Jason Salmon: Biscuits & Gravity (2023) | Full Comedy Special

(audience applauding) - [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Jason Salmon. (audience applauding) - Oh, thank you for coming out. I appreciate it. For those of y'all who know me, thank you so much. For those who don't, I want to get this off the table right up front. I look racist, I know that. (audience laughing) I'm not, I'm not. But I understand, it's how my head's shaped. (audience laughing) Think about it, if I had come up here and the first thing I said was I love black people, everybody in he

re would be like, this feels weirdly uncomfortable when you say that. (audience laughing) My friends tell me, they're like, Jason, just shave. (audience laughing) Then you won't look racist. (audience laughing) That's not true at all, it's not. I will still look racist. (audience laughing) I just won't look ignorant anymore, (audience laughing) which is way worse. I think it's better to look like you're headed to a rally than to look like you organized the rally. (audience laughing) And I just h

ave one real quick favor to ask of all you normal looking white people, can you just not do racist stuff? Please don't. 'Cause guess who gets asked about it first? (audience laughing) Yeah. And probably you occasionally, maybe. (audience laughing) - You know. (audience laughing) Yeah. And I've spent all my time explaining how I'm not racist. And you know what sounds terrible coming outta this face? The phrase I'm not racist. (audience laughing) Yeah, 'cause most people think I'm only halfway don

e with that sentence. (audience laughing) But I look like this 'cause I'm from Texas. That's what this is. This is what hours inside a football helmet under extreme heat will do to the human head. (audience laughing) I actually grew this facial hair for my parents. So they would know that if need be, I could work the land. (audience laughing) But I do understand that I look like the enemy. I do, not just racially. I look like every enemy. Whatever your cause is, I look like the picture on your p

oster board with the red line through it. I understand that. I can't wear a sweater vest and walk past a playground on the same day. Do you understand what I'm saying? (audience laughing) I don't like watching the news anymore 'cause when they introduce a new villain, there's a one in three shot he looks like me. That's not... (audience laughing) I found out this year I look like a Russian arms dealer. That was a bad news day for me. (audience laughing) And the Me Too movement happened. Or since

I'm a guy, the you maybe movement. (audience laughing) And I had to look back on my relationships. I had to think, was I sensitive to their needs? Did I communicate well? I know I wasn't equipped (audience laughing) because I learned about the birds and the bees from my dad, who is not what I would consider a nuanced thinker when it comes to human intimacy. My dad grew up around cattle. (audience laughing) There weren't a lot of times we discussed women where he didn't use the word haunches. (a

udience laughing) For those of y'all who don't know what haunches are, that is the fleshy part around the hind quarter, all right. And for those of y'all who don't know how women work, do not ever use the terms fleshy, hind quarter, or haunches if you ever want one to follow you home. It's not gonna happen. (audience laughing) I realize I learned about electricity before I learned the birds and the bees, and I'm pretty sure that's the wrong order. I am. I mean it makes sense at first you got the

male component, the plug, right? And the female component, the outlet. But after that it goes off the rails. (audience laughing) I mean that plug's got two prongs. That's double what I'm bringing to the table already. (audience laughing) And those outlets, when I was growing up, they all looked exactly the same and they behaved exactly the same. And all you ever had to do is plug that thing in and everything turns on. And that is not how that works at all. (audience laughing) If those outlets w

ere more accurately feminine, they would've buttons, and toggle switches, (audience laughing) and knobs that you just have to find. And some you push, and some you stroke, and some you just whisper to. (audience laughing) Sometimes you just gotta sit by the outlet and talk to it for a while, see how its day's going. Every once in a while you're gonna plug that thing in. Lights gonna pretend to turn on and you gotta roll with it. (audience laughing) Yeah, I'm not saying I know how parents should

talk to their kids about this stuff. I don't. I'm just saying maybe do it before you teach 'em to install a ceiling fan. That's probably a better move. (audience laughing) But don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining. I love my life. I love that I live in New York City being from Texas. 'Cause every time somebody finds out, I get a reaction immediately. Something like "Clear Eyes, Full Hearts." That's fun. That's a fun one, right? It's gotten a little weirder of late. Somebody hears I'm from Texa

s, they'll be like, "Blessed be the fruit." I don't know how it- (audience laughing) exactly. You know? I'm like, all right, that's fair, that's fair. I get it. Because people think Texans are as mean as our politicians. They do. And we're not, we're not. We do like to go to Cancun in the winter. That part's true. (audience laughing) But most Texans I know are kind, sweet, empathetic people. I'm very empathetic. I am. My pronouns are you and y'all. I mean, come on. (audience laughing) But I do l

ove that I grew up in Texas. I've spent most of my professional life in New York City 'cause those are the two places in America that most tie their identity to their geography. People from Texas love to tell you about that, makes 'em feel tough. People from New York City love to tell you that, makes 'em feel smart. And I've lived in both places and I can tell you that neither one of those is accurate at all. (audience laughing) I know a lot of dumb New Yorkers and a lot of Texans who are afraid

of chihuahuas. (audience laughing) Or as my friends in Texas pronounce it chihuahuas. (audience laughing) Yeah, because that's a Spanish word. And in Texas we refuse to speak any language other than English. And that includes proper English. (audience laughing) Which we consider technically British. (audience laughing) But I am glad that I grew up that way, I am. And I think I'm fortunate to have grown up Generation X too. We got any Gen Xers in here? (audience applauding) Yeah, I don't even ca

re. (audience laughing) That's how Gen X I am. That's a calling card of our generation, right? It's not even dismissive to a Gen Xer. He is like, "I don't care, I don't care also, nice to meet you." (audience laughing) What generation are you? It doesn't matter, I don't care. That's the beautiful thing. That's the beautiful thing. If y'all don't like this joke, guess what? You're only gonna gimme more cred as a Gen Xer. You'll only make me more powerful. (audience laughing) But we are a lucky ge

neration. We're the only generation currently alive that didn't spend our youth with America at war. Think about that. Boomers had Vietnam, millennials, everybody after, Afghanistan. We had this long stretch of relative peace. I mean, George Bush sent a few guys to Kuwait for like a long weekend. It's like, all right, was that a war? Not by American standards. That was not a war. Felt like more of an excursion, to be honest. (audience laughing) By the way, we had the best George Bush, Generation

X. We had the George Bush that wore glasses and had exit strategies. (audience laughing) That was a better model of George Bush. In Gen X, we call that George Bush classic. (audience laughing) But it's easy to spot that we're a lucky generation 'cause we're sandwiched between the two most dynamically angry generations currently alive. We are. Boomers and millennials hate each other. They do. (audience laughing) I hear it all the time. It's like, "You're an idiot." "No, you're an idiot." I'm lik

e, "Hey, you're both right." (audience laughing) Chill out, chill out. (audience applauding) But I get it, I get why they're two angry generations 'cause these are two generations experience these huge swings between human achievement and human disappointment, right? Boomers established civil rights, fair housing. But in order to get there, there were assassinations, race riots, KKK. Millennials elected the first black president in American history and then they elected the next president (audie

nce laughing) who brought back race riots and the KKK. I mean it's just full circle. (audience laughing) And then in the middle, Gen X, we just watched "Soul Train" and listened to hip hop, and fell in love with Oprah, and all the Michaels. (audience laughing) It was a great generation for Michaels in America. We had Tyson, Jordan, Jackson. Generation X had the best Michael Jackson. We had moonwalk Michael Jackson, that is the greatest Michael Jackson ever. Boomers, you had little Michael Jackso

n, Jackson 5, cute, talented, but nowhere near "Thriller" level Michael Jackson. Millennials, y'all had documentary Michael Jackson. (audience laughing) No. (audience applauding) That is a confusing applause point. I gotta be honest with you. (audience laughing) But that's the thing, millennials had the worst of a lot of things. They did. Millennials introduced ghosting to the world as a way to end a relationship. (audience laughing) In Gen X ghosting just meant that Demi Moore's boyfriend had t

o die to become remotely interested in her pottery hobby. (audience laughing) And I hear people criticize millennials for being the participation trophy generation. But I have to remind 'em, this is a generation that grew up in the shadow of 911. They graduate college at the '08 financial crash. They finally climb out of their parents' basement and the whole world just shuts down for two years. They experience a lifetime flood, or fire, or recession almost every year. (audience laughing) If that

's what they've got to participate in, give them a trophy, just give 'em a trophy. I'm glad some of 'em are still participating, to be honest with you. (audience laughing) Because I think the key to understanding a generation is you've gotta understand the world that they grew up in. People say millennials are self-involved, we're all self-involved. It's just that millennials learn to embrace it and that's disturbing to the rest of us. I understand that. (audience laughing) But it's not a charac

ter flaw, it's a product of their environment. Think about it. Millennials grew up with GPS. Every time they went on a journey sitting next to them was this robot navigation butler just whispering precise step by step instructions in the soothing voice of their choosing. (audience laughing) And then when they look at the map, it's telling them that they are the center of the universe. (audience laughing) No matter how far they go or which direction they're headed, they're just this bright blue o

rb of hope that the entire world just arranges itself around. That's gonna mess with your sense of self. It is. And of course it's gonna irritate boomers 'cause every time they went on a trip, the thing given them directions was a disappointed spouse or parent. (audience laughing) And not in the voice of their choosing, but in the voice they hated most in the whole world. (audience laughing) That's why boomers will never be fully comfortable around a GPS. It's just too nice. (audience laughing)

Have you ever been in the car with a boomer and a GPS at the same time? It is a fight to the death. That is navigational Highlander in that car. I'll be driving down the road with my mom and that GPS is like turn right in a thousand feet. And my mom's like, "Don't you do it, don't you dare turn right." And I'm like, "Mom, I love you, but I'm gonna go with the thing that can see traffic from the sky today. That's how we're doing this journey." (audience laughing) But I understand her perspective

too as a boomer. 'Cause when boomers went on trips, they had to know things, they had to have skills. They had to start preparing the night before by unfolding a map that was sometimes the size of their house. (audience laughing) And the first thing they had to do was figure out where they even were on the map. Think about that. If every time you went on a trip, your first step was to find yourself, (audience laughing) do you realize the level of existential stability that requires? That's why e

very time a boomer reaches their destination, their first 10 minutes of conversation is just, how did you get here? (audience laughing) But I grew up Generation X, one foot in both worlds. I knew technology was great, but also stupid 'cause I had MapQuest. Yeah, I had to start preparing the night before too, but just by printing out 28 pages. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) And the first 17 of 'em were just to get off the street that I lived on. That's stupid, that's stupid. (audience

laughing) (chuckles) But I understand, I understand. Generation X, we were in that sweet spot in American history after the boomers had taught us to just say no, but before millennials had taught us that no meant no. (audience laughing) So we were having a good time. We were. Because millennials know so many things and they care about so many things. And boomers, you know like 10 things and you only care about four of them. And Gen X, I grew up going to schools filled with lead paint and asbesto

s. And I thought the things I should fear most were Y2K and quicksand so- (audience laughing) I feel like all of that was a lie. (audience laughing) Because it's about your access to information. These are three generation that are defined by that access to information. Boomers, three channels, that's not nearly enough information. Somebody's gonna gaslight you. (audience laughing) Millennials, YouTube, that's way too much information. You're gonna gaslight yourself. (audience laughing) Generati

on X was a generation that realized that 200 channels is the perfect amount of information for the human brain to process without imploding on itself. Yeah, we had a Big Bird, and a crime dog, and a bear that was trying to pin the blame for forest fires on us. (audience laughing) Our guns had roses, our bologna had a first name. It was a nice, (audience laughing) it was a nice era of information. It was. (audience laughing) And that's why we understand that millennials and boomers will never ful

ly be able to connect with each other. They won't. These are two vastly different generations. Boomers experienced Spider-Man only as a comic book. And millennials think that his superpower is that every time he takes off his mask, he's a different actor. That's too big of a chasm. It is. So I feel like it's my job to translate between the generations. I have those conversations. I talked to my dad about gender. Yeah, this is a thing that his whole life was a true/false question. And I had to te

ll him, "No, it's an essay now." (audience laughing) This is a man who gave up on technology when DVDs came out, okay. He is not ready for this conversation all by himself. To tell him that gender is on a spectrum. He grew up watching black and white television. He didn't even realize color was on a spectrum until he was in college. (audience laughing) Now I gotta tell him, there's a lot of things on the spectrum. Gender. Most of my friends in comedy. It's a wild world out there. It really is. (

audience laughing) His favorite athlete, Bruce Jenner. (audience laughing) Yeah. - Yes. - Yeah. I had to sit my father down and explain Bruce Jenner no longer exists. (audience laughing) He's like, "Bruce Jenner's dead?" And I'm like, "No, way more complicated, way more complicated." (audience laughing) But he asked questions, he asked questions, and I credit him for that. He did. Some of them were easy. He was like, "How do you spell Caitlin?" I'm like, "Don't worry about it. I don't think anyb

ody knows how to spell Caitlin, to be honest." (audience laughing) But he asked me about gender reassignment surgery. And that is a much harder question. It is. And I can't possibly understand fully the plight of a transgender person in America. But I did grow up Generation X with the gender fluid music of Boy George, David Bowie, Prince. (audience laughing) So I might not understand what you're saying, but I'm still gonna listen 'cause I'm not missing the next "Purple Rain." I swear, I'm not. (

audience laughing) So I tried to explain it in terms he would understand. He's like, "What's gender reassignment surgery?" I'm like, "It's sort of like Uncle Andy." Uncle Andy had gastric bypass surgery. (audience laughing) A transgender person looks in the mirror, they're like, "I don't feel like the person I see in the mirror." And one day Uncle Andy looked in the mirror, he's like, "I don't feel like a heavy person. I feel like a slender person." And then he went and had surgery and he became

a slender person. It's basically gender reassignment, dad. It's basically... (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Uncle Andy's essentially transgender but with cellulite. (audience laughing) Now was that an oversimplification? Yes, of course it was. But it taught him what he needed to know about the subject. 'Cause now when he hears the term transgender, he doesn't get angry about some random public restroom somewhere in America. He thinks about the time he went fishing with Uncle Andy. He

is like, "I don't know, I'm okay with it. Whatever." (audience laughing) I mean it did get weird the first time he saw Uncle Andy after that 'cause I think he conflated both of those things into one thing. He just walks up, he hugs him. He is like, "You can use whatever bathroom you want while you're here." (audience laughing) Like, I'm pretty sure that's how all the bathrooms work in our house anyway, dad. I think he called his shirt a blouse a few times. (audience laughing) He may have used t

he term translender. I can't remember. (audience laughing) But the fact is, he was trying to understand a world that he didn't come from. And I respect that. And I've tried to emulate that as best I can. Because sometimes the things you figure out when you go into those worlds is that those are the things you like the most. You know what I love to do right now? Get pedicures. I did not see that coming in my life. I didn't. How many guys in here get pedicures? Yeah, absolutely. I'll tell you righ

t now, if you're a man who came here with a woman, she wishes you would. She does. (audience laughing) I only say that 'cause every pedicure I've ever gotten has been an ultimatum. It's been some version of some woman going, "You are not coming in here while it looks like you could shimmy up a telephone pole with those feet." (audience laughing) I was flattered she got all the way to my feet before it was a no-go. I was, I was. I've seen a lot of guys in my time, most of 'em somewhere between th

e forehead and their naval is a definite deal breaker. She got to my feet before she knicksed it, that's a win in my book. It is. (audience laughing) And men you should listen to women when they tell you about your feet 'cause women know how to judge feet. Women judge their feet by looking at the feet of other women. Beautiful women, celebrities, models. Men, we judge our feet by looking at the feet of furniture, I think. (audience laughing) I don't know how else we reach the conclusions we do.

It's like we look down, we're like, "Well, it's mobile. And when I slide across the floor, nothing scratches. That's a solid foot, right?" No, no. That's a foot that needs help. (audience laughing) And I knew I needed help. I did. And I knew I couldn't do it myself. 'Cause I can't hold my leg like that for any length of time at all. I will spasm. And it's not a young person's spasm either, you know, where you kick three times and everything's okay? No. (audience laughing) It's an old person's sp

asm where you kick three times and then you just suddenly can't turn your head to the right for the next week and a half. You're like, "I dunno what I just did to my body, but I'll never be the same again." And I don't understand how toenails work. 'Cause toenails do not obey the laws of physics and gravity that I was taught in school. Nobody clips a toenail and it falls directly to the earth like Newton said it would. (audience laughing) No. Clip a toenail, just flies off into the world, like a

toe falcon. I don't know what's going on there. (audience laughing) It's like I opened a door and it had a to-do list. It's like, where is it? I don't know. I assume it's with friends. I don't know how to process this right now. It was yearning to be free. I feel like I should be a little happy. I don't know what to feel. (audience laughing) I never know exactly what to think until my girlfriend gets home and she's like, "Why is there a toenail in my toothbrush?" (audience laughing) (audience g

roaning) Yeah, you should groan 'cause I was not in the bathroom when I clipped that thing, all right. Yeah, that means that toenail turned a corner. That should terrify you as a sentient human. (audience laughing) And that's when I knew I needed professional help. I did. So I went to my first nail salon, upper west side of Manhattan. I walked in there and it was weird. (audience laughing) It was. Not just for me, for everybody. (audience laughing) Because I walk in there, my trucker hat, and my

sleeveless shirt, and those women are like, "Something is about to go terribly wrong." (audience laughing) Which felt judgey. It felt judgey until I caught my reflection in the mirror. I'm like, "Ah, I see what you see. All right, okay." Yeah, 'cause I don't look like a dude who gets his feet done at a nail place. I don't. I look like a dude who's injured his feet with a nail gun. I get that. (audience laughing) And you could tell they were perplexed too 'cause they said, "May I help you?" But

it wasn't a customer service may I help you. You know, like you came here, how can I help you get the thing you came here for? (audience laughing) - It was more defensive may I help you. Like you came here, where did you think you were going? (audience laughing) You smelled polish, you thought it was paint. The hardware store's across the street. We'll get, we'll walk you over there as a team. (audience laughing) They were perplexed, I was perplexed. It was a standstill. So I just said what the

woman in front of me said, I said, "Don't cut the cuticles." (audience laughing) It worked for her so I tried it. I gotta be honest, I don't know what cuticles are. Sounds like a frozen treat for kids. (audience laughing) It's like Jenny's hungry. "Well, get her a cuticle, dinner's in an hour, she'll be fine." (audience laughing) But I said it and they just pointed me to a chair. Like, I'd unlocked some sort of secret password at the nail salon. It was great. And it was an amazing experience. It

was. In part because I found out I am ticklish in my feet. I did. I'm just sitting there laughing and giggling and that woman's down there just sawing, and chopping, and scraping (audience laughing) like a craftsman trying to fashion a decent chair out of a tree she found in the swamp, you know? (audience laughing) And then in the middle of it, they just give you a free leg massage. Did you know this? They give you a free leg massage. Why are more businesses not incorporating this? (audience la

ughing) If my dentist gave free leg massages, I would have impeccable oral health right now. (audience laughing) And also if it's your first time, it's not only a free leg massage, it is a surprise leg massage. (audience laughing) Woman working with me did not tell me it was coming. She just held up a box with five minutes on it, hit a button and started a countdown. And that was unsettling. It was. (audience laughing) I'm not sure how you should announce a free leg massage. Just maybe not the s

ame way you would end a 007 movie. That just felt wrong. (audience laughing) But it was great. They're down there just laughing, and giggling, and speaking Korean to each other. And I'm up there laughing, and giggling, and enjoying my sensual leg journey. And the three women beside me are terrified 'cause they think that those women are talking about 'em, and that I understand what they're saying. (audience laughing) Yeah, it was real weird. And I don't even care if they're talking about me 'cau

se I walked in there fully aware that my feet are an abomination to God and nature. If you're not mocking in or criticizing my feet, I don't even know if I could trust you as a nail technician, to be honest. (audience laughing) They're laughing and giggling and I'm laughing and giggling, and at one point I just locked eyes with my nail tech. I'm like, "Right." (audience laughing) And that's when everything stopped (audience laughing) because suddenly they thought I knew what they were talking ab

out. It got real weird. It got real weird. (audience laughing) (chuckles) But I think it made me a better man, I really do. 'Cause I walked in that nail salon, just a simple country boy who didn't understand how feet worked. (audience laughing) And I walked out of there an international man of espionage who understands fluent Korean. That was a solid upgrade to my resume. It really was. (audience applauding) (Jason chuckles) Look, I continue to get pedicures. I do. I do it for my girlfriend. It'

s the least I can do. She's helped me in so many ways. She helped me understand that women, y'all think about things in complex, and layered, and connected ways. And you'll see a guy you're interested in, you'll be like, "I bet he's got that in there somewhere." (audience laughing) He does not, he does not. On the flip side guys, you'll see a woman you're interested in. You're like, "I bet she wants a massage." No, also, no, don't do that. (audience laughing) That's how hashtags were invented. D

on't become one. (audience laughing) But I think we're lucky, I really do because we understand, you know, she and I do, not each other, not each other at all. But we understand that we may never understand each other. And I think that's a good first step. It is. We understand that the key to true happiness in a relationship is just two completely separate definitions of the word happiness. (audience laughing) You know, you do what you love, I'll do what I love. We'll meet later and watch some T

V 'cause that's what we're best at. (audience laughing) 'Cause we're past the Netflix and chill portion of our relationship. We're at the Netflix and see who falls asleep first portion of our relationship. (audience laughing) And she tells me, she's like, "I worry that I'm boring." And I'm like, "Why would you worry about that? I mean, you are boring. That's true." (audience laughing) "But that's what I want, that's what I want. The fact that I don't have healthcare is all the excitement I need

in my life right now." (audience laughing) Because when you're young, excitement's like riding a roller coaster. You get older, excitement's like riding a roller coaster with sciatica. It's a different story. (audience laughing) We'll walk through the park together, we'll see a young couple making out on the park bench. That's, we're not inspired by that. That's not relationship goals for us. We look at that couple, we're like, one of them is probably gonna stab the other one at some point. (aud

ience laughing) That's just way too much outdoor passion. Doesn't feel healthy. We look over at the other bench with the old couple, arms wrapped around each other, just exfoliating one another like animals. (audience laughing) We're like, that's us. That's who we want to be right there. Because when you get down to it, that's what it is. You're just two animals trying to take care of each other for as long as you can. That's what relationships end up being and it's nice. It is. I know that I wi

ll rarely have a conversation with her where she doesn't lose eye contact completely and just start focusing on something wrong with my face. (audience laughing) She's like, "What's going on, what's going on?" (audience laughing) 'Cause she thinks that's part of her job in our relationship to just never let me leave the house looking like I don't live in a house. (audience laughing) And I know that sometimes being with her is gonna be like being with a possessive chihuahua. It is. I'm gonna see

those eyes widening and the teeth snarl and (snarls) you know, like, I'm like, look, I know she can't hurt me, but this is gonna be a lot of work. It is. (audience laughing) But it's good, it's good. I like that we're at that point in our relationship. And look, she is the clean one, the neat one, the organized one. That's great. It manifests weirdly occasionally. Like, this is the first time I've ever been in a place where some of the trash cans are decorative. (audience laughing) That's a weir

d discovery to make. It is. You just throw trash in a trash can. You hear a voice behind you, "Go take that out." (audience laughing) I'm like, "First of all, what are you doing behind me? That's creepy. That's creepy. Second of all, that's trash, right?" She's like, "Yeah." And I'm like, "That's a trashcan, right?" She's like, "Yeah." And I'm like, "I feel like this conversation should be over." (audience laughing) It's not. It's not, okay, it's not. (audience laughing) And that's the thing. We

think about things way differently. We do. If you ask her what she wants, she'll tell you, I want something that helps me grow, and evolve, and become better every single day, but still allows me to be the person I've always been. And I'm like, "What?" (audience laughing) Did we even go anywhere in that sentence? I don't know what just happened. (audience laughing) You ask me what I want, nine times outta 10, it's like tacos. I want tacos. Is that possible? Can we do that, please? And I want to

, I want to understand her. One day she came home, we sat down on the couch. I'm like, "I want you to tell me what's going on in your life." And she started to tell me this story and I'm like, "I'm out, I'm out." I can't, I can't. I wanted to, I wanted to. Turns out I'm not equipped. I'm not. (audience laughing) Because I tell stories for a living. And when she starts a story, it hasn't been fully formed in her head yet. (audience laughing) So there's all sorts of loose threads and unresolved pl

ot lines. (audience laughing) Last story she told me, she brought up Jamie from work. Then Jamie just never made it back in the resolution. (audience laughing) At the end of the story I'm like, "What happened to Jamie?" (audience laughing) She's like, "Who's Jamie?" I'm like. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) Clearly a plot device, I guess. I don't know why you're using literary tricks. That seems unfair. (audience laughing) But we try, we try to understand each other, try to get along.

That's what you really want to do, right? In your relationships. And you think it's gonna be easy. You think it's gonna be like communicating with a peer. But I gotta be honest with you, if men and women didn't fit together physically, I think we might be mortal enemies in nature. We might. (audience laughing) So you gotta figure out ways to translate it in a relationship. This is what I found out. Men, if you're trying to talk to a woman, just add two things that you think have nothing to do wi

th the topic you are discussing that will get you closer to where she is. I promise. (audience laughing) And women, when you're talking to a guy, just take the two things you think are most important, toss 'em out. He hadn't thought of either of 'em. I can almost guarantee it, I can almost guarantee it. (audience laughing) My girlfriend's figured it out with me. She has. She loves me like I'm a dog. (audience laughing) And that's true, I'm very canine. I am. I sit down, I'll fall right asleep. (

audience laughing) You put food in front of me, gone immediately. I don't like exercise unless there's a ball involved. How about that? (audience laughing) And she recognized that and she's like, "I'm gonna rub his belly occasionally and feed him and he's gonna do what I tell him to." And she's right, I do. (audience laughing) It's true, it's true. (audience applauding) But it's not the same way going the other direction. It's not. I'm a dog, she must be a cat, right? No, not even close. Men if

we're dogs then women, they're like lasers. (audience laughing) Just these intense concentrations of light and energy that are so complex and dynamic that they will change your life in ways you can't even even imagine or destroy you completely. One of those two things. And have you ever seen a dog around a laser? It has no idea what's going on there. It doesn't. It's like, it will follow that thing around all day long. Won't it? It's like I just want this laser to love me the way I love this las

er. (audience laughing) It looks so good and red. And I'm not saying by the way that men are dumb and women are smart. We're all dumb. Women, you're just more complicated about it. That's all. (audience laughing) If I were gonna sum it up quickly, I would say it like this. Women, you think about things more complexly and guys we will say stuff like complexly without even knowing if that's a real word. (audience laughing) That's basically it. I said it into a mic. Y'all are like that sounds offic

ial, you know? That's what it's like being a man sometimes. (audience laughing) But she's helped me a ton. She was with me during the pandemic, that was great. She's in the health industry. She got her vaccination right away. I was a little hesitant. I was. I'm like, "I don't know what's in it." She's like, "But you eat food in America." And I'm like, "Hmm, it's a good point." (audience laughing) (audience applauding) She's like, "Is there anything you love that you don't know what's in it?" I'm

like, "You got me." Store-bought French onion dip. (audience laughing) Touche. I say that 'cause the onions are French. (audience laughing) But I don't know what's in it, I don't. It's on the side of the package. I've read the side of the package. I still don't know what's in it. Those words are so long. They are. I think one of 'em might have been hydroxychloroquine. I don't know. (audience laughing) It might be the vaccine. I can't be certain. Probably not, probably not. 'Cause every time I e

at it I feel like I have long COVID for the whole weekend so... (audience laughing) But she showed me, there's a lot of ways that I was well-suited for the pandemic. I have this compulsion to comfort people. And I live in New York City, which is a terrible city to have that compulsion 'cause there's a ton of people in need of a lot of comfort in that city. Every time somebody sneezes, I have to say bless you. I can't not do it. Think about that. Every time that mucus exits a human nose, (audienc

e laughing) I have to remind him that Jesus cares. (audience laughing) That's a lot to carry around with you all the time. (audience laughing) But not during a global airborne pandemic. Are you kidding me? You would sneeze, I'd be like, "You know what you did. You know what you did." (audience laughing) You know. It was so much easier just to judge people. I was excited. (audience laughing) I enjoyed the masks, I did. Partly because the bottom half of my face is by far the most disappointing hal

f of my face. (audience laughing) I'm looking around this room tonight folks, I'm not alone in here, I'm not. I'm not gonna point anybody out specifically, but there's a few of y'all. Just keep that mask in rotation, all right? Yeah. Do it for your friends. Give 'em a break from you. You're a lot. (audience laughing) I wore the mask in the summer of 2020. I was part of a couple social justice marches, wore that mask. It was nice 'cause it changed my vibe considerably. It did. This is the first t

ime I've ever been part of one of those marches and not look like the enemy of the thing they were marching for. (audience laughing) I walk out there with that mask. People are looking at me, they're like, "Oh, benevolent surgeon. We like this guy." (audience laughing) "He's an ally." I take that mask off, Confederate General is what I'm giving off. (audience laughing) Yeah, like hardcore confederate too. Like, one day I stood still for a little too long and some college kids tried to topple me.

(audience laughing) It was a weird summer. It was a weird summer. (audience laughing) But it was a good summer too. It really was. Summer of 2020 was my favorite summer for weddings 'cause I got invited to four weddings and I went to zero weddings. It was the best. It was so nice. (audience applauding) It was so nice. 'Cause weddings baffle me, they do. The last wedding I went to was my cousin's wedding and it was a celebration of her life and I've known her, her whole life. I'm not sure we sho

uld have been celebrating that, to be honest. I think if we had done it properly, it could have been an intervention for her life. (audience laughing) She just walks down that middle aisle in her white dress. We're like, "We're glad you came. Have a seat." (audience laughing) I think the only wedding I fully understood that I attended was one gay wedding I went to. Those two dudes were like, we're having appetizers, and then we're gonna have a small ceremony, and then we're gonna have a bigger m

eal while we watch the game. And I'm like, "I want this to be my life every day." (audience laughing) But every heterosexual wedding I've ever went to, I'm singing this song in my head. ♪ Who's gonna ruin the other one's life first ♪ It is. And not because it's doomed to happen. It's just that that day is so vastly different for the man and the woman. You don't have to look any further than the clothing. The woman searches for months, sometimes years, thumbing through catalogs, consulting friend

s, scheduling fittings, and the guy just rents his clothes. (audience laughing) There's no greater tribute to the absurdity of that day than for the man to say, "Look, I'm not nearly as handsome or successful as you want your friends and family to believe that I am. So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna rent a success costume from another man" (audience laughing) "and we'll see if we can pull this ruse off until we can get to the honeymoon." (audience laughing) The dress, I don't even get the concep

t fully. The dress. Women, you wear it once, you put it away, you never see it again. You call it the dress. If I have any article of clothing I refer to as the article of clothing, I wear it three, four times a week. Easy. (audience laughing) And I know, I know, I'll never fully understand it. I know I have to accept that society has told women that it's supposed to be this thing that tells a story of who she is and where she came from. And it's this portal to where she's going and how her life

is supposed to turn out. (audience laughing) And as a dude, we just have to dress just that much better than the caterers. That's it. (audience laughing) That's why men have no power on their wedding day. You don't deserve it. Not unless you go back in the kitchen. You're like, Hey, we need more shrimp, you know. (audience laughing) Like, "Is he our boss?" "I don't know, maybe. He's wearing our uniform, he could be." (audience laughing) The dress. The vowels, the vowels, those are wild. Because

we all know the words, we do, by rote memory. Last wedding I went to, I accidentally put my hand over my heart during the vows. (audience laughing) That was... We know the words. I'm an actor. If I know your lines, I'm judging your performance. (audience laughing) I've been at some weddings where I'm like, "Eh, this does not feel like he loves her at all." (audience laughing) Can we get an understudy in there so she can have a decent day at least? (audience laughing) We do, we know all the word

s. And they're all over the place. They really are, you know. Like, some of 'em I get, like for richer or for poorer. That's like, hey, we couldn't afford a prenup, let's do a real quick one here at the altar. (audience laughing) In sickness and in health. That's a tricky one 'cause you think the sickness part is the hard part. If somebody gets sick, you stay with 'em. You're a hero. They'll do news stories. You play your cards right, you might meet Oprah. (audience laughing) It's the health par

t that's tricky. (audience laughing) You ever been with somebody who just suddenly got into vegan baking? Hmm, that's a tough one. (audience laughing) If you stay with that person, you're a martyr in my book. (audience laughing) But the worst one of all of them, to have and to hold. That's the one, that's creepy. It's a creepy vow. If you don't believe me, if you're a single guy, try that as a pickup line at a bar. Just walk up to a woman and go, "Hey, I want to have you and hold you." (audience

laughing) It's not gonna work out well, at all. Best case scenario, that's a clingy guy without adequate heating. Worst case, that is an abduction. It is. (audience laughing) I don't know, I don't know. Maybe the fix is that we just have, we do something different. Mix it up. Maybe, how about this? Each person brings one vow that nobody knows is coming. I think that would be fun. It would. And we don't know if the other person is gonna agree to that vow. (audience laughing) Yeah, now it's getti

ng interesting, isn't it? And if they don't agree, they have to negotiate it right there at the altar. (audience laughing) Maybe not romantic, but I'll tell you right now, we leave that wedding, we're gonna know a lot better how that marriage is gonna work out. (audience laughing) Maybe what we should do is the opposite. Take away all the ceremony. Just have each person get up there at the altar and just say the craziest thing they're gonna do over the course of their whole marriage. See if the

other one's on board with it. (audience laughing) And instead of, I do 'cause that's a lot of certainty, maybe something more realistic. Like, I get it. (audience laughing) Like, do you take this man despite the fact that for the rest of his life he's gonna know the height, weight, bench press, and 40 time of the top five NFL draft picks of that year? (audience laughing) But he will sometimes forget where your children are. (audience laughing) And she's like, "I get it, I get it. That sounds exa

ctly like him. It does." And do you take this woman despite the fact that one morning she's gonna wake up angry at you for something you did in her dream? (audience laughing) And he's like, "I get it." And like 17 other guys are like, "I also get that. What's that about? I don't know." (audience laughing) But those people get it, they should be together, right? - [Audience Member] Yeah. - And look, some people think I'm cynical about weddings. I'm not. I just don't understand, I just don't under

stand. And I don't think I'm equipped to, I haven't been since I was a little kid. And I think that because I was recently with my buddy when he was announcing to all his nieces and nephews that he was getting married. And as soon as he did it, all the nieces stand up, they're like, "I wanna be a flower girl, I wanna be a flower girl." Then the nephew stood up, he's like, "I wanna be a wolf." (audience laughing) Yeah, I think that kid gets it. I do. Is that on the table? Because I would also lik

e to be a wolf. I don't know if we're taking volunteers. Why aren't there more wolves at weddings? Is anybody asking this question? Because I'm curious now, I'm curious. (audience laughing) 'Cause the little girl's like, "I want to pretend to be a princess and throw flowers down so that a grown woman, who's also pretending to be a princess, doesn't have to step on the ground." And people are like, "That's an amazing idea. We gotta put that in a ceremony. That's gonna be lovely. People gonna talk

about going home." (audience laughing) Then a little boy is like, "Hey, I wanna be a wolf." We're like, "You stupid little boy. Get a job." (audience laughing) I've just been to so many weddings where people are like, that's my daughter, she's the flower girl. I just want to go to one wedding one time where somebody's like, "That's my son." "Which one?" "The wolf boy." (audience laughing) (audience applauding) (audience laughing) (chuckles) That's all I really want to come outta tonight is for

some man to walk outta here and go, "I'm gonna get a pedicure." (audience laughing) And some woman to walk outta here and go, "We're having wolf children at our weddings." (audience laughing) Because I make a lot of fun of these things. But the fact is, I think you gotta have fun. You gotta find things you love to do. You gotta find people you love to do it with. That's the most important part. It really is. - Woo. - You know? - Yeah. (audience applauding) - Right? (audience applauding) But I'm

lucky I have that person in my life. She's amazing. My girlfriend, she's great. I have this joke about our relationship, that we're in a four-year relationship. We're only three years into it right now. (audience laughing) But it's a fun joke, it's a fun joke. It's quick. It's got a twist. I love that joke. (audience laughing) She hates that joke. (audience laughing) because we've been together for over a decade. (audience laughing) She's like, "Why don't you update it?" I'm like, "Because I can

't have people getting disappointed that we're not married in the middle of that tiny joke. I can't do that." (audience laughing) Because when you're together with somebody for that long, getting married is a lot like an iPhone update. (audience laughing) You know it should make everything more secure and more efficient, but in the back of our minds we're like, "This might break the phone. I don't..." We don't understand how this technology works. (audience laughing) And she's been married befor

e and it was disappointing. And she's like, "You're doing that for me already without us being married." (audience laughing) I'm like, "That feels harsh, but I'll take it." But I get it. She, look, the only thing that she really has a beef with is she hates the term girlfriend. She hates it. She's like, "Look, I'm a grown woman. I think that's a childish term. I don't like the term girlfriend." And I said, "I'm glad you said that 'cause I was gonna suggest we start calling each other lovers." (a

udience laughing) And she's like, "Girlfriend, it is. We'll do that. We'll do that instead." (chuckles) 'Cause I don't even know how I would propose to her. I don't. I have bad knees, she's terrible at pop quizzes. It would not go well. (audience laughing) If I showed her a $20,000 ring, she would be furious with me. She'd be like, "We still have four Broadway shows I want to see. What are you doing? We've never been to Savannah." (audience laughing) But she is, she's the one. I knew she was the

one because we understand each other's dumbest parts. We do. She understands that all of the dumb things I do are gonna be food involved. They are. I'm gonna knock stuff over, I'm gonna spill stuff. Sometimes I eat so fast I forget to breathe. (audience laughing) She knows that when we go eat at a fancy place, that I'm never gonna fully be able to tell the difference between garnish and a small salad ever. (audience laughing) Somebody just like me. (audience laughing) She's watched me eat an en

tire sandwich, look down, and realized that I accidentally ate half the napkin also. (audience laughing) She's accepted all of that stupidity, she has. And I appreciate that, I really do. Hey look, she does stuff that's stupid too. She does. And it's harder, it's harder for her 'cause when she does something stupid, it might end up on stage on a given night. (audience laughing) And I'm gonna give y'all a real quick example. (audience laughing) Yeah. We watch shows together. We have different sch

edules. We always watch recorded shows. She never knows how long they last, ever. She always asks me, "How long's "NCIS?" "It's an hour." "How long's "The Office?" "Half hour." Recently she asked me this, "How long is "60 Minutes?" (audience laughing) (chuckles) She's like, "You can't, you can't." I'm like, "I have to, I have to." That was too dumb not to share with a group of people watching a comedy show in a place where horses might live. (audience laughing) 'Cause the fact is mathematically

there's enough people in this room that over the course of the next week, somebody in this room is gonna do something monumentally stupid, you are. You know, not just like walk - Whoo. - into a... Yeah, so we've got some volunteers in the back. (audience laughing) Yeah. Yeah, not just like walk into a room and not realize why you're in there stupid. But like walk into a room and be like, "Why am I not wearing pants stupid?" And after you do that, your first thought's gonna be, I hope no saw that

. I hope nobody videoed that. But your second thought's gonna be, but at least I know how long "60 Minutes" lasts. (audience laughing) And that's gonna make you feel good about yourself. (upbeat music) Thank you guys so much for coming out tonight. (audience applauding) Thanks, man. (bouncy music)