Ravaging Colombian sharks trying to up on ravaging
Colombian bears. Yes, it's real, it's stupid, it's brain damaging. Welcome to C*caine Shark.
The movie we didn't think we need and after watching it absolutely no we didn't need.
I'm here to take the brain damage as always so you don't have to. Welcome to how to beat
the ravaging sharks in C*caine Shark. Enjoy. Our movie, and I do use that term loosely,
begins at a pier side amusement park, where a drug dealer is bragging
to his client abou
t having stolen some good stuff from a rival kingpin,
Gaurisco, and he's willing to sell it. Well he probably should have kept this fact more
of a secret, as that boss's right hand man sneaks up and kidnaps the dealer via a plastic bag over
his face, and takes him back to the headquarters. Said headquarters is a high tech research
facility, where their lab has all the latest in CGI and green screen technology.
Including a shark tank cleverly disguised as just a TV monitor.
I know it looks li
ke that, but trust me, it's supposed to be a full-sized aquarium.
The staff isn't much better in terms of quality, as we see a highly trained professional
researcher doing science so hard that they forget how to wear their PPE properly.
Mask goes over the nose. Come on man. After interrogating the guy to confirm what
they already know, as well as finding out where the rival gang's stash is stored,
they forced the man to climb into the experimental shark tank at gunpoint.
He can't bring himsel
f to do it, so they give him some encouragement
with a bullet, causing him to fall in. At least I think so.
They may have just put a filter over the camera lens.
Regardless, this leads to some puppetry that Rivals that of Jim Henson studios,
as a shark puppet bites at the camera, followed by some screams and the water turning red.
I think they're suggesting the man was eaten. After this we get the opening credits, confirming
we are indeed watching the correct movie, even though there is a dis
tinct lack
of c*caine in the shark seen so far. Cut to 4 weeks earlier, one of the scientist
working for the drug lord explains through narration that they've created a new narcotic
using the glands of sharks called "HT25." What kinds of sharks specifically? They never say.
Just sharks. But by selling this compound, and by eliminating the competition through
force, Gaurisco has risen to power. The drug in question has powerful psychedelic
properties, and is enhanced with nanobot technology
to allow for biological enhancements.
It's supposed to be safe for human consumption, but something went wrong with their previous
test subjects, causing them to mutate. Basically they created the G-virus
leading to a Spider-Bat, a Man-Shark, and the deadly Crab-Shark, all
rendered in glorious CGI format. To make matters worse, a random explosion
happened at the lab, leading to our narrator scientist getting their face scarred, and
all the creatures escaping into the harbor. Not the directi
on I expected a
movie called "C*caine Shark" to go. We now focus on a man named Neil, who who
is currently tapped to a hospital bed, as the doctors there keep
him in a drug induced sleep. You'd think they'd use an IV drip for
this, designed to do this exact task, instead of having to give him another
injection every time he awakes. But you'd also would expect them to secure him
with something other than just masking tape, like leather straps, or duct tape at least, so
I guess this staff i
s working on a tight budget. This man is an undercover narcotics agent,
and we get to see how he ended up here himself those 4 weeks ago, as gets assigned to
infiltrate and take down the infamous Gaurisco. He begins this endeavor by getting in a good
word with the boss via paying off an underling to talk up his skills, and hopes to get hired
on his extra muscle for the kingpin's group. Unfortunately for this underling
though, shortly after the meet up, Man-Shark appears and quickly rubs som
e red finger
paint on his face, ending his entire career. That night, Neil meets up with Gaurisco and
his female companion, Persephone, whom the boss serves up to the man on a silver platter.
Apparently, he took a quick liking to Neil thanks to the high praises and
recommendations the underling gave, God rest him, and wants Persephone to make
sure he feels welcomed as one of the family. Which makes what they do together later on
a bit weird, but let's not dwell on that. We now move back ove
r to the narrator scientist
from before, who doesn't have any given name by the way to make explaining this any less
confusing, as he's getting a lift to the airport while carrying a conspicuous briefcase.
After the accident at the lab and the escape of the dangerous creatures, he wants out.
So he's taking his chemical compound and leaving to expose the whole ordeal to the cops, hoping
he can be granted immunity for whistleblowing, and to warn the public of the dangerous
threats lurking arou
nd the water's edge. Unfortunately, the man decided to take
an Uber instead of driving himself. And unbeknownst to him, Gaurisco
already suspected he might turn on them, so he put a hit out on his head.
The poor guy doesn't even realize this is the case the entire time he's being
driven the wrong direction, and even after they stop and steal the secret formula case.
The right hand man, named Jamie by the way, shows up to offer a hand as he knocks the
scientist out and stuffs him in the trunk
, where they leave him for now, only sparing
his life since the Uber driver doesn't want murder added to his RAP sheet. Well, I hope
he's seen our video on that subject at least. And on that note, let's look over things so far. Starting all the way back with our first
victim, the dealer held at gunpoint to climb into the so-called shark tank, he
should have at least attempted to escape. Sure it will be difficult while a
firearm is being threatened against us, but between the options given,
I'd
rather take my chances fighting against a single gunman then I would
guarantee him to become shark bait. As for the detective being held in a hospital bed,
they're doing a lousy job of taking care of him. There are no IV drips for his medication
as stated, let alone to keep him hydrated, or tube feeding to keep him fed.
We also discover they are letting him stew in his own filth, instead of
using catheters, bed pans, and so on. Well slight spoiler alert, but it's revealed
soon that the
hospital is owned by the drug lord, and they're mad at Neil after learning he was
an undercover agent that infiltrated them. That could explain the lack of proper
care, but also raises the question, why keep him alive at all?
And if they do need him alive for something, they should do a
better job of it, for everyone's sake. For the unnamed scientist, he really should have
just driven himself to the airport if possible. That or gotten a trusted friend to do it. Just someone other than a ran
dom driver that may
just possibly be on a powerful kingpin's payroll. But even if he was naive enough to not realize
this until it was too late, he should have realized something was wrong the moment the driver
took him in the wrong direction from the airport. At that point he should have
tucked and rolled out of the car, or gotten ready to defend himself or
run the second they stopped the vehicle. Hopefully he was smart enough to have some sort
of contingency plan for something like this,
by having a weapon on himself, a tracker
on the case, or a way for the information to be sent out remotely should he not be
around to enter a password on a device. Just something that would help his odds of
survival and exposing the evil organization. We now move our focus over to Neil,
who is busy getting deep undercover, and by that I mean under
the covers with Persephone. After their love making, she offers him some
of that sweet HT25, which we learn stands for Hai-Traum, that's German
for "Shark Dream."
An apt name considering that it makes you hallucinate that you're a shark dominating
over wildlife in the deep blue sea. They both take take a hit and totally
trip out for the next few hours. We now bizarrely cut over to a
new character out of nowhere. A woman taking a vacation on an isolated
island to rest her mind for a bit as she tries to overcome some past psychosis
problems she's been dealing with recently. This woman has no given name
as well, inconveniently, so w
e'll just call her "island lady."
As stated, island lady is dealing with some mental health issues, and as such
she doesn't believe her eyes when she sees a Crab-Shark swimming in the nearby waters.
Even though she has a picture of it for proof, she still can only believe it's a delusion
caused by her psychosis acting up again, as she doubles down on her
medication and ignores it. Hope that doesn't come back to bite her.
Literally, in this case. We now see the scientist again, as
he escapes
from the trunk of the car, making it look relatively easy I might add. Must have had a latch on the
inside for just such a situation. And thankfully, the scientist was smart enough
to place a tracker along with his secret formula in that stolen briefcase, and so uses that to
begin hunting it in the goons who stole it. Meanwhile at Neil's place, he's witnessing
accounts of horribly brutal animalistic murders on the news, and reports of local drug
dealers being taken out by force vigilante st
yle. But instead of being concerned for the
possible dangers or looking into how this relates to the criminal group
he specifically sent to shut down, he's too busy craving another hit of HT25 and
wanting to spend another evening with Persephone. This dude really needs to
get his priorities straight. Cut back over to the Uber driver and Jamie,
who have been assigned to take the briefcase to some operatives waiting on Cat Island.
Unfortunately not that famous one in Japan, but a local small
island off the coast.
Don't know why they don't just take it back to the main headquarters where the lab
is, but I'm sure Gaurisco has his reasons. However, when the men go to the meet up
location for the boat ride to the Island, they find the ship trashed and sinking,
with its captain being reduced to nothing but cheap Halloween props in CGI.
Guess one of those ravenous lab experiments we keep hearing about, but
not seeing much of, must have gotten him. They look for another means of travel
,
with the scientist hot on their trail. At this point, the scientist is doing more than
an actual officer at shutting the criminals down. Case in point, Neil is off spending time with
his lover and getting high on drugs once again. This time however, he has a bad trip, and hallucinates killing someone. Sure
hope that's not a sign of things to come. While he's busy recovering from that
experience, Persephone gets called into the lab, where Gaurisco tells her that Neil has
served his purpos
e and must be taken care of. Wait, what? The guy's done nothing but
get high and spend time with a woman. He even says as much himself, that
he hasn't done anything for the gang. What purpose could he have been used for, and why
does he have to be removed now all of a sudden? Well, maybe he's been used more than he's
realized, we'll come back to that later. For now, the plan is to lure him onto a boat
with no cell phones, and use him as a means to get Jamie and that Uber driver to Cat Islan
d.
Surprised they haven't just rented another vessel at this point and gotten there
already, but maybe they need to keep this trip on the down low to avoid police.
Regardless, let's look over things again here. Now I'm no expert, but I don't
think a narcotics agent is actually supposed to be doing narcotics themselves.
And why would you want to maybe to prove to? Other gang members that you're on their level?
But even with that in mind, if we're hired on his muscle, we could use that as a reas
on
to not take drugs that will mess with our performance physically and mentally.
And as an undercover agent, we'd absolutely want a clear head to keep our
story straight and not get our cover blown. And of course to be ready for any fight
or flight situations that could come up at a moment's notice if something
does go wrong with our operation. And all of this goes double when the
narcotic in question is new and experimental. As for that scientist, I know
tracking that case down is import
ant, but he's lucky to have escaped with his life.
He should take the opportunity given to him now that he's left alone and finally go to the police.
He should still have enough information and evidence to expose the operation and
gain immunity, and can leave it to the professionals to track the formula case down.
Going after it is risky, and what is he supposed to even accomplish once he finds them
without any sort of weapon, help, or plan? Speaking of plans, I'm not sure what
Gaurisco's eve
n is at this point. But he has stated that the missing
test subjects have been taken care of. Yet, we see that is clearly a lie, as
crab-shark at the very least is still at large. He really should have had a backup emergency
plan for if the creatures got loose. Some sort of kill switch that could have stopped the creatures remotely to prevent this
exact kind of disaster from happening. Now what that something is depends on the finances
and Technology available to him and his men. But if he
is as big of a kingpin as they make him
out to be, and his scientists can make a mutation serum, I'm sure he could have afforded tracker
chips, shock collars, or even remote explosive devices to be implanted in the beast to stop
them escaping or harming the wrong targets. But if he did, we wouldn't have
this movie to show for it of course. So Persephone goes through with the orders
given to her, as she takes Neil on a vacation. Didn't know gang members for
drug lords got paid time off. And
of course because it's a day off, that's
the perfect excuse to not have cell phones. Of course, you think as an undercover agent, Neil would have found a way to sneak some
sort of communication device with him. But when has this man ever been good at his job?
So Jamie and the Uber goon show up as planned, and hijack their boat at gunpoint,
forcing Neil to take them to the contact. On their way there though, Crab-Shark
reveals that he's in the area. Finally, something somewhat
interesting m
ight happen in this movie. The creature rams the boat, hard enough that
the crooks drop the briefcase into the water. Unwilling to take the dive themselves, they force
Neil to go in after it, so he does so reluctantly. After a relatively short amount of
time, he miraculously finds the case. Unfortunately for him, he also finds Crab-Shark
down there, and rushes back to the boat. He gets back on board and floors
it away as the beast gives chase. They rush to shore and make it to dry
land, wh
ere they think they're safe. But little do they know Crab-Shark can
scuttle out of the water after them. Here's where we should be seeing an
epic chase scene full of narrow escapes, maybe an attack or two narrowly missing people, and our main characters cleverly outwitting
the monster and the criminal pursuers. But come on, this is "C*caine Shark."
You think they have the budget for that? Instead we are told they escaped everything
off camera and made it back to the boat, while also stealing
the briefcase
in the process. How exciting. They ride the boat close to shore, just in
case they need to flee again in a hurry from another crustacean-fish attack, and head
down the waterway for a place to get help. Before they can find any sort of place
though, they are indeed attacked again. Can't blame them for being scared.
These visual effects are terrifying all right. They escape, off camera once again of course,
and are now on a small isolated island. They go to the nearest house fo
r help,
where we see this is the home of that random island girl dealing with
her psychosis that we saw before. They claim to have had a boat accident,
because I guess telling her about a Crab-Shark and some drug dealers would be
too unbelievable, and ask her for any help. She tells them that unfortunately this
is the only home on the entire island, and that she has no phone to let them
borrow, before closing the door on them. They're about to leave for the boat
again, but it's missing in
now, either sunken by the beast or stolen by
the dealers or their island contacts. Regardless of the reason why, with no way across
the water, they decide to investigate the island girl because she was acting a bit strangely.
Looking through the window confirms their suspicion, as Gaurisco himself is holding the
woman hostage, having had a weapon pressed against her while she was answering the door before.
Jeez, this woman has been through a lot. Now I'm not sure if they don't recognize
the
ir drug lord boss, as he is wearing a completely different out out here, so
maybe it's supposed to be like a disguise. Or, maybe they just plan on betraying him.
For Neil this would make sense, since he is a cop after all.
But as for Persephone going along with this, maybe she has fallen for the undercover agent
and doesn't care for her crime job anymore. Either way, their current plan now is to have
Persephone distract them at the door once more, while Neil sneaks in through the
back and ca
tches them off guard. After using a knife to pry open the
window, Neil sneaks in the back while Persephone knocks on the door once more,
desperately pleading for a bathroom to use. With Gaurisco's attention on that, Neil
presses a hairbrush handle against his back in a bluff to make him drop his
weapon, and it works. Pretty clever. So now they have the boss hostage
and are calling for backup, making sure to inform them to come by
helicopter and absolutely not by boat, leaving out the reaso
n as to why for
that in order to not sound crazy. Of course, Island Lady is excited to
learn that she is in fact not crazy, and that Crab-Shark does exist and can hurt her.
Don't think she should be throwing away her pills though, as this revelation doesn't change
the fact that they were working or not. Of course even more importantly, don't take your
eyes off of a threat you're holding at gunpoint. Don't know how both of them were
distracted long enough for this to work, but thankfully the
y are able to
regain control of the situation, and now have Gaurisco tied up to
prevent future escape attempts. We now get to see the Uber driver goon,
lost and separated from Jamie on the Island, when he's suddenly found and eaten by Crab-Shark. Not bad stop motion effects really.
If it was 1933 that is. While waiting for backup, Neil goes
back outside to retrieve the briefcase. However, the scientist has
somehow made it to the island, despite a Crab-Shark on the loose and guarding it, and
he has taken the case for himself now, as
that's still his ticket out of the organization. After an off camera chase,
the two return to the house. I guess, Neil finally informed the man
that he was a cop so he'd stop running? Well either way, now that they're
back, they find the women are tied up, Gaurisco is freed, and Jamie
is there to help him out. Looks like the thug got
here before the cops could. The scientist fleas once
again, with Jamie giving chase. Of course this chase is yet a
gain off camera,
with Neil informing us through narration that Jamie got the briefcase, but also had
a run in with the creature once more, and that it spit some sort of goop on his face.
That "goop" slowly finished him off, apparently acting as a massively delayed super acid
that kicks in with amazing dramatic timing, melting your entire body like one of the deadites
from the ending of the original Evil Dead. Actually, that's kind of an insult to
that movie and its special effects, which lo
ok much better than this film's
effects despite being made back in 1981. So now Gaurisco has the briefcase and
is high tailing it through the woods, with Neil and the scientist who's still
alive apparently, following close behind. They don't have to give chase for too
long however, as Gaurisco runs straight into the Crab-Shark and is quickly eaten alive.
Wow, they even just reused the same footage for the Uber driver getting eaten, which explains
why his puppet form was holding a briefcase
in that scene, since it was left over from here.
They couldn't even be bothered to remove that. Apparently, the drug lord doesn't sit too
well with the creature's stomach though, as Crab-Shark immediately
dies, explodes, and melts. Pretty much the same experience eating
too much Chipotle will cause you. The scientist is able to recover the formula,
and I guess turned it into the police, since the two of them are seen walking back to the island
home and waiting for backup to finally arrive.
But wait, how did Neil end up
in the hospital after all this? Well it's now revealed that the doctor
taking care of him, is actually Persephone. I guess, she kidnapped him
after everything was done. Turns out she knew he was an undercover
cop from day one, which probably wasn't helped by the fact that the idiot uses
his REALNAME for his undercover identity, and she was just distracting him from his work.
Not only that, but apparently giving him a special dose of HT25 that turns him
into t
o a Man-Shark, allowing him to naturally take out some witnesses.
Sure, okay movie, if you say so. And that's how the film just ends... All right
let's get this final review over with already. After having escaped Crab-Shark the first
time, they shouldn't have returned to the boat. Of course they're going to run into the
creature again, they're returning to its domain. And if they are going to use the boat, they
should immediately return to where they came from, instead of going further out
where
they're unsure if anyone can help or not. I'd rather rush to civilization
then to cautiously ride around isolated islands with drug dealers looking for me. And speaking of drug dealers giving
chase, just give them the briefcase! They're after that, not us as far as we know, so
just leave that for them to find and us to escape. Stealing it just puts a target on our backs.
Of course as an undercover cop, I'm sure that's some great evidence to collect.
But that also gives away the fact th
at we're a cop, defeating the purpose
of being undercover to begin with. If we are exposing ourselves
though and calling for backup, we should tie up our single hostage immediately. Not sure why they wait for something
to go wrong before doing this. And tied up or not, never take your
eyes off them until help arrives. Speaking of said help, telling them
to bring helicopters was smart, but where are those going to land?
There isn't exactly a helipad on the roof of Island Girl's place.
Also,
spare a few seconds to warn them of some kind of threat in the water.
Could always say there was something attacking boats without going full crazy
sounding by saying a Crab-Shark chased us. Well, in the end, I guess
the bad guys sort of won. Unless that scientist could actually
have gotten his evidence to the cops, the only one who knew what went down was
turned into a foam rubber shark costume. But if he had actually taken his job
seriously and followed procedure, and same goes for the sc
ience department, I
don't think any of this would have happened. Not sure what happened to
the other Man-Shark, or that Bat-Spider thing we never saw ever again.
But the worst part was the blatant false advertising of the title.
There was no shark high on drugs, just a man high on sharks...
But with the level of quality we got in this film, I'm sure c*caine was involved somewhere.
To everyone out there, don't do drugs, they can lead to poor decision making.
Let me know what you think. Thanks f
or watching, guys!
Binge another one and Peace Out!
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