Jon Fisch | Hinged (Full Comedy Special)

- Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, Jon Fisch. - Yeah, yeah. That is my friend, James Mattern everybody. Keep it going for James Mattern. Now do you see why I said, "Come to the 7:00"? Sorry, 9:30 show. Well, please adjust your eyes for non-celebrity comedy. That's not bad though, right? Seinfeld, Wallace and air conditioning, what more do you want on a July night in New York City, baby? I really do appreciate you guys being here. I feel like I need to tell you right off the bat that I have

a tiny head. I know it's not like I come up here and you're like, "You got a tiny head," but I feel like I come up here and you're like, "Something's up." And then I'm like, "I got a tiny head" and you're like, "That's it." And there's nothing you can do about a tiny head. There's no exercise to make my head bigger. I can't be like. I can't even get regular bigger 'cause my head will just stay. And then I'll just look like the dude from "The Waiting Room" and "Beetlejuice." I don't know if it's

the tiny head, but apparently I have a very non-threatening vibe. I feel like if I was alone in a room with a bunch of cocaine and somebody walked in, they'd just be like, "Do you know who left this here? I mean, first of all, are you okay?" I still shampoo, which no one seems to understand. No? Trust me, buddy, it is nice to reminisce. Not right now, obviously I tightened up for the show, but it gets peach fuzzy, but people are mean, man. I was traveling before the pandemic and they put me in a

hotel with no amenities. Can't always say "amenities" at comedy clubs. You guys seem smart. I swear to God, sometimes I have to say "stuff." But there was no shampoo, so I had to go buy some, and since I was traveling, I purchased travel sized, but I could tell everyone at the store was looking at me like, "Oh, that's so cute. No, that's what he gets. That's his shampoo for the year." Let me ask you though, sir, and I did not tell them to put you here, you picked this seat. Did you bald from he

re or from here? - [Man] About here. - From here, that's the way you wanna do it. If you get to choose, which you don't. Yeah, I unfortunately balded from here. So, I was the last one to know. Every day I'm in the mirror like, "Looking good, Jonny." But then I know I was out in public and everybody was looking at me like, "That man's life is not what he thinks it is." But finally, an advantage of being bald, was during the quarantine. Everybody else was like, "Oh, when are the salons gonna open?

" Business as usual in bald town. You just shave her up once a week, all by your lonesome. But I hope you're all doing okay. I'm definitely easing back into things. I guess I can sum up my financial experience this past year and a half by saying that I was way too excited for each stimulus check. I don't know if you remember, but the first one was $1,200, right? I used that one to pay my 2007 rent. Then we dipped to $600, I used that one for sweat pants. They were like, "We're only halfway done.

' I'm like, "I'm gonna get comfortable." By the way, mazel tov to sweat pants on rebranding as joggers. They pushed some extra units with that marketing ploy. And then we went back up to $1,400, which I thought was too generous. I gave it back. They took it back, I paid my taxes, they took it from me. I never even saw it. But I was having a big year before all of the pandemic hoopla. I had met a nice lady on Hinge. Yeah, shout out to the dating app Hinge. We fell in love. It can happen. We got a

little pregnant. Just a touch. It was just enough, actually, to have a baby. We got a beautiful baby, she's delicious. She just turned one last week. Tallulah. But at the time of the birth, we had actually been a pregnant couple longer than a non-pregnant couple. So, strong foundation. Really doing it backwards out there in Astoria. But we both wanted to have kids, I know that because when we were falling in love, she told me that she was gonna freeze her eggs. And I would joke around with her,

I'd be like, "Why do you wanna do that? I'll knock you up right now." And then I did. I was joking. I'm a comedian. So we moved into a new apartment, new apartment for both of us, but it feels like it's hers. Just has that feeling like I don't belong there. She's like, "Are you gonna put that there?" I'm like, "I think I'm gonna throw it away. Yeah, I think we both wanna throw that away. Yeah, let's toss that stupid plant that I've had for 12 years and named." We had to make room for pillows, a

pparently. I had no idea how many pillows were gonna be involved in my bed life. We have more pillows in our bedroom right now than I've had in all of my bedrooms in my entire life combined. There's pillows that aren't even on the bed. There's a wait list to get on the bed. I'll open the closet at night, one spills out like, "My turn?" I remember this one time we were sharing a poppy seed muffin and I had poppies caught in my teeth and she was adorably picking them out with a toothpick. And I th

ought, "This must be love." But then I looked in her eyes and I was like, "Oh, this is something different. This is like a disorder of some sort. I am gonna have to Google this later. I don't even think she knows my name right now." We were in Montreal, I had shows in Montreal and she came with me to Canada. And I feel like at the Canadian border, they ask you questions in a way to try to trip you up. Some border agent, she just goes, "How do you two know each other?" I'm like, "What? We're in t

he same car." But then it clicked, but I'm too old to be like, "We're boyfriend girlfriend." So I just panicked. I was just like, "We met on Hinge, I don't know if you guys have that up here. It's been like three months, but I travel a lot. So I don't know if it counts as three months, are we counting it as three? We're counting it? We're counting it, it's three months. We put a picture on Instagram, so everybody knows, a lot of pressure, can't break up. We just said, 'I love yous' which my sist

er-in-law said was too soon, but my therapist said, 'No rules with that kind of stuff.' We haven't had an argument yet, but this is our first trip, so I'm very nervous. I don't know if you're working on Sunday because that's when we're rolling back through, we can check in with you. This has been very helpful." She was like, "I really don't wanna say this, but welcome to Canada." That is true, no arguments in the first three months. That is over. We are having tons of arguments. I've only been i

nvolved in one, but we're having tons of arguments. I'm just like, "Do you need me for this one? Or can I go get some more masks?" We are low again on masks. I think the big thing that annoyed her during quarantine was that I got in shape 'cause there was nothing else to do. I know, I'm not in shape anymore. And she was getting more pregnant. And I told her it was because of this life insurance exam that I had coming up, but it was really just in case anything happened to her during the delivery

and I had to get back on Hinge. All right. I feel like enough of you really clammed up on that joke that I feel like I need to let you know that she likes that joke. I don't know if that helps you. She actually said, "I love the one where I almost die." So, don't worry. I mean, she's dead now, but she loved that joke. She loved that joke. She's right there, everybody, relax. Hi, Lee, you look beautiful and alive. Well, we're not married. We'd be married if it wasn't for COVID, so technically, s

he's my fiance, but I don't like words with things over one of the letters. But my friend from Texas told me in the south, sometimes they say "my intended." Yeah, I like that. Yeah, I think it's cool, 'cause then if she does anything super, I can call her "my superintended." Alright. Couple quick things. First of all, I stand behind that joke. But also, understand if you would like me to go see if Jerry is still here. I don't know, we killed her in the last joke, I thought we'd have some fun wor

dplay for those of you that were sad. No, it's cool. I call her "my wife" when we're in a good place. So, we're in a good place. I call her "my girlfriend" when she's mad at me, it makes her madder. But I know we're in a good place, 'cause last week she told me that she was my biggest fan. How sweet is that? Yeah, I was like, "Thank you. But before us, I met a woman in Sacramento that did some things that make me feel like she might've been a little bigger of a fan." It was one thing in particul

ar, but yeah. But my wife is Irish. She likes to drink. That stereotype is true. Cheers at the table. I am Jewish, so I just like to watch her drink and then judge her real hard. I can't drink much anymore, myself. I can have about one glass of wine, after that it does not mix with the Zoloft. We've got some depressed people here. It's really good to see you, I didn't think we were gonna come back out, to be honest with you. Way to be here. Right? They were like, "COVID quarantine, stay inside."

We were like, "Got it." Then they're like, "Come on back out." We're like, "No, you said inside, I like it here. I got Seamless and Grubhub working back to back. I built a desk for my fort, I'm very happy inside." But apparently, you can have one glass of wine per week when you are pregnant. That's what we went with, I think you can make up your own rules. But that's when you know you're a lightweight, when you're getting out-drank by a pregnant woman. Getting a little Jewy vibe over here. We g

ot some Jews? Yeah? Some Jews? All right, here we go. I'm teaching my wife how to be Jewish, all right? This is absolutely true, before she met me, she had never returned anything. Meanwhile, an art form for my people. She's like, "I've heard of it, but it seems like too much work." I'm like, "You gotta put in the work." Like we'll go to Dunkin and they'll give her the wrong coffee and she'll throw it in the garbage and go purchase a new one. When I wake up from my seizure, I'm like, "What are y

ou doing? Give me that this is like my Superbowl. What'd you get a medium? You're getting a large. I don't even want a coffee, I'm gonna get a free one out of this. You want a cruller? We can go off menu, if you like. What do you want? You want a box of Equal? You like Equal. Let's get you a box." We had chairs to return to Target, okay? I had never seen her so nervous. She was sweating. She was rehearsing our story on the car ride over. She had a reference for them to call. I'm like, "You gotta

relax, we don't even need to bring the chairs inside, that's how good I am at this. Where did we get them? Target? I'll return them at Bed Bath & Beyond just for the challenge. I will bring all my coupons, they won't know what hit them." You ever wanna do that? Just bring all your coupons in and be like, "Your move, BB&B. I've been literally sitting on these for months." But she's teaching me too. She's teaching me how to be less Jewish, I don't know what to call it. Irish, more manly, whatever

. We needed a bed, we went to a store, we bought it, that day. We didn't go to any other stores. We didn't call my mother. We just left with a delivery date in the books. Although, when she wasn't looking, I found the same bed a little cheaper at another place, made the first place match that price. So technically, I win, even though our therapist said it's not about winning and losing, I think we can all agree, I was victorious that day. Just that day. ♪ Oh, which one was Jerry's ♪ Not this one

because they opened his for him. The other thing she doesn't understand is the overbearing Jewish parents. You know what I mean? How many times a day do you talk to your parents? - [Woman] Seven. - Just once, okay. All right. Yeah, my mom doesn't, my wife, okay, that's my stuff. My wife doesn't understand why my mom will call twice in one day and I'm just like, "You don't even wanna hear about the third and the fourth times." But she's just like, "What could she possibly need to tell you now th

at she didn't tell you two hours ago?" I was like, "I don't know. She ran into Margie Weismann." "Who?" "David Weissman's mom." "And?" "And she told my mom to tell me that I was always a very nice boy." That was it. That was the whole call. I told my mom I was gonna say that on stage and she goes, "Do you have to use her real name?" But all right, so we got the Jews here. Some non-Jews. I can sum myself up for you. People always wanna know what kind of Jew you are. I like to call myself a suburb

an summer camp Jew. Yeah, so the Jews understand what I'm saying. For those of you that don't know, I can sum up my entire childhood with one little anecdote. Anecdote, anecdote, anecdote, anecdote, the one where I'm not saving myself from a snake bite. You guys know what I'm talking about. You're all here. So, I have a buddy from Idaho and he told me that he, for his 12th birthday, his grandfather gave him a shotgun. In contrast, for my bar mitzvah, somebody gave me a Swiss Army knife that my f

ather has yet to let me have. I thought I was gonna get it when I turned 39 for the old triple bar mitzvah. But that dude's got that thing hidden like an afikoman, my friends. I sense just enough Jews to be able to do the afikomen line. It's a sense thing. Yeah, I'm part of the no-fix-it tribe of Jews. I can't really fix stuff. You know what I mean? When I moved into my own apartment, my mother bought me a toolbox from Macy's and a book, "How to Fix Everything." And the handle to the toolbox bro

ke. And that was not in the book. And I perform for Jews a lot because money. And it's on its best day, not easy, okay? Right? I can give you the whole thing. I did a show for a Jewish community center near where my parents live and my mother's friend was at the show and emailed her and was like, "Jonathan's very funny, but he needs to iron his shirt." The comedy is secondary with the Jews, is what I'm saying. Dare I say "tertiary." I mostly say that just so you know that I know that word. But y

ou know? I would get set up. I would do shows at temples, at JCCs, and they love to set you up if you're single. They set me up with their nieces. Tons of nieces, never a daughter. I found that weird. It's like, "We like you, but we only wanna see you like twice a year." But oh my God, I am so glad I am done with being single, man. My friend Ryan used to say that I look like a day trader with the dating sites. I would just like have Bumble and Hinge and . I was online dating for so long. It was

at the point where I would just see the same people, I'd start rooting for them a little bit. I'm like, "Oh my God, you're back again? What happened? We all thought you made it out of here. You keep your chin up, girl. No, I mean in the photos, you really gotta keep your chin up." And it was hard to date when you don't drink that much. You know what I mean? I tried to come up with non-drinking, dating activities, but it all sounded like I was trying to babysit the person. You wanna get some ice

cream? How about a bike ride? Too cold? Hot cocoa? I remember this one. This was probably one of my favorite dates. So I met this woman and we were going to a wine bar restaurant, okay? I told you what I can handle, so my plan was just to nurse one glass of wine. And then she showed up with red wine mouth. Yeah. I don't know how many that is, but it felt like we were starting at 30 love. In the first 10 minutes, she told me that I look like her ex-boyfriend. Not first date conversation. Then she

started telling me why I was wrong for drinking white wine instead of red wine and I was like, "Well, if you have a mirror, I'll show you why I'm right." Then she started complaining about dating in New York City and I'm like, "You're on a date in New York City. This is weird. Plus, I have known you for 18 minutes, pretty confident, not New York City's fault." But this was the best, all right? At one point during our date, she got up from our table to tell someone at another table to be quiet.

And look, I was half impressed, if I'm being honest with you people, okay? That takes balls, big balls. Balls I don't have. Think about it, she was being annoying at my table and I didn't say anything. They thought she worked there. And then she sat back down with me. I was like, "Just as surprised as you guys, I have no idea what's gonna happen next. Let's all watch." 'Cause there's an acceptable way to tell someone in public that they're doing something weird, right? You look at them, you hope

you catch their eye, and you're like, . Seriously, if you followed me around New York City, you would think I had tremors the way I'm just like, "Come on, what are you doing? No. Not during the day." I call it my Amtrak quiet car face. I'm like, "It's a quiet, there's a sign right there, everybody else is being quiet, what are you doing? You're with me, right? Everybody's with me. Where's the conductor." But I was still on board, I'm embarrassed to say, 'cause she was cute. That's the problem w

ith the man brain. Somewhere in here, I'm like, "Maybe she'll even out after seven glasses of wine." But then she told me she got kicked out of a comedy club one time for heckling and I was like, "I think we're done here." She was like, "I was offended and I felt like I had to say something." I was like, "You didn't." People are getting offended at comedy shows and Twitter and stuff. Comedy is just, it's a joke. Just laugh or don't laugh. If you get offended, that's a great thing to save for you

r journal later. But this is what really got me. She goes, "I was offended and I felt like I had to say something for everyone." I felt it coming up from here. I was like, "You don't know everyone was offended." I was so mad, I'm definitely madder than you guys. But I was definitely. I don't like onions, okay? If I was at a dinner party, I've never been to a dinner party. But if I was at a dinner party and the meal had onions in it, I would eat around the onions. Simple, right? I wouldn't flip t

he whole fucking table over and start mashing food out of people's mouths. Maybe I'd lock eyes with someone else that wasn't eating onions and I'd be like, "Onions, buddy, right? This is ridiculous. Everybody solidarity." And my hope would be that enough people wouldn't eat the onions and then later when the host was cleaning up, they would see that and be like, "Oh, I guess not a lot of people like onions, next time I won't put somebody onions in there. But I wouldn't say anything during the me

al, 'cause that would be rude and insensitive and I know that the host probably worked very hard, put a lot of time and energy into making that meal funny." I feel like you guys saw Seinfeld tonight, you're very good. It was so funny, there's a bunch of the servers from another club and I went over to Big Will and I was like, "You guys are the only ones that aren't impressed that Seinfeld was here." When you work at a comedy club and Seinfeld or Chappelle, Chappelle, mostly, they walk in, you're

like, "Oh, fuck. Guess I'm not going to sleep tonight." The weird thing about dating when you're a comedian though, is people would always be like, "Am I gonna end up in your act?" Probably. All right? But you don't even have to go out with us to end up in an act. This is one of my last interactions before I met my wife. So this is the thing, Hinge was my favorite, I have to say that, it would be weird if I didn't. Met my wife on Hinge, not a fan. But Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel, those were my

two favorite because they only give you a certain amount of matches per day, so you couldn't go down that Tinder-Bumble rabbit hole, where you would swipe for like six hours until they'd finally run out of people. And they're like, "There's nobody left in your area." And then I would drive to another area. It was actually what put me over the edge to get E-ZPass. But the thing that I didn't like about Coffee Meets Bagel, is that they only gave you like a short window of time to talk to the othe

r person on the app, so you got pushed to real text prematurely. You know what I mean? It was too familiar. I wanted to stay in land. Yeah, you remember that from high school Spanish. It's just Spanish. It doesn't have to be high school Spanish. I think just, you remember that from Spanish. Come on, Jon. But this is a real interaction, me and this lovely person, Olivia. We exchanged pleasantries, blah, blah, blah. She's like, "How are you?" I'm like, "Very good, thanks. Trying to finish a projec

t." I don't have any projects, I don't know why I said that. Maybe my fault for starting this with a lie. Okay. "And I have shows tonight. I do stand-up." Okay? I told you it's important to tell women that right off the bat, 'cause most of you do not like it. But she said, "Stand-up? I have some friends who are comedians." What do you think I said to that, buddy? - I have no idea. - You have no idea? I feel like I just caught you in your own moment, you weren't really paying attention. Never had

anybody not give the correct answer. Or an answer. "Who are they?" Very good. You needed a minute. You just needed a minute. He was like, "All right, I think he's done talking to me. I'm bald and that's it." I know him, I can't ask him. I said, "Who?" Yes, with three question marks 'cause I was interested. And then she said nothing. Disappeared. Radio silence for a full day. And I know she got the text, but in my head I did that thing, "Maybe she didn't get the text. Maybe the signal was down o

r she lost her phone. Perhaps her parents died." So I gave her a little nudge. I go, "Who are they? Sorry about your parents." I just said, "Who are they?" Okay. All right, this is her for realsies. "Why are you so interested in who my friends are, when you don't even know me?" Yeah. We got a live one. But I didn't wanna be mean, so I took a step back, I did a little Namaste and I said, "Oh, didn't realize I was offending you, the comedy community isn't so big, thought I might know them, little

common ground." See, it's nice, right? Margie Weissmann was right. Back to her. "It's fine." That's it, then she gave me three names, one of which I do not know. Number two, we're Facebook friends, but I don't know if we've ever met. And number three, pretty good friend. Could have had something to talk about. Now I have something to talk about with that friend. Then she continues, "I myself am not a comedian, I'm not very funny." Well, we have established that. So that's where I left it. I coul

dn't answer at that point without being mean. I guess I could have been like, "It's fine." I guess I could've done my default, which is just two thumbs up and a poop emoji. I don't know. I kind of wanna text her now though and just be like, "Thanks for the bit, been doing it on stage. Turns out you are very funny." Maybe I'll be mean and I'll send her a picture of my family. But you guys seem cool. Can we talk about murder for just one second? I'm obsessed with the murder documentaries. My favor

ite murder documentary and I think we can all agree, you shouldn't have one. I don't know how we got here. But "Staircase," have you guys seen "Staircase?" Absolutely insane. All right. If you haven't seen it, this dude, he found his wife dead at the bottom of a staircase, hence "Staircase" and he was accused of the murder, he went to jail, claims he's innocent and there's this whole long docuseries about him. But the thing that I find fascinating, because they only mentioned this in like one ep

isode, 17 years before that, he found his best friend's wife dead at the bottom of a staircase. I'm like, "Look, I don't know if he's a murderer, but he's not good luck." I've never found anybody dead, regular. So, if I was to find two people dead in the same weird, exact way, even if I didn't do it, I'd be like, "I probably did it. Probably one, maybe both. I at least see why you guys need to investigate. I am onboard with that. Who's in charge? Let's regroup, we'll rename the documentary 'Stai

rcases.' It seems like two stories here and we'll get to the bottom of this." I'm merely doing stand-up comedy at a stand-up comedy show. But then other crazy stuff keeps coming out about this dude. It turns out, while this whole thing was going on, he had a full-on relationship with one of the editors of the documentary. How smooth? I mean, I hope she lives in a one level house. That's what I watch, my wife watches cooking shows all day. And if you don't believe me, I can tell you one of the na

mes and this is a deep dive, she watches "The Pioneer Woman." Yeah, only some people know "The Pioneer Woman." I don't know what she's doing exactly, but it seems like she's just this sturdy red head from the middle of the country, who cooks for the clergy. - [Woman] What's wrong with that? - And would like a little more attention from her husband. But she watches all the competition and she doesn't cook. So at first I was excited and then I was like, "Oh, this is? No, we don't? Oh." So I'll jus

t watch with her sometimes and just be like, "Oh, they really show you how to do that." They really lay it all out there for you. Step-by-step with all that stuff we have. But we're good, we're good, we're happy, man. I am, I'm super happy, man. It's been a crazy year. When I think about the pregnancy, this was the hardest thing. I should do this material earlier in the set, but I don't think people can handle constipation earlier. So the thing that was tough for my wife during the pregnancy was

that it's very constipating, right? - [Woman] Yes. - You don't have a kid, right? No. She just looked at me like. And that's why I don't do this earlier. But she was already a very constipated person. She loves when I tell people. This is absolutely true, during the pregnancy, she went eight days without going to the bathroom. Eight days, like a reverse Hanukkah. We are calling it the Great Constipation of 2020. And by we, I mean my therapist and I. That's right, we have a couple's therapist. I

have a therapist, she has a therapist. And I suggest that Any therapist here? - [Woman] Woo, yeah, well, maybe. - Well, that sounds like you have some shitty friends. She's like, "I feel like a therapist." I am, medically speaking, the extreme opposite. I don't know how to paint the picture any more delicately for you people. So I feel bad. I'll be on number three or four for the day and I'm just like, "I don't know, you wanna watch? You wanna pretend this one's yours? I don't know how to suppo

rt you on this." If I do more than that, I lie to her, and it feels like I'm cheating on her. I'm like, "No, I'm organizing the medicine cabinet this time. No, I need my phone." Lucky for our daughter she has perfect digestion. Right down the middle. Look, I don't know what I thought, I had no expectations. I don't know what I thought parenthood was gonna be like. But I certainly didn't think it was gonna be like holding the baby while sitting down to pee and eating a granola bar. One thing that

was good about having the baby, really soon, was that we didn't do that thing that a lot of my friends do, where they aren't quite ready to have a kid, but they want one eventually, so they get a dog to practice. They treat it like a baby, they call it, "This is our baby." Then they have a real baby and they're just like, "When's this dog gonna die? I wish we had a staircase." Let's do some more stand-up comedy. I have been informed though, that we are getting a pet so that our daughter can lea

rn how to take care of something. And I was like, "Well, I'm almost 50, she can take care of me." I am old. I'm older, I'm 13 years older than my wife, which comes up, I didn't think it would. We were at a restaurant one night and she was like, "Do you know what song this is?" And I was like, "I can't even hear a song." Before the pandemic, I had a sciatic nerve episode. Yeah, I know, sounds athletic. Had to buy a heating pad, which is official old people territory. But it is also for 12 year ol

d girls. I did not grow up with sisters. I did not know this. Now my Amazon suggestions are very confusing. They don't know what to do with me. They're like, "Maybe you would like a mobility scooter. No? Perhaps a spiral owl notebook. You could use that for your period journal, Jonathan." I don't go out late anymore, I don't think I'm supposed to. Right? If you're in your 20s and your 30s and you stay out late, people are impressed. If you're in your 40s or your 50s and you stay out late, people

are suspicious. If I'm out late, I feel like people just looking at me like, "What's that guy still doing here? Must have lost his job today." And if you're in your 60s or 70s and you're here right now, I hope you let somebody know. It is getting late. But it's fun when you're younger, who is in their 20s and their 30s here? Anybody? Yeah, it's fun. I guess I miss it. Yeah, it's fun when you go out, you don't know what's gonna happen. You're like, "Who am I gonna meet? Where am I gonna end up?"

Now, I need to know exactly where I'm going. I need to know what time I'm gonna be home. I don't wanna meet anybody. I'm actually working on a system to unmeet some of the people that I do know. It's gonna be an app. It's called, "See Ya." I don't go to strip clubs anymore 'cause I don't like when other people take off my glasses. Gotta be honest, I did not think you were gonna be the demographic for that, but you clapped. You clapped. I know you have glasses, but that did surprise me. It's jus

t weird, life tames out on you. It happens. I always said I was settled down, I just didn't have the family yet. I've been wearing a fanny pack unironically for years. But I did notice one thing that happened to me, was that when I first started doing comedy in the city, you'd do shows on the weekend in Jersey or Long Island, and my thoughts were like, "Oh, I hope I get done in time and I can make it back to the city and meet my friends out." And now I'm just like, "I hope I get done in time and

Trader Joe's is still open. I got some stuff from Whole Foods to return there." And look, I know I'm not old-old, but I feel like I'm too old to be the baby dad, like a dad of a baby. You know what I mean? We haven't heard her first word yet, I'm just so nervous she's gonna look up at me one day and be like, "Grandpa? Do I have a papa?" I don't know. I don't know what her first word is gonna be, but her first full phrase is probably gonna be, "Alexa, next song." We're getting so specific with A

lexa too, at first we were just like, "Alexa, mellow music. Alexa, '80s music." Now we're like, "Alexa, play barbecue music, but if half the people there were vegans. Maroon 5, you nailed it, Alexa. Alexa play love songs, but for a couple that had a baby too soon." ♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ ♪ Baby shark, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ Oh, so she really did turn one last week when we had a little party and I wrote her a poem. Yeah. This is a poem to Tallulah. "Let me sleep. Please let me

sleep. We let you sleep. There's so much going on behind the scenes for your sleep. It's a sound machine, blackout shades, I'm not allowed to go to the bathroom. I used to nap every day, sometimes twice. I miss it very much. Sorry I ate all of your yogurt snacks." So I just wanna be half as good a parent as my parents were. I love my parents, their the best and we're going to Cape Cod with them in a little bit. So, I still call my parents, right? I told you. I use the phone for them and custome

r service, I guess. Those are the only people I call these days. But when my parents can't answer, they try to be hip and use the auto-reply function, but they don't know what they're doing, so it just makes it more confusing. My dad will be like, "I can't talk, I'm in a meeting." And I'm like, "You're retired." But you can go into the phones and customize the answers. So that's what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna go into my parents' phones, give them the options they need. All right, this is for my mo

m's phone. "Can't talk, your father got us lost and we're trying to use the map thing. Playing Mahjong, call you in 10 minutes on purpose and then 14 more times by accident." You guys know Legal Seafood? Yeah, it's my parents' favorite restaurant, that's all you need to know. "At Legal Seafood, someone that walked in after us got seated before us, I'm staring down the hostess, your father's looking for a manager." You have not lived until you've seen my mother make a 16 year old at a podium on s

ummer break, cry. "In Costco, lost your father. Do you need anything?" All right, this is for my dad's phone now. "Can't talk, looking for a bathroom. Can't talk I'm in the bathroom. This is your mother, your father forgot his phone, he's in the bathroom." It runs in the family, this stomach issue. Hey, it runs in the family, everybody. That's another little joke in the stand-up comedy. It is true. And that's one of the reasons why I am so happy to be at Gotham Comedy Club right now because they

have a bathroom for the comedians. A lot of comedy clubs do not. And I have a lot of anxiety and pre-show, I have to go sit-down style. And I know I have to be in the bathroom with you people. And I know one of you guys gets back to the table and just like, "That guy just took a shit." And someone at your table will be like, "Well, how do you know?" And he'd be like, "Well, I recognize his sneakers." So, I travel this country, I travel this country with decoys sneakers. Another comedy pet peeve

I have, is when people wanna tell a comedian a joke after the show. Yeah, I know some of you have one locked and loaded. We don't wanna hear it. That's why we leave. It's just always racist, for some reason. It's just always so racist. You know what it's like? It's like going to a nice restaurant and then afterwards being like, "Where's the chef? I made him a grilled cheese sandwich at home. It's a grilled cheese sandwich that somehow tastes like the N word." My in real life pet peeve right now

, is that people keep asking us if we're gonna have another kid. Yeah, well, honestly I don't have the ab muscles to pull out, so probably. I know I said I got in shape, but it was all cardio, no crunches. But we're still trying to do things. We're still kind of a new couple, like sexually and stuff. We went on a little vacation for my wife's birthday in June and she bought me a cock ring on Amazon. Which is one of the reasons why Jeff Bezos is flying into space soon. So I put it on and it just

looked like my dick was married. But then I thought, "Isn't that a better place for the guy's wedding ring?" Just need a little extra reminder. Like, "Are you sure you wanna cheat? You're married." Plus, how much better would the wedding ceremony be? But the toughest part, sexually for us so far, has been right after the birth because my wife had a C-section and you can't have sex for like six to eight weeks after a C-section, but we were still a new couple, and we wanted to do stuff, so we deci

ded to do a little side-by-side masturbation. But we were still a new, nervous parent. We were new, nervous parents, so we had to bring the baby into the room with us. And it was the first thing that we did as a family. So sorry. As awkward as any of that is, I'm so glad because do you know what I did the summer before I met my wife? I sent a picture of my penis to somebody. Yeah. Nobody in their 40s should send their penis to anybody. My pictures should just be like, "Are these the vitamins tha

t you told me to get?" Let me just mention that it was requested, I didn't just send out feelers with a group text, like, "Who wants in on this?" It was my first, she could tell it was my first. Not 'cause it was bad, although, what's good? Has anybody ever been happy about getting one of those? No, she could tell it was my first 'cause I had to take some time to take a picture. You know what I mean? She was sending me stuff rapid fire from her library. And then she's like, "How about something

from you?" And I'm like, "All right, you've built up some equity." But I didn't have anything. I feel like if you're that guy, you look like that guy. The sweet hair, is that a cross or a chai? - [Man] It's a cross. - It's a cross? You send dick pics. The white. Don't worry, this joke's not going in the album. I don't think any of the last five minutes is, okay. No, if you're that guy, if you're a dick pic guy, you've got stuff ready to go, like a resume on file. Right? You probably have options

like, "Oh, this girl seems like she'd likes something rustic. I'm gonna send her the one from the hammock." I had nothing. Here's what I did. I took eight, I sent them to my brother, I'm like, "Are any of these good?" He's like, "I like number five and you need some vitamin D." All right, thank you guys so much for coming out. I really appreciate it. You guys are so great and I really love it. Thank you, guys.