“It’s a Sign of the End of the World” - Kathleen Madigan - Full Special

from New York City Comedy Central presents Kathleen Madigan [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you wow thank you wow you guys sound awesome this is this is great to be here I actually uh flew here on TWA which was good because I've been taken Southwest a lot lately and I don't know if you guys have taken Southwest but let me just tell you there's a reason those tickets are a dollar because they stop at people's houses and pick them up hi is Bob ready the planes in the yard they play gam

es while you're flying the flight attendant got on the back microphone the last flight I was on she goes hi my name is Mindy we're six and live for takeoff so I thought we'd play some games for a wait and take off I won every row as a team to guess the combined age of all the flight attendants she comes up to me because I'm sitting on the aisle seat she goes ma'am did your team have a guess I go well we talked that over and we're gonna go with nine which would have been mean if she would have go

tten it you know okay that's pretty low I don't think you're gonna win me neither huh I hate the ilc I like the window seat because I like to sleep my mom and mac and I were playing less she has the aisle seat I'm like Mom what is going on with this I have to have the ilt because if this thing goes down so help me Christ I'm getting out oh well sure you are because that happens so frequently you know you turn on the Nightly News and there's Tom Brokaw going oh 747 went down ironically every self

ish bastard in an aisle seat made it out safely the middle and windows were trapped like wet rats in a ball fire crying I never even used to be afraid to fly until recently I don't like all these planes just dropping out of this guy and then they never tell us what happened like it's in the news for a minute and it's just gone like Egypt Air what the hell happened no they never said they just kept going on the news every night going well we found the tapes but the tapes are in Arabic and arabic'

s really hard call Yellow Cab we'll get 28 people then they said they thought it might be suicide on the Pilot's part and I thought oh crap I never even thought about that now I gotta think about that crap when I get on a plane gotta stop by the cockpit hi how you doing Happy smappy here's some donut holes don't freak out freaking get to Canada in one piece that's where I was I was in Canada for like three weeks and I like Canada but like I forget it's up there I was thinking Canada is like our

attic and you forget it's up there and then you get up there you're like wow look at all this crap I totally forgot people live here they work here I don't like the fact though they charge you ten dollars to get out of Canada it's like an exit fee and I had no idea this was an official policy I get to the uh my plane and there's two guys standing there going hi we need ten dollars well join the club scooter I don't know what to tell you you know get a sign think of something witty that's what we

do in America he goes no ma'am that's the exit fee it costs ten dollars to leave Canada I'm like sir it's February it's 55 below zero outside you have totally low balled yourself I'll give you 50 Grand to get out of this Frozen ass Tundra no hacks our money's worth nothing up there where is our money worth something Mexico oh my one dollar 500 billion pesos oh I love that country because Everything's a Dollar it's like a giant dollar store anything that economy though I don't understand that it

's like when your money gets so valueless at what point do you just sit down and go you know what uh screw it we got to trade chickens again this is just not working I like that country because I like the fact that they got together and voted that every single day as an adult you have to take a nap oh I would have given 500 bucks I've been in that Senate meeting that day that Guy brought that up some guy had enough guts to stand up and go yeah um I don't really give a crap about the economy or a

nything but um I don't know about you people but I'm really dragging ass every day between like two and four and I was just wondering if we could vote on that being nap time and nobody said no that's the cool part hey when you are an idea man Raul locking up [Applause] can't understand why they're not a world power yet I like the Mexicans answered up difficult problems Health Care they got to the answer what's their answer prescription drugs are available with no prescription there's your answer

cut out the doctor the middle man self-diagnosis that's the future that is so ridiculous because there's so many freaks like me I'd be down at the drugstore every week going I have a brain tumor what do you have behind the counter well screw it maybe it's a headache but I think it's a brain tumor just come on I actually want a store in Tijuana they were having a sale on Prozac and fireworks oh you got to meet the manager who came up with that special I knew nothing in Mexican culture I'm origin

ally from the Midwest I moved to Los Angeles like Cinco de Mayo I didn't even know what it was my neighbor's Mexican I asked him I'm in the midwest we call it Tuesday you know I asked him I go what is it he goes it's our independence day I go who'd you beat he goes the French I'm like well who didn't you know I don't know if it's something to get quite this wound up about Jose but if Margaritas are half price I'm all about yourself that's all we do is travel and we have all day off and for those

two reasons that's why I watch Unsolved Mysteries because I think I got a good chance at finding these people my favorite part of that show every time they have that show they have a segment called reunions that's where if you have a missing relative for free Unsolved Mysteries we'll go ahead and help you find that relative and I'm just here to tell you that so far from what I've seen if you do have a relative that's missing I would just go ahead and leave a message because oh the critters they

unearth are unbelievable put some big fat ass coming out of a trailer going thank God y'all found me because I am broke I'm bone marrow again I need some sort of Translate a lot of time to kill on the road I listened to Dr Laura cause I hate her anybody else on that thing but I can't quit listening so who's the freak I'm addicted I just I am astonished she's if you've never heard her she's on AM radio she's not a shrink but she acts like a shrink she often refers to herself as a moral leader an

d I don't know how you get to that point in your life where you're walking around your house one day going you know what I'm so damn right about everything I'm gonna start taking calls I watch a lot of sports that's a good time killer figure skating is my favorite because I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid but whenever I watch that I think God I would have done it alone I don't know how these people have the patience to be in a little team with a partner because if I practice with so

me guy for 10 years and we got to the Olympics and he fell oh oh my God I'd skate around just to chop off a finger before he got up let's get up to that judges table and go I don't have any idea who that man is he's stalking me and I would like him removed from the building I don't know why his outfit matches mine the dragon about watching figure skating though is you gotta listen to Dick button announce it and for you guys who don't watch figure skating I'll catch up real quick dick button won

a gold medal in figure skating in 1884. okay and he's hyper condescending and he's mean it's like these people these people families are watching when they suck I think we know they just skated into a wall and they're bleeding I want to buy oh he's Relentless well it's obvious these two have no Grace athletic talent and or ability and shouldn't even be in the rink oh you just want to go you know what dick I would like to see your fat bald ass out there doing a triple Luts cause when you won the

gold medal what was required to win gold you had to be able to like skate backwards and wave I've seen the movies and those people are so much younger now it's getting ridiculously young I mean the last the last Gold Medal winner Tara Lipinski 14 years old wins the gold medal then goes home to Detroit and writes an autobiography and when you're 14 what do you have to say so far you've only known how to write for seven years chapter one math is really hard I can't unload these girls got cookies t

hey order them and then they move 14 years old you don't want to win a gold medal when you're 14. you don't want to Peak that early in life I mean you'll never be normal you might as well just shoot the heroin right in your eyeball and go directly to rehab you're eating cereal and you're on the box that's gonna go up there's no way around that hard for me to watch any of these like the the Olympic sports I just can't watch them because I think too many people are cheating like whole countries ar

e cheating and I don't think we say anything to them because we're scared of them I China I think they cheat like crazy people like those Chinese swimmers it couldn't be more obvious and our announcement was always so polite about it uh Bill do you think perhaps Wong Fu was using steroids oh well she swam home [Applause] world record by an hour and a half Bob pretty freaky the only sport I absolutely refuse to watch Marathon running oh that looks like a bunch of anorexics in a hurry to get a bur

ger I can't I can't watch it dude 26 miles you're running from something that's all I'm saying sit down think about it that is crazy and they always spend all their money on shoes you know they have 400 pair of running shoes and who sponsors them shoes shoes and then who wins every year some guy from Kenya who's never even had a parakeet [Applause] more or less 26 although I did quit smoking that's a good little Health move there thank you thank you thank you I gotta be honest I did not want to

quit I love smoking but I saw a reason to quit if you're a woman and you want a series and quit smoking just go to Las Vegas go to any casino go directly to the nickel slot machine area and stand next to one of them 900 year old ladies it's still smoking and wait to hear them talk oh right roofs off she's gone I just need one more wrong [Applause] this service is appalling if I was an alcoholic I'd come here to quit working right I'm not very attractive I am glad I quit though because they're ba

nning it on flights you know and I had to fly all the way to China 15 hours oh brutal we had to go all the way to China to do comedy it was a disaster I mean the whole country was like a giant where's Waldo book and I was Waldo I just kept walking around telling the other comedians I'm like if there is such a thing as reincarnation I was never Chinese because none of this crap's ringing a bell not the food not the music and they play that music while you're trying to eat that thing [Applause] tu

rn that off that's horrible it's not appetizing I just keep thinking of the Sally Struthers commercials and ah I can't even watch them commercials adopt a kid for 60 cents a day because I feel so guilty because I have 60 cents but you but you gotta ride them leathers and I know I wouldn't write the little fella I'd call him if he had a cell phone not a fan of the Chinese language either to my ears it just sounds harsh and like they're always stressed out and yelling at you I mean you ask a simpl

e question that answer came back 50 times louder and meaner hey can you tell me how to get to the bathrooms was that all about like no wonder you guys had to build this wall around this card you're so loud they're probably other countries calling you hey it's Jose and Maaco we're trying to get a nap down here you think it could be quiet over there you want some Valium there's no prescription necessary it was horrible weather though it rained the entire time like freak weather too like wait like

raining 14 days in a row this weather lately is getting freaky freaky weather like the lady at my drugstore thinks it's a sign of the end of the world I was up there like three weeks ago buying a paper and there's this big flood wherever it was on the front page and I go all that flood's horrible in it she goes no baby this is another sign of the end of the world do you really think the world's ending she goes I go well can I just have this stuff going out of world sale come on then I got home t

he same day honest to God and there's this video in my mail from some Christian group and it said do you know Jesus the end is near and I'm like what is this so I throw it out then I'm laying in bed at night thinking you know the world part is gonna end I'm Gonna Get To Heaven look all surprised God's gonna be standing there going look I sent you a video I had the lady at the drugstore tell you and your Rams won the Super Bowl what else we have had freaky weather even traveling I see it I mean I

was in Iowa they had four tornadoes in one day they kept calling our hotel rooms going we have tornadoes coming we don't have a basement so get in your bathtub I go no I think I'd rather be dead than if I'm flying naked around I want a bath you see that on CNN the next day farmer standing out there go where now first we thought she was a easy way [Applause] because it's always guys like that meeting new episodes isn't it I think that's why the aliens don't ever stay look at the people they meet

when they get here every time they come they land in the middle of nowhere meet two guys and overalls with no teeth that are standing on come here little critters come on Earl and meet that y'all bowling if you had to cut more fingers on you if you think about it Earth is probably like the Alabama of the universe and we don't even know it I bet there's martians on Venus going don't even stop for gas at that planet they're idiots that's what I think is happening to our Martian probes I think the

y're lame and I think the Martians are just going oh it's them act like we're not home don't answer it I'm completely convinced there's aliens my brothers say no they're very scientific about it I go well what if they're what if they're just smarter than us and that's why we don't know they're here like fish don't know we're up here but we're certainly snagging them whenever the hell we feel like it I go out but if we drain the ocean we find like 20 trillion tiny posters of pictures of fish shou

ld just say missing thank you wow that one took you guys so wow some people some people really weren't sick on that because I bet every time we catch a fish a mother fish were just swimming around going hey wait a minute where'd Bell go and you know when we throw Bill back the other fish do not leave his story about where he was some people think the government knows there's aliens and won't tell us my one neighbor thinks that I go why wouldn't they tell us he goes because it would massive relig

ion people would just freak out I go why if God made us God made them what's the big deal I mean that's if you believe God made us which I do only because I don't understand Evolution oh all through school I just kept raising my hand going I have a question if we came for monkeys because we please just tell me why are there still monkeys what they just couldn't get over the hump you know George Bush Jr made it what's up with their oranges George Bush Jr I actually read his book in the store beca

use it's a pop-up just says I'm George I'm George I am I am I like green eggs and I like green [Applause] the real thing I don't understand about Evolution people go it's not that I even disagree with it but like people go yeah I took millions and millions of years and I'm like yeah well still though one day a monkey made it over the hump I mean one day a monkey could walk and talk and was like human and I I sit right and I think what if you were that monkey like what if you were the one who mad

e it over the hump but your family didn't how embarrassing would that have been having to try to bring a date home and try to explain it uh look before we go in the house I just want you to know if my Dad throws you just throw it back he thinks it's hilarious my mom's gonna try to pick crap out of your hair just let her do it that's if she gets out of the tire swing which is very rare thank you I think there's aliens and I think I think people are being abducted I completely believe in that a lo

t of people say oh impossible and I go well look at like us catching fish like sometimes we catch a fish we don't throw it back we just keep it as a pet in aquarium now the fish in the ocean don't know that their friend is okay in another dimension they probably assume he's dead because he's missing like we always think our missing people after a while we go well they're probably dead and I think well what if they're not what if they were just snagged and they are now pets on other planets what

if there's martians looking at terrariums going wow look at that Irish one it's still drinking all the other ones fell down hours ago that that Mexican one won't get up between two and four and that Chinese one won't quit yelling at either one of them hey guys that's all my son thanks [Music] foreign [Music]