Ксюша Мерняк – стендап про Америку (eng sub)

I was recently in America. Yes, that's right, not Armenia, it was America, I'm not mistaken I won this trip through a contest on VKontakte It's true, I didn't expect that when I reposted "win California" I thought I'd have sushi, but I had to go to America. I didn't think I was gonna get in, you know Because I thought they shouldn't let people in sneakers from "Planet Clothes and Shoes" there They shouldn't let them I think this "Planet" should have been destroyed by Darth Vader. It shouldn't ex

ist But I buy my shoes there Can you imagine - sneakers for 10$ was walking on the Hollywood Walk of Fame on Brad Pitt's star After them, his star stick out a little bit. Get out of here Look, what if you were a star, yeah Would you go check your star here? Obligatory! Hey, stormtrooper! Hello, hello, hello Good afternoon How are you doing? Good? Yeah Goodbye! The first thing I noticed is that the neighborhoods there are specially arranged for newcomers There's an Armenian neighborhood where the

Armenians live There's a Russian neighborhood where also the Armenians live There's a Latin, Korean neighborhood. I thought I'd be amazed If they said - there's a Leninskiy district for you It's all fucked up there, you will like it I live in the Leninsky district in the Western residential area So when our propaganda says "the stagnating West", I think it's about my neighborhood That's why I always deny it, I say, "It's not true! This West is done already!" Dad doesn't like Americans I was thi

nking what to bring him from there, I brought him Marlboro cigarettes And he quit smoking So instead of "throat cancer," put "they're smoked by Pindos" on the packs And everyone will quit smoking I then asked him, "Are you really not going to smoke them because they're American?" He was like, "No, it's just really expensive" "It's very expensive!" I thought he was gonna say - it's your wedding dowry now These are my classmates Stop it, I'm filming you! Yeah, you gotta keep an eye out and get an

interview at the same time In America, you know, even homeless people are beautiful He comes at you, all relaxed, tanned, long hair - pure surfer! Then you realize he's homeless, but you've already kissed him Yeah, they're beautiful there, but crazy, unfortunately One time our guys went to the store and came back with nothing I said, "Why?" And they were like: "There was a homeless guy waving a stick we were afraid" I was thinking maybe I should meet him It just seems to me, that the average Nov

osibirian is a Los Angeles homeless person by earnings And he's got a stick! He's got the store, we'll be fine You know, you feel like a looser in a foreign country I couldn't memorize the coins, which one was worth how much So when I had to pay, I just held it out and said: "Help" They threw more at me, they thought I was homeless and I walked around like that Also for some reason they couldn't pronounce "Ksyusha", they couldn't do it They kept calling me "Sushi" When I went to Strabucks, I sai

d "Ksyusha," and they wrote "Sushi" On the last day, I think, okay, I'll say "Sushi" They wrote "Rolls" Cars! Actually, in America, Russians are really Russian We were once told that if you see a Mercedes Geldvagen on the road It's definitely a Russian driving it I think, OMG, we've been showing off even there! And I wouldn't be surprised if he also has a sticker that says "Thanks to Grandpa for the Victory" I became a Russian there, too. I started drinking vodka there So when I see men drinking

vodka, I think - they're from America! It's okey for them I also almost took money from a woman there. Can you believe it? We were just talking and I told her what our average dollar salary was And she felt sorry for me and wanted to give me money So when people say "the Russian mafia took something" it's from the word "pity" Vasya is going to win a million What can't you do on the full moon? You can't show off Smoothly! Vasya, what did you see yesterday? We saw a bus advertising prostitutes We

wrote, or rather we tried to call We got a text back saying "which hotel" Really? Yes We asked: how much? 200$ + tips Narek wrote: + tips???!?!?! Also there, one American told us He said: my parents used to scare me, when I was a kid They said - if you misbehaved, we'd send you to Siberia! I wanted to tell him - that's why we've come for you! Pack up! He was like: I remember falling asleep and thinking - I wish I won't woke up in Siberia! I said to him, "Dude, I've been falling asleep like this

for 30 years! It's not working I thought, how can we scare our kids in Siberia? What do we say? If you behave badly - it won't get worse! They also told me to meet someone to stay in America I met a Pakistani guy So they sent us out of the country