to cancer from the world because there’s more money to be made in merely treating it. He’s a quick thinker, too, using his resources to get whatever he wants like a spoiled child. When Peter unionizes Carter’s mistreated immigrant workers, Carter pays him off with an offer to give him American citizenship–which Peter refused until his newfound brethren encouraged him to take the deal. The reason he’s not higher is

the fact that his constant success is only due to his money–and he does have lapses in judgment. Like…come on, man, did you really think telling Tricia Takanawa about your illegal business practices would turn out well? Alright, enough of those average joes–it’s time to move on to the truly Brilliant characters. “Whoa, brains ahoy”--it looks like we’re kicking this tier off with Brian Griffin. As much as it may bug some of you, it’s hard to deny that Brian is a smart guy–even if he is pretentiou

s. Like Quagmire, he’s able to convince women into getting with him… which is probably a lot more difficult given the fact that he’s a dog. I mean, he even dates a blind woman who hates dogs, but eventually has to meet her parents. Brian also frequently offers advice to Peter, showing that he has a decent amount of wisdom to share. He’s changed a lot over the years, but despite being a pretentious jerk in later seasons, Brian still cares about his family and can give them solid advice here and t

here. The reason we ranked him this high is because early-season Brian was always “the voice of reason” for The Griffins. And honestly, that running character was so much better than how he later evolved. And that’s how we’d like to remember him… as opposed to the pretentious author behind Faster Than The Speed of Love. But while he’s not the most common character to talk about, New Brian from the episode “The Man with Two Brians” is well worth a mention. He only appears in this one episode, but

he sure made an impact–when the Griffins adopt him as a new pet, he manages to win everyone’s favor (except for Stewie) pretty quickly. Heck, even the audience likes him initially; he’s just a pleasant guy in general. Which is exactly why he’s so high on our list–it turns out that New Brian’s friendly side was a mere mask–which he does unwittingly reveal to Stewie at the end of the episode, ultimately getting himself killed. It’s likely that New Brian didn’t know Stewie was a literal evil geniu

s, but it was still a severe lapse in judgment–the moment he mentioned Rupert, it was all over. This is almost certainly going to be our most controversial choice, but just outside of the top three is Herbert the Pervert. Wait…really? This guy? The seemingly senile predator? He’s top three intellectually? Well, yes–and he’s NOT senile. Think about it: Herbert is a man who has managed to avoid, like, 99% of suspicion over him being a predator despite it seeming blatantly obvious to us as the audi

ence–and despite him living so near to Joe, a police officer. He’s quick to deduce when something seems like a trap and thinks fast enough to use any opportunity he can to get closer to Chris Griffin, or any minors. The fact that this frail old man is still out as a free member of society is indicative that he’s way, WAY smarter than he seems–and the fact that he seems so harmless is proof that he’s got you right where he wants you. Herbert is TERRIFYING… The Bronze Medal of Genius goes to Joe S

wanson. Not letting his handicap stop him from enforcing justice wherever he can, Joe is a man with skills in many areas. He’s able to track down criminals with ease, and is pretty much always the first one on the scene when things get dangerous. He doesn’t let his emotions get in the way of his decisions, either. Even knowing full well that Bonnie is cheating on him, he stays with her because he knows he’s taken care of…as depressing as that is, such an unmovable view is proof of a level head.

Also–in one of the newest episodes as of writing this script, he manages to send Peter and Lois to a community of old folks planning to harvest their organs. Why he did this is anyone’s guess, but I’m sure we’ll find out–actually no, I’m absolutely not sure of that. But I AM sure that our runner-up of intellect is James Woods. If you don’t have any Reese’s Pieces, you’d best stay away from James Woods. Although he started on friendly terms with Peter, things took a turn for the worse when Lois e

xpressed her disapproval. As a result, James attempted to steal Peter’s identity to take over his life for himself–and he had the smarts to do it all legally. Even when he eventually repented of his evil deeds, he was still careful by inviting the people he wronged to dinner at his mansion anonymously so nobody would fail to show. But all that pales in comparison to the feats of our Gold Medalist of Genius, Stewie Griffin. Who else could it possibly have been? Stewie is a literal infant, and has

made more scientific progress than most of human history combined. He’s invented a time machine and knows all the ins-and-outs of using it, has a vast array of nuclear weaponry that he hides from his parents, is able to use virtual reality to play out what certain events would look like, on one occasion manages to impregnate himself despite being a MALE BABY. Yeah, if I had to remember that episode exists, you do too. He may have some baby like tendencies, but if anyone in Quahog could actually

take over the world, it’s Stewie. Plus, he has a British accent! So you know he’s smart.