Guy Noir: A Crisis in Dublin

[Music] a dark night in a city that knows how to keep its Secrets but one man keeps trying to find the answers to Life's persistent questions gy Noir private [Music] [Applause] eye it was one of those cold rainy March mornings when mortality is in the air and you look in astonishment at the old cajer in the mirror it wasn't so long ago that people your age were dropping acid and looking around town for the hip new joint and now they're into ant acids and thinking about getting a new hip joint yo

u sit in the Glo and you feel as if bad news is imminent I was thinking about maybe taking a winter break to revive my spirits go to ant tigua Bermuda Aruba Iowa soon as I got paid for the shaherazad case sharazad is a cat who uh belongs to a Mrs sorence and I located the cat for her Tuesday she was under a car yeah guy Noir here what can I do for you uh Mr Noir this is Finn Baro conell calling from Ireland how you this figh there you don't want to know sir let me tell you what what can I do for

you I'm just calling this see might you be afraid to come over to Dublin for a few days Mr Noir you see we're having a bit of a crisis sir I run a motor coach company here or connel's Emerald is Coach Tours have you ever heard of it no I haven't sir the somehow the urge to take a motor coach tour of Ireland has never struck me yeah well we see we take folks around you know Americans mostly and they buy their Waterford and their sweaters and their Guinness t-shirts and go around to castles and s

uch and attend a performance of lion dance and be 100 lasses in tart and skirts and high socks and then they go home lovely lovely yes well you see this is the start of our high season Mr Noir s P's day now we 50 busloads of Americans T in Ireland all of them heading for Dublin on March 17 and there's one big problem yes St Patrick's Day is being cancelled no no how can they do it well it turned out it was due to this foot and mouth disease that infecting Livestock in the UK they're trying to ke

ep it out of Ireland and they've discovered that one big cause of foot and mouth disease is throwing up on your shoes so the cancellation of St Patrick's Day but what do what what what do you want me to do about this Mr oconnell yeah well you see we need you to come and stay to St Patrick's there for our clients Mr Noir right but but I'm not Irish yeah well neither or there uhhuh but they're expecting a parade with convertibles and marching bands and cheerleaders and green hats with Shamrocks an

d cheles and blowing on hardens and drinking green beer and all things that we Irish know nothing about I see so you need an American to come to Ireland to put on an Irish Festival for American tourists yeah will you come sir well I if the money were right I suppose yeah how about100 a day in expenses well that sounds right yes that's good I got to Take It On Air Lingus and I headed for Ireland never been there before never cared to go my idea of the Irish was a people who can sit and watch foot

ball on TV and drink about 15 pints and start weeping over their mothers and try to grope the waitress and go home and smack the wife I mean they say that St Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland but uh maybe he was the only one who saw the snakes you know the plane was packed with Catholics I could hear the clicking of beads as the plane took off there was a priest sitting next to me on one side there was a nun on the other excuse me Father do you mind if I ask you a question father not at al

l son not at all son call me Father Patty patio furniture ptio furniture I can't uh I can't help but notice all the Catholics here you want some sort of a pilgrimage father or Furniture uh did we are did we are my son we're going over to witness the miracle there I see the the economic boom there no no it's in County May and the little village of Castle fall at the home of the great Danny O Danny Danny O Danny the great Irish tenner oh to be sure to be sure dannyel Danny the great Avatar of Iris

h Tenor I see a lovely lovely little fellow with a choir boy face and famous the world offer for his Angelic voice to hear him sing Danny Boy AER it's his most requested number really he does it while accompanying himself on the mouth organ you know oh really I say but but but how can he isn't I mean isn't he singing through his mouth or oh not at all not at all dannyel Danny sings entirely through his left nostr I see and he lives right here in Castle fall with his sainted mother I see and dann

yel Danny is a mirac oh sure for the past two and 1 half years whenever he sings the help that RS through teris Halls the family statue of the Blessed Virgin has wept shed real tears is that right well well you know maybe she's sensitive to somebody singing flat you know oh not at all not at all it's a genuine Miracle okay every day at know Danny or Danny comes out in the garden of his home where bu Lords of fans have gathered I see and he sings Danny Boy sure and then they sell the CDs and the

teac cozies yes and the bags of scones right and then they take up a collection for the orphan surely and then he sings teris halls and the Blessed Virgin weeps and the still handkerchiefs dampened with her tears well they do they do and these handkerchiefs have been shown to reverse hair loss really it's through you know it's through maybe you should come to Castle fall with us I pretended to be asleep until the good father and The Good Sister wound down a little bit and then the plane descende

d through about 5,000 feet of clouds and landed in Dublin and Mr oconnell was there in the airport to meet me he looked concerned actually looked horrified I'm afraid we have a problem worse than no St Patrick's Day Mr Noir yes a whole bus Lord of Americans is missing no 40 of them gone no where did they disappear Mr oconnell in cark you mean cork that's why he said cark what were they doing in cark sitting in the park okay doing what in the park eting lunch I see what was for lunch park park ri

ght they were in they were in the park but what were they eating for lunch he they were eating the park of course oh which part of the park all of it it's all good oh what sort of Park was it fried oh fried of course you fried pork that's what I said oh so these Americans are in a park in car eating Park and then what then what a man walks up and he backs are you from you y and then they think it's a l and they say yes and he takes them away I see maybe he was a narc uh anybody see where they we

nt it was too dark oh any Footprints no okay I headed for my hotel to call the authorities in Cork and get the particulars on the vanished American tour group I'd no sooner open my suitcase and hung up my spare shirt than yes come in well lordy Mama woo she was tall and redhaired and she was so beautiful that made your teeth hurt she wore a green t-shirt with Ireland written across the front and irand never looked so good come in ma'am what can I do for you me what can I do for you Mr Noir her t

-shirt was so tight I could read the label on her underwear it said it said two her skin was the color of peach yogurt her hair as wild as beachgrass her eyes a sea change green her nose her mouth her chin her neck her collar bones I could go on and on what can I do for you ma'am do you mind if I sit down there's no chair only the bed then I'll sit in the bed do you mind if I sit down beside you it's your bed I look at her warm full lips and I knew if I went there I'd never return never go back

to my career whatever my career is I forgot so pardon me would you mind telling me something ma'am what is it what is it that I do now yes why am I here in Dublin you've come to find 40 Americans who are lost but secretly you're hoping to Lose Yourself how do you know so much about me I'm a witch well fine I'm a Lutheran each to his own I belong to the old Pagan faith of Ireland I worship God and the trees and the grass and the animals and all in nature beautiful beautiful all the old Celtic rel

igions believed in doing what's natural what's free what makes you happy if it doesn't hurt anybody then go head that's our religion I've been looking for a woman like you we don't believe in marriage I'm glad to hear you say that right up front well you're not married are you Mr Noir to me ma'am marriage is a holy sacrament like the sacrifice of sheep I've managed to avoid both of them she was leaning in toward me breathing on me and made me dizzy with pleasure so what are you up to later H it'

s time to prepare for our Spring Festival yes we must awaken the Earth goddess with loud cries of passion I think we could do that yes oh yes yes yes don't stop no yes there there are more more don't stop keep going yes yes oh yes yes yes what are you doing I I just I put my hand on your arm that's all why I I don't know I I just sort of got into it that's all why did you put your hand on my arm you distracted me I was hoping to contribute you know to the moment that's all I by touching my arrow

well you have to start someplace I mean you must be kidding I guess I was yes you thought you could increase my passion by touching me he I was wrong you know I'm I'm sorry I'm sorry she left and I retired to the bar to try to repair my bruised self-esteem with the use of alcohol I'm not proud of it but that's what I did Ender I'd like a compari a compari father father owe furniture from the flight from the flight the sky pilot right how can you come to Ireland and order a camp party I ask you

I'll tell you why father it's to make sure I don't drink too much I hate compari I my a half of compari is my limit I thought you were going up to County Mayo on your on your pilgrimage ah sure we've been there already we've done all that really and how is Danny O Danny about his charm out as a stuffed bird oh and he's a complete and another fraud no I saw the plastic tube that makes the Blessed Virgin Mary cry oh shameful it was shameful shocking shocking and how did your parishioners like it t

hey loved it yes of course right yes right all the depths of human gullibility yes it can be discouraging sometimes yes another Guinness sir oh okay why don't you throw that Italian vinegar down the toilet and have a point with me well well well well well well well well Mr oconnell it's good to see you luy to meet uh father o Furniture here what would join us in a p here yeah well I don't mind if I do right just help yourself very good you're making any progress trying to find me I've been worki

ng on that Mr oconnell you know it takes time it's an intuitive process inductive reasoning it's not done in a day yeah well you can put your mind it EAS to being found really wonderful a bus load of a tourist Americans were lost in Cork yes where uh in K oh in car in K yes you see they were they were put into quarantine be a government agriculture inspector for the fot M disease really I I I thought the disease only affected cattle well no you see these Americans are fairly bro in the beam I se

e and uh-huh good good substantial people that they are see and they were moving rather slowly in a a group you know and sort of Mo into themselves right so the authorities put them on a truck and they're in a holding area in County Wickland I see well well are they all right of course they're all right aren't they tourists see they're all right so long as they're with the group I see how long are they going to be in quarantine 15 days but they don't know that I see you see every hour or so some

one goes on the PA and tells them that there'll be another update in a half an hour and so far they're content with that a those Airlines have trained us well haven't they yes well so your job is done then Mr Noir I guess so father you'll be heading home soon I suppose oh I suppose so and and you're heading back too ah no no no no I going to stay oh really I have been a priest long enough oh I'm going to stay and take a ride on the Celtic tide I see I got myself a mobile telephone and a website

right and I'm learning Microsoft Word and I'm starting a new career in eCommerce you aren't no I am I am really and I become a partner in the new Enterprise of Danny oy.com no you're pulling my leg fate no I'm not we're going to sell his CDs and book and hankies and teac Coes online and if we can find a way to make tears come out of a modem well God will be on easy well good luck to you good luck to you father of furniture and good luck to you my son yeah or as we say in Ireland May the wind alw

ays be at your back but not coming out of you personally that's right a dark night in a city that knows how to keep its Secrets but one man is still trying to find the answers to Life's persistent questions gy Noir private ey [Music] by