Ineffably Tangled | A Good Omens Podfic Audio Drama

[SCENE 1: A LONELY ANGEL] [HEAVEN] [V.O] Calling all angels. Prepare to board for Earth in 3 minutes. AN ANGEL WALKS UP A FEW FLIGHTS OF STAIRS BEFORE FALLING. HE’S BEEN KNOCKED OVER BY TWO OTHER ANGELS] [ANGEL 1] Hey there, Aziraphale. [ANGEL 2] Going somewhere? [ANGEL 1] Obviously not. Too timid, the boss said. [ANGEL 2] Too clumsy. [AZIRAPHALE] Hello to you, too. [ANGEL 2] How long has it been? 3,000 years? [AZIRAPHALE] ….What? [ANGEL 1] 5,000. Since he’s seen anything. Have fun being Gabriel

’s pet. [THE ANGEL STEPS ON HIS HAND]. It won’t last forever. [AZIRAPHALE WALKS AWAY INTO HIS OFFICE. THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND HIM AS THE LIFT IS HEARD FROM OUTSIDE. HE BEGINS TO CRY] [SCENE 2: THREE DEMONS] [THE GROUND RUMBLES. THREE DEMONS RISE UP FROM THE GROUND, LIGUR, HASTUR, AND CRAWLEY] [CROWLEY] Remind me again why we’re here? [LIGUR] Do you ever listen? [HASTUR] We’ve been ordered by the Legion to tempt a couple of shopkeepers. [CROWLEY] Okay, nice. Tempt them into what? [HASTUR] ….Sin. [

LIGUR] It’s official, he never listens. [CROWLEY] [gasps in offence] It’s not that, it’s just- what’s the point, the poor buggers ain’t even doing anything, we might as well leave them be. [HASTUR] Oh, but it’s better than that. We tempt them into sin and then we kill them. We kill them dead. [LIGUR] Concrete plan if you ask me. [CROWLEY] Um…why? [HASTUR] ‘’Why?’’ [LIGUR] Crawley, wake up! The promotions we could get. If we send these two up to our master immediately, we’ll be getting gold stars

! [THEY BOTH LAUGH] [CROWLEY] Right. Gotcha. But isn’t the whole point to…wait? [LIGUR] Usually. [HASTUR] But orders are orders. [CROWLEY] Surely, we don’t have to kill em though. I mean that’s just pathetic- [HASTUR] ‘’Pathetic’’, is quickly getting souls for our master?! [LIGUR] ‘’Pathetic’’ is getting promoted?! [CROWLEY] …You know what, you’re right. Go on ahead, do what must be done, all that. [HASTUR] You’re coming with us. [CROWLEY] …What? [HASTUR] You’re the cleanest of the lot, why do y

ou think we brought you? [CROWLEY] Well uh…th- [HASTUR] Don’t thank us! Who do you think you are? [CROWLEY] Your partner. In this oddly comedic predicament. [sigh] I’m following you. [HASTUR] Atta boy. [LIGUR] [chuckles] [SCENE 3: GABRIEL] [HEAVEN- AZIRAPHALE IS OUTSIDE GABRIEL’S DOOR. HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND KNOCKS] [GABRIEL] What?! [AZIRAPHALE OPENS THE DOOR] [AZIRAPHALE] Apologies, Gabriel. It’s only me. [GABRIEL] Oh! [laughs] Aziraphale! How’s my favourite man, huh? Have a seat, what’s up

, what’s all the gossip? Does your hair look different? You’ve done something with it, haven’t you? I can tell when one of my best changes his style! [AZIRAPHALE] [nervously chuckles] No, no intended changes here. [GABRIEL] Well, you should do something with it, it looks terrible. [THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE] [GABRIEL] I’m kidding! [laughs] [AZIRAPHALE] [awkwardly laughs] So, Gabriel, there is something I really need to talk to you about- [GABRIEL] Well, obviously. I assume that’s why you’re he

re, you wouldn’t wanna waste anybody’s time would you? [chuckles] [AZIRAPHALE] N-no! Of course not- [GABRIEL] With the way they treat you. And I do see the way they treat you. Awful. [AZIRAPHALE] Yes, well, that is precisely what I wanted to talk about today. You see it’s come to my attention that- [GABRIEL] Aziraphale, you know you’ll always be my favourite. Don’t tell them that, but you really do shine brighter than any other angel in Heaven. Well, except for myself [laughs]. [THERE IS AGAIN–

AWKWARD SILENCE] [GABRIEL] I’m kidding [laughs] [AZIRAPHALE] Gabriel?! [GABRIEL] Yes? [AZIRAPHALE] It has come to my attention that other angels have been to Earth. But…but you never told me that. [GABRIEL] Now, where did you hear this? Oh, some angels can make up such disgusting rumours, can’t they? [AZIRAPHALE] I don’t think they lied, Gabriel. Why would you? [GABRIEL] Silly Aziraphale! [laughs] Every angel has their time, yours just hasn’t come yet. Trust me, I tell every angel the same story

. [AZIRAPHALE] Well- well why isn’t it my time? It’s been 5,700 years. Don’t you think I’m ready? [GABRIEL] Oh, Aziraphale. [AZIRAPHALE] I want to see the Earth, Gabriel! Not just from a hologram, but in person! I want to see everything. [GABRIEL] Aziraphale, you’ve always been so curious. You have no reason to go to Earth, not yet. You will be notified when the time is right. [AZIRAPHALE] But I- [GABRIEL] Besides, you’re the best angel I have. If something were to happen to you- [AZIRAPHALE] No

thing would happen to me! I can look after myself. [GABRIEL] You’re fragile, you’re weak, you wouldn’t be able to handle it out there. [AZIRAPHALE] Just one job, I promise- [GABRIEL] But I’m here to help you. Trust me, okay? [AZIRAPHALE] Yes, Gabriel. [GABRIEL] Now off you go. [AZIRAPHALE] But- [GABRIEL] These papers aren’t gonna write themselves! [THE DOOR SLAMS. AZIRAPHALE IS LEFT ALONE TO PONDER] [SCENE 4: CROWLEY REBELS] [HASTUR, LIGUR AND CRAWLEY ARE NOW AT THEIR DESIRED LOCATION. IT IS LAT

E AT NIGHT] [CROWLEY] Guys…people, hey! Question! [LIGUR] What? [CROWLEY] What did the order…actually say? [LIGUR] Why? [HASTUR] What does that matter? Let’s go! [CROWLEY] Well, it’s just that…it didn’t order us to kill the poor lads, did it? It just ordered us to tempt em. [LIGUR] You keep saying ‘’poor lads’’ as if it’s genuinely true. [CROWLEY] Well, it’s just…aw come on, the world’s a different place now. [LIGUR] Well, downstairs isn’t. [HASTUR] Are you questioning our methods? [CROWLEY] ….Y

es. [LIGUR] Excuse me? [CROWLEY] Even if the order did call for murder, I wouldn’t do it. It’s insane. [HASTUR] Yes, exactly. [HASTUR AND LIGUR CHUCKLE] [CROWLEY] Tell your Master I said hi. And that I’m done. [HASTUR PINS CRAWLEY TO THE GROUND] [HASTUR] If you ever think you can go against Hell like this, you’ve got another thing coming! [CRAWLEY TRANSFORMS INTO A SNAKE AND SLITHERS AWAY FROM HASTUR. HE THEN TRANSFORMS BACK AND RUNS AWAY] [HASTUR] Gah! CRAWLEY! [CRAWLEY RUNS AND RUNS- TO WHERE?

HE DOESN’T KNOW] [SCENE 5: HEAVENLY MEETING] [300 YEARS LATER- CRAWLEY HAS BEEN A FREE AGENT AND RESIDING ON EARTH SINCE HE REBELLED. HE WALKS INTO HIS EMPTY APARTMENT AND PULLS UP A HOLOGRAM] [CROWLEY] Oh, you beautiful planet. Please keep me safe. [HE SCROLLS THROUGH THE HOLOGRAM. HE SEES EARTH, HELL, AND HEAVEN] [CROWLEY] Heaven. I don’t miss you either. [A LIFT FORMS AROUND CRAWLEY] [A.I VOICE] Transporting to Heaven [CROWLEY] No! No, no, no, no! [REPEATADLY PRESSES THE CANCEL BUTTON AND TR

IES TO GET OUT] No Heaven, no Heaven! GAHHHHHHHHHHH! [MEANWHILE IN HEAVEN- AZIRAPHALE IS SAT ALONE IN HIS OFFICE, SPINNING AN EARTH GLOBE] [AZIRAPHALE] [sighs] [CROWLEY] —-GAHHHH! Oof! [CRAWLEY GROANS] [CROWLEY] Where- [AZIRAPHALE PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE IN FRIGHT, KNOCKING HIM OUT] [AZIRAPHALE] Oh, no, no, no! What have I done? Oh, you poor thing, I’m sorry. Oh…. [AZIRAPHALE REALISES HE DOESN’T RECOGNISE THIS ANGEL. HE TURNS ON A LIGHT AND NOTICES A SNAKE TATTOO. THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT AN ANGEL

] [GABRIEL KNOCKS ON AZIRAPHALE’S DOOR] [GABRIEL] Aziraphale! May I have a word? [AZIRAPHALE] [gasp] One-one moment, Gabriel! [AZIRAPHALE DRAGS CRAWLEY’S UNCONSCIOUS BODY UNDER HIS DESK, REALISES THIS WON’T DO AND MIRACLES UP A CLOSET] [GABRIEL] I don’t have all day, Aziraphale! [AZIRAPHALE] Sorry Gabriel, just cleaning up in here! [GABRIEL SUDDENLY OPENS THE DOOR. AZIRAPHALE GASPS] [GABRIEL] Aziraphale! Sorry for barging in, I just want to discuss this week’s paperwork. [THE CLOSET OPENS SLIGHT

LY, AZIRAPHALE SLAMS IT SHUT] [GABRIEL] Michael and- what are you doing? [AZIRAPHALE] Oh nothing, just fixing up the place. [GABRIEL] Is that a new…closet? [AZIRAPHALE] No! No, I’ve always had this [nervously laughs] Haven’t you noticed? [GABRIEL] Right…well, while Michael is gone to Earth for their yearly visit, I wanted to- [AZIRAPHALE] Oh, could I…could I talk to you about that? [GABRIEL] If you must, Aziraphale, but make it quick, I’m a busy man [laughs] [AZIRAPHALE] [nervously laughs] Right

well, the thing is, I think I’m ready. [GABRIEL] Aziraphale, we spoke about this 300 years ago, you are not ready. [AZIRAPHALE] But Gabriel, you see, you think I’m not strong enough to handle Earth, but- [GABRIEL] Oh Aziraphale, I know you’re not strong enough to handle Earth. [AZIRAPHALE] But if you just- [GABRIEL] Aziraphale, your time will come. [AZIRAPHALE] Gabriel, I think it has! [GABRIEL] Not now, Aziraphale. [AZIRAPHALE] But I- [GABRIEL] Aziraphale. [AZIRAPHALE] Gabriel, please- [GABRIE

L] AZIRAPHALE, ENOUGH! YOU ARE NOT LEAVING HEAVEN! EVER! [AZIRAPHALE] ….What? [GABRIEL] You’re not leaving Heaven. Our most valuable asset? I mean, we’d have to be insane. [AZIRAPHALE] And everyone else gets to? [GABRIEL] No one else is as special as you….and isn’t that wonderful? [AZIRAPHALE] I-I suppose it is, but- [GABRIEL] But, nothing. When you stay here, everything is in order. What would we do without you, huh? Did you need anything else? [AZIRAPHALE] Um..no. No, that’s about all. [GABRIE

L] Alright. I’ll be very busy for the next few days. But do call if you need anything. [AZIRAPHALE] Will do. [GABRIEL] [laughs] Goodbye now! [THE DOOR CLOSES. AZIRAPHALE THEN RUSHES TO OPEN UP THE CLOSET. CRAWLEY FALLS OUT [CROWLEY] Sssss-so. Playing the big cards, huh? [AZIRAPHALE GASPS AND KNOCKS HIM OUT AGAIN. HE WAKES UP MIRACLED TO A CHAIR] [CROWLEY] [gasp] Huh? Oh…oh for God’s…for Satan’s…for somebody’s sake, what- [AZIRAPHALE] STAY YOUR HAND, DEMON! [CROWLEY] [screams] What the-MFFF! [AZI

RAPHALE] Not another word. I know why you’re here, and I’m not afraid of you. [CROWLEY] What- [AZIRAPHALE] You’re a demon, right? A vile, blasphemous- [CROWLEY] Well, look, listen…technically, I a-HNGH! [AZIRAPHALE] [grabs Crawley by the collar] Technically? [CROWLEY] [clears throat] Look I- [AZIRAPHALE] Who are you, and how did you get here? [CROWLEY] Listen, honest to….someone, have no idea. I was at home, opened up my earth replica, and one thing led to another, I don’t-[gasp] [AZIRAPHALE] Yo

u have an Earth replica? So you are a demon? [CROWLEY] No, I’m an angel. [AZIRAPHALE] So why have I never seen you around here? [CROWLEY] Sarcasm. [AZIRAPHALE] Ah…very good, actually. [CROWLEY] Thank you. [AZIRAPHALE] …Ugh! Any other of your demon crew around here? [CROWLEY] Right, listen, angel- [AZIRAPHALE] Aziraphale. [CROWLEY] Whatever. I haven’t been in Hell in years- wait…where are my glasses? [AZIRAPHALE] I’ve hidden them. Somewhere you will never find them. [CRAWLEY LOOKS AROUND] [CROWLE

Y] It’s in that very obviously miracled closet, isn’t it? [AZIRAPHALE KNOCKS CRAWLEY OUT AGAIN] [CROWLEY] Ugh, honestly angel, aren’t you all anti-violence round here? [AZIRAPHALE] Now they’re hidden where you’ll never find them. [CROWLEY] Oh wow. [AZIRAPHALE] So, what do you want with Heaven? To take over? [CROWLEY] What? [AZIRAPHALE] To turn it unholy? [CROWLEY] What, no! Listen the only thing I want to do with Heaven is to get out of it, now! [AZIRAPHALE] You…you don’t want to bring sin into

Heaven? [CROWLEY] And why would I wanna do that? [AZIRAPHALE] You’re a demon. [CROWLEY] Whatever, who cares? [AZIRAPHALE] I do! [CROWLEY] Listen, all I want from you, or any other angel in this dump, is to be let go. Who’s in on this with you? [AZIRAPHALE] N-Nobody. [CROWLEY] Seriously? Why? [AZIRAPHALE] I just…never thought to tell anyone. [CROWLEY] Right well, if you can send me on my way, that’d be brilliant, thank you! Also if I could have my glasses back, that’d be lovely. [AZIRAPHALE SIGHS

, GIVES HIM HIS GLASSES BACK AND LETS HIM OUT] [AZIRAPHALE] And don’t you ever-! [AZIRAPHALE LOOKS. HE’S GONE] [AZIRAPHALE] …Come back. Hm. [SCENE 6: THE DEAL] [THE NEXT DAY- AZIRAPHALE AGAIN WALKS UP THE SAME FLIGHT OF STAIRS HE DID IN THE FIRST SCENE. THE DOOR SLAMS IN AZIRAPHALE’S OFFICE. HIS HEAD IS BEHIND HIS HANDS- A FIGURE APPEARS] [CROWLEY] Boo! [AZIRAPHALE] G-AAHHH! [CROWLEY] Hi, hello, sorry, it’s the demon from last night. If you wouldn’t mind, and if you haven’t already, could you no

t tell anyone about that? It’s just that I’m already in enough trouble with my own lot or…well anyway, I just…don’t wanna be dealing with..further…accusations, look, it was an accident, I’m out of your way now, sorry angel. Good luck! [AZIRAPHALE] Wait! What’s your name? [CROWLEY] My name? Why? [AZIRAPHALE] I did ask nicely. [CROWLEY] No, you didn’t. Besides, you’re probably just gonna blab. [AZIRAPHALE] I won’t. I won’t. [CROWLEY] So why do you wanna know? [sigh] Crawley. The name’s Crawley. [A

ZIRAPHALE] What’s your ranking? [CROWLEY] Don’t have one. [AZIRAPHALE] You don’t have one? [CROWLEY] Look, I mean it, I left Hell a long time ago. [AZIRAPHALE] So where do you reside? [CROWLEY] Earth. [AZIRAPHALE] Earth? As in…the Planet Earth? [CROWLEY] Uh…yeah. Demons go too, you know. [AZIRAPHALE] But you just…permanently live there? [CROWLEY] Pretty much, yeah. I go to other planets for holidays but- [AZIRAPHALE] What’s it like down there? [CROWLEY] Very funny. [AZIRAPHALE] Wha- it’s not a j

oke! [CROWLEY] Oh come on, you’ve obviously been, every blasted angel’s had the privilege at least once. [AZIRAPHALE] That’s what I thought too. But not me. [CROWLEY] Wow. Why? [AZIRAPHALE] Ugh, I don’t know why I’m even telling you! It’s none of a demon’s business. [CROWLEY] Yeah, alright. [he begins to walk away] [AZIRAPHALE] But hang on! You’ve been…you live there. You must know everything. [CROWLEY] Okay…what’s your point? [AZIRAPHALE] [sigh] Demon Crawley. [CROWLEY] Just Crawley. [AZIRAPHAL

E] Crawley. I’m prepared to offer you a deal. [CROWLEY] Ohoho, okay, now it’s getting good! A deal with a demon? [AZIRAPHALE] Reluctantly, yes. You, Demon Crawley, shall act as my guide, tour me around planet Earth and return me back to Heaven safely, then. And only then, will I keep your secret. They will never know you were here. That is my deal. [CROWLEY] Yeah. No can do, I’m afraid. I’m hiding on Earth, angel, there’s still a chance they can track me, I’m bringing you on no such tour. [AZIRA

PHALE] Something brought you here, Demon Crawley. Call it what you will. Fate, destiny. [CROWLEY] An earth replica? [AZIRAPHALE] So I have made the decision to trust you. [CROWLEY] A terrible decision on your part, mate. [AZIRAPHALE] But trust me when I tell you this. [grabs Crawley by the collar]. You can detest all you like, but if you do, they’ll find you and everyone will know you were here, including downstairs. [CROWLEY] Right, right, right. Let me get this straight. I give you some ‘’magi

cal’’ tour of Earth, bring you back here, and you won’t tell your bosses I was here? [AZIRAPHALE] It’s a promise. [CRAWLEY LOOKS IN DISAGREEMENT] [AZIRAPHALE] I’m an angel. And angels do not break promises. Ever. [CROWLEY] Heh. Debatable. [AZIRAPHALE] Please… [CROWLEY] Fine, I’ll give you your ‘’tour around Earth’’. [AZIRAPHALE] Really? [CROWLEY] Don’t push it. [SCENE 7: EARTH] [THE EARTH REPLICA IS TURNED ON. IT STARTS TO GLOW] [CROWLEY] Right. You ready? [AZIRAPHALE] I- [CROWLEY] Hold onto som

ething- not my hand. [AZIRAPHALE GRABS ONTO HIS DESK. THE LIFT FORMS AROUND THEM] [AZIRAPHALE] [yelps] [A.I VOICE] Transporting to Earth [AZIRAPHALE] Wait, wait! Hang on! [CROWLEY] [chuckles] Changing your mind? ‘Cause, we could go back. [AZIRAPHALE] Whaaaat is happeniiiiing?! [THEY BOTH LAND ON EARTH. THEY FALL ONTO GRASS. AZIRAPHALE GROANS AS CRAWLEY IMMEDIATELY GETS UP] [CROWLEY] Here we are. You getting up or what? [AZIRAPHALE GROANS AND NOTICES THE FEELING OF GRASS. HE OPENS HIS EYES AND GA

SPS. HE LAUGHS AND BEGINS TO ROLL AROUND IN IT] [CROWLEY] Here we go. [AZIRAPHALE] This is Earth! It’s so beautiful! [gasp] What is that? [CROWLEY] Called a butterfly. [AZIRAPHALE] It’s got wings! Like me! [AZIRAPHALE LETS OUT HIS WINGS] [CROWLEY] GAAAH- no! Don’t show them off here! [AZIRAPHALE] Oh…why not? [CROWLEY] It’s uh…it’s all a bit too complicated for humans, okay? So, put them away and act like a human. [AZIRAPHALE] Alright. [clears throat]. I am Mr. Fell, I like earning money and spen

ding it like there’s no- [CROWLEY] No! No, no, no, no. Act. Natural. [AZIRAPHALE] Alright, alright. Whatever that means. So this is Earth…and I’ve left Heaven. For the first time. [CROWLEY] Yep. [AZIRAPHALE] I’ve left Heaven for the first time. [CROWLEY] Yes, as we’ve established. [AZIRAPHALE] I have left Heaven for the first time! [laughs]. Oh no! Gabriel will be furious! [WE THEN CUT TO A MONTAGE OF AZIRAPHALE GOING THROUGH MOOD SWINGS FOR THE FIRST TIME] [AZIRAPHALE] It’s fine, it’s fine, it’

s honestly alright. What he doesn’t know won’t make him discorporate. [AZIRAPHALE] Crawley, Crawley, look at that bird! I’ve never seen one like it! [AZIRAPHALE] What sort of an angel am I? That’s it. I’m going back, take me back! [AZIRAPHALE] I’ve changed my mind, Crawley! Lead the way! [CROWLEY] We’ve been in the same spot for 9 HOURS! [AZIRAPHALE] I am a terrible, terrible, excuse for an angel. [AZIRAPHALE] THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! [laughs] [AZIRAPHALE IS NOW SAT IN A CORNER, CRYING.

CRAWLEY WALKS OVER AWKWARDLY AND CLEARS HIS THROAT] [CROWLEY] Ooh. Angel, you know, I can’t help but notice you seem a bit conflicted about everything here. [AZIRAPHALE] I…I mean- [CROWLEY] I mean look, I may be reading into it but let’s do that. The only angel who’s never been to Earth, forbidden journey, the trouble you could get into! [AZIRAPHALE] [bursts into tears again] [CROWLEY] No, no, wait, don’t- don’t do that, ugh, hold on. Look. Every angel got to do this but you. You are an angel yo

urself, so now it’s your go. Think of it that way. [AZIRAPHALE] [sniffs] Should I really? [CROWLEY] Yeah, ‘course! You’re overthinking this to hell and back! No pun intended. Does Gabriel deserve this? Debatable but probably not. Would this break his heart and crush his soul? If he’s got one- Sure. But you deserve this just as much as every other angel! [AZIRAPHALE] Break…break his heart? [CROWLEY] Oh yeah, in half. [AZIRAPHALE] Crush his soul? [CROWLEY] Like a grape. [AZIRAPHALE] Oh, but he wou

ld be heartbroken. You’re absolutely right. [CROWLEY] Yeah…’course I am. [sigh] Oh god. Tell you what, I hate to do this but, deal’s off. [AZIRAPHALE] W-What? [CROWLEY] Hey look, don’t thank me. Let’s just get you back to Heaven, it’s easy. I’ll get up the replica and you can- [AZIRAPHALE] No! I’m already here, there’s no point in turning back now! [CROWLEY] Oh, for- really? All this just to keep a dodgy little secret? [AZIRAPHALE] A secret that is yours. It’s your reputation on the line. And I

do recall making a promise to you. [CROWLEY] Ugh fine. You hungry? [AZIRAPHALE] Hungry? [CROWLEY] You’ve never eaten human food before, have you? [AZIRAPHALE] N-No. [CROWLEY] Oh, are you in for a treat, I know the best place! [AZIRAPHALE] Where might that be? [CROWLEY] [chuckles] I’ll show you. [AZIRAPHALE] Woah! [SCENE 8: A MISSING ANGEL] [GABRIEL IS IN AN UNKNOWN LOCATION IN HEAVEN. HE IS ON THE PHONE TO URIEL] [GABRIEL] [chuckles] Yes, yes, and has Aziraphale been completing the paperwork? [U

RIEL] You mention Aziraphale, but I haven’t seen him at all today. [GABRIEL] That’s…odd, he usually comes out of his office every morning. [URIEL] Not today. [GABRIEL] Did you speak with him at all before I left? [URIEL] No. Did you? [GABRIEL] Yes, it was rather uncomfortable. He wouldn’t stop blabbing on about wanting to…Aziraphale….AZIRAPHALE! [URIEL] Gabriel? [GABRIEL] Uriel, go to Aziraphale’s office! [URIEL] 0 What? [GABRIEL] Go to Aziraphale’s office! Look for him everywhere, that is an or

der! [URIEL RUSHES TO AZIRAPHALE’S OFFICE AND KNOCKS ON IT] [URIEL] Aziraphale? Are you in there? Aziraphale?! [URIEL MIRACLES THEMSELVES IN AND TEARS THE PLACE APART. THEY SPOT THE EARTH REPLICA ON THE DESK. THERE IS NO TRACE OF HIM. THEY THEN RUSH BACK OUTSIDE] [URIEL] Have you seen this angel? Have you seen him? Has anyone seen Aziraphale?! [URIEL REALISES AZIRAPHALE IS NO LONGER IN HEAVEN AND CALLS GABRIEL] [URIEL] He’s gone. No, he’s just gone! So what are you gonna do? [SCENE 9: NINA AND M

AGGIE] [CRAWLEY AND AZIRAPHALE GET OFF OF A BUS. AZIRAPHALE IS DELIGHTED] [AZIRAPHALE] A moving vehicle! On Earth! Wow, I didn’t think they would be this advanced! [CROWLEY] Yep. [AZIRAPHALE] Other humans were on there too…why weren’t they talking? And why were they staring at me as if I were a mad man? [CROWLEY] You don’t talk to strangers, number one rule. They’re not your friends. [AZIRAPHALE] Why not? [CROWLEY] Believe it or not angel, not everyone can be trusted. [AZIRAPHALE] Surely not. [C

ROWLEY] Surely yes, I’m right. Humans are complicated. Vile at times. No better than a demon. Why do you think there’s so many? [AZIRAPHALE] Well, if that’s so true, prove it! [CROWLEY] Sorry? [AZIRAPHALE] I’d like to meet one, perhaps spend the day with one. [CROWLEY] ….Would you? That’s brilliant, ‘cause I happen to know the perfect gal. Come on! [CUT TO THE NEXT SCENE- WE’RE IN NINA’S CAFE. CRAWLEY HAS ASKED NINA TO KEEP HIM COMPANY WHILE HE SNEAKS AWAY] [NINA] No. No, I’m not taking him. [CR

OWLEY] He just wants a little tour of the place, it’ll only take a couple hours. [AZIRAPHALE] A couple of hours?! No, I want to see everything! I’d also like to try some human food. [CROWLEY] [sighs] [NINA] What do you want me to do with him?! [CROWLEY] Look, he’s mental, okay? I can’t help it, neither can he. I can’t keep him. Besides you owe me one from April. [NINA] [sigh] Fine. But you owe me one back. [CROWLEY] Thank you, thank you, you’re my new favourite person, you know that? [NINA] Shut

up, and get out. [CROWLEY] Right. Will do. See you, angel. [HE LEAVES] [NINA] Weirdo. Wanna help out at the cash register? [AZIRAPHALE] What’s a ‘’cash register’’? [NINA] Ugh. [A FEW HOURS LATER, CRAWLEY STROLLS INTO MAGGIE’S RECORD SHOP] [CROWLEY] [whistles] Maggie, sweetheart, have you got any- oh… [AZIRAPHALE IS STANDING NEXT TO MAGGIE. HE GIVES CRAWLEY A KNOWING LOOK] [MAGGIE] Mr. Crawley! Have you met Mr. Fell? He’s such a darling, he’s been helping me out with new orders. [CROWLEY] [throu

gh gritted teeth] No. Never seen him in my life. [MAGGIE] Well, you two should get to know one another. I’m on my lunch break now, so I’m heading out. Could you two look after the place? [CROWLEY] Yep. Can do. [MAGGIE] Thank you, Mr. Crawley, you’re an angel. [CROWLEY] Well… [MAGGIE LEAVES. AZIRAPHALE AND CRAWLEY ARE ALONE] [AZIRAPHALE] Well. Look who decided to show his face. [CROWLEY] Angel- [AZIRAPHALE] Oh wait, that was an accident. [CROWLEY] [sigh] [AZIRAPHALE] I knew I couldn’t trust you!

[CROWLEY] I never claimed that you could. [AZIRAPHALE] Palming me off to a human stranger, so you can run away? Classy for an ‘’ex-demon’’. [CROWLEY] I never claimed to be an ‘’ex-demon’’. I’m just a…runaway. [AZIRAPHALE] Oh, what’s the difference, it’s in your blood! [CROWLEY] Oh! Oh, is it? I suppose you won’t be needing me then. [AZIRAPHALE] I suppose I won’t! [CROWLEY] Go! Explore the Earth, find your way without me! [AZIRAPHALE] I- [THE DOOR SUDDENLY SLAMS OPEN. CRAWLEY RECOGNISES THE TWO F

ACES AND PULLS AZIRAPHALE UNDER THE DESK] [HASTUR] Crawley? [LIGUR] Crawley? [CROWLEY] No, no no, no, no, no, no! [AZIRAPHALE] W-Who are they- MMFF!? [CRAWLEY COVERS AZIRAPHALE’S MOUTH] [CROWLEY] SHHH! [HASTUR] We know you’re in there… [CROWLEY] How? [LIGUR] It’s been 300 years. We only want a little word with you. [CROWLEY] Quick, sneak around! [AZIRAPHALE AND CROWLEY CRAWL AROUND MAGGIE’S DESK AND OUT THE BACKDOOR. LIGUR AND HASTUR ARE NONE THE WISER] [MEANWHILE GABRIEL HAS BEEN WATCHING. HE C

ALLS URIEL] [GABRIEL] I’ve found him. He’s in the human city of Soho. London. He’s with the demon Crawley. Looks like he’s still active. No, I’m not lying, angels do not lie, Uriel. Besides. I’d recognize that face anywhere. Now I just need to know where that tunnel lets out. [SCENE 10: A DEMONIC CHASE] [AZIRAPHALE AND CROWLEY ARE SITTING OUTSIDE. THERE IS AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE] [CROWLEY] Sorry…about that. [AZIRAPHALE] No you’re not. Who are they? [CROWLEY] Uh… [AZIRAPHALE] Well, they’re obvi

ously demons. [CROWLEY] What do you mean? [AZIRAPHALE] I mean, did you see the state of them? [CROWLEY] Thanks. [AZIRAPHALE] …No, not you, ugh! [CROWLEY] It’s fine. It’s a joke. [AZIRAPHALE] Ah. I’ll try to catch on next time…so, Crawley. Do you know them? [CROWLEY] No, not really. Besides, I wouldn’t tell you, no offence. I don’t like telling people about my history. [AZIRAPHALE] I’m not exactly, people. I’m an- [CROWLEY] You’re an angel. Which is why I’m treading on thin ice. But… [AZIRAPHALE]

What? [CROWLEY] I’m becoming increasingly curious. [AZIRAPHALE] Of course you are. [CROWLEY] To know about your predicament. [AZIRAPHALE] How do you mean? [CROWLEY] Well, as we’ve established, every other angel in Heaven has been on Earth. What makes you any different? [AZIRAPHALE] That’s the thing, I… [A ROCK FALLS BENEATH AZIRAPHALE. THE GROUND BEGINS TO SHAKE] [AZIRAPHALE] Um…Crawley? [HE SEES LIGUR AND HASTUR COME UP FROM THE GROUND] [AZIRAPHALE] Crawley?! [HASTUR] We’ve found you, Crawley!

[LIGUR] [laughs] [CROWLEY] Go. Go! [THEY RUN ACROSS THE STREET IN A PANIC AS THE GROUND CONTINUES TO SHAKE] [AZIRAPHALE] Okay! I know you’re lying, who are they? [CROWLEY] Okay yeah, I lied, they were my…buddies, not really- work partners, back when I was still working for Hell. They are who I’m hiding from. [AZIRAPHALE] I’m sorry I know you told me not to, but- [CROWLEY] Angel! [AZIRAPHALE GETS HIS WINGS OUT AND FLIES TO THE OTHER END OF THE STREET] [AZIRAPHALE] Crawley! Fly across! [CRAWLEY G

OES TO DO SO AND GETS PULLED DOWN BY HASTUR] [CROWLEY] GAH! [HASTUR] Nice to see you, Crawley. We’ve been after you for a while. [HE PINS CRAWLEY DOWN BY THE HEAD] [CROWLEY] Aw for Satan’s sake, Hastur. You’ve really done it this time, haven’t you? [HASTUR] You’re coming back with us! [AZIRAPHALE] Crawley! Fly now! [HASTUR] You…slithering… SNAKE! [CROWLEY] Thanks for the reminder, Hastur! [CROWLEY SLITHERS AWAY FROM HASTUR AS HE DID ALL THEM YEARS AGO, THEN FLIES AWAY. HE’S NOT LOOKING WHERE HE’

S GOING HOWEVER] [CROWLEY] Ha! You know what the humans say to those like you? So long, suckaaa- oof!...[sigh] [AZIRAPHALE] Oh, Crawley. [LIGUR KICKS CROWLEY INTO THE NEAREST SEWER SYSTEM. AZIRAPHALE BLINDLY FOLLOWS TO TRY AND HELP CROWLEY] [AZIRAPHALE] Where are we?! [CROWLEY] What are you doing in here? [tries to get out] Why didn’t you..stay behind?! [AZIRAPHALE] I had to help you! [CROWLEY] Oh funny, ‘cause you hated me five minutes ago! [AZIRAPHALE] No, I did not! I could never hate anyone!

[CROWLEY] Oh, lovely! [AZIRAPHALE] Now let’s get out. [CROWLEY] We need to find another way. If we go out the same way we came in, they’ll track us. [THEY SWIM UNTIL THE END POINT. WHERE IT’S BLOCKED. THEY TURN BACK AROUND AND FIND THAT HASTUR AND LIGUR HAVE BLOCKED THE MAIN ENTRANCE OUT] [AZIRAPHALE] Oh! Oh, this is all your fault! [CROWLEY] [scoffs] My fault? [AZIRAPHALE] You’re the one with fellow demons after you, you’re the one that went rogue! [CROWLEY] What, and would you rather I be lik

e every other demon? [EVERYTHING GOES SILENT] [CROWLEY] They would have caught us eventually. You’re on the run too, remember? And what happens if the angels find you? What then? [AZIRAPHALE] I’m sorry, Crawley. For whatever reason you left. [CROWLEY] Crowley. [AZIRAPHALE] What? [CROWLEY] My real name is, Crowley. Crawley just..wasn’t really doing it for me. [AZIRAPHALE] [chuckles softly] Well I never. [CROWLEY] [chuckles softly] This is only because you don’t have a miracle strong enough to get

us out. [AZIRAPHALE] I can do miracles. [CROWLEY] Yeah but it would hardly be strong enough [AZIRAPHALE] Of course it wouldn’t. [CROWLEY] What if we did one together? [AZIRAPHALE] Absolutely not! [CROWLEY] Aziraphale! It’s our only way out. You’re on Earth now, we have to try! Half a miracle each, makes one! Just to get us out of here! [AZIRAPHALE] ….How?! [CROWLEY] Let’s swim back to the other end, miracle a doorway, something! [AZIRAPHALE] Alright. Just this once. Take my hand. [THEY SWIM BAC

K TO THE OTHER END AND MIRACLE THEMSELVES A DOORWAY. THEY LAND ON THE GRASS, HANDS STILL INTWINED. THEY QUICKLY LET GO] [CROWLEY] So…a demon…and an angel…can do a miracle together. Oh Satan! [AZIRAPHALE] It was your idea. [CROWLEY] I didn’t think it would actually work! They’ll kill you upstairs! [AZIRAPHALE] Oh, God. They will, won’t they? Oh no..what now? [CROWLEY] We stay on the down low. We tell no one. [AZIRAPHALE] Oh… [SCENE 11: GABRIEL’S DEAL] [GABRIEL IS ON EARTH HIDING BEHIND A STREET C

ORNER. HASTUR AND LIGUR ARE HEARD COUGHING. HE NOTICES] [HASTUR] I’ll kill him! I’ll kill that little runt! [LIGUR] I knew he was here! I just knew it! [HASTUR] After all this time, we’ve found the X on the map! Come on. [GABRIEL] Or! Perhaps you want to stop acting like the animals you are and think for a second. [HASTUR] [chuckles] [LIGUR] Well, if it isn’t the Archangel Gabriel. [TO HASTUR] Kill him. [GABRIEL] Hang on, hang on! What if I’m to make a deal with you pathetic little sinners? An e

xchange, perhaps? [HASTUR] What kind of a deal do you think we’d make with The Supreme Archangel of Heaven? [GABRIEL] Well, I think you’ll find we share something, you and I. A hatred for the Demon Crawley. [SCENE 12: CAMPFIRE] [CROWLEY] Right. Here’s your map, a torch, a bag, some money. Is that everything? [AZIRAPHALE] Yes, I think so. [CROWLEY] Right then. I’ll be on my way. Cheers mate. [AZIRAPHALE] Wait! Thank you. For everything. Crowley. [CROWLEY] You promise to keep your lips sealed, yea

h? [AZIRAPHALE] Of course. Where will you go, now? [CROWLEY] What do you mean? [AZIRAPHALE] Well, the two demons are after you. They’ll likely track your location. How will you keep a low profile? [CROWLEY] I’ll figure it out. See you around, angel. [CROWLEY GOES TO WALK AWAY. HE STOPS] [AZIRAPHALE] Are you alright? [CROWLEY] I just..realised, you don’t have access to a replica here. You’re gonna need my help with that. [AZIRAPHALE] Oh, well, not to worry. You can just give me the location, I’ll

find you. [CROWLEY] Right. [sigh] [AZIRAPHALE] You don’t want to leave, do you? [CROWLEY] [sigh] Shut up. [AZIRAPHALE] You don’t want to leave me! [CROWLEY] Well, you know what, you’ve been good company. Just one night will do. [AZIRAPHALE] That is so sweet- [CROWLEY] I am not sweet. [AZIRAPHALE] If you say so. [THERE IS SILENCE] [AZIRAPHALE] Oh, Crowley, you’ve cut yourself! [CROWLEY] I’m fine. [AZIRAPHALE] No, hang on. I can miracle it away! [CROWLEY] [sigh] Alright. [AZIRAPHALE MIRACLES AWAY

CROWLEY’S CUT] [AZIRAPHALE] There. No more pain. [CROWLEY] …Th-Thanks. [THERE IS SILENCE AGAIN] [CROWLEY] Look I know you were hesitant before, and you really don’t have to tell me if you’re uncomfortable but, why is this your first time out here? [AZIRAPHALE] I don’t know. Gabriel always said, I was too ‘’special’’ ‘’too important’’. He didn’t want to risk anything happening to me. But I feel like there’s a bigger story there. There has to be. But I don’t want to doubt Gabriel. He cares about

me, more than any other angel, more than anyone in the universe actually. I’m lonely, the other angels they don’t… [CROWLEY] They don’t get you? [AZIRAPHALE LOOKS AT CROWLEY SHOCKED] [CROWLEY] That’s how I felt…in Hell. Would you go back to Heaven after this? [AZIRAPHALE] …No! Yes..maybe I will, I don’t..I don’t know yet. [CROWLEY] Hey. It’s okay. Look. Sorry I tried to ditch you. You’re not bad for an angel. [AZIRAPHALE] [chuckles]. Alright. Your turn now. [CROWLEY] What? [AZIRAPHALE] Tell me y

our story. [CROWLEY] …I- [AZIRAPHALE] Only if you want to! I-I’m sorry I didn’t- [CROWLEY] No, no, it’s alright. It’s only you, I can..[sigh]. I was never like other demons, not really. My version of a good sin was maybe cutting all the telephone lines off or, pulling a good prank. Ligur and Hastur are the demons you saw today. I worked with them. On our last job, we were ordered to tempt two innocent shopkeepers in order to preserve their souls for Satan. Once they’d been tempted, that was thei

r ticket to Hell. All was fine with me, you know, standard procedure, and all that, until I realised the next step was to kill them soon after, instead of waiting. I was against it. And I ran away. 300 years, I’ve been here now. [AZIRAPHALE] So…that’s why you call yourself a runaway? [CROWLEY] Yeah. Nothing else to be called really, it’s- [AZIRAPHALE] Crowley. You did good that day. [CROWLEY] Woah, woah hey. That is a no word, you got that? I have a reputation to uphold. [AZIRAPHALE] Ah well, I

wouldn’t want to do that. [CROWLEY] No [smiles]. Well, I think we should light a fire. [AZIRAPHALE] W-Why?! [CROWLEY] Well, we should at least appear normal. Someone could walk by. Unless, you wanna go back to my place? [AZIRAPHALE] No. I like it out here. I want to keep adventuring. [CROWLEY] Okay. [CROWLEY LIGHTS A FIRE WITH TWO STICKS] [AZIRAPHALE] [gasp] [CROWLEY] Woah, hey. It’s not Hellfire. It can’t kill you. [AZIRAPHALE] You’re really not like other demons, are you? [CROWLEY] And you’re

not like other angels. [AZIRAPHALE] …Also. Just so you know, I prefer Crowley. [CROWLEY] Hmm. Thanks, angel. I’m gonna go get some more wood. Be back shortly. [CROWLEY GOES AWAY TO GET SOME MORE WOOD. AZIRAPHALE WATCHES WITH A SMITTEN SMILE AS HE GOES] [GABRIEL] Good Lord! I thought he’d never leave. [AZIRAPHALE] Gabriel?! [GABRIEL] Hello Aziraphale. [AZIRAPHALE] But- I don’t….I don’t understand, how did you find me here? [GABRIEL] Oh! It was incredibly easy. Just listened for the sound of compl

ete and utter betrayal and followed that. [AZIRAPHALE] [sigh] Look, Gabriel, I- [GABRIEL] We’re going back to Heaven, Aziraphale, now! [AZIRAPHALE] No, no, wait, you don’t understand! I’ve been on an incredible journey. I’ve seen so much, I’ve learned so much and I…I met someone. [GABRIEL] Yes, the Demon Crawley, I’m so proud. Let’s go! [AZIRAPHALE] Gabriel, hang on! I…I think he might like me. [GABRIEL] Like you?! He’s a demon, Aziraphale. He’s cold and full of bloodlust, you can’t trust him! [

AZIRAPHALE] But he’s not, he’s- [GABRIEL] Different? Please, Aziraphale! It’s a trap. It always is. [AZIRAPHALE] Gabriel. I was afraid too. But if you just get to know him- [GABRIEL] Aziraphale- [AZIRAPHALE] He’s kind, and he’s gentle, and he’s sweet. Underneath it all, he-...he’s not like other demons. [GABRIEL] ….Do you like him? [AZIRAPHALE] Well, I- [GABRIEL] Oh Aziraphale, this was exactly it. This is why you couldn’t leave, you’re too naive! You’re being tricked! You’re being tempted! [AZI

RAPHALE] Alright. [GABRIEL] ‘’Alright’’? [AZIRAPHALE] Let’s find out. If I get one inclination that he is as bad as you say he is, I’ll call you. I’ll come home. But for now, he has yet to prove me wrong. [GABRIEL] Heh. Fine. Don’t say I told you so, Aziraphale! ALL DEMONS ARE THE SAME! [GABRIEL DISAPPEARS INTO THE NIGHT. AZIRAPHALE IS LEFT SHELLSHOCKED] [CROWLEY] (from afar) Hey angel! Question. [AZIRAPHALE] [quietly gasps] [CROWLEY] Do you think a miracle performed by an angel and a demon woul

d be noticed by the offices because that’s not uh- [AZIRAPHALE] It was half a miracle. [CROWLEY] Each-... are you alright? [AZIRAPHALE] Y-Yes! Yes. I’m sorry. Lost in thought, I suppose. [CROWLEY] Okay. I’m not worried about it or anything, I was just wondering because maybe…I don’t know. [THE DIALOGUE FADES OUT] [MEANWHILE GABRIEL, LIGUR AND HASTUR ARE SEEN HIDING BEHIND A BUSH, WATCHING THE DUO] [GABRIEL] Ah, ah. Patience, you two. All good things to those who wait. [SCENE 13: BONDING] [AZIRAP

HALE AND CROWLEY WAKE UP THE NEXT MORNING. THEY ARE BOTH VERY HAPPY] [AZIRAPHALE] Good Morning, Crowley. [CROWLEY] You fell asleep. [AZIRAPHALE] So I did. What of it? [CROWLEY] I just didn’t think you had it in you. [AZIRAPHALE] Listen. You don’t have to stay with me anymore. [CROWLEY] Eh. [sigh] I’d like to. [AZIRAPHALE] Really? [CROWLEY] Honestly. [AZIRAPHALE] You’re a demon. You could be lying. [CROWLEY] Yeah you’re right, I could be, but. What if I’m not? Let me prove you wrong. [AZIRAPHALE]

[softly smiles] So where should we go now? [CROWLEY] Everywhere. [SCENE 14: MONTAGE] [A MONTAGE FOLLOWS OF CROWLEY AND AZIRAPHALE GOING TO MANY DIFFERENT PLACES AROUND THE WORLD AND TRYING MANY DIFFERENT THINGS] [AZIRAPHALE AND CROWLEY WALK OUTSIDE OF A STORE AND LAUGH] [CROWLEY] I still owe you a bite of human food, don’t I? [AZIRAPHALE] [gasp] Yes! [CROWLEY] Angel, you…you have to pay. [AZIRAPHALE] Oh no! My apologies! [AZIRAPHALE] Teacups? [CROWLEY] No [chuckles] No, they’re for kids, angel,

you can’t- [AZIRAPHALE] See you in a bit! [CROWLEY] Ugh! [CROWLEY WATCHES HIM GO AND LOOKS SMITTEN. HE SHAKES IT OFF AND LOOKS HORRIFIED] [CROWLEY] Oh, Satan! [LATER, CROWLEY SHOWS AZIRAPHALE A LIBRARY. HE GASPS AND PICKS OUT A TON OF BOOKS, SPENDING HOURS READING THEM] [LATER ON, AZIRAPHALE IS TRYING ON A NEW OUTFIT. HE SOON COMES OUT WITH A SUIT] [AZIRAPHALE] No, no, no. Aha! I’ve got it! [CROWLEY] You sure? [AZIRAPHALE] Yes! [THE CURTAIN DRAWS BACK TO REVEAL HIM IN HIS NEW SUIT. CROWLEY THIN

KS HE LOOKS HANDSOME BUT HIDES IT] [CROWLEY] Tartan, really? [AZIRAPHALE] I find it stylish! [CROWLEY] You know there’s one thing we haven’t done yet? [AZIRAPHALE] And what would that be? [CROWLEY SPREADS HIS WINGS] [AZIRAPHALE] No, no, Crowley, CROWLEY! But you said-!? [CROWLEY FLIES UP INTO THE SKY] [AZIRAPHALE] What are you doing? [CROWLEY] (from up high) What are you waiting for? Come on up! [AZIRAPHALE] I- I don’t- ugh! [AZIRAPHALE FLIES UP TO CROWLEY. THE SEQUENCE THEN SWITCHES BETWEEN THE

M FLYING AND DANCING TOGETHER] [CROWLEY] Aziraphale? [AZIRAPHALE LOOKS AT CROWLEY] [CROWLEY] May I have this dance? [AZIRAPHALE] Heh. [THE SCENE CUTS AGAIN TO THEM FLYING IN THE SKY] [CROWLEY] WOOOOOOOOOO-HOOO! How cool is this?! [AZIRAPHALE] [giggles] [THE SCENE CUTS AGAIN TO THEM DANCING] [CROWLEY] Woah! Watch your step there, angel! [AZIRAPHALE] I’m following yours! [THE SCENE CUTS ONCE MORE TO THEM FLYING. THEY MAKE A HEART OUT OF THE CLOUDS AND TURN TO FACE EACH OTHER. THEY HOLD EACH OTHERS

HANDS AND STARE INTO EACH OTHERS EYES, BEFORE SNAPPING OUT OF IT] [SCENE 15: FALLING] [CROWLEY IS TAKING AZIRAPHALE SOMEWHERE. HE JUST DOESN’T KNOW WHERE] [AZIRAPHALE] Crowley! [giggles] Where are we going? [CROWLEY] To the most beautiful place I know. And you’re the first to come with me. [LATER- THEY ARE AT THE DOCKS, SOMEWHERE IN ENGLAND. CROWLEY COMES HERE TO THINK] [AZIRAPHALE] You know. I’ve never seen the stars. Not from this distance anyway. [CROWLEY] Well, here you are. They’re beautif

ul, aren’t they? [AZIRAPHALE] Crowley? [CROWLEY] Mm? [AZIRAPHALE] Thank you. [CROWLEY] [smiles softly] You’re welcome, angel. [AZIRAPHALE] [starts to cry] [CROWLEY] Woah. Hey, hey angel. Overwhelming day? We can call it a night if you- [AZIRAPHALE] No, no, it’s not that. I don’t want to go back to Heaven. [CROWLEY] You don’t? [AZIRAPHALE] It’s beautiful here. This planet is like nothing else in the universe. And after betraying Gabriel, I…how can I go back now? [CROWLEY] Were you happy in Heaven

? [AZIRAPHALE] Not really. No. I always thought I was but, this feeling is different, and whatever I felt back in Heaven, it..it wasn’t that. [CROWLEY] So stay here. Get a job, run a bookshop maybe. [AZIRAPHALE] A bookshop? [CROWLEY] Yeah! You spent hours reading today. Imagine, your very own paradise filled with books, and whatever else. You could have a good life. A free one. No more limits. [AZIRAPHALE] [giggles]. Even so. Gabriel would be heartbroken. And my relationship with God would be sh

attered. [CROWLEY] He– [sigh]. Maybe. But maybe it’s time to start thinking about what you want. Not what he wants. Or what God or Heaven does either. [AZIRAPHALE] [smiles] Hmm. I’m glad I met you. [CROWLEY] Oh, don’t start. [AZIRAPHALE] I mean it. This wouldn’t have been possible without you. And in just two days, you’ve gone from a rogue demon I couldn’t trust to the creature I trust the most. [CROWLEY] Ditto, Aziraphale. I don’t really have anyone to talk to. Any friends. You’re the only bein

g I’ve ever met who’s ever shown me a tiny bit of compassion. [AZIRAPHALE] Well, I think that’s nonsense. I’m proud to know you, Crowley. I’m proud to call you my friend. [CROWLEY] You are…remarkable. [AZIRAPHALE] Do you think so? [CROWLEY] I do. [AZIRAPHALE] I spent so long yearning for one thing. One visit, one visit to Earth. But it’s bigger now. I want a life here, an eternity. But most of all, I want a companion. [CROWLEY] I’m happy to be. I’ll say it again, for an angel, you aren’t half ba

d. [AZIRAPHALE] Oh shut it, you. [THE TWO LEAN IN TO KISS ONE ANOTHER. CROWLEY THEN SPOTS LIGUR AND HASTUR IN THE DISTANCE] [AZIRAPHALE] Crowley? Is everything alright? [CROWLEY] Um…yeah. Yeah, of course it is, I just…there’s something I need to take care of, just for a minute. I’ll be back, I promise. [AZIRAPHALE] Alright. (to himself) He’ll be back. [SCENE 16: BETRAYAL] [CROWLEY] Ligur! Hastur! It’s been so long since we’ve caught up, how have you been lads? [clears throat] Anyway look, mistak

es were made, just wanted to clear the air, no ill will against you at all. I would just like to live my life in peace, no need for any legion in Hell to come after me, good? Good. Right? [HASTUR] Up to your old tricks again, I see, Crawley? [CROWLEY] What? [LIGUR] That other lad you were with. He wasn’t any ol’ chap was he? He broke the rules. Collaborating with a demon? [chuckles] He’s going down to Hell, or you’re coming with us, for good. [CROWLEY LOOKS TERRIFIED] [AZIRAPHALE IS STILL WAITIN

G BY THE DOCKS. HE SEES A SHADOW THAT LOOKS LIKE CROWLEY’S WALKING TOWARDS HIM] [AZIRAPHALE] [sighs in relief] Thank goodness! I was starting to think you left me! [HASTUR AND LIGUR WALK TOWARDS AZIRAPHALE] [LIGUR] He did. [AZIRAPHALE] What? No! He wouldn’t! [HASTUR] [chuckles] [LIGUR] Oh, but he would. He was given a job, a long time ago, he might have told you. His last. Tempt an innocent soul. Bring it back for our master. Well. No better than an angel’s. [AZIRAPHALE] I think you’ll find- [HA

STUR] A fallen angel’s. [AZIRAPHALE] What? [LIGUR] Touring Earth with a demon? You’re in breach of your code, don’t you think? [AZIRAPHALE] I- [HASTUR] Let’s go and see what our Master thinks about that. [AZIRAPHALE] No…please. [HASTUR AND LIGUR GRAB AZIRAPHALE BY THE ARMS] [AZIRAPHALE] No! No! [HE FIGHTS THEM OFF AND RUNS. HE RUNS UNTIL HE FALLS AND HEARS A GRUNT IN THE DISTANCE] [GABRIEL] Aziraphale! [AZIRAPHALE] …Gabriel? [GABRIEL] Oh, Aziraphale! [AZIRAPHALE] Gabriel! [GABRIEL] Are you okay?

Did they hurt you? [AZIRAPHALE] No- but how did you? [GABRIEL] I knew it, I knew something bad was going to happen. So I tracked you, and I saw those demons and I- let’s go, in case they don’t discorporate. [AZIRAPHALE LOOKS BACK. TEARS START TO FORM. HE LOOKS BACK AT GABRIEL AND SOBS] [AZIRAPHALE] I thought he was different, Gabriel. I thought he cared about me. [GABRIEL] I know, Aziraphale. I know. [SCENE 17: HELL] [CROWLEY STIRS AS HE WAKES. HE IS TIED TO A CHAIR. HE IS BACK IN HELL] [CROWLE

Y] Oh…Satan, not again- [groans] GAH! [BEELZEBUB HAS PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE] [BEELZEBUB] Not another word, traitor! [CROWLEY] Who took me here? Where’s…[gasp] Aziraphale. Aziraphale! [HE STRUGGLES IN THE CHAIR] [HASTUR] Struggle all you like, Crawley, there’s nowhere to run. [CROWLEY] Ugh! I knew you’d be in on this, you slimy little creep! [HASTUR] Yeah, well, it’s easy to track a demon who leaves his replica running. [CROWLEY] Rep- aw God. Where is he? That’s all I wanna know, and you can do

whatever you like to me! [LIGUR] Oh, we will. Death by Holy Water, actually. [CROWLEY] I’ve been gone for three hundred years. You never attempted to track me before your alarms went off? [EVERYONE GOES QUIET] [CROWLEY] [chuckles] Pathetic. [HASTUR PUNCHES CROWLEY IN THE FACE. CROWLEY GROANS] [HASTUR] Shut it! [CROWLEY] What, you think you can hurt me? I’m already facing a death sentence, there’s nothing more you can do. [HASTUR] Oh, we’ve only just begun. [SCENE 18: REALIZATION] [GABRIEL AND AZ

IRAPHALE ARE BACK IN HEAVEN IN AZIRAPHALE’S OFFICE] [GABRIEL] And everyone is so happy to see you back. Now, as for tomorrow’s- [AZIRAPHALE] Will I be pardoned for this? [GABRIEL] What? [AZIRAPHALE] I- [tears up]. I’m sorry, Gabriel. I went behind your back. I just- [GABRIEL] How was it? [AZIRAPHALE] The Earth is just as wonderful as they say. But he…I thought he and I were… [GABRIEL] I really did try, Aziraphale. I tried to warn you he couldn’t be trusted. All demons are the same. They're dark,

selfish, vain and cruel. And Crawley? He was no exception. And look at the state of you now. You would never have been ready. [GABRIEL LEAVES AZIRAPHALE ALONE. HE GOES BACK TO HIS DESK AND STARTS THINKING. HE THINKS ABOUT CROWLEY AND TRIES TO PONDER WHY HE WAS SO UNTRUSTWORTHY IN THE END. HE THEN HAS FLASHBACKS] [AZIRAPHALE] I knew I couldn’t trust you! [CROWLEY] I never claimed that you could. [CROWLEY] Listen the only thing I want to do with Heaven is to get out of it, now! [CROWLEY] Hi, hell

o, sorry, it’s the demon from last night. If you wouldn’t mind, and if you haven’t already, could you not tell anyone about that? It’s just that I’m already in enough trouble with my own lot or…well anyway- [AZIRAPHALE] I’m an angel. And angels do not break promises. Ever. [CROWLEY] Debatable. [AZIRAPHALE] Please… [CROWLEY] Believe it or not angel, not everyone can be trusted. [CROWLEY] You’re an angel. Which is why I’m treading on thin ice. [AZIRAPHALE] I’m lonely, the other angels they don’t…

[CROWLEY] They don’t get you? [AZIRAPHALE STUMBLES BACK AND GASPS. HE’S REALISED A HORRIFIC TRUTH] [MEANWHILE IN HELL, CROWLEY IS BEING DRAGGED TO HIS TRIAL. AS HASTUR AND LIGUR BOTH HAVE HIM IN THEIR GRIPS, HE SNAPS. HE KICKS HASTUR TO THE GROUND AND GRABS HIM BY THE COLLAR] [HASTUR] GAH! [CROWLEY] How did you know about him? Tell me now! [HASTUR] Oh…that would’ve been the Supreme Archangel. [UPON REALIZATION, CROWLEY IS PULLED BACK AND TAKEN TO HIS TRIAL] [CROWLEY] Agh! No, wait! You don’t und

erstand, he’ll fall! [BACK IN HEAVEN, GABRIEL COMES BACK TO CHECK ON SOME MORE PAPERWORK] [GABRIEL] [knocks] Aziraphale? [AZIRAPHALE] [gasp] [GABRIEL] Just here to check on the paper-...work. Are you alright? [AZIRAPHALE] Crowley was an angel… [GABRIEL] What was that? Please speak up, Aziraphale, no one can hear you when you talk like that. [AZIRAPHALE] Crowley was an angel! Wasn’t he? [GABRIEL] Who? Who are you talking about? [AZIRAPHALE] Is he the only one that’s been lying? Or do you have thi

ngs to answer for? [GABRIEL] …The demon Crawley?! That’s absurd, Aziraphale, we’ve been over this. Demons are made that way, an angel cannot become a- [AZIRAPHALE] You set it up! You set it all up! [GABRIEL] Everything I did was to protect you. [AZIRAPHALE REALISES SOME MORE PAINFUL TRUTHS, AND PUSHES GABRIEL] [GABRIEL] Aziraphale. [AZIRAPHALE] I have spent eons here, never visiting Earth, never being useful for anything other than- [GABRIEL] Aziraphale! [AZIRAPHALE] When you were just worried I

’d rebel! [GABRIEL] You are easily influenced, Aziraphale. The moment you met him, he would take you down his path and look. Look at you! [AZIRAPHALE] No- he was an angel once, wasn’t he? You took everything from him! [GABRIEL] Well I have news for you! That demon is going on trial. He’s to be destroyed for his crimes against Hell. [AZIRAPHALE] No… [GABRIEL] Hey, hey, it’s okay, listen. I just don’t want you to suffer the same fate. [AZIRAPHALE] [pushes Gabriel] No! [GABRIEL] [groans] [AZIRAPHAL

E] You kept me from the world, because you knew I wasn’t like other angels, you feared I would get a taste of freedom. That I would rebel And someone would show me just how terrible you really are! [GABRIEL] [takes shallow breaths] [AZIRAPHALE] I’m going to free Crowley, then I’m going back to Earth. I’m done being your perfect little angel. You can’t stop me. [AZIRAPHALE] Oh, Aziraphale. I think you’ll find I can. [SCENE 19: ESCAPE] [MEANWHILE BACK IN HELL- CROWLEY IS BEING PUT ON TRIAL] [BEELZ

EBUB] A rebellion against Hell, and collaboration with an angel. You have heard the evidence against the demon Crawley, what is your verdict? [HASTUR AND LIGUR] Guilty. [BEELZEBUB] And you? [CROWLEY] [sigh] Well people. I’d honestly be in a state of grievance…if you didn’t have the KEY, right next to me! [BEELZEBUB] No! [CROWLEY PUTS THE KEY IN HIS MOUTH AND UNLOCKS THE CHAMBER. HE THEN MAKES A RUN FOR IT] [BEELZEBUB] Get him! [HASTUR AND LIGUR GO AFTER CROWLEY. CROWLEY MEANWHILE ENDS UP IN REQU

ISTIONS WHERE HE MEETS SHAX] [CROWLEY] Shax! Hi sweetheart, how you doing? Listen, I’m not coming back, so I am really sorry about the incident with Dager in 1857, I was just having a really bad day- [HASTUR AND LIGUR BREAK THROUGH] [CROWLEY] Okay, no more time, gotta go! [CROWLEY RUNS TO THE LIFT. HASTUR AND LIGUR FOLLOW HIM] [HASTUR] You’re dead meat, Crawley! [CROWLEY] Am I? Wanna come with me to Heaven? [HASTUR] H-Heaven? Isn’t the Archangel Gabriel in…? [CROWLEY] So, he is. I thought I got

a whiff of angel off you when we reunited? Wanna tell that to the big boss or should I? [HE STEPS BACK INTO THE LIFT] Ta-Ta boys! [LIGUR] What do we tell Beelzebub? [HASTUR] That we’re incompetent fools…too afraid to do our jobs. [SCENE 20: RESCUE] [THE LIFT GOES UP TO HEAVEN. CROWLEY DISGUISES HIMSELF AS AN ANGEL AND RUNS TO THE TOP FLOOR] [CROWLEY] Come on, which room, which room? Aziraphale! Aziraphale, it-! Aziraphale, let me in! [A DOOR ON THE LEFT OPENS. CROWLEY RUSHES IN] [CROWLEY] Azirap

hale! I’m so sorry! I never thought I’d see you again! What? [AZIRAPHALE] [muffled] Crowley! Look out! [GABRIEL STABS CROWLEY WITH A FLAMING SWORD. HE SCREAMS IN PAIN AND FALLS TO THE GROUND WITH BURNT SKIN] [AZIRAPHALE] [muffled] CROWLEY! [panics] [GABRIEL] Oh…look what you’ve done, Aziraphale. [AZIRAPHALE] [muffled] No! [GABRIEL] Oh, don’t worry. [steps over Crowley] I’ll kill him next. [AZIRAPHALE] [muffled] Crowley! CROWLEY! [panics] CROWLEY! [GABRIEL] I don’t know why…[struggles] you’re cal

ling him that. That’s not his name! People of Heaven, come join me. For the trial of Aziraphale, Principality. And the death of a former angel. A traitor. [AZIRAPHALE] [muffled] No! Crowley! [GABRIEL] Aziraphale, really! Enough already! Stop fighting for him! [AZIRAPHALE MANAGES TO GET THE GAG OFF OF HIS MOUTH] [AZIRAPHALE] No! I won’t! For every minute of the rest of my life, I will fight for him! I will never stop trying to protect him! And I will never stop fighting for my freedom. But if you

let me save him, I will stop. [CROWLEY] No…no, Aziraphale…please. [AZIRAPHALE] I will never run, I will never go back to Earth, just leave him out of it, and I will never see him again. I’ll be your best angel again, just like it was before. All of this will stop, I promise. Just like it was. Just, let me heal him, and leave him out of it. [SCENE 21: THE FINAL BATTLE] [GABRIEL CHAINS CROWLEY UP] [GABRIEL] In case you get any wicked ideas. [CROWLEY] [coughs] [AZIRAPHALE] Cro-Crowley! [CROWLEY] [

grunts] AH! [AZIRAPHALE LOOKS AT CROWLEY’S WOUND. HE IS HORRIFIED] [AZIRAPHALE] Oh! I am so sorry! Everything is going to be fine, look! [CROWLEY] No..No Aziraphale. [AZIRAPHALE] No, look, I’m going to do a miracle, you have to trust me. Just breathe. [CROWLEY] No…I’m gonna discorporate. They won’t give me another body. [AZIRAPHALE] No! Please, you can’t do this! You can’t let him die! [CROWLEY] It’s not worth it. If you do this, you will die. [AZIRAPHALE] Listen to me…I’ll make sure that they s

ave you- [CROWLEY] Aziraphale, wait… [CROWLEY STROKES AZIRAPHALE’S HAIR. AZIRAPHALE LEANS IN FOR A KISS UNTIL CROWLEY CUTS OFF AZIRAPHALE’S WINGS. GABRIEL PANICS] [AZIRAPHALE] Crowley, wha-.. [GABRIEL] NO! [GABRIEL] Do you realise what you’ve done?! [AZIRAPHALE CRADLES CROWLEY IN HIS ARMS, PROTECTING HIM FROM GABRIEL. THERE IS NO TIME TO DO THE MIRACLE HERE. AZIRAPHALE CARRIES CROWLEY INTO THE LIFT DOWN TO EARTH AS DEMONS ARRIVE AND ANGELS BEGIN TO FIGHT] [SCENE 22: CROWLEY’S DEATH] [THE LIFT GO

ES DOWN. THEY LAND ON EARTH. AZIRAPHALE CATCHES HIS BALANCE BEFORE THEY FALL. HE IS CARRYING CROWLEY IN HIS ARMS. HE SETTLES HIM DOWN ON THE GRASS] [AZIRAPHALE] Oh, Crowley, you silly snake. Why did you do that? Why do this? I’m not worth it, I’m not… [CROWLEY] [coughs] Yes…you are. I never…meant…to leave you. [AZIRAPHALE] [gasp] No, no, please, please don’t talk, save your breath. [CROWLEY] Aziraphale- [AZIRAPHALE] No- [CROWLEY] Aziraphale… [AZIRAPHALE] What is it? [CROWLEY] You’re the only goo

d angel…in this universe. [AZIRAPHALE] [chuckles softly] And you’re the only good demon. [CROWLEY TAKES HIS LAST BREATH] [AZIRAPHALE] Crowley? Crowley no…[sobs] Please don’t…please. God. God? It’s Aziraphale speaking. I would like to say I’m sorry but I’m not. Not for any of it. Not for breaking the rules….and not for falling for him. He was good. He was kind. He cared about humans, he cared about me. I have to ask you, my Lord. For this one thing. And I will never ask you for anything again. I

will stay away from Heaven. I won’t bother you or any angels again. Just bring him back…please. [sobs] [AZIRAPHALE HAS BEEN GLOWING. HIS WINGS RETURN, AND GOD HAS GRANTED HIM HIS WISH] [AZIRAPHALE] Come on. Come on, please. Please work. [CROWLEY] Hey, angel? [AZIRAPHALE] [gasp] Crowley? [CROWLEY] Did I ever tell you I have a thing for runaways? [AZIRAPHALE] [laughs and gasps] Crowley! [AZIRAPHALE PULLS CROWLEY INTO A HUG. OVERWHELMED WITH JOY, HE KISSES HIM] [SCENE 23: ETERNITY] [CROWLEY] Do you

think they’ll leave you alone now? [AZIRAPHALE] They won't come after me. They have bigger problems now. [CROWLEY] And you’re just gonna leave them to it? [AZIRAPHALE] It feels…wrong but, yes. If they want to lie to the rest of Heaven, let them. As long as they don't come here. And if they come back for me, I’ll think of something. [CROWLEY] They won’t! I won’t let them. [AZIRAPHALE] I thought I’d lost you. [CROWLEY] [takes Aziraphale’s hand and kisses it] [AZIRAPHALE] You gave me the adventure

of a thousand lifetimes. I will never be able to thank you enough for that. [CROWLEY] I'm sorry I cut off your wings. [AZIRAPHALE] Crowley- [CROWLEY] I thought that as long as you were an angel, he’d keep you in his grip. And I was not letting you end up like me. [AZIRAPHALE] Ah yes. I think we ought to talk about that, don't you? You were an angel once. [CROWLEY] I thought you knew that. We all start off as angels. [AZIRAPHALE] I didn’t know that. [tears up] I didn't know anything. [CROWLEY HO

LDS AZIRAPHALE AS HE CRIES] [AZIRAPHALE] I was his prodigy. An angel he could control. [CROWLEY] I know. [AZIRAPHALE] I was nothing to him! [CROWLEY] I know. ‘Cause he did it to me too. [AZIRAPHALE] Why didn’t you warn me?! [CROWLEY] We’d just met, you weren't gonna trust me. I needed you to know for yourself. But I never thought it would go this far. [AZIRAPHALE] [cries] What am I going to do now? God may have gifted me this but, She won’t forgive me. And though I have my wings back. I’m not an

angel anymore, I-I’m nothing! [CROWLEY] No! Stop it. You’re not nothing. You’re everything. [AZIRAPHALE] You don’t have to say that. [CROWLEY] I do. I mean it. [AZIRAPHALE] You don’t even know me. [CROWLEY] Okay. So let me know you. Let me know every part of you. And I’ll do the same for you in return. [AZIRAPHALE] Why don’t we start with you? Your Earthly whereabouts were not your only secrets. So don’t hide anymore. You’re safe with me. [CROWLEY] And you’re safe with me. [AZIRAPHALE] I know.

[THE END]