“I Smoke Weed, and I Watch Nature Shows” - Greer Barnes - Full Special

from New York City Comedy Central presents rear barns [Applause] wow that was nice how y'all doing what y'all scared what happened [Applause] so anyway I was in the park last night chasing this white guy and you guys aren't too fast but you run a really long time I would have had to have been Canyon to catch this cat run right next to him what type of shoes are those foreign [Applause] [Laughter] [Applause] sometimes a lot every day and I'll tell you [Music] I really don't see the downside to ma

rijuana doctors say like well if you smoke marijuana it's known to cause you to forget things maybe some of us guys we need to forget marijuana is also known to increase your appetite you mean the munchies like brothers of smoking joints getting the munchies and going out trying to stick up Keebler Elf houses see a bunch of Brothers in the Parks harassing trees yo I know you in you in little Alpha man just tell us which tree y'all make the cookies in oh check them over trees [Applause] I took th

e train down here earlier tonight and you know how they can just randomly search you so I have my knapsack on and I'm high so you know I was a little nervous and this office is like excuse me sir may I see your Snapchat please you know whenever I get nervous I try to be funny sometimes it don't work out so this office is like excuse me man I'm gonna see your knapsack so what took my knapsack off and I went like this he ain't like that [Applause] and then you get on the train and you hear that ri

diculous this is a message from the MTA be on the lookout for a suspicious looking packages and or activities if you see something don't do anything tell someone like a police officer or an MTA employee really an MTA employee you mean like that brother over there messing with the trash you know okay hey man this is suspicious looking package over there thank you yeah I know I saw it [Applause] go talk to that lady in the booth hey lady in the booth there's a suspicious looking package over there

what's up [Applause] be on the lookout for a suspicious looking activities I live on 144th Street 8th Avenue Harlem okay I see a lot of stuff that could be considered suspicious looking like yesterday I walked outside of my building and I saw two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping pong no that's so suspicious looking activity [Applause] the ping pong [Applause] I better alert the authorities hello officer yeah I see two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping pong let me get this right you see

two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping pong we'll send this guy right away [Applause] foreign cops on horses last night like six of them just walking towards a brother my first thought was Plantation I don't know why I was expecting one of them to say something to me where are you going boy so I can just look at them nowhere sir Mr Lincoln says I was free [Applause] hey fellas your girlfriend ever asked you a question to just make you go what a couple nights ago I'm in the belt my girlfriend

just got to finish having sex we sweating because we don't have no air conditioner [Applause] and we're sitting there smoking a joint and she looks at me and she goes baby [Music] what would you do right if we woke up tomorrow and I had your penis and you had my vagina [Applause] what what would you do I wouldn't let you screw me one time my girlfriend asked me she was like baby if your penis could talk right what would it say what what would it say [Music] I'm going to take this opportunity to

speak on behalf of all men on this mud ball we call Earth if our penis could talk it would probably say something like touch me that's it that's it I'm going outside to get some cake touch me touch me with the cake [Applause] foreign if the vagina could talk do you know what it would say we've been this relationship three and a half years I looked like our tour wasn't going up and on the same thing wouldn't be too hard to stick together [Music] [Applause] all right you guys have fun man I know

so I sit home a lot and I watch um nature shows that's what I do I smoke weed and watch nature shows you know and I was watching one episode they were talking about the bees now this the The Plight that the bees are going through on on the planet right now is like really serious she's my French like these bees are dying by the hundreds of thousands and uh all over the world and then this narrator said that if all the bees on the planet died that the birds would be next and then us and I'm sittin

g here with my boy and I'm like we gotta save the bees I feel you Mondo cause I like honey in my tea you feel me then the narrow the narrator went on to say um the European bees are much more Kinder gentler bee as opposed to the Africanized bee which is a much more aggressive hostile being really just gonna try to sneak racism into the bug world [Applause] like European bees are just floating around like [Music] so what are we going to do today [Applause] [Music] I don't know maybe we can pollin

ate that flower [Music] look at the sun yes I love it [Applause] like the African bees in his beehive like who are we going to stay today [Applause] and you know I I don't know how I come up with this stuff sometimes like like I think crazy stuff you know I mean like like okay like on my way down here I I said to myself I wish I could fly and then I thought about it and I was like if I can fly like I'd I'd probably get arrested yeah I mean like I'd be flying along somewhere and somebody been fly

ing hello officer yeah I just saw a black guy fly by my window um no he didn't have a basketball [Applause] I wanted to be an astronaut when I was younger and then I just was like hey it's cheaper to smoke weed we still get the space I still get the space baby I always wanted to be the first man to make contact with another alien race you know I mean land on their planet walk up to him yo my dude what's good [Music] oh now I'm human from the planet Earth see that blue ball way out there yeah tha

t's where I'm from Google [Music] now we ain't got no green people but it's cool [Music] well we'll probably call you at first but I was in Australia went scuba diving I see some of y'all looking at me like brothers don't swim bringing me out I don't know how to swim my Dive Master was like don't worry about it he'll be fine okay we hopped on this boat and went so far out that we couldn't even see the shoreline anymore boat comes to a stop getting dressed putting on our lead weight belt and flip

pers and goggles and air tank checking the line in the water can't talk on the water so you gotta learn all these signals like let's go up let's go down stop being too cool I'm paraphrasing I'm okay out of air low on air wetsuit too tight you gotta fix that you gotta get out your butt don't want no wetsuit in the butt you gotta take shark that's important you see this none of this out of here that's it let's let's get to built let's do it no more it was interesting scuba diving I remember the fi

rst fish I saw I could have sworn he took a double take at me like what the [ __ ] foreign to my Dive Master led me to a cave 50 feet underwater we're floating outside this cave and he looks over at me and he's like foreign [Laughter] [Applause] all right [Laughter] back [Applause] I got on the train earlier tonight and uh these young black kids were looking at me like they're overheard them saying look at my man got on Shane douche don't swear man I'm sitting there trying to cover up my toes gr

own ass man then this old Jamaican dude walked on with a little mustache like this and I overheard the cake look at this mom yeah got the heat off and that old Jamaican man looked at him and said what you said this is a big fan of Charlie Chaplin man here see come here yeah I'm here that is such a stupid joke oh man ah wish I had one of them cool European accents because that's how you get the chicks you can walk up to them and say anything telling me something what type of panties are you weari

ng get away from me tell me they're blue [Applause] I like that take them off get away from me off I can't believe yeah I had one of them cool European accents you can't be American hey girl what kind of drawers you got on catch the wall sexual harassment hey man I think that's my time you guys have been great laughs [Music] [Music]