Kowasugi? Death Blog: The Worst J-Horror Ever? (Japanese Horror Movie Reviews)

There are some movies that are so bad that you genuinely have to wonder what people were thinking when they made them. Did they know it was bad but didn’t care? Was it done on purpose? Was something lost in translation from idea to script to screen? Or did nobody know what the hell they were doing and abomination was inevitable? I’ve watched a lot of Japanese horror movies over the years, most of them of questionable quality, but there’s little that even comes close to the dumpster fire that is

Death Blog, a movie that is unforgettable in all the wrong ways. This one is gonna get spicy, so let’s dig in. Where to even start with this one? Death Blog was released on May 24, 2014, and stars Nakada Kana, an idol from the group Nogizaka 46 in her first and only film role other than some other Nogizaka related thing a few years later. There’s a good reason for that, I’m sure, and the film was written and directed by Jindo Masaaki, a man with masterpieces such as Kokkuri-san: Shin Toshi Dense

tsu and Kowasugiru Hanashi the Movie to his name. I assume the budget was about as hefty as a shoebox, and if it made any of that back I would be pleasantly surprised. It was also one in a series of horror movies put out using idols from Nogizaka, which probably explains everything you need to know beforehand, but if I had to watch this piece of crap three times to review it for you, then I’m gonna damn well review it. Very briefly, because it’s not like there’s a whole lot to the plot to begin

with, the movie is about a girl whose name I can’t even remember after three viewings (I went and checked and apparently it’s Hitomi) who starts a blog so she can freely fantasise or something like that. Who even knows. But as time goes on, the people mentioned in her blog end up being murdered in horrifying ways. Trust me, it sounds more interesting than it actually is. Turns out there’s an urban legend about something called a Death Blog where these same events have happened before, and Hitomi

realises she probably has a stalker, which is about as intelligent as she’ll be the whole movie. I wonder if it’s that one guy who keeps leaving comments on her blog? Hmm. At some point she starts dating a boy with the personality of a dry wall who we’re told is the coolest, most handsome boy at school, but I have eyes that can see so I’m gonna have to press X to doubt that one. That’s kind of all there is to it. More and more people that she talks about on her blog die and then the movie ends.

And, spoilers, the killer is never exposed. At times I think they wanted you to believe it was her tiny sister killing all these people, but that goes out the door when she also dies and the killer is seen lurking in the background. This scene is also one of the most universally derided in the film as the main character cries over her sister’s body, and I timed this, literally for two minutes straight. She doesn’t try to get help. Doesn’t call an ambulance or the police. She sits over her siste

r and for two very, very long real life minutes we have to watch her cry and do nothing else. Why? Why??? Why did I watch this crap three whole times? Now, the interesting thing, and I feel dirty saying anything about this movie is interesting, is that it does make a very pertinent and important point about online and social media usage. The whole point of the film, if there is a point, is that you should be careful with what information you share online, because that can be used to track you do

wn and harm you. Japan is certainly not unique in this respect, but as we saw with the stalker who tracked an idol down in 2019 simply by the reflection in her eyes in a photo she posted online, well, this is a very real problem. An interesting and incredibly relevant point could have been made here, but of course the film did nothing with it. Man, what can I even say about this film? The script feels like it was written by an extraterrestrial who has only observed human interactions through boo

tleg anime and soap operas made by children. There’s not a single moment in the film where you think, yes, that is exactly how real human beings act. It’s so staggeringly bad that it almost circles back around to fantastic, except for the fact that it’s also boring as sin. Now, there is a special place in my heart for movies that are so bad that you can’t help but love them, but this one, well, it’s not it. It does, however, sit in its own unique list of films so bad that they actively make me a

ngry and I will pay never to remember again. It’s currently the only film on that list. And I hear you already saying “but Tara, you hated the Fatal Frame movie too!” And yes, I did. A lot. But that film was honestly just disappointing on top of being ragingly boring. It didn’t make me want to hurl my TV from the top of a 20 storey building like this piece of work did. And, I suppose, that’s where this film really grinds my gears. It’s not just boring. I can forgive boring films simply by forget

ting all about them and moving on with my life. Happens all the time. But this film actively made me angry. The main actress spends the entire movie pouting like it’s a whole-ass emotion and frowning like there’s gonna be a bad accident in the next 20 seconds unless she finds a toilet. This ramps up towards the end where her only acting direction seems to be “hyperventilate,” look mildly confused, and frown like there’s going to be a terrible, terrible mess for someone to clean unless that toile

t is now found in 2 seconds flat. So, if you’re someone like me who finds they unconsciously match the breathing patterns of others, the final part of this movie will be a rough ride. She literally spends it huffing and puffing like oxygen is going out of style and she’s got a brick house to blow down before then. She also apparently loses the ability to walk and spends the final parts of the film stumbling around like gravity has ramped up to over 9000 and she’s a newborn animal just trying to

discover its legs. In fact, numerous Japanese reviews of the film refer to her simply as “Koshika-chan,” which basically means a baby deer. Ouch. But yeah, it’s almost like the director asked her to remember that time she had a really bad flu as a child and how listless that made her, then just do that, but more over the top and with no explanation as to why walking and acting like a human is suddenly so difficult. I guess it’s supposed to convey her mental state breaking down, but as a chronica

lly depressed person myself who can still move my legs without looking like a newborn giraffe with gastro, it’s an odd choice. It gets so bad by the end that if you’re not hyperventilating in rage with her, then you’re probably just waiting for her to shut the hell up and lift her feet when she walks. From what I can see, Nakada still appears to be working and is doing just fine as a talent, so props to her. I don’t think acting was her calling, but to be fair, it didn’t appear like she got grea

t direction either, if we look at the rest of the people in the movie as well. The male lead, who’s somehow even less interesting than a single slice of white bread, just smiles like a creepy mannequin who learnt to do so by watching The Terminator. I don’t know what acting direction he was given, if any, but if you told me that he was told to act like a robot not even trying to assimilate into society, I wouldn’t not believe you. That actor also appears to have gone on to a rather lengthy caree

r, so good for him. Pretty much the only direction one could go after this movie was up anyway. If you think I’m being harsh on this movie, well first, please do go and watch it for yourself, then you’ll understand, but let me point out a few Japanese reviews on the topic. A quick look at Amazon brings up some banger comments. “The acting is atrocious. I don’t know if they wanted the high school girl to act like she was panicking or not, but it was like watching a zombie movie. In the end, I don

’t know what they were trying to say from start to finish.” “The story was dull from the moment it started, and although I waited with anticipation for the horror to kick in, those feelings were ultimately betrayed. And did these girls have no parents?” This actually brings up another funny point where the main character and her sister seem to live entirely alone because you never once see or hear anything about their parents, but I guess there wasn’t enough budget for them to have parents or so

mething. “This movie is so bad you can’t even call it a movie.” Or my personal favourite, “Hyperventilation, the movie. Not only was it boring, but I was beyond irritated by the end of it. No matter how bored you are, don’t watch this movie. It’s a marvel that this wasn’t stopped before it was released to the world. The acting sucks and the story is crap.” I mean, I can’t sum it up any better than that. That’s exactly how I felt watching it, and clearly I’m not alone. “The acting was so bad that

I couldn’t watch the whole thing and I quit halfway through. I wonder how people who paid to see this at the theatre feel…?” “Even fans hate this movie. The final 20 minutes don’t make any sense. It was so frustrating to watch, and then in the end… At any rate, what a waste of time.” I can go on and on, but I’m sure you get the point. This movie was not well received by Japanese audiences. Perhaps my personal favourite review, other than “Hyperventilation, the movie,” was the simple “Well, it’s

certainly different!” That’s about as kind as you can be to it. And, luckily for you, this movie is quite easy to watch even now! It’s available on Amazon Prime, so I’ll leave a link in the comments if you’re into hurting yourself and want to waste an hour of your life. Which is about the only other nice thing you can say about this film. At least it’s only an hour long. But that hour will feel like several, if you can even make it all the way through to the end. I first watched this film sever

al years ago, long before I started doing movie reviews, and it was so bad that I went to bed angry, woke up still angry, and decided right then and there that I had to review it so I could share that pain with others. I sadly never got around to it then, but that rage has sustained me over the years and now here it finally is. With this review I hope that I can move on and never think of this film again. I’m not going to tell you not to watch it. On the contrary, this film is an experience, and

if I had to experience it, then you should too. With expectations set beforehand you might even be able to laugh at it and dampen that rage that those of us who went in not knowing anything felt. But what do you guys think? Have you seen this abomination of a film? Please let me know what you thought in the comments, and if you haven’t, go and watch it and then come back and let me know what you thought. There are people out there who enjoyed it, I saw like a whole two reviews of people who did

n’t want to throw their TVs out after viewing it, so there are dozens of them, I tell you, dozens! Anyway, stay safe guys and I’ll see you again next time!