Family Guy | Best of Bruce

This trial is called to order. Defense counsel, we'll hear your opening statement. Heyyy everybody, today's the big day! That's all, your honor. Good, good. I'm looking for a guy to come entertain the kids at my son's birthday. Oh sure, I can do that. You do children's parties? Oh yeah, I can do like handstands and somersaults. Maybe I can make pretend like the children are little bugs in my web? Oh, nobody had any of the coffee. Only a couple of Oreos gone. I'm gonna take the rest home to the c

ats. Hey, hey, everybody, I'd like you to meet my parents, Phil and Candy Straight. Peter Griffin, my arms were torn off at a concert. So, heh, these two lovebirds are gonna tie the knot? Yes, a heterosexual marriage, just like you always wanted! By the way, I just want to remind everybody to put their email address on the list in the back there, so we can send you our quarterly newsletter. It's chock-full of goings-on around the school. It's got a word jumble - a little hint, all the answers

have to do with something here at the school. Sorry y'all, that's the first time I ever throwed anything. Hey, how y'all ghosts doing? Y'all got a little friend of ours named Stewart up there. We was just wondering if you could send him back. Uh-uh? Well, yes, but I... Well I don't see how that's anybody's business but my own. Well how about you and my father go and hang out at the gun range some afternoon and you can spend the whole day just agreeing with each other. Okay, for starters, wh

y don't you just lay back and relax, loosen up them trousers. Now feel the air between them toes, feel the gentle wind blowing the hair on them legs. Breezing up on through the rest of your body. Through your private areas. Through your anus. Now, let's go back in your mind to your childhood, to some of your deepest memories. Maybe some that aren't so happy. Y'know the anus has the second highest density of nerve endings in the body. You remembering anything? Like maybe being the best at jump ro

pe but not being allowed to win the ribbon just 'cause you was a boy? Or being told everything you made in pottery class was inappropriate? I definitely need a breath freshener. Ooh, but that's gon' give me eleven items. That's fine. No, no, no, rules is rules. Let's see what I'm gon' put back. Okay, I need the Reynolds Wrap and the bathroom tissue. I could do without the Triscuits, but they sure are good! 7UP's the whole reason I came down here in the first place. You know what? I'm not going

to need the V8, 'cause I can just get some tomato juice at the mini-mart down the street. It's a little more expensive, but that's okay, I like to help out a small business. I hope it's okay if I pay you in pennies. Will I ever see my baby brother again? Only if he can find his way into the light, Chris. For some people, it's easier than others. Some people just get lost on the way to the light. They're walking along, they stop and say, "Ooh, is that a new restaurant? That place must've just o

pened up, 'cause I remember there was another place there a few weeks ago. I went in there once and there was a guy with a harelip eating soup, and I was like, "eww!" It wasn't the restaurant's fault, I know, but I still never went back there. I mean, I guess there's only, like, a 1 in 50 chance of me getting the same spoon that he had, but I still don't like them odds." What's your name? Tobi, with an I. With an accent over the I, and a little line over the O so you know it's a long vowel sou

nd and not a short one. And sometimes I like to dot the I with a little smiley face or a heart or something, something to brighten the reader's day. I asked you what your name was! Honey, you keep that up, it's whatever you want it to be. People with mustaches look out for each other. Hey. Oh, heyyy! Hey. Hey, Jeffrey, Peter Griffin has a mustache. No way! Way! Oh! I know! We's all gathered here to join this couple in holy matrimony. Yet another wedding I'm on this side of... Jeffrey! We's just

waiting for his mama to die. Welcome to our meeting here at the school. We got lots of exciting topics here tonight. We gon' have a puppet show, we gon' have some jazz! No, I'm just kidding, we have some business to take care of though. I'm sorry I pulled y'all's legs. I'm just a little excited because I met somebody today! Someone in the book store! Someone who likes the same kind of literature as I do! Ohhh, and the adventure begins again! Oh look, they're handing out cookies up there! Ste

wie, wait, don't... Hey there, eat up y'all. Yous is good churchgoing folk, y'all deserve a little treat. Give me that! Well aren't you an enthusiastic wafer-muncher?! What is that, punch? Ohh, don't y'all drink that, you's gon' get sick! Yep. Okay, why don't you just get yourself settled up on the table, I'll give you a minute. Uhh, what am I supposed... You ready in there? Yeah. Oh, haha, you put some fake poo on the floor. Oh no! Okay, here's the rules. No hitting below the belt, no rabbit p

unches, no name calling, no making trouble for unconventional couples who wanna adopt babies, 'cause you know what, they ain't getting the good babies anyways. Okay, have a fun fight! Ding ding. Boy, it sure is great to have you back in town, Frank. Yeah, but this place is dead. I don't know, that one guy seemed to like it. I like everything. Including ginger ale! Psst, that's my way of ordering a ginger ale. Alright, we's all done here. Hey, what the hell?! What do you think, mister TV-ruiner?!

You shaved a giant penis into the back of my head! That's right. And it's all scarred and misshapen! I was in a boating accident! There he is! Took you long enough! Just what we need! Hey, guys, I'm coming in! Ohh! Oh God, oh boy, I am not gonna hear the end of this. You jackass! Now, you've done it! Idiot! I know I don't fit here but I'm just gon' settle right in.