KNBA (Kuroko no Basket Abridged) - Episode 1

When can Anthony and I act in pornos? Oh my God! Dude, like a fuckin' Kuroko no Basket or something? I would watch the SHIT out of that! [sigh] Another year, another hopeless attempt to recruit freshmen for the basketball team. It's only hopeless because you won't accept applicants under six feet tall. So? We live in Japan. I have standards! You have zero new members! I have a human being in my hand. Why... do you have a human being in your hand? Guy comes up to me and says "Hey, you're tall," "

Do you play basketball?" I mean, obviously! Smartass! What's your name, kid? Kagami. Kagami Taiga. Well, tiger, you wanna join the team, you'll need to make a donation. We aren't exactly well... fund— Did you just drink our cash cup? Two things you need to know about me: One, I drink alloys. Two, [burp] I got a mean hook shot. Watch this shit! Uh, excuse you, paper goes in the recycling! FUCK the planet! Y'all ready for this? [Commence Space Jamming] [net physics] Welcome to the Seirin High bask

etball team! You're here because you're either over six feet tall or Hyuga made me. I made you take all of them. [sigh] I'm Coach Aida. [everyone] Hi, Aida. NO! You will call me COACH! And you will LIKE it! And this team is like a family to me! And I am your abusive stepdad! Now take off your shirts! How does this help our basketball!? Her father was a dedicated physiotheraphist. She's been studying the male body since she— Well... since she shouldn't have been allowed to study the male body. Th

ey say she can tell what a guy's dick length is just by looking into their eyes. So what can you see in my eyes, Coach? I want you SO raw. What? I think she means you have raw talent. You fuckin' heard me. I like it raw, too. We're... talking about sushi, right? "Sushi" means "raw fish," calling it raw would be redun— WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU COME FROM!? Well... I was out getting a soda... 20 minutes ago... Aaand I just finished drinking it. Now. You gonna pick that up? It was a Coke Zero. It's...

staining the court. Same Coke taste, [whisper] Zero calories. Could you just— [sigh] take off your shirt before we get sued? My name's Kuroko Tetsuya. Take off your shirt! Okay. Well, there goes my boner. [internally] Woo! Ninety-eight... Ninety-nine... One hun— [dramatic tone of drama] [catch] Dude... your presence LITERALLY makes other people worse at this game. I don't really see that down side of that. What the hell are you even doing here, anyway? What are YOU doing here? This is my court!

Isn't this... public property? MY court! And I'll take you right here to prove it! [internally] Make it RAAAI— [swat] Yeah, you're in my house now, little man! I thought this was your court. Wow, you suck more than a— Than a what? Than a... fuckin'— Who's fucking? You are! You're fucking! How do you know? Because I am! This is MY insult! It's not going very well. No, it isn't! Look, something, something... You're a whore. Bye! [internally] Aw right! I fuckin' LOVE the burger store! Hi. JESUS! W

hat the hell is this? This... is a milkshake. Yeah, I can see tha— [slurp] [slurp, Act II] Are you done? [slurp, Finale] Finished my milkshake. Kuroko, you are literally too bland to insult. Vanilla is my favorite flavor. Of course it is. Alright ladies, today we're playing freshmen vs. seniors. Eh? Not that kind of senior, grandpa. Well, Kuroko, it was nice knowin' ya, but as soon as these coaches see how worthless you are on the court, there is no way you're gonna make this team. [whistle] Yea

h! Get some! How do ya like them apples, huh? Didja see that pass? [pass] [miss] [internally] Why is no one acknowledging [externally] my sick hops! Looks like we're gonna have to really focus on that blue-haired kid! Hey! Pay attention to me! [internally] How the hell is Kuroko doing this? The ball just comes shining out of nowhere! You can't see him! [humming] [internally] Oh my God, he got... [externally] No points! GOD, you suck at basketball! But I had 38 assists! And how many points did th

at get us? I mean, at minimum... 76. You think you're better than me with your blue hair and your sense of teamwork? I'LL KILL YOU! Oh my... a lovers' quarrel. I didn't realize the basketball team was also the drama club. Kise, what are you doing here? Why, I came to check in on you, silly. What happened to you, Kuroko? You used to be so cool. I'm still cool. No. You're not. You got hot. Like... spicy. Should... we break this up? Fuck nooo! Hey! Well, that wasn't nice. Well, I'm not very ni— He'

s not very nice. Would you— fuckin'— So you're Kuroko's new play toy. You think you're better than me, with your fan girls, and your tight ass, and your suit jacket, and your TIGHT ASS? I'LL KILL YOU! Smooth, Kagami. How about you and I go a little one on one? You do realize who this is, don't you? Kise Ryota? Of the Generation of Miracles? I don't care who he is! He's a stuck up pretty-boy Ken doll in need of an ass-kicking and a dirt nap. Well, Hasbro, you had my interest, but now you have my

erection. Attention. Is what my dick's standing at. Not even gonna get out of your suit, huh? You know it makes you look like a stay-at-home dad. How appropriate, I'm about to take you to school. [dunk] Oh God, I think I felt it on my face. Get in the car, son. Daddy needs to take you to basketball practice. Well, Kuroko Ichibaka no Jitsu-kun, I can honestly say I'm... disappointed. You had such potential when we first formed the Generation of Miracles. I hate to see it spoiled. Here's a thought

: come enroll with my academy. Two of the six best players in all of Japan teaming up on the streets, [seductive whisper] and under the sheets. It'll be just like the old days. Whadya say? Nyeh. What? Why not? Eh, I like it here. Besides, I have fun hanging out with Kagami. [angrily] Who the fuck is Kagami!? The red-haired bro you just styled on. You think you're better than me just 'cause you're better than me? Damn it! Just go! I can't believe that blond pretty boy dunked on me. I've never bee

n dunked on! Hell, I played basketball in America, where they invented BLACK PEOPLE! That's not even the worst of it. Kise was the least talented player on our entire team. You mean that team YOU were a part of? You're missing the point. The fact is, I know more about the Generation of Miracles than you do, and if we're going to make this work, I'm going to need to teach you everything I can so you can beat them. You know something, Kuroko? You may be the most boring, untalented, friendless fagg

ot I've ever met in my entire life. But... you may have a point this time. Alright. You've got yourself a deal. What's... in it for me? You strike me as a kid who needs a senpai. Duly noted. But, if you wanna be the best basketball player in Japan, you may have to defeat my five evil ex-teammates. Your... five evil exes? Teammates. Ex. Teammates. Is there a difference? God, I hope so. [I'm too lazy to find the subs for this. Sorry.] Yeah, you're a good director, Eagle. [le lulz]