Food Theory: Goldfish Crackers Lore Exists... and It’s HORRIFYING!

When it comes to food mascots, we all know  Ronald McDonald and the Kool-Aid man. But did you know that this guy on the front of  every bag of goldfish crackers has himself a name? It's Finn. Yeah, he's that super cool guy  with the sunglasses, but he doesn't even wear them. They just sit on top of his head because  he's so cool. But not only is he super cool, he's also super evil. You heard me. Finn here  is part of a dark conspiracy where he sells off his friends so he can get rich. They're th

e  snack that smiles back, all while engaging in illegal goldfish trafficking. Never before  has such a bland mascot had such a spicy lore. As for me, I love fishes because they're  so suspicious. Gotta go fishin’ - FOR LORE! Hello Internet! Welcome to Food Theory, the  channel that puts the crack into cracker. Believe it or not, but Pepperidge Farm's iconic  Goldfish crackers are not only the second highest selling cracker in the U.S., they're also the  cheese cracker with the highest demand in

the entire world. These things are so popular that  they earn themselves up to a billion dollars in annual revenue, nearly half of Pepperidge  Farm's entire yearly sales, with over 142 billion of these bite sized fish produced every  year. When you're talking stats like that, it is no wonder that they have themselves that iconic  smile. Ironic, considering they didn't actually start smiling until 1997. And like all the best  brands to try to appeal to the youngs, they have themselves a hip, you

ng, hashtag relatable mascot  in the form of Finn, the giant floating goldfish. Let’s be honest, what's not to love  about this guy? He's got sunglasses and, um…. and, um… and, well, he's got sunglasses. And  that makes him the adequate amount of fun loving and rule breaking for all your kids. But I tell  you, for as much as he appears a mere goldfish, in reality, this cracker is a shark. After looking  across the entirety of the Goldfish canon. Yeah, that is a real thing, the Goldfish canon. I 

can assure you that this… fish… cracker thing is a fish who's seen some things, who knows too  much. Finn is cutthroat, he's self-interested, and he's in it for the big cheddar. Not like  actual cheese. He's already flavor blasted to the Xtreme. No, he's in it for the green cheddar;  the cold, hard cash. Oh sure, in commercials Finn and his friends might be having fun on their  whimsical adventures, but there is definitely something fishy afoot. Pun certainly intended.  Originally invented in 1

958 by Oscar J. Kambl at his family's biscuit factory in Switzerland.  The fish were meant to be a birthday gift to his wife, who was born in the month of March. So he aptly shaped the crackers after the fish for her astrological sign, Pisces. It would take  a full four years before Goldfish would make their way to the U.S. and then it would be an additional  four for them to finally get that iconic cheddar cheese flavor. But once that happened, the rest  is history. They became a staple of pant

ries everywhere, even becoming a Thanksgiving mainstay  for the famous American chef, Julia Child. One thing that absolutely contributed to that  success: commercials. And you know what that means? Lore. Pepperidge Farm first started airing  commercials for Goldfish back in 1977. And let me just say that some of the choices they've  made along the way have had some disturbing consequences, consequences that'll finally come  to fruition today. Finn, your days of carelessly flying over generic hou

sehold sets are over. You're about to be canceled. I'd encourage you to break out your ukulele, but you know, you don't  have hands… or arms or really any limbs with which to play it. So you just put that one aside.  First things first. One thing we've gotta get out of the way early here is that in the Goldfish  Commercial Universe or GCU, it's established that the Goldfish themselves are alive. In the early  days they were simpler and mostly didn't talk. Then there was the era in the late  nine

ties where the commercials didn't really feature any fish but  instead focused on the bad jingles. The ones that were mostly focused on today, those  started airing back in 2001, when the fish started to come to life within the real world, eventually  leading to the introduction of Finn in the main speaking role. This is where we can see that the  fish have the ability to communicate. That said, they're not the fastest guppies in the fish bowl. Despite Finn warning the group not to plow forward

in danger, all the rest of the giggling idiots  just rush into danger wanting to get snacked on. Over time, the supporting cast would also  get fleshed out, showing us that they each had a unique personality, even going so  far as to form communities and cultures. So with all that context out of the way, let's  start shifting over to the mastermind behind it all: Finn and his team. There's Brooke, the  Parmesan goldfish and his presumed love interest. Gilbert, the hapless but endearing pretzel 

goldfish and Xtreme, formerly known as Fumbleton von Stuffington. No, that is actually not a joke.  Fumbleton is part of the flavor blasted line. Their adventures began back in 2006. Finn leaves  his bags sitting on a young boy's nightstand, only to go explore the unknown lands below  the bed. There he finds himself an entire society of these fish that go about  their day playing games and setting up talent shows. We also see forgotten  Goldfish from other lands too. And by other lands I mean ot

her rooms in the  house with their own distinct cultures. The Goldfish in the pantry are a very  regulated society with no fun permitted. The Goldfish in the sibling’s room  have themselves a charming Southern drawl and their own boogeyman  in the form of a pet hamster. If there's anything else that I learned  from these commercials, it's that the family that lives in this house is absolutely  disgusting, literally leaving food everywhere, all across the floor. Then again, I'm the guy  who cooke

d my steak in a dryer. Who am I to judge? From there, they all go on a series of  adventures, including a multi-episode story arc where they rescue Gilbert the pretzel from an  evil vacuum cleaner. The whole series spanned, get this, over 40 episodes. Even going so far as  to have multiple choose your own adventure style videos where the fans can go to the website and  explore different paths for all the characters. It is incredible the length that some of  these marketing teams go to. And hones

tly, it was really fun, really cute.  At least it was until I saw this: A commercial that shows that this whole story  is being filmed by real life people and that Finn and his gang are just the talent, the stars.  Toy Story this is not my friends. Here the humans and the fish are working together and it quickly  becomes apparent as he swims through the bowls of different Goldfish crackers that he's well aware  of what purpose his fellow Goldfish are serving. Notice that when Finn talks, he neve

r uses the  word “we”. like, “We're always baked with good, wholesome stuff”. Instead, he's  always using the word “they”. “They are always baked with good, wholesome  stuff”. He's talking about the Goldfish that he's offering up to the humans of this world.  He even addresses one of the bowls before he's conveniently whisked away by a production  assistant to take him to his next shot. Finn then goes on his way to shoot  and gives us this little factoid. Excuse me? “They keep me working”? That

right  there is an outright admission that he's selling his friends down the river for money. The  lunatic dove headfirst into a bowl of the carcasses of his own people like a twisted Scrooge  McDuck, and laughed all his way to the bank. Now, obviously, I could just be overthinking all  this. It’s just one commercial, after all, right? It's not like it's some sort of established  pattern of behavior. So I had to go as far back as I could to see if I could find other  examples of Finn's dastardly

scheme. And as luck would have it, I found some of his earliest  appearances, all made before the Finn and Friends ever aired. Looks like Finn's been doing this  racket for a while, sacrificing billions to, as he says, keep himself working. In this  commercial Finn tells the Goldfish about the flavor blaster that'll make them super cheesy and  irresistible. He shouts at them while telling them everything that'll happen if they step into the  machine. And then at the end of it, he says this: Did

you notice how his voice just  audibly dropped? Here it is again. He whispers the part that'll keep them out of the  flavor blaster. He whispers the part that'll keep them alive. That right there, that's the smoking  gun. But one thing that's easy to overlook here is that Finn's the one showing them this machine.  He's the one who brought him here. He's the one with all the knowledge. He's the one leading them  to the tool of their own demise and then covering up how they can avoid it. And then

as soon as  they come out, they go straight into the bowl. And so what does Finn do? Warn them to get out  of there because they're about to be eaten? No, he smiles before gleefully swimming away, hidden  behind the bags that are now full of his friends. I suspect that he knew that that was going to be  the result. I mean, Goldfish have themselves the memories of.. well, goldfish, so Finn is just  putting them in front of a super cool looking machine, knowing that they're going to forget  anyth

ing he tells them. And they just dive right in. And I know, I know, for all you ichthyologists  out there slamming on your keyboard saying “MatPat, Goldfish are actually shown to have  a pretty good memory and can even be trained.” Yeah, I know. Which is exactly what we see Finn do  in the follow up commercial. Here, Finn once again knowingly leads his crew of innocent Goldfish  to a conveniently opened jar of peanut butter, where he tells them to use the buddy system to  stay safe. So what do a

ll the goldfish do? They dive in and then clump up into delicious pairs. But notice this. The jar has already got streaks in it. This isn't the first batch to have been  led here. Finn has been here before. And who's the only fish that doesn't mindlessly slather himself  in peanut butter and pair up with another? Why, of course, it's our good old friend Finn.  It's O-Fish-al my friends, he's a maniac, and he's been preying on the Goldfish’s instincts  to keep a steady supply of victims to sell t

o his human overlords. Oh, but it gets worse. See, all  we remember about these commercials is the one line from the jingle: “It’s the snack that smiles  back, Goldfish.” But let me tell you, there is so much else in this thing. It is not all happy tunes  in the land of fish crackers. Listen to this: Hold on. I'm sorry. What? “Goldfish smile  because they don't have a clue they'll be eaten”? How messed up is that? That one line  right there shows 100% that in this world, Goldfish do not actively

want to get eaten.  And yet they're just diving headfirst into a snack bowl. Why? Well, it just confirms our  suspicion that the Goldfish are being tricked. And if you thought that that was  the end of it, it gets even worse. I mean, come on! Look at that sadistic  monster just chomping down on those poor souls, immediately followed by more  sentient Goldfish just swimming around, being led by… Hold on. Is that the  pretzel Goldfish? You mean Gilbert? Who just so happens to be part of the  crew

alongside Finn, training the other fish to follow him blindly to their death?  Really does bring new meaning to this line: Finn's entourage is learning from  him, training under him. The other Goldfish are clearly being tricked by  the elite one percenters in their world, led to dangerous devices that make them  delicious and then poorly warned away from their impending threat. And the evil cherry on  top of this dark theme song is Finn taunting a bowl of his helpless brethren, waiting  on the

catering cart just to be devoured. Billions of small fish crackers doomed to smirk  for all eternity, until a hangry eight year old scarfs down an entire bag and ruins their  appetite for dinner. Think about that the next time you see those smiling fish, you're  silencing hundreds of little voices led there by a sunglasses wearing cracker. Lambs  for the slaughter, all for his profits. But hey, that's just a theory.  A FOOD THEORY! Bon appetit. And hey, if you're in the mood for more snack  food

, check out how Cheetos started as a food that was rejected for cow consumption. And so  instead they started feeding it to us humans. That video is on screen right now, so make  sure you take a big ol 'bite out of it with your mouth or your finger or, you know, wherever  you're watching from. Make sure you subscribe for more wacky food videos like this one. And as  always, my friends, I'll see you next week.