Hot Takes: Comedians On Sucking What?

If you love sucking dick it's 'cause you're good at it, and if you don't like it, if you're like, "I hate blowjobs," it's 'cause you're bad at it. You're really bad at it. - One of my closest and longest friends I have just happens to be a white girl. Went to elementary school together, high school together, we went to separate colleges, we remained friends. I'm the godmother of all her children, and she happens to be a white girl. Now whenever we hang out I don't try to act white, she don't try

to act black. But we respect each other differences. I've taught her some things, she's taught me some things. First of all, I respect her approach to her relationship. She's married to her high school sweetheart, they've been married for over 20 years. She told me that she gives him a blowjob every day. Every day. (audience applauding) And as a black woman, you know that shit damn near choked me. I was like-- (audience laughing and applauding) I'm like, "Bitch, what you using, lip balm, lip gl

oss? What the fuck?" (audience laughing) But then she told me her motto, and black women, I want y'all to write this shit down. She told me her motto. She said, "A blowjob a day will keep a side bitch away." Write that down, black women, write that down. We need to get on this shit. Write that down. Think outside the box. "A blowjob a day will keep a side bitch away." And say what you want, side bitches is a problem right now. Side bitches is a problem. - I was very sheltered growing up. I was t

errified of sex. I thought I would be bad at it. Now that I'm older, it's so easy to be good at sex, isn't it? Oh my gosh, all you have to do is approach it with the enthusiasm of a child. Just put everything in your mouth. (audience laughing) If you can reach it and it fits, that's where it goes. (audience laughing) Pretend you're four and your partner's made of Legos. It's not, it's not complicated. (audience laughing) I grew up very religious so I was encouraged to abstain from drugs and alco

hol and sex and enjoyment. And being abstinent is when you wait until marriage to have sex. They used to tell us the safest sex is no sex, which is a lot like saying the safest travel is books. (audience laughing) When I have a daughter, I'm gonna make sure she's abstinent in high school. And probably before that while we're at it because (audience laughing) when I was younger and I was abstinent, I was not having sex, but I was having other things done to me. And I don't know if you know this,

but other things are kind of the best part of sex for ladies. So while my friends were having sex, I was the only one having orgasms. (audience cheering and applauding) Yeah. I could not believe it when I found out. One of my friends were like, "Yeah, me and Chad have had sex, but I've never, you know." And I'm like, "You're going to hell and you didn't even finish? (audience laughing) I'll pray for you." (audience laughing) - Men, make some noise. Okay, men, you are shit. (audience laughing) An

d I'll tell you why you're shit. You think you can go down on women properly, but you fucking can't. Men cannot go down on women properly. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. Society has let you get away with it. It really has. Because society tells women from the age of eight we've gotta grow up and suck dick. We know that. Ladies, we know it. We know we've gotta grow up and suck dick. It's everywhere. It's in songs. It's in movies. It's in popular culture. It's been put in our-- it's lit

erally been put in our faces. (audience laughing) We know that at some point we're gonna have to suck a dick so we've gotta practice. I've been practicing. We've been practicing so when the moment comes we know what the fuck we're doing. Men, men ain't been told that shit because going down on women is not normalized, but sucking dick is normalized. And it's a fucking joke. It's a joke, guys. I can't take it. It's true. It's true. (audience applauding) I want sitting on faces to be normalized ju

st like sucking dick. And I'll prove it to you, how it's not normalized. Listen, imagine you're watching a film. You're watching a film, right? All of a sudden you see a car driving down a long dirt road, there's a guy driving the car. It's like, "Ooh, I'm driving a car. I'm driving a car. Ooh, down a dirt road. Ooh, mysterious, I'm in a movie driving a car." Then all of a sudden a girl appears from his crotch like "I just sucked his dick." And it's perfectly fine. No one bats an eyelid. But you

never see a woman driving a car (sound effects) when it's done, a man appears from her crotch like-- (audience laughing) (yells) (yells) His face is all sweaty, hair stuck to his face. (yells) You never see it. It's not normalized. I want sitting-on-face to be commonplace. I wanna go out on a Friday night and look down the alley way and not see blowjobs. Oh no, I wanna see girls sitting on faces, sitting on faces, sitting on faces. (audience applauding) Sitting on faces. Texting their friend li

ke, "Babe, I'm gonna come once I cum, okay? I'm coming. Give me two minutes. No teeth." That's what I want, right? I fucking want that shit. I want sitting-on-face to be commonplace. I wanna see a girl like this, behind a parked car like this, and not automatically think she's peeing. No, she's sitting on face, she's sitting on face, she's sitting on face. That's what I want. I want to use that as a form of communication. A guy will be like, "Hello," I'll be like, "Shut up!" Okay? I'm sitting on

face. That is the future I want. Sitting-on-face to be commonplace. That's the future I want. That's the Brexit I want. (audience applauding) - You have two choices, you can spit or you can swallow, right? You gotta register as one before November 9th. Just make sure you know what you're gonna do. I knew what I was gonna do. I was registered as a spitter long before I ever got in that booth, you know what I'm saying? I knew I was gonna spit because I knew about girls who spit, and I knew about

girls who swallow. Girls who spit are grossed out by it and they're like, (spitting sound effects) "Gross." And guys don't appreciate it, but it's far better than a girl who swallows, 'cause I knew girls that swallow. Oh, these sloven whores, they love it. That's fuel for them. It's how they survive. (audience laughing) It's the base of a slut's food pyramid, is just a sturdy base of cum. So I was like, I'm not gonna be a slut. I don't wanna be that, so when I give a blowjob I'm totally gonna sp

it. So I get in there, I give my first blowjob, and I swallowed immediately 'cause I was like, this is disgusting, let's get it down the hatch, take it like a shot. This is clearly the most efficient way to dispose of this. (audience applauding) Immediately, I didn't even have to think twice about-- I've never spit. Ever. If you spit, that means you have to hold it in your mouth as you walk through his apartment and find the bathroom that he shares with his roommates, you run into them, they're

all watching "Varsity Blues" in the living room. You have to be like, "Hey guys, is anyone in there? Can I get in, or? Oh, Andrew's in the shower? I'll wait, it's fine. I love this movie. What is... This is such a good movie. I forget. You forget how good it is." (audience laughing) You're quoting classic lines, I'm like, "I don't want your life," and I can-- it's a better James Van Der Beek because of it. Okay, it's one benefit. But you're doing like a wine tasting. Just... And don't get it twi

sted, guys. A girl isn't-- she's not swallowing 'cause she's like, "Yummy cummy in my tummy." (audience laughing) No. I mean, sometimes. (audience laughing) Turns out I'm a whore. A pretty big whore. But it's usually 'cause you're just like, this is the way to get it down. Sometimes, if I think a load's gonna be really gross, I'm like, "Let's deep throat," so it's like a feeding tube and I don't have to touch it to my taste buds, so-- Pro tip. You're welcome. Some girls love sucking dick. They,

like, love it. And I've never understood it. I'm like, what are you getting out of it? And then I realized it's 'cause they're good at it. That's it. It's as simple as that. Truly. If you love sucking dick it's 'cause you're good at it. And if you don't like it, if you're like, "I hate blowjobs," it's 'cause you're bad at it. You're really bad at it. We like doing things we're good at. And if you were good at it you would do it all the time. If you're just like, "It's such a bore, it's such a pa

in," you suck at it. And I am one of you. (audience laughing) I could've been good. All it would have taken was one guy to give me a compliment early on, you know? Someone to just show me that I had a little promise or something. Just send me off in the right direction. We just wanna be good, and it's-- early intervention is key. I feel like true blowjob queens, girls that are like, "I love it," it was one of the first times they gave a blowjob, the guy was like, "You're great," and believed in

them. 'Cause that's what it takes. It takes one guy, one coach, one youth minister to lay the foundation for a girl... (audience laughing) The first time, you're so nervous, and all you want is a guy to just take your chin and be like, "Hey, look up." You go, "What?" He's like, "You've got spunk... in your hair, but, like, the way that you handled my balls is pretty cool, and I think you're on to something." Just anything. Little nudge. And that's why I tell guys: lie to us. Tell us we're good a

nd we'll blow you all the time. Honestly, you hook up with a girl and she blows you, and it's not very good, just lie and be like, "That was the best blowjob ever," 'cause she'll just be like, "It was?" And then she'll set off on a course to be the best. She'll go out and she'll be like, "I was good once." You know? - I realized that my relationship, I had just gotten too comfortable. I wasn't doing everything I should have been doing. I realized that we were basically down to three sex position

s. I'm on top, he on top, hit it from the back. I'm on top, he on top, hit it from the back. I was bullshittin'. And ladies, you know when you're bullshitting. You know when you ain't doing everything you're supposed to do. But then I realized that there's no measure as to where you should be in your relationship sexually. So tonight we gonna create some new rules and new regulations. So from this night on, if you've been fucking the same man for over three years, by now you should be sucking hi

s dick hands-free. You should. (audience applauding) You should be bluetoothing that dick. And you should be wireless, meaning, sucking it anywhere in the house. And if you wanna be impressive, don't drop no calls. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Other than that you're bullshitting. And you know you bullshitting. Now look at women, women done got mad. They sitting there telling their girlfriends, "Well, my man don't like his dick sucked." Well, that's 'cause you can't suck dick. (audie

nce laughing) (audience applauding) And I don't proclaim to be a professional dick sucker, but I can tell you what I know about sucking dick. See, you don't have to suck dick good, you just gotta suck dick often. And you really don't have to suck it often. You just gotta suck it when he least expect it. See, you don't never want a man to ask you to suck his dick. That's degrading. (audience laughing) You don't never want this... You gotta suck his dick when he least expect it. Like he would neve

r expect you to suck his dick with your Easter dress on, never. (audience laughing) But he'll never let you forget it. Years down the line he be like, "Remember that time you sucked my dick with that yellow dress on, had the ruffles around the neck, you had on them white lace gloves? Yeah." Oh, you got to suck dick nowadays. Men ain't impressed with cooking no more. Bitch, gravy come in a jar. Rice take 90 seconds in the microwave, bitch. You got to suck dick nowadays. And to the lesbians in the

house, I see y'all cringing. Don't cringe. I salute you. I respect you 100%. Do what you do. But for me, I could never eat pussy. Oh my God. (audience laughing) I could never eat pussy, and I'll tell you why. 'Cause I got a problem with ass. And when you eat pussy, ass is the chaser. At least when you're sucking dick, the balls is the room divider. And if you suck the dick the right way, the balls be cheering you on. They be like... (audience laughing) (audience applauding) You gotta open your

eyes up while you're down there.