Jackie Kashian | Stay-Kashian (Full Comedy Special)

- [Announcer] Please welcome Jackie Kashian. - We did it! Yay! We're all outside, not socially distanced, just breathing the same airs. Congratulations. And I like you. And we're all using the same mic though. All good. I'm very happy to be here, I put a lipstick on, lit up my joke-hole, huh? Come on. You gotta light up your joke-hole when you do the stand-up comedy. Here's the thing though, 'cause I did a lot of online shows during the pandemic during the quarantine time and you really have to

do the lipstick thing when you're just a tiny person on the screen. And I realized, I realized so much in quarantine, you guys. Did you guys have some real moments? I had some real, real moments. And some positives, some. What is happening? But one of the things I learned how to make was yogurt. I learned how to make yogurt in quarantine, followed quickly by me learning I don't eat a lot of yogurt. Yeah. And then I also learned that I was out of lipstick. The lipstick thing was the weirdest thin

g 'cause I did a lot of Zoom shows 'cause immediately I wanted to do stand-up so I did a lot of Zoom shows. I liked them, personally. First of all, I was in charge, I was the host. I could mute you, I could kick you out, I could make you a co-host, I could share the power, you all had name tags, it was exciting. I was like, "Teresa's iPad," and I could talk to you. There was a guy named Ben who came to like 60 of my 300 shows in the last 16 months. He was stoned every time. It was dark and all y

ou would see was just him lighting up. And his name was Ben and I knew that 'cause his name was Ben. And I said, "Ben are you getting high?" And he'd always go, "Yeah, yeah, you're doing great Jackie. Just keep going." It was so beautiful, it was so beautiful. Some comics didn't like the online shows, they weren't ideal, I mean, what's ideal, right? They were all right, but I will say that the people who didn't like them, they were like, "It's not real stand-up comedy." Arguably, neither is Mino

t on a Wednesday. And I've done that. I've been to Minot on a Wednesday. Felt real enough. I got to run the jokes, it was all right. But I did run out of lipstick. Here's the thing I realized that I had never purchased lipstick before, which sounds weird 'cause I'm 100 years old. How did it happen? Well, 35 years ago or so when I first learned how to put the stuff on my face, my friend took me Macy's and they gave me a free lipstick when I bought the rest of the stuff for my face, and that is ho

w I have gotten lipstick forever. So when we went into lockdown, I didn't have any lipstick and I was like, "Well, just order some on the internet, just order some." I got 10 lipsticks for $10, thought it was a deal, you are correct. It was not a good deal 'cause it was terrible. Three swipes in every lipstick, they all tasted like cancer and it was gross. Lipstick, just so you know, should be heavy, it should taste like nothing and it should be expensive. I had purchased the lipstick that you b

uy for your four-year-old niece when she wants to play lipstick. Is what had happened there. Quarantine, it's weird, we're in the weirdest, the laziest Civil War I've ever seen in my life, you guys. It's a weird time. It's a weird, weird time. Spend all day long plan Whac-A-Mole. But I will say that some people, a lot of people have kids, I don't have kids, on purpose. Yay! But the weird thing is, some of my friends who have kids were beating themselves up about their kids and they're like, "I s

pent four years, no screen time and now it's 12 hours a day screen time and I feel like the worst parent ever." And I was like, "Oh my God, cut yourself some slack, this isn't the year to have that fight. And is that kid still live? You win." My friend has three kids and she was like, "Every day was the same with these kids, every day." And I was like, "It's been a year, they gotta be taller." They gotta be able to reach the cereal or something, right? She told me one of her kids can read now. T

hat her life has changed fundamentally. She can't lie to that kid anymore. That kid can check her sources. And nobody knows how it's gonna affect the kids. I do actually know what everyone's childhood was like, because it wasn't this. You did not have your parents next to you for 12 months. Either it was, "Get out, go run around." There was none of that for 12 months. Right here, right here with the kids. So we don't know. I think it's going to be very beautiful. There's gonna be... When I was a

kid, they had had just invented the term, "Quality time," this was the '70s. And they just invented the term, "Quality time" and I'm the youngest of six and I distinctly remember my stepmother telling us, she was like, "Quality time, I think that that's childcare. I don't think we can afford that. What you're getting here is quantity, quantity time. You're gonna be some good nuggets. It's gonna be fun." We don't know how it's gonna affect the kids and I have to say, so 15 years from now, the ki

ds that were five years old or 15 years. All we know, so far, is that none of the children in our lives wanna hear our 9/11 stories. "Oh, did you have a bad day?" "Yeah." "Okay, all right." My least favorite of most of the people on the planet right now, are the end-times people. They think it's the end-times. It's not, by the way, it's not the end-times. Just crummy times. Try to help someone in front of you, you're doing great, you're doing great. But here's the thing, they think it's the end-

times, here's the worst, they want it to be the end-times. There are people who wish it to be the end-times right now. 'Cause they wanna get to the rapture. They think it's the end-times, they want it to be the end-times 'cause they wanna speed it up, get to the rapture. Here's the twist, they've decided that they're going to be horrible people to speed up the end-times to get to the rapture. Let's unpack. First of all, not the end-times. Just terrible times, try to help somebody. Second thing,

the rapture. I don't know if you know anything about the rapture, they're not taking horrible people. Third thing you may not know about the rapture, not real, not real. Literally a parable to get you to not be a horrible person. But there's always a silver lining, always a silver lining in every existence and every moment in time and the silver lining now, is that the Germans are gonna get to be the good guys in World War 3. I used to get a really big laugh. I did that joke in Reykjavik, Icelan

d, four Germans in the front row were like, "Finally vindicated." And it makes sense. If you admit the worst thing you ever did, you get to be the hero in the sequel. So, good for the Germans. I was in Reykjavik, Iceland. You know how here in America, you can go to a portrait studio and they'll dress you like a cowboy? And they'll take a picture of you dressed as a cowboy and then they'll put a CP on that picture and then you will have a picture of yourself as an old timey cowboy? I have always

wanted such a photo. In Reykjavik, Iceland, downtown Reykjavik, Iceland, there is a portrait studio that will dress you like a Viking. And I said to my husband, a man, always a fun reveal. "Can we go? Can we go?" And he said, "We already have an appointment!" Because we are in love. And we went. And they put me in furs and I had a bow and arrow and a shield and a spear. And I felt fierce, I felt dangerous, I felt sexy. And then, I saw the photos. Not gonna lie to you, I look like a tough old bir

d. I looked like the mother of 13, is what I looked like. Looked like I just spent 20 years raising Viking children. Which by the way, sounds like this, "Who has been leaving smoked fish out to spoil? Lars, pick it up." And my husband, who makes video games for a living and thus by definition is an indoor person, he saw his photos and he said, "I look like they came to the village, and they're like, 'We're gonna need everyone.' Including the accountants.'" But it was sexier than the Viking accou

nt, right? That guy's counting the loot, that's steady work. The photographer at that portrait studio had a dog, had a St. Bernard mutt-dog. And I said to him, like you say to a guy with a dog, "That is a nice dog." And he said to me, "She was a rescue dog." And I said, "That's great." And then there was a long pause. And then I said to the man in downtown Reykjavik, Iceland, "What do you mean by that? 'She was a rescue dog.'" And he said, "She used to rescue people on ice floats 'cause she was

a rescue dog." "Oh." In America when we said, that means we've saved a chihuahua mix and we're gonna build ourselves a statute. I would like to pet all of your dogs. I wanna pet all of your dogs. I would like to pet all of your dogs. Some of your dogs, I'm not allowed to pet 'cause they're shy or they got the PTSD or they're at work. I have a lot of friends who have working dogs they have therapy dogs, they put all their anxieties into those dogs and then those dogs shake like Whip-its. They are

the dogs of Dorian Gray, those dogs. But I could be of use to your therapy dog. You got a therapy dog, I, Jackie Kashian, very, very friendly animal. I could pet your therapy dog, bleed off some of that anxiety from that dog into this animal right here, then I give you back empty dog. I will say, Los Angeles is full of a lot of people that are very interesting. I have four, younger than me friends who have said to me in the last several years that they were empaths. Not, "I'm empathetic," not,

"I'm sympathetic," not, "I'm patient, tolerant or kind," but, "I am an empath." Nope. I'm like, "Like Mantis from 'Guardians of the Galaxy?' Like Deanna Troi from 'Star Trek: The Next Generation?' Like a demon from 'Buffy?'" No, you are not an empath. You had a human experience. Someone was crying, you made eye contact. Someone looked up from their phone and you were there. And my buddy, who I love dearly said to me, "No, no, it's more than that. It's like when someone else's dog dies, I feel it

just as badly as they do." And I was like, "Wow, do you feel the hostility coming off of me? You getting that? 'Cause the word you're looking for is narcissism and you're killing me." They were all much younger than me. I'm a Gen X, the whole generational thing, I don't get it, I don't care. They never even named the generations before the boomers and then that guy wrote the book, "The Greatest Generation." They never called themselves that by the way, just so you know, nobody has ever said, "H

ey, we're the greatest generation, follow that." 'Cause that is not how you talk to the next generation. Here's how you talk to the next generation, "I'm sorry, we couldn't fix it, please help." And they were all millennials and I'm Gen X. And we got guff, back in the '80s, I got guff. I was told I was a slacker. I was told that I had played too many video games. And it turned out, I lived. So it's all gonna work out. But I will say this, I have never seen the pile of guff that you people get. E

veryone younger than the Gen X, so much guff, so much guff. You've caused everything. You've done everything wrong. My favorite thing you've done wrong, I don't know if you know this, but you don't know how to read maps. Did you know about that? You don't know how to read them. We used to read maps all the time. They don't know how to read maps, they're always looking at their devices, they don't know how to read maps they're always looking at their devices. I have this to say, I was there in th

e '80s. There was some map usage. Not as much as has been reported. We mostly use people, I would call you. I would go, "I live here, you live there, how do I get there?" I'd write down the directions on a piece of paper. I'd leave that piece of paper on the kitchen table. I'd get into my car and drive as far as I remember. And then I'd pull over and go to a gas station or a grocery store and call you again. "Where do you live from here?" I'd say. So you were not fighting a pile of Magellan's. W

e don't know how to read the stars either. If I see a tree and it has moss on it, I absolutely never think to myself, "Oh, North." I think, "Dirty tree." My least favorite of all, every generation has this banana-head. There's always some simpler-time person, who's like, "It was a simpler time when I was a kid, things were easier. It was a simpler time. It was just a simpler time. Things were easier when I was a kid. It was a simpler time." Yes, you were a child. I pray to God it was a simpler t

ime. Unless you were 11 working in a sock factory in Hong Kong, like a buddy of mine, should have been a simpler time. The other thing happening in Los Angeles is I have a lot of friends who are into ghosts. I don't know anything about ghosts. I don't not believe in ghosts, I just have never met any ghosts. Ghosts are uninterested in me, I have a theory, probably unsubstantiated, ha ha. Anyway. You have to be interested in ghosts to meet ghosts. That's my, I have the same theory about dolphins.

I once accidentally swam with dolphins. Have you ever swam with dolphins? Yeah, someone needed a fourth, right? All of my friends were going, they needed a fourth person to bring the money down so I went and signed up to swim with dolphins and it turns out I could have lit $300 on fire. Because, I don't know if you've ever, but you're interrupting something. Their lives, you're interrupting their lives. They would like to hang out with other dolphins. Anyway, I will chase a dolphin or a whale, I

'll go on a whale-watch, I'm there. I will chase, but I don't want to get involved. We don't need to meet. Have you ever gone to an aquarium where you get to pet a stingray? I did it once. And then I thought to myself, "How would I feel if a hand came out of the sky and just started doing this?" Nope. But I have a very good friend who knows about ghosts. She's a great comic. You ever get to see her do stand-up, she's a hilarious comic, her name is Karen Rontowski. She also has a podcast called,

Paranormal Karen, where she knows things about ghosts. And she really does. She knows a lot of things about ghosts, I don't know anything about ghosts. But she was over at my house one time, and when she was over at my house, she said, she thinks I'm afraid of ghosts, I am not. I don't know. So she said to me, "You wouldn't want me to open this app in your house, it would tell you if you have any ghosts." And I said, "App? Where'd you get the app?" And she said, "App store." And I said, "Please,

open Ghost Radar in my home." Ghost Radar is just that, it's just a radar. Boop, boop, boop. And so she opened it, guess what happened? Ghost, right behind me. Weird. Anyway. So Ghost Radar, there's always a ghost and then a word pops up and that word in my house was, "Red." And we had another friend over and my friend said, "I have a red sweater in my car." So, what I'm saying, is that maybe you see ghosts or meet ghosts or know things if you're looking for it. I have never met a ghost. Whenev

er anything might've been a ghost, I tend to go, "Water heater." The house is settling, I don't know. The other thing is I'm not watching the correct television. I've watched more television in the last 16 months that I feel I've ever watched. I thought I was watching a lot of television. It turns out other people are watching different nonsense than I am. I'm watching some other nonsense. And then other people are watching great stuff that isn't the great stuff I'm watching. So, there seems to

be some judgment there. But no one's watching my nonsense. My nonsense is "A-X-L." I don't know if anyone's seen "A-X-L." "A-X-L" A-X-L, it's an acronym. The first time I saw it was on the back of a chair on an airplane on mute. And that is how I recommend you see it. It's on Netflix. It's terrible. It's an acronym. Here's the story. The story is this, the army has created a robot murder dog. He doesn't wanna be a robot murder dog, so he runs away. And then he finds a friend who has a motor bike

and they run and they play and they jump. And I could have written this movie when I was nine. And it's a delight, it's horrible. Anyway, I'm gonna ruin this movie for you 'cause it can't be ruined. It's the dumbest movie in the world. The army would like their robot murder dog back. He doesn't wanna go back. So he blows himself up. Now, oh yeah. Yeah, we can't handle it as a people, even a robot murder dog dying in a movie, we cannot handle. There is 20 more minutes of movie, after he blows hi

mself up. Where we find out that not only has he blown himself up, A-X-L has backed himself up on the dark web. Yay! He's coming back "A-X-L" two, ketamine, child brides for us all. The other show that I've been watching is, is "Flavorful Origins." I would actually recommend this one. This one is a docuseries, each episode, 10 to 13 minutes. It is set in China. It's about Chinese food in small towns in China. It's beautifully shot. It's called, "Flavorful Origins." And what they do is they go to

a small town in China, so, you know, 11 to 17 million people. And they show you what noodle or what potato or what meat that they're eating in these small towns. And it's beautifully shot and it's delicious looking and I love Chinese food and I love food television. And so I watched it, but every four or five episodes, there would be a food that I will not be eating. The last one I saw was the bile from the belly of a goat that then turned into stone soup. Everybody would bring a thing and make

a big soup and it was for festivals. And what this told me, is that every country, every culture, has had rich people say to poor people, "You get nothing." And then someone's grandmother has had to take nothing and turn it into something delicious. That we now pay $26 a plate for. And only eat at Christmas. And hence, haggis was born, right? And chitlins were born and lutefisk was born. I'm from Wisconsin, you people know in Minnesota, lutefisk is dumb. It's dumb. They're all dumb. They're all

dumb. All of our ancestors are rolling over in their graves going, "Oh my God, eat the goat. What are you doing? There's a goat right behind you." We didn't wanna eat the... Lutefisk, if you don't know, Vikings came to Norway, they burned a town to the ground and there was a salted, smoked cod Something was underneath the ashes and somebody's grandmother grabbed that piece of cod and was like, "Maybe if we bake it and then boil it and lye and we eat it, everyone won't die." It's gross, it's fou

l. My grandmother from rural Turkey, Armenian from rural Turkey, they weren't allowed to eat the grapes they had eat the grape vines and the leaves. And so, somebody's grandmother back in time made dolmades, right? They were like, "Well, maybe if we boil these and then wrap whatever food we can find in this and then bake it." And dolmades come and then 26 bucks a plate. But there's vegetarian dolmades and there's meat dolmades and to my grandmother's dying day, whenever she would get vegetarian

dolmades, she would say, "Yalancı sarmak" which is Turkish for, "Liar's wrap." She was like, "We live in America, there's a pound of ground beef around here somewhere. Why are we doing this?" And I only tell you this 'cause I live in Los Angeles and in Los Angeles right now, I'm surrounded by poor people. And right now someone is stealing a handful of hazelnut Coffee-Mates and are gonna make the most amazing bread pudding you've ever met in your life. And it's gonna be available in about six mon

ths for $26. Los Angeles, you know, this planet definitely wants to kill us. And I am sympathetic, but not supportive. I'm still using the planet. Last year in Los Angeles, we had murder hornets, murder hornets. They're in the ecosystem, they're a bug, they kill other bugs, they have a reason to be. The weird thing about the words, "Murder hornets" though, is that that is what I've been calling the cops, Minneapolis. Oh yeah, oh yeah. I would posit this, is that murder hornets, the police, also

have a point and purpose in the ecosystem. There are sometimes criminals who have giant bang-bangs. Why don't you send a pile of murder hornets to deal with those criminals. You don't need a murder hornet for every crime. I get pulled over, I would like to see a social worker bee. I would like to see other insects. How about some caterpillars of community? You got loud neighbors, I would like to see a bunch of crickets. You got graffiti issues, I'd like to see some doodlebugs. We got a lot of ho

meless people in Los Angeles, I would like 1 million carpenter ants, stat. Yeah, everybody would like a better web presence, spiders all around. That was fun for me. Before lockdown, I did travel a bunch. I was in Eastern Europe catching up on my second-hand smoke. No one is vaping in Eastern Europe. It was me and four other comics. And one of those comics was a young man by the name of Antoine Young. Antoine Young, very funny comic you ever get a chance to see him, one liner guy. Anyway, he is

also a giant black man. He used to play the football, that is some sort of sporting event. But get this, he had never left the country before and he came through customs and they held him back and talked to him for like 20 minutes. And he finally comes through customs and I meet Antoine Young and the first thing I say to Antoine Young is, "Did you smile at the customs agent Antoine?" And the first thing he said to me was, "Why? Is that gonna make everyone more comfortable? Large black man smiles

." It's a valid question. When anyone asks anyone to smile, it's weird. When an older white lady asks a younger black man to smile, it's super weird. But I had a reason and my reason is this, is that Antoine Young has braces. And there is not a terrorist in the whole wide world that has braces. If you have braces, you have a future. Three years from now, you wanna smile at somebody. He smiled for the rest of that trip and was never stopped again. It's a beautiful parable. I have four brothers an

d they're all good men. That's right. And they're good guys. But two of them have recently said to me that there might be more sexism in the world than I may know about. And I thought about saying, "Hey man, boot's on the ground over here." But then I thought about it and quite honestly, two things. First of all, the learning curve right now for whitey magoos and menfolk, very steep. And so I think they're just trying to be good allies, they're trying to be good allies. We all wanna be good alli

es, I'm not always a great ally, I'm an okay ally. You ever see a "Godzilla" movie where Godzilla is the good guy? That is sometimes the ally that I am. A lot of collateral damage, me stomping around breaking things, screaming, "Don't you wanna know what I learned when I saw 'Hidden Figures?'" No, no one does. And the other thing is, is my brothers might be right, there might be more sexism in the world. I spent 30 odd years ignoring sexism, thinking that it was just the job. I just thought it w

as stand-up, right? I thought that there was creeps in stand-up and that's what it was and it was just that. And then I met other women with other jobs, you guys. Huge reveal. 'Cause stand-up is just a job, right? It's a job like anybody's job. There's dozens of comics, both men and women that I would not invite to my home. And I call those people, "My work friends." And then there's a handful of male comics that if they were in a room with absolutely any of you, I would warn you. Argus is troub

le. But, I will say this is that, 'cause I thought about the sexism thing, because I will sometimes be talking to younger comics, right? And I'll tell them a story that I think is funny. Something happened in the green room, hilarious, 30, 20 odd years ago, I'll tell the story and they, men and women, younger crowd, will be like, "What happened? What did you tolerate? Did you call anyone? Would you like a hug?" I'm like, "No, it was funny." Anyway, and I only tell you that because I might be the

last generation of women comics, or even women, that you will ever hear say this sentence, "He's a nice enough guy, you just don't wanna be alone with him. He's okay, just stand by the door." And so, I have like four old dude, male comic friends, who I swear to God are nice enough, guys. But they have recently said to me that, "You can't even flirt anymore, man. You can't even flirt. You talk to a woman, she thinks you're harassing her." And I have this to say, "Are you sure you're flirting?" B

ecause I've never flirted in my life, I am married, but not because of any interpersonal skills, right? I'm married because of online dating. Online dating is the last bastion of you can go somewhere and look at each other and both of you go, "Well, I would make out with that. Would you make out with this?" And then you move forward from there. And that's why I'm married. Prior to internet dating, I had two ways of hitting on guys and one of them was stone-cold sober if I liked a guy, I would st

and next to him for years. Absolutely never successful. Second way, I get liquored up, I go to the bar, I'd walk up to any promising dude and go, "This needs a tune up, you want in?" Neither one of those is flirting. One of them is harassment. Right here, how do we know? How do we know? Because of how the men would respond, that's how we know. Almost all of them said, "Ew, no." And then some of them said, "Sure?" We then proceeded to have what can only be called consensual, but regrettable sex.

I don't know if you've had much regrettable, consensual sex, but it's mediocre, my friends. And this is great. The only thing I ever did with it was, we used a condom. Big fan of the condom. The youngest of six can't possibly be dropping babies around this country. And of course, the clap. It was weird, sometimes men would say, a fella might say, "I don't wanna use a condom, it doesn't feel as good. I don't wanna use a condom." And then I would say back, "Does it feel better than not any sex at

all? 'Cause those are your two options." And then we would then proceed to have sex with a condom because we had both already settled, you guys. But my favorite was a guy who said, "I don't wanna use a condom, doesn't feel as good. Don't you trust me?" "No. We met 35 minutes ago at a bowling alley. I trust you not to kill me in the next seven to 11 minutes." And then I looked up the definition of flirting, flirting is harassment. That's the definition, it's either successful harassment or unsucc

essful harassment. The best definition of flirting I read was this one, "An interaction with another person wherein you make the other person feel good about themselves." Ooh, who's doing that? And then I realized who was doing that and it's my dad. My father is an aluminum siding salesman, though vinyl is final, steel is for real. Still selling, Elliot Kashian, Milwaukee, windows, doors, anything you need, roofing. But I recently found out that he hit on one of my best friends, Maria Bamford, a

t my wedding. Now, in his defense at my wedding, Maria Bamford was a tiny 35 year old blonde woman, which is his favorite kind of person. But she told me this and I was like, "I'm so sorry." And she said, "Don't be sorry, he didn't touch me, he didn't even say anything weird, I just got the impression that he thought I was pretty." I was like, "That's that crazy definition of flirting, how did he do it?" And she goes, "I have no idea." So, the last time I was home, I had dinner with my dad and t

hen I had breakfast with my dad. And at breakfast, I said, "You hit on Maria Bamford using some weird skill. What was it?" And he was like, "It's a sales technique, Jackie. It's called the post-close warmup, I've been trying to teach all of you kids how to do it since you were born. Is anyone listening to me?" He said, "I hit on the waitress when we went out to dinner last night, we hit on the waitress last night using the post-close warmup, you were there." And I was like, "I remember you hitti

ng on the waitress, dad. I also remember it not being successful." And he goes, "It's not always gonna be successful, it's a waitress, that is a hostage situation. She keeps going away, you can't build any kind of momentum. But you got to practice on someone." By the way, going to dinner with your 84 year old father in Milwaukee, we're talking Outback, 4:30, okay. The waitress came to the table. My father looked at the waitress and said, "You are very good looking, you look very familiar. Are yo

u an actress? You are very good looking, you very familiar. Are you an actress?" And she said, "No, no, I'm a waitress. What would you like to drink?" He got the coffee. She goes away, she comes back. My dad goes, "You just seem so familiar to me, I feel a connection with you, maybe we've met before." And she goes, "Maybe, I meet a lot of people. What would you like to eat?" He got the steak. She goes away, she comes back at the end of the meal, my father goes, "Well, it's been very nice meeting

you, I hope I see you around again." And she goes, "Maybe, here's the bill." Now, there are three beats to this thing. The first beat you say in a non-threatening general way, "Well played, nice work." Second beat you say, "I feel a connection with you, I'm kind of sorry we've never met before." Third beat, my dad's like, "Very important third beat, you gotta let it go, gotta let it go. You've given it a shot. You say, 'Well, it's been very nice meeting you, I hope I see you around again.' If s

he's interested, she will talk more to you, you will start another round and eventually you will sell that woman windows." I love my father, a great deal. And if you were to look at them objectively, actually, I don't recommend that. I recommend you look at him subjectively, through the love in my eyes, because he's very smart, and he's very good with money, he loves talking to people. Actually, like three weeks ago, he calls me up and he was like, "So I'm watching TV and at the commercial, ther

e's an opportunity to get a free $100 square pillow." And I was like, "Yeah?" And he goes, "Yeah, so I called them up and I was like, 'I'd like my free square pillow.' And they said, 'Well, give us your information.' I did, I hung up. Moments later, guy calls back, different guy, to sell me a $6,000 electric bed." And I was like, "Yeah, that's what that's for dad." He's like, "I know, I know. I talked to him for like 90 minutes and it was great. $6,000 electric bed, talked him down to $3,600. An

d then he finally said, he said, 'You give me $100 over the phone and then send me $100 a month and we'll bring the bed over to your apartment.' And I said, 'You know, I'm 84, I'm going in tomorrow for a heart surgery, if I live, I'll call you back.'" Click. He's like, "Guy was a pretty good salesman. I think I saved like three old people having to talk to that guy." He's very good at a lot of different things. My brother Russ, who lives in Milwaukee, hangs out with him all the time. He's like,

"Sometimes dad will tell me that if I get a certain stock, in like a week and a half, I could turn it around and make like 10 grand." And I remember the first time he told me that I was like, "Really?" And he's like, "Yeah, yeah, don't bother though." And my brother Russ was just like, "Why wouldn't I? No, I wanna make 10,000, why wouldn't I do that?" He was like, "Well, there's not really fun in that. 'Cause you could make $250,000 if you invest in this other stock." And some sort of mousetrap-

y, Rube Goldberg thing happened where a swan came by rolling a bowling ball, "You could make like $250,000." And my brother Russ goes, "I think I'm just gonna do the $10,000 thing, dad." And my dad's like, "Eh, that's boring, but okay." So he's done it six times and he has a Scrooge McDuck pile of money. And I was like, "Hey Russ, you got five siblings over here, when dad tells you something like that, why don't you call the rest of us?" And my brother Russ goes, "Why don't you call your dad mor

e often?" And he's not wrong. I did call my dad not long ago and I was talking to him and I said, just making conversation. And I said, "I turned down a gig." And he goes, "You just turned it down?" And I said, "Yeah, didn't wanna do it, dad." And he goes, "What was the first thing I taught you?" And I was mad, 'cause I didn't like his tone of voice. And so I said, "I don't know, pick up other people's change." And he became very angry since he's never said that. He said, "No, the first thing I

taught you all was never say no without a number." And I was like, "That does sound familiar. What the heck does it mean?" He goes, "You don't say, 'No,' you say, 'I'd love to do that I'm gonna need,' and then you pick a giant number." And I was like, "17 grand." He's like, "That's a good number." He's like, "It's an odd number, strong." He's like, "'I would love to do that. I'm gonna need $17,000.' And then they say, 'Oh my gosh, we don't have $17,000.' And then you say back, 'Well, thank you s

o much for thinking of me. If your budget ever goes up, keep me in mind but know that my prices are always rising. So you could turn it down to perpetuity.'" And I was like, "That's the greatest thing in the world. I'm totally gonna do that." And I tried to do it and I did it wrong. I asked for $2,000 and I got it. So, I called my dad and I said, "'Never say no without a number' didn't work dad." And he goes, "Yeah? Every experience is a learning experience. What'd you ask for?" And I said, "Two

grand." He said, "No, you know what you learned? Everyone has two grand." Yes, and now I have two grand, but I have to go to Montana in February. My dad is very much an old-school capitalist, right? He thinks that there are tools on the table, you either use them or they get used against you. Actually, in his case, there's a third option. He is board and he uses them on your behalf. It is a lot like trying to iron something poorly in front of your mother. And then she takes the iron and does it

for you. My dad lives in what he calls, "An old people apartment building." And I was like, "Dad, you're 84, what's old to you?" And he goes, "Dead. Dead is old. Any day of the week, you can get a free DVD player in this building." He says, "Okay, so I'm walking by the common area and inside the common area, there's an old guy. Like 94, 95 years old. He had just gotten out of the hospital. He had just had surgery and he has Medicare, he has secondary insurance, but he was kind of freaking out a

nd he was almost crying 'cause he had gotten two more bills. One from the hospital, one from the surgeon for more money, for like 30 grand, 35 grand and he was really upset." My dad pauses and he goes, "Can you believe people think they got to pay hospital bills?" I was like, "Dad, they're bills, people pay bills." And he's like, "Not a hospital. You die on hospital money, that's a win right there. You send them five bucks a month, you're trying, they can't do anything. Can't put a lien on anyth

ing or garnish your wages. And if that hospital gets any kind of federal funding, they have to do a certain amount of sliding fee scaled billing. They don't wanna give you the paperwork, but eventually." I'm like, "Pardon me, Mr. Incredible." While I take notes. And tell several hundred people in Minnesota. You ever see "The Incredibles?" The most real heroic moment of "The Incredibles" was when that guy finds that paperwork for that old lady. And the rest of the movie, quite nice. But that mome

nt, heroic. My dad says, "I can't handle it. So I go in and I tell the guy, I'm like, 'Get the bills, get your checkbook, we'll come into my apartment, we'll take care of this.'" So they go back into my dad's apartment and then my dad gets to call the hospital billing, fun! It's his favorite thing. So he calls the hospital billing and he's talking to this woman, he's like, "I'm talking to this woman and I was like, 'So my buddy owes you $17,000 and I'm sitting next to him, you're never gonna see

this money.'" And the hospital billing lady's like, "But he was in the hospital." And my dad's like, "You've already been paid twice, Medicare, secondary insurance, you're triple dipping. I'm sitting right next to him, he's not gonna make it. He's barely sitting up, he was in the hospital just a minute ago. Did you know that?" The woman goes, "He's not gonna make it? Could he give us like $600 over the phone with a routing number? And then we'll write it off." And my dad's like, "Yeah, we can t

otally do that." So they give him a routing number and they hang up. And my dad goes, "Now we're gonna go talk to the surgeon. He's right here in Milwaukee. I'll drive." Lincoln Town Car, '99. They get into the car at around 4:30 in the afternoon on a Thursday they drive to the surgeon's office. And my dad goes into the surgeon's office, and he goes up to the receptionist and says, "My buddy owes you 15 grand, he's here, he's got his checkbook, we'd love to talk to the surgeon." The receptionist

is like, "Please, come and sit down." So it's five to 5:00 on a Thursday, and my dad starts in with the surgeon. He's like, "Yeah, you're never gonna see this money. Look at this guy. He can barely sit up, he just had surgery." And the surgeon's like, "But I did the surgery." And he's like, "You're triple dipping. You're never going to see this money." Surgeon lasted almost an hour 15, finally said, "Give me $200, get the heck out of my office." So they write the check and they're driving home

and my dad goes, "So we're driving home and I see to the old guy, 'Let's stop at McDonald's and get a senior coffee. You could buy me a senior coffee.' Get this, guy would not buy me a senior coffee. 59 cents senior coffee, guy wouldn't do it." And I was like, "Dad, why would that guy wanna spend another heartbeat with you? You just spent five hours telling anyone who would listen that he was a dead person." He was like, "Yeah, but I just saved him like 30 grand." And I was like, "Did you do it

for the coffee?" And he's like, "Yeah. I don't need to get paid a lot, I just need something." Anyway. My father, he's a good guy. When I had breakfast with him, he said, "You know your uncle Johnny's son, Jimmy has the dream job." And I was like, "Yeah, you know I'm on TV sometimes, dad, what's the dream job?" And he goes, "He drives a cement truck." I was like, "Wait, that's the dream job?" And he goes, "Yeah, you know the truck that spins? He gets to drive that truck." I was like, "Yeah, that

's the dream job?" He said, "Yeah, he gets to drive up into buildings and pour cement." And I'm like, "Wait, driving a cement truck is the dream job?" And my dad goes, "It's the truck that spins, Jackie." So inside of my very sophisticated, 84 year old father is a toddler who would desperately like to drive a concrete mixer. I have been corrected. My dad, very different from my husband's dad. My husband's dad... Andy was raised in California but all of his family is from Mississippi. And his dad

is a very slow talker, slow talker. Even for Mississippi, Andy's dad was a slow talker. His nickname in high school was, "Speedy." It took Clyde four Mississippi to say one Mississippi. But he was a slow talking guy. And when Andy was what? Nine years old, this is gonna sound mean, but it did an amazing thing. When Andy was nine years old, his dad said to him, "Son," and he always called him that he said, "Son, before you say anything, I want you to take a look around the room and think to your

self, 'Does anyone give a shit?'" And what that did, is that created an adult man who thinks before he speaks. It's quite a delight. I was not raised by that man. I was raised by a guy who was like, "Just keep talking, eventually they'll buy windows." I do love being married though. It's been very exciting. I've learned things every day on how to be a decent person. And it's been very exciting. Here's one thing I learned in quarantine, is I did not know this, when you're in a long-term relations

hip, you get to have the sex, right? You get to do the thing. And it's all very exciting. But sometimes you wanna do the sex, but everybody's tired. Weird. Yeah, everybody's exhausted, but you still wanna do it. 'Cause whenever one person's tired, the other person can pick up the slack, but if you're both tired, it's very different. Like whenever we make the sweet, sweet love, and we do, I want him to have the best time. And whenever we make the sweet, sweet love, he wants me to have the best ti

me 'cause we like each other a great deal. But whenever we make the sweet, sweet love, and we're both exhausted, neither one of us has the best time. We have an okay time. Things happen, tab A, slot A, I'm a bottom. But I call that, that sleepy time, exhausted sex, I call that, "The sex of the Magi." 'Cause everybody's routing around looking for pocket watches and combs, and nobody's really getting what they want, but they're kind of getting, they know their heart's in the right place. That's a

Christmas joke. I am a she/her, by the way. I'm she/her, I've seen it done better, I've made peace with it. But this is a she/her. Some people are a he/him, other people are a they/them, and that is gender. That's how you wanna be treated, weird. Where was they/them when I was a kid? That's what I wanna know. 'Cause I'm a she/her, so people are a he/him, other people are a they/them. They/them is the greatest idea in the world. It's just a way to deal with sexism and racism. And you're just like

, "If you could just treat me as a stock of meat with a brain on top and quit looking at my sausage casing, that'd be outstanding." When I was a little girl, and I was, I didn't wanna be a little girl, when I was a little girl, I wanted to be a little boy or an adult woman. And for two solid years, Snoopy. And that's all gender. That's how you wanted to be treated. That's how you wanna be treated. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be treated as Huckleberry Finn, Annette Bening, and Snoopy. I

never wanted to be an adult man, that felt super busy, kind of grumpy. 'Cause the thing is, the they/them thing, you can't boss a they/them. That's my favorite thing about it. You can't say, "You can't want that, you have to want this, you're a boy." You're like, "I'm not a boy, I'm a they/them, gonna want whatever I want." "You can't be that, you have to be this, you're a girl." You're like, "I'm not a girl, I'm a they/them, gonna be whatever I can be." It's amazing. 'Cause we all just meet ea

ch other as the sausage casing we're like, "I would never sleep with that sausage casing, I will only sleep with that sausage casing. I don't enjoy that kind of sausage." Please do not use the sausage analogy for cannibalism. Okay. I am just saying that we would all like to be treated like the gold standard of sausage casings, which is your straight white guy. And your straight white guy, that's just a stack of meat with a brain on top too, but you guys, for some reason with your sausage casing

called shotgun like 7 million years ago. You get to make regrettable decisions, you get say things like, "I like beer!" And then you're on the Supreme Court. It's all very, very exhausting for the rest of us. The rest of us would love to be able to just make regrettable decisions. I have to tell you, that one of my favorite things about my husband, is that he is there. It's like, when we're not making the sweet, sweet love, we're just people. He treats me as another person, another adult human w

ho gets to make regrettable. I once probably, what was it? Two, three years ago, there was supposedly an ICE set up an immigration set up near my home. And I said to my husband, my in-laws we're in the house and so I whisper, "Hey, there's an ICE set up over on the Boulevard, I'm gonna go make sure nobody's being a hunk of junk and maybe get in the way of some bad behavior." And he goes, "Okay, I'm gonna stay here with my parents, call if you need bail money." It's been great. So, a guy might sa

y to another guy, "I'm thinking about doing something." And that second guy will go, "That's dumb." And then the first guy will go, "No, I'm gonna do it anyway." And the second guy will go, "All right." And that is the end of that conversation. A woman might say, "I'm thinking about doing something." And a guy will go, "Well, that's dumb." And then she'll say, "Well, I'm gonna do it anyway." And he'll say, "What if I got 20 other guys and we passed a law saying you could." We would like to be ig

nored please. A guy makes a regrettable decision and it's sad, your best friends never mention it again. But if you make a regrettable decision and it's sad but hilarious, your best friends never not mention it again. We would all like that. We would all enjoy that. I once YouTube-Googled the words, "Bad male decisions" on YouTube, it is a rabbit hole without a bottom, my friends. I spent a half an hour watching dudes with ladders. A ladder in a wheel barrel, a ladder on top of a goat. It was ju

st tippy ladder, right? And you can picture a guy going, "I bet you I could just get up there really fast." Bam! At no time, was there another guy going, "Hey man, don't do that." But you could picture a guy going, "Hey man, don't do that until I grab my camera." And if you YouTube-Google the words, "Bad female decisions" it's crickets. And it's not 'cause we're smart, we are not smart, we are just as dumb as you, but we can't film it, you'll lock us up. And none of that is sexuality. That's all

just gender, how you want to be treated. We all just wanna be treated like someone who wants a cup of coffee, quite honestly. But the weird thing is, is sexuality. But once you've opened it up, that gender thing, once you've opened it up, your sexuality can be more exciting, right? 'Cause when it comes time to pick who you're gonna squish with, right? 'Cause you can squish with whomever you wish. But you might say, "I am attracted to the Brawny paper towel guy and the Swiss Miss lady and a gumm

y bear, or none of it. I myself, have always dressed like the men that I'm attracted to. There's trouble there, but it's okay. I can't actually dress like my husband now, he's far too dapper. But when I was like 13 or 14, when I started becoming attracted to young men, I would see a fella. I would see a dude across the room, I'd see a young man and I'd be like, "What is happening there? 'Cause whatever's happening there, is also weirdly happening here. Whatever that is, is giving me the Peter ti

ngles back this direction. What on earth is..." Would I then take that energy and go approach that young man and try to get with that fella? I would not. Instead, I would take that energy, go home and try to find the coat that he was wearing to purchase. I owned Carhartts, I've always owned corduroys and Carhartts and cargo shorts. It just means that I like community college professors, guys that could fix things and soccer dad, father of three. My sexuality... My husband for a couple of years i

n college identified as bisexual. And for many years, my sexuality, was drunk. But now that we are married, our sexuality, I like to think of it as, monogamy. And I'm like, "Let's do that. And then if you don't want to, let me know." Anyway, so. "And if I don't want to, I'll let you know. And then we can move forward from there." Sexuality is so much different. Some people feel like a man, or they feel like a woman. I do not. The sexiest I feel, the most like a woman I feel, is literally when I'

m having the sex. The rest of the time I just feel like a people, right? Just wondering what you're reading. And it turns out, memoirs. Weird. A lot of memoirs and the internet. I would warn you about the internet. Second half, super dirty. Okay. But I was thinking about my sexuality and my sexuality, I was reminded that Schrodinger had a cat. And Schrodinger did not hurt his cat, he just had a theory about the cat. And the theory was this, if you put a cat in a box, you close the box, you put g

as in the box, that cat might be alive, that cat might be dead. You cannot know until you open that box. That is my sexuality. You don't know what my sexuality is until you're inside me. And then all of a sudden you're like, "Holy smokes, I'm having sex with a cat. Why is that cat wearing corduroys?" I will leave you on this, which is about a year and a half ago I was in a hotel room and one of my earrings fell on the floor of the hotel room. Now, traditionally, when anything falls on the floor

of a hotel room, that no longer belongs to you, that belongs to the hotel. But I liked those hearings so I went down, looking for it, hands and knees looking for the earring, found it underneath the bed, right next to something that looked like a hair tie. Yeah, wasn't my hair tie. Wasn't my hair tie a different color, but I picked it up to throw it out anyway 'cause that is how I live my life, punched in doing side work, hoping not to lose shifts. And I picked it up and it turns out it is somet

hing called a, "Cock ring." Now, I have had this hand replaced. And quite honestly, anything can be a hair tie if you're brave enough. Threw it away. And I called my husband a couple of hours later and he said, "Ew, gross. Was it used? Did it look like it had a lot of miles on it?" What? Yes, it was foul. It was disgusting. Miles, I don't know for miles. Here's what I know. I once read an article that said that the average length of an erect mail penis is six inches, do not at me. There are 5,28

0 feet in one mile. There might've been one mile in this thing. 10,560 strokes. A lot of people, you take something... What I like to do is take a joke, might've been gross, turned it into a weird math joke. Do you guys remember that, about how many feet were in a mile? Now you do. All right, thanks a lot you guys. Have a good night. Take care. - [Announcer] Jackie Kashian.