With his mental health at an all time low, a veteran Free Solo’s for what may be the last time.
In years following the Oscar winning film, Free Solo, the act of soloing may have grown to become a glamorized endeavor. This film explores a man's controversial motivations behind free soloing.
In today's climate, the amount of service members challenged with suicidal thoughts are at an all-time high. HURT is an 12min fictional short following a veteran who free solo’s recklessly as an escape when PTSD and heartbreak thrusts his mental health into decline.
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𝐀 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐨𝐫:
As a Squamish climber and helicopter rescue swimmer veteran struggling with PTSD, and having known multiple climbers who've died soloing in my community, I drew on my past to bring this vision to light in the hopes of preventing more deaths like those we've lost.
I created this film following military traumas combined with a hard separation which created what I can only describe as cerebral warfare. This evolved into a cycle of self-hatred where I didn't want to commit suicide, but I also didn't want to be here anymore. I didn't want to deal with the pain; a pain which seemed to go away when the stakes got higher soloing; when in actuality the stakes should never feel raised soloing.
Pushing my limits eventually led to being stuck 5 pitches up a climb in a position where I didn't want to down-climb nor did I feel comfortable doing the next move up. If anyone was around, I would have begged for help. I felt the pump building; frozen on the crimps I was desperately gripping. I recall looking down and imagining, as though reality, my body bouncing down the cliff into the talus field below. For the first time I thought "wow, this is not worth it". Though I managed to walk away from that situation, I felt like I'd entered an alternate reality where I'd somehow survived. In truth, a part of me felt like I'd actually fallen that day.
Following this incident, I started noticing how prevalent soloing was in Squamish. So I started talking with members of the climbing community about the motivations behind certain peoples' choice to free solo and occasionally, their less talked about/less glamourous motivations. I learned that it wasn't uncommon for individuals in pain to look to this outlet to separate themselves from whatever traumas they were dealing with (breakups, loss of a significant others, anxiety, depression, etc). Even soloing legends like Dean Potter and Alex Honnold had reportedly pushed their soloing limits following heartache.
So, we decided to make a film, originally with the fairly humorous working title of "SADLO" (soloing sad), to highlight a yet to be shared perspective on free soloing.
NOTE: Some scenes are better understood with headphones and subtitles on.
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𝐒𝐏𝐎𝐍𝐒𝐎𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐁𝐘: https://vpo.ca/stores/Squamish
𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐓𝐒:
Written & Directed by: 𝘝𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘓𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦
Produced by: 𝘝𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘓𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦 & 𝘈𝘭𝘦𝘹𝘢 𝘐𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘬𝘢𝘸𝘢
Executive Producers: 𝘝𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘓𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦 & 𝘡𝘢𝘤𝘩 𝘏𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘯
𝐂𝐀𝐒𝐓:
John: 𝘞𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘔𝘢𝘵𝘻𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥
Sarah: 𝘏𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘢𝘩 𝘋𝘰𝘣𝘪𝘦
Therapist & Podcaster: 𝘈𝘭𝘦𝘹𝘢 𝘐𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘬𝘢𝘸𝘢
Therapist (Voice): 𝘋𝘳. 𝘊𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘛𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘺
John’s Mother: 𝘊𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘦 𝘏𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳
𝐂𝐑𝐄𝐖:
1st AD: 𝘈𝘭𝘦𝘹𝘢 𝘐𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘬𝘢𝘸𝘢
Stunts: 𝘋𝘢𝘷𝘦 “𝘊𝘩𝘦𝘦𝘤𝘩” 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘯 | 𝘝𝘪𝘯𝘯𝘺 2 𝘊𝘳𝘰𝘤𝘴
1st Camera Unit: 𝘝𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘓𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦 | 𝘑𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘦 𝘏𝘦𝘯𝘳𝘺 | 𝘈𝘭𝘦𝘹𝘢 𝘍𝘢𝘺 | 𝘍𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘺 𝘎𝘰𝘥𝘨𝘰
Edited by: 𝘝𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘓𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘦 | 𝘈𝘯𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘯𝘺 𝘗𝘰𝘰𝘯 | 𝘑𝘢𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘎𝘳𝘢𝘶
Sound Designer: 𝘊𝘩𝘳𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘊𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘰𝘳
Composers: 𝘑𝘦𝘴𝘶𝘴 𝘊𝘢𝘣𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘦𝘳𝘰 | 𝘐𝘢𝘯 𝘚𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘴
Colorist: 𝘋𝘮𝘪𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘒𝘶𝘻𝘯𝘦𝘵𝘴𝘰𝘷
Foley: 𝘘𝘶𝘦𝘵𝘻𝘢𝘭 𝘚𝘰𝘯𝘪𝘥𝘰
𝐀𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐒 & 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒:
Award Winner: 𝘗𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘴 𝘔𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘦 𝘍𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘢𝘭
Semi-Finalist: 𝘚𝘦𝘳𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘐𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘍𝘪𝘭𝘮 𝘍𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘢𝘭 (𝘚𝘐𝘍𝘍)
Nominee: 𝘊𝘩𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘨𝘰 𝘐𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘦 𝘍𝘪𝘭𝘮 𝘈𝘸𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘴
Nominee: 𝘔𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭 𝘐𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘱𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘍𝘪𝘭𝘮 𝘍𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘢𝘭
𝐈𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐦: https://www.instagram.com/wildertainment/?hl=en
𝐓𝐢𝐤𝐭𝐨𝐤: https://www.tiktok.com/@wildertainment
𝐏𝐨𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐭: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/wildertainment/id1539114718
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[Music] thank you thank you John please explain to me what free soloing is your friends say you've always been afraid of heights yet they also share this post with me from local climbers reporting a man running up Cliff faces around town have you ever tried to hurt yourself please John if you can I'd like an answer now have you ever contemplated suicide [Music] John you're in mandated therapy what happened [Music] do you want to die [Music] I mean you're up hundreds of feet on a rock face no rop
es no safety don't you ever Pat it it's a fair question honestly no that's kind of the opposite of how you should behave when you're free so on you should be calm it's almost meditative you should be thinking about nothing but the rock climb and if you're not then you probably shouldn't be for yourself so do people of our free solo for the wrong reasons yeah that has happened honestly that's when things get pretty horrific people in the wrong mindset and historically a lot of climbers have sold
out of sadness I mean how even Alex Hawkins and I need to know you're okay just let me know you're okay these photos are everywhere John this is what they sent me [Music] why so you can call me back in an hour cry for me to come back because you love me oh I never loved you fine but I need you to respect respect you never had respect for me or my things or this home the solution isn't it what house we buy what city you move to for the thousandth time the problems from within Sarah you're singing
you know what I was going through I needed you and you just left I left because you were acting psychotic I waited months Sarah but nothing changed what you needed was professional help no what I needed was a man not a pathetic child that doesn't care about anything or anybody but himself foreign [Music] [Music] call Sarah told me what happened I know you're hurting we don't have to talk just let me know you're okay careful [Music] I think I wanted to go over there I loved you no you never love
d me you loved a war that was thousands of miles away from me every time there he is I wish you died instead of him I met you it's been 30 minutes John I'm going to need an answer now [Music] push whatever limits I have to make them go away do you know how much it hurts to have the person you love most say you frankly makes me hate myself too are you aware the immediate thought every single surviving jumper of the Golden Gate Bridge reports a Feeling does her feet leave the ledge regret I regret
they'd ever jumped so no I'm not trying to commit suicide it's a quitters game yes I'm in pain the method in which I choose to cope with that pain is my business not yours not my families and all my employers but mine so write whatever the hell you want in your pretty little Manila employee report and leave me [ __ ] alone John do you want to die [Music] [Music] thank you [Music] [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] why are we doing this each other you sure we need to do this foreign [Music] [Music]
[Music] [Music] thank you [Music] [Music] John hey Mom oh you okay no I need help [Music] [Music]
Comments
Reading the description may help understand the inspirations behind this film. NOTE: Some scenes are better understood with subtitles on. Regarding Alex Honnold's film "The Hurt", our film was complete in Fall 2022 and premiered, at Valhalla Pure Outfitters in Squamish, January 2023 before we were aware of the upcoming Reel Rock film "The Hurt". At first we thought: "well, shucks", but then we realized "this could be a blessing in disguise". 😅 P.S. Don't miss the BLOOPERS: https://youtu.be/-4IBGN8Iw5g
I've been free-soloing quite a lot over the past years, but this summer I almost died. I was 150 feet up when a hold broke. It was like the descriptions writes, I saw myself falling. It felt impossible that my hand had stayed on the hold that didn't break, and I felt saved by a guardian angel. My body couldn't stop shaking, but I managed to down climb. Then I just sat there and re-thought some of my life. My motivations for free-soloing. Who was I trying to prove myself to?
I can relate big time! I could never get over my dads tragic death when I was 20, and I suffered extreme domestic abuse at the hands of family of friends because nobody could understand the pain I was suffering and they punished me out of their ignorance. And it plunged me deeper and deeper into depression and people treated me worse and worse because It made me dysfunctional etc.f*&#King brutal cycle. Then I turned 37 and I officially wanted to die I started planning my own death. But instead I started solo mountain climbing hoping a grizzly or big foot would eat me. Climbing mountains was the hardest thing I ever did but the experience radically changed my life and identity and here I am alive today! still hiking mountains and beginning to recover from a life of suffering.
I wanted to die. Bought a sportbike pushed and pushed it to it's limits. The closer I was to dying the more alive I felt. I now have control over my depression and I love life now. Going to Everest in a year. Just base camp but I want to see the Himalayas.
Holy shit what did I just see.... Bravo, congratulations and thanks. Wonderful. The director's comment "I didn't want to commit suicide, but I also didn't want to be here anymore." really struck me, having been there before. Thankfully not any more.
Thank you, the timing of this coming up in my feed could not have been better. Grateful for your beautiful work
Brother what a truly beautiful project to make. I hope it helped u realise some things about yourself and that you continue to grow from your experiences. ❤
never have i cried and felt so many different emotions from one short film! what a masterpiece!
Honestly, though he doesn't know it yet, he's about to have his best season yet. Nothing like those break-up rage sessions
From one Canadian filmmaker to another, really impressive shots! Well done!! How’d you capture those falling shots? They looked so damn realistic.
Don’t listen to the haters in the comments who have no idea about what it takes to make a good film, how to free solo climb, or how to give thoughtful feedback. I really appreciate this movie. Thank you for making it.
I watched the first minute. I’m saving this so I can sit down and give this my full attention. So far I can tell this is building up to a great short film
Brilliant, poignant, breathtaking. Thank you...
im happy someone else appreciates running barefooted in the forest :)
relatable. even the writers personal story about not wanting to be here but not wanting to commit suicide. I always wondered if freesolo climbers were escaping, suicidal or just pure awesome humans who don't fear death. Super well done on the fall. Looked pretty real as heck. Even the scenarios in which it happens; and the gravity effect. Crazy shit and I dig it.
Read the description. Mental voices, games, horrors and whatever else can be incorrectly portrayed is done beautifully in the movie. As a PTSD combat veteran myself-like climbing-the beta or style is subjective and no one knows or understands your own struggles. My father had the same issues as a Vietnam Veteran and he only opened up when he knew I was in pain, too. Free soloing is a different mindset and doesn’t surprise me of climbers/people in pain/hurt that pushes them to the brink. Glad that seeking help was the true end game. Thank you. Truly beautiful.
I don't think I've ever seen a film (well, non-political) with such polar opposite comments. It's like a 50/50 split between omg and wtf. Very interesting.
So cringe, do melodramic, so emotionelly manipulating - I loved it!
Pain is the necessary component to feel the life that is running through our veins. Once we are able to go through our pains whether it is physical or mental we come to place where life begins to appear beautiful on every step of the way.
How on earth is this guy soloing Calculus Crack without other climbers in the shot? St. Vitus' Dance felt like the most popular route in Squamish while I was there, lol