Katherine Blanford Stand-Up: The Kentucky Derby, Bachelorette Parties | The Tonight Show

-Our next guest is taping her comedy special at The Riot in Houston, Texas, March 29th. Please welcome the very funny Katherine Blanford. ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause continue ] -Thank you, thank you. I’m so happy to be back. I love New York. I’m from Kentucky, so this feels exactly like home. [ Laughter ] I’m from Louisville, Kentucky, which is where we have the Kentucky Derby. Now, if you don’t know what that is, it’s this big event where these, like, fancy people, they

watch these horses run around in circles, and then after every race, you can see some of them, like, freaking out because they just lost their son’s college fund on an animal named Buckle Up, Buttercup. [ Laughter ] But those are the fancy people. They don’t let us hillbillies in the stands. They corral us in the infield. And then we watch the horses racing and we get FOMO. We’re like, "I want to do that. All my moonshine." So we have something called porta-potty racing. Okay? What that is, is y

ou find a line of these things, right? And you go up to the first porta-potty in the line, and you ask a man to help you up to the very tip-top of it. And he always does 'cause you have a sundress on. [ Laughter ] And then -- Okay. He’s been there. Okay. So... [ Laughter ] This is the name of the game. Okay? You try and run across the top of the porta-potties without falling in. It’s like the floor is lava, but worse. [ Laughter ] And if you get pretty far, then there’s dudes on the ground that

are getting excited because you’re now the redneck ninja warrior. They’re like, "Oh, she’s really doing it." And they can’t help themselves. They’ll get so excited they’ll throw full beer bottles at you, 'cause that’s how their dad showed them they were proud. [ Laughter ] And then if you dodge all the bottles full of love and you make it to the very end, then you get to get arrested and... [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] Yeah. I’ve been there. I made it. Yeah. So then you get to go to jail and y

ou get to talk to your dad again. So it’s a family tradish. [ Laughter ] No, I did that a lot in my childhood. I’m doing much more mature things now. I live with my boyfriend. That’s serious. And I know he believes in me because he makes me pay rent. [ Laughter ] But I haven’t been promoted yet. Sorry. Proposed to. Sorry. [ Laughter ] But my friends are. I’ve been a bridesmaid 14 times now. I’m going on these bachelorettes. Wait. I’m sorry. Sorry, I know it’s 2024. You can’t say "maid" anymore.

Ugh. [ Laughter ] I’ve been a bridal intern 14 times. [ Laughter and applause ] Thank you. It is a lot of work. So I was at the beach on one of the employee retreats and I -- before the conference, you know. Okay, so I started to notice the difference between the girls there that are still in their 20s and those of us who dare to be 32. You could detect the younger ones because they were in their bikinis and they were taking selfies and their whole body was in the picture. Once you hit 30, that’

s no longer how your beach pictures go. Okay? You know what we do? We line up, right? And then we slowly start backing into the ocean till about right here. "I like that one. Yeah. Try one more. There we go. I like my bangs in that one." [ Laughter ] But this trip, first of all, by the way, I would like to say once you get older, every group picture, you treat it like a loaf of bread, right? You’re like, "The ends are the worst." So... [ Laughter ] This trip -- Oh, these girls are on one right n

ow. Okay. This trip started off like every bachelorette. Everyone’s very polite in the beginning. They’re like, "No, I love your bangs." And then the younger girls, with all their energy, they started, like, wrestling each other on this raft, right? Trying to knock each other off. [ Laughing ] Till one girl's left and then that girl got to be the bride. [ Laughter ] And she challenged me to a duel. I guess because I don’t have kids or eyelash extensions, so I just, y'all, I had to get on this ra

ft. I just had to square up across from this 20-year-old feral cat, you know, just this scrawny Rachel foaming White Claw at the mouth. [ Growling ] I’m a marketing major. [ Growling ] My phone's dead. Do you have a charger? [ Growling ] Sorry, I’m a Leo. [ Growling ] It was one of those moments we’ve all had, you know, where you see somebody younger, and then you realize how much you’ve elevated as a person. You know, I looked at her like, "I used to be you. Do you remember your 20s when you di

dn’t eat because you’re trying to look good for a mate? Because you needed shelter?" [ Laughter ] I was like, "Now I’m good. Now I live with an accountant in the suburbs, and I got an Instapot." [ Laughter ] So I remember I was like, "She’s going to take me. You know, I’ve been out of the game." But I just square up, right? And sure enough, they said go and she lunged at me, but she still slipped off me 'cause she’s in her 20s and wears tanning oil. [ Laughter ] And I’m in my 30s now, so I have

SPF 90 and Botox in. So I didn’t move a muscle and I just got her in a headlock and I just whispered, "Forgive your father." [ Laughter ] And she slipped on her tears and fell in. [ Cheers and applause ] I've been Katherine Blanford. Thank you so much. [ Cheers and applause continue ] -Slipped on her tears and fell in. Katherine Blanford! She’ll be at The Riot in Houston, Texas, March 29th. We’ll be right back, everybody. Come on back.