How To Deal With A Breakup When Your Ex Comes Back

I'm Craig Kenneth a relationship coach and a  psychotherapist every relationship is different and every breakup is different work with me and  you'll get professional help on your situation and if you're in no contact focused on  personal growth my workbook series the knowledge will help you make changes like you've  never made before available now at askcraig.net hi there I'm coach Craig Kenneth and I'm coach  Victoria and in today's video we're going to be talking about how to deal with a brea

kup  when your ex suddenly returns many of you are praying for this moment yes and it always  shocks you when it happens it doesn't matter when it happens a lot of times you're like  I can't believe it it's when you're kind of least expecting it you just go to check your  phone and boom you got a message from them and you're going to be in a State of Shock and  you've got to stay calm because many people will get so excited and overwhelmed they completely  forget about all the strategies all the

ideas we talk about and they just bombard their ex with  messages and it completely turns them off oh yeah it touches something inside of you to where you  were hoping for this this whole time and finally finally you get what you want and it can cause you  to completely forget everything that you've worked on because of your excitement yep so you've got to  stay calm and you gotta kind of slow things down because you know sometimes when an X comes back  it's kind of like a gradual return you're

texting here and there and you know you're working towards  like seeing how it's gonna go but sometimes particularly if your ex is insecure they will  feel that massive amount of anxiety themselves and kind of bombard you and surprise you and all of a  sudden like they're afraid of losing you like you were at the breakup now the roles are reversed and  they're gonna overwhelm you and they're gonna come on really strong and they're gonna bombard you and  you can get really swept up in it and you

've got to stay centered if you're really gonna turn this  around in a healthy way right and that's usually really what we see when we see a more anxious X or  an X with a more anxious attachment style is that something inside of them gets triggered and then  suddenly they are reconsidering things very fast so this does happen and we want you to be prepared  for it now if you yourself are more avoidant also be prepared to have that feeling of  excitement at first but then you might you might not

expect this but that feeling to want to  distance might come up soon after too well it's what's interesting is that anger will come up all  of a sudden oh yeah because you're like now all the space and the anxiety that you're feeling  is kind of gone of will I ever hear from them again and now this anger comes up with I can't  believe you did this to me right I can't believe you put me through all of this waiting all of this  heartbreak and you expect me to just come back and reunite so easily

you know resentment can build  during a breakup and it's so important for you guys to pause evaluate how you're feeling process  the hurt of the breakup that's right because a lot of times what happens is okay you get back into  this relationship but then you're bringing up the fact that they broke up with you for months on  end yeah and it's just gonna spiral out of control because they're gonna come from a place of I kind  of I felt like I needed to do it at the time and I love you and I want

to fix this and you keep  bringing that up how are we going to fix this now when you're obsessed about that how badly it  hurt you or that I was able to do it to you in the first place yeah and it's important that you  process these feelings so that you're not robbing yourself of the opportunity of reconnecting with  your ex if that is what you wanted if that is what you want you know it's kind of like a kid when  a kid is screaming and crying for an ice cream or something and they are so upset

and you get  to the point where you do give them what they're asking for they're too mad to even consider  it they're like get that get that corn out of my face now get that ice cream out of my face  yeah because they're so upset from the hurt it's irrational they're just so irrationally hurt and  angry that they can't see things clearly that now they've got what they want right and yeah and so  what happens sometimes is that they come back and now you don't feel this imbalance of power anymore 

maybe you even feel like oh now I don't want you anymore well that's not healthy I mean if you're  you know coming from that place that's about you and that's not really a healthy place to be oh  yeah and our egos can get so wrapped up in it too so you know being in a position to where you're  dumb do you feel rejected to now your ex is coming back you're thinking oh well I'm gonna let you  suffer a little bit sometimes we can get kind of cynical when we've been through some hurt  yeah yeah you

want to get revenge yeah yeah but you know we're really focused on trying  to help you guys have something healthy and you know obviously if you were in an abusive  or toxic relationship we're not pushing you to heal that or even necessarily forgive that person  I I saw a comment the other day that somebody was like well I don't think you should be so nice  to every single person or somebody that's been toxic or abusive I'm like when did we ever say  you should I know we in fact if you watch me

doing a lot of email coachings how I get mad when  somebody's being mistreated you do right and it's authentic because I don't want to see people  mistreated so no we don't want you to take somebody back if they were toxic and abusive and  they're going to continue to do it and a lot of our videos are General so remember that a lot of  times when we're talking about relationships some things don't apply if there is physical emotional  verbal abuse going on you know we do have some hard boundari

es we always say protect yourself and  take everything that we say into consideration so if your ex does come back don't be Petty right  don't be like oh well now the shoe's on the other foot I mean you don't really want to come  from that place especially if this is somebody you supposedly care about right because that's  really why you want them back isn't it because it's somebody you care about and want to have a  healthy relationship with if you're just doing it for Revenge you know living y

our best life is  the best way to do that you know so don't take them coming back for granted because they could  come back and explore things with you and then say you know what I don't like the way you're  handling this I think you're being immature uh you're bringing up things that aren't really  important and you know what I'm done with this so you want to handle it slowly carefully and put  yourself on probation and put the relationship on probation like can we repair this in a way that  wi

ll both be happy and it makes sense for both of us anything less than that is just being like  Petty and wanting Revenge yeah yeah and sometimes we see you guys trying to get your ex to admit  to something okay we want I want my ex to admit that they're avoidant I want them to admit that  they were wrong about all these things that I reflected about and analyzed for the past couple  months you know you have to come from this place of humbleness when you're reconnecting and not  from this place o

f I Told You So I was right you were wrong yeah yeah because chances are you're  probably both right about certain things and maybe both wrong about certain things right and  so understanding that there are probably things that you didn't see that you did wrong or to hurt  them and things that they did wrong and they don't see it so showing empathy and understanding  is really critical to try and repair things and and trying to get to a place where you're  trying to figure out what what they fel

t what they were experiencing why they might  have left what their valid points are yeah yeah it's important to hear their side of  things too and sure there might be mistakes in the relationship which they may need to address  but right now your focus is on reconnecting rebuilding that attraction and enjoying the fact  that you know the both of you are interested in starting something up again you know later on  down the line there might be some more important conversations that might need to b

e had but try  to be as present and consistent as possible this is what's really important so just because you  did manage to get your ex back or interested or talking to them again it does not mean that  the work is done for you and please don't be deceived into thinking that that's the case yeah  you know many of you are like things are going well I don't really need to read up on this  stuff anymore I don't really need to reflect on my life anymore journal or doing those things  that keep you

r mental health maintained and not a good place you know that that couldn't be farther  from the truth you need to continue those things you need to show them that you are consistent  with this chain and that this wasn't just a quick fix to get them back oh yeah back to your  old ways because they're going to be suspicious they're going to be suspicious that that's what  you're saying and doing all these things and rightfully so yeah if they've been with you for  years and you've been exhibiting

these certain behaviors they're going to think you're gonna  do those things again yeah and you also have to consider that things might actually be harder  now that you're back together things might be more difficult because you are being triggered  again as in being in a relationship you know Margaret used to always say you don't know what  your issues are until someone tries to love you and that just stuck with me I think we'll stick  with me so when you're putting yourself back into relation

ship you are putting yourself back at risk  so keep up whatever it takes to keep you balanced yeah it's not easy to do because now after a  breakup there's a lot of hurt there's a lot of anger now there's other people that know the whole  situation your friends and family are chiming in oh you're just gonna take it back after everything  they put you through you know what I mean makes it tough it makes it tough and you're like  oh yeah you're right and then next thing you know you're in another

breakup and you're thinking  oh what did I do yeah so you gotta take things very slowly and not get overwhelmed by your  emotions right right and another thing that can help is detaching yourself from the outcome  many of you end up getting back with an X and then in your mind you think okay the outcome is  we're together forever they're not going to leave me and you've told me about countless calls and  which people have said I didn't think that they would leave again since we already broke up

once  do not take your partner for granted continue the work and remember that if it happened once it can  happen again not to scare you or to threaten you but in fact to motivate you yep you know this  is something Moment by moment that we want to make sure is healthy that we want to make sure is  an addition to your life the repairing is fragile okay it's not this magical thing where all the  problems are gone no now you're gonna have to at some point communicate with them now right  away you

don't want to start talking about all the issues right away because it overwhelms  people but at some point you're gonna have to communicate how you felt they're gonna have to  communicate how they felt you're going to have to understand each other and I highly recommend you  do these things in person spending time together one big mistake is the texting I see so many  people get so excited by their ex texting them and reaching out there's a giant texting war going  on right it just it completel

y falls apart because very little of what we're trying to communicate  is given through a text message you know it's not you can't hear the person's tone you can't see  the person what they might be feeling you're not going to be as empathetic towards them it's just  going to be about barraging them with how you feel and what you want yeah yeah there's so much of  our communication that is through body language and so meeting in person having that eye to eye  contact having our bodies be close t

o each other picking up on their pheromones okay I'm going deep  into this but there's a lot to do in person yeah there is a lot to it and it's much more conducive  to a healthy relationship to start back up in a slow way in a very intentional and peaceful  way than to try to create all these Sparks again and make it be really passionate and very  intense and then for it to go out like a match yeah yeah and you know little things can make a  huge difference please understand little things are wh

at makes the difference between the people  that hear from their ex and turn it around and the people that get emotional blow up the other  person's phone get angry at them lash out at them um try and force things all those things are just  gonna squash the connection and scare the person off again yeah and when thing to consider is  that it might be your ex that is instigating or wanting to text constantly or wanting to  connect and be passionate and very intense in the beginning you have to sh

ow that emotional  self-control to say you know what I'm actually interested in something you know more long-term  maybe more serious if that is your case and saying let's slow things down here you know if  if you find that your ex is trying to go zero to a hundred so yeah there's a lot and obviously  we're talking about generalized things that we see here and so obviously each situation is  very unique and very different and you know we'll be happy to talk about those things with  you in a coac

hing call that's why we do this so hopefully you've appreciated the stuff that we  shared in this video and if you want to get a coaching with us one-on-one you could do that on  my website askcraig.net I do email coaching and I do Skype and Victoria does Skype coaching  I'm here whenever you're ready to talk just click on her name on the top of the website to  schedule a call with her but that's it for the this video I'm coach Craig Kenneth and I'm coach  Victoria and we will talk with you soon

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