Family Guy presents 'Seth & Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show'

[Applause] live from the jerry o'connell stamos theater in hollywood family guy presents seth and alex's almost live comedy show featuring walter murphy and his orchestra ladies and gentlemen alex borstein and seth mcfarland [Applause] [Music] but where are those good old-fashioned values [Music] he's [Music] [Music] thank you thank you no thank you thank you uh good evening ladies and gentlemen i'm seth macfarland i'm alex borstein and we want to welcome you to our almost live comedy show you k

now we have so much fun doing family guy every week we thought let's find a way to bring that you know kind of wacky cartoon musical comedy vibe to a live setting so here we are we have some songs we have some sketches lots of other fun stuff planned and we have here live in the studio walter murphy and his orchestra walter wrote the family guy theme much of the music for the series and this is the band you hear every week on the show now they play everything from the splashy show tunes to those

little tiny play ons that you see every time you see the griffin's house and now let's hear one of those it's good use of 40 musicians right okay you know let's have some family time okay here's one you guys you can have sex with one celebrity who's it gonna be oh wow lois who's it gonna be oh danny games he's dead what oh my god when like earlier this year oh jeremiah israel so does that change your answer no okay you know what then lance burton because he could pull quarters out of me that i

didn't know were there what about you peter um brigitte nielsen hell from rocky iv you know the the blonde kind of butch-looking blonde with the short hair although you know i can never tell what her relationship with ivan drago was supposed to be in that movie you know i mean was she his girlfriend or his agent or him that's a terrible choice pick someone current um all right kate blanchett what why because i'm told she's quite beautiful by who uh the press and women and gay guys so everyone ex

cept straight men uh yes plus i want children who can't go in the sun ooh kate blanchette vavavoom what about you brian mayam bialik really why because i know that she would never hurt me i know that she would never leave wait was she punky brewster no she was blossom oh no oh is that what's gonna happen to hannah montana no she's gonna be beautiful always okay buddy um well i would pick um mrs humphries who mrs humphries she checks us in at daycare that's not a celebrity everybody at daycare kn

ows who she is and she smells like applesauce and chalk and a little bit of whiskey and that suits me just fine how about you meg um c threepio what what yeah he seems like he'd be really smart and kind of gentle gentle meg you sleep with him he'd cut you open like a tin can well maybe that's what i like you guys don't know me so we all go pleasure ourselves in separate rooms and come back in ten sounds good to me hey what about chris oh he already finished about 16 times today you know uh with

all this off-color stuff that we're doing all these self-pleasuring jokes and whatnot um it's good to inject a certain amount of heart into this type of show especially with this fabulous orchestra so if i may i'd like to do a song from my favorite movie [Music] hey [Music] i'm sorry i'm sorry can we just stop one second i'm so sorry um i thought i thought we discussed this in in rehearsal that we weren't going to do this song we weren't going to do this what's the problem well you know my being

jewish and and my family history if you read your history books i mean you know the austrian people were were not very kind to my people during world war ii and we said we weren't going to do this nah it's a good song small and white [Music] you look happy to meet no you know what i'm sorry i'm really sorry i'm just you know what i'm not gonna not say anything everyone talks about how the jews never did anything and they didn't fight back well i'm gonna do it right now i'm fighting back tonight

this is not okay look look this i i don't mean to be a jerky but we're doing a tv show this is not the place to bring out your hebrew baggage all right this is going to just get through this [Music] no you know what i know oh my god i'm really sorry but i'm not gonna just my mother who's here tonight and my grandmother they barely escaped the nazis during world war two and i will be damned if i'm gonna stand here with a smile on my face because you're seth macfarlane no one should mess with i'm

sorry look look let me let me just ask you this had none of that ever happened how many female jewish comedians would you be competing with in hollywood right right now it's just you and sarah silverman [Music] bless my homeland foreign [Music] we have a little treat for you here now working in hollywood you sometimes run across forgotten little treasures that somehow got swept under the rug well we have gotten our hands on some discarded screen tests for some major hollywood pictures that's ri

ght uh these are very cool uh they're actors that we all know and love who actually tested for some surprising films and had they been cast it would have been a terrible mistake so just have a look okay b arthur showgirls okay whenever you're ready all right i i just i have a couple of questions um first of all there's a line in here where he says it must be weird not having anyone on you now do i think that's weird is that that is weird i would think yes you think it's weird okay and then also

there's a scene here where we're making love in the swimming pool and i'm writhing around in ecstasy in the water now do you want me to climax while he's shoving me underwater or do you want to when i come up gasping for it you know just go ahead and do what feels right but we we did want to have you in your swimsuit for this this is my swimsuit okay next gregory peck transformers okay go ahead i'm a robot that turns into a truck look yeah you don't have to make the noise i've been practicing th

e noise in the shower kathy griffin and the piano whenever you're ready oh god i don't i love piano so i would totally love to play the piano because i used to take lessons when i was little when i was a little kid my mom got me the lessons i was like i'm not playing piano only the dorks play piano oh my god i was more interested in me with the guys and the guys were like a loser and i was like i'll sleep with you if you think i'm a loser i don't care you know they said when you took the whole h

ockey team i'm like i'll do anything for attention your character does not talk in the movie the piano she's a mute i can do that [Music] [Laughter] [Music] [Music] the cowardly lion united 93 okay go ahead okay fellas let's roll we'll charge the cockpit bust open a door and take down the hijackers there's just one thing i want you to do what's that talk me out of it i do believe in allah i do believe in allah renee zellweger independence day okay in this scene you see this spaceship for the fir

st time okay and you can't take your eyes off it like this but bigger bigger oh [Music] oh my god i'm so surprised [Music] kermit the frog philadelphia okay scene 14. it is the decision of this law firm that you be terminated immediately you're you're firing me i'm sorry it's because i have aids isn't it you're firing me because i'm a homosexual man with aids it's more complicated than that screw you this is discrimination pure and simple and you know i'd be a lot more upset about it if we didn'

t have john denver here tonight ladies and gentlemen wow i think he might be perfect for this role really yeah that was the gayest thing i've ever seen [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you know uh we do a lot of celebrity gags on family guy we make fun a lot of celebrities and uh our one of our favorites though was a gag in which uh marley matlin calls movie phone and it went something like this welcome to movie phone please say the name of the movie you would like to see now bob hunter dan

ger i did not understand your selection please say the name of the movie you would like to see now 500 ain't i'm dumber you have selected fame [Music] just keeps getting funnier we're going to burn in hell aren't you no i know i'm already feeling the heat now we we uh seriously if the christians are right and i'm wrong i am going to seriously burn in hell you are it's going to be really bad it's gonna be really bad but even if they're wrong let's just say yeah i have a feeling that at some point

here on earth someone's gonna set you on fire just saying yeah [Applause] i have a feeling you're you're probably right i've already made out my will we kid marley matlin but uh she really is an amazing woman she was on dancing with the stars recently but what you may not know is that she also has an album coming out next year that features pop song covers including this little gem [Music] don't wonder [Music] um [Music] everybody [Applause] [Music] are you still playing is [Applause] [Music] i

just no no i just want to say i'm a really really big fan of yours i children of a lesser god was amazing you won an award and your book was so candid and so courageous and your work on the west wing is incredible you're fair to you yourself it feels could be means funner how about i don't need a person with you okay let me do it i'm alex i'm an uh good little [ __ ] all i do is not exercise eat oils complain that i'm not in more movies here's me walking down the street [Applause] does that fee

l good no huh no it doesn't miss matlin you know made fun of me more than twice twice a family guy did do every six months of calling me and asking me to read my own voice no i swear miss matlin we did we called but but the phone just rang and rang [Laughter] you want to learn some savvy code yeah yeah you know before we get too far into this um i gotta say it's very nice to see you behind the microphone again well thank you very much alex actually may not know this alex used to do stand-up well

we're like storytelling and you used to do he used to do this bit which i would love for you to do right now you know what i'm talking about i don't know i think where you tell a joke that only a rapist can hear okay all right here we go it goes like this you know when family guy returned from cancellation many moons ago we began the season with peter griffin reciting a list of all the fox shows that had been canceled since we were if you remember that and there were there were quite a lot of t

hem yes no one succeeds at failure better than fox so here are some clips from a few pilots that actually never even made it to the air let's take a look i'm not going in there well i'm not either but there's a drug dealer in there i know but what if he's got a cat oh god i'm gonna be all sniffles while i'm shooting cause you know it's not the fur it's the dandy we're in the wrong profession on the way back let's not go the way with the toe here's the main title sequence from a failed fox wester

n pilot and uh i think part of the problem might be the theme song itself take a look at this these lyrics don't seem to make a lot of sense [Music] there was a man who shot the man who was the man who shot the man al johnson johnson he wore a hat his favorite hat he loved that hat he hated hats cal johnson johnson he was a dad to zero kids and yet he fathered five he got shot dead a year ago and yet he's still alive he's rich beyond his wildest dreams yet never had a dime a law man to the very

end he led a life of crime in all his years of life on earth he never fired a gun yet when it came to chinese men he shot down everyone he had a horse named bandit and the horse's name was clyde cal johnson was born the day he died yeah patrick warburton has cal johnson we uh yeah so here's the deal we have a slight problem uh our time's almost up and we kind of promised the network that in exchange for getting to do this little show and play that we would really promote the heck out of the clev

eland show but we haven't done it all we've done is sing songs and cuss a lot yeah so how about this as long as we're swearing so much um let's play a little game that might help promote the show every time we curse or use a bad word instead of a bleep you'll hear this cleveland interesting so so like if i want to refer to my genitalia instead i'd say cleveland right well instead of saying uh erotic gratification or something like that i'd say last night i watched law and order svu until like cl

eveland so i can say hey seth you've got a really small cleveland or i could say gosh alex last night you gave me a really low energy cleveland i think i understand let me see so so i could say hey i just spent all day at yoga and my cleveland smells like a moroccan village you you could definitely say that doesn't bother me i take care of myself i do yoga and if that's a byproduct so be it okay wait so i could say also like if you were a south african hermaphrodite runner you very well could ha

ve a cleveland and cleveland oh exotic and if you were flexible you could curl your clay plant around your cleveland wash it off and then start in on your cleveland you cleveland get your two hands free to just crackling to cleveland until the cleveland and your cleveland okay we done because i am about to cleveland my cleveland you can do that yeah if i'm sitting on a hard bench or something all right well folks we hope you enjoyed our show we really do we want to thank our fans both here in th

e audience and at home we know that without you we would not have any of this ladies and gentlemen my beautiful tv wife alex borstein and now we'll say good night to you with a few of your favorite family guy tunes walter now a woman who kiss on a very first date is usually a hussy and a woman who kiss on a second timeout is anything but fussy but a woman who'll wait till the third time around head in the clouds feet on the ground she's the girl he's glad he's found she's here [ __ ] boopy [ __ 

] boopy boopy [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] zero hour 9 a.m [Music] and i'm gonna be high [Music] as a kite by then all right walter take this and jam it right down my trousers my friend and i think it's gonna be a long long time till touchdown brings me round again to fight i'm not the man they think i am at home oh no no no i'm a rocket man [Music] rocket man burn an office fuse out here alone [Music] ooh yes i'm musically stimulated in a way that you can't put on tv oh my god this is

surfing bird by the craftsman this is my favorite song of all time i want a bird bird fight while a bird is a word a well a bird bird bird a bird bird what a bird is a word a wall a bird bird bird while a bird is a word a wall a bird [Music] [Applause] [Music] is [Music]