How to Beat the DEADITES in EVIL DEAD RISE

If your hairbrained nephew unwittingly  summoned a sadistic demonic force bent on possessing and/or wiping out your  entire family, what would you do? As if watching our loved ones devolve into  playthings for a malicious, unknown entity wasn’t bad enough, a massive earthquake has us trapped in  our rundown old apartment building, and with all the cell towers down as well, don’t expect John  Constantine to swoop in at the last minute and solve our problems for us. Fact is, if we want any  chance

at making it out alive, we’re going to have to find a way to make these freakshows  horizontal, but as we’re about to find out, they don’t stay that way for very long. If your hairbrained nephew unwittingly summoned a sadistic demonic force bent  on possessing and/or wiping out your entire family, what would you do? I’m going to break down the mistakes made, what you should do, and how to beat  the Deadites in EVIL DEAD RISE Beth just found out the hard way life happens  fast. Now that she has

one in the chamber, she decides to hang up her career as  a rock and roll roadie and barge into the chaotic existence of her older sister,  who she pretty much ignored during her own bout of catastrophic family struggles just  a few months prior. Oh, but don’t worry, Ellie quickly sends her tax write-offs out for  pizza so she can share all the juicy details of her recent transition to single parenthood, and  just in time for them to see the big one hit. Man, this was a short one. Oh, well. Ahe

m. And with that. All our heroes were crushed under innumerable tons of steel and concrete. Moral of the story, don’t die. I’m joking, of course. Obviously, the building  pulls through, although that’s pretty surprising given its age and general crappiness. Even more  surprising is how Bridget, Danny, and Kass knew to curl up by one of the pillars. Either beside  one of those or a wall is where you’ll have the best chance of survival during an earthquake.  It seems someone taught them well. Unfo

rtunately, Danny must have missed the  part about not immediately climbing down into a freshly opened fissure mere seconds after the  shaking stops. As Bridget correctly points out, this is exactly how an aftershock subtracts  you from the gene pool, not to mention the fact it could be on the verge of caving in  or filling with gas from a broken line. Nah, it’s totally fine. After all, Moron  sees an old bank vault down there. Honestly, I say go for it, dude. Your mom clearly  isn’t flush with c

ash right now, and you could definitely save her a boat load  by vanishing off the face of the Earth. However, much to the detriment of local  test scores, not only does Danny avoid being swallowed alive by the forces of  Darwinism, he ends up walking away with some dusty old tome they can pawn for beer  money. Yup, just an ordinary book, with teeth, that appears to be bound in human skin. Nope. We’re throwing it out the window. Did you not see all the twisted crap adoring every  single page? A

bsolutely nothing good could come from holding onto this thing for any amount of  time. “Oh, but, Nerd,” you say, “demons and curses are just fairy tales made up to sell Ouija Boards  and incense candles. Surely, no one would believe such a thing could ever be dangerous.” Well, let’s start with what we know for a fact. The creepy old book’s cover drank up  some of Danny’s cherry aide before magically unlocking itself and revealing the horrors  within. No thanks. Out the window. Yes, someone else

will probably find it and unleash  the evil spirits themselves, but it could just as easily be found back in the bank vault after work  crews come in to survey the damage. At least this way, we’d be getting rid of it before one of us  inadvertently signs our own death warrants. The good news is that it’s 2023, and no one  under the age of 25 has ever actually read a physical book before, so at least we won’t have  to worry about someone reciting any potential magic words without realizing, righ

t? Well,  about that. It seems the previous owners of this abomination had the foresight to include an  audio version in case future readers regressed to the attention span of a fruit fly. And as we all  know, vinyl’s been making a comeback. Yet another reason you don’t take the  elevator after an earthquake. I’m pretty sure laundry can wait, and she  literally just ripped her brood a collective new one for doing the exact same thing not five  minutes ago. Like, I get she couldn’t have known a d

emon from evil was about to string her up  like Howdy Doody, but she should have at least been aware that an aftershock could occur at any  moment. If that happened while she was in motion, more likely than not the e-brakes would have  tripped and left her stranded until help arrived, which without cell service, could have  taken hours, if not all night. Meanwhile, her dependents would be left in the  custody of her road rat younger sister learning alternative uses for metal spoons. Of course, w

hat they’re left to deal with now will probably make them wish she had gotten  stuck on the elevator, because eventually mommy dearest staggers back to the apartment,  and, boy, has she worked up an appetite. There’s a Mother’s Day card for you. Yeah, this is not good. Ellie looks like someone messed her up with coffee pot, and  between her slurred speech and the fact she puked up about a million gallons of whole milk  afterwards, I’d say she needs a hospital like yesterday. But because the elev

ator’s shot and  the stairs are… out of order, all we can do is keep an eye on her until someone can bring back  help. Sure, she might seem deader than Elvis right now, but people have come back from pretty  shocking displays of lifelessness in the past, so we shouldn’t give up on her just yet. And for that matter, why is no one performing CPR? Between Danny, Beth, Bridget and all  the neighbors, we could keep a rotation going for hours on end. Come on Beth; you’re the  adult here. Besides, wit

h your line of work, no way this is the first time you’ve seen someone  unresponsive after heaving their guts out. As for how we go about reaching help, we’re  not nearly as hosed as one might think, that is provided one of us is willing to risk it for  the biscuit, and by that, I mean Danny. Seriously, dude, your mom started pulling an EXORCIST within  minutes of you playing that creepy butt recording. This is very obviously all your fault, so  now you get to be part of the solution. First thin

g’s first, we need to fashion a rope out  of bed sheets so Numbnuts can reach the ground in one piece. Sure, it might sound a little crazy  given we’re on the fourteenth floor and all, but three years ago, a couple inmates escaped the  Oklahoma County Jail by rappelling down twelve stories with one of these bad boys, so it’s  well within the realm of possibility. Plus, we don’t actually have to make it all the way  to street level. Looking down the stairwell, there’s only a handful of flights mi

ssing  before it picks up again, so realistically we’re only talking about fifty or sixty feet. As for the rope itself, that’s the easy part. A single king-sized sheet makes about twelve feet  of rope, so if the entire floor pools together, we should have more than enough to make it down.  After all, I’m sure everyone would be willing to sacrifice some linens if it means getting out of  here. We’ll want to attach each sheet together at the corners using square knots, and then  fasten it to somet

hing sturdy like a radiator, or support beam. We could even have everyone hold  onto it if there’s no better option. Once we, sorry… once Danny, climbs on, he’ll want  to loop the rope around his foot using the S-wrap technique to slow his descent, and  from there it’s just a matter of gently sliding down at a controlled pace  until he reaches solid ground. Of course, if we wanted to make this even easier,  we could use old man Fonda’s boomstick to blast our way into the abandoned apartment and

access  the fire escape, ya know, like he suggested. Oh, except apparently, we can’t because, and I quote,  “everyone is on edge enough without guns getting fired in here.” Yeah, speak for yourself, nitwit.  Your neighbor just dropped dead for no reason, and everyone else is trapped up here waiting  for an aftershock to finish what the city should have done to this place years ago.  I think they’ll understand if we tell them we’re going to pop off a couple shotgun  shells to unfreak ourselves. B

esides, it's not like everyone will immediately start  eating each other’s faces over random gunshot. This is Los Angeles, for Christ’s sake. Ultimately, whatever we decide to do, we’d better do it quick, because it turns  out Ellie hasn’t checked out yet. But, as everyone’s about to find out, this is not  quite the miracle they were hoping for. Nope. That’s it. We’re throwing  her out the window. And in about thirty seconds we’re really  gonna wish we had, because Ellie’s about to rip through h

er family like crap through  a goose, although it’s not like anyone did a dang thing to try and stop her. I mean, sure,  it’d probably be difficult to crack your own mother over the head with a frying pan, even if  she’s suddenly turned into a white-eyed freak, but once you watch her jab your aunt through the  hand with a shard of broken glass and tattoo your sister her own blood, you might want to smack her  with something a little more robust than a wooden chair, like the microwave, or my pers

onal  favorite, the toilet tank lid. Either way, we need to follow up with more blows, like a  lot more, and that means getting everyone in on the action. I mean, it’s only right  she go out surrounded by her family, ya know, as they all frantically bludgeon her  to death with various household appliances. Lucky for us, neighbor Gabe shows up  just in time to draw the aggro. Perfect. Now, time to barricade the front door  with pretty much everything inside the apartment and start working on that

bed sheet rope.  I’m thinking between all four of their beds, plus extras, throws, and guest sheets, we probably  still have enough to make it all the way down, but even if we can only get within twenty feet, Danny  can still crawl for help on broken legs. As for our friends in the hall, Jesus Christ,  I’m not even sure I can show what’s going down out there. Suffice it to say, if you’re seeing  a bunch of frolicking teacup pigs right now, then this proved way too hot for YouTube.  In that case

, I’ll keep this brief. So, basically… it’s like…. Hmmm. Have you ever  seen someone get their eyeball bitten out by an undead witch, only to then have that same  eyeball be launched like a missile down the throat of the victim’s son, thereby choking him  to death? It’s pretty much just like that. All I can say is it’s good thing  no one fired any gunshots just now. Otherwise, someone might have  had their feefee’s hurt. Oh, nope, never mind. Poor old fool. Everyone knows you can’t kill a demon

with a shotgun; you need  a Barrett. All the same, why would you close the distance after dumping that bee? Just take a  look around. It’s like Art the Clown came through here. Do you really think a normal person could  go around ripping people’s arms off? The only thing you’re going to accomplish by moving up like  that is putting her inside your reactionary gap, which is why Mr. Fonda caught a gruesome  death off screen like an absolute chump. Well, whatever. All that matters right now  is tha

t Ellie’s out there, and we’re in here, so we need to take the time to shore up our  defenses and improvise as many weapons as possible. Unfortunately, the best we can probably  hope for around here are a few kitchen knives taped to broom handles, and given she shrugged  off a center-mass spread of buckshot like it was nothing, I highly doubt those would get us  very far. In that case, our number 1 priority right now is to GTFO, which nobody seems  to be thinking about for some reason. Yes, I su

ppose it’s possible cell phone service  might return at any second, but there’s no way to know for sure, and even if it does, who knows  how many other disasters are currently in need of police attention? Once again, I think the  bedsheet rope is the move here. None of us are too grievously injured to make it impossible,  and we can have Kass climb on to someone’s back and go down first. We should also be sure to  barricade ourselves inside one of the interior rooms before anchoring the rope so

Ellie can’t  simply break in through the front door and cut us loose while we’re halfway there. Of course, this is all assuming someone doesn’t get us all killed by doing something  extremely stupid. Like opening the door for someone who looks like this. Mmm, somehow I doubt it. Actually, ya know what, she’s convinced  me. Go ahead and let her in, Kass. This was probably just one of those twenty-minute  possessions you read about online. Nope. I guess not. Dang, imagine seeing your mom viciously

attack your aunt and sister before fatally  mauling four more people just outside the door, and then letting her back inside while she’s still  covered in their blood. Okay, sure, Kass is just a wee one and all, but like, at least ask another  adult if she can come back in first. The good news is that this extremely painful experience will  hopefully serve to educate her going forward. That being said, I still think we should chain her up  to a big rock for the remainder of our time here just i

n case the lesson didn’t take. Jokes aside, this encounter does give us some valuable insight into the spirit driving  Ellie like a meat mech right now. It clearly has access to her memories as evidenced by it  bringing up Kass’s father to try and talk her way inside. This means it also probably knows  about any vulnerabilities in our defenses, such as thin walls in neighboring apartments  she could rip through, or even how to access the ventilation ducts. Wink, wink. All this is to say, it’s o

nly a matter of time before she gets inside, and considering what  happened last time, we really don’t want to be in here when that eventually happens. Oh, and just to make things worse, Bridget isn’t looking much better than her  mom right now. Evidently, that Davos Group diet isn’t agreeing with her. Not to mention the  fact she’s leaking some serious chocolate sauce right now. Yeah, maybe just, just tip your  head back, ya know, pinch your nose. Nah, what am I saying, chick’s a total goner. 

And, sure enough by the time Beth gets to her, she’s perched up on the counter working  on her MY STRANGE ADDICTION B-roll. Seems reasonable. Maybe wash it down with a little  antifreeze afterwards. Cleanse the pallet. Yeah, now’s the part where Beth needs to  call in Danny for the double team before she lets Ellie back in for a two on two. I  mean, I know team humanity doesn’t exactly have the best track record against these things  so far, but it’s either that, or they kill us, so we’re doing

it. Period. Knowing this, I gotta wonder why Danny would respond to the blood curdling  screams of his aunt getting cheese gratered without a weapon in his hands. Like, dude, what  on earth did you think it could possibly be. At least grab a desk lamp or something so you’re  not forced to immediately turn tail and run at the first sign of trouble. Luckily, there’s at  least one person in this family who recognizes a call to arms when she hears one. All right, Staffenie coming in clutch. Plus, n

ow we know we can actually put them down  with normal physical means. I guess it figures they’d be powerless without their brains. Mmm, on second thought, we probably shouldn’t count her out just yet. With everything we’ve seen  out of Ellie so far, this could just be a ruse meant to catch us off guard. In that case, I think  we all know what we need to do with her. What? No, you dumbfreak, throw  her out the god dang window! Obviously, she’s just going to break free  when you least expect it a

nd totally jack you up. At least if she somehow manages to peel  herself off the sidewalk Looney Toons style, it’ll probably take her a while to make it back  up here. Plus, while their wounds don’t seem to phase them that much, they don’t appear  to be healing back up either, and I can’t imagine a totally pulverized skeleton will do  wonders for Bridget’s hand to hand skills. And besides, if you’re holding out hope that  she can be changed back, I’d go ahead and toss that out the window right a

fter her. Safe to say  that even if whatever this is could be reversed, she probably wouldn’t be too happy with a  massive, gaping hole through her head. Of course, this brings up the fact we still have  no idea what’s going on, so it’s not necessarily the worst idea in the world to try and figure out  what we’re up against while we have some time to do so. To that end, Danny finally spills the beans  to Auntie Beth about the book he found under the garage. Still, I can’t decide whether I’d fire

  up the last of those vinyl’s or not. I mean, I guess it stands to reason that if the old  priest was able to record and label them, he might have made it out alive, but on the  other hand, he just as easily could have made album number three after joining the dark  side, and the last thing we need right now is Cthulhu rolling in to finish the job. Barring any knowledge of what happens next, let me know what you’d do down  in the comments. As for Beth, she decides to roll the dice and take a l

isten. Yeah, that’s pretty much the gist of it. Dude on the recording basically says he can’t find a way  to put down his possessed colleagues no matter how much he hacks them apart, although, I don’t  know about you, but I’d much rather be dealing with them in little bits than all in one piece.  I mean, they still have some degree of physical limitations, and if we could chop Bridget and  Ellie into twenty pieces each and bury each individual chunk inside its own ammo can, I don’t  see how they

could continue to be a problem. I dunno, maybe there’s something I'm missing  here. One thing’s for sure, however, the moment Beth heard the part about them being  unkillable, she should have hauled butt back to Danny and Kass before something easily  predictable happens. Otherwise, what, she’s just gonna stand there shutting out the entire world  while her nephew gets fileted two rooms over? And, there goes the marinade. Yumm.  Yeah, if you’re watching on YouTube, you’ll probably notice a lot

of black and white  from here on out. All I can say is that any fluid you see on screen going forward is, in fact,  delicious Hershey’s Syrup, and nothing else. Fortunately for Danny, the many years of  polluting his body with Axe body spray prepared him for this very moment, although  it seems the damage is already done. Regardless, this all probably could have been  avoided had Kass and Danny hung out next to Beth while she went over the record. What  possible reason could you have for splitti

ng up at that time? You already knew just  how hard it is to face them on your own, so why not stick together in case something  goes horribly wrong, like it literally just did. Besides, if I’m Beth, I’d definitely  want someone around to warn me in case my demon possessed older sister slithers down from  the ceiling to totally screw my day up. Really? You’re not even going to try to stick  her in the noggin, ya know, the only place on their bodies where your attacks have had any  kind of effect

so far? No wonder Ellie looked so disappointed back there. Oh, well, we all know  she’s not going to finish her off right away. No, like any good demon, she needs to take a few  seconds to act all spooky while her victim searches for something to stick her with.  And this time around, Beth knows just where to aim. Hyah! Scissors cuts paper, biotch! Nah, that doesn’t  work at all. Well, whatever. This is far from over anyway. At best we’ve bought ourselves a minute or  two to grab Kass and make

our escape, which is why we should waste exactly zero seconds answering her  wholly inappropriate questions about our family planning ambitions, especially since we don’t  actually have an exit to take right now. What we do have, however, is Mr. Fonda’s old  side-by-side, which I would immediately turn on that door to the fire escape like  we should have done about an hour ago, provided there aren’t any other high  value targets around, that is. Nice flinch, dead-eye, although it seems  to have

gotten the job done. In that case, how about instead of wasting a shotgun shell  delivering another blow she’ll almost certainly survive, why don’t we blast open the door  and make a run for it. After all, even if we managed to put Ellie down for good, we still have  Bridget and possibly even Danny to worry about, and speak of the devils, here they come now. I gotta say, I think Beth’s decision to get in the elevator here is totally batcrap.  I mean, sure, it clearly has power, but in no way doe

s it seem to be in working  order. And even if was, you gotta believe the freaks are just gonna jump on top and torture us  the entire way down. That said, once Kass removes the car keys jamming up the doors, there’s no  going back, so we’d better pray to everything out there this crate starts moving before they  finish forming Voltron. Otherwise, we’ve come all this way just to wind up a box lunch. And it looks like our prayers might have been answered, although definitely not in the way  I had

hoped. Still, all that Hershey’s syrup pooling up around us must weigh a ton, and it just  so happens this car’s only rated for 900 lbs. Yeah, no freaking way anyone’s living  through that, chocolate or no. But of course, if a couple squishy mortals can walk away from  that mess unscathed, you can be dang sure the spirit spider’s still right on their heels. However, it seems our little miracle streak doesn’t end there. Not only do we have a head  start on the creepy crawly, we also have a fully

functional Buick we can use to leave it in  the dust, and we don’t even have to crank on it fifty times to get it started. That means all we  have to do now is calmly drive up to the gate, open said gate, and then leave this mess for the  Doom Slayer. And yet, for some unknown reason, Beth decides to stop some thirty yards  from freedom as though she needs a running start to drive across perfectly  level ground, and wouldn’t you know it, she parked the drive tires directly on top of the  giant

crack that started it all. Awesome. Now because we’re so far away, we have to make a  mad dash from the creature just to have a chance at rolling under the wire at the last possible  second, and guess who comes up short: Oof. Well, tough luck, Squirt. I mean, they  just dragged her off towards a woodchipper, no way she’s coming back from that. Besides,  now she’s with her family again. See, look how happy Ellie is… holding that chainsaw. Ugh, all right, fine. We’ll go back and get her, but we’re

gonna have to do it quick. In that  case, we should move straight to the side of the tree truck where Kass is and swat the blades  away with the shotgun barrels. Afterwards we dump our last two shells into the limbs holding  the saw and yoink the girl away as we run like heck. That is pretty much the only way I  could see this actually working, and even then, it still sounds completely insane. So now let’s see what Beth comes up with. Well, she got some. Okay, let’s review all the reasons that

was dumb as heck. First of all, you’re firing with your  niece directly down range, and silhouetted against the truck like that you have no idea what you’re  even aiming at. What you do know is that you’ll be shooting Ellie in the back, which is likely to  push her forward, thereby driving the whirling blades of death directly into Kassie’s face. Oh,  and let’s not forget the way you perched yourself, needlessly I might add, on a narrow, uneven  surface, meaning you couldn’t simply side-step the

saw throw and go for a follow up shot. No, you  had to fall over backwards and crank off your last remaining shotgun shell into the ceiling. Now, as a direct result of this profound stupidity we’re being fed feet first into a roaring  woodchipper, and this is exactly where our story would end were it not for the fact Big  Bad seemingly forgot Kassie ever existed in the first place. Of course, I can’t dump all  over Beth’s massive mistakes without bringing up some of Ellie’s, and that list begin

s  and ends with one very important thing: you gave her a freaking chainsaw. Yeah, let’s see those pieces come back to get us. And with that, Beth and Kassie are finally free to leave this heap of a high rise once and for all,  and hopefully also LA, but we’ll take what we can get. Oh, and I guess Beth has a sort of last word  with her not sister before the finishing move, but it’s getting pretty gratuitous at this  point, so I’ll cut it off there. Seriously, if you want to know what she says, g

o watch  it yourself. It actually wasn’t half bad. In the end, only Beth and Kassie made it  out alive; however, had we recognized the severity of the situation right away, and let  Mr. Fonda clear a path to the fire escape, most, if not all of the neighbors could have made it  out before things got crazy. As for team Beth, Ellie was hosed the moment her son spun up that  record, and by extension, so was Bridget, but we could have still gotten Danny out by sticking  together and focusing on an e

xit strategy, not that he actually deserved it, though. Anyway, for those reasons, I think the EVIL DEAD RISE was Beaten. Moral of the story, when life hands you problems, throw them out the nearest  window and let someone else deal with them.