I love my 50s I'm living some of the best years of my life but how did it turn out this way that's a question I keep coming back to that I find fascinating I wish I could say that around the age of 49 I got my act together started working on more changed my diet started meditating and boom entered my 50s in Peak shape and here I am kicking ass living life fully and crafting my future the way I wanted uh no getting to this place right now has been a long time in the making I'm talking Decades of
pretty high highs and some pretty damn shitty lows as I see it the present moment any present moment for anyone at any time is the sum total of all their past thoughts habits decisions and actions all that defines where they end up right now whether they like it or not so how does that compute for me in my case something nodded me from a young age a sense that there's something deeper at play here it can't just be about this external existence as we see it which always felt so limiting defined s
uffocating that resulted in a life of searching originating in a deep desire to want to know more to connect to something more meaningful but that doesn't explain the mechanics of how and why things unfolded for me the way they did like I said in my life there's been a lot of ups and downs in some of those very dark moments could have turned out very differently in other words really really badly in the end this windy bumpy at times very painful Journey was really worth it I didn't fully know at
the time of course what all that search hard work and dedication would eventually mean but I'm now very grateful for It ultimately it got me to this place where I've been able to discover more freedom a greater richness in how I live my life in a more profound appreciation for what's possible as a human being as embarrassing as some of what I'm about to share is I choose to lay Bear My Soul nonetheless in the name of satisfying my own curiosity and hey why not to appreciate what's gone into and
continues to go into examining my own life and to celebrate this amazing place that I now find myself in foreign being very curious I've always been very sensitive and so the Arts made a lot of sense to me from a young age drawing music poetry these were rich and inspiring ways of connecting with that intangible something that Inner Essence I met Cecilia in 1988 and we clicked immediately in the way that we viewed life speaking of very similar language she would get things in a way that did not
remotely resemble anyone else in my circle it was really amazing to be able to connect with someone else in that way as if falling in love were not enough meeting her created this explosive Chemistry Between Us that translated into combined love of anything artistic and over time a real hunger to learn and grow as individuals to take bigger and more meaningful bites out of life in other words more questions more exploration and more exponentially so as a Duo it seemed crazy to us and more so as
time went on that people in general were not talking about aspects of life that we saw extremely important not at home growing up not in school not amongst friends as if the inner stuff were to be cast aside not really looked at in favor of schooling marriage institutions following what you're told what everybody else does yada yada yada there wasn't clear understanding back in those early days of what we were doing or looking for exactly but a lot of this invisible sort of counter Stuff felt r
ight and we felt motivated to pursue it starting with the landmark forum which at the time was huge for us a concentrated series of programs that gave us a fresh new look at our lives our potential as people we followed that with material from Tony Robbins Deepak Chopra and others in 2004 we moved to Oregon feeling very done with California and wanting a fresh new start elsewhere being the independent-minded types that we are we felt a strong need to be on our own away from extended family somew
here where we could raise our boys on our own turf on our own terms the move was not easy whether it's selling our home and all the rerouting process and the fact that we were having marital problems but it came with unexpected gifts which we could not have known about had we not undertaken this adventure goes to show you what could be in store for you when you take a leap of faith in our search for help with our relationship one of the biggest gifts was finding a group of people doing deep inte
rnal emotional work which we almost immediately clicked with and have been doing ever since we quickly learned that the best thing we could do is to focus each of us on ourselves our emotions our internal landscape it was a real wake-up call to realize that it was always about us as individuals not about the external the external does affect us of course but it's triggering what's already inside of us before going deeper into my story I want to talk about better help the sponsor of this video I
think betterhelp is an incredible tool that I so wish it existed years ago it should be no surprise by now that I'm a huge fan of therapy as a very powerful way to help us work through emotional challenges therapy is oftentimes misunderstood by people I see it as an incredible investment in yourself helping you to get to know yourself better and to grow and Blossom as an individual without therapy I don't know how I would have been able to navigate some of those very challenging times that I'm a
bout to describe unfortunately good therapy is hard to combine there's the cost aspect but also finding someone that's a good match for you and that's what I really like about betterhelp how they make this whole process so much more accessible their customized online therapy approach includes video phone and if you'd like live chats with your therapist meaning you don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to you can also request to get a different therapist at any time for absolutely no add
itional charge which is great because you never get locked in with someone you don't like working with if this interests you you can use the link in the description below and get 10 off your first month thank you better help for sponsoring this video now through this therapy we had discovered in Oregon Cecilia and I began to realize that by working on our own stuff our triggers our resistance we could open ourselves up more and more live richer lives connect with those around us in a radically d
ifferent way the other thing we quickly learned is that you don't do this in a handful of sessions this is a lifetime's worth of personal work now I have to admit I am one stubborn son of a which has most definitely hurt me at times however it has also allowed me to be disciplined and to stay focused on teachings and practices throughout my life especially with this therapy I'm describing and to return to it time and again every time I've stepped off the path I thank my lucky stars for my curios
ity my sensitivity my stubbornness for always nurturing that interest that passion to dig deeper and for having a partner who has shared with me those values and unwavering dedication over the years [Music] so far pretty awesome right well this is the part of the story where this hits the fan splattering everywhere at times What would life be without curveballs without testing us from time to time in some shape or form now I ask that you hang with me through this next part of the video obviously
things turned out just fine as evidenced by where I am now but like I said before a journey was required for this kind of payoff the first real big deal episode in my life was our five-year house remodel project that began in 2009 yes that gorgeous property in Portland that you might have seen in my videos I am endlessly thankful for that undertaking in the sense that my wife single-handedly created a paradise through her amazing design talents in dogged tenacity that we got to fully enjoy for
nearly a decade not to mention the value that she created that we so benefited from when we sold at the peak of the market last year facilitating our big move to Europe and this lifestyle we now get to enjoy however as an actual experience it really messed with me rattling me quite violently trying to get my attention the way that these life tests go you wouldn't know any of that of course just by seeing pretty clips of the property but that endeavor felt like sheer hell at times we ran out of m
oney repeatedly okay October 17th and we are forced now to suspend the project checked quite a sad moment for us right now can't get alone can't sell our assets either we're not sure what's going to happen at this point dealt with some really bad apples in the construction and remodeling business and it was an experience that put a real strain on our marriage my anger and fear during those long years were out of control and yes I was already doing therapy around my triggers but those emotions we
re so strong that they were literally running the show I repeatedly chose the cower and run from that monster of a project I decided it was too much to face and that the best thing to do was to turn a blind eye to the whole situation over and over again for years the hard and heartbreaking reality was that I entirely dropped the ball in Cecilia who practically alone had to carry the full load on her shoulders with young kids while running her own business she was a real life Wonder Woman my beha
vior almost cost me my marriage I just could not deal with reality as it was at the time it also cost me being able to learn some very important lessons about facing challenges finding courage discovering Inner Strength trusting outcomes in retrospect it showed me what emotions can do when all you're doing is acting them out so that was a fail not a fan of the word but it was most definitely a missed opportunity a big one initially I was going to try and find something positive and insightful to
say about those very difficult years but then I realized there wasn't anything sometimes we miss opportunities in life it's how it goes not every dark tunnel is traversed successfully to the other side where we come out transformed somehow [Music] fast forward now to 2018 when I embark on a near 100-day Journey with my older son Nathan throughout the Spanish-speaking world on a gargantuan documentary style project then my video production company has secured this one also starts very innocently
Father and Son travel together on once in a lifetime work Adventure Halfway Around the Globe and it was one that very quickly spirals into depths I did not know were possible just as with the house remodel project I had zero idea what I was getting into life can be sneaky that way and thank goodness had I known even a small fraction of wood lay ahead I would not have undertaken this massive Endeavor no way and so life did its thing it served me another unexpected uniquely tailored challenge for
me to take on and learn from or not my choice as it turned out the second episode Mega rattled me to the core and I guess at that point I was ready to pay attention and when it was over and I did the long and hard work afterwards I found I had changed I went into this project with ideas of who I was I was this director producer guy who could not fail who was going to rock it in front of my son impressing him as we went from City to City capturing incredible content well we did collect incredibl
e stories and we did produce some amazing videos in the end but it was thanks to my son who was able to step up and save the day big time all my ideas about who I was the labels I had slept on myself the things I wanted to prove in order to get validation were completely shattered we were a super tiny crew and I could not keep up with the amount of work and responsibilities I could not rise to the occasion and be a hero during what seemed like endless months when I returned home at the very end
of it all I was an empty shell of myself my ego took such a beating that I was almost unrecognizable I could have run again from those feelings of having felt epically and done something or other to defend myself justify my actions compensate for them etc etc or instead since this stuff was visibly in my face almost begging me to look at it I could choose to take a closer look and deal with what was there this second time around I chose the latter if you'd like to hear more about this story chec
k out the podcast I did recently with my son where we go deep into this very intense and challenging phase in our lives and how we both came out of it on the other side both of us grew tremendously from this experience and can now say that our relationship is the strongest it's ever been his channel is called No backup plan and I'll leave a link in the description below [Music] having just shared a couple of very ugly periods in my life I think it's pretty clear that I'm not proud of either of t
hem what I am proud of is what I did this final time around I finally stopped and took notice I finally asked what the hell is going on here to pull a line from a favorite quote by Oprah Winfrey life always Whispers to you first but if you ignore the whisper sooner or later you'll get a scream I guess I got the memo loud and clear long last and was ready to do something about it sometimes it takes getting dragged through the mud before we wake up and take action my therapist would remind me that
my desire to learn and grow kept pushing me forward that longing to find Freedom for myself and I'm sure he's right I saw it as being too tired to fight anymore to keep going pretending I was someone that I wasn't I was also too deep into my internal work at that point to ignore what was happening and do nothing about it so I suppose all of it the hunger for answers the time spent inside me the real life experiences led to that moment of critical mass where I was ready to crack open at least en
ough in cracking open turned out to mean giving up parts of myself that I thought were so important to my identity letting some of those attachments go allowed a more real version of me to start to emerge I began to flourish in unimaginable ways I got back to music for a while then Dove deep into editing some really personal content and rediscovered my love for telling very real and authentic stories my artistic expression was a lot to come through through the removal of some of these obstacles
that had been in the way that I myself had created as part of this image I had for myself I got my relationships back in a deeper and richer way Cecilia included who had been very much negatively affected by my experiences traveling with Nathan I'd hate to think what might have happened had I not started to open up this way what sort of more permanent hell I might have ended up in working on this video I set out to understand the how and why this process I went through and what I'm realizing is
that it's all too complex and beyond my comprehension you can't analyze how your life turned out the way that you would some dense math problem I do get however that I had to and still need to live as fully and openly as I can letting that deep desire to evolve carry me forward getting up and trying again every time I get knocked down and I get too that it's always my choice internally it's what I choose to do with any given situation the rest is entirely out of my hands the universe is the big
AI that computes the rest this feels like the end of a long road and yet it's a new beginning here's to my next 56 years to embracing all the ups and downs challenges and surprises and to reap all the lessons and gifts that they come with foreign [Music]
Comments