-Our next guests will be at
The Laugh Shop in Calgary, Alberta,
April 4th through the 6th. Please welcome
the very funny Jackie Fabulous! [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -Hi, guys. I'm feeling
like a real grown-up finally. I used to have like 14 roommates
when I lived in Los Angeles. I had a lot of --
I had a lot of hiking roommates. I got a girl
who hiked all the time. A lot of hikers out there.
I don't know what they're looking for, but there are
a lot of hikers in L.A. And she didn't know
how to d
o fattening foods fun. She didn't understand
how to be fat properly. [ Laughter ] She'd bring home a pint
of ice cream, all excited, and I'm like,
"Where's yours?" [ Laughter ] Ladies, is it just me,
but isn't a pint one serving? Isn't that for one person? [ Cheers and applause ] Okay, with a pint, all I need is a napkin
and some privacy. I don't need any help
with a pint. [ Laughter ] Had another roommate,
always on a diet. She always used to call me
with her diet "accomplishments," right? She'
s like,
"Jackie, I just lost 2 ounces!" [ Laughter ] I lose that
when I trim my bangs. You understand me? You know what else
you should lose? My number. Don't call me anymore. Because we should
have empathy for those who want to lose weight.
You know what I mean? Like, I think
I'm very beautiful. My husband loves my body, but --
[ Cheers and applause ] Stop it! Stop! But I also
want to lose 85 pounds. Confidence is confusing.
You know what I mean? What does it feel like to feel
a breeze between
your thighs? I don't know how that feels. My thighs have been
together my whole life. I don't know what that's like. They used to describe
women's bodies, remember, with fruit shapes? Like you're apple shape,
you're a pear shape. I am Tempurpedic mattress.
That is -- [ Laughter ] When you get on top of me,
you're safe. You're not going to fall off.
[ Laughter ] Can you balance a glass of wine
on my belly? Yes, 'cause I've tried. [ Laughter ] And don't be mad at Oprah. Why are we mad at Oprah? I
know she was our weight-loss
ambassador for years. I get it.
But I have been a member of every weight-loss program
in the world. The last one I was a member of, they had a list of what they
said were zero-calorie foods. I saw that list.
They have bananas on there. When I saw that,
I had 11 bananas for lunch. [ Laughter ] Oh, so, I have my
last roommate now. Y'all call them husbands.
[ Laughter ] And I want to give
a marriage progress report. It's about a year and a half in,
and, um -- Yay, yay.
Love.
[ Cheers and applause ] My husband,
he's a really good cook. Thank you,
Lionel Richie and Jesus, but it's very risky
living with him. I know where all the smoke
alarms are now, okay? Everything he makes
is a little bit of barbecue, well done,
with a slash of arson. We almost die
whenever he cooks. And here's the reason --
men, you don't seem to have the patience to stir. You ever notice men can't stand
in front of a stove and just slowly just stir? Women, we will fry you guys
bacon, half n
aked, taking hot grease in the face
without a problem. My husband, he'll put raw fish
on my frying pan over an open fire,
and then he'll go to Home Depot. "Where are you going?
You're gonna kill us all." I posted a video of me
telling that joke online, and this man commented, he said, "I just finished taking a nap
and a shower, and then I saw your post and remembered I had a skillet
full of meat on the stove." [ Laughter ] They also don't tell you
when you're married the groceries
are always gon
na be gone. The grocery shopping day is not
"eat all the groceries" day. And we get groceries, too.
The cinnamon. Husband eats a lot of cinnamon. Isn't that a garnish that,
when you're baking, you put a little bit of cinnamon
in there? Who's getting lit
off of cinnamon? [ Laughter ] When we got married,
I had a bottle of cinnamon -- huge -- that I have had since
Michael Jackson was touring. With his brothers. You understand
how long I've had this? We got married, cinnamon gone. When you're singl
e, you know
how long garlic powder lasts? 9 1/2 years.
[ Laughter ] So, yeah, enough of that. And my husband, he's a repeat.
You know, he's from the '90s. We dated back then in our 20s. We're in our 50s now.
I know, stop it. And --
[ Scattered cheers ] And, uh, he made a real
Italian dinner from scratch. He made the pasta,
he made the bread. We would have wine and cheese
and dessert, eat all that and
still makes me love in the '90s. [ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. No, we got back together. Now I s
ay, "Hey, we
can have all the pasta, bread, wine, cheese, and dessert
or go make love. I can't do both."
[ Laughter ] That freaky, limber chick
from back in the day, that bitch is dead. Okay?
[ Laughter ] I have arthritis, asthma,
and allergies now. You gotta pick one.
We can't do both. It's nice having a man, too,
that we're the same age, you know, age appropriate. You know, I like that.
We would lay around in the dark, reminiscing
about back in the day, about our first kiss. And now we lay aro
und there,
like, "Remember when
we could eat cheese?" [ Laughter ] You know. Yeah.
[ Laughter ] I used to attract
young guys, too, like late 20s, but young guys are
pretty easy to get. There's no challenge. Most young guys
need a place to live. [ Laughter ] They're hungry.
They're wandering the streets. I could lure a guy into
my house with a game console. There's no challenge
getting a young guy. They're easily impressed. I had one young guy come over. He was like, "Whoo-hoo!
You got sheets!" T
he hell?
[ Laughter ] "How old are you?
They got sheets in jail. Where do you live, sir?"
[ Laughter ] Thank you!
I'm Jackie Fabulous. [ Cheers and applause ] -Come on.
Are you kidding me? The best.
-Thank you, Jimmy. -Thank you, bud.
You're the best, the best. -Thank you.
-Jackie Fabulous! See Jackie at The Laugh Shop
in Calgary, Alberta, April 4th through the 6th!
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