bizel wasn't your average Zari Explorer while her crewm mates sought out new trade routes and habitable planets she was obsessed with The Whispers Legends of a species so chaotic and illogical bordering on Galactic myth humans they run on Bean Juice her first mate Trill would hiss his anny twitching with anxious disapproval they weaponize boredom bizel it's natural but bizel saw the Allure every port had stories of these humans some claimed they slept with their eyes open could reattach severed
Limbs and most terrifying of all found something called taxes vaguely amusing the potential for disastrously entertaining research was just too good to pass up with much groaning and begrudging assistance from her crew bizel ship the Shimmer song deviated from the standard Roots they chased rumors like Cosmic moths drawn to a dangerous flame each whisper fueled bizzle's determination a half-eaten sandwich seemingly abandoned for months yet emitting no foul odor a distress call in a tongue no tra
nslator could decipher and was suspected to be a dare the search was agonizing it gored at bizzle's patient and trills Sanity her crew eyed her with a mixture of exasperation and morbid curiosity wondering just when their Captain would fully snap then the Breakthrough it wasn't glorious it wasn't even particularly coherent bizzle's ship received a garbled transmission a series of numbers interspersed with dissonant musical notes on a whim her science officer ran it through the trans translators
again this time with an experimental filter set to highly illogical the result wasn't a translation but rather a set of coordinates coordinates leading to the mythical Source Earth bizel barely slept for the next three rotation Cycles Earth The elusive cradle of humanity Trill bless his anxious xari heart nearly had an antenna related breakdown Recon Bizzle he insisted we need a plan humans are apex predators disguised as overworked salary beings probably Bizzle fueled by an Unholy amount of som
ething the humans called Cola just waved him off planning was for the cautious for her this was Destiny the Shimmer song dropped out of warp near the designated coordinates sens going haywire the closer they got to the blue green marble of Earth bizel ordered disguises vaguely humanoid but with enough additional eyes and a dash of bioluminescence to pass as just another of the Galaxy's odder species they landed in a sprawling expanse of metal and glass structures a human Metropolis Bizzle heart
pounding in her thorax led her crew out of the ship now to find an actual human and do what she hadn't exactly thought that far ahead their first encounter wasn't with a towering politician or a brilliant laser eyed scientist it was with a slumped figure hunched beside a gargantuan metal contraption that occasionally beeped and sputtered bizel approached cautiously Trill hesitantly at her side the creature clearly byed with disheveled coverings that might be fur or clothing was emitting low gutt
eral groans a half empty container made of some translucent material lay discarded beside it greetings bizel began her voice translator mangling the intended Earth language into something that sounded like squarks and static the creature finally looked up revealing two blur eyes and an expression that transcended species an expression that whispered of Eternal exhaustion and Cosmic disappointment coffee machines busted again it muttered then did something profoundly disturbing it extended an app
endage towards the discarded container and put it directly in its mouth the creature then slurped up a brownish liquid making a noise that sent shivers down bizzle's kitous plating was this some Preparatory ritual before humans revealed their destructive form was the broken coffee machine a deliberate ruse Trill was quietly hyperventilating into a pouch meant for emergency oxygen you Bizzle managed her voice a squeak are you a human the creature blinked owlishly at her Nam Steve it muttered then
pointed a wavering finger at its chest human you got a problem with that the problem bizel realized was that nothing made sense this wasn't a fearsome Galactic Overlord but a disgruntled beverage Enthusiast where were the death Rays The Fleets of Starships the hauntingly witty battle plans um she ventured could I possibly have some of that liquid Steve squinted at her at her crw trying desperately to blend into the metallic scenery then Shrugged from somewhere in the depths of his tattered oute
r coverings he produced a battered flask of questionable design it was decorated with symbols that were probably warnings and it emitted a smell strong enough to peel atmospheric sealant knock yourself out he muttered handing it over it'll keep you awake but that's about the best I can promise under bizzle's six eyes the flask seemed to hover menacingly logic screamed at her to run yet the Allure of the unknown was a siren song she took a hesitant sip the universe imploded or rather her sense of
taste did it was bitter scolding and made her feel like all her internal organs were rearranging themselves at the same time the fog clouded ing her mind lifted replaced by a jittery sort of hyper awareness whoo she breathed Stars sparkling around her vision were stars always that shimmery Trill wailed in the background likely preparing some sort of farewell eulogy for his captain bizel ignored him this this was glorious the Galaxy made sense again she wasn't just awake she was alive more she d
emanded somehow forgetting about caution and Intergalactic diplomacy for the sake of this newfound terrifyingly addictive substance Steve apparently unfazed by her reaction just Shrugged and refilled her flask suit yourself he grumbled just don't say I didn't warn you Mondays suck you know the rest of the first Contact was messy it involved bizzel discover ing the wonder that was mechanical pencils infinite writing sticks Trill attempting to communicate the concept of paperwork with interpretive
dance and one of her crew mates accidentally sneezing so hard in surprise that it triggered the building's Intruder alarms Steve surveyed the chaos with a dead pan stare y' are something else he finally declared Downing the last of his own questionable beverage this is just like that time Karen from accounting brought her pet lizard to budget review it wasn't the start of the Epic Galactic confrontation bizel had imagined in fact as she stared at Steve at the absurdity playing out around her sh
e started to laugh it bubbled up a giddy slightly hysterical noise bouncing off the metallic walls it seemed that the humans weren't the Galaxy dominating masterminds the Legends foretold they were something far more bizarre far more potent they were mundane and in their glorious mundanity bizel had found the most fascinating research subject in the entire universe news of Steve and his mystical liquid of questionable power dubbed coffee for the sake of cataloging spread through the Shimmer song
like a glorious contagion soon soon bizzle's crew had abandoned all pretense of fear and were buzzing with the frenetic energy of a thousand overstimulated insects observations devolved into pure glorious chaos they vocalize in rhythmic patterns over food proclaimed science officer R holding aoft a half-eaten pastry the tonal variation seems to express pleasure or maybe indigestion more testing required chief engineer physic was enthralled by a device called a stapler repeatedly punching holes
into random objects with worrying Glee Trill bless his anxious heart had discovered a cubicle containing a towering stack of something called reports and now seemed convinced Armageddon was inevitable and bizel bizel fueled by a continuous infusion of coffee was compiling her notes they were frantic scribbling filled with more question marks and exclamations than a standard xyi scientific Treatise hypothesis one humans are not inherently destructive but rather operate in a state of Perpetual low
-level disaster hypothesis 2 their concept of time is fluid and largely based on proximity to Coffee hypothesis 3 sarcasm may be a primary mode of communication further research required potential for fatal misunderstanding High by the time reinforcements from The Wider xari Fleet arrived alerted by a rather panicked message from Trill regarding weaponized staplers Bizzle had reached a profound realization humans were not the terrifying conquerors of Legend they were the cosmic equivalent of a f
ireworks display un predictable prone to misfires and dazzlingly absurdly entertaining word of bizzle's Discovery rippled through the galactic Community with the speed of a hyperdrive malfunction initial fear bloomed into cautious curiosity then amusement and finally well something akin to exasperated bewilderment the Zari High Council usually a Haven of stoic logic found themselves debating the ethics of interspecies coffee distribution and sending frantic inquiries about something called memes
that bizzle's reports kept mentioning other species drawn by this bizarre portrait of humanity began visiting Earth the Burly battle hungry grith sent a tentative delegation asking mostly about protein shakes and free weights the ethereal nari philosophers arrived seeking Enlightenment only to spend a month utterly baffled by the concept of reality television Steve the unassuming Herald of this Intergalactic upheaval just Shrugged and went back to his spreadsheets Monday still suck he'd occasio
nally inform anyone listening a statement that now carried the weight of universal truth Bizzle the once ridiculed explorer was hailed as a Pioneer her transmission requests never stopped begging for more data more observations more insights into the gloriously chaotic phenomenon that was humankind the Shimmer song became a permanent research Outpost in Earth orbit its crew the unwitting ambassadors of a very confused species and so the legend of humans shifted not destroyers of Worlds but Weave
rs of absurdity their most potent weapons turned out to be a questionable beverage inexplicable paperwork and the dead pan ability to find humor in the cosmically mundane they weren't the galactic threat the universe had feared but rather its most entertaining and perhaps most perplexing reality show the Earth itself became something of a cosmic Zoo albe it a very strange one where the visitors were often more bewildered than the exhibits tour groups were organized led by humans remarkably toler
ant of enthusiastic aliens attempting to pet their laptops or offering to recharge their cellphones by waving Crystals at them Commerce oddly enough boomed while human food proved a dangerous gamble for most species their creative genius was undeniable self-cleaning socks waterproof notepads the ever elusive comfortable shoes these became Galactic best sellers meanwhile back on the Shimmer song Bizzle was facing a new challenge boredom sure the constant stream of confused dignitaries and baffled
tourists was entertaining but she was an explorer at heart there had to be more to humans than coffee and staplers it was Steve of all people who gave her a clue one day amidst reports of a visiting delegation getting lost in something called Ikea he muttered if you want to see humans in their natural habitat got to go out on a weekend intrigued bizel ventured back to Earth tailing Steve not through office complexes but through bustling markets crowded recreational areas and something called a
music Festival which seemed designed to inflict maximum eardrum damage what she found was enlightening humans unleashed the careful facade of the workday melted revealing laughter arguments strange competitive rituals one involved kicking an inflated ball remarkably well and impromptu attempts at artistic expression that would make most linari philosophers faint and everywhere stories whispered around campfires shouted across crowded dance floors shared in the quiet companionship under Starlet S
kies stories of Dreams heartbreaks small victories and belly aing laughter at the absurdity of it all bizzel perched somewhat precariously in a tree she might have accidentally climbed too high had her Epiphany if humans were a story coffee and P paperwork were mere punctuation the real tale was in their connection their chaos their Relentless Pursuit Of Joy amidst the mundane would the rest of the Galaxy ever fully understand probably not but maybe bizel realized that was okay some Mysteries we
re best left a little messy a little baffling a little human the idea blossomed into a project so ridiculous so audacious It could only have been borne from prolonged exposure to humanity and several extra shots of espresso bizel called it the grand experiment with Steve's reluctant help and much bribing in the form of obscure snacks from the furthest reaches of space she coralled a group of remarkably Brave or perhaps foolish humans there was an artist a truck driver a stressed out CEO a surpri
singly chipper kindergarten teacher and a grandmother who could swear in at least 12 languages next came the tricky part the location it couldn't be Earth too familiar it couldn't be a standard issue Zari ship too sterile bizel ended up commandeering an abandoned gri battle cruiser found orbiting a disputed asteroid belt the grith hadn't wanted it back too many flashbacks to karaoke night mishaps apparently her crew redecorated the inside with a combination of human Ingenuity and zari's love for
bioluminescent fungi there were hammocks made out of repurposed space suits a snack bar featuring The Galaxy's most questionable Delicacies and a room dedicated to something called board games that was wisely labeled with Hazard symbols the plan throw the random humans together add a baffled alien translation crew and just observe the results were a glorious Testament to the cosmic absurdity that was The Human Condition there were tearful arguments over something called the best way to fold lau
ndry interspecies dance offs that almost caused a diplomatic incident and a week-long debate on whether pineapple belonged on a pizza that ended in a surprisingly peaceful compromise Bizzle had never seen anything like it there was anger Joy confusion and moments of connection that transcended language and biology it was messy it was loud and it was utterly captivatingly human news of the grand experiment spread like a cosmic Wildfire delegations flocked wanting to witness this for themselves Bi
zzle fueled by a continuous stream of coffee and an unshakable belief in her own Insanity became an accidental Intergalactic celebrity the Galaxy never truly got humans but watching the unfolding drama on the old battle cruiser they began to understand something vital maybe the point of humans wasn't Galactic domination maybe it was in laughter connection and finding joy and purpose in the beautiful baffling ordinary moments and maybe just maybe that was a power far greater than Conquest ever co
uld be
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