Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A FULL SHOW of one-liners live @HotWaterComedyClubLiverpool

ladies and gentlemen please welcome to this phase the wonderful gary delaney [Applause] you know you know when you're a kid and you go to the dentist and if you don't cry they give you a badge or a sticker yeah well i had a prostate exam today get rid of that [Applause] [Laughter] that's my big opener hello liverpool you are going to be a lot of [ __ ] fun all right oh she's so good i'm gonna put my inhaler away right well hello it's good to be back last time i was here a girl asked me for sex i

had to disappoint her we had sex [Laughter] not great for the ego to see just you pissing yourself with the idea somebody might have asked me for sex madam that wasn't that wasn't supposed to be you know the funny bit in that joke but nice to see you again [Applause] i'd recognize that laugh anywhere only [Applause] only tonight it's slightly less hurtful also also when you did the wave i did recognize that hand motion as well i'm trying to learn to be a more sensitive lover i got a dvd how to

improve your foreplay technique it was really good i'd fast forward through the boring bit at the beginning i found that very dry [Applause] now look that's the first appearance of the noise that you make when you think it's a little bit too rude and we're going to hear that a lot listen out for that last night i had to get towed home because ratty and molly were too pissed boom wind in the willows joke for the young people oh yes i like to think i've still got it i took four e's last night that

was a tough hand at scrabble and then i thought oh squeegee some proper nerds in tonight's excellent doesn't work doesn't work genuinely i checked it i stopped in a lay by there was a sign saying no dumping that was her i was just having a piss when you get a new car you're paranoid about scratching it i parked at asda when i came out there was a big gash on the bonnet i said madame [Applause] there's usually more to that joke but tonight tonight it's not needed excellent i like that i went on

a positive thinking course it was [ __ ] [Laughter] knew it would be never trying to use the ouija board to contact the ghost of a dyslexic not a good idea spirit guide what is your name p v is that you steve chair of dyslexic society was given an obe he said what's the point i can't play the bloody thing glad everybody got that tonight sometimes sometimes i have to find somebody at the front to say the word oboe too but tonight tonight you're already there that's nice i'm still a bit shaken up

i was involved in quite a violent mugging the other day but on the plus side did make a few quid swings and roundabouts i usually find that's the best place you can't mug adults i had a vindaloo last night and today my ass really stings couldn't afford to pay the bill and the chef bummed me [Applause] i'm aware that's a very immature joke i'm sorry it's not it's not even true i actually had beef stew with dumplings i shouldn't call her that but she's a big girl so i took a poll recently and 100

of people were quite annoyed that their tent had fallen down when england played poland at wembley apparently there was 30 000 polish fans in the crowd and i thought well fair play to them if i built it i don't have a look around as well i was in a queue at the fairground for the i guess your weight stall eventually i get to the front the guy looks at me goes well i'd say that was about 20 [Music] [Applause] minutes [Laughter] eight people who phoned me up just to complain about the weather whic

h is why i lost my job at mountain rescue i'm not very good at dwarf impressions still hey-ho [Laughter] we've got two kids jane and emma sadly they do both get bullied at school i can't make it stop but i can help them learn how to rise above it the other day i said to them look boys our six-year-old refuses to eat anything other than alpha betty spaghetti luckily he's dyslexic so we just buy him normal spaghetti daddy's raw elves it's welsh i got him some medicine for his adhd on the side the

bottle he said concentrate i thought if he could do that i bought some lamb chops on the packet it said reared in wales i thought it was just a racist stereotype [Applause] i was doing some shows in wales and i went to a tourist attraction called the devil's bridge got its name from the fact that is where they used to try witches and what they would do was they'd chuck some poor woman off the top of the bridge and the idea was if she was a witch she'd fly away whereas if she was innocent she'd f

all to her death on the m4 in scotland the forbidden fruit is fruit this morning i made a belgium waffle in the afternoon i made a frenchman talk bollocks [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] the president of france said this week that english speakers were arrogant in their refusal to learn foreign languages at least i think that's what he said but it all just sounded like hor hey and remember it's not racist it's about the french [Laughter] i bought a really nice 12 year old scotch i mean obviousl

y his parents weren't pleased if anything finding out that jimmy savile was a pedophile made it even worse that he never answered my letters [Applause] all of my favorite 70s kids tv stars they've all been done for it haven't they jimmy savile rolf harris stewart hall i bet finger mouse is [ __ ] himself by the way for anyone under 40 there genuinely was a kids tv program called finger mouse and in the 70s and the 80s that was perfectly acceptable somebody walked into the bbc and said i've got a

n idea for a series for kids and they went what do you do and he goes well basically i finger a mouse and i went well [ __ ] it you're hired come on in that's the least sinister thing going on at the bbc right now and many times i tried to get that joke on mock the week and i was never [ __ ] allowed [Laughter] [Music] you're a pretty outrageous crowd that's good because some nights you just leave out the dodgy ones but tonight they're all staying in so that's nice that means i get to do this on

e uh here we go a pedophile goes into florists i'd like some flowers please or kids no just the flowers [Applause] let's crack on me i was um i'm gonna get out of the way on this bit because i don't know so i'm not blocking your view and stuff i was working with with a colleague of mine recently and he said that his favorite joke of mine was the a40 joke and i was confused because i don't have a joke about the a40 so i asked him what he meant and what he meant was this when i started in comedy i

lived in london for a few years i lived in a flat in shepherds bush i didn't drive so i used to hitch a ride with gigs to you know with comics two gigs uh you know trevor and when you're a younger comic you generally have to travel a bit further to get your gig so i'd be going out to reading or the midlands or something like that places that were willing to put me on stage usually traveling out of london on the a40 the west way and there's a famous landmark on that journey that uh i'm sure you'

ve heard of it even if you've never seen it so here it is there you go the hoover building there and i used to make the same joke every time i passed that just to annoy whoever i was in the car with right and i didn't realize that long after i'd left london to move back to the midlands comics were still making that joke when they passed it so i thought i'd share it with you if you're ever down that way and you pass the hoover building just turn to whoever you're in the car with and say oh look t

hey've left a note out for the cleaner guaranteed laughs [Applause] and the best thing about it is you get to make exactly the same joke again about five minutes further down the road when you pass this sign there you go polish war memorial i haven't fiddled that that is how they line up that's wonderful right i a lot of comics get angry about stuff comics get angry about you know politics or the environment or social justice personally what makes me angry is i'm just a real pet and what makes m

e angry is stuff like bad grammar bad spelling typos people not understanding differential rates of change that sort of stuff i'm really i am that sort of an awkward prick so i'm going to show you i'll show you a couple of leaflets that i picked up in my hometown of birmingham which made me laugh this first one i was at the doctors in scotland green getting a prescription for some inhalers and they they had this leaflet out to encourage people to get tested for alzheimer's so have a look at this

here we go worried about your memory i remember that birthday as clear as can be but it's a struggle to recall what i did this morning well looking at that picture i'm not sure you do remember that birthday as clear as can be because that's a happy couple cutting a cake [Applause] [Laughter] that's a wedding isn't it i'm sorry nan your memory's always been [ __ ] so that made me laugh right i bought a chameleon lost it i've got the memory of an elephant i remember one time i went to the zoo and

saw an elephant i thought ppi was just something you could get if you didn't wear goggles at a swing bats i remember one time at school the teacher asked me to spell sharden freud and i couldn't but he's dead now and i'm not so i win according to the vet my cat's in heat i didn't even know she was famous it's important sometimes to stop and put yourself in the place of someone with disabilities and i have to say those parking spaces are brilliant [Laughter] when my girlfriend suggested we try p

laying doctors and nurses i was really hoping for something sexy being left in a corridor for two days [Applause] i watched the director's cut of a porn film at the end he actually fixes the washing machine i live next door to a family of anorexic agrophobics but they've got a few skeletons in the classroom there you go i'm sorry i remember sitting in psychology class learning about pavlov thinking those stupid dogs and then the bell went and we all had lunch [Laughter] red sky at night light of

shorter wavelengths is being dissipated by water vapor and atmospheric dust [Applause] red sky in the morning same [Laughter] seen at home this guy knocks on my door have you ever considered an alternative energy supplier i'm like no i'm quite happy with food it's got to be a tough job going around door to door encouraging people to photo synthesize [Laughter] i can give you the leading cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell i went to see an acupuncturist when i got home my voodoo doll was d

ead i read a book on stockholm syndrome started badly but by the end i loved it i'll tell you what really balls my piss hotel room kettles [Applause] if a man uses too much pornography eventually it starts to affect his whole attitude towards slags [Applause] one time i met a girl who confused the tuba ky jelly with superglue well i asked how it happened but sadly her lips were sealed [Applause] i've been trying to persuade my girlfriend to sexually stimulate me with her keyring she just keeps f

obbing me off [Laughter] [Music] one time at a party i chucked my car keys into a big bowl and everyone just stared at me and the trifle was ruined old lady names are very much back in fashion at the minute like lily or else you're rose and we wanted something like that for our daughter but we couldn't decide so then we just called her nan [Music] i told her she'll grow into it the doctor told me to lose some weight i said how he said don't eat anything fatty i said what pies chips that sort of

thing he said no just don't eat anything fatty you gotta look after your health as you get older the other day i did a poo and noticed there was a little blood in it i said oh broth get out my toilet [Laughter] i went out with an optician but she'd always take ages to get dressed she'd be like does my bum look big in this and now how about now i slightly overestimated the depth of the stage i'm not the ideal stage for visual bits but what the hell if i'm gonna do it do it all right um i don't re

ally do impressions but i've only got one impression here it is this is my impression of a mime with tourettes we've got michael j fox collecting the glasses at the back of the room there [Applause] i realize that now that i seem to be a mime that speaks and improvises the very opposite of what a mime should be but i i didn't feel like i could let that go you know i have i say improvises i was kind of cheating right when i started in comedy one of the old guys taught me a great trick he says the

re's certain things that happen over and over again in rooms and one of them is you know people you know dropping glasses kicking things over that sort of thing so if you write a joke for when those happen everyone i think you just made it up on the spot and they'll think you're great right so it's a good little trick but after a while after years it becomes muscle memory so a few years ago two years ago and i was doing a benefit at the comedy store in london for the parkinson society anyway i b

elieve before i started talking i was doing an impression of a mime with tourette's [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] i was trying to aim that over your heads otherwise it was like really rude so yeah sorry i've got a new job playing the triangle in a reggae band and ting [Laughter] as a child i was always told that if i touch myself down there god was watching but it turned out it was just uncle [Laughter] peter [Applause] how is uncle peter it's it's terrible business [Applause] you don't want

to be the only person pissing yourself that much of the pedophile joke do you that's really it's fine if everybody does it if it's just you that's really [ __ ] icky you know why is it that every time they put a new bench in the park an old person has to die why is it that when women go to the toilet in pairs no one minds but when i did it i got thrown out the green grocers [Laughter] why is it that every time i go to the gym princess diana dies i bought an alcoholic ginger beer he wasn't please

d a friend of mine has been suffering from paranoid delusions and now he thinks he's a chocolate orange i worry he's going to be sectioned [Applause] poor terry i recently lost my thesaurus i still can't find the words describe abset i bought a vegan friend of mine in a fancy cookbook unfortunately he said he couldn't accept it as it was leather bound which meant it was too heavy for him to lift [Laughter] when i was a teenager my mom always said your bedroom's so messy you'll never get any self

-respecting girl to come back here but luckily they weren't the ones i was going after [Laughter] it was only after i shot the fifth zombie that i started to wonder why they were carrying bags of sweets and ringing my doorbell as a child i was made to walk the plank we couldn't afford a dog my sister's got two small children which happens if you smoke while pregnant the other night i saw a couple weaving all over the street i said honestly get a loom now something slightly different now i'm goin

g to read to you from an ancient text i came across it's the the necronomicon ex mortis the book of the dead one of the most ancient and feared legendary books in human history and i have a copy here we go give you a few words from this let me just brace yourselves beware ye foolhardy mortal within these pages you shall find the secrets of the dark ones a gateway to demonic realms where reality is thin and madness beckons they are things that were and shall be again they crave what is yours life

and flesh they are legion and shall feast on your soul for eternity many happy returns love mom and dad say that's very sweet very sweet you know it's nice [Applause] you know 11th birthday it's nice i'm glad you went with that it was a bit of a risk but it worked good yuri gala surprisingly hard to stab malcolm x chose that name rather than admit he'd accidentally put a kiss at the end of a text message i went to see walt disney on ice bit disappointing just an old bloke in a freezer i'd have

five pounds on the dalai lama if i was a tibetan man if i could moonwalk i'd be doing that right now and i can't people always described cliff richt as asexual but i'd also add be gay [Applause] [Laughter] gonna uh do something slightly different for you now are you aware of uh are you aware of dear deidre who writes a problem page in a newspaper that we do not name in this city yeah right exactly well she writes this shitty problem page right don't worry i'm not picking her up don't worry i'm g

onna take the piss out but you're safe you know i'm not on their side right she writes this shitty problem pager people always write in with their problems they're always a little bit titillating about threesomes or something like that and she answers them with a photo story that always features like women with perfect breasts and men with six-pack stomachs and stuff and i think it's ridiculous so i've started writing some letters myself so let's have a look at some of those shall we here we go

all right dear deidre i was wondering if you could help me with a bit of an embarrassing problem i live in london and i'm in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend who lives in glasgow 400 miles away we see each other as often as we can but it's difficult as train tickets are so expensive nowadays the other day i thought it was my turn to visit him in glasgow whereas he thought it was his turn to visit me in london and we ended up on trains at the same time headed in opposite directions

if his train left glasgow traveling at a speed of 74 miles if she calls it a problem pace you can solve some [ __ ] problems liverpool that's very much how we look at it and that's why i don't ever do this bit to smarter crowds otherwise it's just you know if you don't get it it's just me reading a logic puzzle that gradually gets more and more awkward for anyone who anyone who wants to know the answer they get to wave to each other at crew what's that you want another okay dear deirdre i live o

n a farm and i am autistic and quite badly claustrophobic not traditionally the funny bit in that letter i'll be honest later on i have written a funny but that was very much just setting the scene setting the scene with a little bit of misfortune as background i i dread to ask what do you do for a living i'm really hoping you're a social worker that'll be funny as [ __ ] what'd you do stay at home my mom well you know fine good for you if i you know i won't take the piss because i'll alienate l

oads of people who i do want to watch the show but you know if i want to know anything about daytime tv i know who to ask [Applause] not just daytime tv also wanking anyway [Applause] what can i say i haven't got time to ad-lib i've got a lot of jokes to get through but that was very enjoyable meanwhile i'm going to start that letter again it will make very little i mean dear dear dream i live on a farm and i am autistic and quite badly claustrophobic if it wasn't for my pet chickens i don't kno

w what i'd do although they do require constant attention and of course it's a struggle to keep them safe from mr fox thanks to government benefit cuts i know to move myself and all my belongings to a smaller house on the other side of the river and all i have to do this is both going to take two things [Applause] i left out the bag of grain and you still got that what the hell dear deirdre i wish i had smaller jugs at the moment i've only a five gallon jug and a three gallon jug final one dear

deirdre i was wondering if you could help with our somewhat complicated family relationships brothers and sisters have i none yeah but that man's father is my father's son so how on earth are he and i related and that's from john and wiggin boom local references right all right bit more tea and off we go again i've been attending gamblers anonymous for three years whereas my best mate dave he only stuck it out for two and a half so i won that one dave drowned so at his funeral we got a wreath in

the shape of a life belt well that's what he would have wanted they always say you'll find the love of your life when you're not really looking which was true but by then i'd run her over my next-door neighbor's really loud and obnoxious and now i know how canada feels i was in wh schmitz i bought a book of a thousand raffle tickets for two pound fifty which is a bargain because normally they're a pound of strip i didn't win i bought a chocolate bar on the inside of the wrapper it said you're a

loser i wouldn't mind if there'd been some sort of competition on to make things worse it was a boost as kids you always enjoy dipping ginger nuts into a steaming hot cup of tea but of course nowadays that's called bullying i know i shouldn't do that ginger jokes ginger jokes are kind of the last vestiges of racism and comedy they're supposed to be a hangover from anti-celtic prejudice back in the day apparently that's the origin of it and they started a ginger pride movement to stamp that [ __

 ] out they had a march in hyde park well they were going to but the sun came out and [Laughter] panty liners that was the worst cruise i've ever been on [Laughter] especially the red sea [Applause] that was a beautiful disgusted noise oh that was amazing recently i was fingered for a crime which is quite a harsh punishment [Laughter] when i was young i went out with an older woman who taught me that the best way to perform cunnilingus is to use your tongue to trace out the letters of the alphab

et so i learned how to do that and i was pretty pleasing myself and then she left me for a chinese guy [Laughter] well done i'm getting that one by the way that's excellent right i forgot to do this at the top the venue asked me to to read out an announcement on their behalf so just let me let me do that now here let me get this here we go uh right um we'd like to apologize unreservedly to the hen party we had in last night that we did not provide the stripper mr manhood they'd been expecting we

would also like to apologize to mr mahoud for any embarrassment i went to see the stalactites at cheddar gorge and i guide us just not to try and crack one off and she wasn't even that attractive but i still managed it was very dark this morning i went to a meeting in my premature ejaculator support group turns out it's tomorrow no but i did suffer from premature ejaculation which made me feel selfish bad for my girlfriend and she suggested i try this special cream that reduces your sensitivity

and it really worked because now i don't give a [ __ ] about her yes my uh my girlfriend says i'm not very romantic the other day we were kissing on the sofa and she said how about we take this into the bedroom i said all right you get the other end my girlfriend's dog died so to cheer up i got an identical one she was livid what am gonna do with two dead dogs [Music] she always says my problem is i never follow through on projects so i shat on her stamp clip valentine's day she got all upset w

hen she found out that i'd wiped my knob on the box of chocolates i'd given her luckily i managed to come out with smelling of roses [Applause] we're trying for a baby at the moment her mom's agreed to help out you know just till i get hard enjoy that image i hate people who complain about breastfeeding in public like i don't want to see it well that's disgusting or you can't do that you're not a woman [Applause] and that's not a baby it's definitely not milk as a family we couldn't decide wheth

er to have nana buried or cremated so in the end we let her live nan's going to that suicide clinic in switzerland but don't tell her it's a surprise it's thanks to the efforts of men like my grandad that we don't speak german today because he single-handedly killed 11 language teachers [Music] i started a celebrity magazine for the elderly it's called hello hello hello hello my grandad's trying to keep up with new technology i got a text of him the other day i've had a stroke and now my head's

hanging to one side [Applause] lol he asked me how to print on his new computer i said just control p said i've been able to do that for years my grandad went down in history on one occasion finger girl in geography one time i one time i won a teddy bear from one of those um what do you call those grabby things you get at the fairgrounds gypsies [Laughter] [Applause] i was talking about how pedantic and awkward i am my girlfriend recently said to me that if i carry on being so pedantic all the t

ime eventually i'll find i've got less and less friends i said no i won't i find i've got fewer and fewer friends sir yeah and yeah you can win the battle and lose the war so right so one of the things i get excessively annoyed about is is song lyrics and i know they're not worth it but i i think about things too much so i'm gonna show you this i was um a particular song that winds me up is the song bippity boppity boo off off of cinderella i'm sure that some of you all know in the film it's the

fairy godmother who sings it but in real life it was a woman called verna felton and well look you're a smartcard let's see if you can figure out what's what's bugging me about this i'm gonna have to sing it for you you're ready here we go salagadoola magicabula bippity boppity boo put them together and what have you got bippity boppity boo no you haven't i'm sorry fairy godmother but that is not accurate is it in fact let's have a look at the fairy godmother's hypothesis as an equation shall w

e there we go salagadilla mexican booler plus bippity boppity boo equals bibbidi bobbidy boo no it doesn't all you've got there fairy godmother is an identity all you can say with any confidence is that salagadool and metricabula plus bippity boppity boo equals salad illumicha bula plus bippity to solve that you need a second equation uh you know i've thought about it i've tried to square the circle the only way the fairy godmothers hypothesis can possibly make any sort of sense would be if you

were to assume that saliva do the metric equals zero for all possible values of bippidy boppity-boo and that that isn't what she sang right thank you thank you pedants right i like to annoy my israeli flatmate by giving many posts that's just addressed to the occupier let's enjoy the irony of that dividing the room shall we a friend of mine had a penis extension now his house looks really stupid i've got a small penis but it's all right because my girlfriend's an optimist to her the vagina is al

ways half full by the way ladies i mean obviously that's not true she recently said that i've got a [ __ ] like a donkey turned out she meant the smell which does pose the question how does she know what a donkey's [ __ ] smells like but at least now i know why she's banned from blackpool pleasure beach and why she always called it that [Laughter] knock knock who's there granddad [ __ ] stop the funeral i went to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking then i went to watch the crocodiles and i was

still wanking i always vowed i'd never molest my pet lions and eventually had to swallow my [Applause] pride [Laughter] i was woken up last night by the bulimic upstairs vomiting so i banged on the ceiling going away keep it down [Applause] i know i know it's easy to scoff i found my male g-spot well actually was a customs officer that found it i just bought him dinner i went to a swingers club dorman goes it's 15 pounds to get in or you can pay 20 pound that includes a meal i paid 20 pound i we

nt in oiled naked guy comes up to me goes hello my name's emily i went to buy a christmas tree the guy said you're gonna put it up yourself i said no i was thinking the living room [Applause] a friend of mine keeps going on and on about how good his orthopedic shoe is but i think he's built it up too much when i heard he could now be a sperm donor by post i came in a jiffy a friend of mine said if i text another man and put a kiss at the end is that a bit gay i said what you texting him he said

a picture of my [ __ ] makes very little difference i've been going out with an english teacher which is a bit awkward because she keeps on correcting my grammar during sex i'm like who's the daddy who's the daddy she's no the daddy's whom i'm like suck at good [ __ ] she's now it suck it well and she gets particularly annoyed at my i'm probably used to the colon i accidentally filled the escort with diesel she died i don't like it when you're kissing a girl needs to realize her eyes are open it

's like [ __ ] she's coming around i went to the supermarket and they had a special on he collects the trolley yeah we're getting onto the well naughty ones now this right uh let me show you i've got a little uh a little internet hobby to show you i i call it putting my jokes into the real world a more honest name for it is probably vandalizing wikipedia i like to put jokes into wikipedia as if they're actual facts about the subject and see how long they stay online it's great but if you write t

hem so they sort of sound believable they can stay up for ages so i'm going to show you a little bit of my work here here we go the first one i did was the um the the entry for the race marathon now you're smart people you probably know the race marathon takes its name from marathon in ancient greece they were attacked by the persians they defeated the persian army they sent a messenger to run to athens to deliver the news he ran it in one go delivered the message and then dropped down dead and

that's why the race is now known as a marathon so here's the first entry that i made here we go i've highlighted it to make it a bit bigger and stuff but i'll read it out as well it helps the people at the back so here we go marathon setting around the entire distance without stopping and bursting to the assembly exclaiming we have one before collapsing and dying it probably didn't help was wearing a griller outfit i quite like the fact some of you are reading ahead that's good fun next up we go

t the the uh the benelux that's the low countries in europe belgium netherlands luxembourg the name is now used in a more generic way to refer to the economic cultural and geographic grouping a brief attempt to rename the area the nether regions never really got off the ground next up you may not know the name but he's a russian games designer alexi pagnov he's the man who invented tetris mourners at alexis funeral were shocked as when the body was loaded into the ground the whole cemetery disap

peared [Applause] i know that nerds are thinking only one to four rows of bodies should have disappeared and real nerds are thinking he's not dead yet next up the 1980s sitcom elf the title character is gordon shumway a friendly extraterrestrial nicknamed elf an acronym for alien i like to [ __ ] [Applause] next up lent beginning the day after shrove tuesday lent lasts for the 40 days which jesus spent fasting in the desert as he was embarrassed at how many pancakes he did oh we've all been ther

e stick insect sticking sex have sex very carefully in case of fire [Applause] pilot whale pilot whales strand themselves on beaches as they've given up hope of ever getting a full series [Applause] i thought the next one could do with a bit of tidying up ocd there you go and we got stuttering fairly self-explanatory tourettes [Applause] one time i had a one night stand and i didn't get an erection that isn't cool luckily the woman i was with was really understanding and she just said don't worr

y that used to happen to me because sexual problems are hard for men to talk about as i said i suffered from premature ejaculation i was too shy too embarrassed or anything about it eventually screwed up the courage to go and see my doctor showed her my pee and they said look i'm worried i might be a bit premature she said you certainly are i'm the receptionist i was in town early and i saw people collecting for parkinson's and they were shaking tins which i thought was a bit intense [Applause]

because people collect money for anything nowadays call it a charity recently i saw this woman collecting for reconstructive vaginal surgery following the birth of her eight children there she was outside tescos waving her [Applause] bucket [Laughter] gentlemen if you think your partner's got a rather large vagina it's important to never let on to that fact and believe me i know as i once put my foot in it [Applause] i like this section because these jokes have definitely never been on the [ __ 

] telly i joined a fisting club not so particularly into i'm just trying to widen the circle of my friends [Applause] shouldn't do that you know the first rule of fisting club you do not talk about fisting club second rules think about cutting your nails you know what it's like when you're wanking off three bus drivers at once and it's taking ages and then suddenly [Applause] the irony of finishing that one off yourselves uh i was watching a really weird porn film the other day that was just a f

at man crying and wanking at the same time and then i realized i hadn't turned the telly on [Applause] final thing who who wants to see what my sex space looks like everybody great okay give me 10 seconds to get ready over [Laughter] here liverpool you've been amazing thank you good night [Applause]